-To Indiana Jones's new soundtrack via Spotify-
I took a few sick days off work mainly because I have been more stressed out than usual and health-wise wise I noticed a few things that have alarmed me. I have lost weight and over the past few days I was feeling some kind of heartburn-type sensation and an over all impression as if my body was fighting off something. Thankfully I've managed to keep busy creatively so this definitely helps lift my spirits from that cloud of funkiness thats been floating around over me these last few months. It has been really rough to climb out of this dark space let me tell you. And as skittish as I am about dating now (since Mr. Ninja who turned out to be a colossal mistake and I had to accept "The good Captain" has his eyes set on a woman who he's likely been seeing since the time he was in LA) Mr. Grey Eyes has managed to become a consistent fixture of my life. Mr. Grey Eyes is a cool individual I connected with via a dating app. He's originally from Botswana and he's a father of two who is very successful/accomplished in his professional life. We do have nice conversations and I think he's cute as well as masculine that delightful island fashion which is VERY different from how most black men from the US behave. I guess to describe it would be a manner of masculinity almost boyish but certainly not womanly which is a trait many of the guys from here seem to adopt as "gay" behavior. I'm just not into men who act like women. No harm no foul. I understand why this occurs and I get its a part of the culture but its not entirely representative of all of our culture. But getting back to stress I realize I have to be very careful about letting a dude into my life and now might not be the ideal time to do it. But when is the ideal time? Its definitely nice having a man in your life who bothers to call you daily and who makes plans to spend vacation time with you. Its great to feel valued and...well its not hard not to wanna go back to being treated like trash when you have someone in your life who appreciates your energy. I'm dreaming frequently nowadays which means at least my mind is on the mend. Things are starting to get busy with the creative stuff. The cartoon is coming along. My comic projects are nearing the finish line and production is about to start on my new relaunch of "Sins Of Legend" as a webseries. Also I am putting in more time checking in on family because I realize the time I have with these people well its valuable and something to be treasured for all the obvious reasons. My stepmom is dealing with some illnesses and all my parents are getting on up in the years. Time is just flying by and I can't keep staying away because I've not lived up to ceratin expectations of self. You know I wanted to one day be able to provide more for all of them. Sometimes it hurts knowing I can't but it was never something they asked for. Sometimes we just put undue stress on ourselves trying to live up to an ideal we think others want of us. Sometimes we can get so caught up on what could be or some other nonsense we overlook what we do have right in front of us all the time. Sometimes a powerful sadness grips me when I think of how much time I have wasted and I wish I could go back to do some things differently. I wish I hadn't pushed some folks clear out of my life. I'm not sure if I can go back but what I do know is I have time now to work on these things. I guess all we really can do is do the best we can with what we have. Living in the now is indeed very important in life.
The last few weeks at work have been pretty crazy. After repeatedly clashing with a co-worker I lost some privileges. No laptop at the desk anymore. I gotta come right back after breaks and I gotta be careful about eating at the desk even though I never make a mess. Its crazy that I got in trouble because someone else was doing things they were not supposed to and I ended up getting punished when I ultimately had no choice but to go to the higher ups for help whenb it became a bully type situation. Just more reinforcement they don't really care and I need to focus on getting out of here. A staff member told me (when I asked her how she deals with a difficult co-worker) that this is something we all have to deal with and just keep in mind I am not going to be here forever. Some other folks are but NOT me. Still I am looking at possibly going to work for another security company sooner than later because I miss having the freedom to work on creative projects at work.
-To Be Continued-
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