Quite The Journey Part 5
Its taken me awhile to snap out of the funk I have been in these past few months. Well its actually been longer than a few months truthfully. But I am starting to feel more like me than the out of control barely in control of his emotions thing I was before. If that makes any sense. My thoughts still seem alittle fuzzed yet not quite as fuzzy as before. I mean I'm not completely there because I have been doing little decidedly un-Sergio-ish things. Forgetting stuff. Feeling nonchalant at work. Putting off cleaning up and writing or being creative. Feeling numb towards friends and relatives. Putting things off. For example I left my keys in the Lyft I took to work last night and it caused me much grief this morning because I couldn't get in my apartment. Had to get my landlord to help me out. Ended up climbing thru a neighbors window. I had a major anxiety attack the other day because the neighbors tapping on my wall triggered me. (Yeah I know its time for me to move and quit my job) Ended up getting three days off work but now I am running really low on vacation time. Speaking of....they got my time off request mixed up because I am supposed to be off Monday yet I am still on the schedule. Been having some pain in my leg and back and Kaiser still hasn't given me a clear solution for those damn headaches. Trying not to think too much about the root canal I'm due for this year. I somehow erased the ghostly encounter I had at my fathers place but managed to recover it off my ipod. (Happened I think when everyone was out getting gas due to the Russian hacking of the pipeline) Then my computer is tripping. My gaming laptop. But what else is new right? Hah. A shirt I sent Captain Liberia was stolen from his mail but Amazon replaced it. (Come to find out most of the shirts I sent him fit too tight and he's only just now telling me) Microsoft refunded me for a really buggy game (Necromundo) Last night at work we had to call the cops for a guy sleeping by the door and it took them forever to arrive. (This is why I hate that stupid defund the po po crap) At least we might not have to wear those damn masks on our faces anymore soon. June 15 is when things are supposed to open up here in LA. PS5 is still pretty much impossible to get. We've had several mass shooting events recently (a kid was even shot but they finally caught his shooters) but thankfully no big fire stuff. And my brother still refuses to call me. Its as if he's acting like I no longer exist. Perhaps in his mind I don't?
I went to the store and bought a bunch of candy. Gummi candy which I love. A particular brand is just irresistable. Kinda like these thoughts I have of a certain dude I met thru my filming projects. He's straight and I know theres no future but its a struggle at times to get him out of my head. But I do often resist the urge to communicate with him more. Not to mention someone from my past who recently surfaced when I went back home. "Stay in your lane" has become a mantra. I'm not wasting anymore time on some knucklehead who's not interested in me. Seems not much of anybody is interested in anybody anymore. What up with that? Its almost as if someone cast a spell on folks minds and now relationships are like endangered and shit. I feel like I am surrounded by a bunch of folks who have given up on love and I've got to escape from here. Escape to Africa. Or North Dakota.
The publisher of my comic project threw me a curveball because he doesn't want to publish some of the comics in the anthology. I think its because they are not up to their standards. This is causing me stress because I have been paying to get these comic stories done and now I have to find other avenues of getting several of them published. Those include "Gerbilla" "Tohm The Mouse And Harrold" and "Gamer Granny" I think I managed to talk dude into doing a flip book featuring DragonManx and Sasquatch with Detector Pig as a back up tale. These are afer all being done by his artists. What this basically means is my 6 comic anthology is now a 3 comic anthology. So I have three comics I have to put out either individually or as separate books.
I have been calling home weekly to check on Dad and Geraline. (At some point I would like to help them deal with a rodent problem!) (I actually have my war to fight with some six legged would be invaders) Still need to call Orange-Dre who lost his mom around the same time my sister passed. It still feel surreal and dreamlike thinking of that time spent in NC and what happened. The funeral. All the people. All the food. Seeing people I hadn't seen in many moons. People remembered me but I seem to have blocks in my head because of vague recollections. It irritates me you know? Why can't I remember them? And seeing Crystal laying there in that coffin looking so much like someone else who wasn't her.... I tried to comfort my father and Geraline. I mean I know I made a difference by being there but it was building inside that this girl was gone and I blew it because I never got to know the beautiful person who'd left the lives of so many folks empty. Its funny how you can feel numb then the pain inside just gradually bubble to the surface. I recall my mother or sister saying when my Grandma passed that "It comes in waves" It took my mom some time before she was even able to go to Grandmas grave. I lost an uncle recently and still have yet to process it all.
At Crystals funeral my Sister Stephanie was so strong and composed. I think she'd gotten much of the grief out before. As I sat there next to her irritated because I couldn't really see much that was happening (due to how they had us seated) I looked thru the booklet they gave everyone commemorating Crystals life. Took in all the words from folks who knew her. Folks who were inspired by her because she was a fighter. I took in the lively music. There was a kind of building dread of what was to come. That final goodbye. We walked out the church as Dad had requested the coffin to stay closed till the end of the service. All of that time is a blur in my mind. I walked out because I'd already said goodbye at our private viewing days before and I even touched Crystals face. At the funeral while outside I saw them bringing my Dad out and he was basically collapsing. The sun was out in full swing and I tried to take in all the folks around. Was able to catch up with some family then the moment came when I was asked if I'd like to be a pallbearer. I went over to help them lift that heavy coffin. Then we put Crystal in the hearse that took her on her final drive to the gravesite. The drive took a loooooong time. I guess it was because we were driving so slow. Approaching cars pulled over in respect. I looked out the window to see lines and lines of cars behind us. This girl was so much loved. To be remembered, truly loved by so many in such a way is so epic in its bad assedness.
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