Confessions of a sad superhero book 42

 I had a real break-thru at work this morning. Actually I had another one yesterday too. That one had to do with Steven my DP who helped me realize I may not be able to use the current person I hired as producer because she is too much by the book and I can't afford to shoot my production without breaking any rules. It was also brought to my attention said producer was responsible for breaking some pretty big rules on the set of their own production but whatever. So anyway what I really wanted to talk about is what happened this morning at work. I'll try to keep it simple. "Bootsie" (who I had that epic falling out with last year) replied to me when I complained that playing Streetfighter on my Switch had given me a headache "This place gives me a headache" So I could see he was down and I already had alot on my mind therefore I said whats wrong now man? I think that we need to have a talk. Its something that should have happened a long time ago. He said "We can do that" Then he got in the elevator and went up to take his lunch break.

So he comes back down and I pretty much summed up everything I've felt over these last 7 or 8 months. Having to come to work and us not speaking....me almost getting fired....having to deal with the crazies outside....work-related issues....personal life problems and then the Covid thing. I told him that sometimes in life things gang up on you and that there comes a time when something has to give if you are overwhelmed. Bootsie is currently working two jobs and also doing his side hustle business thing with vending machines. He says he's always tired and not getting enough sleep or rest. Next year he's planning to move out of the country because he's tired of  how things are here (in the US?) He's also frustrated because often we are relieved late and he has to struggle with traffic in the rush to get to his second (temp) job which may or may not eventually become a permanent position. On top of that he is struggling financially and feels he is at a mid-life crisis (He probably is) plus he no longer has any real passion for singing; something he's done from an early age. As I sat there listening to him and looking at this handsome dark chocolate sad man my heart went out to him. It seemed odd he never once mentioned his lover (perhaps he doesn't think I know he has one?) not that it matters or is any of my business but if I was with someone and knew they were at such a crisis I'd be calling and visiting frequently. Anyway I told dude he needed to find a way to reconnect with his gift. I talked about my plans and things I'm working on creatively speaking, just trying to kinda inspire him before I went to take my lunch break. The more I think about it the more it makes sense why he was imitating me before he recently stopped. I guess he saw that it was working for me....staying afloat....keeping myself entertained and making the workplace more enjoyable. I suppose its possible this is something he was doing on a subconscious level? I guess it doesn't matter. He really looked like he could use a hug but from dealing with him I have learned how to be impartial. You can genuinely care for someone and want to help them but you have to be able to not become too emotionally attached. I've been down that road before. Caring too much. Being unappreciated and overlooked for whatever reason. I look at Bootsie now the same way I look at most other gay men (or whatever he really is) Unattainable. Self-absorbed. Materialistic. Immature. Emotionally unavailable. Body worshipping hot-messes who would run from the best thing even if it was right in front of them. Get married. Pray the gay away. Get a dog. Do drugs. Or come up with any excuse not to let someone in. Distractions can work for awhile yet in most cases they are only temporary fixes. Addiction to some of these things can be dangerous. I've said it before. I may be a black gay man who works within the community. Right in the thick of it actually. Ground Zero even. Yet still most of the time I feel like I am outside looking in at a cool group of kids who I am not a part of. I just don't fit in and they will probably never really accept me no matter what I do. I like me. Even if I am not the ideal body type. No college degree. No car. All my short comings, failures and victories. I think in spite of it all I have managed to do pretty well for myself. Always gonna be room for improvement and I will strive for it. Ultimately it is my belief that for much of my life I have tried to be a part of the wrong crowd anyway. Truth.

I really have no idea if Bootsie even listened really listened to anything I told him. Mostly I suspect one day 10 or so years from now the light will come on in his brain and he'll get it together. He has a powerful spirit and was given his talent for a reason. I told him he needed to take some time to get away from everything. Maybe take a medical leave or something and not to run from himself (like Janet said) People do do that at times. As he talked and I looked at him more I could see wrinkles of stress on his face. The same thing I saw looking in the mirror at myself. Other people remarked I looked tired the other night and its understandable when you are stressed constantly with things coming at you left and right and you're not getting enough rest. Then when you don't really have some sort of support group or someone right there....life can kick your ass and lead you into some dark places. I didn't ask Bootsie if he ever thought about ending his life or if he was still getting therapy. Didn't ask him if  he would ever like to have lunch one day or maybe he would be interested in coming to Disney with me if I do decide to go thru with going on my birthday. I was tempted to ask him if he'd like to break bread but my mind wanders back to months ago and what happened those times I tried to be friends with this guy and when I dared to think we could be more until I got that painful wake-up call to stay the hell away and in my lane. The funny thing is how easy it has become for me to turn my feelings on and off. It does worry me a bit sometimes I'm not gonna lie that perhaps I am picking up traits from damaged folks I should be shutting out at all costs. There are some wonderful souls out here who have let the filth from hurt nasty minded individuals dull their shiny spirits and outlook on life. Guess it does pay when you learn a constructive yet subtle manner of keeping folks at a distance especially if they're not on your level emotionally. Think its safe to say I still care about dude and hopefully our talk helped him. He seemed so resistant and had an answer to everything but at some points in the conversation I could see glimmers of hope. Just glimmers. A seed perhaps that life isn't all hopeless and bleak. Plus we can at least talk to each other now (at work only of course because I will never call or text him again. I will save that perhaps for my new African friend who is giving me his attention) and it won't feel so damn weird when he's near. Strangely enough on many occassions (I kid you not) his energy has affected some of my electrical devices when he comes around. So thats why I say he has a powerful spirit. Its anybody's guess why or if at some point in the future he will find a way to channel it to bring about some lasing positive change in this world. At the other end of the spectrum, he could become Darth Vader but let us pray that isn't the case.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 41

 Freestyle blog thingie poem thingie....

It was raining so 

I went out

thought the people would be inside

but they got the same memo because there were so many at the market

and I don't know why I spent so much money.

I don't know why I got so paranoid 

and thought 

they thought I had stolen something

even though they said the suspicious guy was wearing a grey shirt

(Maybe it was code because the security seemed to be sizing me up

and I don't know why I keep thinking that stupid alarm will beep when I walk out the store)

a lot of folks been talkin about aliens

Homeless and mentally ill are everywhere it seems

(Its pretty much an everyday thing at work now)

I can't get this "butterfly" remix by Mariah outta my head

That old covid is trying to make a comeback and they might need another lockdown

(so tired of these masks)

Stifling and maybe messing with my respiratory system.

And man who is giving the masks out at my job

because the street children ask me for them sometimes 

and I don't say no.

(Are we supposed to give them out?)

I was watching the news this morning and it made me start worrying

this year may still end up being the mess last year was.

May have to push back my filming dates

because of money

(lack thereof)

At least my comic is almost done. 

Might not be able to go to Disney for my birthday 

if these covid numbers keep going up

plus I won't be able to go see Captain Liberia

 in North Dakota.

Still hanging in there at my job

Still dealing with being around so many low frequency folks

especially you know who who was copying me

so much more than I realized.

(Why was he doing that?)

I'm glad my feelings for dude are fading

as I was really wondering how much longer could I work 

at that place

with this person who didn't seem to care at all about anyone save himself

yet the other day at work he actually showed concern and kindness to a homeless guy.

That surprised me truthfully.

So if I cancel going to Disney with my friend who I kinda think is cool and dateable

will he be disappointed?

Why on Earth did I pass up a chance to go to a gathering and possibly meet Micki Howard?

Why haven't I completely abandoned dating altogether?

Never seem to work out for me

even though I keep hearing

you're supposed to think positive and you will attract favorable results in life.

I feel like my mind has been pushed waaaay further than is healthy 

by unhealthy people who have infected my life with their shit.

Mental scars

anti-social behavior 

even if I really do enjoy people

(sometimes)

Mostly in my mind I am hanging out with and having adventures with animals

I won't get one until I feel I am ready to be a caregiver

and the irony is I might need one to be that spiritual airfreshner to turn me into

a caregiver.

None of these humans I am interested in seem interested enough to care.

Stupid dating app has so many hot-muscled masculine looking guys

but how many profiles are fake?

Feels like we're worshipping straight guys most of the time

or going after men with straight qualities

Dudes don't wanna talk on the phone because they wanna hide queeniness

Some got old photos

plus they usually seem to be far away.

So much of the time I look at these guys and I feel

what can I offer?

My body isn't like Shazam!

My bank account 

and school levels are low

plus my credit is wack.

They don't even seem to notice me

the one more pre-occupied with getting his damaged mind in better shape.

I'm a black 85% gay man who is a nerd

yet I feel I am ultimately of neither world.

Trying to get more in the state of mind to clean up

doing laundry was a breakthru

can't do no more cuz theres a coin shortage

thought my shrink was calling today

she didn't

I think I am being gradually weaned.

Wanna move

Need to put so much in storage though.

Keep dreaming vaquely

Trying not to touch myself so much

cuz I feel its drawing low frequency energy from some of those guys I think about during the act

When will I finally get serious about my diet

serious enough to cut out all meat except seafood?

I'm swimming in a sea of emotions

over my brother getting physical with my stepdad

over the sister I barely knew passing away

over so many people I left behind who used to be a part of my life

and I really wish I had a chance to go back and change 

how I shut myself off from the world for so long.

But I guess I did it to help me process the blinding flood of maturity

some clarity even.

Its true what they say about life then

you can get what you want

when you use what you got.

You can get it.

Its a tradeoff.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 40

 So here I am at work blogging again. I try to write at home but its so hard much of the time these days. I guess maybe its because I have too many distractions there or perhaps all the clutter has affected me. I have actually started doing some work on cleaning up. Its gonna take awhile though. Its gonna be a process. Meanwhile I am still working  on my comic as I inch closer to the date filming starts again on my film. Things at work are a bit less weird. Last night me and you know who actually had the first real non-work related conversation in many moons since "the incident". It was about Miki Howard. More on that later since I gotta rush off to do patrol soon. But at least he seems to have stopped copying me regarding certain things. I dunno maybe he realized it because I mentioned to someone he's pretty chummy with that someone was copying me and what would he do in such a situation. Perhaps you know who realized I was talking about him? I suppose I'll never know. I suppose it doesn't matter. In all honesty the whole incident with dude has put me off trying to express feelings to anyone for awhile. I guess it put the fear of God in me....almost losing my job and all. All because I dared to give my energy to someone undeserving. I've been doing this for much of my life. Many of these gay/bi men are clowns and have no idea what they want and they carry crazy energy around with them. Obsessed with muscles,cars, money and material things....I am just feeling increasingly that I don't really fit in their world so I'm just putting all that romatic stuff on the back burner. It causes me too many issues....some things I need to focus on recovering from while my life goes on a more positive path of growth. 

-To be continued-

Later....

Things are looking alot like we could be headed for another shutdown here in Cali. Folks are getting infected again and new strains of Covid are popping up. Here at work they started sweating us about the cards we got as proof of getting our shots. (Some people were let go because they refused to get vaccinated) I lost my card but luckily I had photos of the card and me getting my shots! I was planning to go to Disney with a friend for my birthday but now I am not so sure. If things get crazier I may end up having to push back my filming too. Also here at work we are required to wear certain types of masks. I wonder if they will bring back the weird temperature checking machines we used to have here in the building? The reason infections are growing is because of people who don't wanna follow the rules and wear masks. o they are saying its these folks who are helping with new spreadings. 

Another thing... You know who called in late tonight. Its weird. We must be on the same wavelength because I almost did the same thing. (Its become painfully obvious that we are not compatible but why would the powers that be create such a connection with us or maybe I'm overthinking it?) I am pretty certain we might be psychically connected because of too many "coincidences". I've noticed that about other people I know as well. But i will never tell them. Why would I do that? No reason to.

Even later still....

Since I am so close to finishing work on the comic its definitely time I sat down and figured out a business plan. I mean I already have the tools and the guy helping produce everything can certainly guide me because he already has like a million comics out. (I chipped in again when he had another Kickstarter campaign for a book.) Realistically speaking it might be logical for me to push back production on Sasquatch because it might be too much of a strain financially for me. (I just wish I had more faith in crowdfunding) I still plan several trips before the year is out and I gotta start putting stuff in storage sooner than later if I am to move. (Also theres just too much clutter in my place right now) Truthfully I do feel if I was not working I'd have more time to really focus on my artistic stuff. Things that really have my heart you know? Trying to be realistic because we gotta pay our bills right? I need to have more faith. Faith like i had when I up and left everything behind in NC and came to Cali back in 1993....

Much laterer....

I think my brother has abandoned me. I don't know why. His daughter was out of control and really driving me crazy when I met her (She's a hyperactive spoiled toddler who really was giving my mom and step father a hard time when I was there so maybe he sensed how unreal that whole situation seemed to me. (Joshua for the record got away with shit my mother would have sent me away for. Actually she did sorta do that because I had to attend a special school for kids with bad grades/attendance) I hated school because of some bullies who made me miserable. I'd get spat on....slapped around and even physically attacked. Yes it was 99.9% of the time other black folks. Picked on and hated because of how I spoke and just made to feel like an outsider. Comic books and videogames or drawing/writing helped keep me afloat. To this very day these things still protect me. They also instilled in me a sense of honor and morality many I see don't really possess. Things seem darker now because kids are simply being raised differently I guess. Joshua was the little brother I always wanted but I was so busy trying to find myself I in some ways lost some folks along the way. Perhaps he feels I abandoned him. We used to have cool talks but now he won't call me. No emails. No texts. Nothing. I guess like my father said somethings you just have to let go. I know dude has had issues with my sisters. One isn't even speaking to him. I just don't know what to do. I hate to keep harping on this but after what happened to me at work with Nick I realize you can invite serious trouble trying to be in someones life when they don't want you there. You can't really make someone want to give you the time of day. People do have a free will after all. I lost one sibling this year and although Joshuazilla is still alive I may need to make peace with the fact he doesn't want me in his life anymore. Its sad but sometimes (and I know this better than anyone else) family members or friends shut us out of their lives and we have to respect it. I don't really know Joshuazilla that well. Maybe if I did there would be more of a need to fight for a relationship with him and its not that I don't feel anything. Most of what I feel is anger and confusion right now.  We have literally not spoken in over a year. Actually I think its been two at least. I guess all I can do is hope oneday the light comes on and that its not something bad that brings us together. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 39

 Every now and then I have to remind myself that I am surrounded by people who are not smarter than me and many are not happy or mentally balanced. I also have to remind myself that hurt people hurt people. I have been having weird interactions with a guy who works here for months now. I have worked with him for years and we used to be sorta cool I guess many moons ago. Months ago I think he heard the tail end of a conversation and maybe he got the wrong idea and he's been weird with me ever since. I did eventually ask him if he had a problem with me and he denied it however he doesn't speak to me unless I say something and even then theres venom in his delivery. Tonight when I walked past him and another co-worked loud laughter erupted from dude and it seemed to cut me like a knife. As if I don't already have enough shit going on I have a hostile work environment to deal with. Its getting really hard to hold on and not quit because I really need this job. My comic is almost done and I am about to go back into production on my film so I gotta keep the money flow coming in. It still weird with me and that certain security officer. Everytime I see him or think about him all that pain of betrayal just floods back in my head and I am reminded how close I came to getting fired all because I was trying to do the right thing and he deliberately put me in a dangerous position despite all the kindness I have shown him in the past. I think Covid has made folks crazy or something because alot of people seem tense or distant. Seems it all started last year when all this Covid shit happened. Maybe we are taking our misery out on each other because we don't really have any other outlets. Well I do. My art and videogames. Comic books. Etc. I even started cleaning up the other day. Moved some furniture around and it felt great. Feel like my brain is trying to heal and my spirit is trying to bounce back yet forces out here just won't let me. Its not all bad. Some days are just better than others.

Theres alot going on in the world even as my own world seems so unstable and surreal these days. Haiti's president was assassinated and shit is going down in Cuba. Biden pulled all the troops out of Afghanistan and as a result Taliban forces are regrouping. A building collapsed in Miami the other day and so far 94 people were pronounced dead. The number of people dead or missing was around 150 so yeah....crazy. Last week the police dept set off a bunch of illegal fireworks in what was supposed to be a standard op but something went wrong....there was a huge explosion that hurt some folks and a bunch of others are now displaced because their homes were damaged. My father and stepmom are still picking up the pieces after the death of my little sister Crystal. One of Captain Liberia's daughters just graduated too. Things were starting to open back up again but theres new strains popping up. Some places don't enforce masks but here at my job they are now requiring proof of vaccinations. (I thought they kept that on record somewhere?) Anyway I lost the card that I was given after my vaccination. Luckily I took a photo I'd posted on Instagram of it so that was my proof. I gotta say I am not keen on getting any more shots. Why? Well its not lost on me some of the health issues I've had seemed to start popping up after flu shots and vaccinations. So yeah I am just trying to be careful. 

Update: 7.16.2021

Somethings on my mind lately....

That time at the black gay meeting when I talked about my projects and got no support but then the African filmmaker got literally hundreds of dollars instantly when they passed around a collection....

That time when I noticed the little table in the back (that no one uses) suddenly blocked with stacks of boxes obviously to deter me yet the person who eats in the conference room with the thermostat turned all the way up (when he is not supposed to be in there) is overlooked. I was even asked to leave one morning as if I was stealing something. It does hurt when you work somewhere and you have been there a long time yet you are treated a certain kind of way.

Those times when other people told me they had issues with a certain person. 

That time someone told me someone who hurt me is "weird" (I just thought it was interesting someone else who knew the person less than me could pick up on things I overlooked for whatever reason)

That time when I realized I should have quit this job awhile ago and its time I set a date to get the hell up out of dodge as they say. 

That time I realized a certain person was trying to push my buttons perhaps to cause an argument even though I am going out of my way to keep the communication focused on work related things. 

That time I realized I have experienced less BS in my life because I am socially invisible most of the time and basically keep a low profile.

That time I realized I get good energy when focusing on some folks. (The exact opposite in some cases)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 38

 (To Jill Scott. +826 Experience)

Quite the journey PART 6. "CONCLUSION"

Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. California has opened up for one so we don't have to wear masks everywhere. Basically businesses don't have to stay closed because the Covid is under control even though theres the threat of variants. I think folks were just tired of being cooped up and it was getting pretty serious for many businesses....the ones that didn't go under already. Things are still weird at work with me and you know who. I just decided its best not to speak unless its work related. I don't trust him. There were many instances where I should have known he wasn't a safe person. I guess I let my emotions (or his pheromones) cloud my mind. Yeah he's cute and I did enjoy talking with him at times yet there comes a time when we will all have to walk away from a toxic person or environment. Some days are harder than others but its getting easier I promise you. I realize there are people in my life and other things that should be getting my attention. So that helps. Like Alicia Keys said in a recent song..."Wasted energy" Some other folks here at work are strange with me too. As if I committed the unforgivable sin. I dunno. Perhaps in their eyes I did. One thing though I have to say is that the gay community seems much less reluctant these days to forgive anyone for anything. I'm not perfect and struggle with feelings of rage and hate but over time these things tend to fade. Especially when you realize you really have so many other things to worry about. Important things that really matter. Money. Career. Family and what you will do with the time you have left here you know? You just gotta make peace with the fact not everybody is gonna like you and keep it moving. Those who love us who we neglect....well when they are gone that pain and emptiness is a very real, serious and important thing that can keep coming back to tear at your spirit over the years. I have been calling Dad regularly to check on him. Yesterday was Fathers Day so it was another excuse to phone home. I meant to send him something but he has never texted me his mailing address. (I can't believe how un-computer literate this man is) I also called my Stepdad yesterday. He did help raise me after all. Eddie is from Trinidad and has been with my mother since dinosaurs walked the earth. I have one sister, a stepsister and one brother from him. I'm cool with the sisters but my brother has seemingly abandoned me. I guess I basically did the same thing in the 20 something years I was running around here in LA trying to find myself and keeping all my family at a distance. Its a double edged sword. Distance.  

I should have called home more often. I should have been a bigger part of his life and now I barely know him. I feel like he's slipping thru my fingers and out of my life. But then again he was never really a part of my life. Dude has made some bad decisions and they say he smokes too much. One sister told him to lose her number. Still theres hope. Joshuazilla is still here. Crystal slipped right past me. Just like my cousin Montressa. My aunt Roquamae. My uncle Howard. My Grandmamas are both gone and I wish I could go back in time and just hug them one more time and tell them how much it means to me that they didn't give up on my hard headed ass. I'm not gonna lie....Crystals passing and funeral still feels surreal and foggy. It feels unreal that this perfectly cool woman with so much going for her is no longer alive. Its crazy that someone so good is gone and theres so much evilness left just walking around you know? So much about life doesn't make sense. Even after being here for 52 years so much is a mystery to me. 

Despite all the gloom I have been able to kinda bounce back to being me. I am still getting work done on my comic and today I asked Damonzilla to direct the Sasquatch project for me in August. The script meanwhile is getting formatted. I'm thinking I might just do the film as three short parts. A three part webseries maybe? Need to get a solid budget though. I might go visit "Captain Liberia" next month or later this year. Gotta focus more on making sure I am saving more money because I plan to leave my job either Dec or early 2022. So I'm gonna cut out the luxury spending. No that does not mean I am giving up Netflix. 

-To Be Continued-

(UPDATE: 6.26.2021) -To....Boom bap 90's instrumental mix-(Youtube) From Jan 26 2020.

So much of the time when I really think about it I feel a great sea of sadness...just thinking about how I have given so much of my life...my time and energy to fools...idiots. People who really didn't or don't appreciate me. People who don't for whatever reason see the good in me. People who have underestimated me...used me...people who I have put myself out there for... Theres a song by Jill Scott where she talks about bringing someone a peach cobbler and the person rejected it basically. Just recently I encountered some black people on the street and got like the most hostile exchange of energy when I attempted to greet them.  That energy stayed with me for awhile and it made me think how badly I want to leave Cali because I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking....this is normal...folks being nasty towards each other and I should just accept it. Its not normal actually. If anything its normal wanting to move somewhere far away where people are nice and respectful of each other. When I was back in North Carolina for Crystals service it really was something seeing so many folks...black folks all in one space being supportive and I guess it reminds me of something I have been missing for a long time now. It just recently dawned on me that I have suffered some sort of PTS over the years. Dealing with shit at work. Dealing with craziness in the streets and then coming home and having to deal with petty diabolical neighbors who seem intent on turning me into a crazed maniac. Its akin to being poked with a stick over and over for years. I think my brain is trying to heal but every now and then they will do something and I think its safe to say they have figured out my triggers. The thing about triggers is...well with me sometimes it takes me awhile to bounce back from when bad stuff happens and the fight or flight response is continuous. Its not meant to last for along time yet in some cases I get stuck in fight or flight mode. The body is still secreting these chemicals that theres still a threat. So since I don't come down I'm still stuck at this state of not being able to really relax. So yeah this is one of the reasons why I hate bullies so much. Just the other day I came across a video I had to share after seeing it on Facebook. In it this sister was having these kids yell insults at a piece of paper which she crinkled up the more they hurled insults. When the kids stopped she unfolded the paper and it was all wrinkly looking. Still paper yes but definitely affected by the shit it absorbed. I wonder how many other folks out there are living everyday of their lives in a hostile environment that is hindering their ability to be really mentally healthy? How much of me is me and not simply a reaction to people who are ugly inside? I think its safe to say we all have survival techniques. Some more unique than others. 

My father said this to me a few times when I was in NC. He told me that he didn't want any of his children to feel he thought higher of Crystal than any of us. Its just that she needed more care and I completely understand that. I hope no one else made him feel otherwise. Crystal was dealing with alot so of course she would need more hands on than the rest of us. Its interesting to see people later in years expressing regret over things and then you're like..no it was never like that. I recall a cousin recently posting on Facebook that he was sorry if he in any way hurt anyone over the years. I know I have made some mistakes in life...hurt some people because I was young and stupid at one point. My cousin and I did butt heads in our youth but at some points we were very close. In fact there are plenty of good memories I have of cousins, family members and friends from back in the day. So it wasn't all bad you know? Some of those people from my past are foggy in my mind and I have to focus past the haze to regain those memories. (Why is it like that?) I find myself at times drifting way back far in my past and thinking of folks I left behind when I left NC. Some I can't see again because they have died. Some have outright shut me out of their lives. Like this one guy I met in summer school back when. Never ever did I do or say anything disrespectful to him yet one day when I managed to reach out after finding his phone number he (and his mother) told me because of what I was they couldn't associate with me. As if I had some terrible disease. Rejection is sometimes for your own good even if it might take you awhile to figure that out. Been rejected so much that it does seem like a re-occuring theme. Not saying EVERYBODY hates me (although there are moments I wonder) but theres always been a peculiar energy about California. I remember looking out the window of the Greyhound bus when I first came to LA and seeing some energy radiating from the mountains. Was kinda like heat vapors or something. Maybe that energy draws certain types of folks here and when you are not vibrating on that frequency its the reason why many of us struggle for success here even when on all accounts we should be VERY successful. I dunno. Having a good support system helps too. Could be a part of tapping into that energy? I think you tap into some of that energy when you are performing in concert or when alot of folks are following you on social media. Could be why its so addicting to folks. Its kind of like worship in a way I think. Crystal had a great support group and her parents have that too. Its powerful. It won't bring her back to life yet it its strong enough to keep the spirit of who she is/was around forever. (Perhaps literally and figuratively but alot of ya'll don't believe in ghosts. -What else could be making these elevators go up and down all night since everyone else left the building?- You believe in God, aliens, the devil and Illuminati but what-ever) 

I wish I could go back in time. I could save my sister. Stop 911. (invest in Apple) Make sure some people never fall out of touch and let everyone I never told how much I love them. Instead of wasting energy on SO MANY knuckleheads. That image of my sister in that coffin is both vague and vivid at the same time. How does that even make sense? I'm still hoping this is all some bad pro-longed dream. So much floods my mind when I let it. Seeing my father barely able to stand and being supported...trying to comfort him...helping carry the coffin...seeing all the cars...eating all that food....re-uniting with some family I have not seen in many moons...hearing Geraline cry....seeing how strong my sister Stephanie was....quiet rage at where I was seated because I couldn't really see much of what was happening at the service even though we were in the front. I touched Crystal...as she lay there looking very much NOT like the person I remember. But I remember a cute little girl with ponytails and have very little recollection of the years between when she grew more and more sickly. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time as they lowered her into the ground and all I am left with is an aching emptiness and memories. Memories of what I had and can't get back. Then it makes me think of who is still here with me in the land of the living. It makes me think what am I gonna do with the time I have left. I can either miss another 20 years with loved ones or make sure the next 20 are awesome whilst maybe making up for lost time trying to rebuild some of those bridges. Just because some of the faces or memories are foggy doesn't mean we can't make new clear stronger memories right? Even if I never move back to NC I think its important to make sure I keep those who matter most closer to my heart. No more wasted energy. People did say to me a few times about Crystal "She's not in pain anymore" I hear that over the years about others too. Crystal battled several health issues. Sometimes I feel myself getting angry that we have not been able to overcome certain illnesses in society. Diabetes. Cancer. Asthma. High blood pressure. Mental illness. Sometimes I get the idea we are eating so much fucked up shit and being exposed to so much crazy energies and radiation is the reason so many folks have these problems and maybe the powers that be let it be due to population control. I just feel like it makes no sense some of the things we are having to deal with as a society. I feel so bad because I didn't even come home to see her when she lost her leg. I didn't visit my cousin Montressa either. Was so wrapped up in my own shit. Let me tell you...when you lose enough people eventually a light comes on and you realize you need to not let anymore slip thru your hands while you still have time left. It becomes much more apparent...the BS you need to let go. Also when you leave this plane of existence what do you want to be remembered for? Hopefully not for chasing after the affections of fools and idiots. In her passing Crystal managed to teach me a valuable life lesson and her funeral really was a celebration of a life well lived and loved. Genuinely loved by many because her strength and kindness touched so many. What else could be more important? Her memory will forever light the lives of all she touched and I made the decision (back in NC) that I will do my own tribute by naming the most powerful hero in my comics universe after my little sister. A constant reminder to hold on to what matters most.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 37

 Quite The Journey Part 5

Its taken me awhile to snap out of the funk I have been in these past few months. Well its actually been longer than a few months truthfully. But I am starting to feel more like me than the out of control barely in control of his emotions thing I was before. If that makes any sense. My thoughts still seem alittle fuzzed yet not quite as fuzzy as before. I mean I'm not completely there because I have been doing little decidedly un-Sergio-ish things. Forgetting stuff. Feeling nonchalant at work. Putting off cleaning up and writing or being creative. Feeling numb towards friends and relatives. Putting things off. For example I left my keys in the Lyft I took to work last night and it caused me much grief this morning because I couldn't get in my apartment. Had to get my landlord to help me out. Ended up climbing thru a neighbors window. I had a major anxiety attack the other day because the neighbors tapping on my wall triggered me. (Yeah I know its time for me to move and quit my job) Ended up getting three days off work but now I am running really low on vacation time. Speaking of....they got my time off request mixed up because I am supposed to be off Monday yet I am still on the schedule. Been having some pain in my leg and back and Kaiser still hasn't given me a clear solution for those damn headaches. Trying not to think too much about the root canal I'm due for this year. I somehow erased the ghostly encounter I had at my fathers place but managed to recover it off my ipod. (Happened I think when everyone was out getting gas due to the Russian hacking of the pipeline) Then my computer is tripping. My gaming laptop. But what else is new right? Hah. A shirt I sent Captain Liberia was stolen from his mail but Amazon replaced it. (Come to find out most of the shirts I sent him fit too tight and he's only just now telling me) Microsoft refunded me for a really buggy game (Necromundo) Last night at work we had to call the cops for a guy sleeping by the door and it took them forever to arrive. (This is why I hate that stupid defund the po po crap) At least we might not have to wear those damn masks on our faces anymore soon. June 15 is when things are supposed to open up here in LA. PS5 is still pretty much impossible to get. We've had several mass shooting events recently (a kid was even shot but they finally caught his shooters) but thankfully no big fire stuff. And my brother still refuses to call me. Its as if he's acting like I no longer exist. Perhaps in his mind I don't? 

I went to the store and bought a bunch of candy. Gummi candy which I love. A particular brand is just irresistable. Kinda like these thoughts I have of a certain dude I met thru my filming projects. He's straight and I know theres no future but its a struggle at times to get him out of my head. But I do often resist the urge to communicate with him more. Not to mention someone from my past who recently surfaced when I went back home. "Stay in your lane" has become a mantra. I'm not wasting anymore time on some knucklehead who's not interested in me. Seems not much of anybody is interested in anybody anymore. What up with that? Its almost as if someone cast a spell on folks minds and now relationships are like endangered and shit. I feel like I am surrounded by a bunch of folks who have given up on love and I've got to escape from here. Escape to Africa. Or North Dakota.

The publisher of my comic project threw me a curveball because he doesn't want to publish some of the comics in the anthology. I think its because they are not up to their standards. This is causing me stress because I have been paying to get these comic stories done and now I have to find other avenues of getting several of them published. Those include "Gerbilla" "Tohm The Mouse And Harrold" and "Gamer Granny" I think I managed to talk dude into doing a flip book featuring DragonManx and Sasquatch with Detector Pig as a back up tale. These are afer all being done by his artists. What this basically means is my 6 comic anthology is now a 3 comic anthology. So I have three comics I have to put out either individually or as separate books. 

I have been calling home weekly to check on Dad and Geraline. (At some point I would like to help them deal with a rodent problem!) (I actually have my war to fight with some six legged would be invaders) Still need to call Orange-Dre who lost his mom around the same time my sister passed. It still feel surreal and dreamlike thinking of that time spent in NC and what happened. The funeral. All the people. All the food. Seeing people I hadn't seen in many moons. People remembered me but I seem to have blocks in my head because of vague recollections. It irritates me you know? Why can't I remember them? And seeing Crystal laying there in that coffin looking so much like someone else who wasn't her.... I tried to comfort my father and Geraline. I mean I know I made a difference by being there but it was building inside that this girl was gone and I blew it because I never got to know the beautiful person who'd left the lives of so many folks empty. Its funny how you can feel numb then the pain inside just gradually bubble to the surface. I recall my mother or sister saying when my Grandma passed that "It comes in waves" It took my mom some time before she was even able to go to Grandmas grave. I lost an uncle recently and still have yet to process it all. 

At Crystals funeral my Sister Stephanie was so strong and composed. I think she'd gotten much of the grief out before. As I sat there next to her irritated because I couldn't really see much that was happening (due to how they had us seated) I looked thru the booklet they gave everyone commemorating Crystals life. Took in all the words from folks who knew her. Folks who were inspired by her because she was a fighter. I took in the lively music. There was a kind of building dread of what was to come. That final goodbye. We walked out the church as Dad had requested the coffin to stay closed till the end of the service. All of that time is a blur in my mind. I walked out because I'd already said goodbye at our private viewing days before and I even touched Crystals face. At the funeral while outside I saw them bringing my Dad out and he was basically collapsing. The sun was out in full swing and I tried to take in all the folks around. Was able to catch up with some family then the moment came when I was asked if I'd like to be a pallbearer. I went over to help them lift that heavy coffin. Then we put Crystal in the hearse that took her on her final drive to the gravesite. The drive took a loooooong time. I guess it was because we were driving so slow. Approaching cars pulled over in respect. I looked out the window to see lines and lines of cars behind us. This girl was so much loved. To be  remembered, truly loved by so many in such a way is so epic in its bad assedness.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 36

  QUITE THE JOURNEY PART 4:

So the day of the funeral came and it was a heavy day. Thats the understatement of the century I think. First off my father asked me to help him clean off and take some tables to the church where a dinner was gonna take place after the funeral service. He was kinda ticked at me because I didn't  have any dress pants. Only the black jeans I'd brought with me. I mean....yeah he was pissed at me. I think now I realize he was REALLY pissed at me. I saw only one other person at the funeral in jeans. It was a guy and I have no idea who he was. HE was actually wearing blue jeans so that made me feel alittle less out of sorts. Maybe Dad wasn't so much mad at me but just channeling some other stuff. Which is understandable. I guess one reason why I probably stay away from family and people in general is because theres always something that happens to bring the tension. Perhaps the truth is its unavoidable? 

The hearse came to pick us up at the house. My sister Stephanie rode with us. So it was Geraline, Dad. Tonya (my stepsister) and her son. We really didn't have much to say to each other but her son doesn't know me so thats understandable. I did try to be social but....there was no connection. I think I might have a reputation as the weird step uncle who never grew up. The whole time I was in the hearse (I sat in the front with the driver) everything was feeling so dreamlike. It still does in a way. Like maybe it wasn't happening. Like it didn't happen. I think my brain was still in shock. The drive took like forever. That was fine by me. I wasn't in a hurry to get to that church. One thing that was cool was that oncoming cars would stop and park on the side whenever they approached our loooooong line of cars. I am not exxagerrating either when I say Crystal had the biggest funeral I have ever personally attended. Girl touched alot of lives. Its pretty awesome knowing so many people loved her. 

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 35

 QUITE THE JOURNEY PART 3:

My father and Geraline were pretty calm when I first arrived in NC. But the heaviness of what had happened...its the kind of heaviness one can feel in the very air. People were coming by the house alot. There was alot of food. All the Parkers fried chicken I could eat. I guess this was making up for me not having eaten Parkers since I was probably in my early 20's. Parkers has a reputation for their fried chicken and barbecue. I also ate plenty of that during my visit because there was so much of it right there. Usually I avoid pork! There was cole slaw...hushpuppies....and sweet tea. There was banana pudding and all sorts of cakes. Folks brought us breakfast too. 

Some people came by to pray with the family. It was truly heartwarming to see so many people concerned and stopping thru to spend time with Geraline. Making sure she was alright. I think folks just wanted to make sure she wasn't alone too much. I have never seen such an outpouring of love and support. My father has a pretty big family so I expected folks to be coming thru but Geralines family and church family really went above and beyond in looking out for her. 

I'd promised my father I would go with him to view Crystal later during the week. I remember going with Louis to see his father many moons ago and it didn't really bother me. But they brought her by the house in a hearse one day and they never opened the coffin or anything but Dad for the most part held it together. I think he cried just alittle but maybe a day later when we actually went to see Crystal at the funeral home he and Geraline just lost it. I'd never seen my father cry but the pain of seeing his child there laying in that coffin was just too much. Something no parent should ever have to experience really. Crystal didn't even look like herself to me. But then again mostly no one ever seems to you know? I think the last time I'd actually seen Crystal alive was when she was in her mid teen years. Thats how long I'd been away from home. I know I need to do better than this. Dad did at one point in my trip say something about something like this shouldn't be the reason I come home. Its a wake up call to me that I need to work more on my family connections. People are getting older and time is just flying by. One thing that worries me alot these days is the fact I have a younger brother who barely knows me. He's around 27 now and I'm gonna have to put in some work to fix our relationship. Some of his life decisions worry me too so a trip to Florida sometime this year is on the top of my to do list.

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 34

QUITE THE JOURNEY...

PART 2

The shuttle came to pick me up from my job around 4:45am-ish. It was supposed to be there at 4:30am but there was no problem with me getting to the airport on time. Its crazy that the super shuttle type services I usually use for flights have now gone bankrupt or apparently out of business. At least thats what the driver told me. When I got to the airport I had to get one of the associates to help me check in because now you can't just simply do it on the kiosk with your credit card. I heard fraud is the reason. Leave it up to stupid humans to ruin things. I  checked in the luggage case the cute guy sold me. I just packed it with clothes mostly. I put all my electronics and gadgets in my big backpack. (I still miss the one E-Zilla gave me years ago) I didn't take my laptop or any electronics out of my backpack as I hate putting my shit on those nasty ass trays I never see them sanitize. But they did kinda bug me about it because they needed to look inside my backpack. Honestly I think I hate checking in more than anything else involved with catching the plane. Surprisingly I slept much of the plane ride. I was pretty tired. Not just physically but emotionally as well. 

The flight to Charlotte was like 4 hours and the connecting flight to Raleigh was around 30 minutes. Dad and my nephew Semaj picked me up at the airport. I think the drive back to his place in Robersonville took around an hour. We talked on the way and I asked my father some questions about Crystal. Mostly I just wanted to know the whole story. Dad and another person had to break into Crystals house when she didn't answer and Dad found her unresponsive on her bed. He tried to give her CPR and when the ambulance came they did the same thing but were unsuccessful. Dad was pretty calm yet I could see he was dealing with alot of stuff in his mind. I think the shock was still in effect. There was pain and weariness in his voice. He'd already lost a sister days before and now this insane tragedy was happening. It still seems like some terrible foggy dream I wish I could wake up from but it hasn't happened yet.

It was nice to see Geraline again. Geraline is my Dads wife and she is my second mother. I have so many fond memories of this woman who wrote me such a heartfelt letter years ago when I fell out of touch. Geraline would make banana pudding and marshmallow treats for me, my stepsister Tonya and Carlos Tonyas cousin. Geraline witnessed some of my epic childhood craziness as well. Like that time I caught this huge snapping turtle! Come to think of it I was usually getting myself into some crazy stuff. Dumb kid. She recently fought and overcame her own illness. Geraline worked for a company for probably around 30 years. I gotta say it was mindblowing how many people were in and out of that house the whole time I was there. They....we were all gonna need that support for what was to come.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 33

QUITE THE JOURNEY.... 

(Part 1)

I bounced back from a week long on and off headache and got the news that my aunt Rosa "Roquamae" passed. Roquamae was the name I gave her. Of course I have nicknames for just about everyone I know. (Not really sure why I do that) Aunt Roquamae basically helped raise me when I was coming up. She mostly helped babysit me and my cousin Rochelle. Her sons "Orange-Dre" and Donte were pretty close to me during those years. Particularly "Orange-Dre" (Andre) who sometimes took martial arts with me from  the same teacher "Jasperzilla". Andre's dad Willie died like a year or two ago. Willie was the cool uncle who rode the big ass motorcycle. Aunt Roguamae had/has a heart of gold but she was one very strict woman. I recall her ironing her bedsheets. She was pretty intense with the cleaning obviously. I regret not getting a chance to talk with her before she passed. She was pretty bad off at some points and then appeared to be bouncing back so I kept my distance. Wasn't expecting her to check out. I kept in touch with "Orange-Dre" though on what was going on. Then the biggie happened....

Just as I had a few days before I received a message on Facebook from my cousin Tanya telling me to call home but this time she told me in an instant message to call my dad. So I did with thoughts running wild in my brain. My father picked up the phone with his usual calm manner but his voice had weariness in it. I asked him what was going on and he said with a sigh "Today you lost a little sister" and I was just numb and in shock at the same time. 

Crystal and I were never close. I can probably count on both hands how many actual conversations we had but over the years I would check in with Dad because her health and that of her mothers began to fluctuate. Her mom was able to bounce back from a disease that devastated her body. First I think Crystals issue was diabetes then she started having some issues with blackouts. Maybe headaches too I think. We spoke on the phone when things got particularly hairy and I think I asked her the same thing I asked Dad....if they were getting second opinions on what treatments were being used. Then Crystal's condition got so bad she needed a kidney donor which she would eventually get and reject. Then later on just like my cousin Montressa she needed an amputation. (I will be so glad when science catches up with science fiction and we have fully functional prosthetic limbs like Steve Austins) What happened was that someone came over to check on Crystal and they couldn't get in the house so Dad came over and they broke in the house and found Crystal cold and non responsive on her bed. Dad did CPR and the ambulance came to continue attempts to revive her. Nothing worked however. 

I think my mother called shortly after I got off the phone with my father because she'd heard what happened and wished me her condolences. Everything seemed a blur to me. In fact I am still processing everything and trying to come to terms with this double whammy tragedy. Trying not to be mad at the doctors. Trying to make peace with the fact the human race has basically failed so many people with radiation,chemicals and pollution....all these things that are rampant in society and harming the healths of so many and its pretty much accepted. Just drug us up and send us home. I think in many cases we just take the docs words without doing research or getting a second opinion. I was sitting down eating when my sister Stephanie and her son Semaj messaged me on Facebook. Semaj told me during our conversation that it would mean so much to my father if I came home because he needed me. It was then I realized I had to go home. Now was the time after almost 20 years. It was time for me to make that return journey.

I'd already missed a week off work and most of my sick days and vacation/personal time off was spent but when I called my boss and told her what happened she let me know all the employees are given 5 days of bereavement time so I asked for the time off and got approved instantly. She was very understanding. (She'd lost her mother last year to Covid) In fact all my bosses or supervisors were understanding. I had to work two days basically by myself because the officer I had the epic falling out with last year was off that Monday and then Tuesday when he came in due to pain from a hernia he wasn't able to do patrols. (Interestingly enough he didn't give his condolences but anyway....!) That Tuesday I only worked until 4:30am since my flight was at 7:30am. I'd packed after quite the adventure finding a travel bag. (A cute Armenien(?) dude saved the day by selling me a bag because the one I'd ordered from Amazon was just too big) I'd barely managed to pack in time and almost lost my keys. In fact I left a bag of oranges on my bed because I was rushing to get out the house to leave for work after packing and the LYFT was waiting downstairs about to leave my ass. Thankfully that night at work before my flight was a quite uneventful one. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 32

 (Listening to the "Depeche Mode" station on Pandora)

The last week has been so surreal. My Aunt Rosa passed and I was home trying to get over a headache and some depression over things then days later my little sister Crystal passed. This is really a devastating horrific turn of events and it was a very easy decision for me to make that I needed to go home to be with my father whom I've not seen since a 2005 visit to Atlanta. Crystal and I have never been close and in alot of ways I feel like I barely know her. This is what happens when one moves away from home and rarely visits. We didn't exactly keep in touch either but we did talk a few times over the years. I feel bad and when I talk to others about how estranged I feel from family they remind me the ball swings both ways in regards to keeping in touch. My cousin Heather was the only family member who came out here to see me. I just have to remember that. Crystal and her mother have had to deal with some pretty epic bouts with sickness over the years. I mean at one time Crystals mom was really in considerable danger. Geraldine contracted a very rare illness that affected her to the point she was in pain. Had trouble walking and at one point needed to eat from a straw. She was able to bounce back from this ordeal which she explained to me in vivid detail. What my stepmom experienced should be one of those inspirational lifetime movies. Seriously. Most of Crystals problems came from being diabetic. She got so bad off that she'd come to need a transplant. Unfortunately she rejected the donated kidney and had to be placed on dialysis. But she had some other problems too. Something was going on with her brain and she would experience blackouts. With all the weird stuff in our foods and pollution along with all sorts of freaky energies we're being exposed to it doesn't really shock me that folks are having so many health problems. 

It hurts though. And at the same time I feel kinda numb. I wish I'd talked to her and kept in touch. I wish the same thing for my aunt who helped take care of me when I was a youngin. I made sure to reach out to her son "Orange-Dre" my cousin. I have also kept in touch with Donte "Orange-Dre's" little bro who used to cry like it was going out of style all the time as a baby. Their father Uncle Willie started reaching out to me maybe a couple of years before he passed. Aunt Rosa went into a coma after dealing with some health issues I only recently found out about. When she seems on her way to recover I guess i made the assumption she would be fine and didn't really push the issue about getting her on the phone. I wish I had. They had her funeral over the weekend. My father and his wife didn't go because they were already dealing with Crystals sudden passing. I for the longest have felt bad about missing "Graham Crackers" funeral (Grandma Mary) and I knew that Crystals funeral wasn't something I could miss. My father needs support. I have never heard him sound like he's in such pain and yeah it does worry me. So I booked my flight over the weekend because I just didn't wanna keep waiting around for them to tell me when the service would take place while those plane ticket prices kept going up. I'm just glad I had alittle money saved up. I was trying to save up for moving or any possible rainy day but this is an emergency so it couldn't  be helped. Goodbye stimulus check. I already started pre-packing. Gotta make sure and bring allergy medicine. I am so glad my job is understanding and that had enough vacation,sick and personal days to cover my time off. I also have bereavement time off. 

Was feeling so funky and out of it these last few days and these sudden passings didn't help. I seemed to be coming down with something but thankfully I bounced back from that shit whatever it was. Honestly the thought of quitting my job has been so strong on my mind these last few months but I'm really trying to hold on not just because i have projects that are unfinished but also because i need to put aside money to tide me over when I do decide I am ready to quit. The last few years have been a trip. Losing "Daughters of Legend" then there were all the incidents at work with "that other security guard" which almost got me fired. Then Covid happened. Then there was that incident at work with another guard who went off on me for relieving her a few minutes late because I had no idea her relief didn't show up so she missed her bus. Then theres the person who doesn't speak to me. Its as if I committed some horrible crime against him or something. Honestly I suspect he overheard me complaining one night about how hard it can be working here with how some people act at times. Another possibility could be that someone is whispering in his ear. Possibly a mutual acquaintance. Another person in his department has been sorta distant after one night I complained to another guard how hard it can be to connect with folks here. Sometimes I do feel like people are so distant and that I don't really fit in or belong here. After watching some videos on youtube where folks were talking about not having friends or coping with loneliness I realize....well I realize this is becoming a common topic. I think just like with mental illness folks are starting to open up about these things they once would hide or keep inside. I don honestly wish I had a snuggle bunny or someone just to hug during these crazy times but I'm starting to understand as time goes by and I get more used to dealing with shit I won't really be so much wanting a relationship. It seems like mostly everyone else has convinced themselves that they don't need anybody. I don't really think I wanna be like that honestly. Seems the norm for plenty of gay men. So many of us seem to be looking for this musclebound perfect man. All the photos I see gay men lusting after....so many of the men in those photos are just so fucked up. Emotionally unavailable. Also many of those guys are STRAIGHT. I swear sometimes I wish my feelings for women were stronger because I am so tired of dealing with with these gay men out here. So many of them I think will be 60 years old before they are ready for any kind of meaningful relationship. Even Captain Liberia confuses me sometimes. I feel like when I show I care he pulls back and when I am not really caring he's interested. (Yeah he does seem spurred on at times when he sees others might be noticing me) I do care alot for dude. Sent him some cool gifts recently and wish I could do more especially since he is having a hard time in school right now. Then there are the men in my life I know who are secretly gay or bi and think I don't know. Not that I am big on making passes at anyone but I made a promise after what happened  here at work that I would NEVER  show feelings for someone who hasn't shown me any. Why waste energy on whats at most a stupid fantasy? And plus....well you know what they say....Sometimes you have to let something go and if its meant to be it'll come back to you. Over the years family has been there and I have been guilty of pushing them aside. Dealing with personal shit. Thinking they probably wouldn't understand. Yet I can't say that they ever really made me feel unloved. Going back home is kinda scary because I gotta see all those who have become strangers. Some will be new faces I've never met but (my brain is trying to recall a dream now) most if not all of those faces will be smiling at me. Even though we are grieving we'll be overjoyed to see each other....regardless of money....how inshape or out of shape I am....no college degree or fancy car..... I think I need to be more mindful of how fortunate I really am.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 31

11:30ishpm-12:30amish)

 (Listening to "All the feels" playlist on Spotify. Its really cool kinda moody neo-soul grooves that perfectly mirrors my mood right now)

Been awhile but today was one of those days where I needed to put my thoughts here so I could process everything. So here goes.... I was on Facebook earlier today when I saw a message from a cousin telling me to call home and call my father. It was urgent with exclamation marks so call I did and I got some heartbreaking news from my father. He said "You lost a little sister today" I think my brain just imploded at the speed of light or something. He then told me she'd passed in her house and they'd had to break in because she was not reachable and it raised flags. I could hear the pain in my fathers voice. Truthfully I'd never heard him sound like this but then again he just lost his sister like a week ago. My aunt "Roquamae" (You know I have nicknames for everyone) I am still trying to process the death of a woman who really was like another mother to me when I was coming up. Also I was just coming down from a headache that bothered me for days. I went to Kaiser yesterday and they gave me a shot (in the a$$!) that really didn't do much. Thankfully the medicine they prescribed eventually seemed to knock it out. 

Krystal and I were not particularly close and me moving away didn't really help. Just like Joshua she and I would talk every now and then. We had great conversations but then life would happen and we'd fall out of touch again. Over the years like her mom and a cousin I lost she had a bunch of health problems. Diabetes. Headaches and black outs. Transplants that didn't work and when I talk to my mother some of her words of comfort were that Krystal wasn't suffering anymore. Its true thats for sure and the way this world is now....I mean I miss all my loved ones who have passed on yet there is so much pain in this world that they are free from now.  I have some vivid memories of Krystal. Once she saw me making the bed and said I was making it up "like a woman" I think I may have asked her how should a guy do it but then again I doubt she ever actually saw my father or any other guy make up a bed. Geraldine always did that stuff. But you can kinda understand how I often feel worlds apart from some of my family back east. Certain ways of thinking and some limited understanding of the world due to not really going far enough from the nest. I have to admit after losing folks you start to realize how precious time is and you understand the importance of keeping in touch with family. Maybe even forgiving folks huh? Maybe even forgiving yourself.....

I already called my job. Let them know I would need to take some time off. Headache had me out a few days and I am sure my sick days are out but they give us 5 days bereavement time so I am gonna take that and go home for the funeral. I haven't been home since like early 2000-ish and now its time. My nephew told me how much it would mean for my father to see me and I remember years back Dad was disappointed I missed Graham Crackers funeral (Gandma Mary)  I am gonna be up all night as usual so Ima check on some flights. Guess theres not much I can do until they give me a date for Krystals funeral. Honestly 2020 up to now has felt like some strange largely unpleasant dream which refuses to end. No it hasn't been all bad but having to wear masks all the time added to how weird and on edge folks have been acting added to all the craziness at work and the ever growing homeless problem here in LA....I suppose it makes sense how strange I have been feeling these last few months particularly. I'm not even gonna get into trying to move past getting kicked out of the center one day when I stayed over upstairs or that pretty devastating situation with me and a certain guard I work with that happened last year. (He accidentally let a homeless guy into the parking lot last week that we had to call the cops on. They never came!) Also another guy who works in another dept I've known for years isn't speaking to me and when I asked him what was goin on he said there was no problem. I've also noticed other folks have been distant as if someone has spread some awful rumor or something. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what others think and I try to stay focused on my goals. I need to get back to speaking with my therapist more often. Journaling as she suggested helps in addition to working on projects and keeping my brain entertained/stimulated but we all eventually need to talk with someone. Well we should. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 30

 Today was unlike any other so I felt compelled to blog. As you are aware the President (madman in the white house) has not accepted the fact he lost re-election and has been spreading lies about it (Bidens election) being a fraud. Its almost like he really is Max Lord from the DC comics because there are allegedly 75 million people who voted for him. So after the votes were counted and Biden was named President Trump and a bunch of his cronies denounced the results. In some cases votes were rec-counted. In some cases Biden actually ended up with more votes than before! So after re-counts didn't acheive the desired results Max Lord started going to states asking officials to throw out votes. When that didn't really work Max began to threaten people. He was even recorded doing this and suffered no repercussions. Of course he didn't. In a last ditch effort today when the electoral votes in Georgia were counted a whole gang of Max supporters rushed the white house which forced the police to retreat as these folks made their way inside the white house. One person died as a result. Now I was watching all this happen this morning via a steaming news feed on Youtube and the whole time was asking "Where the hell is the national guard?" It was announced the other day they would be there on the scene because everyone was expecting some shit to go down. Max did his best to fan the flames because he never as usual condemns the actions of his supporters. Yet he wanted the national guard called in on protesters last year. This man also took out a two page ad in the NY times calling for the death penalty when 5 innocent black kids were accused of murder. He also thinks its okay to "grab women by the pussy" It was only after other republicans got on his case today that Max called in the national guard before things could escalate. As a result of what happened today republicans who were originally supporting Max Lords false claims of voter fraud pulled their support. Even Mike Pence which I wasn't expecting. He refused to go against the constitution to try and over turn the results of Bidens win. Max meanwhile is still refusing to concede. This is either because he knows he might go to jail (especially for today) or perhaps he just doesn't wanna let go of his throne. So this whole nightmarish scenario has backfired because now Biden has more support than he did before and powerful Max supporters who were either scared of him or hoping he would help them out in some way have abandoned ship effectively. Still after all that has gone down during these past few months Biden is now officially embraced and accepted as the President. By those of us who are still logical thinking individuals who don't live in Max's deluded covid-free-so-theres-no need-for-masks or-the-vaccine parallel universe. Apparently at least 75 million folks live there and refuse to leave. 

In other news today I made a bold decision. Well several actually. The first is I decided to start working on a novel about a super villain. The second thing is I requested to be moved to day shift. I bid on an open position. I did it because I think it will be good for me. Good for my nerves and even though I have worked nights for many moons change is good. I mean....I can still say no if I get the position but in the meantime I can think about it and make the best decision. You know? "you know who" came back to work today and it was a big deal for me to even be here tonight as I still have strong feelings about what went down months ago. What it put me thru emotionally. I had to take time off work to recover from what was essentially a breakdown of sorts. I have been thinking alot about all the shit I have been thru because of certain folks here at this location and I'm just tired so its time to leave. If quitting isn't really an issue right now I don't wanna throw away what I have build here at this company because of actions of some knuckleheads. Best to transfer or change shifts since that option is available. Or use the next few weeks to decide otherwise depending on how things go. As far as creative stuff goes I still have things on the table. My comic is coming along. I hired someone to handle production on the Sasquatch film once we go back into production. I'm still doing my video game play videos on Instagram plus I may be starting some sort of podcast sometime this month or in Feb. I also gotta start putting things in storage and deciding where I wanna move to later this year. I need to really focus on saving money though which is a big reason why most of my stimulous check and tax returns are gonna go towards "the moving fund". I also am planning to quit sometime this year (Possibly around August). Not sure if I will go to work in security again afterwards but my guard card registration FINALLY came the other day so I have that option if the need arises so yeah bruh got a lot going on in 2021.