"Fish out of water syndrome"
At work the other night I expressed concern to a certain co-worker about making sure the other guard got his break. We are usually short a guard and have to make sure the other officer gets a break. This was passed down to us by our bosses. Now when I spoke to my co-worker about looking out for the other guard his reaction kinda threw me. Stuff like "Oh well" and "Its not my responsibility to look out for somebody else" But it kinda is up to us to look out for each other and cover each others backs. There have even been times when we have had to go looking for him when he fell asleep somewhere and I even went out of my way to help him get to work once. I usually share if I order pizza and there have been numerous times when other guards or even other depts have gone out of their way to give us food. I think its safe to say most of us have gone to the store and brought back stuff for others because they asked. So theres that. Sometimes I just get reminders that some of the folks I deal with on the daily are only out for self and they have some personality quirks I need to distance myself from. How can you get right mentally when all you are around is folks with tons of mental issues which would not be tolerated in a healthy environment? Perhaps dude was just tired and didn't really mean what he said. I do however get this feeling that he kinda holds back on being nice.
I thought it might be because he knows I like him (Not nearly as much as I once did mind you) So to some folks if they are too nice they figure it might give you this false idea of hope (I think) He didn't come in to work last night because of a car issue and I thought about helping him as I did before. Then I thought about what he said about not being responsible for anyone else. So I didn't do anything. Honestly it was cool that he wasn't there last night because I didn't have to do patrols or have to deal with him cranking the heat up or how awkward things can be between us at times. Like sometimes he imitates things I do. I suppose he's doing these things subconsciously. Listening to music. Playing it loud. Coming to the console and leaving when I haven't finished packing my stuff for rotation. As if he doesn't want to be near me. Being tethered to his laptop. There are other things he does too and no I'm not saying he's a bad person. I do think he is his own worse enemy though and getting that dog might have been him just giving up on having any real meaningful intimate relations with people. Also it drives me crazy he's abandoned his musical gifts. I don't believe he will ever really do anything with it. Going to the gym and getting in shape....shutting people out is only the equivalent of sweeping shit under the rug when the solution to your misery is daring to believe in and pursuing your dream. Everything else is just a place holder.
I think its ironic being around people you could actually be a power couple with and build an empire with but they would rather reject you for mediocrity or what they believe is what they want/need or should have as dictated by society. Much of the time I look in the mirror and I see a guy many would reject because of body type. No car. No college degree. Arsty fartsy minded. Many might think I'm unrealistic with my dreams or goals. Guys have straight out dropped out of a conversation once they found out I was into comic books. I don't know that I am really the most fashionable. Its a struggle at times with the self esteem. I try to avoid certain situations due to anxiety and the occasional panic attack although they have gotten rare nowadays.
I keep hearing how weird is cool and folks are free to be themselves or celebrated for their weirdness. Sometimes people do treat you like something is wrong with you if you don't conform to what society believes to be normal no matter what we are fed by the media. People still get bullied or picked on for being different. Even in the gay community. Hell sometimes I still deal with folks who come for me just because they feel they can. Its terrible at 51 to have an enemy (enemies) who constantly taunts you. Its the type of thing that can stunt your growth or turn you into a damn psycho if you're not careful.
I'd love to meet someone I am mentally and physically into who would just walk over and say "He man we have so much in common. Lets team up and make something special together" But noone seems to do that anymore. They look at your imperfections not understanding maybe they can help you as you would help them balance out things by complimenting each others strengths and weaknesses. It does not escape me I might meet someone who is perfect for me yet lacking in some areas I can assist them in. Its interesting most other people don't think this way. To me thats the only logical way of thinking and it could be the key to strong lasting LTRs. You look at a person and maybe you are only focusing on what they don't have as opposed to their strengths. Maybe you can help them on the areas they lack and they can do the same for you. ??? When did people lose the ability to think outside themselves or to be genuinely community-minded?
My life hasn't been perfect and I have done some things that bother me. But I have transformed alot over the years. A sense of honor and a strong moral code has been built up largely due to comics and the fact my family helped instill in me values as well as a good sense of what is right or wrong. This brain of mine has expanded absorbing so much data that at times it feels as if I am flying over most of humanity in advancements. Yes of course theres room for improvements yet I can easily outpace most around me in conversation and knowledge of things. So again I come back to this thought.... What would my life be like right now if my parents had been able to identify the unique qualities I possess and were able to put me in a relatively stress free nurturing environment designed to stimulate and encourage a sensitive (potentially genius) artistic mind? What kind of person would I be without all the emotional trauma I'm walking around with because of suffering at the hands of truly horrible and deranged folks? I know people say you are exactly where you are supposed to be yet I keep feeling Sergio is supposed to be stronger, happier and more accomplished than this. I feel sometimes like a crab in a pot. A plant without enough water trying to spread roots in dry ass concrete soil. If I looked in a magic mirror to see the Sergio who hadn't endured so many fucked up individuals who would I see?
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