Confessions of a sad superhero book 71

 I wanna know what power is

I wanna know what its like

to walk in a room

not feeling eyes on my

not knowing the things siad

hearing the whispers

feeling the not belongingness

I wanna know the respect

that comes with the power 

and the money 

and the fame

and maybe oneday 

when all the fighting is over 

all the hills jumped over

and my mind is right just maybe then 

I'll wanna know

wanna truly know

what this thing called love really is.

I wanna look in the mirror

not feeling body shame

not feeling tired 

when I am JUST waking up

weighed down with all the shit the world throws at me

people trying to kill me

with their eyes

thoughts

actions seen and unseen

trying to keep me 

trapped in the same barrel of despair they wallow in

and I really dont think they know of any other way of life

which is why their so good at hurting me

hurting others 

even while they are burning their own houses down

tainting generations to come 

with their hate 

their evil

their messed up thought patterns.

GOD knows

the gods know

spirits angels

demons

aliens from the earth

the water

outer space and beyond

you all know I have tried

wondering when if ever

are things gonna ever get easier.

I wanna know when that day is

that day when I will know what that power men dream of is coming to me.

I wanna know.

Is it today

was it yesterday 

and I passed right by it without knowing

is it tomorrow?

Was it tomorrow

in some alternate dimensions

Did I fail at the wanting in a past life 

so I am still chasing after you happiness?

I really gotta know Lord what this power is.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 70

 This morning when I got off work I noticed one prostitute being particularly aggressive about approaching cars. She actually tried to solicit one of the guards driving in. When I got off I called a Lyft and when I went out to the car this same person had walked over to the car trying to get some play. I really wish the center would do something about these people hanging out around here. 

Last week someone apparently got a hold of my credit card info and used it for a dating site. So now I am stuck waiting for the bank to send me another card. Also, the same mother fucker who has been hacking my Youtube account is at it again. Last weekend I logged into Youtube and saw someone was using my account to watch kid videos. I immediately deleted their history and bombarded them with creepy weird videos. Serial killers...horror stuff basically. They stopped but its likely not permanent. I don't get it. Why use my account to watch videos? Youtube is a free platform. 

On a more positive note I cancelled my Nerds With Badges filming for Monday because my t-shirts arrived late. I did however shoot a little video promoting them and just talking about some stuff going on in the game world. I was able to get in touch with a cinematographer so next month I'll be filming something on a more grander scale for my show. Probably have a guest or tow. Then I'll get back to filming on my webseries in Nov. Meanwhile work on my comics will be done pretty soon and after that it'll be full steam ahead on...A VIDEO GAME! 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 69

 Brother man

I am sorry.

So sorry.

We had a bad situation 

its been a year now

and you still won't look at me

won't talk to me

not like before 

and now

everytime I see you or when I'm in your presence

I feel like shit.

Like I'm nothing.

Less than nothing. 

I think in your eyes I have committed 

the ultimate sin

and theres nothing I can do to make things better.

God knows I've tried.

But You will always hate me and I need to find a way to make peace with that.

Were you ever my friend?

This is the big mystery and the truth is I likely won't ever know if 

the reason we stopped talking is real or all in my head.

All I have is speculations and memories of better days man.

Seems you have been busy spreading the word about me

and the way ya'll act sometimes 

you'd think I was the anti-christ or something.

Ima live my life man

no matter what you say or do

otherwise how empty of me

to be so full of you (right?)

Don't have time to waste on your BS.

I'm moving on

don't care what you do at this point.

I won't continue to live in this trap you have created 

The past is the past

and I have to grow

So

this ends today.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 68

 Sitting here at home and watching a documentary about Donny Hathaway. My head is full of stuff I need to get out so here I am taking advantage of this moment of clarity. I remember sometime ago when one of my supervisors threatened me with "clarity" when I questioned her about something. (I don't recall what) It does seem people put me in check or try to control me and its usually after the fact I realize what happened and then that resentment comes in. Younger people usually people not smarter than me having control over my life. Keeping me in my place. It can kinda erode your confidence and even your mental state if you're constantly in an environment like that. How many of us do truly recieve the right ammount of nurturing we need? Good question. Probably not most and then...well then you're just expected to eat it...be strong and just go about your life but just because you are sweeping the dirt under the rug don't make it disappear. 

I was off work the last few days. Had...have some sores in my mouth. Its been continous since labor day actually. Made eating seem like eating glass. Seems I'm stressed out and that may be the issue. Went to Kaiser and they gave me antibiotics. I have to go back tomorrow to pick up some special mouth rinse to ease the pain. Perhaps tomorrow I will get around to washing my laundry. Its something I dread because I have to basically waste time sitting guard in the laundry room to make sure none of my wack ass neighbors sneak into there to leave me a little "gift" in my clothes. Yeah its already happened a few times over the years. Somebody is going thru alot of trouble to make sure my brain stays traumatized from the events of the past. They can't move on so they won't let me. All of this started because I asked a little girl to stop throwing a bunch of paper outside in front of the building. Its only years later I realized that this was a special needs person but for over a decade the entire family has made it their business to come after me and...the shit is weird like my own personal horror movie that keeps gettign sequels even though theres no real need for them. I've learned to focus on my art. My life. What would I gain by ending up on the 6 oclock news for losing it and going off on a bunch of losers with nothing to lose? I know from my own personal experience you can't outrun karma forever. Oneday she catches up and if you've been particularly naughty...well it won't be pretty. Evil people are on borrowed time. Like Prince said "Parties aren't meant to last forever..."

So it does feel cool to be off work. For awhile anyway. My brain and spirit needed time for a refresh. Captain Liberia called the other day. His other daughter has moved out largely due to her being preggers. I'm shocked because she like his other daughter were brought over here from misery in Liberia and their father gave them so many opportunities. I guess its safe to say many people take things for granted or don't realize what they have until after the fact. I was a dumb kid at some point in my life and made some mistakes yet some of the things these kids are doing nowadays...yikes. My mother probably would have killed me or sent me away to a special school. Actually she did. So Captain Liberia called because he says I never do. Maybe I should try harder to care more and stop being mad at what I can't control. I can't be mad you don't love me the way I want you to but I can keep my distance so my feelings won't get hurt. 

So the madness of the world continues. (I really need to call my therapist) The Queen died. Abortion is mostly illegal. Theres a drought. (Thankfully fires are not so much happening now) A rapper got shot up in a Roscoes Chicken and waffles. Monkeypox is getting really serious out here and its hot here in LA. Its getting hot in other ways too. The crime is getting out of control to the point LA is getting a rep. Its like a joke now (like the homeless problem here) but shit is real. Don't wear jewelry out in public. Dress in sweats and carry maybe a card on you and a few bucks. Drive a low key car and if you are a celeb don't be here without your bodyguards. I was watching a video on youtube yesterday about some one who was vacationing and came home to find two homeless people had taken up residence in her apartment. Just the other night at work a man and a woman tried to enter the kitchen and senior area. Thankfully the kitchen door which was problematic just a week earlier had been fixed. We had a full on riot last week also and really the only peaceful night we had was Friday when it rained because the wackies stay away when its rainy or cold. So now we alre leaning towards us having to get monkeypox shots and you know I am so done with getting stuck with these new vaccines I know nothing about. Crazy folks are also getting mad about the little mermaid being played by a black actress. Yeah race and gender swapping is kinda tired at this point however I understand why companies do it. I mean its the elephant in the room. Would anyone give a damn about Super-mans straight son Jon? Would anybody give a rats ass about Miles Morales or Yara Flor if they were just "Zapp-sticky man" and "Goddess-halfling Latina with a bola"? I mean really. Come on now. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 67

 Had a very interesting dream today. In it I was on the road with my father like back in the old days when I would ride with him in his big truck when he did cross country delivery stuff. Seemed real. Of course. I hate that dreaded feeling of having to go to school after everything was over because of how miserable I was much of the time in school. Made me miss my dad though. I called him last week to get his mailing address so I could send him some things later. I'm embarrassed to say I forgot when his birthday is and I am reluctant to ask him. Silly I know. 

Reached out to one of the candidates for my next Nerds With Badges episode. He's a cop and big into chess, video games and...well Harry Potter. He's more excited about Hogwarts Legacy than I am. Said he's already pre-ordered. Lets just see if it actually releases on time this time around I say. Potters creator has been in hot water recently with the LGBT community in regards to trans-related statements. Now just like Whoopi Goldberg I don't think she genuinely meant any harm with her statements but we live in an age where people are super sensitive and can misrepresent who you are in a split second. Never mind the fact your entire life body of work cements the fact you are an ally. We are all walking on eggshells afraid to offend somebody and its gotten to the point you have to even be careful about telling jokes. I suppose its not always easy to put the art before the artist. But we have to otherwise...well you dig deep enough you're probably gonna find out something bad about somebody you like. Thats all I'm saying.

An ex-flame of mine wants to come into town in a few months so he reached out to me about what he should do when he gets here. Where to go. I thought it was something he reached out to me because romantically things with us were just awful. Not ALL awful but bad enough I can't go back there again since I have trouble believing things would be different. So yeah he's cute and I am still in like with him yet what should I do in this situation??? Oh yeah Captain Liberia seems to have finally ghosted me since I really don't call him. I do think about him but I just don't really find myself getting excited about somebody I don't think is being honest about certain things. Its none of my business if you have someone else but at least have the decency to tell me the truth... So now I realize why I am going thru that "I don't have "trust energy" for these guys out here right now. Its that and other stuff too. I'm working on my life right now and don't feel I can offer much until my foundation is stronger. There it is. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 66

 Sometimes it feels like I could be just that close to finding a way to stay zen and peaceful while continuing to mind my business but it appears I have a new enemy here at work that I need to watch out for. Last week someone told me that a new maintenance supervisor asked her if she had to wait long to get into the gate or if someone mentioned it to her. I had let dude in earlier so I asked him if he had to wait to get in that night because i recall letting him and another car in to the gate. He said no but then today my supervisor asked me if I could put my computer away because maintenance workers said it was expensive computer equipment that they cleaned around for fear of damaging something. So every night I come in early and to get a space to myself on the 2nd floor away from people while getting my self in the zone for work I hook up my gaming laptop and play some games while enjoying a cup of coffee. This is something I have been doing this since like last year I think and I figured it must have been someone new that brought this up and sure enough I find out dude took photos of my gaming set-up which he showed to my bosses and even though the other supervisor had no problem with me he wanted to make a big deal out of it so now everytime I use my laptop I have to shut it down and put it away supposedly to make life easier for maintenance workers who told me they have no issue with my laptop being up there on that table in the conference room which I myself clean every night before I use it. I never make a mess and if I do spill a few crumbs its always cleaned up by me. The trash might have a few cups in it but thats really all the traces left by me. I dunno. This whole thing just feels like a power play to me and in spite of the crazy night we had (there was a disturbing mob scene outside and we had to call the cops to break it up because folks were fighting in the street as we are strictly hands-off although it was said in the past after an incident last year we'd get some training in that regard) and other stuff we deal with here its strange the things some folks trip off of. Anyway I guess I may have to find somewhere else to go because of this guy because the management refuses to give security an office onsite. A place where we can go and have quiet time or take a nap on a break. There are literally glass walls everywhere except the restrooms. Whose idea was it to take away our privacy and why would somebody do that? Asking for a friend.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 65

 I'm here at work listening to Oleta Adams awe inspiring "Circle of One" album on Spotify. The songs always bring back memories because when I first came to Cali I was staying with my cousin Lin and she had this cd which I'd listen to often. Oleta has such a unique voice. Its interesting that so many of my musical heroes...are are heroines. Women...mostly black women imparting strength and wisdom thru the gift of song. I try to keep it balance really. I mean to say I've quite the assortment of musical teachers who are men but it does seem most of my musical teachers are women. Listening to Oleta's powerful voice and the rich arrangements makes me wish I could go back in time. I feel that I have wasted alot of time in my life. In this crazy world that is very much like a jungle. There are no lions tigers or bears trying to kill me but there are certainly plenty of people who have tried their best over the years. In this world one struggles tries to find some peace. We get moments of it and they never seem to last long enough. I spend so much time chasing my dreams...making sure my bills are paid while at the same time I'm trying my best to recover from all the events which have scarred my psyche. At times its heartbreaking seeing friends and older relatives wither away as I stay away working on myself telling myself....just alittle longer then I'll be okay enough to really have these healthy relationships then I think back to what Madonna said recently in a video she did "None of this is real" Was she talking about life in general or just Hollywood?

We are going into a three day weekend. Not sure what I'll end up doing. The plan is to do the laundry (which is something I have put off since its usually so time consuming. I have to sit in the laundry room to watch my clothes since my nutty neighbors have placed nasty things in the machines with my clothes) I need to do a serious clean up in my place. I've been packing things in storage boxes and was planning to pack more this weekend yet Amazon somehow screwed up my order of a new box. I use these big plastic see thru boxes. The plan is to eventually start putting these boxes into a storage unit. Probably before the year is out. Also I would love to go to an amusement park even if its gonna be full of muggles this weekend but I need to save my money and figure out what I'm gonna do with the Nerds With Badges video series. I did a quick video last month and like nobody watched it. I'm gonna up the quality and see if that helps to grab more viewers. The lady helping me with social media says more simple raw type videos are what folks like these days but I dont know. Could just be I'm not cool or popular enough. I guess its a good thing most of what I do isn't to gain popularity votes. I enjoy being creative and doing videos but it would be nice if these were things I could actually have an income from you know? As opposed to going to a workplace that is seemingly becoming more and more populated with "zombies" or folks who don't get or uplift me in any way. This place has felt like a second home for me for awhile now and I try to keep that feeling to make the most of the time I will need to stay till its time to go but it hasn't been getting any easier. I try to imagine working in a creative environment.  I even try to imagine working in a police type establishment. They have asked me here if I wanna be a supervisor but I declined. It's just that I've seen so many supervisors come and go. Thats hardly encouraging. Yeah it would give me more money but none of the supervisors here in any of the departments really seem happy. When I leave this job I don't wanna go into another one that won't make me happy. Truth be told I am of the mind I need to sit down and really figure how to work for myself. 

Which brings us to... A certain person from my past called me up out the blue yesterday. He used to work with me on my projects. Now he's looking towards working in real estate full time. Its weird that he called because I figured dude was out of my life. This is someone I considered a friend until he basically help derail my SonsofLegend series. He has ownership of some of my concepts and has ordered me to take down some of my videos off Youtube. Keep in mind this is all stuff I worked on pouring blood sweat and tears into over the years. See I was building something and had a plan for my own connected universe way before Marvel or DC started their own but now sometimes when I sit down to work on material I am reminded of what I was doing before and the fact people I loved and trusted took something in an attempt to create something "better". They say its important to forgive and move on but man sometimes when you get cut the cuts are so damn deep. I am learning that in Hollywood talent is abused often and treated as a commodity. Writers are taken advantage of. Directors are shut out of projects they started because the man wants to make something thats more marketable. Singers and actors are traumatized and cheapened to the point they lose morality and its like some evil angry force is just making folks lose their minds...certainly losing their ability to create anything hence all the constant remakes. Its a crazy cycle and as I grow to be more into this industry I wonder if I'm plowing ever so gradually into yet another jungle full of shark tooth individuals yearning to devour me. All this is to say I can understand why some folks up and leave Hollywood behind never to return. How then does one balance that tightrope walk? I wanna go into business for myself but I don't want to lose myself in the process. Geez. Am I gonna have to go to the mafia to get a loan for my films? I already bite my tongue to keep the peace in some aspects of my life and I find myself wondering if this is holding me back. They say listen more and say less. Maybe I am just not around the people who are saying what I want or need to hear. At times I think real estate dude feels bad about what happened. alot went down and all of us made mistakes but I don't think I can ever trust him again. Even if I did kinda have a crush on him I think a part of me is gonna be mad at him for quite some time to come and I don't wish to get into an emotionla conversation where I just explode with how much resentment I felt/feel because as it stands I'm doing a good job of processing and moving on from that failed business partnership. Its tricky being angry at someone you like but time makes it easier to walk away from something that was bad for you. No matter how tempting it might be. I'm sure somebody famous said that. I need to throw myself back fully into my art like I did back in the day so my mind won't be wrapped up in foolishness. "If it don't make dollars it don't make sense" is a saying that can be taken in so many ways.