My unbiased account of what had happened....
So more drama happened. I talked before about Monday. I'd gone up to the kitchen to ask Nick to call out when he took his break because I didn't know he was on break and when he doesn't call it out then I have to guess when to enter it into the log. Which is something that could cause problems if something went down and people look at the log and they will wonder where you are at a certain time if its not in the log. Nick wasn't hearing anything I said at all. He went off on me and we got into a yelling match that left me feeling drained and confused. Like had I done something wrong? At one point during the argument he even went so far as to accuse me of trying to be the ideal co-worker or perfect employee. (I really hope he doesn't deny this stuff tonight when we have a sit down with one of our bosses because he has a tendency to "forget" certain things and he loves to bring up past stuff to throw me off or just deflect) (Does he like to argue (?) because he seems energized afterwards) He says I don't call out when I take my breaks. He also feels I should know what time he takes his breaks even though he couldn't tell me what time I take mine. Honestly when I went home Tuesday morning I was not in a good place and felt the anxiety stirring again. This is something I have had under control for months until Nick took me there. I ended up taking two days to clear my head and was able to ward off a migraine.
I initially felt months back when we got into it over who gets the front desk I should just let him take the desk and I would start with the patrols but this was never discussed and recently I even got into some drama with other guards because I arrive early and don't relieve them early since Nick takes the desk first. So last night after many months I took the desk and the first thing Nick does (of course after making sure no one was around) is go "So you're establishing your dominance" And of course it triggered a reaction even though I already knew what to say. I told Nick that going forward we should not speak to each other unless its work related. He then went on about how we already had a routine and I just told him to go on patrol and do his job. Dude knew he was wrong thats why he started raising his voice to try and intimidate me yelling I always do my job. ALWAYS. And I am not gonna put up with this from you tonight! (He really got loud when another officer walked over and kinda escalated things by laughing instead of asking what was wrong which would have been the right thing to do) Now I don't know whats going on with Nick. I don't know if its lack of rest, money problems or working two jobs but he has become very difficult to work with and I was so upset and sent back into full anxiety mode my boss let me go home because he could hear how upset I was on the phone. My heart is still beating fast and even after taking some sleeping pills I was only able to sleep momentarily. I have been in a strange place myself the past few months. Apprehensive at times. Not really cleaning my place and dealing with so much other stuff. Working on projects and doing things like listening to music, watching movies or videogames help keep me centered but the job itself is stressful. Homeless people outside. Prostitutes outside. Drugged out folks on the property. People fighting. dangerous mentally ill people on the streets you gotta avoid. Insane folks on the buses. Sleeping on the buses and sometimes you can't get a seat because its so much and some are not even wearing masks during this pandemic. Then you gotta go to work and deal with co-workers or staff who treat you a certain kind of way or think they can just push you around and something has got to give. My back hurts. My feet hurt sometimes and I'm running back and forth to the dentist to get work done. I talk to a shrink every Tuesday. I have been doing a pretty decent job of staying centered but I can't be someones emotional dumping ground. I feel that I have been thrust into a situation where I must either quit this job or fight back because I have faced tough times during my 12 years at the LGBT center and there were times I did not think I would last. Sometimes I come to work worrying something crazy is gonna happen to make me lose the job but i have stuck thru it. I am not perfect and will never be "the ideal employee" I am just a man who comes to work everyday so I can pay my bills, struggling to believe in my community even as it often seems on the verge of tearing itself apart. I have tried to be encouraging to Nick. Not just because I like(d) him. I think he has potential and he's wasting it yet its his life and I try also not to judge because not everybody arrives at the train at the same time. I haven't quite arrived yet myself. The thing is I don't ask for much but I do think if I am respecting you and giving you consideration not just as a friend but as a co-worker its not so far fetched that I expect respect and consideration in return. I just can't let people walk all over me and I cannot be in a hostile environment everyday no matter how much I might like my job and all the good the center has done for me over the years. I am open to working things out but I realize things will probably never go back to us being cool again because mostly I am tired of having my trust abused by people I tried to see the greater good in.
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