Confessions of a sad superhero book 31

11:30ishpm-12:30amish)

 (Listening to "All the feels" playlist on Spotify. Its really cool kinda moody neo-soul grooves that perfectly mirrors my mood right now)

Been awhile but today was one of those days where I needed to put my thoughts here so I could process everything. So here goes.... I was on Facebook earlier today when I saw a message from a cousin telling me to call home and call my father. It was urgent with exclamation marks so call I did and I got some heartbreaking news from my father. He said "You lost a little sister today" I think my brain just imploded at the speed of light or something. He then told me she'd passed in her house and they'd had to break in because she was not reachable and it raised flags. I could hear the pain in my fathers voice. Truthfully I'd never heard him sound like this but then again he just lost his sister like a week ago. My aunt "Roquamae" (You know I have nicknames for everyone) I am still trying to process the death of a woman who really was like another mother to me when I was coming up. Also I was just coming down from a headache that bothered me for days. I went to Kaiser yesterday and they gave me a shot (in the a$$!) that really didn't do much. Thankfully the medicine they prescribed eventually seemed to knock it out. 

Krystal and I were not particularly close and me moving away didn't really help. Just like Joshua she and I would talk every now and then. We had great conversations but then life would happen and we'd fall out of touch again. Over the years like her mom and a cousin I lost she had a bunch of health problems. Diabetes. Headaches and black outs. Transplants that didn't work and when I talk to my mother some of her words of comfort were that Krystal wasn't suffering anymore. Its true thats for sure and the way this world is now....I mean I miss all my loved ones who have passed on yet there is so much pain in this world that they are free from now.  I have some vivid memories of Krystal. Once she saw me making the bed and said I was making it up "like a woman" I think I may have asked her how should a guy do it but then again I doubt she ever actually saw my father or any other guy make up a bed. Geraldine always did that stuff. But you can kinda understand how I often feel worlds apart from some of my family back east. Certain ways of thinking and some limited understanding of the world due to not really going far enough from the nest. I have to admit after losing folks you start to realize how precious time is and you understand the importance of keeping in touch with family. Maybe even forgiving folks huh? Maybe even forgiving yourself.....

I already called my job. Let them know I would need to take some time off. Headache had me out a few days and I am sure my sick days are out but they give us 5 days bereavement time so I am gonna take that and go home for the funeral. I haven't been home since like early 2000-ish and now its time. My nephew told me how much it would mean for my father to see me and I remember years back Dad was disappointed I missed Graham Crackers funeral (Gandma Mary)  I am gonna be up all night as usual so Ima check on some flights. Guess theres not much I can do until they give me a date for Krystals funeral. Honestly 2020 up to now has felt like some strange largely unpleasant dream which refuses to end. No it hasn't been all bad but having to wear masks all the time added to how weird and on edge folks have been acting added to all the craziness at work and the ever growing homeless problem here in LA....I suppose it makes sense how strange I have been feeling these last few months particularly. I'm not even gonna get into trying to move past getting kicked out of the center one day when I stayed over upstairs or that pretty devastating situation with me and a certain guard I work with that happened last year. (He accidentally let a homeless guy into the parking lot last week that we had to call the cops on. They never came!) Also another guy who works in another dept I've known for years isn't speaking to me and when I asked him what was goin on he said there was no problem. I've also noticed other folks have been distant as if someone has spread some awful rumor or something. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what others think and I try to stay focused on my goals. I need to get back to speaking with my therapist more often. Journaling as she suggested helps in addition to working on projects and keeping my brain entertained/stimulated but we all eventually need to talk with someone. Well we should. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 30

 Today was unlike any other so I felt compelled to blog. As you are aware the President (madman in the white house) has not accepted the fact he lost re-election and has been spreading lies about it (Bidens election) being a fraud. Its almost like he really is Max Lord from the DC comics because there are allegedly 75 million people who voted for him. So after the votes were counted and Biden was named President Trump and a bunch of his cronies denounced the results. In some cases votes were rec-counted. In some cases Biden actually ended up with more votes than before! So after re-counts didn't acheive the desired results Max Lord started going to states asking officials to throw out votes. When that didn't really work Max began to threaten people. He was even recorded doing this and suffered no repercussions. Of course he didn't. In a last ditch effort today when the electoral votes in Georgia were counted a whole gang of Max supporters rushed the white house which forced the police to retreat as these folks made their way inside the white house. One person died as a result. Now I was watching all this happen this morning via a steaming news feed on Youtube and the whole time was asking "Where the hell is the national guard?" It was announced the other day they would be there on the scene because everyone was expecting some shit to go down. Max did his best to fan the flames because he never as usual condemns the actions of his supporters. Yet he wanted the national guard called in on protesters last year. This man also took out a two page ad in the NY times calling for the death penalty when 5 innocent black kids were accused of murder. He also thinks its okay to "grab women by the pussy" It was only after other republicans got on his case today that Max called in the national guard before things could escalate. As a result of what happened today republicans who were originally supporting Max Lords false claims of voter fraud pulled their support. Even Mike Pence which I wasn't expecting. He refused to go against the constitution to try and over turn the results of Bidens win. Max meanwhile is still refusing to concede. This is either because he knows he might go to jail (especially for today) or perhaps he just doesn't wanna let go of his throne. So this whole nightmarish scenario has backfired because now Biden has more support than he did before and powerful Max supporters who were either scared of him or hoping he would help them out in some way have abandoned ship effectively. Still after all that has gone down during these past few months Biden is now officially embraced and accepted as the President. By those of us who are still logical thinking individuals who don't live in Max's deluded covid-free-so-theres-no need-for-masks or-the-vaccine parallel universe. Apparently at least 75 million folks live there and refuse to leave. 

In other news today I made a bold decision. Well several actually. The first is I decided to start working on a novel about a super villain. The second thing is I requested to be moved to day shift. I bid on an open position. I did it because I think it will be good for me. Good for my nerves and even though I have worked nights for many moons change is good. I mean....I can still say no if I get the position but in the meantime I can think about it and make the best decision. You know? "you know who" came back to work today and it was a big deal for me to even be here tonight as I still have strong feelings about what went down months ago. What it put me thru emotionally. I had to take time off work to recover from what was essentially a breakdown of sorts. I have been thinking alot about all the shit I have been thru because of certain folks here at this location and I'm just tired so its time to leave. If quitting isn't really an issue right now I don't wanna throw away what I have build here at this company because of actions of some knuckleheads. Best to transfer or change shifts since that option is available. Or use the next few weeks to decide otherwise depending on how things go. As far as creative stuff goes I still have things on the table. My comic is coming along. I hired someone to handle production on the Sasquatch film once we go back into production. I'm still doing my video game play videos on Instagram plus I may be starting some sort of podcast sometime this month or in Feb. I also gotta start putting things in storage and deciding where I wanna move to later this year. I need to really focus on saving money though which is a big reason why most of my stimulous check and tax returns are gonna go towards "the moving fund". I also am planning to quit sometime this year (Possibly around August). Not sure if I will go to work in security again afterwards but my guard card registration FINALLY came the other day so I have that option if the need arises so yeah bruh got a lot going on in 2021.  

Confessions of a sad superhero book 29

 (To KCRW 11pmish-12amish)

SOMETIMES INSIDE

Sometimes inside 

I cry

I wish the tears would flow outward but

they just stay inside

hanging there 

like fruit that refuses to fall.

I'm crying because of all the fools I've suffered.

I'm crying so much inside these days

Thinking about

all the 

people

animals

family members

who cried out to me in their own ways

because they needed me

but I was so lost inside

so busy fighting to live

fighting my own demons

chasing these dreams

and I admit I gave so many undeserving fools my heart

which they rejected

trampled upon

and ripped it to so much of a shredded mess

I was in a very dark place before I pulled back my heart 

mangled akin to a hand 

that had been outstretched 

to a rabid beast 

ultimately beyond any aid I could give

before they could bite it anymore.

Truth be told

most of the times the signs were there

I just chose to ignore them.

"When a person shows you who they are the first time believe them"

I think I'm tired of forgiving fools and letting them stain my spirit.

Its time I gave my love to my family

to those who have tried so hard to reach out to me

to those I may not even know who desperately need or needed me

God knows I wish I could turn back all the years I've lost

So much "Wasted Energy" Like Alicia Keys said.

The tears I'm crying inside

they threaten to come to the surface

knowing friends and family are getting older

time is slipping away

like a blink

and I need to reclaim what I've lost before its too late.

So many are gone

people and animals

I would probably give anything if I could

just to hug them again one more time.

Anything for a chance to tell them how much I cared

and I can feel some peace because I know somehow they must know

yet I can't let those still here become mere phantoms in my memories

photos in a scrapbook.

I can't be this fool who cries inside anymore.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 28

 

(Exhibit A)

Hello everyone. I just had a nasty run in with S/O XXXXX and wanted to make a record of it while I was clear in my mind. I came in around 9:00pm and I asked S/O XXXXX if there were any pass downs or call offs and XXXXX said no then I went upstairs. I started my patrol and when I came down to check after Admin didn’t reply to my radio check XXXXX said “What the fuck?!?!” and basically went off on me while I was trying to explain to her I didn’t know that her relief wasn’t here and that I wasn’t starting at the desk tonight which was why I didn't come down before. She was very angry and asked me why I wasn’t HERE and just her manner was completely unprofessional as well as disrespectful then she basically stormed out.

(That was how my work night started)

I'm convinced some of these people that work here are out of their damn minds. 

I promised myself if anything else happened that pissed me off I was going to give my notice but instead I called my supervisor. Not just to tell him what happened but also to let him know the other guard (also the same person I had the epic falling out with who is now dealing with health issues) who was to relieve XXXXX hadn't showed up. Dude told me to send an email to our boss so I was just about to send the message above when XXXXX called to apologize. I asked some people for advice and it seems sending the email was not the wrong thing to do but since XXXXX did apologize (which is something I can count on one hand the times that has happened to me) I decided to not go through with sending the email. Somebody told me XXXXX must have somehow felt what was about to happen when she called! Maybe she did. However I realize I gotta stop being so friendly to to folks on the job because they lose seem to lose respect and think they can talk to me however they want and get away with it. I was raised to be respectful yet it appears alot of folks apparently didn't get that memo. Either that or they just have poor people skills. I realize I am often in the company of some genuinely not nice folks and they can often hide this which is making me get to the point where I don't wanna trust anyone. I mean I have my own problems to deal with and I can't be an emotional punching bag. Especially when I am walking on a thin line myself.  My right leg has been bothering me and I have been feeling really strange lately. Like my body is fighting off something weird maybe because of stress thats affected me. I was about to go to the doctor yesterday but decide against it. I don't really have anymore sick time left after all but I keep feeling like if I could get a good chunk of time off it'll do me alot of good. Sleep just feels like sleep. When I'm at home I don't really seem to have the time or energy to really relax. I feel on edge like some great doom is hiding around the corner. My place is a mess and because of everything going on now everyone here in Cali is encouraged to stay home. A buddy wanted to come hang out this weekend but I declined. Just trying to be safe you know? I am pretty sure I've been exposed to something and although I've not really gotten sick and I did get negative Covid results I don't wanna risk becoming a carrier. You know just because your body can fight off something it doesn't mean you can't you know carry something around with you. So again I just wanna be careful. Taking public transportation like I do and seeing all the homeless folks riding the bus you never know what you are in the presence of. Not gonna lie company would have been nice but theres a part of me that sort of has a crush on my buddy. Its nothing that strong but I'm really trying to not feel anything for folks who don't feel anything for me. Recently this type of thing almost cost me my job you know.... Its true often absence can make the heart grow fonder yet over time fortunately crushes simply fade away. I simply do not have the time or energy for foolishness and I can't afford to waste what little mental faculties I have left on "muggles". Seems a rather large part of society falls into the "muggle" category. The other night I was talking with a co-worker who is just so damn negative about everything and seems determined to suck the joy I have for things out of me. It does seem "in" now for folks to be cynical and jaded about things and this know it all attitude and unwillingness to branch out or try new things really irks me. These are qualities I pray that the man of my dream (if he exists) won't have when we meet because it WILL run me away. 

Its really strange to me that I get virtually no play from American dudes but these guys from Africa keep hitting me up online. Some of them are sexy as hell then its all smashed to pieces when they start asking for money. This seems to happen 9 out of 10 times and I'm just not the one. There are alot of these fellas who have made it the thing to do trying to scam American gay men. Especially when they know you are emotionally vulnerable. They try to get into your head and manipulate you. My own family doesn't ask me for money. Well my brother did once. Still I think it takes alot of nerve to just outright say "Send me a phone. Buy that for me and send it to me" Just assuming I'm loaded or something. I'm not and I don't really know anyone who's got it like that or they haven't told me. Thing is many of these guys from Ghana and Nigeria are drop dead gorgeous and I'd definitely date them if they lived closer. I can't do the long distance thing. been there done that and hated it. Also if you send me photos and won't video chat or talk on the phone....I'm sorry....but I'm thinking you have something to hide. Captain Liberia came over here and did really well for himself. In fact he's a tough act to follow. Lately it's dawned on me I could be running away from how I really feel about him....

Donald Trump seems to have failed in his attempt to hijack himself into another term. The Supreme Court basically told him to kick rocks. Him and his cronies wanted to throw out millions of votes. The crazy thing is he got so much support. I was getting worried for a minute. He's got folks believing the election was rigged. Folks chanting "Stop the steal" and showing up at rallies with guns. There are people who will literally believe anything he says. Its as if he cast a spell on their minds. Then there are the republicans who won't stand up to him because they may get in trouble for crazy things they did if he loses or they know Trump will "look out for them" as far as jobs and political power go if he wins. Also he has a habit of firing people at the drop of a dime. Then theres the fact some who oppose him are getting death threats. I've not seen or heard of him even acknowledging this. He doesn't say much about Covid either. So busy raising money to try an overturn the democratic process I guess? They're still working on his wall but thats more money wasted. Illegals can just as easily tunnel underground after all. PS5's are impossible to find because of scalpers and super tech savy individuals who have programs that buy up all available stock as soon as it goes for sale. Trucks are getting robbed and sales clerks and delivery folks are even stealing these consoles. The new Xbox Series X/S consoles are equally sold out everywhere. I am not kidding. I purposely went after what I assumed would be a console nobody wanted but Xbox Series S flew off the shelves. even in Japan which just DOES NOT HAPPEN. You see they really hate the Xbox brand over there. But its such a cute little box that looks like a white speaker....maybe thats why everybody snatched them up. Theres also Xbox game pass. Its a videogame version of Netflix I guess. The Xbox series S has no disc drive so its digital downloads or streaming only. It also does not output in native 4K (I still think Cyberpunk 2077 looks great on it though!) unlike its big brother the Xbox Series X which is $200.00 more at $500.00. The Series X is a super machine that beats the PS5 but most folks honestly won't see a difference except for the case of Sony having more (and better?) exclusives. Exclusives matter alot obviously since the Switch, a vastly underpowered console; sold like hotcakes on the strength of exclusives. Well that and portability. 

From the looks of things next year might be alot like this year in terms of this Covid madness. So tired of these damn masks. They do have a vaccine that seems to work. Right now they are only concentrating on giving it to older folks and medical folks. There seems to be some cases of people getting side effects. Maybe allergic reactions. Nothing serious yet its gonna take awhile to get the vaccine to everyone. They're saying folks in the general public here in the US will get it in March or April. It takes time to make and theres the upcoming cold weather. Also the vaccine has to be at a certain temperature. So theres that. Word from professionals in the medical field is that life should be back to normal in the Fall of 2021. I just got a flu shot recently and I know that flu shots are mandatory at some businesses. I wonder will it be the same for the Covid vaccine? Most people I talk to say they won't take it. They are worried there will be something bad in the vaccine. I don't have a problem taking it. But you can best believe I will do my research before that needle goes in my skin. Right now folks are talking about maybe some other strains of the virus popping up. Yeah I know. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water again right? With all thats going on I'm just gonna be focusing on my projects and saving money as I still wanna move next year. How serious am I? I actually cancelled some of my subscriptions. Not Netflix and the Disney/Hulu package. Amazon and HBO Max got the axe. HBO Max which I only got because I wanna watch "Wonder Woman" come Christmas. I don't think Amazon has enough good programs right now and I won't be ordering anything from them for awhile so I don't need the free shipping. When the Boys season 3 drops I might get them back. HBO got into some mess this week due to Warner Bros deciding to put their entire theater line up for 2021 on the HBO service without giving anyone notice! HBO will be getting Godzilla vs Kong and the JL Snyder cut next year so I may need to resub then. Gotta finish up watching "Love Craft Country" too. Thats a good show. Definitely not used to seeing black folks in a program like that. Speaking of black folks it look like the new Black Panther is coming in 2022. Still can't believe Chadwick is gone and no word at all on if Submariner is coming in BP2. Submariner is one of my favorite comic characters. He's just so damn hot and I like those pointy ears! Sure it makes no sense he can fly with those little ass wings on his ankles but whatever. Just wish Marvel would stop going back and forth on the is he a hero or a villain thing. Also did people forget he's also a mutant because its rarely mentioned unless he teams up with the X-Men. Anyway my anthology comic featuring four stories should be done by Feb (Detector Pig. DragonManx. Gamer Granny. Gerbilla.) then I gotta figure out on selling it and marketing etc. Will likely go the crowdfunding route and hire someone to help with promo and social media. Still not sure if I'll print it or if so how many copies. Meanwhile production is slated to start back on "Sasquatch" in Jan. I should have my producer paid off by then. I've backed some projects by other folks and even invested in some stuff. Way I see it is if I expect folks to invest in me why shouldn't I in turn support things I believe in? Pay it forward or put your money where your mouth is. Its important to give when you can. Its unfortunate that some people only give because they are forced to do it. In my opinion this is probably the biggest thing wrong with the world right now. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 27

 Its been a minute since I wrote here. Just been recovering from that big incident with "that co-worker" which almost cost me my job. I thought he was my friend. Found out I didn't know him and that I really shouldn't trust or try to be friends with co-workers. Well at least not in this particular field anyway. I thought I was in love but now I question how or why I could possibly be in love with someone who doesn't care whether I live or die. Why would I have feelings for or want to help people who have only secretly harbored feelings of destruction for me since day one. I clashed with this guy on the very first night we worked together. Several other conflicts took place later. Theres a saying about when people show you who they are the first time.... I was trying to do the right thing when I went to my boss and not really trying to get anyone in serious trouble. Merely attempting to get results because of certain things going on that were causing problems. Really I was not happy about the taking of breaks and not calling it out on the radio. Expecting me to just know when dude clearly had no clue what time I was taking my breaks. Other stuff got brought into the mix. I think I am transparent to a fault at times yet my intentions were misunderstood. Shit blew up and higher ups got involved. HR got involved. Through it all I kept silent about somethings. He didn't. Certain things were brought up. I was made to look like a fool. I still think higher ups know more about stuff but were just waiting for me to bring it up yet it was never my intent to try and get revenge. Honestly. Having feelings for people can make folks do stupid things and I admit that I should have handled things differently. I should have never told dude I cared but I did and here we are. Anxiety kicked back in and I needed to take precious time off work to get my head clear. Right now things are tense between us. I realize I can never trust him again so I don't talk to him because I feel he betrayed me by showing our bosses an old text I sent him just basically saying I liked him. He likely feels I did the same thing I guess because I went to our bosses about our clashes. Meanwhile someone reported me for bringing a drone on-site and photographed me using a tablet at the desk.... It's hard to not be mad. Thoughts of our arguments make anxiety flare up to where I wake up with my heart pounding and sometimes a nausea grips me. Yeah. Higher ups told me I need to figure out a way to be professional. Consider myself lucky and keep things civil which was something I was actually trying to do although it kinda blew up in my face. As a result things have changed at the job and we are not allowed to use our laptops at the desk anymore. Some co-workers are more distant. (Some have always been distant and weirdly cruel when I've tried to be friendly) Then again things in some other departments are tense because of problems. Folks have told me they are thinking of leaving or changing positions due to inner turmoil with others they work with. Some co-workers have all but vanished for whatever reason and we're short staffed much of the time. Everybody's going thru their own shit. All the time. In this new reality we've been shunted into. Come to work. Do my job. Because I need this job. For the pay and benefits. Keep my head low. Don't do anything to rock the boat and stay motivated by focusing on projects. Collect a check and go home. Control my emotions and don't let them control me. That's the new motto from now on until forever. (Or however long I continue working at the lgbt center)

The world continues to turn. Donald Trump still refuses to concede even though he clearly lost re-election. His followers still believe anything he says which is crazy. Its gotten really dirty out here with folks receiving death threats and people showing up at rallies with guns. The Rona is still causing all kinds of problems because folks are not being safe and businesses are closed or shutting down. California faces a possible full shutdown if things don't get better as these hospitals are filling up. Some places that didn't even have high infections have become hot spots now unfortunately. There is good news however as London has a vaccine they are already staring to distribute. Its said to be 90% effective. It can't come soon enough because alot of people are not really being careful and there was plenty of folks traveling over the turkey holiday. As weird as Halloween and Turkey day were I imagine Christmas will be just as unusual. What with people being encouraged to stay indoors and businesses being closed. Then theres also curfews in effect. Playstation 5s and Xbox series X/S are hard to get due to scalpers using hacking techniques to snatch up all systems when they go on sale then reselling them for crazy prices. Chuck Yeager just died. (He broke the sound barrier 1st) While all this is going on I am still focusing on my comic book project. The artists are churning out outwork constantly and I'm on track to start back filming next year on the Sasquatch webisode when the director I hired (one of my writers!) returns from a trip to India. My brother is slated to help me on some projects too. This is something I have always wanted. Will probably fly him out here in a few months. I've also started being more accessible to family. Obsessing over charities. Investing in other companies involved in movies,comics and cartoons has become a hobby too but I'll talk more about that later. Still planning to put things in storage soon and start finally setting money aside to move next year. A cool potential romantic interest has recently entered the remix tape that has become my life. So as insane as 2020 has been it hasn't all been bad. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride though. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 26

 THE END OF AN ERA....

One door closes and another opens as they say. Last night as the fires burned here in Cali and the President was probably going into treatment for -you know what- one of my bosses came out to try and squash the situation I was having with that co-worker. While we were able to come to some resolution without involving the higher ups and I even reached out to shake his hand, things are still weird between us. But I will get to that later. As it is we don't have to rotate every hour anymore (my suggestion) and I had no idea we can shut off our walkies while in the restroom. Now I do. We take our breaks at some different times now too. Dude knows I take my last break at a quarter till our last hour but for some reason now he wants to take his lunch break at the last half hour. (Like I said before he does copy things that I do or say and I don't really know what to make of that. I have noticed other people do this too and it just makes me think about how other cultures sometimes dislike black people but don't have a problem taking things we create and incorporating them into their lives....) I don't know if it just slipped his mind that I take my break at that time slot or if it was some kind of "reaction" but the whole night we really didn't have much to say to each other even though I did kinda try to conversate. Things are different between us now even though he tried to downplay things and make it look like I am the one with all the issues. It does in fact take two people to argue and its really impossible to argue with someone who is never wrong or willing to lie to win. All the things going wrong in your life and the one person who has consistently gone out of his way to be your friend is the one you so casually throw under the train on a moments whim. Yet I am the crazy person who is always making a big deal out of everything. Are you an evil genius or are you really that clueless about driving good people away from you? I really don't think dude cared whether or not we involved a higher up but I'm not trying to lose my job. I'd rather save up my money and quit graciously thank you. He makes me think of that woman who stole the baby in that bible story and she didn't care when the king was gonna cut the baby in half so that her and the true mother of the child would have a half. Lets be clear....I do not hate the guy. I still think he is mad hot and has all the potential in the world if he would just seize the moment and go for it with his talents but I don't think he will and that is really the main thing that bothers me about him. Still coming from the meeting last night he explicitly put it out there that "I don't know you and we are not friends" I can see I was letting myself think we could have been friends. I tried. (Wasn't trying to have a sexual dream about him!) But if what he said is true then that means he was only acting all this time. I know alot of folks like to keep you at an arms length because of BS thats happened to them in the past but some people do it because they lack real people skills or the ability to be in any true intimate relationships. None of these things are my business as I guess we are only two people who happen to work together. I know I am far from perfect yet nothing I ever did or said to dude warranted his treatment of me. He's got some real issues and I hope he at least continues his therapy otherwise he might live the life of an angry lonely man. I'm actually feeling drained just thinking about last night and some things that were said. Dude seems to honestly believe I am some kind of cold calculating person whose every little action is a move against him and even when I denied this he just looked at me with such hate and disbelief. Maybe someone else behind the scenes is whispering stuff in his ear to make him think such nonsense about someone he should know better than that. The reality is folks will think what they want about you even if its not true. One minute they can be talking to you like you're lifelong buddies and then the next you're cut loose wondering if in the back of their mind if the person feels any remorse for how they behaved towards you. Folks don't always apologize and even when they do sometimes its not genuine. Some folks just live in a world in their head that you cannot reach.  They are so busy trying to hurt you they lose track of what the real issues are. So in effect you are a target. When the target decides not to keep taking it sometimes the other person might retaliate anyway they can because they lost that convenience. Me I am gonna just wash my hands of it. Leave it in the Lords hands like Grandma used to say. It is true sometimes you  have to let people go out of your life. Thats just how it be. I don't have any ill will towards anyone but from now on I'm gonna stick to myself at work and focus on my goals. Keep my eyes on the prize, save up my money and work on my projects. Play my videogames. Read my comics. Learn to REALLY draw and concentrate on surviving the next six months until that day comes when I can give my notice because I really would love to move out of Cali next year. Maybe not permanently but I could certainly use a break from this state. I do have some vacation time coming up soon and even more around Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas too so a few trips home to see family might be just what my nerves need right now.

I decided that next week I'm gonna start putting some of my stuff in storage so I can get this clutter out of my apartment. Right now there is simply too much stuff in here. I figure I'll box up all my old school game systems since I don't have the time or space to play them right now. I'll just keep my three current systems I play often. The Xbox1, My PS4 and my Nintendo Switch. I may keep the Vita arond since its such a versatile handheld. I mean....its something I can listen to music on or watch movies on while on the bus if I don't feel like playing games. I notice most other folks don't use anything bigger than a phone on public transportation and I have heard stories of things getting snatched so.... Apparently smaller objects don't attract alot of attention. Its interesting people still bother to steal electronic devices these days since everything has locks or tracking tech on it. Anyway I might ask Sir Nathan of Delphia to help me clean up this place. Really mostly moving some things out. I think this'll improve my mental state immensely. Sir Nathan is a cute actor who has worked with me on some projects. We used to hang out alot but I kinda got mad at him (and my sister) because I gave them Xbox consoles they just refused to use for whatever reason. Then "The Rona" happened. I haven't seen Sir Nathan since geez....maybe in Feb that last time we filmed something together. I spoke to him about doing a Black Panther fan film as a tribute since Chadwick passed in Late August. Surprisingly the Black Panther costumes are not expensive or hard to come by on Amazon but then again Halloween is coming up and there might be alot of folks wanting to be Black Panther then so perhaps this week I'll go ahead and order one. I already ordered an orange prison type suit because I wanna do something with it although its not quite clear in my head yet. Theres this cute bodybuilder actor guy I wanna give an opportunity to so I'm thinking maybe I can feature him in the fan film as an escaped prisoner or something. Guess I need to start writing down ideas. (Thank God for Grammarly although spellcheck sometimes gets on my nerves) The first issue of Gerbilla is coming along. I just got two more pages but need to send the artist some notes for changes. I figure the first issue will contain two short stories. I'd like to start on Captain Liberia but I've no real script yet to give my kickstarter buddy. (His crowdfunded book should be out soon with Captain Liberia on the cover!) Gotta get back to work on some other written works and filming for Sasquatch as well. As it stands it looks like the cameras will start rolling sometime in November or December at the latest. Just need to set aside the cash and tweak the script some. Also its getting close to the time I need to start reaching out to cast/crew.... No time for rest. No time for tears. No time for the unbelievers. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense. Keep my eyes on the prize and keep the negative energy folks that suck the positive energy the fuck away from me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 25

My unbiased account of what had happened....

So more drama happened. I talked before about Monday. I'd gone up to the kitchen to ask Nick to call out when he took his break because I didn't know he was on break and when he doesn't call it out then I have to guess when to enter it into the log. Which is something that could cause problems if something went down and people look at the log and they will wonder where you are at a certain time if its not in the log. Nick wasn't hearing anything I said at all. He went off on me and we got into a yelling match that left me feeling drained and confused. Like had I done something wrong? At one point during the argument he even went so far as to accuse me of trying to be the ideal co-worker or perfect employee. (I really hope he doesn't deny this stuff tonight when we have a sit down with one of our bosses because he has a tendency to "forget" certain things and he loves to bring up past stuff to throw me off or just deflect) (Does he like to argue (?) because he seems energized afterwards) He says I don't call out when I take my breaks. He also feels I should know what time he takes his breaks even though he couldn't tell me what time I take mine. Honestly when I went home Tuesday morning I was not in a good place and felt the anxiety stirring again. This is something I have had under control for months until Nick took me there. I ended up taking two days to clear my head and was able to ward off a migraine.

I initially felt months back when we got into it over who gets the front desk I should just let him take the desk and I would start with the patrols but this was never discussed and recently I even got into some drama with other guards because I arrive early and don't relieve them early since Nick takes the desk first. So last night after many months I took the desk and the first thing Nick does (of course after making sure no one was around) is go "So you're establishing your dominance" And of course it triggered a reaction even though I already knew what to say. I told Nick that going forward we should not speak to each other unless its work related. He then went on about how we already had a routine and I just told him to go on patrol and do his job. Dude knew he was wrong thats why he started raising his voice to try and intimidate me yelling I always do my job. ALWAYS. And I am not gonna put up with this from you tonight! (He really got loud when another officer walked over and kinda escalated things by laughing instead of asking what was wrong which would have been the right thing to do) Now I don't know whats going on with Nick. I don't know if its lack of rest, money problems or working two jobs but he has become very difficult to work with and I was so upset and sent back into full anxiety mode my boss let me go home because he could hear how upset I was on the phone. My heart is still beating fast and even after taking some sleeping pills I was only able to sleep momentarily. I have been in a strange place myself the past few months. Apprehensive at times. Not really cleaning my place and dealing with so much other stuff. Working on projects and doing things like listening to music, watching movies or videogames help keep me centered but the job itself is stressful. Homeless people outside. Prostitutes outside. Drugged out folks on the property. People fighting. dangerous mentally ill people on the streets you gotta avoid. Insane folks on the buses. Sleeping on the buses and sometimes you can't get a seat because its so much and some are not even wearing masks during this pandemic. Then you gotta go to work and deal with co-workers or staff who treat you a certain kind of way or think they can just push you around and something has got to give. My back hurts. My feet hurt sometimes and I'm running back and forth to the dentist to get work done. I talk to a shrink every Tuesday. I have been doing a pretty decent job of staying centered but I can't be someones emotional dumping ground. I feel that I have been thrust into a situation where I must either quit this job or fight back because I have faced tough times during my 12 years at the LGBT center and there were times I did not think I would last. Sometimes I come to work worrying something crazy is gonna happen to make me lose the job but i have stuck thru it. I am not perfect and will never be "the ideal employee" I am just a man who comes to work everyday so I can pay my bills, struggling to believe in my community even as it often seems on the verge of tearing itself apart. I have tried to be encouraging to Nick. Not just because I like(d) him. I think he has potential and he's wasting it yet its his life and I try also not to judge because not everybody arrives at the train at the same time. I haven't quite arrived yet myself. The thing is I don't ask for much but I do think if I am respecting you and giving you consideration not just as a friend but as a co-worker its not so far fetched that I expect respect and consideration in return. I just can't let people walk all over me and I cannot be in a hostile environment everyday no matter how much I might like my job and all the good the center has done for me over the years. I am open to working things out but I realize things will probably never go back to us being cool again because mostly I am tired of having my trust abused by people I tried to see the greater good in.