Confessions of a sad superhero book 38

 (To Jill Scott. +826 Experience)

Quite the journey PART 6. "CONCLUSION"

Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. California has opened up for one so we don't have to wear masks everywhere. Basically businesses don't have to stay closed because the Covid is under control even though theres the threat of variants. I think folks were just tired of being cooped up and it was getting pretty serious for many businesses....the ones that didn't go under already. Things are still weird at work with me and you know who. I just decided its best not to speak unless its work related. I don't trust him. There were many instances where I should have known he wasn't a safe person. I guess I let my emotions (or his pheromones) cloud my mind. Yeah he's cute and I did enjoy talking with him at times yet there comes a time when we will all have to walk away from a toxic person or environment. Some days are harder than others but its getting easier I promise you. I realize there are people in my life and other things that should be getting my attention. So that helps. Like Alicia Keys said in a recent song..."Wasted energy" Some other folks here at work are strange with me too. As if I committed the unforgivable sin. I dunno. Perhaps in their eyes I did. One thing though I have to say is that the gay community seems much less reluctant these days to forgive anyone for anything. I'm not perfect and struggle with feelings of rage and hate but over time these things tend to fade. Especially when you realize you really have so many other things to worry about. Important things that really matter. Money. Career. Family and what you will do with the time you have left here you know? You just gotta make peace with the fact not everybody is gonna like you and keep it moving. Those who love us who we neglect....well when they are gone that pain and emptiness is a very real, serious and important thing that can keep coming back to tear at your spirit over the years. I have been calling Dad regularly to check on him. Yesterday was Fathers Day so it was another excuse to phone home. I meant to send him something but he has never texted me his mailing address. (I can't believe how un-computer literate this man is) I also called my Stepdad yesterday. He did help raise me after all. Eddie is from Trinidad and has been with my mother since dinosaurs walked the earth. I have one sister, a stepsister and one brother from him. I'm cool with the sisters but my brother has seemingly abandoned me. I guess I basically did the same thing in the 20 something years I was running around here in LA trying to find myself and keeping all my family at a distance. Its a double edged sword. Distance.  

I should have called home more often. I should have been a bigger part of his life and now I barely know him. I feel like he's slipping thru my fingers and out of my life. But then again he was never really a part of my life. Dude has made some bad decisions and they say he smokes too much. One sister told him to lose her number. Still theres hope. Joshuazilla is still here. Crystal slipped right past me. Just like my cousin Montressa. My aunt Roquamae. My uncle Howard. My Grandmamas are both gone and I wish I could go back in time and just hug them one more time and tell them how much it means to me that they didn't give up on my hard headed ass. I'm not gonna lie....Crystals passing and funeral still feels surreal and foggy. It feels unreal that this perfectly cool woman with so much going for her is no longer alive. Its crazy that someone so good is gone and theres so much evilness left just walking around you know? So much about life doesn't make sense. Even after being here for 52 years so much is a mystery to me. 

Despite all the gloom I have been able to kinda bounce back to being me. I am still getting work done on my comic and today I asked Damonzilla to direct the Sasquatch project for me in August. The script meanwhile is getting formatted. I'm thinking I might just do the film as three short parts. A three part webseries maybe? Need to get a solid budget though. I might go visit "Captain Liberia" next month or later this year. Gotta focus more on making sure I am saving more money because I plan to leave my job either Dec or early 2022. So I'm gonna cut out the luxury spending. No that does not mean I am giving up Netflix. 

-To Be Continued-

(UPDATE: 6.26.2021) -To....Boom bap 90's instrumental mix-(Youtube) From Jan 26 2020.

So much of the time when I really think about it I feel a great sea of sadness...just thinking about how I have given so much of my life...my time and energy to fools...idiots. People who really didn't or don't appreciate me. People who don't for whatever reason see the good in me. People who have underestimated me...used me...people who I have put myself out there for... Theres a song by Jill Scott where she talks about bringing someone a peach cobbler and the person rejected it basically. Just recently I encountered some black people on the street and got like the most hostile exchange of energy when I attempted to greet them.  That energy stayed with me for awhile and it made me think how badly I want to leave Cali because I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking....this is normal...folks being nasty towards each other and I should just accept it. Its not normal actually. If anything its normal wanting to move somewhere far away where people are nice and respectful of each other. When I was back in North Carolina for Crystals service it really was something seeing so many folks...black folks all in one space being supportive and I guess it reminds me of something I have been missing for a long time now. It just recently dawned on me that I have suffered some sort of PTS over the years. Dealing with shit at work. Dealing with craziness in the streets and then coming home and having to deal with petty diabolical neighbors who seem intent on turning me into a crazed maniac. Its akin to being poked with a stick over and over for years. I think my brain is trying to heal but every now and then they will do something and I think its safe to say they have figured out my triggers. The thing about triggers is...well with me sometimes it takes me awhile to bounce back from when bad stuff happens and the fight or flight response is continuous. Its not meant to last for along time yet in some cases I get stuck in fight or flight mode. The body is still secreting these chemicals that theres still a threat. So since I don't come down I'm still stuck at this state of not being able to really relax. So yeah this is one of the reasons why I hate bullies so much. Just the other day I came across a video I had to share after seeing it on Facebook. In it this sister was having these kids yell insults at a piece of paper which she crinkled up the more they hurled insults. When the kids stopped she unfolded the paper and it was all wrinkly looking. Still paper yes but definitely affected by the shit it absorbed. I wonder how many other folks out there are living everyday of their lives in a hostile environment that is hindering their ability to be really mentally healthy? How much of me is me and not simply a reaction to people who are ugly inside? I think its safe to say we all have survival techniques. Some more unique than others. 

My father said this to me a few times when I was in NC. He told me that he didn't want any of his children to feel he thought higher of Crystal than any of us. Its just that she needed more care and I completely understand that. I hope no one else made him feel otherwise. Crystal was dealing with alot so of course she would need more hands on than the rest of us. Its interesting to see people later in years expressing regret over things and then you're like..no it was never like that. I recall a cousin recently posting on Facebook that he was sorry if he in any way hurt anyone over the years. I know I have made some mistakes in life...hurt some people because I was young and stupid at one point. My cousin and I did butt heads in our youth but at some points we were very close. In fact there are plenty of good memories I have of cousins, family members and friends from back in the day. So it wasn't all bad you know? Some of those people from my past are foggy in my mind and I have to focus past the haze to regain those memories. (Why is it like that?) I find myself at times drifting way back far in my past and thinking of folks I left behind when I left NC. Some I can't see again because they have died. Some have outright shut me out of their lives. Like this one guy I met in summer school back when. Never ever did I do or say anything disrespectful to him yet one day when I managed to reach out after finding his phone number he (and his mother) told me because of what I was they couldn't associate with me. As if I had some terrible disease. Rejection is sometimes for your own good even if it might take you awhile to figure that out. Been rejected so much that it does seem like a re-occuring theme. Not saying EVERYBODY hates me (although there are moments I wonder) but theres always been a peculiar energy about California. I remember looking out the window of the Greyhound bus when I first came to LA and seeing some energy radiating from the mountains. Was kinda like heat vapors or something. Maybe that energy draws certain types of folks here and when you are not vibrating on that frequency its the reason why many of us struggle for success here even when on all accounts we should be VERY successful. I dunno. Having a good support system helps too. Could be a part of tapping into that energy? I think you tap into some of that energy when you are performing in concert or when alot of folks are following you on social media. Could be why its so addicting to folks. Its kind of like worship in a way I think. Crystal had a great support group and her parents have that too. Its powerful. It won't bring her back to life yet it its strong enough to keep the spirit of who she is/was around forever. (Perhaps literally and figuratively but alot of ya'll don't believe in ghosts. -What else could be making these elevators go up and down all night since everyone else left the building?- You believe in God, aliens, the devil and Illuminati but what-ever) 

I wish I could go back in time. I could save my sister. Stop 911. (invest in Apple) Make sure some people never fall out of touch and let everyone I never told how much I love them. Instead of wasting energy on SO MANY knuckleheads. That image of my sister in that coffin is both vague and vivid at the same time. How does that even make sense? I'm still hoping this is all some bad pro-longed dream. So much floods my mind when I let it. Seeing my father barely able to stand and being supported...trying to comfort him...helping carry the coffin...seeing all the cars...eating all that food....re-uniting with some family I have not seen in many moons...hearing Geraline cry....seeing how strong my sister Stephanie was....quiet rage at where I was seated because I couldn't really see much of what was happening at the service even though we were in the front. I touched Crystal...as she lay there looking very much NOT like the person I remember. But I remember a cute little girl with ponytails and have very little recollection of the years between when she grew more and more sickly. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time as they lowered her into the ground and all I am left with is an aching emptiness and memories. Memories of what I had and can't get back. Then it makes me think of who is still here with me in the land of the living. It makes me think what am I gonna do with the time I have left. I can either miss another 20 years with loved ones or make sure the next 20 are awesome whilst maybe making up for lost time trying to rebuild some of those bridges. Just because some of the faces or memories are foggy doesn't mean we can't make new clear stronger memories right? Even if I never move back to NC I think its important to make sure I keep those who matter most closer to my heart. No more wasted energy. People did say to me a few times about Crystal "She's not in pain anymore" I hear that over the years about others too. Crystal battled several health issues. Sometimes I feel myself getting angry that we have not been able to overcome certain illnesses in society. Diabetes. Cancer. Asthma. High blood pressure. Mental illness. Sometimes I get the idea we are eating so much fucked up shit and being exposed to so much crazy energies and radiation is the reason so many folks have these problems and maybe the powers that be let it be due to population control. I just feel like it makes no sense some of the things we are having to deal with as a society. I feel so bad because I didn't even come home to see her when she lost her leg. I didn't visit my cousin Montressa either. Was so wrapped up in my own shit. Let me tell you...when you lose enough people eventually a light comes on and you realize you need to not let anymore slip thru your hands while you still have time left. It becomes much more apparent...the BS you need to let go. Also when you leave this plane of existence what do you want to be remembered for? Hopefully not for chasing after the affections of fools and idiots. In her passing Crystal managed to teach me a valuable life lesson and her funeral really was a celebration of a life well lived and loved. Genuinely loved by many because her strength and kindness touched so many. What else could be more important? Her memory will forever light the lives of all she touched and I made the decision (back in NC) that I will do my own tribute by naming the most powerful hero in my comics universe after my little sister. A constant reminder to hold on to what matters most.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 37

 Quite The Journey Part 5

Its taken me awhile to snap out of the funk I have been in these past few months. Well its actually been longer than a few months truthfully. But I am starting to feel more like me than the out of control barely in control of his emotions thing I was before. If that makes any sense. My thoughts still seem alittle fuzzed yet not quite as fuzzy as before. I mean I'm not completely there because I have been doing little decidedly un-Sergio-ish things. Forgetting stuff. Feeling nonchalant at work. Putting off cleaning up and writing or being creative. Feeling numb towards friends and relatives. Putting things off. For example I left my keys in the Lyft I took to work last night and it caused me much grief this morning because I couldn't get in my apartment. Had to get my landlord to help me out. Ended up climbing thru a neighbors window. I had a major anxiety attack the other day because the neighbors tapping on my wall triggered me. (Yeah I know its time for me to move and quit my job) Ended up getting three days off work but now I am running really low on vacation time. Speaking of....they got my time off request mixed up because I am supposed to be off Monday yet I am still on the schedule. Been having some pain in my leg and back and Kaiser still hasn't given me a clear solution for those damn headaches. Trying not to think too much about the root canal I'm due for this year. I somehow erased the ghostly encounter I had at my fathers place but managed to recover it off my ipod. (Happened I think when everyone was out getting gas due to the Russian hacking of the pipeline) Then my computer is tripping. My gaming laptop. But what else is new right? Hah. A shirt I sent Captain Liberia was stolen from his mail but Amazon replaced it. (Come to find out most of the shirts I sent him fit too tight and he's only just now telling me) Microsoft refunded me for a really buggy game (Necromundo) Last night at work we had to call the cops for a guy sleeping by the door and it took them forever to arrive. (This is why I hate that stupid defund the po po crap) At least we might not have to wear those damn masks on our faces anymore soon. June 15 is when things are supposed to open up here in LA. PS5 is still pretty much impossible to get. We've had several mass shooting events recently (a kid was even shot but they finally caught his shooters) but thankfully no big fire stuff. And my brother still refuses to call me. Its as if he's acting like I no longer exist. Perhaps in his mind I don't? 

I went to the store and bought a bunch of candy. Gummi candy which I love. A particular brand is just irresistable. Kinda like these thoughts I have of a certain dude I met thru my filming projects. He's straight and I know theres no future but its a struggle at times to get him out of my head. But I do often resist the urge to communicate with him more. Not to mention someone from my past who recently surfaced when I went back home. "Stay in your lane" has become a mantra. I'm not wasting anymore time on some knucklehead who's not interested in me. Seems not much of anybody is interested in anybody anymore. What up with that? Its almost as if someone cast a spell on folks minds and now relationships are like endangered and shit. I feel like I am surrounded by a bunch of folks who have given up on love and I've got to escape from here. Escape to Africa. Or North Dakota.

The publisher of my comic project threw me a curveball because he doesn't want to publish some of the comics in the anthology. I think its because they are not up to their standards. This is causing me stress because I have been paying to get these comic stories done and now I have to find other avenues of getting several of them published. Those include "Gerbilla" "Tohm The Mouse And Harrold" and "Gamer Granny" I think I managed to talk dude into doing a flip book featuring DragonManx and Sasquatch with Detector Pig as a back up tale. These are afer all being done by his artists. What this basically means is my 6 comic anthology is now a 3 comic anthology. So I have three comics I have to put out either individually or as separate books. 

I have been calling home weekly to check on Dad and Geraline. (At some point I would like to help them deal with a rodent problem!) (I actually have my war to fight with some six legged would be invaders) Still need to call Orange-Dre who lost his mom around the same time my sister passed. It still feel surreal and dreamlike thinking of that time spent in NC and what happened. The funeral. All the people. All the food. Seeing people I hadn't seen in many moons. People remembered me but I seem to have blocks in my head because of vague recollections. It irritates me you know? Why can't I remember them? And seeing Crystal laying there in that coffin looking so much like someone else who wasn't her.... I tried to comfort my father and Geraline. I mean I know I made a difference by being there but it was building inside that this girl was gone and I blew it because I never got to know the beautiful person who'd left the lives of so many folks empty. Its funny how you can feel numb then the pain inside just gradually bubble to the surface. I recall my mother or sister saying when my Grandma passed that "It comes in waves" It took my mom some time before she was even able to go to Grandmas grave. I lost an uncle recently and still have yet to process it all. 

At Crystals funeral my Sister Stephanie was so strong and composed. I think she'd gotten much of the grief out before. As I sat there next to her irritated because I couldn't really see much that was happening (due to how they had us seated) I looked thru the booklet they gave everyone commemorating Crystals life. Took in all the words from folks who knew her. Folks who were inspired by her because she was a fighter. I took in the lively music. There was a kind of building dread of what was to come. That final goodbye. We walked out the church as Dad had requested the coffin to stay closed till the end of the service. All of that time is a blur in my mind. I walked out because I'd already said goodbye at our private viewing days before and I even touched Crystals face. At the funeral while outside I saw them bringing my Dad out and he was basically collapsing. The sun was out in full swing and I tried to take in all the folks around. Was able to catch up with some family then the moment came when I was asked if I'd like to be a pallbearer. I went over to help them lift that heavy coffin. Then we put Crystal in the hearse that took her on her final drive to the gravesite. The drive took a loooooong time. I guess it was because we were driving so slow. Approaching cars pulled over in respect. I looked out the window to see lines and lines of cars behind us. This girl was so much loved. To be  remembered, truly loved by so many in such a way is so epic in its bad assedness.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 36

  QUITE THE JOURNEY PART 4:

So the day of the funeral came and it was a heavy day. Thats the understatement of the century I think. First off my father asked me to help him clean off and take some tables to the church where a dinner was gonna take place after the funeral service. He was kinda ticked at me because I didn't  have any dress pants. Only the black jeans I'd brought with me. I mean....yeah he was pissed at me. I think now I realize he was REALLY pissed at me. I saw only one other person at the funeral in jeans. It was a guy and I have no idea who he was. HE was actually wearing blue jeans so that made me feel alittle less out of sorts. Maybe Dad wasn't so much mad at me but just channeling some other stuff. Which is understandable. I guess one reason why I probably stay away from family and people in general is because theres always something that happens to bring the tension. Perhaps the truth is its unavoidable? 

The hearse came to pick us up at the house. My sister Stephanie rode with us. So it was Geraline, Dad. Tonya (my stepsister) and her son. We really didn't have much to say to each other but her son doesn't know me so thats understandable. I did try to be social but....there was no connection. I think I might have a reputation as the weird step uncle who never grew up. The whole time I was in the hearse (I sat in the front with the driver) everything was feeling so dreamlike. It still does in a way. Like maybe it wasn't happening. Like it didn't happen. I think my brain was still in shock. The drive took like forever. That was fine by me. I wasn't in a hurry to get to that church. One thing that was cool was that oncoming cars would stop and park on the side whenever they approached our loooooong line of cars. I am not exxagerrating either when I say Crystal had the biggest funeral I have ever personally attended. Girl touched alot of lives. Its pretty awesome knowing so many people loved her. 

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 35

 QUITE THE JOURNEY PART 3:

My father and Geraline were pretty calm when I first arrived in NC. But the heaviness of what had happened...its the kind of heaviness one can feel in the very air. People were coming by the house alot. There was alot of food. All the Parkers fried chicken I could eat. I guess this was making up for me not having eaten Parkers since I was probably in my early 20's. Parkers has a reputation for their fried chicken and barbecue. I also ate plenty of that during my visit because there was so much of it right there. Usually I avoid pork! There was cole slaw...hushpuppies....and sweet tea. There was banana pudding and all sorts of cakes. Folks brought us breakfast too. 

Some people came by to pray with the family. It was truly heartwarming to see so many people concerned and stopping thru to spend time with Geraline. Making sure she was alright. I think folks just wanted to make sure she wasn't alone too much. I have never seen such an outpouring of love and support. My father has a pretty big family so I expected folks to be coming thru but Geralines family and church family really went above and beyond in looking out for her. 

I'd promised my father I would go with him to view Crystal later during the week. I remember going with Louis to see his father many moons ago and it didn't really bother me. But they brought her by the house in a hearse one day and they never opened the coffin or anything but Dad for the most part held it together. I think he cried just alittle but maybe a day later when we actually went to see Crystal at the funeral home he and Geraline just lost it. I'd never seen my father cry but the pain of seeing his child there laying in that coffin was just too much. Something no parent should ever have to experience really. Crystal didn't even look like herself to me. But then again mostly no one ever seems to you know? I think the last time I'd actually seen Crystal alive was when she was in her mid teen years. Thats how long I'd been away from home. I know I need to do better than this. Dad did at one point in my trip say something about something like this shouldn't be the reason I come home. Its a wake up call to me that I need to work more on my family connections. People are getting older and time is just flying by. One thing that worries me alot these days is the fact I have a younger brother who barely knows me. He's around 27 now and I'm gonna have to put in some work to fix our relationship. Some of his life decisions worry me too so a trip to Florida sometime this year is on the top of my to do list.

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 34

QUITE THE JOURNEY...

PART 2

The shuttle came to pick me up from my job around 4:45am-ish. It was supposed to be there at 4:30am but there was no problem with me getting to the airport on time. Its crazy that the super shuttle type services I usually use for flights have now gone bankrupt or apparently out of business. At least thats what the driver told me. When I got to the airport I had to get one of the associates to help me check in because now you can't just simply do it on the kiosk with your credit card. I heard fraud is the reason. Leave it up to stupid humans to ruin things. I  checked in the luggage case the cute guy sold me. I just packed it with clothes mostly. I put all my electronics and gadgets in my big backpack. (I still miss the one E-Zilla gave me years ago) I didn't take my laptop or any electronics out of my backpack as I hate putting my shit on those nasty ass trays I never see them sanitize. But they did kinda bug me about it because they needed to look inside my backpack. Honestly I think I hate checking in more than anything else involved with catching the plane. Surprisingly I slept much of the plane ride. I was pretty tired. Not just physically but emotionally as well. 

The flight to Charlotte was like 4 hours and the connecting flight to Raleigh was around 30 minutes. Dad and my nephew Semaj picked me up at the airport. I think the drive back to his place in Robersonville took around an hour. We talked on the way and I asked my father some questions about Crystal. Mostly I just wanted to know the whole story. Dad and another person had to break into Crystals house when she didn't answer and Dad found her unresponsive on her bed. He tried to give her CPR and when the ambulance came they did the same thing but were unsuccessful. Dad was pretty calm yet I could see he was dealing with alot of stuff in his mind. I think the shock was still in effect. There was pain and weariness in his voice. He'd already lost a sister days before and now this insane tragedy was happening. It still seems like some terrible foggy dream I wish I could wake up from but it hasn't happened yet.

It was nice to see Geraline again. Geraline is my Dads wife and she is my second mother. I have so many fond memories of this woman who wrote me such a heartfelt letter years ago when I fell out of touch. Geraline would make banana pudding and marshmallow treats for me, my stepsister Tonya and Carlos Tonyas cousin. Geraline witnessed some of my epic childhood craziness as well. Like that time I caught this huge snapping turtle! Come to think of it I was usually getting myself into some crazy stuff. Dumb kid. She recently fought and overcame her own illness. Geraline worked for a company for probably around 30 years. I gotta say it was mindblowing how many people were in and out of that house the whole time I was there. They....we were all gonna need that support for what was to come.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 33

QUITE THE JOURNEY.... 

(Part 1)

I bounced back from a week long on and off headache and got the news that my aunt Rosa "Roquamae" passed. Roquamae was the name I gave her. Of course I have nicknames for just about everyone I know. (Not really sure why I do that) Aunt Roquamae basically helped raise me when I was coming up. She mostly helped babysit me and my cousin Rochelle. Her sons "Orange-Dre" and Donte were pretty close to me during those years. Particularly "Orange-Dre" (Andre) who sometimes took martial arts with me from  the same teacher "Jasperzilla". Andre's dad Willie died like a year or two ago. Willie was the cool uncle who rode the big ass motorcycle. Aunt Roguamae had/has a heart of gold but she was one very strict woman. I recall her ironing her bedsheets. She was pretty intense with the cleaning obviously. I regret not getting a chance to talk with her before she passed. She was pretty bad off at some points and then appeared to be bouncing back so I kept my distance. Wasn't expecting her to check out. I kept in touch with "Orange-Dre" though on what was going on. Then the biggie happened....

Just as I had a few days before I received a message on Facebook from my cousin Tanya telling me to call home but this time she told me in an instant message to call my dad. So I did with thoughts running wild in my brain. My father picked up the phone with his usual calm manner but his voice had weariness in it. I asked him what was going on and he said with a sigh "Today you lost a little sister" and I was just numb and in shock at the same time. 

Crystal and I were never close. I can probably count on both hands how many actual conversations we had but over the years I would check in with Dad because her health and that of her mothers began to fluctuate. Her mom was able to bounce back from a disease that devastated her body. First I think Crystals issue was diabetes then she started having some issues with blackouts. Maybe headaches too I think. We spoke on the phone when things got particularly hairy and I think I asked her the same thing I asked Dad....if they were getting second opinions on what treatments were being used. Then Crystal's condition got so bad she needed a kidney donor which she would eventually get and reject. Then later on just like my cousin Montressa she needed an amputation. (I will be so glad when science catches up with science fiction and we have fully functional prosthetic limbs like Steve Austins) What happened was that someone came over to check on Crystal and they couldn't get in the house so Dad came over and they broke in the house and found Crystal cold and non responsive on her bed. Dad did CPR and the ambulance came to continue attempts to revive her. Nothing worked however. 

I think my mother called shortly after I got off the phone with my father because she'd heard what happened and wished me her condolences. Everything seemed a blur to me. In fact I am still processing everything and trying to come to terms with this double whammy tragedy. Trying not to be mad at the doctors. Trying to make peace with the fact the human race has basically failed so many people with radiation,chemicals and pollution....all these things that are rampant in society and harming the healths of so many and its pretty much accepted. Just drug us up and send us home. I think in many cases we just take the docs words without doing research or getting a second opinion. I was sitting down eating when my sister Stephanie and her son Semaj messaged me on Facebook. Semaj told me during our conversation that it would mean so much to my father if I came home because he needed me. It was then I realized I had to go home. Now was the time after almost 20 years. It was time for me to make that return journey.

I'd already missed a week off work and most of my sick days and vacation/personal time off was spent but when I called my boss and told her what happened she let me know all the employees are given 5 days of bereavement time so I asked for the time off and got approved instantly. She was very understanding. (She'd lost her mother last year to Covid) In fact all my bosses or supervisors were understanding. I had to work two days basically by myself because the officer I had the epic falling out with last year was off that Monday and then Tuesday when he came in due to pain from a hernia he wasn't able to do patrols. (Interestingly enough he didn't give his condolences but anyway....!) That Tuesday I only worked until 4:30am since my flight was at 7:30am. I'd packed after quite the adventure finding a travel bag. (A cute Armenien(?) dude saved the day by selling me a bag because the one I'd ordered from Amazon was just too big) I'd barely managed to pack in time and almost lost my keys. In fact I left a bag of oranges on my bed because I was rushing to get out the house to leave for work after packing and the LYFT was waiting downstairs about to leave my ass. Thankfully that night at work before my flight was a quite uneventful one. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 32

 (Listening to the "Depeche Mode" station on Pandora)

The last week has been so surreal. My Aunt Rosa passed and I was home trying to get over a headache and some depression over things then days later my little sister Crystal passed. This is really a devastating horrific turn of events and it was a very easy decision for me to make that I needed to go home to be with my father whom I've not seen since a 2005 visit to Atlanta. Crystal and I have never been close and in alot of ways I feel like I barely know her. This is what happens when one moves away from home and rarely visits. We didn't exactly keep in touch either but we did talk a few times over the years. I feel bad and when I talk to others about how estranged I feel from family they remind me the ball swings both ways in regards to keeping in touch. My cousin Heather was the only family member who came out here to see me. I just have to remember that. Crystal and her mother have had to deal with some pretty epic bouts with sickness over the years. I mean at one time Crystals mom was really in considerable danger. Geraldine contracted a very rare illness that affected her to the point she was in pain. Had trouble walking and at one point needed to eat from a straw. She was able to bounce back from this ordeal which she explained to me in vivid detail. What my stepmom experienced should be one of those inspirational lifetime movies. Seriously. Most of Crystals problems came from being diabetic. She got so bad off that she'd come to need a transplant. Unfortunately she rejected the donated kidney and had to be placed on dialysis. But she had some other problems too. Something was going on with her brain and she would experience blackouts. With all the weird stuff in our foods and pollution along with all sorts of freaky energies we're being exposed to it doesn't really shock me that folks are having so many health problems. 

It hurts though. And at the same time I feel kinda numb. I wish I'd talked to her and kept in touch. I wish the same thing for my aunt who helped take care of me when I was a youngin. I made sure to reach out to her son "Orange-Dre" my cousin. I have also kept in touch with Donte "Orange-Dre's" little bro who used to cry like it was going out of style all the time as a baby. Their father Uncle Willie started reaching out to me maybe a couple of years before he passed. Aunt Rosa went into a coma after dealing with some health issues I only recently found out about. When she seems on her way to recover I guess i made the assumption she would be fine and didn't really push the issue about getting her on the phone. I wish I had. They had her funeral over the weekend. My father and his wife didn't go because they were already dealing with Crystals sudden passing. I for the longest have felt bad about missing "Graham Crackers" funeral (Grandma Mary) and I knew that Crystals funeral wasn't something I could miss. My father needs support. I have never heard him sound like he's in such pain and yeah it does worry me. So I booked my flight over the weekend because I just didn't wanna keep waiting around for them to tell me when the service would take place while those plane ticket prices kept going up. I'm just glad I had alittle money saved up. I was trying to save up for moving or any possible rainy day but this is an emergency so it couldn't  be helped. Goodbye stimulus check. I already started pre-packing. Gotta make sure and bring allergy medicine. I am so glad my job is understanding and that had enough vacation,sick and personal days to cover my time off. I also have bereavement time off. 

Was feeling so funky and out of it these last few days and these sudden passings didn't help. I seemed to be coming down with something but thankfully I bounced back from that shit whatever it was. Honestly the thought of quitting my job has been so strong on my mind these last few months but I'm really trying to hold on not just because i have projects that are unfinished but also because i need to put aside money to tide me over when I do decide I am ready to quit. The last few years have been a trip. Losing "Daughters of Legend" then there were all the incidents at work with "that other security guard" which almost got me fired. Then Covid happened. Then there was that incident at work with another guard who went off on me for relieving her a few minutes late because I had no idea her relief didn't show up so she missed her bus. Then theres the person who doesn't speak to me. Its as if I committed some horrible crime against him or something. Honestly I suspect he overheard me complaining one night about how hard it can be working here with how some people act at times. Another possibility could be that someone is whispering in his ear. Possibly a mutual acquaintance. Another person in his department has been sorta distant after one night I complained to another guard how hard it can be to connect with folks here. Sometimes I do feel like people are so distant and that I don't really fit in or belong here. After watching some videos on youtube where folks were talking about not having friends or coping with loneliness I realize....well I realize this is becoming a common topic. I think just like with mental illness folks are starting to open up about these things they once would hide or keep inside. I don honestly wish I had a snuggle bunny or someone just to hug during these crazy times but I'm starting to understand as time goes by and I get more used to dealing with shit I won't really be so much wanting a relationship. It seems like mostly everyone else has convinced themselves that they don't need anybody. I don't really think I wanna be like that honestly. Seems the norm for plenty of gay men. So many of us seem to be looking for this musclebound perfect man. All the photos I see gay men lusting after....so many of the men in those photos are just so fucked up. Emotionally unavailable. Also many of those guys are STRAIGHT. I swear sometimes I wish my feelings for women were stronger because I am so tired of dealing with with these gay men out here. So many of them I think will be 60 years old before they are ready for any kind of meaningful relationship. Even Captain Liberia confuses me sometimes. I feel like when I show I care he pulls back and when I am not really caring he's interested. (Yeah he does seem spurred on at times when he sees others might be noticing me) I do care alot for dude. Sent him some cool gifts recently and wish I could do more especially since he is having a hard time in school right now. Then there are the men in my life I know who are secretly gay or bi and think I don't know. Not that I am big on making passes at anyone but I made a promise after what happened  here at work that I would NEVER  show feelings for someone who hasn't shown me any. Why waste energy on whats at most a stupid fantasy? And plus....well you know what they say....Sometimes you have to let something go and if its meant to be it'll come back to you. Over the years family has been there and I have been guilty of pushing them aside. Dealing with personal shit. Thinking they probably wouldn't understand. Yet I can't say that they ever really made me feel unloved. Going back home is kinda scary because I gotta see all those who have become strangers. Some will be new faces I've never met but (my brain is trying to recall a dream now) most if not all of those faces will be smiling at me. Even though we are grieving we'll be overjoyed to see each other....regardless of money....how inshape or out of shape I am....no college degree or fancy car..... I think I need to be more mindful of how fortunate I really am.