(Listening to the "Depeche Mode" station on Pandora)
The last week has been so surreal. My Aunt Rosa passed and I was home trying to get over a headache and some depression over things then days later my little sister Crystal passed. This is really a devastating horrific turn of events and it was a very easy decision for me to make that I needed to go home to be with my father whom I've not seen since a 2005 visit to Atlanta. Crystal and I have never been close and in alot of ways I feel like I barely know her. This is what happens when one moves away from home and rarely visits. We didn't exactly keep in touch either but we did talk a few times over the years. I feel bad and when I talk to others about how estranged I feel from family they remind me the ball swings both ways in regards to keeping in touch. My cousin Heather was the only family member who came out here to see me. I just have to remember that. Crystal and her mother have had to deal with some pretty epic bouts with sickness over the years. I mean at one time Crystals mom was really in considerable danger. Geraldine contracted a very rare illness that affected her to the point she was in pain. Had trouble walking and at one point needed to eat from a straw. She was able to bounce back from this ordeal which she explained to me in vivid detail. What my stepmom experienced should be one of those inspirational lifetime movies. Seriously. Most of Crystals problems came from being diabetic. She got so bad off that she'd come to need a transplant. Unfortunately she rejected the donated kidney and had to be placed on dialysis. But she had some other problems too. Something was going on with her brain and she would experience blackouts. With all the weird stuff in our foods and pollution along with all sorts of freaky energies we're being exposed to it doesn't really shock me that folks are having so many health problems.
It hurts though. And at the same time I feel kinda numb. I wish I'd talked to her and kept in touch. I wish the same thing for my aunt who helped take care of me when I was a youngin. I made sure to reach out to her son "Orange-Dre" my cousin. I have also kept in touch with Donte "Orange-Dre's" little bro who used to cry like it was going out of style all the time as a baby. Their father Uncle Willie started reaching out to me maybe a couple of years before he passed. Aunt Rosa went into a coma after dealing with some health issues I only recently found out about. When she seems on her way to recover I guess i made the assumption she would be fine and didn't really push the issue about getting her on the phone. I wish I had. They had her funeral over the weekend. My father and his wife didn't go because they were already dealing with Crystals sudden passing. I for the longest have felt bad about missing "Graham Crackers" funeral (Grandma Mary) and I knew that Crystals funeral wasn't something I could miss. My father needs support. I have never heard him sound like he's in such pain and yeah it does worry me. So I booked my flight over the weekend because I just didn't wanna keep waiting around for them to tell me when the service would take place while those plane ticket prices kept going up. I'm just glad I had alittle money saved up. I was trying to save up for moving or any possible rainy day but this is an emergency so it couldn't be helped. Goodbye stimulus check. I already started pre-packing. Gotta make sure and bring allergy medicine. I am so glad my job is understanding and that had enough vacation,sick and personal days to cover my time off. I also have bereavement time off.
Was feeling so funky and out of it these last few days and these sudden passings didn't help. I seemed to be coming down with something but thankfully I bounced back from that shit whatever it was. Honestly the thought of quitting my job has been so strong on my mind these last few months but I'm really trying to hold on not just because i have projects that are unfinished but also because i need to put aside money to tide me over when I do decide I am ready to quit. The last few years have been a trip. Losing "Daughters of Legend" then there were all the incidents at work with "that other security guard" which almost got me fired. Then Covid happened. Then there was that incident at work with another guard who went off on me for relieving her a few minutes late because I had no idea her relief didn't show up so she missed her bus. Then theres the person who doesn't speak to me. Its as if I committed some horrible crime against him or something. Honestly I suspect he overheard me complaining one night about how hard it can be working here with how some people act at times. Another possibility could be that someone is whispering in his ear. Possibly a mutual acquaintance. Another person in his department has been sorta distant after one night I complained to another guard how hard it can be to connect with folks here. Sometimes I do feel like people are so distant and that I don't really fit in or belong here. After watching some videos on youtube where folks were talking about not having friends or coping with loneliness I realize....well I realize this is becoming a common topic. I think just like with mental illness folks are starting to open up about these things they once would hide or keep inside. I don honestly wish I had a snuggle bunny or someone just to hug during these crazy times but I'm starting to understand as time goes by and I get more used to dealing with shit I won't really be so much wanting a relationship. It seems like mostly everyone else has convinced themselves that they don't need anybody. I don't really think I wanna be like that honestly. Seems the norm for plenty of gay men. So many of us seem to be looking for this musclebound perfect man. All the photos I see gay men lusting after....so many of the men in those photos are just so fucked up. Emotionally unavailable. Also many of those guys are STRAIGHT. I swear sometimes I wish my feelings for women were stronger because I am so tired of dealing with with these gay men out here. So many of them I think will be 60 years old before they are ready for any kind of meaningful relationship. Even Captain Liberia confuses me sometimes. I feel like when I show I care he pulls back and when I am not really caring he's interested. (Yeah he does seem spurred on at times when he sees others might be noticing me) I do care alot for dude. Sent him some cool gifts recently and wish I could do more especially since he is having a hard time in school right now. Then there are the men in my life I know who are secretly gay or bi and think I don't know. Not that I am big on making passes at anyone but I made a promise after what happened here at work that I would NEVER show feelings for someone who hasn't shown me any. Why waste energy on whats at most a stupid fantasy? And plus....well you know what they say....Sometimes you have to let something go and if its meant to be it'll come back to you. Over the years family has been there and I have been guilty of pushing them aside. Dealing with personal shit. Thinking they probably wouldn't understand. Yet I can't say that they ever really made me feel unloved. Going back home is kinda scary because I gotta see all those who have become strangers. Some will be new faces I've never met but (my brain is trying to recall a dream now) most if not all of those faces will be smiling at me. Even though we are grieving we'll be overjoyed to see each other....regardless of money....how inshape or out of shape I am....no college degree or fancy car..... I think I need to be more mindful of how fortunate I really am.
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