Confessions of a sad superhero book 37

 Quite The Journey Part 5

Its taken me awhile to snap out of the funk I have been in these past few months. Well its actually been longer than a few months truthfully. But I am starting to feel more like me than the out of control barely in control of his emotions thing I was before. If that makes any sense. My thoughts still seem alittle fuzzed yet not quite as fuzzy as before. I mean I'm not completely there because I have been doing little decidedly un-Sergio-ish things. Forgetting stuff. Feeling nonchalant at work. Putting off cleaning up and writing or being creative. Feeling numb towards friends and relatives. Putting things off. For example I left my keys in the Lyft I took to work last night and it caused me much grief this morning because I couldn't get in my apartment. Had to get my landlord to help me out. Ended up climbing thru a neighbors window. I had a major anxiety attack the other day because the neighbors tapping on my wall triggered me. (Yeah I know its time for me to move and quit my job) Ended up getting three days off work but now I am running really low on vacation time. Speaking of....they got my time off request mixed up because I am supposed to be off Monday yet I am still on the schedule. Been having some pain in my leg and back and Kaiser still hasn't given me a clear solution for those damn headaches. Trying not to think too much about the root canal I'm due for this year. I somehow erased the ghostly encounter I had at my fathers place but managed to recover it off my ipod. (Happened I think when everyone was out getting gas due to the Russian hacking of the pipeline) Then my computer is tripping. My gaming laptop. But what else is new right? Hah. A shirt I sent Captain Liberia was stolen from his mail but Amazon replaced it. (Come to find out most of the shirts I sent him fit too tight and he's only just now telling me) Microsoft refunded me for a really buggy game (Necromundo) Last night at work we had to call the cops for a guy sleeping by the door and it took them forever to arrive. (This is why I hate that stupid defund the po po crap) At least we might not have to wear those damn masks on our faces anymore soon. June 15 is when things are supposed to open up here in LA. PS5 is still pretty much impossible to get. We've had several mass shooting events recently (a kid was even shot but they finally caught his shooters) but thankfully no big fire stuff. And my brother still refuses to call me. Its as if he's acting like I no longer exist. Perhaps in his mind I don't? 

I went to the store and bought a bunch of candy. Gummi candy which I love. A particular brand is just irresistable. Kinda like these thoughts I have of a certain dude I met thru my filming projects. He's straight and I know theres no future but its a struggle at times to get him out of my head. But I do often resist the urge to communicate with him more. Not to mention someone from my past who recently surfaced when I went back home. "Stay in your lane" has become a mantra. I'm not wasting anymore time on some knucklehead who's not interested in me. Seems not much of anybody is interested in anybody anymore. What up with that? Its almost as if someone cast a spell on folks minds and now relationships are like endangered and shit. I feel like I am surrounded by a bunch of folks who have given up on love and I've got to escape from here. Escape to Africa. Or North Dakota.

The publisher of my comic project threw me a curveball because he doesn't want to publish some of the comics in the anthology. I think its because they are not up to their standards. This is causing me stress because I have been paying to get these comic stories done and now I have to find other avenues of getting several of them published. Those include "Gerbilla" "Tohm The Mouse And Harrold" and "Gamer Granny" I think I managed to talk dude into doing a flip book featuring DragonManx and Sasquatch with Detector Pig as a back up tale. These are afer all being done by his artists. What this basically means is my 6 comic anthology is now a 3 comic anthology. So I have three comics I have to put out either individually or as separate books. 

I have been calling home weekly to check on Dad and Geraline. (At some point I would like to help them deal with a rodent problem!) (I actually have my war to fight with some six legged would be invaders) Still need to call Orange-Dre who lost his mom around the same time my sister passed. It still feel surreal and dreamlike thinking of that time spent in NC and what happened. The funeral. All the people. All the food. Seeing people I hadn't seen in many moons. People remembered me but I seem to have blocks in my head because of vague recollections. It irritates me you know? Why can't I remember them? And seeing Crystal laying there in that coffin looking so much like someone else who wasn't her.... I tried to comfort my father and Geraline. I mean I know I made a difference by being there but it was building inside that this girl was gone and I blew it because I never got to know the beautiful person who'd left the lives of so many folks empty. Its funny how you can feel numb then the pain inside just gradually bubble to the surface. I recall my mother or sister saying when my Grandma passed that "It comes in waves" It took my mom some time before she was even able to go to Grandmas grave. I lost an uncle recently and still have yet to process it all. 

At Crystals funeral my Sister Stephanie was so strong and composed. I think she'd gotten much of the grief out before. As I sat there next to her irritated because I couldn't really see much that was happening (due to how they had us seated) I looked thru the booklet they gave everyone commemorating Crystals life. Took in all the words from folks who knew her. Folks who were inspired by her because she was a fighter. I took in the lively music. There was a kind of building dread of what was to come. That final goodbye. We walked out the church as Dad had requested the coffin to stay closed till the end of the service. All of that time is a blur in my mind. I walked out because I'd already said goodbye at our private viewing days before and I even touched Crystals face. At the funeral while outside I saw them bringing my Dad out and he was basically collapsing. The sun was out in full swing and I tried to take in all the folks around. Was able to catch up with some family then the moment came when I was asked if I'd like to be a pallbearer. I went over to help them lift that heavy coffin. Then we put Crystal in the hearse that took her on her final drive to the gravesite. The drive took a loooooong time. I guess it was because we were driving so slow. Approaching cars pulled over in respect. I looked out the window to see lines and lines of cars behind us. This girl was so much loved. To be  remembered, truly loved by so many in such a way is so epic in its bad assedness.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 36

  QUITE THE JOURNEY PART 4:

So the day of the funeral came and it was a heavy day. Thats the understatement of the century I think. First off my father asked me to help him clean off and take some tables to the church where a dinner was gonna take place after the funeral service. He was kinda ticked at me because I didn't  have any dress pants. Only the black jeans I'd brought with me. I mean....yeah he was pissed at me. I think now I realize he was REALLY pissed at me. I saw only one other person at the funeral in jeans. It was a guy and I have no idea who he was. HE was actually wearing blue jeans so that made me feel alittle less out of sorts. Maybe Dad wasn't so much mad at me but just channeling some other stuff. Which is understandable. I guess one reason why I probably stay away from family and people in general is because theres always something that happens to bring the tension. Perhaps the truth is its unavoidable? 

The hearse came to pick us up at the house. My sister Stephanie rode with us. So it was Geraline, Dad. Tonya (my stepsister) and her son. We really didn't have much to say to each other but her son doesn't know me so thats understandable. I did try to be social but....there was no connection. I think I might have a reputation as the weird step uncle who never grew up. The whole time I was in the hearse (I sat in the front with the driver) everything was feeling so dreamlike. It still does in a way. Like maybe it wasn't happening. Like it didn't happen. I think my brain was still in shock. The drive took like forever. That was fine by me. I wasn't in a hurry to get to that church. One thing that was cool was that oncoming cars would stop and park on the side whenever they approached our loooooong line of cars. I am not exxagerrating either when I say Crystal had the biggest funeral I have ever personally attended. Girl touched alot of lives. Its pretty awesome knowing so many people loved her. 

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 35

 QUITE THE JOURNEY PART 3:

My father and Geraline were pretty calm when I first arrived in NC. But the heaviness of what had happened...its the kind of heaviness one can feel in the very air. People were coming by the house alot. There was alot of food. All the Parkers fried chicken I could eat. I guess this was making up for me not having eaten Parkers since I was probably in my early 20's. Parkers has a reputation for their fried chicken and barbecue. I also ate plenty of that during my visit because there was so much of it right there. Usually I avoid pork! There was cole slaw...hushpuppies....and sweet tea. There was banana pudding and all sorts of cakes. Folks brought us breakfast too. 

Some people came by to pray with the family. It was truly heartwarming to see so many people concerned and stopping thru to spend time with Geraline. Making sure she was alright. I think folks just wanted to make sure she wasn't alone too much. I have never seen such an outpouring of love and support. My father has a pretty big family so I expected folks to be coming thru but Geralines family and church family really went above and beyond in looking out for her. 

I'd promised my father I would go with him to view Crystal later during the week. I remember going with Louis to see his father many moons ago and it didn't really bother me. But they brought her by the house in a hearse one day and they never opened the coffin or anything but Dad for the most part held it together. I think he cried just alittle but maybe a day later when we actually went to see Crystal at the funeral home he and Geraline just lost it. I'd never seen my father cry but the pain of seeing his child there laying in that coffin was just too much. Something no parent should ever have to experience really. Crystal didn't even look like herself to me. But then again mostly no one ever seems to you know? I think the last time I'd actually seen Crystal alive was when she was in her mid teen years. Thats how long I'd been away from home. I know I need to do better than this. Dad did at one point in my trip say something about something like this shouldn't be the reason I come home. Its a wake up call to me that I need to work more on my family connections. People are getting older and time is just flying by. One thing that worries me alot these days is the fact I have a younger brother who barely knows me. He's around 27 now and I'm gonna have to put in some work to fix our relationship. Some of his life decisions worry me too so a trip to Florida sometime this year is on the top of my to do list.

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 34

QUITE THE JOURNEY...

PART 2

The shuttle came to pick me up from my job around 4:45am-ish. It was supposed to be there at 4:30am but there was no problem with me getting to the airport on time. Its crazy that the super shuttle type services I usually use for flights have now gone bankrupt or apparently out of business. At least thats what the driver told me. When I got to the airport I had to get one of the associates to help me check in because now you can't just simply do it on the kiosk with your credit card. I heard fraud is the reason. Leave it up to stupid humans to ruin things. I  checked in the luggage case the cute guy sold me. I just packed it with clothes mostly. I put all my electronics and gadgets in my big backpack. (I still miss the one E-Zilla gave me years ago) I didn't take my laptop or any electronics out of my backpack as I hate putting my shit on those nasty ass trays I never see them sanitize. But they did kinda bug me about it because they needed to look inside my backpack. Honestly I think I hate checking in more than anything else involved with catching the plane. Surprisingly I slept much of the plane ride. I was pretty tired. Not just physically but emotionally as well. 

The flight to Charlotte was like 4 hours and the connecting flight to Raleigh was around 30 minutes. Dad and my nephew Semaj picked me up at the airport. I think the drive back to his place in Robersonville took around an hour. We talked on the way and I asked my father some questions about Crystal. Mostly I just wanted to know the whole story. Dad and another person had to break into Crystals house when she didn't answer and Dad found her unresponsive on her bed. He tried to give her CPR and when the ambulance came they did the same thing but were unsuccessful. Dad was pretty calm yet I could see he was dealing with alot of stuff in his mind. I think the shock was still in effect. There was pain and weariness in his voice. He'd already lost a sister days before and now this insane tragedy was happening. It still seems like some terrible foggy dream I wish I could wake up from but it hasn't happened yet.

It was nice to see Geraline again. Geraline is my Dads wife and she is my second mother. I have so many fond memories of this woman who wrote me such a heartfelt letter years ago when I fell out of touch. Geraline would make banana pudding and marshmallow treats for me, my stepsister Tonya and Carlos Tonyas cousin. Geraline witnessed some of my epic childhood craziness as well. Like that time I caught this huge snapping turtle! Come to think of it I was usually getting myself into some crazy stuff. Dumb kid. She recently fought and overcame her own illness. Geraline worked for a company for probably around 30 years. I gotta say it was mindblowing how many people were in and out of that house the whole time I was there. They....we were all gonna need that support for what was to come.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 33

QUITE THE JOURNEY.... 

(Part 1)

I bounced back from a week long on and off headache and got the news that my aunt Rosa "Roquamae" passed. Roquamae was the name I gave her. Of course I have nicknames for just about everyone I know. (Not really sure why I do that) Aunt Roquamae basically helped raise me when I was coming up. She mostly helped babysit me and my cousin Rochelle. Her sons "Orange-Dre" and Donte were pretty close to me during those years. Particularly "Orange-Dre" (Andre) who sometimes took martial arts with me from  the same teacher "Jasperzilla". Andre's dad Willie died like a year or two ago. Willie was the cool uncle who rode the big ass motorcycle. Aunt Roguamae had/has a heart of gold but she was one very strict woman. I recall her ironing her bedsheets. She was pretty intense with the cleaning obviously. I regret not getting a chance to talk with her before she passed. She was pretty bad off at some points and then appeared to be bouncing back so I kept my distance. Wasn't expecting her to check out. I kept in touch with "Orange-Dre" though on what was going on. Then the biggie happened....

Just as I had a few days before I received a message on Facebook from my cousin Tanya telling me to call home but this time she told me in an instant message to call my dad. So I did with thoughts running wild in my brain. My father picked up the phone with his usual calm manner but his voice had weariness in it. I asked him what was going on and he said with a sigh "Today you lost a little sister" and I was just numb and in shock at the same time. 

Crystal and I were never close. I can probably count on both hands how many actual conversations we had but over the years I would check in with Dad because her health and that of her mothers began to fluctuate. Her mom was able to bounce back from a disease that devastated her body. First I think Crystals issue was diabetes then she started having some issues with blackouts. Maybe headaches too I think. We spoke on the phone when things got particularly hairy and I think I asked her the same thing I asked Dad....if they were getting second opinions on what treatments were being used. Then Crystal's condition got so bad she needed a kidney donor which she would eventually get and reject. Then later on just like my cousin Montressa she needed an amputation. (I will be so glad when science catches up with science fiction and we have fully functional prosthetic limbs like Steve Austins) What happened was that someone came over to check on Crystal and they couldn't get in the house so Dad came over and they broke in the house and found Crystal cold and non responsive on her bed. Dad did CPR and the ambulance came to continue attempts to revive her. Nothing worked however. 

I think my mother called shortly after I got off the phone with my father because she'd heard what happened and wished me her condolences. Everything seemed a blur to me. In fact I am still processing everything and trying to come to terms with this double whammy tragedy. Trying not to be mad at the doctors. Trying to make peace with the fact the human race has basically failed so many people with radiation,chemicals and pollution....all these things that are rampant in society and harming the healths of so many and its pretty much accepted. Just drug us up and send us home. I think in many cases we just take the docs words without doing research or getting a second opinion. I was sitting down eating when my sister Stephanie and her son Semaj messaged me on Facebook. Semaj told me during our conversation that it would mean so much to my father if I came home because he needed me. It was then I realized I had to go home. Now was the time after almost 20 years. It was time for me to make that return journey.

I'd already missed a week off work and most of my sick days and vacation/personal time off was spent but when I called my boss and told her what happened she let me know all the employees are given 5 days of bereavement time so I asked for the time off and got approved instantly. She was very understanding. (She'd lost her mother last year to Covid) In fact all my bosses or supervisors were understanding. I had to work two days basically by myself because the officer I had the epic falling out with last year was off that Monday and then Tuesday when he came in due to pain from a hernia he wasn't able to do patrols. (Interestingly enough he didn't give his condolences but anyway....!) That Tuesday I only worked until 4:30am since my flight was at 7:30am. I'd packed after quite the adventure finding a travel bag. (A cute Armenien(?) dude saved the day by selling me a bag because the one I'd ordered from Amazon was just too big) I'd barely managed to pack in time and almost lost my keys. In fact I left a bag of oranges on my bed because I was rushing to get out the house to leave for work after packing and the LYFT was waiting downstairs about to leave my ass. Thankfully that night at work before my flight was a quite uneventful one. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 32

 (Listening to the "Depeche Mode" station on Pandora)

The last week has been so surreal. My Aunt Rosa passed and I was home trying to get over a headache and some depression over things then days later my little sister Crystal passed. This is really a devastating horrific turn of events and it was a very easy decision for me to make that I needed to go home to be with my father whom I've not seen since a 2005 visit to Atlanta. Crystal and I have never been close and in alot of ways I feel like I barely know her. This is what happens when one moves away from home and rarely visits. We didn't exactly keep in touch either but we did talk a few times over the years. I feel bad and when I talk to others about how estranged I feel from family they remind me the ball swings both ways in regards to keeping in touch. My cousin Heather was the only family member who came out here to see me. I just have to remember that. Crystal and her mother have had to deal with some pretty epic bouts with sickness over the years. I mean at one time Crystals mom was really in considerable danger. Geraldine contracted a very rare illness that affected her to the point she was in pain. Had trouble walking and at one point needed to eat from a straw. She was able to bounce back from this ordeal which she explained to me in vivid detail. What my stepmom experienced should be one of those inspirational lifetime movies. Seriously. Most of Crystals problems came from being diabetic. She got so bad off that she'd come to need a transplant. Unfortunately she rejected the donated kidney and had to be placed on dialysis. But she had some other problems too. Something was going on with her brain and she would experience blackouts. With all the weird stuff in our foods and pollution along with all sorts of freaky energies we're being exposed to it doesn't really shock me that folks are having so many health problems. 

It hurts though. And at the same time I feel kinda numb. I wish I'd talked to her and kept in touch. I wish the same thing for my aunt who helped take care of me when I was a youngin. I made sure to reach out to her son "Orange-Dre" my cousin. I have also kept in touch with Donte "Orange-Dre's" little bro who used to cry like it was going out of style all the time as a baby. Their father Uncle Willie started reaching out to me maybe a couple of years before he passed. Aunt Rosa went into a coma after dealing with some health issues I only recently found out about. When she seems on her way to recover I guess i made the assumption she would be fine and didn't really push the issue about getting her on the phone. I wish I had. They had her funeral over the weekend. My father and his wife didn't go because they were already dealing with Crystals sudden passing. I for the longest have felt bad about missing "Graham Crackers" funeral (Grandma Mary) and I knew that Crystals funeral wasn't something I could miss. My father needs support. I have never heard him sound like he's in such pain and yeah it does worry me. So I booked my flight over the weekend because I just didn't wanna keep waiting around for them to tell me when the service would take place while those plane ticket prices kept going up. I'm just glad I had alittle money saved up. I was trying to save up for moving or any possible rainy day but this is an emergency so it couldn't  be helped. Goodbye stimulus check. I already started pre-packing. Gotta make sure and bring allergy medicine. I am so glad my job is understanding and that had enough vacation,sick and personal days to cover my time off. I also have bereavement time off. 

Was feeling so funky and out of it these last few days and these sudden passings didn't help. I seemed to be coming down with something but thankfully I bounced back from that shit whatever it was. Honestly the thought of quitting my job has been so strong on my mind these last few months but I'm really trying to hold on not just because i have projects that are unfinished but also because i need to put aside money to tide me over when I do decide I am ready to quit. The last few years have been a trip. Losing "Daughters of Legend" then there were all the incidents at work with "that other security guard" which almost got me fired. Then Covid happened. Then there was that incident at work with another guard who went off on me for relieving her a few minutes late because I had no idea her relief didn't show up so she missed her bus. Then theres the person who doesn't speak to me. Its as if I committed some horrible crime against him or something. Honestly I suspect he overheard me complaining one night about how hard it can be working here with how some people act at times. Another possibility could be that someone is whispering in his ear. Possibly a mutual acquaintance. Another person in his department has been sorta distant after one night I complained to another guard how hard it can be to connect with folks here. Sometimes I do feel like people are so distant and that I don't really fit in or belong here. After watching some videos on youtube where folks were talking about not having friends or coping with loneliness I realize....well I realize this is becoming a common topic. I think just like with mental illness folks are starting to open up about these things they once would hide or keep inside. I don honestly wish I had a snuggle bunny or someone just to hug during these crazy times but I'm starting to understand as time goes by and I get more used to dealing with shit I won't really be so much wanting a relationship. It seems like mostly everyone else has convinced themselves that they don't need anybody. I don't really think I wanna be like that honestly. Seems the norm for plenty of gay men. So many of us seem to be looking for this musclebound perfect man. All the photos I see gay men lusting after....so many of the men in those photos are just so fucked up. Emotionally unavailable. Also many of those guys are STRAIGHT. I swear sometimes I wish my feelings for women were stronger because I am so tired of dealing with with these gay men out here. So many of them I think will be 60 years old before they are ready for any kind of meaningful relationship. Even Captain Liberia confuses me sometimes. I feel like when I show I care he pulls back and when I am not really caring he's interested. (Yeah he does seem spurred on at times when he sees others might be noticing me) I do care alot for dude. Sent him some cool gifts recently and wish I could do more especially since he is having a hard time in school right now. Then there are the men in my life I know who are secretly gay or bi and think I don't know. Not that I am big on making passes at anyone but I made a promise after what happened  here at work that I would NEVER  show feelings for someone who hasn't shown me any. Why waste energy on whats at most a stupid fantasy? And plus....well you know what they say....Sometimes you have to let something go and if its meant to be it'll come back to you. Over the years family has been there and I have been guilty of pushing them aside. Dealing with personal shit. Thinking they probably wouldn't understand. Yet I can't say that they ever really made me feel unloved. Going back home is kinda scary because I gotta see all those who have become strangers. Some will be new faces I've never met but (my brain is trying to recall a dream now) most if not all of those faces will be smiling at me. Even though we are grieving we'll be overjoyed to see each other....regardless of money....how inshape or out of shape I am....no college degree or fancy car..... I think I need to be more mindful of how fortunate I really am.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 31

11:30ishpm-12:30amish)

 (Listening to "All the feels" playlist on Spotify. Its really cool kinda moody neo-soul grooves that perfectly mirrors my mood right now)

Been awhile but today was one of those days where I needed to put my thoughts here so I could process everything. So here goes.... I was on Facebook earlier today when I saw a message from a cousin telling me to call home and call my father. It was urgent with exclamation marks so call I did and I got some heartbreaking news from my father. He said "You lost a little sister today" I think my brain just imploded at the speed of light or something. He then told me she'd passed in her house and they'd had to break in because she was not reachable and it raised flags. I could hear the pain in my fathers voice. Truthfully I'd never heard him sound like this but then again he just lost his sister like a week ago. My aunt "Roquamae" (You know I have nicknames for everyone) I am still trying to process the death of a woman who really was like another mother to me when I was coming up. Also I was just coming down from a headache that bothered me for days. I went to Kaiser yesterday and they gave me a shot (in the a$$!) that really didn't do much. Thankfully the medicine they prescribed eventually seemed to knock it out. 

Krystal and I were not particularly close and me moving away didn't really help. Just like Joshua she and I would talk every now and then. We had great conversations but then life would happen and we'd fall out of touch again. Over the years like her mom and a cousin I lost she had a bunch of health problems. Diabetes. Headaches and black outs. Transplants that didn't work and when I talk to my mother some of her words of comfort were that Krystal wasn't suffering anymore. Its true thats for sure and the way this world is now....I mean I miss all my loved ones who have passed on yet there is so much pain in this world that they are free from now.  I have some vivid memories of Krystal. Once she saw me making the bed and said I was making it up "like a woman" I think I may have asked her how should a guy do it but then again I doubt she ever actually saw my father or any other guy make up a bed. Geraldine always did that stuff. But you can kinda understand how I often feel worlds apart from some of my family back east. Certain ways of thinking and some limited understanding of the world due to not really going far enough from the nest. I have to admit after losing folks you start to realize how precious time is and you understand the importance of keeping in touch with family. Maybe even forgiving folks huh? Maybe even forgiving yourself.....

I already called my job. Let them know I would need to take some time off. Headache had me out a few days and I am sure my sick days are out but they give us 5 days bereavement time so I am gonna take that and go home for the funeral. I haven't been home since like early 2000-ish and now its time. My nephew told me how much it would mean for my father to see me and I remember years back Dad was disappointed I missed Graham Crackers funeral (Gandma Mary)  I am gonna be up all night as usual so Ima check on some flights. Guess theres not much I can do until they give me a date for Krystals funeral. Honestly 2020 up to now has felt like some strange largely unpleasant dream which refuses to end. No it hasn't been all bad but having to wear masks all the time added to how weird and on edge folks have been acting added to all the craziness at work and the ever growing homeless problem here in LA....I suppose it makes sense how strange I have been feeling these last few months particularly. I'm not even gonna get into trying to move past getting kicked out of the center one day when I stayed over upstairs or that pretty devastating situation with me and a certain guard I work with that happened last year. (He accidentally let a homeless guy into the parking lot last week that we had to call the cops on. They never came!) Also another guy who works in another dept I've known for years isn't speaking to me and when I asked him what was goin on he said there was no problem. I've also noticed other folks have been distant as if someone has spread some awful rumor or something. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what others think and I try to stay focused on my goals. I need to get back to speaking with my therapist more often. Journaling as she suggested helps in addition to working on projects and keeping my brain entertained/stimulated but we all eventually need to talk with someone. Well we should.