Confessions of a sad superhero book 25

My unbiased account of what had happened....

So more drama happened. I talked before about Monday. I'd gone up to the kitchen to ask Nick to call out when he took his break because I didn't know he was on break and when he doesn't call it out then I have to guess when to enter it into the log. Which is something that could cause problems if something went down and people look at the log and they will wonder where you are at a certain time if its not in the log. Nick wasn't hearing anything I said at all. He went off on me and we got into a yelling match that left me feeling drained and confused. Like had I done something wrong? At one point during the argument he even went so far as to accuse me of trying to be the ideal co-worker or perfect employee. (I really hope he doesn't deny this stuff tonight when we have a sit down with one of our bosses because he has a tendency to "forget" certain things and he loves to bring up past stuff to throw me off or just deflect) (Does he like to argue (?) because he seems energized afterwards) He says I don't call out when I take my breaks. He also feels I should know what time he takes his breaks even though he couldn't tell me what time I take mine. Honestly when I went home Tuesday morning I was not in a good place and felt the anxiety stirring again. This is something I have had under control for months until Nick took me there. I ended up taking two days to clear my head and was able to ward off a migraine.

I initially felt months back when we got into it over who gets the front desk I should just let him take the desk and I would start with the patrols but this was never discussed and recently I even got into some drama with other guards because I arrive early and don't relieve them early since Nick takes the desk first. So last night after many months I took the desk and the first thing Nick does (of course after making sure no one was around) is go "So you're establishing your dominance" And of course it triggered a reaction even though I already knew what to say. I told Nick that going forward we should not speak to each other unless its work related. He then went on about how we already had a routine and I just told him to go on patrol and do his job. Dude knew he was wrong thats why he started raising his voice to try and intimidate me yelling I always do my job. ALWAYS. And I am not gonna put up with this from you tonight! (He really got loud when another officer walked over and kinda escalated things by laughing instead of asking what was wrong which would have been the right thing to do) Now I don't know whats going on with Nick. I don't know if its lack of rest, money problems or working two jobs but he has become very difficult to work with and I was so upset and sent back into full anxiety mode my boss let me go home because he could hear how upset I was on the phone. My heart is still beating fast and even after taking some sleeping pills I was only able to sleep momentarily. I have been in a strange place myself the past few months. Apprehensive at times. Not really cleaning my place and dealing with so much other stuff. Working on projects and doing things like listening to music, watching movies or videogames help keep me centered but the job itself is stressful. Homeless people outside. Prostitutes outside. Drugged out folks on the property. People fighting. dangerous mentally ill people on the streets you gotta avoid. Insane folks on the buses. Sleeping on the buses and sometimes you can't get a seat because its so much and some are not even wearing masks during this pandemic. Then you gotta go to work and deal with co-workers or staff who treat you a certain kind of way or think they can just push you around and something has got to give. My back hurts. My feet hurt sometimes and I'm running back and forth to the dentist to get work done. I talk to a shrink every Tuesday. I have been doing a pretty decent job of staying centered but I can't be someones emotional dumping ground. I feel that I have been thrust into a situation where I must either quit this job or fight back because I have faced tough times during my 12 years at the LGBT center and there were times I did not think I would last. Sometimes I come to work worrying something crazy is gonna happen to make me lose the job but i have stuck thru it. I am not perfect and will never be "the ideal employee" I am just a man who comes to work everyday so I can pay my bills, struggling to believe in my community even as it often seems on the verge of tearing itself apart. I have tried to be encouraging to Nick. Not just because I like(d) him. I think he has potential and he's wasting it yet its his life and I try also not to judge because not everybody arrives at the train at the same time. I haven't quite arrived yet myself. The thing is I don't ask for much but I do think if I am respecting you and giving you consideration not just as a friend but as a co-worker its not so far fetched that I expect respect and consideration in return. I just can't let people walk all over me and I cannot be in a hostile environment everyday no matter how much I might like my job and all the good the center has done for me over the years. I am open to working things out but I realize things will probably never go back to us being cool again because mostly I am tired of having my trust abused by people I tried to see the greater good in.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 24

 Light in the tunnel.

Been making tremendous progress in my Gerbilla comic. We have like 11 pages so far. My goal is 16 pages. I am thinking of either letting that be a complete issue or maybe bringing in another faster artist to write the second half of issue one. Perhaps another 16 pages? Theres quite a number of unfinished comic projects and stories that need my attention. Plus I wanna do a Black Panther fan film (with Sir Nathan of Delphia) sooner than later. How much simpler this would all be if I had more time and money to devote you know? Speaking of money I was able to treat myself to that Xbox series S that I have been wanting for awhile. Pre-orders went live a week ago (promptly breaking the internet as the PS5 pre-orders did a week earlier) It was a miracle of divine proportions I was able to evade the scalper "bots" online and get a pre-order thru the microsoft store. The Xbox series "S" is a more budget friendly next gen system for folks who don't have a 4K tv. Also it is digital only as it doesn't play any discs. Microsoft has been making some power moves lately too because they bought Bethesda; one of the biggest game companies out here now. They paid 7.5 billion in republic credits. I really wish I could get a big company like Microsoft to back me on some videogame projects. Maybe I can get them to help me start a company thats geared towards minority game developers. Something to think about as I build my creative portfolio. People can and will just say say all Sergio does is sit around and play videogames and read comics but thats because they don't know the truth. In reality Sergio has been busy consistently working on and investing in numerous projects. Some of which are nearing completion....

I recently connected with a cool guy via instagram. He lives in a neighboring city. Works in the medical field. He's cute and likes to talk on the phone which seems to be a rare thing with guys these days. Folks mostly wanna text which I can't really get with. I'm from the old skool where people actually talked to each other on the phone. Or at least video chatted. He has a stutter which I find to be adorable. (Not that I would tell him that) He is a bit older than me. Doesn't like horror movies, comic books or videogames. Sexually we seem compatible but I am wondering what the in person chemistry will be like. He's not hyper masculine like most of the guys I like but thats okay because they are the ones who seem to have the most problems. Don't even get me started on the mirror kissers. This guy is at least close. Closer than the African guys that keep hitting me up on Facebook. I'm not even sure if I can trust these guys because the conversation always seems to swing towards them needing money for something. Speaking of Africans Captain Liberia video chatted with me the other day. I told him I might wanna come up there to see him next month when I have vacation time. I still think we are gonna be leaning more towards the friendship side of things as it doesn't appear he is into me sexually anymore. Maybe he's just got so much on his table he can't really focus on anyone other than his family life and paying the bills. His daughters are cool by the way. I sent them some comic book related gifts and one I sent a cookbook because I enjoyed her hot spicy food. She says she wants to learn American food and I think she has talent. As much as I'd love to take a trip I really think I need to stay my ass home and finally get around to cleaning up my place....

Confessions of a sad superhero book 23

 Transference of energy.

At work this morning I got into a particularly nasty argument with "that co-worker" The guy I was in serious like with after not liking  him so much and now I am right back there again. But this time it feels different. He broke my trust and confirmed something I really haven't accepted until recently. Dude really doesn't give a damn about me. He is self centered to the point where he will twist things and even lie before being held accountable for anything he does wrong. Its no wonder he's single. Seriously.  I know I have some issues but I can look at other people and realize sometimes I am too hard on myself for my shortcomings. 

This guy often doesn't call out his breaks on the radio so sometimes I'm not sure what time he's going. Now I always call out my break even though he says I do not. I asked him to prove that and just as he did last week when I asked him to back up a claim he was like "I'm not gonna sit here and waste my time proving something" Seems kinda Donald Trumpish. We got into a big argument because he refused to see my point and kept bringing up other stuff for us to argue about. He claimed I was upstairs for 30 minutes before I started my patrol tonight. Thats because he saw me sitting in front of my computer around 10:15pmish. I went back and looked at the digital readout on the iPhone we do our detex on and I went off the grid for maybe 10-13 minutes tops. We scan bar codes during our patrols and if anyone looked at the codes they would see where we go and how long it takes to do our rounds. At one point in the argument he even accused me of trying to be this "perfect model co-worker" yet I have never called myself that. I also noticed he kept going on as if he had to get the last word in. I think he got off on arguing because he got really cheerful and energetic afterward. But I was more in shock than anything else that he refused to accept that he often does not call his breaks and I am expected to automatically know and write down when he takes his break when I could not get him to say when I take my breaks. Someone I spoke to said I should involve a supervisor. I felt like going home but long ago I did that when another co-worker kept coming for me. I ended up out of a job while I am sure that other person didn't lose any sleep over my situation. It hasn't escaped me that some of the people who work here feel like they can just say and do whatever to me without repercussions. Its reality none of these folks are my friends. They are just here to collect a paycheck and none of them think of me when we are not onsite. As usual I am the outcast even in a place thats supposed to be a safe place for outcasts. All I can do is remember my promise to hang in here until the end of the year at least. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize. Don't quit out of anger. Do it right with notice. Until then save my money. Focus on my projects and keep my eyes on the prize as they say. Alot of people feel angry and lost and they don't have proper outlets so they take that shit out on folks sometimes just because we are there. Its not right and I am convinced much of the time they know exactly what they are doing when its happening. I gotta be careful from now on. Stick to myself. Don't talk to people or try to get personal with them because it ain't worth it. Most people I find in general lack the capability to appreciate a truly good person yet they have no problems flipping the script on you when its to their advantage or subjecting you to the fruits of their own mental illness as opposed to actually trying to fix the issues. There is a certain freedom in keeping folks at an arms length.... 

Update: A co-worker said that there seemed to be something  in the air because other people were acting up on the floors of the shelter and also two best friends got into it and had to be separated. I really haaaaate arguments because everytime it feels like its the end of that relationship. Like it needs to be cut off right then before the person can hurt me again and I don't like seeing that part of myself. Sometimes my emotions just flow although I was more in control this morning when dude flipped on me. It was like the person I knew was replaced by this nasty individual who seemed to always know exactly what to say and he controlled the argument by dragging me in. Deflecting  all the blame and turning me into this terrible person who was a worse off employee than him and there was no way I could prove otherwise. Its like he knew I wouldn't go thru the trouble to prove my point. I was only trying to get him to  call out when he took his break so I could write it down but he just went far back to bring out stuff from the past that had nothing to do with the current situation. Some stuff I might have a hard time proving. And 99% of what he said was untrue. I don't know if he was saying it to hurt me or if he actually believes he's right. Do I need to start carefully documenting every interaction we have? I guess you really have no choice but to keep your distance from someone who will in a heartbeat go back and bring up stuff to hurt you instead of owning up. He will never apologize either. I know this. Why? Because like some others I know he is ALWAYS right. I get the idea he resents me for actually caring about my job and why shouldn't I? It pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head. He seems to hate working there ALOT. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 22

"BIG ASS PINK ELEPHANT IN THE DAMN ROOM"

I am gay
sorta bi
lover of animals
and have not (completely) given up on the humans.
I am gay
sorta bi
never been with a woman
although peer pressure sought to drive me there
plus I actually pay for music,movies and comics. (Do you?)
You are
trans
you say your walk is like mine.
But is it really?
Some trans distance themselves from the gay community
saying you are not really a part of this community
yet suddenly I see
"black trans lives matter" everywhere.
What kind of a movement is this
or are you trying to jump on board the train?
I am gay
sorta bi
all writer
and I draw (sometimes)
You can say I fit in many communities
and I get that men in dresses who identify as women have done so much for us
long before body parts were being taken away and rearranged
but what were you doing all these years when
black men were being hung
burnt and terrorized
dragged behind cars
beaten and deformed
stopped at gun point because they supposedly looked like so-and-so
handcuffed for broken tail lights and left to rot in jail?
I am gay
sorta bi
certainly weird
and possibly addicted to pop culture
plus I believe in little green men too!
I fit in a number of tribes
even though I often feel I don't fit in these places
because I don't think like they all do
and I call folks out on BS when I see it....
Now I ain't trying to make nobody mad
Still....
I want you to think about some of what you say you're about
So.....
I gotta ask....
if black lives matter
why the hell ain't nobody protesting
how many black folks die at the hands of
other black folks
-EVERY FUCKING DAY-???!?
What about the drugs and gangs running rampant in our communities?
Kids have to be exposed to that shit eryday (not a mispelling yet I bet you noticed it and turn a blind eye to other more important issues)
In some parts of the world kids gotta dodge bullets and step over bodies on their way to school
and folks be getting killed for havin opinions or speakin out about injustices
Why ain't nobody protestin that shit?
Worldwide even.
Because that shit ain't right.
What kind of sentient beings are you?
What kind of politically driven agenda webs are ya'll weaving here?
And please STOP saying "ALL LIVES MATTER" just to piss people off
because you're really not helping the situation.
If you really want to make a difference and show us how objective you can be
just put your money where your mouth is.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 21

"Fish out of water syndrome"

At work the other night I expressed concern to a certain co-worker about making sure the other guard got his break. We are usually short a guard and have to make sure the other officer gets a break. This was passed down to us by our bosses. Now when I spoke to my co-worker about looking out for the other guard his reaction kinda threw me. Stuff like "Oh well" and "Its not my responsibility to look out for somebody else" But it kinda is up to us to look out for each other and cover each others backs. There have even been times when we have had to go looking for him when he fell asleep somewhere and I even went out of my way to help him get to work once. I usually share if I order pizza and there have been numerous times when other guards or even other depts have gone out of their way to give us food. I think its safe to say most of us have gone to the store and brought back stuff for others because they asked. So theres that. Sometimes I just get reminders that some of the folks I deal with on the daily are only out for self and they have some personality quirks I need to distance myself from. How can you get right mentally when all you are around is folks with tons of mental issues which would not be tolerated in a healthy environment? Perhaps dude was just tired and didn't really mean what he said. I do however get this feeling that he kinda holds back on being nice.

I thought it might be because he knows I like him (Not nearly as much as I once did mind you) So to some folks if they are too nice they figure it might give you this false idea of hope (I think) He didn't come in to work last night because of a car issue and I thought about helping him as I did before. Then I thought about what he said about not being responsible for anyone else. So I didn't do anything. Honestly it was cool that he wasn't there last night because I didn't have to do patrols or have to deal with him cranking the heat up or how awkward things can be between us at times. Like sometimes he imitates things I do. I suppose he's doing these things subconsciously. Listening to music. Playing it loud. Coming to the console and leaving when I haven't finished packing my stuff for rotation. As if he doesn't want to be near me. Being tethered to his laptop. There are other things he does too and no I'm not saying he's a bad person. I do think he is his own worse enemy though and getting that dog might have been him just giving up on having any real meaningful intimate relations with people. Also it drives me crazy he's abandoned his musical gifts. I don't believe he will ever really do anything with it. Going to the gym and getting in shape....shutting people out is only the equivalent of sweeping shit under the rug when the solution to your misery is daring to believe in and pursuing your dream. Everything else is just a place holder.

I think its ironic being around people you could actually be a power couple with and build an empire with but they would rather reject you for mediocrity or what they believe is what they want/need or should have as dictated by society. Much of the time I look in the mirror and I see a guy many would reject because of body type. No car. No college degree. Arsty fartsy minded. Many might think I'm unrealistic with my dreams or goals. Guys have straight out dropped out of a conversation once they found out I was into comic books. I don't know that I am really the most fashionable. Its a struggle at times with the self esteem. I try to avoid certain situations due to anxiety and the occasional panic attack although they have gotten rare nowadays.

I keep hearing how weird is cool and folks are free to be themselves or celebrated for their weirdness. Sometimes people do treat you like something is wrong with you if you don't conform to what society believes to be normal no matter what we are fed by the media. People still get bullied or picked on for being different. Even in the gay community. Hell sometimes I still deal with folks who come for me just because they feel they can. Its terrible at 51 to have an enemy (enemies) who constantly taunts you. Its the type of thing that can stunt your growth or turn you into a damn psycho if you're not careful.

I'd love to meet someone I am mentally and physically into who would just walk over and say "He man we have so much in common. Lets team up and make something special together" But noone seems to do that anymore. They look at your imperfections not understanding maybe they can help you as you would help them balance out things by complimenting each others strengths and weaknesses. It does not escape me I might meet someone who is perfect for me yet lacking in some areas I can assist them in. Its interesting most other people don't think this way. To me thats the only logical way of thinking and it could be the key to strong lasting LTRs. You look at a person and maybe you are only focusing on what they don't have as opposed to their strengths. Maybe you can help them on the areas they lack and they can do the same for you. ??? When did people lose the ability to think outside themselves or to be genuinely community-minded?

My life hasn't been perfect and I have done some things that bother me. But I have transformed alot over the years. A sense of honor and a strong moral code has been built up largely due to comics and the fact my family helped instill in me values as well as a good sense of what is right or wrong. This brain of mine has expanded absorbing so much data that at times it feels as if I am flying over most of humanity in advancements. Yes of course theres room for improvements yet I can easily outpace most around me in conversation and knowledge of things. So again I come back to this thought.... What would my life be like right now if my parents had been able to identify the unique qualities I possess and were able to put me in a relatively stress free nurturing environment designed to stimulate and encourage a sensitive (potentially genius) artistic mind? What kind of person would I be without all the emotional trauma I'm walking around with because of suffering at the hands of truly horrible and deranged folks? I know people say you are exactly where you are supposed to be yet I keep feeling Sergio is supposed to be stronger, happier and more accomplished than this. I feel sometimes like a crab in a pot. A plant without enough water trying to spread roots in dry ass concrete soil. If I looked in a magic mirror to see the Sergio who hadn't endured so many fucked up individuals who would I see?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 20

"COMPUTER BLUES"

Had quite the day today. I bought my small little Lenova laptop I bought years ago to replace the Toshiba one that Ezequiel helped me get (which ended up getting stolen in Detroit) I bought the Lenova for $139.00 and thought I was getting a good deal. Of course if I knew then how little you can do with 32 gigs of storage I would not have bought it. Now I have been struggling for awhile trying to find a solution to the lack of storage space and the fact the computer wouldn't allow me to do any updates even with external storage. So last night I was trying to trouble shoot and had finally reached the point where I was just gonna retire the kid in my locker but lo and behold in walks Kernel the resident computer genius guy (who I have always found to be cute in that rugged kind of way) My co-worker Wendell-Thanos was like "Heres the man you need to talk to" So I explained my computer woes because I really did not wanna abandon the laptop that had kept me afloat during some crazy times. Kernel told me to come around to his office so I went and got the laptop out of my locker. I'd just put her in there moments earlier. Kernel looked her over and determined the problem. There was literally no more space left and some hidden files were causing all the problems. Kernel spent hours trouble shooting until we were able to finally free up enough onboard space to wipe the system and start over again. Then after downloading the new windows we spent hours doing updates. I didn't get out of here (I'm at work now) until almost 11am and I was so tired I went straight to sleep after I got home. Its so amazing though to have my Lenova back functioning as if she were a brand new computer all over again. Kernel saved me alot of trouble and he provided a valuable service to me. I was actually gonna call on the dude who helped me add more storage and memory to my MSI baby that I'm on now. He's my gaming laptop. I'm kinda on the fence about whether or not I even need to invest in a next gen console  (PS5 or more than likely XBOX) when I have a perfectly capable $800.00 powerhouse who can run all those upcoming games. One of the cool things about gaming laptops nowadays is that you can either upgrade or simply install drivers to insure you have all the features to run the games. Plus with cloud gaming rapidly becoming a thing it can be said current owners of hardware might not ever need to buy anything else. With cloud gaming the heavy lifting is being done elsewhere so you can have even a shitty old computer and still be able to play super high Def Call of Duty in 3-D. (Mostly true) The games are actually streaming to you from another location like you would stream a Netflix movie. Thats the direction the gaming industry is heading. Some folks don't like it and I understand as I like owning my stuff without being so dependent on the internet. When you have a physical copy you own it as long as your machine can play it. You could concieveably maintain hardware forever if you take good care of it. Most people do not. The downside to "owning" and streaming digital media is you face the possibility of losing it if for whatever reason you lose internet access or the content becomes unavailable to redownload and you don't have it backed up somewhere. (Ask me how I know!) Sometimes companies lose licenses or disputes happen. Etc. Its kind of a mess. Well I am going to enjoy telling this little adventure to my shrink later. I also need to start writing stuff in my little composition notebook. She thinks its a good idea to write things down.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 19

I went to North Dakota to see "Captain Liberia" for a little birthday getaway. I think it was something I needed to do. I needed to get out of LA for a minute and I needed to just see what kind of connection I still have with this guy. As it stands I think the flame between us has dimmed. He piucked the worst possible moment to tell me he'd been with someone else and it was in that moment I came to realize and accept we are NOT on the same page romantically. Maybe the truth is we've never really been and I have just been blinded to it but for sometime now I have felt things were not going to end well with me and "Captain Liberia" I mean....honestly things are crazy right now with his life. Money is tight because his three daughters are living with him. One is special needs. Also he's is school and working almost all the time. Emotionally he has really nothing to give to anyone who wants a relationship. So the trip while kinda sobering wasn't a waste. I guess what I'm trying to say is I now know for sure where we stand and I am free with the knowledge I did try to love this man. The writing was on the wall and its time to move on. Although I suppose we will always be friends. I have no idea when we will see each other again.

It was strange being on the plane and they didn't offer any food. Everyone was wearing a mask and most people seemed to be sitting spaced apart. The middle plane seats as far as I could see were empty. Social distancing they call it. I found it kinda hard to breathe with that damn mask on. At one point I think I had some sort of panic attack when I tried to go to sleep with eye covers on. I had to sit up and take them off and sorta pull the mask back a bit so I could breathe easier. You find yourself stifling coughs or sneezes and whenever someone else coughs or sneezes you can just feel the energy change in the room.

Coming back to work was weird. A co-worker who normally seems mostly cool basically started tripping because I guess he felt I should relieve him since I was onsite early. That was the other day. Then when I came in to this shift a co-worker who has always been kinda weird and stand-offish with me even when he seems cool walked away when I asked him if he could hand me some keys. About two weeks ago a lady co-worker tried to put me on blast on the walkie talkie about abreviating her name and I was like why do you have to say that over the radio where everybody can hear it? Of course there was no response. I find myself getting pissed and really wondering if I am gonna be able to stay on this job with some of these people but then I remind myself that alot of folks that work in particular fields or at night lack certain social skills and some folks here are ghetto as hell with seemingly no home training in etiquette or how to communicate. Then some people just want to lash out at the nice guy who seems happy all the time like a big kid (when he's really a grown ass man with his own problems to worry about) Sometimes I get the idea some people might even feel threatened by me or envious but whatever. On top of that a certain person here will sit with his heater on him all night even when the thermostat is at a high temperature. He even goes to other floors and raises the temperature. I swear he has an issue with his body temp and I told him he should see a doctor because this is not normal but of course he just brushes me aside and acts as if its nothing. Probably because noone else has ever dared call him on it. At the counter he will adjust the monitors after I move them and also when I tape the charger for our job iphone (so the cord won't be on the floor) he will come right behind me and move the tape. I often wonder if he does these things to try and start an argument. I don't know and I'm just tired of saying anything. Often when I come to the console theres boogies or nose hairs and I ask him about it and he tried to turn it around saying he notices that after I leave. (Really???) These are only a few of the things I have to endure on top of the usual insanity from residents or homeless folks/druggies outside and trans prostitutes that hang around on the property. Sometimes folks who work in other depts are weird too. Not just with me but with other security too. Also there is a serious problem in here with little tiny flies and mosquitoes. In truth every job has "stuff" and you gotta be able to mentally transport yourself above it all. Some days are better than others. I just gotta keep my eyes on the prize. Focus on projects. Save money and take comfort in the fact I am not gonna be sticking around here for much longer. Ideally till Feb 2021 at the latest. I need to be around some more emotionally well rounded folks. Tired of dealing with crazies all the time and being taken for granted.