Confessions of a sad superhero book 104

So I went to the dentist yesterday all ready for the root canal and one again they cancelled. Last time it was because the dentist had a family emergency at the last minute. This time it was because my condition is complex so they are sending me to a dentist in Huntington Park. So instead of just calling and telling me this I had to take a LYFT all the way over there to find out. Now because of this I have to spend the next few days (some of which is vacation time) still dealing with this issue. 

The other guard who I worked with who may have been away from the desk when the dude stole my stuff (unless he was somehow able to enter from a window in another dept) worked his last day here Tuesday and it was a bittersweet situation. I say that because I do like dude but he is a bit too laidback at times and it worried me that this could cause some issues. Anyway we talked and he gave me a hug and shocked me by giving me one of his handheld consoles he doesn't really use anymore. Its a cool little emulating device and he has put a bunch of games on it. I guess he does feel bad about my stuff. I am hoping the cops can recover my items but I realize its a slim chance. Someone said I should do a go fund me but I have a hard time believing people are just gonna give me money. Crowdfunding hasn't worked for me in the past so I don't have much faith in it. Ironically I will be launching a crowdfunding campaign for my Sasquatch film later this year. Meanwhile a Kickstarter campaign is also launching this year for the comic anthology which features a collection of comic book writers/artists. In other project related news I may do an episode of Nerds With Badges around Memorial Day at the end of this month. I wish I had a co-host because I would be less nervous having to interview folks. I do actually have a couple of guys I'd love to feature as guests. One is a cool LYFT driver and the second is a comic book creator met at LA Comic Con some months ago. Its too bad I had a falling out with my last co-host. Speaking of former co-hosts dude who I used to hang out with alot who went to Universal with me on New Years Day has been reaching out to me recently via texts as if nothing happened between us that day. Forgiveness is something I struggle with and I do feel at times I give folks too many chances. None of us are perfect and it is important to be able to move past the past yet when you keep letting folks slide for being nasty towards you its almost as if you are telling them to go ahead with being disrespectful towards you. On the other hand "he" is featured prominently in my film so theres that. Really don't want to replace him but sooner than later we are gonna need to have what will likely be an uncomfortable conversation.

Mr. Ninja continues to confuse me because while I assume he "just isn't into me" dude will out of the blue send me a text saying he is looking forward to seeing me on the weekend. To me this is shocking and I'm not going to put much into it. Part of me is wondering maybe we should never "go there" because it makes no sense catching feelings when you know the other person will not be riding that train with you. Its always in my mind what Tyler Perry said about believing people when they show you who they are. If I go down that road knowing there is probably no chance in hell you're gonna like me equally and you're pretty much guaranteed to break my heart (again?) well when things turn out badly I can only blame myself. So yeah I do feel like I'm walking a proverbial tightrope here. Safest thing would be to keep things on a friendship level. That would be the smart thing to do. 

The week is almost over. Just have to survive ONE more day then I'm on vacation. I'm thinking of maybe calling in tonight sick because I have been feeling weird the last week or so. Truthfully I've not been the same since the heartbreak I went thru like maybe two months ago dealing with the emotional fallout of a certain persons rejection. No kidding; it broke me and I got sick not just physically but mentally. My heartbeat has been weird at times. My sleep patterns changed too. It's akin to having a fog around you that hasn't quite faded. Truthfully it was like going thru a dark tunnel then finally eventually emerging form the other side into the light. So that is to say I'm coming back to myself but something feels "off" or broken. Hard to really pinpoint it but I've been sleeping all day and going to sleep after work much later than I used to before. So you can see why I'm pretty apathetic and worried about trying to feel anything for anyone knowing what it could do to me. Getting another Steam Deck pretty soon so just that thought helped bring me back from the stink of last Wednesday. I'm planning to replace my laptop soon as well. Someone just came to talk to me and this person had a falling out with me awhile back but I guess we cool now. She told me about having $300.00 stolen from her locker awhile back. (Others have complained about having lunch taken from the fridge) She said I should ask the company to compensate me but its not likely they will do THAT. She also said something else that resonated. Whoever took my stuff may have been trying to send me a message. Someone might have even sent them to do it as crazy as that sounds because they knew exactly where to go and why didn't they go into the other departments to steal things? Could I have a nemesis hiding in the shadows plotting my downfall? Am I that important to someone? Twisted shit. That possibility. Its also possible that whoever is taking stuff could be climbing into our dept from a window to another part of the building! Trying not to think too much about all this and was considering going out of town because I need to break out like that song by Swing Out Sister. I gotta get away like Earth Wind And Fire. Will probably clean up over the next few days. Already did the laundry and made up my bed. That was a big deal to me. Small steps when one is coming out of depression are really giant leaps. I feel the urge to do something special with the next few days off yet can't quite decide whether or not this should be a solo adventure you know? Company is nice but that company might pose a potential threat. You know what I mean. Plus it would sorta be like bringing work home in a way no? It really would have been nice to go to Detroit this weekend for their Comic Con. Next year... 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 103

(Listening to Classic Rock on Iheart Radio)

 I think my laptop and Steam Deck thief may know me. Its crazy and maybe a bit paranoid but as I was speaking with one of the other guards about what happened with my belongings a tall white male saw us thru the window from across the street as I noticed him pacing back and forth. He locked eyes with me and then stopped to stare. It was weird and I'm not sure what the hell is going on here...

Sunday was eventful. I called Mommy to see if she got the "Momzilla" shirt I sent her, and got chewed out about not having insurance on my stolen goods. After recovering from that Mothers day tongue lashing I treated Mr. Ninja to Universal Studios because I really wanted to check out the Nintendo attraction for Mario Kart. Unfortunately that didn't happen. We stood in line for two hours then come to find out the stupid ride had broke down. My back and feet were aching and I wrote a pretty pissed off explanation of what happened in a survey that came in my email later. That was cathartic but I wasn't expecting to get an invite to maybe check out some new secret rides and give my two cents about them. On top of the Mario Kart biz someone stole more of my Amazon stuff again so its back to strictly ordering things and having them sent to the workplace as its not safe to have delivereies at home. (Who the FUCK is doing this??? What the hell is wrong with people taking my shit? Damn!) It was a green jogging outfit I'd planned to wear to Universal that got taken. Also some sneakers i ordered were the wrong size so I had to get a refund. Another thing that upset me was this rude guy who wouldn't let me and Mr. Ninja sit together on a ride. I understand that I need to be much more aggressive in my life with people because yeah I am not the one and I'm tired of folks looking at me and thinking "Oh he looks so happy and easy going Ima just walk all over him" Then when you snap people be like Damn Sergio why you do THAT?!? You can't let these mother fuckers get to you man knowing full well they woulda acted the fool too if somebody pushed them too far. 

So me and Mr. Ninja had a decent time. He did upset me at one point and he was acting a bit weird at times like he practically jumped off one ride because he thought it was gonna go sideways and I had to ride alone because it was too late for me to get off then we got into a little tiff because he grew agitated when we were talking about dinosaurs after the Jurassic Park water ride. I kid you not when I say I think he does not believe the earth is millions of years old and even when I showed him a google newsfeed he abruptly cut me off so there may be some religious issues regarding his views. When I suggested that he seemed to get pissed and I wasn't talking to him for a good while as we stood in the Mario Kart line. After awhile things kinda got back to normal. We ate at an expensive food joint and he bought some $8.00 bottled water at one point. (I can't believe they can get away with charging that much) We did go on a few rides but since Mr. Ninja has motion sickness we couldn't do the heavy stuff. Everything was cool till we got on the train to get back home (We took a shuttle down hill first) On the train ride I kid you not dude wouldn't sit next to me and he just stood up facing away from me the whole time. I thought that was bizarre but from my observation some people when they have been single for awhile don't really seem to know how to really engage you when you go out in public. Also some folks are DL. To me its like you're giving me this body language to remind me you're really not that into me. He fist bumped me and got off at his stop. I would later discover that was a mistake as his bus route was under construction which caused him to wait a looooooong time to get home via an alternate route. Still by the time I got off the train tired as I was and feeling sticky from the days heat and activities it was heavy on my mind to keep my distance from this guy for awhile. Figured the writing was definitely on that wall. I allowed myself to pleasure myself (its been weeks) later as I thought about Captain Liberia who although emotionally distant I can at least expect him to call to check up on me at least once a month. I mean that means he cares to some degree right? But yesterday as I was on the phone with Amazon getting my refund Mr. Ninja out of the blue called requesting I send him some of the photos I took of him. Photos no one else will see of course. (He can be quite photogenic but he denies it) Well I think he's gonna let his mother see them We have not taken any photos together and that is not likely to happen so I just don't ask. Its funny though as I was resisting the urge to call him and or text him with the photos but he surprised me by calling. We talked for a good while actually then out of the blue he asked me when can we finish what we started at my place over a month ago. We had sorta messed around but didn't go all the way. Dudes passion and sex appeal almost overwhelmed my senses. Its that powerful Jamaican mojo I guess because I never stopped thinking about that after THAT. I'm on vacation later this week after my root canal surgery so I might just rent a room or something and spend some more time with dude. God knows it will be nice to feel the warmth of an attractive man after years of being without. Thing is I am worried  imight lose my ability to be objective if we take it THAT far...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 102

 Still reeling from the shocking theft of my Asus laptop and my beloved Steam Deck. Its crazy to think you work so hard to have the things in life that make you happy and theres some clown out there just waiting to try and take it from you. Maybe it has something to do with maturity or something but lately when bad things happen I just look around and see things to remind me my life is actually wonderful in so many ways. Things going on in the world. Other things...terrible things others are having to deal with. You know what they say...things could always be or could have been worse. Also no matter how bad things sem in your life someone else has it worse. Its not exactly hard to notice this if one opens their eyes. Someone at work confided in me earlier when I was feeling kinda down over my stolen stuff and also trying to process how cruel and non caring one of my supervisors reacted when I mentioned the theft. This person confided in me that they literally lost everything after a nasty business related venture. This person reminded me that I need to be grateful for what I have and just bask in the knowledge I can easily replace those items. Its pretty hard to replace a lost once lavish lifestyle...

It is really strange how no one else even seemed to know what happened but at least my big boss sent me an email saying she would see if she could help. I was of the mind someone walked into the building while the desk was unattended around 11:00pm but my supervisor viewed the tapes and he didn't see anyone enter with dudes description between 9pm and 11pm so homeboy was probably inside the building from much earlier in the day. The other possibility is that they entered the building from somewhere theres a camera blind spot. Maybe even a window somewhere on the property. (The maintenance crew seem to know SOMETHING but its not always easy to communicate as most don't speak english. A couple of them spoke to me and seemed to indicate that security at the desk wasn't looking at the cameras and possibly a homeless person entered the facility and went undetected, Possibly unreported? I get the idea people might not wanna talk either because they don't wish to get involved or perhaps get someone in trouble) I work with some cool people but some of them despite being cool people are not the easiest people to work with because of work ethics and I'm not saying I'm a perfect worker. But it does bother me that some people are too relaxed. Leaving the parking gate open and not really watching the cameras is a potentially dangerous thing to do in this crazy world we live in especially when ALOT of folks do not like the lgbt community. People have managed to enter the building before. Some homeless people do try to come in. Some have managed to sneak in off the street. I worry sometimes (about all these crazy shootings going on around the country especially) and this is playing a big part in my decision to leave that job once I have saved up a certain amount of moolah. Security (especially where we work and in that area) is not the type of job one can be nonchalant in. I just don't think its a good idea to ever let yourself get too comfortable. Sometimes its a good thing to be paranoid. Suck though that the actions of an idiot have managed to disrupt my work environment. In time it won't hurt so much but lesson learned. Just like my co-worker said that place is like my house but I share that house with many other entities and some of those entities are not nice entities plus you got sneaky entities that try to wreck your shit so I guess in some ways I was the very thing I accused others there of being...too damn cozy. 

Anyway I purchased the tickets for me and Mr. Ninja to go to Universal this weekend. Its gonna be nice. I'm so looking forward to the new Nintendo attraction. Its expensive this weekend too because of Mothers Day. $144 as opposed to usually the price being $124. I sent my mother a cool "Momzilla" shirt which should arrive today. (Just hope i got her size right) I had to call Mr. Ninja because I wasn't quite sure what his last name is. He's so mysterious and low profile. I actually knew it but wasn't sure on the spelling. After getting off the phone it slipped my mind again but a quick google search actually helped me find the right spelling from an article written that featured him. I was planning to maybe get a hotel afterward but I'm gonna have to cut back, maybe push that idea to later, since the stolen items need to be replaced. Theres another new handheld system coming out next month that stomps the Steam Deck in important areas and the temptation is gonna be there for me to get one but I think its a spiritual need in me to replace what was taken from me. I've felt a strong urge to replace stuff stolen from me before. Like the Disney mug I got in NY years ago and someone stole it after I left it in the microwave. I always suspected a co-worker who doesn't work there anymore at the center. When my stuff was stolen in Detroit I hurried up and replaced it. Don't really need to be in a hurry. Patience is a good virtue to have. Mr. Ninja wants to go around noon and I think we need to talk about that as by then the place will likely start to be crowded. Already got the wardrobe figured out. Ordered a few things. Green sneakers and a green jogging suit. Temperature is supposed to be mid 70's this weekend plus it will get cooler later. We will be getting plenty of water splashed on us too probably so long sleeves and pants is the right way to go. Still gotta look for the small fanny bag type body sling thing because I wanna bring a camera. Hopefully the bag is not too big because they make you take it off for rides if its over a certain size. The only thing to think about now is where will we go to break bread as well as how late we plan to stay. Don't really think I wanna do all day till night but time tends to fly by so quickly in that place. So what to say if he invites me over his place afterwards? That too is something to mull over. At any rate I need to break out of this funk clouding my mind. Its just that sometimes in life something insane happens before you have even fully recovered from an earlier insane event. Whats even worse is when the insanity stacks up. Sometimes it feels like someone is trying to break me with all this shit. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 101

 I just got home from work. I got off early because I was so upset and devastated over the fact someone walked right into the building and stole my small Asus laptop along with my Steam Deck. Both were set up like they always are and charging because I come in early to relax with some gaming and a cup of coffee before the start of my shift every night. We have a pretty good idea of who took it. I mean we identified a tall white guy on video walking briskly out of the building around 11:30pm. So I made an incident report in our log and then called the police who directed me to a site for making a police report. The Steam Deck was almost $700 in value with a really cool green rubber case on it and my laptop was around $250.00. Its pretty crazy that you spend your life working to survive and you find some things to help you cope and then some individual comes along and wants to take it from you. Back in 2018 someone stole all my luggage along with a laptop,ipad and also my birth certificate and passport which were packed inside. Meanwhile at work someone years ago stole one of my favorite Disney mugs I'd had for years along with the charger for my MSI gaming laptop. It just seems like PEOPLE are always trying to TAKE something from me. Peace of mind. Privacy. Hacking my shit. Social media and I'm pretty convinced someone may have attempted to break into my apartment. The truth is they may have actually succeeded. At this point I am just tired of people. Times like this make me really wish I could go live on an island away from people and their BS. Just before I left the job there were some gathered kids outside and it appeared some crazy situation was brewing. When is it ever not with these kids? Not sure how much sleep I'm gonna get tonight but I think I might eat something and watch some tv to clear my head. There are too many potential security breaches at my job and it does concern me that some folks there migh be too relaxed and forgetful of the fact we have to be vigilante as plenty of people do not like gay folks. The parking gate is constantly left open and folks don't really be watching those cameras as much as they should. It just feels crazy being a security guard and your shit isn't even safe at your job. Recently food getting stolen from the fridge has been a common thing. People have told me that their entire lunches have been taken. Mr. Ninja said someone even went thru his packed lunch and took certain articles of food. I noticed when I looked in the fridge earlier it appeared someone may have even messed around with some of my juices. I have had things taken from the fridge before also. Thanks to all these bumbaclots we can't fucking go anywhere without video cameras watching our every move. Thanks thieves for giving "the man" more incentive to strip away our rights. Really.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 100

 "SURVIVING LOS ANGELES"

PART 1.

Been dreaming again. They are becoming more vivid and its appropriate since my creative juices are re-igniting after a lull. I was in a pretty dark place over the last few months and it really took me awhile to bounce back. A broken heart can do that to you. For some of us who are more emotional and feel everything to a higher degree these things can be dangerous. I was sick. I was depressed and just filled with so much pain and rage over letting myself get into that particular situation. I made alot of mistakes and I do wish I could go back and unmake the past three months but I cannot so therefore I must fight the pain and continue onward. Life isn't always sunny and happy. Sometimes you go thru the most horrifying of torment and eventually you come out of it. Well it certainly helps when you look around at the world and realize how blessed you are because we can forget things can always be worse. Some people out there are going thru some shit that makes my life seem like paradise. This does not escape me. I think its safe to say anyone who is going thru a tough time and things seem too much take a look around at what other people are going thru because it will certainly help you put things in a different perspective. Even if you have some sort of mental disorder you gotta recognize some people are dealing with the absolute unthinkable yet they still go on in this world. Some of the stress I have been dealing with is coming from my job too. We had a lunatic woman here yesterday who kept banging on the door and harassing anyone who crossed her path. It was a truly disturbing situation made even more complex since the police were not really helpful until things started becoming dangerous for anyone who worked or lived in the building. She actually physically assaulted a few people plus she kept trying to come inside. Hell, she even managed to get in a few times. We deal with alot here. I was talking with a Lyft driver the other day about some of the stuff i have experienced and it really hit me we go thru ALOT of stress at this workplace. So its no wonder I think about quitting like every waking moment. It is getting close to that time. Putting dating on the back burner is definitely gonna insulate me from BS but I think its safe to say my nerves need a more peaceful environment so they can properly heal from all the...stuff. Videogames and other entertainment have helped keep me afloat plus focusing on the Sasquatch film project has guided me out of the funk. As we get deeper into pre-production its gotten harder for me to focus on BS. I have said this before but filmmaking is not for the faint of heart. Right now I getting some storyboards made. I think the artist lives outside the US which is probably why I was able to get him for a great price. The currency exchange rate makes many things possible businesswise when working with folks outside the US. I've already dropped a grip of cash for a crowdfunding video we are doing to raise funds for the film. On top of that I gotta get some character designs done. That will probably be done by the cartoonist who did me animated project "Detector Pig" years ago. Lurking in the shadows is a root canal which is scheduled to go down in a couple of weeks. Theres rarely ever a dull moment in my life...

PART 2.

An associate wants me to film him at some fashion show in Oct. I do like taking photos and I think I'm pretty good at it actually. Could be a cool way to make some extra  moolah so I told him yes. I am not 100 percent sure though because I have some trips in mind for later this year. Also I have asked dude several times to help me out on projects and he refused. He also refused to come to Universal with me even though I told him it was on me. Yeah, I know its the "gay thing" that makes some straight guys act peculiar at times. They are uncertain of our intent and I can acknowledge many gay men are a hot nefarious mess and will try to sleep with any man with or without two legs who dares to cross their path. So much of the time I look around and see some of the messed up shit others in the lgbt community subscribe to and it sickens me. It has certainly shifted my views towards a more conservative slant over the last 10 or so years I'll tell you that... So yeah I understand why so many heteros HATE us. Some of us are something else. Not all of us. But others. Whooh! Honestly though there does seem to be a strong feeling of general distrust in the air. The last few years have been pretty out there. Covid. George Floyd. Insurrections and wars. Shootings are still a thing. Just the other day some guy in Texas shot up a family and there was a school shooting also the other day. Others have happened and one of my co-workers was like "Its like you can't even walk down the street anymore" Ever since this pandemic, there has been a heaviness in the air. Its a gloomy fog that has nver really left. I mean we are still wearing masks and ridesharing is still not doing any ridesharing. (Some of us were paranoid about germs before this shit but thats a whole other converstion...)

PART 3. 

5.5.2023

I guess a co-worker is hearing the call of the wild because he just got back after taking some classes so he can get certified for another job. I always try to encourage him because he is good with electronics and videogame related stuff. He's modded some things for me over the years. He doesn't really listen to me though. I mean you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it. I could work in the videogame industry too I suppose and its certainly time to be looking for a safer saner line of work. The pay here is good and the benefits are dynamite but the areas gotten too crazy. The police seem so limited or not caring when it comes to helping us with these situations which would definitely lessen if a gate were to be erected around the property yet they won't do that. So I'm saving money and focusing on getting my projects done because I'm not planning to stick around here for much longer. My goal is to stick it out till March at least because I don't wanna quit without enough money set aside to tide me over until I get more cashflow coming in. Honestly I dunno...maybe I should consider going to another company even if the pay is lower and the benefits are not so great if its gonna give me a better work environment and peace of mind. My rent isn't high and I don't need alot of money. I think what I really need right now is a change of scenery. Sometimes to get the things you want you have to give up something you have. Anyway, yesterday that certain person I said I wasn't gonna write about who broke my heart came in to work, and when he saw me in one of the rooms here on my computer he came over to spent a few moments with friendly chatting. He seemed different. Well, there seemed to be a kind of glow about him. Was it all in my mind or is somebody getting laid on the regular? Well somebody is taking care of his needs and I guess I'm happy even if its not me. Wasn't meant to be you know. A wise person once said you can't always get what you want. I just am of the mind right now the love of my life is supposed to be my work (Maybe its always been that way) and I have so much catching up to do because I have been neglecting the things that really should be most important to me. Yeah, I am one of those people. I can't bring back lost time but I can work on making up for it while the people I love are still here. As far as my Sasquatch project goes I have hired someone to do storyboards for the film and I hired another artist to do some full body illustrations for me. I'm saving money because the storyboard artist is in another country so due to the currency exchange rate he is willing to work with me on payments. Like I paid $250.00 for thar storyboards and once it was changed to his currency it became almost $500.00. This is why so many people do business outside of the US. The artist doing my illustrations has known me for years and did a cartoon for me a while back so he is willing to give me a great deal. Meanwhile I paid the guy who will be directing the film $500.00 to work with me on a crowdfunding video we will probably shoot in a few weeks. I just need to sit down and get to work on some concepts because all my past crowdfunding efforts fell flat. Who knew it wasn't gonna be easy to get people to give you money? So I am making some power moves. It may be slowly but surely I'll get to where I wanna be.

PART 4.

5.6.2023

"The Evil That Men/Women Do"

A lady who works here at my job that I had a falling out with came into the lobby playing (blasting!) "Backstabbers" by the Ojays. I know she did it on purpose because the song was just starting when she got out of the elevator. 

PART 5.

5.10.2023

Its really getting crazy here in the US with all the shootings that keep happening here. Sunday there was a shooting in Texas at a shopping mall. This was a 30-something-year-old man of Hispanic origins. He apparently harbored some racist ideologies. It is strange but racist tensions between hispanics and black people are not a new thing. There is a far right group called the proud boys and they have been responsible for some violent racist type activities. One of their leaders who is Afro Cuban did some time for burning a Black Lives banner. Of course he's incredibly handsome. Probably could have any woman or man he wants yet this person seems to have this passion inside them for igniting the flames of racial division. I'm starting to wonder if the best thing that could happen for American black folks is for the US government to give us all a one-way ticket to Africa so we can just be away from all this BS. All the racial profiling and uneven playing field held by those unwilling to share the wealth.  There is literally enough money and resources to wipe out poverty in the US but it just  doesn't happen. And in regards to Africa...well I hear they don't exactly love gay folks over there so theres that. 

Why is it that in this crazy insane world people focus so much on doing things to make life more difficult for others instead of dealing with their own issues? I think its a way of running from stuff. There are some other possibilities too. Someone could be making these shooters do these things. Telepathic suggestion? Blackmail or demonic possession? An insane mind that has lost all connection to reality or rationality? Or perhaps this is a perfectly sane mind grasping at one last grand yet ridiculous attempt at recognition. That might actually be the most disturbing possibility. One thing for certain is that all of these shootings were not really happening years ago when I was pre-teen. Something has definitely changed in society that has driven this newer generation towards such extremes and we need to figure out where we went wrong before a wannabe shooter gets their hands on a weapon of mass destruction. Then we will all be in big trouble. Its probably only a matter of time. My scariest nightmare involved me running back and forth all across the world trying to escape from a humanity at war with itself while the rest of the world around them was devastated. 

A few weeks ago I came across a news story about a young black man who was chased and murdered by a bunch of white folks who ended up dismembering his body. Maybe they did this to try and get rid of evidence? I don't know. In my mind I have exacted revenge on people who pissed me off yet never in a million years would I ever take a life. Defending myself when the threat is great is one thing but to actually go out and kill someone creating that huge ripple effect on reality. That is some crazy level madness. I can see wanting to harm someone who has done something horrible to you or a loved one and maybe they deserve it but you are in effect giving some low life the power to ruin your life. Justice and revenge are not the same thing. Its weird logic probably but when someone dies they can't suffer anymore for what they did. Well I guess they can (suffer) but thats another conversation. Point is killing is the quick and easy solution. What if by sparing that person and giving them a chance to change they end up becoming an awesome attribute for society? I'm just saying. This poor kid had his whole life ahead of him and now its just over and the crazy thing is unless a miracle happens we may never know why? When/why did it become so easy for others to take a life? Is it something in the water or is the really the side effect of still emerging technologies?

I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about so and so anymore but we sorta talked the other day. ...And I sorta invited him to Universal Studios with me this coming weekend. Originally I'd planned to go to Detroit to hang out with a buddy for Detroit Comic Con but since my buddy in Detroit is facing a terrible situation with his moms being almost possibly at her deathbed he is not gonna be available understandably. Mr. Ninja even invited me over his place Monday after we talked but I had a sleeping pill in my system so regrettably I declined. Its probably for the best I didn't go. Letting that man have sex with me might affect my ability to think objectively plus its real easy to recall how devastated I was when I realized and accepted I had feelings for someone who can never reciprocate for whatever reasons. I wish I could go back in time because I believe I never should have invited him back to my place that one time when we had "semi-sex". It felt really good and nice but I think because it was so long since I was intimate (Its been years since I've had anyone inside) my emotional state got all convoluted. I just don't want to go back to how devastated I felt understanding I'd been rejected when he stopped making time or calling like he did initially. That whole situation put me in a bad place spiritually so I need to NOT sleep with dude. He is "to have and NOT to hold" Just like that Madonna song from the "Ray Of Light" album. You have to be careful of people like that. Especially when they really know how to put it down in the bedroom. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 99

 (To DJ Ajamu presents Neo Soul The Playlist Vol 2 -YouTube-)

Been dreaming more frequently. This is a good thing and it is certainly because of "M" sessions. Very intense I guess because...well because its been so long since I've been with anyone. I had a half-assed sexual encounter awhile back but was hesitant to go all the way because I was too nervous. It had been a looooooong time for me and I was too tight and apprehensive to continue. Facts. My father once told me something that stuck with me. He said that people can go crazy if they go too long without having sex. As nuts as that sounds I think theres some truth to it. Sexual frustration is a real thing. Its pretty damn powerful actually and when you add to the fact one can get addicted to the pheromonal emissions of certain folks well you could have the potential for a powderkeg situation. Some people canreally get their hooks in you like that Ojays song and its difficult to break free. I suspect this is why some people turn psycho after break-ups and do crazy things. Anyway I feel like I did myself a good one by cold turkey stepping away from dating after one failed attempt too many. Some folks go to Mexico and find themselves a prostitute but me...Ima throw myself into my work. Like Lois Lane says she does when Clark goes away for a long time. Focus on the important stuff. The things and people that matter. Not gonna lie...it has been a long process yet I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that kind of light. 

So anyway back to my dream. Dreams. The other day it was a white wolf trying to get in a house to get me and my stepsister. The day before I was on a bus waiting for folks to get back from somewhere. Yesterday it was me in a house and singing the lyrics to that Diana Ross song  "Do you know where you're going to" to someone because they never heard it and turning off a tv and game system to leave. At some point I think we heard machine gun fire outside. Maybe there are some subconscious messages in these dreams or perhaps I really am peering into some alternate universe with a different kind of life for me. I can't say I know for sure. Just like I don't have an answer for why it is I dream so much when most other folks don't seem to dream often or if at all. I mean yeah I'm different. I guess maybe I'm like a omega level telepath who was never trained to use his abilities and so I just have to figure out things on my own because as far as I know there is no Xavier institute. (Well some say there are such places!) But what I can say for sure is that it is almost overbearing living in this world when you are hypersensitive to so much. I wonder how many other people just cracked mentally and physically because of the strain? Probably more sad stories out there than I can imagine... So yeah that would mean I am not the only sad superhero running around out here. Earth Wind and Fire said one day I will find others like me and if that is true I wonder then how much longer will I be waiting? Of course there is always the possibility I've run across them already...

I went to the UPS place near me the other day to drop off my Nintendo Joy Cons. Nintendo fixes them for folks free of charge since so many broke down and they got sued. I also went to the supermarkets near me a few times and did my laundry. Been coming out of my shell so to speak these past few weeks. Hasn't been easy but one can only stay in the house wallowing for so long. You gotta get out and feel the sun or the moon on your head. Your skin. You have to force yourself to face people and the world no matter how scary it can be at times. All over the planet things are happening. Some good things for sure yet at times the bad seems to outweigh the good. Wars in Armenia. Wars in Africa. Shit going on in Haiti. Shit happening in Mexico. All these shootings here in the US. Anti Jewish shit. The trans community is in the news alot these days. Even though I work in the lgbt community and have some trans associates I still feel kinda weirded out by the fact they have basically assimilated into the lgbt community. I mean first it was lgbt then it became lgbtq then it became lgbtq+ and some people are making fun calling us the alphabet community. But lgbt and these other groups...well we have some things in common yet it is the fact society hates us that we banded together. However this unity is something I'm wondering if its imaginary. Some of the things the community is doing or have done are things I don't agree with and in some ways society could be turning against us which could be "undoing" some the things previous generations fought to achieve. Sometimes I feel like I need to start my own community as I don't really feel I fit in with the community. I have always felt like an outsider yet these days its more and more. Initially the lgbt community were heroes in my eyes but things have changed. Now everyone is so easily offended and quick to cancel plus theres so much money moving and politics being thrown around. It is said if one stays a hero long enough the world will see them become a villain. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 98

To: The world is a ghetto (Will Downing classic club mix on youtube)

Yesterday was just like the day before. Couldn't sleep. So I've learned to just embrace it. Fall asleep when I fall asleep. Rent is paid. Went to Staples to ship the defective hard drive back to Amazon. Noticed that Trump has been indicted. What will come of it I wonder. Folks can now carry concealed guns in Florida. Anti-gay laws passed in Uganda. And here I was thinking of moving to Africa. Turns out they don't like us there either. What is us anyway? People who question their sexuality and dare to seek self expression? More self-appointed regulators of society claiming to represent a god none of them have ever seen. Claiming to represent cleanliness when in truth everything that happens in a bedroom is nasty. If you really think about it. Its so very necessary (for some of us) yet its still kinda disgusting. Still dreaming. Creative enthusiasm and motivation returning. My mind is coming back to being me. Healing in so many ways. Getting back into the swing of things and remembering what is important enough to focus on. Mastering the art of just letting go and letting God(?)

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Random thoughts and introspections on life and thingamajigs.

To: Chilled hip hop and neo soul mix#32 ( Raphael on youtube)

Went outside yesterday.  It was a small thing. To me a giant leap. I needed to return a defective hard drive that wouldn't work on my PC or PS5. It was cool outside as I walked in the sun with my "Nerds" trucker cap on. The one with the holes in it on top to let the sun in. Might have been clocked by a brother as I neared Stapes. Not sure. Never really sure if the look means they are liking what they see or if they're interested in destroying what it is they see.  

Went to Jack In The Box for a chicken Teriyaki bowl. (Said I was cutting down on the fowl yet we all have our cheat days right?) There was a handsome brother there. Kinda reminded me of someone I once knew. It was strange. Well maybe it always is. Being in the presence of something that seems unattainable. Feels like all my sins are laid bare and I can't even look in his direction for long. Why do I let people intimidate me in this fashion? Feels like theres this unintentional exchange of energy that happens you know. Part of me thinks one day I'll go to some far off land to study in the mountains with some guru who will instruct me in the ways of controlling this weird energy or pheremone thing about me. Yeah it does sound "out there".

It was an interesting weekend though. Tried this "date site" turns out its a scam haven. So had to get off there. People be stealing photos and sometimes I feel someone may be out there pretending to be me. Ain't that something. Seems alot of it is coming from "the motherland" but Ima leave that alone. Just be careful on Facebook ya'll... Scammers be so on it...calling me every day never leaving voicemails but texting saying your account is compromised or some crazy ish. Everybody on Instagram now is a personal trainer or a bitcoin expert. 

Meant to do my laundry but that didn't happen. Meant to get groceries. That didn't happen but I resisted the urge to call doordash. Its the small victories that sometimes matter the most eh? Doordash be expensive as hell so trying to cut back. Saving that money because the film. Because...the dentist. Because maybe the move will happen soon. Maybe I need to finally go get those damn glasses. So worried it might make my eyesight worse you know? 

Been playing games and keeping my hand-eye coordination trained up. Posting gameplay videos. In pursuit of the ever-elusive algorithm. Its real I tell you. No tin foil hat here. Well not at this moment in time. Called my buddy about storage. Gotta do something about my clutter. Clutter.com might be the only solution until I get my own house. Called my Sasquatch director. Something I put off for awhile. Was partly due to being sick but also indecisive about what steps to take next. Seems a fundraiser is in order to make this film happen. Seems ironic we might need to give somebody money to help us get somebody to give us money (for our film). Cue the laugh track. But that might be the trick no one tells you about for crowdfunding. 

Stuck here at the desk but not resentful since that means no more patroling for this shift. Also that means I'll miss a 15-minute break. 

It was nice to get outside yesterday. Like it was to go to the beach last week. To go outside and walk around. Strange that things you might have once taken for granted feel like luxuries now. Gifts. The mind bends and stretches from just stuff. Theres scars that might never completely heal and there might always be some anger realizing some of this anxiety was thrust upon me by bad people who oddly enough still effect my life. Yet life goes on no matter how scary and unsettling it might seem at times. What I have learned is that it is much easier to navigate through all this when you have clear goals and objectives.  It also helps if you can be somewhat realistic...