Confessions of a sad superhero book 133

 The New Year is here and its already feeling newer no pun intended. In some ways things are still the same though. People are still fighting and killing each other and I think we waste time on so many things while giving little attention to the things that really matter the most. Earlier in the day I was on Instagram and clicked on one of those videos with a warning about how the content was disturbing and I saw two men fighting and one of the men fell right off the train platform into the path of an oncoming train. Dude never had a chance. How many people die needlessly every five minutes and even witnessing something like that have we become numb to this? Sometimes I feel that my brain is trying to process so much at any given time its no wonder I've been finding myself feeling just...exhausted so much of the time. I get up...I go to work and then I'm right back at home again. I try to squeeze in time to do the things I really enjoy you know...watching tv, playing some games and then you gotta eat, shower, buy groceries. Try to squeeze in time to do the laundry. Squeeze in the time to call some peeps. Do some business. And we have just two days to recover from it all then we're right back into the routine. I had an interesting talk with an Uber driver tonight about how in his country (Iran) 40+ years ago their president wanted to give people four-day work weeks and the US played a big role in that not happening. We talked about the big homeless problem here in LA and how money and resources are being funneled elsewhere while here...we have so many problems to fix. We talked about all the rich and powerful Jews and Persian Jewish who own so much and could be doing so much more with their power as far as changing things. We talked about how some folks have so much money and power they control EVERYTHING. Politics. Law enforcement. Media coverage and how the public perceives certain things. We talked also about how so many people walk around not really giving a damn about whats going on in the world around them. People don't wanna get involved with politics or whats going on in their government and some refuse to vote. If they even know who their leaders are. Its always refreshing to connect intellectually with another person you know? With me its not always videogames, comic books, and superpowers. Even though folks outside looking in get that and some want to change me I have always been that multifaceted intellectual yet quirky individual trying to use what he has to survive in this ever-changing and complicated world we live in. Most will never see that. They will never see past my skin or social awkwardness but perhaps with the words I write here future generations will get a better picture of this man that I am...this man who is like Captain America a superhero twisted by fate and circumstance into something much greater to survive. I feel like Cap who woke up to find he was in a world that had changed so much he could barely recognize it from how it used to be. No matter how wonderous this world can be at times with all the marvels and advancements I can't help but at times wish I could go back to simpler times.

Finally caved in and got myself a bigger tv. Its a 43-inch TCL 4K 2023 smart tv. My Xbox Series S looks REALLY good on it. Its too bad my internet is so janky because its a struggle to stream 4K content. Still what with how crazy these companies are getting with digital content there has been some sort of movement to revive the physical media format even as some store chains are cutting that shelf space. Some companies remove your digital purchases over time for a variety of reasons. This has been getting more and more press recently. Folks who bought movies and games digitally going back to find out they can no longer access the content that they paid for. Been there do that and hated it. So I guess it really is a good time for me to be thinking about getting me a stand alone 4K disc player for my new tv. After I get my player that will be the end of most luxury spending for me as I move closer to production on SonsOfLegend. This was to originally be a short but I've decided I wanna do a full length project. This will bring me back into the realm of crowdfunding to raise the money and its something I feel confident in now that I saw the success of the kickstarter to fund my Dragonmanx comicbook. So much of my time and resources and concentration will be on this film for awhile I think its safe to say. But it feels good to be moving towards something. Much better than spending time thinking about dating or so overwhelmed by things going on that my mind feels numbed some times from it all. I honestly believe I am done with dating and a love life. These are things that have not worked out for me and in the past and considering how low my last attempt at being with someone took me I realize some of us are simply not meant to have such things. I've had some good situations true but its mostly been pretty dangerous for me and well...I can't look back at this point. In order for some of us to get what we want in life we have to give up some things. Is it fair? Does it make sense? Maybe it does. The more focused I am on chasing building my empire the more progress in life I make. So I won't speak for anyone else but for myself it definitely is a trade-off. Sometimes when I think of how invested I used to be in finding "that" LTR it is akin to hearing a faint whisper in my mind. I do dream frequently yet some dreams have to die for us to live. Having said all that I still believe one day I may find myself within some much-needed family dynamic but the romance phase...its just done. One thing I have been thinking about lately is getting me a fur baby. I think it would be cool having someone else to look after as it is my belief that animals are like spiritual air fresheners. Not a dog. Not a cat. Something smaller and low maintenance. What exactly? Perhaps a rat. Maybe a mouse. Could be something like a Chinchilla. Not big on rabbits. Not saying I don't like them but my experience with rabbits and even hamsters hasn't been that great. Gerbils and ferrets are nice but ferrets and gerbils are illegal here in Cali so theres that. Birds are cool but I don't really want one of those. Also, it would feel weird having someone who can fly confined in a space much of the time. Probably sometime this year when I've cleaned out the clutter from my place I'll get myself a critter. Whether or not I can bring them on trips is gonna be a bridge to cross when its time. Would be cool though to bring said fur baby home with me when I go visit family. Another thing over the years I've pondered is getting an emotional support animal. Your pets are that anyway (unofficially) but when its actually official you get more perks.

Earlier it was brought to my attention one of my supervisors sent me an email about me having my bluetooth speaker here at the desk to listen to music. Its strange that after a year he suddenly wants to take away something that helps keep my mind together at this place. A year ago I had a similar issue with a supervisor and it led to us having a big meeting and that resulted in upper management saying it was cool for me to have music. I tried to explain this to dude but he wasn't hearing it. I swear sometimes I feel that always having to look over my shoulder or having someone telling me what to do is stunting my development in some ways. What is it like to get up and go to work when you feel like it? What is it like to sign your own checks or to not to have to answer to anyone? I've never had that feeling of control in my life. Sometimes its like Magneto told Pyro about being a scorpion among ants. Someone with so much potential being controlled by lesser evolved beings so much that he forgets he should be the one making the rules. Sometimes I get the idea I should be more powerful in my life and for whatever reason only just now am I starting to experience real ambition. I can't keep living in a situation where I'm check by check and not really having the time and resources to live life to the fullest. It is true that I have become more responsible and more financially savy but its still not enough you know? Seems making films is my way out but other ways to rise up for me could be in other fields as well. Politics. Tech. Nerds With Badges has been getting neglected and sometimes its frustrating when you post content and you get no interaction from others. The tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear its sound. What is my demographic? Who watches or would be interested in my content? Gay people? Gay black people? Gay blerds? Gay nerds? Black people? Nerds. White women with nerd tendencies? Vampire blerds who date white people? These it seems are the things one must seriously ponder when creating content. Well if you wanna make any money or get those views and clicks. It is a tricky art to master...this process of doing what you enjoy and making a living off it. I don't need 100 million in the bank but I can settle for 12 million. I can.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 132

 Its hard to believe 2023 is almost done. I'm sitting here at work with alot on my mind and there are alot of things I've planned for 2024. This is the year Sergio really gets his shit together. In more ways than one. SonsofLegend will be getting its soft reboot as a film. My DragonManx comic will be coming out and meanwhile my Sasquatch cartoon will be getting released. Honestly I've so much onb my mind these days I've been doing peculiar stuff like forgetting things and just feeling out of sorts. I suppose thats a good thing because I'm not wasting my time worrying about BS. Yesterday I actually left some new shoes in my Uber and thats really not me. By the way the driver never responded to my calls or even when customer service paged him. So I'm pretty sure (and others I've spoken to agree) he just decided to keep the shoes. So that happened. Anyway it all worked out because I was able to get replacement shoes but it still blows my mind how trifling people can be. Yes even after all this time.

-To be continued-

Speaking of Uber divers I have been using Uber alot, especially for going home and coming to work as its usually much cheaper than Lyft for some reason and I've had the honor of meeting some cool drivers. The other night I had a cool trans woman as a driver and we had some interesting conversations about life in the lgbt community as well as "The Artist Formerly Known As Bruce Jenner" who was once called "He Of The Dramatic Collapse" because that's how he finished many races when he was a world-famous athlete. Early on in the conversation the driver goes..."oh and by the way" as if to surprise me by revealing she was trans and my reaction was almost no reaction. I told her about how working at the center all the years has pretty much made me "surprise proof" when it comes to stuff like that. Truthfully its gotten to the point I suspect over half the people I come into contact with to be trans. Even in hindsight some I may have gone out with in the past. We were talking about how some trans folk regret transitioning and also about youngsters going under the knife. She feels its easier to go thru it younger because your hormonal development hasn't quite kicked in yet so later in life you won't look as masculine or fem. I also told her that if there was a way I could magically transform into a woman I'd do it as long as I could change back. Of course, this isn't something I tell everybody. I like being a guy too much to wanna be stuck as a woman. Much respect to women needless to say.

Well, I feel there's more to write but it's time for me to go home so maybe I'll be back later or sometime before the first of Jan 2024. If later than that Happy New Year. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 131

 Its Christmas Eve and I had a breakthrough just now while laying in bed really wishing I had some sort of sleep aid to help me sleep. What happened was as I lay there feeling kinda down and with a weird sort of irritation in my stomach my mind started flashing back in time and I was remembering or thinking of stuff I hadn't in years or just things I pretty much forgot. It was uncanny reliving these memories...Grandma Mary's house. Picking blueberries and boiling them and making sandwiches. Making banana sandwiches with a bit of milk,water and a bit of vanilla extract. Watching old cartoons. Watching Soul Train with Grandma Cora and my sisters in New York back when she was still alive. My first video game system (Coleco Vision) that we pretended to be surprised on Christmas morning when we unwrapped it! Playing with my little sister Fatisha when we were first introduced. Crawling around with her and some fuzzy memories of pumping water outside or using the outhouse and getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I thought back to spending time with friends and family...cutting school and reading comic books like Richie Rich or Archie digests. X-Men and even how sometimes I stole comics and videogames. Yeah some of the memories were unpleasant. I thought of Jeffery my first boyfriend and how much fun I had in my 20's going to clubs and hanging out at my Grandma Mary's house or even with some of my cousins who I have drifted apart with over the years. Being a kid and riding with my Grandma Cora when she went to pick tobacco then afterwards we all rode back home but not before stopping to get Mountain Dew sodas and chocolate moon pies from a local store. God I used to love those things. Marshmallow goodness sandwiched between two chocolate-covered cookies. I also love the banana ones and sometimes if I find them in the market I'll pick up a box. It was as if a light shined on my to burn away the dark cloud that has been hanging over me for awhile now as memories of my past helped me to remember who I really am as a person as opposed to the shadow of me I was becoming. If that makes any sense. If you are not careful the world and cruel people can turn you into a mockery of the person you're supposed to be. You have to remember the good in your life if you want to hold on to it. So it is true you are who you were. (Before the world got a hold of you and poisoned you)

Yesterday I got up and went out to catch the bus to go see Aquaman 2. After waiting over half and hour for the bus I realized I was gonna miss the 8pm show so I had to abort as I didn't want to catch a later show and risk being stranded waiting for a bus home. Honestly its a bit embarrassing to admit since I never use the data on my phone I have yet to figure out how to activate the service. (I only use the Wi-Fi functions if I am not using texts or phone call service!) Its these times really one starts to remember the convenience of having friends with cars. Especially here in LA where like 85% of the population seems to drive. At times I miss having a social life but mostly I've accepted on some level this probably won't change until I move up in life career wise. I think when you don't have a car to some its the equivalent of being a bum and it feel silly to say this but thats the way it is. This is why I sometimes consider moving back to New York (or to another big city) because not having a car there doesn't make you a social outcast. Before I decide to move Ima need to start putting some of my things in storage so I can have less clutter in my life. Putting my stuff in storage is gonna be an epic event which will involve moving in/out some furniture so I will likely have to call in some favors. Anyway since i didn't see Aquaman I just went to McDonalds and grabbed a 10 piece chicken Mcnugget meal with a sprite. Got back here where I played some Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodhunt on PS5 and watched some stuff on tv. The new Exorcist movie. Zach Snyders new Netflix sci-fi epic. Continental on Peacock and David Oyelowos western on Paramount. Still not really sleepy but I'll probably go back to bed after awhile. Really did want to fly somewhere for this holiday but my money wasn't quite right but I need to plan a trip to see my father really soon. Probably Easter because I'll have accrued adequate vacation time to visit long enough to really visit but not long enough that we get tired of each other. Over the next couple of months much of my focus and money will be towards getting SonsofLegend filmed. After New Years Day I'm gonna hit the ground running because I've been lagging behind on some of my goals. Yeah I have a list and I do take it out and look at it sometimes but I need to do it more often.

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 Today was somewhat eventful. I ended up spending over an hour on the phone with PayPal customer service and Bank Of America customer service due to a company I paid $225.00 up front as one half of a fee to do storyboards for the Sasquatch cartoon kinda ghosting me for a week. No response to emails, phone calls and texts is all just a big giant red flag as far as I'm concerned. Also this Sasquatch project has been stalled for months now since we've had so much trouble finding a storyboard arist up to the animator's standards. This has really frustrated me greatly to the point I have honestly wondered if we'll complete the project. So as it stands I'm once again looking for someone to do storyboards as I'm done working with the person I tried to hire. 

The DragonManx comic Kickstarter was a success and comics will be getting sent out to folks early 2024. Meanwhile I have a couple of directors interested in the SonsOfLegend soft reboot but I've yet to really decide who I'm gonna use. But one person has been difficult to reach by phone and text which is a problem for me so... In other news the Sasquatch comic is coming along and that will be done pretty soon. No lettering has been done yet though. 

-To Be Continued-

The Orange Hat.

Last Saturday as I was about to leave work I asked a co-worker which hat I should wear...a cool orange one I really like that says "Art is for everyone" with two earring-type loops in two holes on its rim or a cool black cap that says "Sasquatch believes in you" She said the black one because she doesn't like bright colors. I have noticed that when I wear bright colorful things people just seem to stare or be fixated on the object and I know for a fact some folks don't dress in bright primary colors because sometimes it just seems to draw attention. Makes one stick out and theres that saying you know that the nail that stands out the most is the one that gets pounded the most. What is it about bright colors that make people want to punish each other? Gangs do it. I'm not sure animals react in this fashion but yesterday as I stood waiting for a light to change on my way to pick up a pizza a truck went by me with an older Mexican guy and he laughed really loudly as if to ridicule me. I guess I'm wondering if I hadn't stuck out with my orange hat would he have done that? During my first year in LA a brother yelled at me "What you doing wearing that red shirt?!?" and this was near Sunset and Vine nowhere near any gang-affiliated area. How crazy the world has become where other people want to attack you for wearing colors. Then again many just attack for any little reason. Being bald and youthful I have been approached in a threatening manner by other guys asking me where I'm from. They think I'm in a gang. Some folks have been mistaken for gang people and even gotten shot at. People just keep coming up with reasons to try and kill each other, don't they? Anyway I think this color subject could make for an interesting short film. After all, it has been proven colors can affect your moods or even how others react to you. This is sometimes called "Color Magic" 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 129

 Listening to Iheart Radio 60's station.

October came and went. But at least I was able to get out of town and visit my family in Orlando. It was cool seeing everyone and hanging out with my nephew Curt who is as big a nerd as I am. We went to Universal Horror nights where I ended up getting hoarse and destroying my cellphone which got replaced when I got back to LA! Its my tradition to go home for Halloween. My mother told me that I am always welcome there and some folks got on me about not visiting more often (and staying longer!) I just think its better to be missed than to wear out your welcome you know? I did get to see my brother Joshua. Its pretty obvious I'll never have that ideal relationship with my brother I always wanted. I do blame myself for being so distant in his life as he came of age. God knows I have tried to have some sort of relationship with him and we can get into some incredibly deep conversations about life and metaphysical stuff yet theres a weird wall between us. Just feels as if he were somehow compromised. Like someone may have affected his outlook on me. Maybe its all in my mind but whatever the case it is what it is. Theres really nothing I can do to make someone want to be a part of my life. This is something I have had to make peace with over the years in regard to other folks as well. Mr. Ninja for example. We saw each other yesterday briefly and it was as weird can be expected. A slight nod of acknowledgment then we proceeded to go about acting as if we never knew each other. I guess we didn't actually. (I was stuck at work much later than usual for accidentally locking a door staff was unable to open until around 9am. some folks were pissed at me as their belongings were locked inside. Purses. CAR KEYS😞 And yes I got in trouble) So life goes on and we simply throw away something that coulda been cool. A friendship at least? Its funny how people can be this way. Someone cool comes into your life and then you just move on and act like you completely forgot about them. Seems to be the new normal with these gay men now treating each other in these strange manners because of unresolved issues within probably. Thing is he kinda looked...well not as if he was really keeping himself up. I mean to say usually I'd like to believe when someone is with someone they are likely more concerned with how they look. Could be wrong and its not my business. Part of me hoped maybe he'd call since we hadn't spoken in so long. Its been months yet its another slap from reality that these fellas out here are just on some whole other trip and I gotta focus on me or become as nuts and emotionally distant as they are. Right now my focus has been on my artistic endeavors. Theres a kickstarter campaign going on via the company publishing my comic "DragonManx" We have raised $1800 of our $2000 goal. Theres still like 5 days left and we might not make that unless we put in some money ourselves. As for my Sasquatch cartoon...the person I'd wanted to do the storyboards has dropped me like a bad habit because we'd been playing phone tag and much of that is due to my schedule and bouts with anxiety/stress. However, I got some cool comic book art for the Sasquatch comic adaptation of the cartoon. Getting back to the Kickstarter campaign...I have been doing these little videos everyday to promote and ask for funding. Trying to be direct without begging you know. Now I know how those radio station deejays I used to clown about fundraisers feel. It is hard trying to get folks to give you money. Fundraising aint no joke. Was even able to get my mother involved in one of my videos. We did this cool question and answer session at her house. Was real nice scenery too as they have fixed up a nice little den area. They actually built it since the last time I was there. Only thing missing is a BIG tv which they'll likely mount on a wall. Was planning to go visit my father before the year is out but that might not happen until the new year because I need to save up money for projects and you know...surviving. Also Comic Con LA is coming up in a week so gotta decide what I'm doing for that. A co-worker is bugging me to go and it would certainly be a great opp to promote things but this is something I need to decide on. Should go ahead and get my tickets in case the event sells out. All the "normies" are invested in comic conventions these days so this makes getting tix challenging more often than not. 

The world is going through some shit right now but every now and then something will happen to help restore my faith in humanity. Now it has not escaped me that other folks have helped me throughout the years but it was an awesome surprise the other day when I was doing my laundry and my landlady put my clothes in the dryer for me and started the cycle. This is what one would call a random act of kindness. When was the last time you did a random act of kindness for anyone? So I am grateful she did that and it makes me want to as they say pay it forward by helping out someone else. Maybe I'll even do it anonymously. Its not hard for me to do things for other people without expecting something else in return. How great this world would be if everyone thought like this? One can but wonder...

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Two guards were let go last week. Apparently, they let in someone who was not supposed to have access. I was surprised because usually people are given some sort of warning (as far as I know) before they are just let go. These were two VERY good guards and its not gonna be easy to replace them. Yes I do miss them. One gave me Sega Dreamcast and an OG PS3 like a month ago. I dropped the Dreamcast so I am sure its gonna require some repair. Ugh. My PS4 and ipod still require repair too. Wish I had extra money man because these things would have been fixed but my comics are still in production then theres the cartoon and the relaunch of SOL. If it wasn't for money I have in my Stash investments would be completely broke. Definitely need to improve my finances going into 2024. Gonna be doing some heavy-handed cutbacks soon...

Planning to go to Florida as usual for the Halloween holiday. I'd like to go to Universal while I am there because I haven't checked out Florida's Universal Studios yet. Seems bigger than the Universal here. I already told my nephew to make plans although he says its gonna be hella crowded with looooong lines on that day. It would be nice to spend some time with my brother but I'm having to make peace with the fact he and I are never gonna have that cool relationship some brothers have with each other. Its weird because I heard some pretty crazy things about his behavior over the years and he's been basically banned from my moms house except to drop off or pick up his daughter. Sometimes I feel really guilty and I get angry at myself for not spending time with dude when he was coming up. I think I could have been a positive influence in his life and maybe saved him from some of his butthead decisions. Maybe. Was too busy living my life and trying to figure out who I am. In some ways perhaps I still am.

Oh yeah the ambulance came here to assist with a baby who was having trouble breathing (I heard) 

Its all over the news now. Whats going on with Israel and Gaza (Hammas). Whats going on? Well on Oct 7th Gaza fired a bunch of rockets at Israel towns and broke through the border where they killed 1400 people and took hostages including elderly and children. Israel responded by bombing Gaza. (Hammas is an Islamist org which rules Gaza) On Tuesday a Gaza hospital was hit with an explosion and hundreds were killed. Its an insane situation and it just blows my mind how many people murder each other every single day over some BS. Its like we just need to be fighting each other or something. I think some folks can't stand the idea of peace. This conflict has been going on for awhile now and it looks like the US will get caught up in this mess which means its gonna become everyones mess because it'll likely lead to terrorist attacks...something we've not had to really deal with for a few years now. 

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So they shut down the 7/11 down the street from my job now at 11:30pm every night now. I have worked in the center for almost 17 years and this is the first time this has happened. 7/11 is usually open all night so now we have to go somewhere else for late night snacks or coffee. Supposedly this happened because of all the craziness that tends to occur in this area. Prostitutes and drug dealers hanging around. People fights. People stealing from the store. I myself witnessed a man chasing another man around in the store stabbing him with a screwdriver. A clerk was recently jumped and beat up by a bunch of folks. Staff have been assaulted. The straw that broke the proverbial camels back (allegedly) was the glass to the store being broken due to an attempt to snatch the ATM from inside. All this is to me is more freedoms we are losing or things being taken away because of the actions of nutcases. On the way in to work I had an interesting conversation with my LYFT driver who is from Japan and he was telling me about how in Japan mentally ill people are just taken off the street and placed in mental facilities. Also homeless are placed in programs to give them jobs or training. Crime happens but it is not like here and the law enforcement over there do not play. But then again folks are more civil over there and as one of my supervisors put it people are taught from an early age to actually give a shit about each other. Guns are not allowed either. Not saying Japan is perfect but man I am so envious of folks who live there away from the madness that happens here. Honestly I really have been thinking alot about moving out of the states. Just don't know when but I need a change so I'm not walking around in fight or flight mode literally ALL the time. They say stress releases some crazy chemicals in  your body and over time its a silent killer. That build up. I've lost weight. I feel tired so much of the time and there's this feeling of oppression that often affects my ability to focus or be creative. I think the rejection of a certain co-worker did some major damage that affected me on such a deep spiritual level it spilled out into the real world because I never just straight up said I was done with love and relationships and REALLY meant it. Really mean it. That shit put me in such a deep space I don't ever wanna go back to that again. Ladies and gentlemen we have found Sergio's "kryptonite". Yet what good is one who knows how to love in a world where everyone has forgotten how to love? I dunno...is everyone else just as scared to love as I am or did Thanos cast a spell to keep us from reproducing? This shit is real. People will walk away from a relationship-oriented truly good person who they can build something with and run to straight up garbage or unattainable folks or people they have no business messing around with because the very idea or concept of something pure scares them shitless or I think its just easier to have disposable rendevous as opposed to letting someone in enough so you and team up to overcome your issues. So sometimes it really is THEM and not YOU my friend. I am a dinosaur. I am like Captain America now...a man trapped in a time that is both equally unfamiliar and unsettling. Maybe its been this way since the moment I was birthed. 

Microsoft finally acquired Activision/Blizzard/King and I am soooo happy. I mean its gonna be cool having all those cool games available on GamePass and even better having access to them via the cloud on ANY device that exists. Can't really take advantage of GamePass here at work though since they block cloud access unless one has their own personal hotspot. Something I have considered investing in. Speaking of games this is a big week for gaming. A new Mario. A new Spiderman game. A new Sonic game. Even a new King Kong game. Its not very good though. Definitely needed some more time in the over to bake. I tried to record some of my gameplay footage for King Kong but the stupid recorder didn't record so we'll try again later. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some Sonic gameplay later as well because it has been taking forever to download and update for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if its because I want to play it so bad. Spiderman 2 is like 100 gigs on Playstation 5 so I gotta pre-install it starting today if theres any chance at all to play it this coming weekend. I hate that you have to open the PS5 to add more storage. At least Xbox lets you add external storage even though its expensive as hell. Might do a Nerds With Badges episode to discuss the new games coming out. Did actually film an episode like a week ago to talk about my new Chromebook Plus and it did feel good to be back doing something cool and creative like that. Really I wanted to test out that 1080 video camera the CB+ has! 

Had an interesting dream yesterday involving me taking a bus then falling asleep and ending up somewhere unfamiliar and taking a photo on my phone of an unusual looking building. Seems I may have been on my way to school which there was some dread about. Over the last few years I have been dreaming about school. These don't feel like good dreams at all because I was feeling apprehension of being there or some worries about school work or tests. School was particularly tough for me. Never fit in really and there were some bad people who went out of their way to thoroughly traumatize me for their own personal gain I guess. So yeah I don't want to have any dreams about being anywhere near a shool. Ugh. Well, an ambulance is outside now so I gotta cut this entry short and see what the hell is going on...