Confessions of a sad superhero book 172

(To Jack FM on iHeart Radio APP)

We're doing another kickstarter so I'm trying to get myself back in that mode. Gonna have to start doing videos on social media to promote. Instagram. Twitter. Facebook and Twitter. Also Youtube. Arnold who is in charge of my website has said he can help me with all these other areas to sale and promote my work but I had to have a conversation with him yesterday  to let him know I wanna do all of those things but I am not made of money so I have to pace myself so I won't have to sell my body on the street to pay for rent as a result of being too broke after paying him what he's asking. Meanwhile I still need to check in on James my animator because process has been slooooow on the Sasquatch cartoon. Thurgood (only women can call him Thurgod) was holding off on giving him some files because he didn't like the quality of the animation and I had to explain all he's seen is preliminary concept art. Thurgood (who has issues with eating anything shaped like a hotdog) is supposed to be working on editing the footage we shot at LA Comic Con like a week ago. I gotta stay on him because I don't want to be putting out footage for an event months after the fact. Thurgood has actually become a valued friend over time. Wasn't really expecting that to happen. I don't really have much in the way of interacting with mortals outside of work,projects or trips to the supermarket. Thurgood confided in me he has a sibling who is either gay or trans. I forget which. My brain is so full these days. I actually came in to work late tonight because I overslept. This is what happens when one spins hours playing videogames and goes to bed late then wakes up but decides to risk taking a short nap which somehow becomes two hours. 

A dude hit me up on the Facebook dating app earlier. I swear it was so weird because I really didn't know what to say. I mean I have had so many bad experiences with guys I think a switch in my brain has turned off because the very concept of dating just seems or feels wrong. (I came across a celebrity video where the person was saying when asked about dating he just doesn't see that in his future and i relate) I never get approached or noticed by fellas so when it does happen I'm not sure how to react and then theres the part of me that is tired of the online scammers and crazy folks who make profiles online just so they can get inside someone's head and fuck with them. People be trying to get me on the 6 o'clock news screaming naked and chasing somebody down the street with a damn sword. Another crazy black man on the tv they can laugh at and say I told you so but thats not gonna be me. Anyway I suppose right now I just can't focus on dating at this moment. Maybe the best thing I can do is let anyone who might approach me know that up front. It would probably be wise to delete that stupid Facebook dating profile then... Its okay to not be okay just like its okay to take the time away to work on yourself. Its kinda cliche to say this yet how can one be happy with someone else when they are not happy with self? 

Why is it so many people get off on bringing evil into the lives of others? I have been watching all these crazy ass videos on youtube of people doing the most insane things and cops having to put up with so much mess from psycho individuals. (I'm also hooked on a series on Youtube called Scary Bear Attacks!) Its nuts the things that some folks do. The chaos they bring into the world. School shootings. Serial killers. Rapists. Terrorist attacks and warmongering. Why? I keep asking. But then I stop to consider theres a disconnect from reality with these people. Some chemical imbalance or perhaps fucked up shit from the environment contributed to them being so messed up. Its real easy to say just lock them up and keep them away from the rest of society so they won't hurt anyone but I have to wonder how many folks could actually be cured of mental illness if someone else really put in the work to help them? I mean to say plenty of folks fall through the cracks of society because someone basically decided to put them out to pasture therefore sealing their fate. Pump them full of drugs and lock them up in a facility is the quick and easy solution when you don't want to get your hands dirty. I know there are some who can't be saved but one has to wonder how many just need that extra help to get their shit together. Mary J Blige said in one of her earlier songs how she used to laugh at the crazy lady never knowing what she was feeling inside. Just food for thought I guess.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 171

(To The Complete Harry Potter Film Music Collection Via Amazon Music Via The City Of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra )

*Got in trouble last week for having my ipad at the console. 

I was laying in bed yesterday trying to motivate myself to get up when I heard someone knocking at my door. I was like who is it then a voice said its me and don't you recognize my voice. Turns out it was my old friend from waaay back in the day. I'll call dude "Marty". Marty and I met way back in the late 90's when we both worked security for the same company. Marty was an interesting guy. Smart and pretty funny but what was most interesting at the time was the fact he was in the process of getting a sex change operation. Its something he says he's still gonna do but I no longer believe him. The last time I saw Marty was possibly two years (or more) ago. He dropped by unexpectedly and I was pretty embarrassed about all the clutter in my place and kinda pissed he just came through without giving me notice. So we fell out of touch. Marty has gotten married to a woman and he's also a dog dad. So much has happened in both our lives over the years and its amazing how much we have gone through so yeah its probably good to keep him around in some capacity. There are some other people I need to get back in touch with too. But thats another conversation. 

I suggested we go somewhere for breakfast and Marty obliged so he drove us over to the Denny's near where we used to work over near Wilshire and Serrano. I got the breakfast that came with these delicious flax seed cinnamon pancakes. Also came with coffe and orange juice. Turkey bacon and a regular sausage link too. I don't usually indulge in pork but it was a special occasion so... We talked and spent about two hours just catching up. Its really liberating having someone in your life you can basically talk with about anything. Marty also spits knowledge and he's well versed in psychology because of multiple degrees. He really should be teaching somewhere and he says he would like that...after he buys his acres of land somewhere away from the fast pace and toxicity of city life. This is something I often fantasize about. Living somewhere far from all the crazy and bad energy. All the chaos. The Crazy African is always saying how wonderful LA is but its a place to visit...not a place you wanna live in due to the cost of living and the stress that comes with existing with such a large population. I totally agree. Its about time for me to get off so Ima need to continue this later...!

Confessions of a sad superhero book 170

So its Friday and here I am at the Starbucks here at The Grove. I got out of the house to go check out a movie next door again. (They let me in for free since the system was doown!) This time I went to see "The Wild Robot"featuring Nupita Nyongo from "The Black Panther" as "Roz" a robot who lands on an island populated by a bunch of critters. Raccoons,a beaver,a fox and a bear just to name a few. (Spoilers incoming!) After a series of mishaps Roz is just about to send out a distress signal so she can be retrieved by the company that made her (apparently she was accidentally sent to this island) but before that happens her signal device is stolen. This leads to a wild chase sequence as an angry bear tries to catch her. Roz in her attempt to escape ends up accidentally murdering a nesting mother goose with eggs she also destroys, all except for one which she tasks herself to raise with help from a most unlikely ally. A fox (Fink) who initially attempted to eat the egg which hatched the chick Roz names Brightbill. Roz tries to teach Brightbill how to swim and fly because the fox lets her know the time is nearing when Brightbill must become independent especially since he'll need to fly away with the other geese come winter. Overriding her programming Roz makes it her new directive to insure Brightbill is prepared for his journey. The other animals resent Roz, Brightbill and Fink but eventually they warm up to the odd trio, creating a unique family dynamic which is cemented even more when they all have to come together later to battle the organization which made Roz when they arrive to take her back to their huge futuristic factory for reprogramming and dismantling. I really like the message of finding a family in unexpected circumstances and overriding natural instincts to survive by adapting to a situation. I guess this is exactly what happens when you take an animal into your home and instead of biting you the animal eventually comes to bond with you. Maybe people do this too. 

Been dreaming again. The other day I dreamt about "him" again. Mr. Ninja. The dude from my job I have kept my distance from for over a year now since I realized I was falling for a man who could never feel the same way about me for whatever reason. I suspected there was someone else. I never asked. It was just a feeling and there were all sorts of red flags. It was awkward seeing him at work sometimes and it was extremely painful to get over him but its been a year and although I can't say I don't still feel something for the guy its gotten easier for me to just go about my life pretending he doesn't exist. I suppose its easy to do this when you understand the other person had no problem walking away from you. Its weird having feelings for someone you don't want to feel anything for. Its weird that I see him everytime I see another brown skinned brother. Its weird I find myself looking for his qualities in others. Its weird he made me basically give up on relationships. How weird is it a person can come into your life and have such a strong effect on you yet have absolutely no idea. I do still find myself thinking some kind of way about Captain Africa too and we talk a bit more than usual although I keep my distance because I just don't believe he is as into me as I him. I mean there was a time when I really wanted to try and have a life with Jonathan but emotionally he is unavailable. Maybe its because he is a dad and his job takes up so much mental space or perhaps this is just how he's built. Maybe he really doesn't know how to love another man. I think alot of gay men are like this. Mentally stunted because of how so many of us are forced to live. Running from ourselves and traumatized...forced to be immature because we had to keep our feelings buried for so long. It is probably later in life that many of us are able to to function in healthy loving relationships. This may be why so many of us are Ho's. Its something though that Jonathan is actually freer now and maybe a bit more mature than he was years ago when he was living with me. 

Yesterday I dreamt of a familiar Hispanic woman singing outside and I had to open a door for her. I wonder if its possible my apt manager Marie was outside singing as she cleaned up and that made its way into my dream. Sometimes music or outside stuff is picked up and enters your dreamworld during dreaming. Also in the same dream a hispanic guy was talking with me about spirits or ghosts. I don't remember much but I think we were discussing the fact some can be rambunctious. Hope I spelled that right. Eyes have been feeling tired lately. Seems to happen certain times of the year. Could be allergies. 

Also dreamt of serving food at a shelter.

Things at work have been feeling a bit off lately. Some nights it does feel hard to go in and I think of quitting probably too much. With the lady waving the machete around at me the other day and yelling racial slurs and the people who keep sneaking into or hanging outside its hard not to think of all the possible things that could go wrong you know? Plus management doesn't really seem to care. Otherwise there would be a gate around the property. I know its the call of the wild I'm experiencing and the time for me to leave that place is nearing. Just gotta hold on a bit longer. Save up more money and focus on completing the projects I have in production. You see I really don't think I can go back to 9-5 after this job. I mean I could if I needed to but I think I'm done going to a place that constantly drains me and I'm tired of people always telling me what to do as if I were a child. You know. 

What the hell is going on with my idols? First it was madness with Michael Jackson. Then it was Bill Cosby and R Kelly. Kevin Spacey. Actually it may have all started with OJ or was it Woody Allen? But anyway now its P Diddy. (I think thats what he calls himself now) I'm just so heartbroken now and the words of the song by Donnie and Whitney haunt me "I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow... 

Forida is dealing with some crazy weather right now and my stepsister Beverly is in the hospital. She had to have surgery on her leg. Something about a nerve I think. I tried to call her yesterday but right when I did the doctors came in and needed to talk with her about something so Ima call her back today wheni get back home. Need to do laundry today and deal with this smoke alarm that has been beeping ever so often these past few days efen after I replaced the 9volt battery. Damn thing cost like $18.00! The beep isn't really loud but even though its short its pretty sharp and seems ot happen like every hour.Sometimes it really does feel like its always something. Oh yeah I went to LA Comic Con and after having a talk with my cameradude we came up with some good ideas for my podcast. "Nerds With Badges" He asked me to write a review for the new Salems Lot so sometime today (when I tear myself away from Silent Hill 2 on PS5) that will be a thing. At some point I need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with the designers of my website about everything. Also I'm going through the motions with the SonsOfLEgend script. I thought it was done but new ideas just keep coming and I still need to do a major clean up on my place. Like I said before...its always something.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 169

Its been an interesting time working here these last few weeks. We are all getting used to the new schedules and setups. I still get the idea that in some ways folks don't know what the hell they are doing but we are all allowed some screw ups. Then of course you have the nutcases and bad elements that like to hang around the property. I have had some issues over my vacation plans as well but thats a whole other conversation. Yesterday I apparently came close to being assaulted by a woman with a machete whom I walked past on patrol. She was yelling "wetback" and "securitas" and I wasn't sure who she was supposed to be talking to. If I had a dollar for how many black folks mistake me for being hispanic. I even had a brother call me a white boy one time. I have been called a white girl too. Because people are blind I guess. There was a hot guy getting naked by one of the doors and my supervisor (who has been assaulted before) wanted me to stand there with the door open being aggressive with the guy who was already preparing to leave as I'd asked him before. Theres this trans woman with a blonde wig who keeps coming into the parking gate then going down to steal donated goods from the donation area. Years ago this happened with a white car that rammed through the gate when we tried to stop them. I won't speak on my shit getting stolen last year. I still get mad when I think about it. Meanwhile apparently my shrink has to discontinue my session as she is having another baby and can't get childcare or something like that. I honestly feel I have outgrown therapy anyway. Like the kung fu master has nothing more they can teach me. Maybe another teacher can and another person is slated to take her place but I have yet to return their phone call. 

-To Be Continued-

Update* (To John Williams Greatest Hits)

Earlier during the shift there was a car of mask wearing guys with machetes driving around allegedly threatening folks. What is it with people and machetes lately? I think people have been binge watching some african movies or documentaries. The people helping me with my website seem to think I am made of money because they keep asking for more even when I try to explain to them I can't just magically whip up a grand not when I have other bills and responsibilities. They say they wanna help me set up an e commerce site but while this initially seemed like a good idea what they are asking for is ALOT and I'm thinking of pivoting to simply get the website perfected. So many ideas and sometimes its frustrating just feeling like one does not have enough time in a day to get things done. I have often thought of just getting a nice hotel room somewhere away from the clutter of my apartment so I can lose myself completely in finishing a project. Speaking of projects I finally got together a game plan for SonsOfLegend. the script for the short is done. I'm tempted to add 3 more pages that will include a romantic element. Probably a straight love because I don't wanna lose a demographic. Pretty sure SonsOfLegend will be branded WOKE and attacked by the anti-woke mob but the truth is my stuff has always been slanted towards giving everyone something they could enjoy in my work. The quality of writing and understanding of story structure wasn't always my strong suit but its all getting better. I've been doing little videos here and there for Nerds With Badges and this is surely warming me up to the crowdfunding stuff I'll be doing in the coming months. For my film projects and comic books. In a way I feel that I may have evolved to the point where thoughts of relationships and love don't matter so much anymore. I guess its a survival thing and it does bother me a bit when  I dwell on it yet I am pretty much surrounded by people who have abandoned the concepts of honorable unions of any sort. I have heard some theorize those covid drugs did something to our brains or maybe its just a powerful spiritual side effect of how much the world has changed these last four years. I feel though that I have wasted alot of time and I am now playing catch up so no time to focus on concepts that seem intangible. Other times I feel like I need to move somewhere far away from this place and maybe just maybe I can connect with some folks not corrupted by this state of weird heaviness that seems to hang in the very air I breathe. Been dreaming a bit and feeling a certain kind of way about a certain fellow who lives in Detroit because he showed up in a dream the other day. Tall. Brown skinned, bald with a mustache/goatee and I think I even caught his scent in my dream! This guy is someone I've known now for awhile. He's HIV+ tragically due to a betrayal. He's made some really insane decisions over the years and has suffered from being in bad company. He's also had some major health scares so I have managed to keep things on a friendship level. We connected via Adam 4 Adam which is one of those gay dating sites. Well it used to be one could possibly find a date there. Last I checked years ago its been taken over by raunchy ads...scammers..fake profiles...possibly bots and foreigners looking to get into your head to scam you. Actually much of the internet is trending in that direction. Catfishing is the order of the day and everybody is trying to become your fitness instructor or they wanna rope you into trading and bit coin stuff. Then theres the people who want you to "market" their products by buying their products(clothing etc). Everybody's got a con. 

P Diddy is in the news alot these days. Not in a good way. Folks are coming forward and accusing him of sexual exploitation and people trafficking. Now he's locked up and facing the possibility of being locked up for possibly forever. Meanwhile Harris and Trump are battling it out for the office of Presidency. Honestly I am still on the fence about voting this time around. I usually do but I don't care for Trump. I know that some republican ideas sound cool but if only that party had another person to represent them. Harris does seem cool but I just get this feeling something is lurking in her past or something. 

-To Be Continued- 

Updated*

(To Cinematic Autumn: Iconic Soundtracks)

Maybe she needs to come to LA and do some active campaigning because I'm not so sure what she offers that will affect my life. Its not really a big deal to me but I do wonder what her stance is on the lgbt community. I won't get mad at her if she isn't you know a fan or anything. The lgbt community in my opinion is in a strange place these days and some things that have happened over the past few years have certainly caused us to lose some goodwill from straight folks. I thnk we have become bullies and maybe a bit greedy but this is just my opinion. 

Sometimey people. Why are people like this? One day they see you and you're talking like besties then the next time they see you nothing. Only looking at you strangely as if someone cast a spell on their minds to make them treat you a certain manner. Yeah, I know folks gossip and even though one may try to stay out folks faces they will still get together to rag on people when they are not around. I'm aware I have haters. There are certainly "gate keepers" in this kings court as well. I try not to let myself be too paranoid about this shit especially since it doesn't matter so much as what folks are saying or thinking yet it creates a hostile environment. There are times when I feel like Spider-man must have felt when I used to read his comics regularly as a youngin. You show up to save the city but the people are freaked out by you as they don't get you and this is just the way they are gonna be because so many are just dumb or not raised right. There are times I wonder if I wasn't brought up with certain values would I be like so many other zombielike individuals walking around only reproducing to make more zombie lifeforms. I really do see myself as the hero who shows up to help then flies away right after like Shazam used to do on the tv show. He didn't hang around to make statements to the police or maybe he just didn't want to be in the presence of people any longer than he had to. Perhaps he knew ultimately folks would never really understand him and his otherworldy qualities would end up scaring folks who don't have the magic. Don't understand the magic. There is magic in the world. Sometimes seems elusive but if you reach for it miracles can happen. Miracles like ancestors looking out for you or an animal seeing you in distress and trying to help or even something as minor as a gentle reminder that in spite of all the world has thrown at you you are in fact still human.