(To THE RINGS OF POWER soundtrack on Spotify)
A few hours ago something really interesting happened. It was something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I mean...maybe some years from now when my mind would probably struggle momentarily to recall any individuals from my past as an employee at the LGBT center. Well now I guess its the LGBTQ+ whatever center. Hard to keep up with this stuff. Anyway the man who I struggled to move past sent me a text out of the blue asking how I was. Its been over a month since we last spoke on the phone or saw each other. When he walked past me at the job as if we barely knew each other I knew this was not someone healthy for me to associate with. The nonchalant response when I told him we should only continue forward as friends was a firm reminder dude didn't care and the fact he went a month without bothering to reach out at all served as a nasty reality check for me. I now know the importance of staying in ones lane. I now know I can shut out people just as easily as they do me and what does not kill you does make you stronger. The last month has been my own personal version of hell having to put these feelings behind me. Theres that song "I can't make you love me" and another one called "Cowboys and Angels" Then theres a recent favorite of mine "Vampire" by Olivia Rodrigo. Perhaps it is true that love and relationships like that are not meant for some of us. For whatever reason. Priests have been staying out of the game for hundreds if not thousands of years. (Maybe thats not the best example) and there are plenty of folks who thrive without romance or sex. Even if one remains single forever this is not the end and it certainly shouldn't mean you gotta stay depressed all the time because of it. Life goes on after all and there are always other dreams to chase. I can chase financial security. I can chase stability and health. I can chase success as an artist/writer/filmmaker. These things are just more tangible. Love...is something I can say I have experienced. Maybe not on the level I would have wanted yet it came and maybe it went too and I have to be okay with that very real possibility in order for me to face the future. No I've not given up but I'm preparing myself. If I'd given up I wouldn't have created an account with an online dating application. We'll see how it goes and try not to obsess over it. Right now I've a cartoon and some comic book projects to worry about. I've got to stay focused on keeping my job as long as I need it to finish projects and save up money to maybe move. Also have my health and family to think about. Lots of movies and songs to hear and videogames to play. Lots of places I need to visit too. Theres so much to do with the time I have left. I can't afford to give Mr. Ninja time in my life unless he is willing to fight for what was once given freely...
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