Sometimes I swear my thoughts seem fuzzy. Its like my brain feels like its been scrambled and its a challenge to keep myself focused or motivated. Maybe everyone feels like this at times. I describe it as being in a sort of funk. As if something or someone were draining my spirit and motivation somehow. Being in a place with alot of negative low vibration folks can chip away at a person I guess. Even spending time at home and caught up in my music...my videogames and movies sometimes it feels like I am not able to completely experience peace. I have considered going to a hotel just to put myself in a "quiet" zone. It could be that when one is at a crossroads in life and theres alot of strife happening psychic defenses go down. Immune systems act up and when you have so much with the negative reinforcements it can make you not even wanna get out of bed. There is so much going on in the word. We can try but you can't really cut yourself off from it all. Crime. Disasters. Family stuff. People getting old and dying. People getting sick. Threats of environmental damage. Covid happened. Its still happening actually but now much of the focus seems to be on this new thing...gorilla measles...chimpanzee pneumonia, monkeypox, or whatever they call it. The rising homeless problem here in Cali. Last week I practically had to step over a homeless dude camped in front of my building. Stores are getting robbed left and right. Then theres this insanity where folks just walk up and punch you for no reason at all. Honestly I do believe some of these people walking around are possessed. Maybe its something else. Perhaps someone got inside their heads telepathically to make them do these things. I'm just trying to find some rational explantions for why the human race appears to be deconstructing around me. No life is not all bad. There are some awesomely fantastic days/nights don't get me wrong. Its just at times...life feels like a horror movie.
I think I'm doing okay. Haven't talked to my shrink in awhile. I kinda dread talking to her about somethings. Mostly its my thoughts on dating that I think she might get on me about. Honestly its as if a switch in my brain just turned off and in some ways I've become pretty damn close to being asexual. Why? Constant rejections and heartache. Mostly frustration and aggravation...I think I'm tired of others making me feel inadequate when they are far from being perfect and then theres this feeling of not really measuring up then its like that voice inside says "Why should you have to measure up? So what if this or that could be better in your life or so what if you don't have the body of an African god? If these people can't/won't see the good/value in you then do you really need them or their validation?" I just don't need anyone else to remind me of my strengths and weaknesses because I've gotten pretty familiar with them over the years. Just saying. I mean there are times I feel like reaching out but I don't because my life can actually be okay without some guy to hold onto. It really feels like that is a dream I need to let go of. So have I given up on guys then and if so do I have other options? I don't know right now.
Things have gotten a bit weird with me and Captain Liberia. I think of this guy everyday and I constantly resist the urge to call him. The urge. It comes in surges then it passes. Usually, something else just ends up coming along and getting my attention. I think since I came to understand dude really isn't that into me I moved on mentally and who would want to go back to someone who might have actually used you to a degree? They say we all use each other to a degree. They also say alot of the time in relationships one person gives more than the other. I mean it doesn't feel normal or right that someone who says they love me would let like a month go by without at least calling to check and see if you are okay. There are times I look back and I feel disgusted seeing how so often it seems it was me doing all the giving and being attentive when there were so many signs something might have been going on with another person. Maybe he's starting to see that I have maybe reached a point of no return. If dude actually called me up and said Sergio come and live with me baby because I love you and want you here I'd make it happen. I would yet in my heart I just don't see him doing that. The longer I stay away it just makes it easier for me to want to keep away. There might actually come a day when I don't care anymore. He will find other people but I doubt they will give him the same spark you know? Folks do sometimes come around and realize what they lost and might have had. There are some people from my past who have tried to come back into my life but you think to yourself...what made you leave in the first place? What made you think I would still be here waiting? You find yourself thinking how you went through some really tough times in life and this person was nowhere to be seen...you survived all the shit and you didn't need them. You have gotten to a place where you really got used to them not being around. Yeah I am open to giving second chances but (and I know this is something that needs work) so often Sergio is quick to anger and hard to forgive others who have hurt him. He doesn't really trust many people these days. Can you blame him?
Might do another episode of "Nerds With Badges" over the weekend. Probably gonna fly solo this time around. There are a few people I could ask to join in but the energy...its a problem. Also I'm planning to do something really big with this series in the future. Gonna hire a camera person and rent out a large space. Maybe I'll have someone else host? Right now I need to write out a structure and have set questions and time limits for discussions to keep folks (myself included) from going off on a tangent or long-winded rant. Still looking to get back to working on my films and its time to start figuring out what I'm gonna do now that my comics are nearing completion. I gotta talk to some folks who have gotten published. There's one dude who answered my craigslist ad for peeps who wanna be on my show. He says he has a book coming out so perhaps I can even have that be a topic to discuss on the show? Theres this cop guy who answered and he mentioned playing chess which is definitely something of interest because chess has always seemed so elusive for me to master. Could be that I feel so drained so much of the time because I am stretching myself thin with all these projects. I know just from having all that time off last week I could get much accomplished if I didn't have to spend 8 hours at this job. Its all about taking that leap of faith and quitting but before that happens I gotta hang in here as long as I can and save money. My rent is cheap so I wouldn't need to stay here too much longer however one needs to prepare well and I really wanna do this the right way. A good six months and I could have enough money to get me thru for awhile. Thing is I'm gonna have to say goodbye to some luxuries. Netflix,Hulu,Disney+ (I'm keeping Amazon Prime damnit!) and perhaps there will be a total STOP for purchasing new games (No I'm not canceling my God Of War pre-order) Also this taking Uber/Lyft frequently is gonna fade out. Comic book purchases are gonna dwindle too. I can just buy "Wonder Girl" and "Strange" for the time being (once the current storylines in the other books I read ed of course). Also in regards to the creative side of things, I wanna get back into drawing again and focus on getting better at acting. Theres also the small matter of completing my DragonManx novel (I kinda got stuck at one point) I started work on a fan fiction project some months ago. Its a comic that features the Bruce Willis character from "Unbreakable" I hired someone to help me with the story but she said her home was either burned down or broken into and the story she gave me was nothing like what I requested so I gotta go back over her script to make the changes. Its a strange situation to be in really when I gave her clear instructions based around the mythos of M Night Shyamalan's work but honestly I don't believe she has seen any of the films. Its also questionable whether or not she actually bothered to read the notes I gave her but the script can be salvaged once I insert the missing elements which explains why Bruce Willis character "David" is still alive. I'd actually written why but its never mentioned or acknowledged in the script. I'm not a bad writer myself but I get stuck and long stories eventually seem to run out of steam so hence the ghost writers. The more I use ghostwriters the more I realize in some ways I might even be a better writer than they are on some levels. I guess its in the more technical aspects where I tend to falter.
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