Confessions of a sad superhero book 126

The world really is changing. The 7/11 down the street from here (at work now) is closing at 11pm now due to the number of incidents that keep happening at the store. Incidents with people of questionable character. Sometimes homeless. Sometimes mentally ill. Sometimes troublesome prostitutes. Sometimes folks looking to rob the place. This is pretty sad to me because I have been working at this company for almost 17 years and I've witnessed how crazy things have gotten in or around the center. Downright dangerous at times even. Prostitutes, pimps and druggies or drug dealers hanging around with the kids that live here. Yeah it does bother me that the center has to be associated with this element of society. Don't even get me started on all the fights that happen here with the youth and staff who have been assaulted. Folks already have a negative view of the lgbt community. These things don't help and having this place here in this area makes it a hotspot for craziness. In my honest opinion there should be a fence around the building and in a perfect world we'd have several police officers working HERE in the building with us 24/7 along with a crisis counselor individual. Probably a nurse on staff as well. Is it a money thing that we don't have these things? When I look around me and I see all the rich and powerful lgbt people with their expensive clothes, nice cars and big houses none of that makes any sense. Make it make sense. 

I've been thinking hard about quitting here. Really hard. The pay is good and the benefits are off the chain but the level of stress associated with some of the things I  deal with are working my nerves to the point where...well I can feel its taking a toll on me. Its time to go. Been working on my projects so thats a good thing. Been playing the lotto and trying to save money while trying to think where can I go to get away from the madness. When I first came to LA I didn't really understand why people walk away from good paying jobs and move out into the country to live in a little cabin but now I totally get it. In all honesty I don't know that I will ever feel "alright" but it is not good running around all the time in fight or flight mode because your environment won't allow you a moment to relax. Even at home sometimes I come under attack by neighbors. Its not as intense as it used to be but its still there. Almost as if to remind me they are still here and because they are unhappy or unable to move on so be damned if they let me properly heal. (Why not simply focus on living the best life they can with the time they have instead of focusing on me?) People are something else. Everytime I think about my stuff getting stolen here or the asshole who stole my shit in Detroit back in 2018 and all the things I have endured these last three years it is a bit much to take in. It does not escape me that there are people out here dealing with things that would probably keep me awake at night yet these scars on my brain might never completely heal. My nerves are shot to the point it may have given me conditions that prevent me from ever having emotionally satisfying relationships with anyone. Am I really not relationship material or did I just "become" from messing with fucked up individuals until the camels back broke? Its a question I'm asking a lot these days. 

Been doing some research and it seems I have a rare(?) condition. Luckily after poking around I found others online in forums talking about this shit. The condition is where you unconsciously or uncontrollably watch others with peripheral vision. I honestly don't know what the hell this shit is or why it happens but its something I've struggled with since I was a youngin. Sometimes I wish I could wear those blinders like horses or funky glasses like Spiderman because it feels like I am processing information around me too much and too fast to properly focus and that is why I struggle to relax around others. I mean folks can feel it and it makes them uncomfortable. I've noticed some things though like if I am playing a really intense game and someone is near it gets harder for me to focus on what I'm doing because maybe I am hyper focused on EVERYTHING. Years ago when I went to apply for a job I remember a question on the application asked me to describe everthing happening in the room around me and I did describe EVERYTHING down to a tee. I did. No exaggeration here and I never heard back from the company because I figured I scared them? In hindsight now I realize this "superpower" like any other can be problematic without control. So how then do I control it? Funky Spiderman glasses? Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to do nothing because its something you've had to deal with for so long it is "the new normal" or a readily available or practical solution isn't forthcoming. 

Sony got hacked the other day. Ransomware they call it I guess. Not sure if they paid but its not in the news anymore and the CEO for PlayStation announced his retirement after 30 years. Coincidence? Was there something damning in those 6000 files? Also, some former Ubisoft execs got arrested for sexual harassment allegations. A few years ago someone at Activision got in trouble for that. Its so crazy when I think about that. People working for a videogame company getting in trouble for sexual shit. Then again there's an unhealthy amount of toxic behavior in this community. Has been for years. Thats why Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo and other companies have had to invest so much in programs to protect online gamers from harassment or cheaters. What a mess we've made of things eh?

The Sasquatch animated short is moving along as well as my comic book projects and the soft reboot of my SonsofLegend webseries. There was an actor I really wanted to work with but he ghosted me and stopped returning my phone calls so I had to replace him. There was a cool actor who had responded to an earlier ad I'd placed on Craigslist for a voice actor. I liked how he looked and presented himself. A humble, educated and accomplished actor with plenty of talent can bring alot to a project. He'd be playing the role of Karter who is the son of Devin (The nephillim main character of SOL) Damon who plays "Devin" has been with me since my very first SOL project which was a teaser! He was more than happy to come back to reprise his role. The script for SonofLegend is done but it dawned on me I need to go back to make some key changes to make the story center more on Devin as he struggles to launch his unique reality tv show that trains wannabe superheroes. In the past for some reason this aspect of the concept was glossed over. Also, I don't wanna have so many characters running around because it bogs the story down. Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood (my replacement for the property I lost ownership of Daughters Of Legend) was to be the relaunch of my SonsOfLegend universe yet I decided I'll go the route of relaunching SOL first and then bring in "The Squatch" afterwards. The cartoon will be my first SOL related project to launch though unless it takes longer to put together than the first episode of SOL. The first SOL episode could be pilot I suppose but I dunno. The length isn't something I have decided yet. If its to actually be considered a real short film with meat on its bones I think at least 15 minutes is ideal. I think I can set up a good story while introducing the concept and getting folks intriqued about what will happen next in 15 minutes. Considering the attention span of many these days you really don't wanna go longer than that. 15 minutes can fit on Youtube, Instagram and Facebook and an edited version can run on TikTok. Twitter can have the trailer. As was my plan from the VERY beginning of all this I wanna do a few episodes of four webseries...SonsofLegend,Sasquatch and The Mythology Sisterhood,Sins Of Legend and DragonManx then bring everything together in a full length film. That was my plan but it was derailed because my investor at the time and other parties who agreed with him didn't share or understand my vision. I spoke with a director yesterday who has equipment and he seemed interested enough in the SOL concept to ask for the script. I really hope he takes the job so we can get this ball rolling as I have been away from filmmaking for too long. I realize this is something dear to me. It just makes me feel more alive doing this shit you know? Thinking about relationships and the troubles of the world fall to the wayside when I can see a film project coming together.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 125

 So I guess this is the new normal...people urinating on the property here and getting verbally assaulted by people (those who live here and otherwise) also theres the matter of tension with folks who work with me or in other departments. Its not wonder my nerves are shot and I have such a hard time relaxing. Some random nutcase outside started yelling at me as I walked to the entrance to a stairwell to start my break. It was loud and embarrasing and I think this same individual tried to punk me a few weeks ago. So instead of going on my way I simply stopped smiling and said I'm still here. They walked away though. Meanwhile the folks gathered said nothing but looked on in amusement. Well one person said "We live here" I asked "Who was that?" No response. Time for me to get out of here. In other news "The artist formerly known as Mr. Grey eyes" broke off things between us earlier. Maybe he somehow sensed it was coming because we didn't talk the other day. I have really been dreading having "the talk" and now its all done. Nothing left to do but move on. It was for the best and as much as I liked him the truth is we were not compatible. Perhaps I'm not compatible with anyone on this planet. I'm starting to wonder. Still theres so much I have to do. Maybe in this life I just don't have time for relationships or dating anymore.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 124

 Its been a crazy week so far but things have calmed down in a most surprising way. Particularly with the co-worker I was not getting along with. We actually got into it the other night but tonight it was as if he were a different peson. Dude offered me pizza last night and I guess pizza is one of my weaknesses. Even if it had ham on it. (I'm only eating mostly seafood and veggie or fruit things these days) He insisted I take 3 slices so I ate one and I'm bringing the other two slices home for maybe dinner today. I actually eat dinner when I get home nowadays. So last night was a cool night. No fighting or crazy folks hanging around causing trouble. The other night is a different story. There was a fight and then some guy was trying to taser people and another dude was throwing water on him from a water bottle. I watched the whole surreal ordeal unfold on the video cameras. Its something the stuff we witness here. I am still talking with my friend from Botswana. Formerly Mr. Grey Eyes. He shut me down about the nickname because he said it was something that caused him discomfort. But that was just me being affectionate in my own way. Thing is in all honesty the flame has kinda gone out for me anyway and we will have that "I think we need to just be friends" talk soon. Maybe today. We have nice conversations and all but there is no romance. I think because he was single for 10 years that part of him is just submerged in some way. Its nice havig someone to talk to daily who actually notices and appreciates you but I just don't have those feelings and I do feel bad about having to let him down you know? Meanwhile Captain Liberia still calls me and says I just dropped him because he is seeing this woman even though they rarely meet up and she lives out of state. There was a time I was really quite smitten with Jon but like 99% of the time it felt one-sided and after really thinking back on all those time we had together I realize it WAS one-sided. Tired of giving energy to people I have to pursue. I can't even really recall a time someone I thought was the shit paid that kind of attention to me. Really messes with your self esteem let me tell you. Makes you start to doubt your self worth and then folks see it and it really makes them not wanna be with you. Its a crazy cycle. Mr. Ninja and i have not spoken in months now. Sometimes I see him on my way out and we sort of acknowledge each other yet never speak and its weird we are acting as if we don't know each other. My guess is who ever he's giving it to on a regular basis is very important so the proper way he deals is to pretend I don't exist. Good for him I guess. The whole situation is so strange and I don't even know how to feel to be truthful. I never did anything wrong other than really care for dude yet I can take some comfort in the observation we were never compatible. There was some sexual attraction then...well I suppose it fizzled. Hard for me to maintain focus when one gets the idea they are not wanted. So its true you can get over anything in time and the heart can heal but it does take awhile. Life must go on. Theres a part of me that would like the concept of being in a relationship yet at this stage in my life its something I could do without if it just never happened again you know? I'm more invested in my comic book projects these days. There are a few film projects in production and the animated short is moving along. Outside of these passions as well as family and friends everything else seems like a distraction. 

Speaking of my projects I was trying to rent a room hare at work to do a rehearsal next week for the SonsofLegend promo short I'm filming before this year is out. But the staff hasn't responded since I sent a message yesterday. They changed the whole process of requesting a space so I'm not even sure they saw my request form you have to fill out online. Meanwhile the anthology comic Argo is doing which features my "DragonManx" character is about to have its Kickstarter campaign launched soon. Nerds With Badges may be getting at long last a new episode sooner than later. Was gonna order some new shirts to give my guests. That can get expensive but some folks have asked for the shirts. Maybe I should look into getting some NWB apparel made on a grander scale? Something for thought. The Sasquatch cartoon is getting its own comic book rendition and at the rate the artist works it will be done in a few more months. Its only gonna cost me like $80.00 a page. Sounds cheap but when you consider all the other things I'm pouring money into. Investments. Rent. Food. (Uber/LYFT!) Streaming apps and games or comics...well its that time for me to cut back especially since I have to start looking into storage space plus I gotta get a root canal and glasses. If I take too much time to dwell on all this shit the complexities of my life can seem overwhelming. Thank the gods I have outlets.🥲

Confessions of a sad superhero book 123

-To Indiana Jones's new soundtrack via Spotify-

I took a few sick days off work mainly because I have been more stressed out than usual and health-wise wise I noticed a few things that have alarmed me. I have lost weight and over the past few days I was feeling some kind of heartburn-type sensation and an over all impression as if my body was fighting off something. Thankfully I've managed to keep busy creatively so this definitely helps lift my spirits from that cloud of funkiness thats been floating around over me these last few months. It has been really rough to climb out of this dark space let me tell you. And as skittish as I am about dating now (since Mr. Ninja who turned out to be a colossal mistake and I had to accept "The good Captain" has his eyes set on a woman who he's likely been seeing since the time he was in LA) Mr. Grey Eyes has managed to become a consistent fixture of my life. Mr. Grey Eyes is a cool individual I connected with via a dating app. He's originally from Botswana and he's a father of two who is very successful/accomplished in his professional life. We do have nice conversations and I think he's cute as well as masculine that delightful island fashion which is VERY different from how most black men from the US behave. I guess to describe it would be a manner of masculinity almost boyish but certainly not womanly which is a trait many of the guys from here seem to adopt as "gay" behavior. I'm just not into men who act like women. No harm no foul. I understand why this occurs and I get its a part of the culture but its not entirely representative of all of our culture. But getting back to stress I realize I have to be very careful about letting a dude into my life and now might not be the ideal time to do it. But when is the ideal time? Its definitely nice having a man in your life who bothers to call you daily and who makes plans to spend vacation time with you. Its great to feel valued and...well its not hard not to wanna go back to being treated like trash when you have someone in your life who appreciates your energy. I'm dreaming frequently nowadays which means at least my mind is on the mend. Things are starting to get busy with the creative stuff. The cartoon is coming along. My comic projects are nearing the finish line and production is about to start on my new relaunch of "Sins Of Legend" as a webseries. Also I am putting in more time checking in on family because I realize the time I have with these people well its valuable and something to be treasured for all the obvious reasons. My stepmom is dealing with some illnesses and all my parents are getting on up in the years. Time is just flying by and I can't keep staying away because I've not lived up to ceratin expectations of self. You know I wanted to one day be able to provide more for all of them. Sometimes it hurts knowing I can't but it was never something they asked for. Sometimes we just put undue stress on ourselves trying to live up to an ideal we think others want of us. Sometimes we can get so caught up on what could be or some other nonsense we overlook what we do have right in front of us all the time. Sometimes a powerful sadness grips me when I think of how much time I have wasted and I wish I could go back to do some things differently. I wish I hadn't pushed some folks clear out of my life. I'm not sure if I can go back but what I do know is I have time now to work on these things. I guess all we really can do is do the best we can with what we have. Living in the now is indeed very important in life.

The last few weeks at work have been pretty crazy. After repeatedly clashing with a co-worker I lost some privileges. No laptop at the desk anymore. I gotta come right back after breaks and I gotta be careful about eating at the desk even though I never make a mess. Its crazy that I got in trouble because someone else was doing things they were not supposed to and I ended up getting punished when I ultimately had no choice but to go to the higher ups for help whenb it became a bully type situation. Just more reinforcement they don't really care and I need to focus on getting out of here. A staff member told me (when I asked her how she deals with a difficult co-worker) that this is something we all have to deal with and just keep in mind I am not going to be here forever. Some other folks are but NOT me. Still I am looking at possibly going to work for another security company sooner than later because I miss having the freedom to work on creative projects at work.

-To Be Continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 122

A hurricane is coming and I just survived one.

I have been through alot in the past few years. Alot in this past year alone. My mind has been cluttered and certainly overwhelmed. I realize everyone has issues and some others out there are going through things truly unimaginable to many of us but some things I experienced recently were devastating to my mind body and psyche. To say I went to a dark place is no understatement. I probably suffered at least several mental breakdowns in 2024 (that no one seemed to notice!) but I'm back on track now. Everything feels renewed and I'm all back dedicated and shit with the understanding I gotta leave some things behind to chase this dream of mine. To help me clean up after the proverbial storm and regain focus I did something I've been thinking about for months now. I put together a list of things...a schedule to carry me through March of 2024. An anchor really. Anyway, here it go.

SCHEDULE OF PROJECTS

<2023-2024>

 

2023

 

AUGUST

August 27^th (Nerds With Badges Interview)

August 28^th (Sins Rehearsal/Meeting)

 

SEPTEMBER

September 3^rd

(Long Beach Nerds With Badges Comic Con)

September 10^th

Nerds With Badges (Filming episode -PS4/iPod Repair-)

September 24^th

Sins Of Legend Teaser (Rehearsal)

 

OCTOBER

October 8^th

(Sins Of Legend Filming)

 

NOVEMBER

November 5^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

DECEMBER

December 3^rd

(Nerds With Badges Los Angeles Comic Con)

 

December 17^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

 

2024

 

JANUARY

Jan 7^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

FEBRUARY

Feb 4^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

MARCH

March 3^rd

(Nerds With Badges)

???

Confessions of a sad superhero book 121

 From yesterday while in Long Beach....

I’m still on vacation. Truthfully my spirit needed this. Took my annual little train ride to Long Beach today. Just wanted to sit out by the water for awhile. Try to clear out some of the clutter in my brain. I have so much on my mind and by the time I got on the train I could feel my body tensing up. Like I have been sleeping uncomfortably for some time now and so often my neck is stiff or sore. Today it was really flaring up and I felt overwhelmed by emotions as this very attractive brother came to sit across from me. He was dark and muscular with a black and white (or was it blue and white?) striped short sleeved shirt. I wanted to look over in his direction but I just focused on reading an X-Men comic via the kindle app on my little Samsung tablet. There were some other attractive fellas on the train. Surprisingly there were not a lot of folks on the train and it was even more sparsely populated on the marina where I’m currently sitting. Its kinda hot out here but its fine as long as you are not sitting directly in the sun. Microsoft windows locked me out of word at first so I wasn’t able to type anything until I found a free wi-fi signal. (I really gotta get me a hotspot) I really planned to come out here to work on a schedule for my projects this year. I might do that later if I can find a Denny’s around here because since my Birthday was yesterday I get a free meal. The free meal is usually something I do every year but yesterday when I went to Denny’s with Sir Nathan I had the horror of finding out you gotta reserve online now via an app.

 I have been talking a lot with my friend in Texas. He’s a ranch owner from Botswana. We have good conversations and I am finding “that Jamaican person” to be ever so gradually fading from my thoughts because that is what happens when you connect with a cool person willing to invest in possibly having a future with you as opposed to someone who basically pretends you don’t exist. Its nice being able to notice other attractive guys that might like you do in fact actually exist. I saw quite a few today. I walked past a couple on my way to the Marina and the lady laughingly goes “Protect ya neck!” She was giving me props on my bootlet Wutang shirt that I ordered off Amazon a few months back because I had ended up getting hooked on the excellent Hulu series. Anyway that made me laugh and you know this was a reminder that no matter what Long Beach will always feel like home to me. Maybe oneday I’ll move back here.

I find myself thinking a lot about quitting the lgbt center. Especially since my stuff was stolen. It just doesn’t feel the same working there now. When you add up all the crazy stuff that’s going on with clients and people of questionable character hanging around plus all the potential security risks I get stressed out simply thinking of going back there. (Damn is this sun making my laptop HOT!) honestly I did think about doing some job hunting with this extra time I have to myself. Guess I could. Wouldn’t hurt. (The Queen Mary ship nearby just blew her horn so I’m thinking that might be my que to split. Its weird but I have noticed the police watching me since I came here today. I only started experiencing this over the last few years and I don’t really dwell on it. I’m simply aware. A black soldier recently fled to Korea he says to get away from the crazy racist shit that happens here. I totally understand how he feels. Damn this seafood smells really good blowing around from these restaurants on the marina. I’m really tempted to go get some shrimp. Then again I can use doordash for that later since they gave me credit for screwing up my order yesterday. Doordash and Uber Eats have dropped the ball several times with my food recently. I need to stop spending money on these services. Well I’m about to end this but next week I’m planning to start rehearsals for my new Sins short and things are moving along with my comics and the animation so despite all the chaos of life I’ve still remained productive… 

Update: On my way home a cool chick with a facial disfigurement gave me strawberry Jarittos soda because she didn't have a can opener. I ended up going to Chipotle for a chicken bowl also.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 120

 Delayed response and other strange happenings. 

Part 1

I got a surprise the other day when Mr. Ninja called me up out of the blue. It was a cool conversation I guess. We talked about things in general going on at work and it was different talking to him this time because all I kept thinking was how to end the conversation and get off the phone. Meanwhile, he kept asking me if I was working that night even after I'd already told him a couple of times during our conversation. I gotta figure out a healthy way to deal with this. Dude came by my place and I think when he saw the clutter it just changed the dynamic. I still believe asking him to come up that first time was a mistake even though things kinda got hot and heavy. Perhaps my mistake was not taking him up on his offer to help me clean up? Perhaps I was so embarrassed thats the reason I didn't let him help me? Its ironic because my apartment is due for inspection next week so I HAVE to unclutter the place. Could use the help but right now its so hot and they say this weekend will be a really HOT one. Then again will it be too much temptation you know...us being in the same space alone and all? I did tell him we are just friends going forward but friends do hang out together from time to time I guess. But when you are trying to get over someone...well sometimes it takes a while for the lust to go away. Maybe in some cases it never really goes away. I suppose then it simply lies dormant. Its the craziest thing  having a powerful attraction for someone and you really don't want to be because you know the other person will never feel the same way. Maybe sometimes some people do eventually come around though because a few people from my past have hit me up recently. My theory is once folks have a taste of reality they come to understand they really should have given some of us a chance because all this time ya'll coulda been in a healthy relationship.

Part 2 

8.11.2023

So I'm really starting to think I've been hacked because most of my electronic stuff has been acting kinda funky but I honestly mostly don't care as weird as that sounds. I'm pretty sure someone has hacked my instagram because I'm always noticing things that i supposedly clicked on with likes yet these are things I have not clicked on so I've said it before and I'll say it again....some people just have too much extra time on their hands. But...whatever. I just had to pay my animator a grip of moolah plus a couple of artists for doing comic related work then I ordered a few things I needed from Lowes. The inspection on my apartment was done yesterday. I did a pretty decent clean up before the guy came through. I guess I did okay because he didn't take any photos and despite the clutter its organized and its actually rare for me to see a roach in my place these days because I use so many different types of poisons along with plenty of roach preventive measures. Trash with food goes in plastic airtight bags. This is usually promptly thrown in the trash chute in the hallway. Sometimes I spray the chute or toss a few pesticides down it as well. Better to overdo things when it comes to these pests. I may have Sir Nathan come over at some point sooner than later to help me remove my bed. Meanwhile I assembled a shoe rack the other day ordered from Amazon. Where else? And...tonight at work was particularly tough as my eyes were so tired due to disturbed sleep from that damn inspection...

My vacation is coming up but its unlikely I will go anywhere. Might go to Long Beach to sit out by the water for awhile but thats about it. Was considering going to visit my mother and even though Florida tickets are cheap now (I wonder why) I can wait till Oct. Especially since I already have so many other financial obligations. Still need to get that root canal done. Maybe in Oct me and my friend in Texas who I've been talking with might meet up in Vegas. I'm still skittish on dating but I'm trying to remain open to it. Someone from my past has been reaching out since we came across each other on the dating app (which I have tried to cancel my membership yet Match.com makes this very difficult to actually pull off!) Mr. Ninja remains someone I have chosen to avoid because I realize it was a big mistake getting involved with him. Maybe in the future a friendship will be possible but I can't risk that right now because although most of my romantic feelings for him are gone theres still the attraction factor. It hasn't completely faded. Yet. Out of sight out of mind does wonders for resistance though! In other news it appears the FTC is doing yet another appeal to block the Microsoft/Activision/Blizzard acquisition. My God, I am so tired of these people. Yep, I am rooting for Microsoft because I'd like to see them back on top again like they were when the 360 was hot.