Freestyle blog thingie poem thingie....
It was raining so
I went out
thought the people would be inside
but they got the same memo because there were so many at the market
and I don't know why I spent so much money.
I don't know why I got so paranoid
and thought
they thought I had stolen something
even though they said the suspicious guy was wearing a grey shirt
(Maybe it was code because the security seemed to be sizing me up
and I don't know why I keep thinking that stupid alarm will beep when I walk out the store)
a lot of folks been talkin about aliens
Homeless and mentally ill are everywhere it seems
(Its pretty much an everyday thing at work now)
I can't get this "butterfly" remix by Mariah outta my head
That old covid is trying to make a comeback and they might need another lockdown
(so tired of these masks)
Stifling and maybe messing with my respiratory system.
And man who is giving the masks out at my job
because the street children ask me for them sometimes
and I don't say no.
(Are we supposed to give them out?)
I was watching the news this morning and it made me start worrying
this year may still end up being the mess last year was.
May have to push back my filming dates
because of money
(lack thereof)
At least my comic is almost done.
Might not be able to go to Disney for my birthday
if these covid numbers keep going up
plus I won't be able to go see Captain Liberia
in North Dakota.
Still hanging in there at my job
Still dealing with being around so many low frequency folks
especially you know who who was copying me
so much more than I realized.
(Why was he doing that?)
I'm glad my feelings for dude are fading
as I was really wondering how much longer could I work
at that place
with this person who didn't seem to care at all about anyone save himself
yet the other day at work he actually showed concern and kindness to a homeless guy.
That surprised me truthfully.
So if I cancel going to Disney with my friend who I kinda think is cool and dateable
will he be disappointed?
Why on Earth did I pass up a chance to go to a gathering and possibly meet Micki Howard?
Why haven't I completely abandoned dating altogether?
Never seem to work out for me
even though I keep hearing
you're supposed to think positive and you will attract favorable results in life.
I feel like my mind has been pushed waaaay further than is healthy
by unhealthy people who have infected my life with their shit.
Mental scars
anti-social behavior
even if I really do enjoy people
(sometimes)
Mostly in my mind I am hanging out with and having adventures with animals
I won't get one until I feel I am ready to be a caregiver
and the irony is I might need one to be that spiritual airfreshner to turn me into
a caregiver.
None of these humans I am interested in seem interested enough to care.
Stupid dating app has so many hot-muscled masculine looking guys
but how many profiles are fake?
Feels like we're worshipping straight guys most of the time
or going after men with straight qualities
Dudes don't wanna talk on the phone because they wanna hide queeniness
Some got old photos
plus they usually seem to be far away.
So much of the time I look at these guys and I feel
what can I offer?
My body isn't like Shazam!
My bank account
and school levels are low
plus my credit is wack.
They don't even seem to notice me
the one more pre-occupied with getting his damaged mind in better shape.
I'm a black 85% gay man who is a nerd
yet I feel I am ultimately of neither world.
Trying to get more in the state of mind to clean up
doing laundry was a breakthru
can't do no more cuz theres a coin shortage
thought my shrink was calling today
she didn't
I think I am being gradually weaned.
Wanna move
Need to put so much in storage though.
Keep dreaming vaquely
Trying not to touch myself so much
cuz I feel its drawing low frequency energy from some of those guys I think about during the act
When will I finally get serious about my diet
serious enough to cut out all meat except seafood?
I'm swimming in a sea of emotions
over my brother getting physical with my stepdad
over the sister I barely knew passing away
over so many people I left behind who used to be a part of my life
and I really wish I had a chance to go back and change
how I shut myself off from the world for so long.
But I guess I did it to help me process the blinding flood of maturity
some clarity even.
Its true what they say about life then
you can get what you want
when you use what you got.
You can get it.
Its a tradeoff.
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