Yesterday in the morning I went to the grocery store. It was a pretty big deal for me because due to anxiety I put it off for awhile but I was out of soap and it came to the point I HAD to go so I went. As I moved thru the aisles getting the things I needed I encountered this brother doing some stock stuff. His energy was all mad and just downright nasty. I mean just the way he looked at me or tried to NOT look at me. I swear sometimes it feels like black men are the meanest folks on this planet. He was tall. Very light skinned. Handsome. Muscular. Probably multiracial. But the attitude and energy hit me like a bag of bricks. I was feeling really bad for hours after that encounter and I ran into him a couple of times in the store. You gotta be careful with eye contact these days. From my observation many gay men would love to entertain the idea of being with a man like that but when you get right down to it...well its not worth it in the long run. I mean to say what you have to deal with...its alot. Possibly closeted. Conflicted. Filled with anger and distrust. Maybe. And probably pissed that they have such an effect on folks they don't like. I have heard some attractive folks complain about this type of thing. I'm convinced alot of black people (myself included) may have some funky DNA or spiritual residue from the shit our ancestors had to endure. I think that may be why its so easy for us to hurt each other maybe in worse ways than the man ever did or could. All this is to say I am thinking perhaps I am understanding why so many gay men avoid the hyper-masculine types and also why so many of us are fem since we don't wanna emulate the behavior of some of these guys so often glorified by society. Guys who maybe at some point in our lives hurt us. Just my theory.
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