Went to the supermarket yesterday. It was a giant leap for me because well when you have anxiety even something as simple as going out fo a walk can be a challenge. I've been ordering alot of things from Amazon or using services like Door Dash and Uber Eats to avoid having to go out and deal with people. These things do tend to get costly after awhile. I use Uber and Lyft alot when going to or leaving work because the way things are now you never know what you're gonna get on public transportation. When Covid was heavier on our minds the public transportation services were free to everyone so you had alot of characters on the buses or trains. I know homeless does not mean useless and having to deal with my own mental issues I'm understanding some of us struggle more than others yet there were smelly, cantankerous individuals we ALL had to contend with on a daily basis. I saw a fight break out one morning on a bus because a man was assaulted by a woman. Another hostile exchange happened on the train one day going to Long Beach. At times there were folks blasting LOUD music. Some people smoke on the train with no regard to others. Some folks have the place cluttered up with luggage. You have some truly NASTY looking folks sometimes not even masked up coughing or sneezing and many folks nowadays i notice won't even cover their mouths and look at you like you are crazy if you say something. I was threatened by a bro on the bus home from work simply because I looked in his direction. Mr. Ninja was attacked in a train station one day. quite a few people I know just stopped taking public transportation altogether because they got tired of all the BS. Its a shame really because we got some new buses recently but nasty ass folks eventually dirty them up and throw shit on the floors. I am constantly amazed at how nasty some humans are. Seriously. Some people obviously have no home training. Anyhow so much has happened to me (just) over the last few years that I am certain I went through my own form of PTS and it took me exactly how long it needed to take for me to survive mentally without turning into a damn super villain. So I can say I feel some sense of accomplishment in my life now especially with all the progress being made in my ongoing projects.
Speaking of projects I am gonna be filming a commercial for Sins Of Legend next month. Figure that will be a nice little birthday present for myself. Still working on getting my place cleaned up because my spirit definitely needs it. I guess no matter where we are in life there will always be some room for improvement, right?
The dating thing is still a bust. Someone told me I need to just try and meet folks in real life and not online. I'm inclined to say he's right. I just wish I could get out of the financial commitment this particular app I am using locks you into for 3 months. It just seems crazy they can do that you know? You pay for 3 months and its an unbreakable contract. Thing is I am already wanting to cancel and it woulda been cool if there were a trial you could use or allow me to pay for one month? You know in case I don't like the service. If I am gonna meet someone its likely I will meet them through my artistry. Maybe it sounds silly but I really mostly believe I won't be datable to many until things take off with my work as an artist or writer. People want stability. They also want BIG muscles apparently. All yo have to do is go on social media and its all there in your face. Big muscular handsome fellas living in big houses or driving fancy cars. Whats crazy is that most of these guys are straight and probably broke ass models. Many are out of the country and scammers too. Wannabe personal trainers with photoshopped thirst trap pics. They are selling an illusion to so many gay men who will worship their photos and overlook anything else because that fantasy is so much more comforting than real life in all its imperfections. Don't even get me started on all the hackers and bots online. I think some advances in technology really have damaged how we interact with each other plus its caused many of us to lose touch with reality. The Six Million Dollar Man said sometimes old fashioned is the best way to go. A back to basics approach is something I often fantasize about really. Being somewhere in the coutry and meeting some hot country brother. A "Forrest Gump" character like dude Frank Ocean was talking about. Someone maybe not corrupted by this world. Someone not so dependent on technology or glued to their cellphone. He probably does exist on this planet. More than likely not in this country though. Alot of the American black men I see seem to be getting less and less masculine and so many are not really into dating other black men. Yeah, theres that too. Then there is also a thing with other races not wanting to date black men. It is like trying to find a unicorn these days in regard to dating. Well if you want to find something long term. Thats my observation anyway. I guess it makes alot more sense then that so many seem to have given up? Has dating or the search for a LTR become a dying artform?
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