Got a little bit of excitement this morning at work while I was patrolling down in one of the parking areas. It was waaaaay in the back where a bunch of construction materials were that I picked up an all too familiar scent. One of my relatives used to come around and visit my father back when I was a youngin. He always had a particular smell because he drank alot of alcohol. So I recognized that scent on my patrol and noticed some things in the area seemed out of place. I moved in for a closer look and thats when a pittbull started growling at me. He/she was laying next to a white guy wearing a red and white striped shirt. This guy sat up rubbing his eyes and looking out of it. I told him he had to leave and he started apologizing and saying he didn't want any trouble. Said he'd gone out to a club and some other mess. I took out my little ipod touch so I could get some photos/videos in case people didn't believe me when I reported it. Now you know my nerves are kinda bad right now so my heart was beating real fast like. Dude left in a hurry because when I went back after stepping away for a moment he was gone. I did see him leaving when I went topside. He was like I'm sorry man. He also wasn't happy when he noticed I was videoing him. Honestly I am just surprised it took this long for me to walk up on someone down there.

HUMBLE PIE AND THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

Sir Nathan said he didn't really have anything else without God
other than his acting.
I didn't know what to say. We were talking about religion and how people believe so many crazy things. I'd mentioned religion because of a conversation I'd had with an artist earlier.
It was about how people believe so strongly these things that have been drilled into them
even if it defies logic
they will kill to hold on to those things.

I long for someone
he's close
So close at times I can touch him
yet he might as well be on another planet I can't fly to.
Then the other guy
he lives so far away and its funny
nowadays I'm starting to get the idea
he actually really does care
so much more than he did before.

I'll be soon going in to speak with a head shrink
someone who can help me
with the sudden waking up
erratic heartbeating
and states of general panic
then I can find out if I can keep working at the job
I'd say my job
but I'm not so sure if I belong there anymore.
I could leave
I'd be free
and my spirit would certainly soar
no more chains
but folks are saying I shouldn't quit
without security.
I try to explain to The Dangerous African
and he doesn't seem to understand my faith
in these gifts the higher power cultivated within me
These gifts inspire but they can help me survive too.
I guess its easy to disbelieve when you don't know any artists
people confident in their power
using their powers to live.

My nerves are shot
and working a 9-5 was only supposed to be a limited series.
The stupid studio execs just kept churning out
bad product until they wore out their welcome.
People stopped liking their stupid shows
and responded with violence because
the stupid studio execs JUST WOULDN'T LEAVE
OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL.

I'm tired of being a stupid studio exec.
Tired of social media throttling my flow
Tired of lost souls &
people dumber than me
coming for me
Its a kind of manufactured gravity to weigh one down.
Gotta fly from these malevolent forces
hidden or
right up in my face
trying to control my life.
I feel like
if I keep playing it safe
I run the risk of losing whats left of sanity
of spirit.

I need a time out
need to gather my wits
heal these mental scars

I need to go someplace where I can be who I'm meant to be.

Time to leave the hood.

Man have my legs been bothering me. I don't know what the hell is going on. Is it poor circulation because of my diet? Sitting or is it stress related? The nurse I spoke to on Monday when I went to Kaiser said that stress can cause this. I had to go for anxiety that was triggered last week at work when I had a nasty confrontation with a co-worker who persisted on taking the desk at the start of the shift. We'd just started working together and dude seemed cool. Really cool but like most people I guess its all about self because he tried to get me in trouble by logging down some stuff in our DAR. Its weird that as crazy as that night was I don't really think I'm upset at him. Its really just a matter of things building up inside and just stress and anxiety and next thing I knew I was having some kind of out of body experience. Why do I say out of body? Well I was in the shower this morning and it really hit me I have kinda been out of it with my projects. I have tried to be productive and even started writing and talked to people about collaborating on stuff yet as far as Sasquatch and other ongoing projects I drew a blank spot since Thursday night. Thats not like me. Especially since filming date is fast approaching. Saturdays audition didnt happen because a main actor cancelled saying his car was broken into. What a coincidence that it happened two days before an audition huh? Now I know things happen and he could have been telling the truth yet....I dunno.

So now I am on medication to help bring me down from the adrenalin rush lingering from last Thursday. And I have to call to make an appointment to see a specialist today. Its crazy how in one instant your life can change. One thing can cause a reaction. I've been doing good for awhile. Avoiding certain types of people and events. Working nights. Trying to stay focused yet it feels I have reached some breaking point and security is something I'm gonna need to leave behind sooner than later. I can't keep putting myself in stressful situations and expect my nerves to repair. Angry people. Potentially dangerous environments. Constant changes at work. It could be that I am too friendly too which is one reason why people seem to come for me so often in life situations. I'm starting to really understand and respect the art of being silent and to yourself in many life situations. Thing is as important as these life lessons are one cannot let oneself shut off completely from the world. After all not everybody is out to get me (even though it seems that way at times) Sometimes people do seem self-centered or conceited when they stay to themselves. That might not be true. It might also not be true they are socially awkward. Sometimes you protect yourself by staying to yourself.  We have to guard ourselves and learn to recognize things in people. Its not always easy to quickly access a person and see if they are a threat you know? In the Matrix Morpheus basically told Neo not to trust anyone else unless they are "woke". Its so funny how art can give solutions to life stuff. Then again much of art is inspired from life I suppose. I think I will be okay so long as I realize I am just visiting this job. I am there to provide a service and collect a check. Nothing there has an emotional connection to me. It doesn't matter who gets to the desk first just like it doesn't matter that people get upset when I ask them to not hang around the property. I should not be talking to people on a personal level. Well except for maybe the ninja and Mike and maybe "The Dell". Can't get comfortable there. Try to leave what happens at the job at the job. Focus on dispelling anger or anxiety to prevent build up or explosions or panic attacks. Also DON'T allow people to infect me with negative energy because that shit can stick to you and cling for days. And if things feel really bad then take a mental health day off work to deal with the shit going on in my head. Right now its still heavy on my mind "Do I return to work tomorrow?" Like I said before its not really about the stupid desk because I have no problem patrolling first or whatever. Its really about me working at a job longer than I should have and just knowing its time to get out. Feeling frustration over some things at work that might not change. Worrying about projects. Worrying about so many things in life....lack of things and then this feeling of putting up with things then knowing I deserve so much more and feelings sometimes of helplessness....wanting to just run away from everything....feeling so much uncertainty and keeping it all at bay then that dam breaks and it all just comes rushing out. You feel embarrassed it happened. Your nreves are fired up. Its not just about what just happened. Its just about EVERTHING that has ever happened. And the adrenalin flow....the shit just doesn't shut off and you're just left feeling scared it could happen again and it could be worse the next time. And I guess that why until further notice Sergio has to take that oh so small yet so mighty tiny white awful tasting pill (and a half) once a day. Welcome to -the real- indeed.

REJECTION OF A STEALTH FIGHTER

I thought it was me

Thought it was

The gay thing

Thought maybe that was why

You are so distant.

I thought maybe

It was my crazy.

Then one day you said

“Don’t think because you’re light skinned you’re one of them”

And that stuck with me

Because now I’m thinking

Maybe the real reason he’s distant

Is because of something else I can’t change.

I can’t change my complexion.

You see I never had a chance from the get go.

(If I’m right)

 ****

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

I think I’m in trouble

I think I’m in love with the enemy

Know its wrong

But everytime those images come

I rise

Thinking of that skin

Those strong arms and that smile.

It all belongs to the one I trusted

The one I feel betrayed me

Ripped out a part of me

Ran with it

He’s still running

Running towards some

Elusive prize

Be damned how I feel.

And I

I can’t make sense of the need

To feel him inside me.

It makes no sense really

So its my big secret.

Even if I think he already knows.

6.14.2019

(Eating pizza S/O Julio gave me!) This has been a pretty busy shift so far. Barely got enough sleep so it’s a good thing. All the running around is keeping me up. The Monster energy drink is still here on my desk on standby. Both my bosses dropped by tonight too. The first thing I asked was “What did I do this time?” and that was followed by laughter. It was just a routine visit (and also I heard someone got in trouble behind some keys) Speaking of keys another guard lost his car keys and now its gonna cost him $500.00. Just when you thought you had problems.

I wonder what Brianopolis wanted. Merely taking like five seconds to tell him I was rushing out to work caused me to miss a bus. 

Still waiting to hear back from my actor on whether or not he can get me into E3. Perhaps he forgot? 

Had to block yet another person on Facebook. Why? Well when he (possibly she) would not video chat (claims they don't know me that well although FB messenger told me they were on another call when I tried to call them) it just made me suspicious. I got the feeling this individual was gonna try to play me. I believe they have a fake profile. They had like three old photos of themselves and even the photos of their city (supposedly Chi town) looked OLD. Coulda been another one of these African guys/women from Ghana or Nigeria who try to get into your head then often try to bleed you for money. I'm just not interested in being manipulated by anyone. I have enough things to worry about. Like Stanzilla my ex used to say "If it don't make dollars it don't make sense" Too many of these African guys out here giving their region a bad name by trying to scam other people. Especially other Black folks as if we don't already have enough craziness to deal with. 

Speaking of Africans The dangerous African called me so I need to call him back. Maybe he can give me the exact date he will be coming next month so I can try to get time off.  Regarding other men from “Dem Islands” I spoke briefly to me Belizean friend. I didn’t wanna ignore his calls cause I hates it when other folks do that shit to me. He want ed to meet up this weekend. I really want to work on cleaning up my place and I gotta be careful not to spend money I don’t have to so I told him next weekend could work. Mostly I don’t think I can date anyone right now because there are so many things in my life I need to fix. My career. My body. My finances. I’m planning to move and plus my feelings for The Sneaky African seem to be intensifying. He really is the only man who I spend a lot of time thinking about. (Yes I have several nicknames for Jonathan.)

It seems funny to me that even though its nice to look at hot men mostly I look at them and feel nothing other than a sense of knowing I’m not on their level. Or its very likely we just won’t click. Never really clicked with jocks on a sexual level you know. I have had some cool friendships with jocks but many of these guys would never date someone like me unless I had a lot of money. I just don’t kid myself and stay in my lane. I have said this before that I just don't seem to be sexually attractive to American Black men. Not blerds either (They seem to largely prefer white guys or other races) I think I'm just not masculine enough. (Interestingly enough the word "Toxic Masculinity" is getting tossed around alot these days. So is MA'AM but thats a whole nother conversation) The Crazy African is funny. He’s cool and has a very calm disposition about life even though he has been thru a lot of shit. He actually inspires me in a way. The fact he has a nice body and mindblowing sex is just incredible because to find all these qualities in one man….well it does feel like looking for a needle in a haystack.  When you get to where you’re comparing every guy with someone you know then you are probably in serious like with that person. It would be something if the soulmate I doubted ever existed was right under my nose all this time and he is in fact The Dangerous African. (He earned that nickname for almost destroying my microwave and also because once he “puts it down” those hooks stay in. I told him he has voodoo powers. Sex with this guy is a spiritual experience. Thats part of how he earned the nickname King of Fargo....

I finally reached out to the actors today with a shoot date for Sasquatch and the Sisterhood Mythology.  I’ll talk with the director maybe sometime over the weekend. I need to come up with a strict budget per episode. As much of a pain that will be it’ll help me get an idea of what types of effects make sense. Now I’m starting to understand why Steven wants to work on the script. There are some effects in there that are gonna be difficult to pull off with the budget I have. It’ll make life easier just being….well being more realistic. Perhaps I should keep the heavy effects type stories for my comics and cartoons. Speaking of cartoons I still have not really done anything with the Detector Pig cartoon I had made years ago. I’d like to continue his story at least in comic book form sooner than later. I’d still like to do a video game too. Talked with one of my actors from before who has worked with me on fight coordination for some projects. He says he’d like to work together again. But he was talking more about a barter type arrangement as opposed to monetary. He does believe in my story concepts and understands where I’m coming from because he’s a blerd himself. A hot blerd too. But most importantly he gets me and his martial arts prowess is unmatched by anyone I have ever met. He is open to whipping me in shape. I did one training session with him and was sore for like a week but he can turn me into a bad ass like he is. That way I won’t look like an idiot on camera plus I can do my own stunts. We may have a sit down in a week or two. I was gonna have the writer who worked with me on my still somewhat on the backburner full length SOL script from last year come direct Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood. She’s also gonna help me go back to fix some of the story elements I have to remove from the script as I no longer own the rights to Daughters Of Legend. Thing is she is kinda high so I’m on the fence now about using her. Then again she will make it high quality and she has some killer contacts in the industry. She can get my stuff in front of the right people. I have good concepts which are capable of boosting both our careers if the right people get involved. As it stands I don’t feel the right folks are seeing my material. My target audience or investors who would love to support me. I keep thinking this videogame get together idea I have could be a good networking opportunity even as it gives me some social instruction and a way to express my knowledge of pop culture. Something I seem to be obsessed with. I think I need another console though because of the wear and tear you know? Gotta decide which console to get. Next year Sony and Microsoft are coming out with new consoles. I’d prefer to get one of those but I ain’t waiting till next year. Need to figure out some kind of a screening process for who I will invite too. Will it be just blerds? Cool down to earth blerds who don’t have attitude problems or desires to steal my shit. I just want good energy around me. Its important. The thought of charging $5.00 per person has crossed my mind as it will help cover costs of renting the room and also help with the funding of projects. But to get people to even come I might need some sort of incentive. Like a giveaway. This is something I have seen people do on sites and on youtube to generate viewer participation. If I give away stuff that’s too expensive then it defeats the purpose. However if I could get some local businesses I patronize involved….hmmm. Could be some free donations….food….gift cards or even having them sponsor my events so I’m not having to come out of pocket with a lot of moolah. Looks like its time for me to hit the pavement. Might also be time to think about the benefits of having a roommate situation. Yeah I can’t believe I’m thinking of that either.

6.13.2019

At 12:00am I was barely getting set up here at work at the other post in the back when a white guy practically ran into the alley. I knew what he was gonna do so I jumped up out of my chair so I could run over open the door and yell at him to stop. Dude had already unzipped his pants and was about to pee. He went “I’m stopping I’m stopping” and “Good catch” He also mumbled something about wishing 7/11 would let him use the restroom.  It happened again with another white guy. This was around 1:45am. A homeless man this time. I barely got to him in time to stop him. These guys must have the power to unzip at super speed. Lord my life. Just gotta hang in here until I can save up enough moolah to move out of Cali.

I had to run for the bus again last night. I was waiting for a long time for the usual express bus but it never came. So when I noticed the regular route bus I had to dash across the street like a maniac and luckily the driver saw me coming and waited a few moments. She told me the express bus may have broken down or something. I think she also said she saw it behind her. This kinda weird acting black guy who was sitting near me took a plastic bottle he was drinking from and kinda crumpled it in between the seats. I guess he left it there. It amazes me how people can just litter with no concern for the environment. Earlier in the day a guy I always talk to on the bus (another guard from a different company) simply put a can of energy drink he was drinking from down on the ground and left it standing there when the bus pulled up. (Man is this A/C kicking in here. I was shocked the guard I’m rotating with complained because he always turns the thermostat down to 62 in the lobby and I turn it back up to 70) Ironically the thermostat in here is stuck at 62. I’m so glad my new long sleeve and jacket came earlier in the day. My higher power was looking out for me.

I was listening to KCRW earlier and I heard something about Donald Tramp. Er Trump trying to get executive privilege to basically protect him from any legal action I guess. Theres been a lot of drama these last few years with the democratic party trying to find evidence that Russia helped his election happen. Now all kinds of stuff is coming up about his financial dealings and he won’t reveal his tax records. Also this Mueller report came out that has some stuff in it that supposedly implicates him in some shadey dealings. Some dude was supposed to testify but he basically ignored the court summons and its all such a mess. I’m so tired of hearing about Donald Trumps scandals and Tariffs or strange things he’s doing that’s making a lot of enemies for the US. I’m bewildered he has any support at all by this point but here we are years into his presidency. Whats even more mind boggling to me is the fact he might actually win another election. I say that because….well he won the first time around which made no sense. Nothing makes sense when someone with no political background and a questionable ethics system can win over candidates who are much more qualified for the job. He has accomplished NOTHING and lies about so many things. I respected him on Apprentice but that was before I came to see how messed up he is as a person.

I went to the movies with my movie buddy again. I’m pretty much convinced he’s straight. He’s young. Cute. Funny. I guess he’s a blerd too. (A black person who is a nerd) I am trying to get comfy with that word. It brings back some painful memories from my youth. Anyway its kind of a social experiment for me. You know. Trying to see how I can be when interacting with humans. Over the last 10-15 years (maybe more) I’ve kinda turned into a hermit. A shadow of who I was. A lot of it comes from rejections. Being around fucked up individuals plus having to deal with neighbors who I am convinced are trying to turn me into a serial killer because of the crazy things they have done to me. Most things I cannot prove because they are sneaky and smart enough to avoid detection. I have had packages taken. People have spit on my door. I have had soiled panties put in the dryer with my clothes and chewing gum stuck in my door keyhole. Someone even sent the police to my house one night. These people are lucky we didn’t have video cameras in the hallways years ago. Its very likely in a perfect world of justice I’d have a hell of a lawsuit but since its just my word against theirs I have to grin and bear their presence until I can move next year. Well unless I come into money before then by a book deal or a film etc. In all my life I have seen the evil men can do to each other but these people have really taken it to a whole other level and I can’t even imagine what they would do to someone who really was a threat to them. I have merely fought to survive their shit for at least 15 years. I believe ONE female is behind all of this so that’s why in my “SonsofLegend Universe” the main villain behind everything is a woman named Oasis.

An old flame resurfaced yesterday. We went out waaaaaay back in the day. I think he’s from Belize. Nice guy and all. Probably was triggered by some new photos I put up on social media yesterday. I am not really into feeling him and I don’t think it would be a good idea to date someone else who is not at least partially a Blerd. Been there done that. Even though I looooove men from DEM ISLANDS. African. Belize. Puerto Rican. Haiti. Etc. I dunno what it is with me and American Black men. They either ignore me or just give me this look like I don’t belong or something. Is it in my mind? I was on my way to work and this black guy walked past me and gave me a cold look when I tried to acknowledge him As a defense mechanism I guess I tell myself I should know better and that I should expect hostility from brothas. So I shouldn’t be surprised when I get dissed. Then when someone could actually be trying to be friendly in their own weird way I put up walls because I’m getting mixed signals which makes me give off mixed signals. Then every now and then I read a poem or see something someone else wrote online about how dejected and unworthy they felt until they met someone who got them to believe again you know? I have been rejected by men so much I honestly believe its starting to awaken some bisexual feelings I never had before. Thing is women to me are in a sexual sense icky. Many of my heroes are women because most men are idiots but that does not mean I lay awake at night fantasizing about sleeping with them. Why do I say most men are idiots? Well how often do you hear about women going around and beating up people or being serial killers? How often have you heard of women terrorists? School shooters or rapists? How often have you heard about any woman killing some guy because he was gay? Yes guys are awesome and I owe a lot to some who have helped me or inspired me yet many of my most horrifying experiences/memories in life came about due to the actions of a dude either directly or indirectly. So whatever.  

The guy from Belize has resurfaced before. He’s looking a lot better these days too. I dunno. Theres this guy on social media who has been liking a lot of my photos lately. I think he’s hot. He has that perfect blend of ruggedness and handsomeness I like. Beautiful brown skin and he has a nice body too. He also is a father. I just have reservations about dating guys with kids because well its like if someone has a pet or a kid they have to like you. Just like friends and family of that guy have to like you.  It can be a hassle and I had some bad experiences which make me wanna date loners yet these are the types of guys who generally tend to have the most issues when it comes to being in relationships you know? I guess it couldn’t be a bad thing for me to overcome some of my social awkwardness or shyness. Sometimes I do get the feeling I’m not supposed to be this way only I let some messed up folks affect the light inside that wants to shine. That may have come across cornier than how it sounded in my mind. I am thinking of forming a movie group or a video game type of social club to help me connect with other people and fix some of my issues. The comics,videogames and artistic endeavors help but its time to crack this shell. At least alittle bit.

A couple of buddies asked me if they could crash at my place because they have fallen upon hard times. One is a dude who does art for me often. His car got towed and thats where he's been sleeping since he lost his apartment awhile back. He's been spending alot of time in coffee shops too. I was tempted to let him come stay with me. God knows I sure could use some help cleaning up my place. But right now my apartment is so cluttered because of all those months I spent in a deep depression mode I am still fighting to bounce back from. I don't know if I can stand having someone else in such close quarters. My place is small enough as it is. Someone else who lives in Detroit wanted to come stay with me. he's a rapper who I came into contact with years ago when I was looking for some music for my one of my webseries. He like my artist friend is straight so that already automatically means things will be awkward. I don't care what anyone says, It is almost always gonna be awkward being friends with a straight man. Not so much women but they can be awkward too. Dude has a temper on him too. I have observed from a distance some of the crazy situations he's gotten himself in because he posts things about his life on social media. He has a tendacy to get himself in messed up situations too. No I don't think he's a bad person. I don't even know what kinda energy he has so it would be too idealistic to just let someone you haven't been around in your space. Perhaps I can let him come visit. As long as there is a return trip ticket. Don't get me wrong a roomie could work out if I have my own room. Which I would not have in this situation. The other person is an actor who worked with me on a project I have all but banished into nothingness. I'd still like to revisit the project because I was on a mission to turn all of my published stories into short films. I got sidetracked mostly because of attempts to modernize the stories instead of just leaving them how they are. Dude got into with family members and was forced to leave. He's a gay guy. Kinda cute. A little fruity but he's cool. I feel bad for his his situation but he's got access to his gym and he is able to go back to get things from his family. I have been attracted to this guy for a minute but my "bottom sense" in his presence so theres that. Its strange that mostly the idea of having sex with anybody feels like....something that might not ever happen again. So I see people who are hot then its like in the back of my mind I'm thinking they would never wanna be with someone like me. I went all off topic. I guess that was all to say mentally I'm getting to a place where I'm starting to only really worry about how I feel about me. I'd like to get in better shape. I'd like to travel more. I'd like to get to where I'm better off financially and to a place where I am only doing what I want workwise. Most guys just seem to be morons and at best a distraction I simply can't waste energy on anymore. So having some guy around me who might kinda know I feel some kinda way but they don't....well I just don't wanna be manipulated. Ain't nobody got time for that.

The Sneaky African said he was gonna beat my butt if he comes here and this place is junky. He's planning to come in July so that gives me at least a month to get it together. I need to probably clean this carpet. I need to throw out this bed and get a couch bed. I want to get another tv. A flat screen and throw the big box tv out or give it away. That way when I have guests over we won't be crowded around my small flat screen. I think its about 25inches. One of my actors who I went to the movies with recently wants to come over and I have been basically stalling because I don't want anyone over here to see how it looks now. Its kinda hard for me to throw stuff away and storage costs might be high but storage would be the quick and easy way to get some of this stuff out of here. Don't wanna just start throwing away things you know? They say if you haven't worn something in 6 months you should toss it. I have two more days of vacation left so maybe I can fill a couple of trash bags with undesirables and decide whether to donate or throw them out. Been putting this shit off too long. Could ask one of the guys to come stay here a few days and then instead of asking them for money I can request their help in moving some things around. It was hard not letting them come the other night and I felt bad advising my artist dude he could find refuge in Denny's or on late night trains or buses. You know its hard to get people to leave at times once you let them in right? Thats what I'm worried about. I've had some bad roommate situations. Just don't want no mess. So if I do do this brief thing I need to let people know there is a clear time to go because my manager would be pissed if I let someone stay longer than 2 weeks. Ain't nobody else's name going on my rental agreement. I did it with The Sneaky African because he was a gem. Most other people are NOT a joy to live with or to be around. I gotta think more on this shit. Damn.