I'm here at work listening to Oleta Adams awe inspiring "Circle of One" album on Spotify. The songs always bring back memories because when I first came to Cali I was staying with my cousin Lin and she had this cd which I'd listen to often. Oleta has such a unique voice. Its interesting that so many of my musical heroes...are are heroines. Women...mostly black women imparting strength and wisdom thru the gift of song. I try to keep it balance really. I mean to say I've quite the assortment of musical teachers who are men but it does seem most of my musical teachers are women. Listening to Oleta's powerful voice and the rich arrangements makes me wish I could go back in time. I feel that I have wasted alot of time in my life. In this crazy world that is very much like a jungle. There are no lions tigers or bears trying to kill me but there are certainly plenty of people who have tried their best over the years. In this world one struggles tries to find some peace. We get moments of it and they never seem to last long enough. I spend so much time chasing my dreams...making sure my bills are paid while at the same time I'm trying my best to recover from all the events which have scarred my psyche. At times its heartbreaking seeing friends and older relatives wither away as I stay away working on myself telling myself....just alittle longer then I'll be okay enough to really have these healthy relationships then I think back to what Madonna said recently in a video she did "None of this is real" Was she talking about life in general or just Hollywood?
We are going into a three day weekend. Not sure what I'll end up doing. The plan is to do the laundry (which is something I have put off since its usually so time consuming. I have to sit in the laundry room to watch my clothes since my nutty neighbors have placed nasty things in the machines with my clothes) I need to do a serious clean up in my place. I've been packing things in storage boxes and was planning to pack more this weekend yet Amazon somehow screwed up my order of a new box. I use these big plastic see thru boxes. The plan is to eventually start putting these boxes into a storage unit. Probably before the year is out. Also I would love to go to an amusement park even if its gonna be full of muggles this weekend but I need to save my money and figure out what I'm gonna do with the Nerds With Badges video series. I did a quick video last month and like nobody watched it. I'm gonna up the quality and see if that helps to grab more viewers. The lady helping me with social media says more simple raw type videos are what folks like these days but I dont know. Could just be I'm not cool or popular enough. I guess its a good thing most of what I do isn't to gain popularity votes. I enjoy being creative and doing videos but it would be nice if these were things I could actually have an income from you know? As opposed to going to a workplace that is seemingly becoming more and more populated with "zombies" or folks who don't get or uplift me in any way. This place has felt like a second home for me for awhile now and I try to keep that feeling to make the most of the time I will need to stay till its time to go but it hasn't been getting any easier. I try to imagine working in a creative environment. I even try to imagine working in a police type establishment. They have asked me here if I wanna be a supervisor but I declined. It's just that I've seen so many supervisors come and go. Thats hardly encouraging. Yeah it would give me more money but none of the supervisors here in any of the departments really seem happy. When I leave this job I don't wanna go into another one that won't make me happy. Truth be told I am of the mind I need to sit down and really figure how to work for myself.
Which brings us to... A certain person from my past called me up out the blue yesterday. He used to work with me on my projects. Now he's looking towards working in real estate full time. Its weird that he called because I figured dude was out of my life. This is someone I considered a friend until he basically help derail my SonsofLegend series. He has ownership of some of my concepts and has ordered me to take down some of my videos off Youtube. Keep in mind this is all stuff I worked on pouring blood sweat and tears into over the years. See I was building something and had a plan for my own connected universe way before Marvel or DC started their own but now sometimes when I sit down to work on material I am reminded of what I was doing before and the fact people I loved and trusted took something in an attempt to create something "better". They say its important to forgive and move on but man sometimes when you get cut the cuts are so damn deep. I am learning that in Hollywood talent is abused often and treated as a commodity. Writers are taken advantage of. Directors are shut out of projects they started because the man wants to make something thats more marketable. Singers and actors are traumatized and cheapened to the point they lose morality and its like some evil angry force is just making folks lose their minds...certainly losing their ability to create anything hence all the constant remakes. Its a crazy cycle and as I grow to be more into this industry I wonder if I'm plowing ever so gradually into yet another jungle full of shark tooth individuals yearning to devour me. All this is to say I can understand why some folks up and leave Hollywood behind never to return. How then does one balance that tightrope walk? I wanna go into business for myself but I don't want to lose myself in the process. Geez. Am I gonna have to go to the mafia to get a loan for my films? I already bite my tongue to keep the peace in some aspects of my life and I find myself wondering if this is holding me back. They say listen more and say less. Maybe I am just not around the people who are saying what I want or need to hear. At times I think real estate dude feels bad about what happened. alot went down and all of us made mistakes but I don't think I can ever trust him again. Even if I did kinda have a crush on him I think a part of me is gonna be mad at him for quite some time to come and I don't wish to get into an emotionla conversation where I just explode with how much resentment I felt/feel because as it stands I'm doing a good job of processing and moving on from that failed business partnership. Its tricky being angry at someone you like but time makes it easier to walk away from something that was bad for you. No matter how tempting it might be. I'm sure somebody famous said that. I need to throw myself back fully into my art like I did back in the day so my mind won't be wrapped up in foolishness. "If it don't make dollars it don't make sense" is a saying that can be taken in so many ways.
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