Light In The Tunnel.

I went to the donut shop and stood in line and wasn't filled with a sense of worry because it took awhile. That's how I've been feeling for the longest and the owner of the donut shop used to look at me realizing something was going on in my head.

I have been dreaming. Sometimes a bad dream which is rare but mostly the dreams are just regular stuff. No otherworldly adventures with velociraptors chasing me in my Grandmothers house. Not lately.

Seems people are trying to come out of the closet around me lately. I guess folks are starting to realize alot of the shit we have been taught about religion and our sexuality is BS. Congrats I say to the rest of the world for finally catching on. And no I'm not saying this like I have all the answers because I do NOT.

Its crazy how people will come for you. Out of nowhere it seems. Its like they see you on top of the mountain enjoying the sprizzle of fresh clean cool cleansing water on your face and they wanna defecate all over your dreams. Some obsess over trying to destroy a persons happiness. Sometimes it seems impossible to get away from nasty minded individuals with too much time on their hands. Some of the worst enemies to have are mentally ill folks or supernaturally inclined individuals who have lost their way. Ask me how I know. Actually no don't ask me.

I fantasized about someone from my past. Someone(s) from my past really. Sometimes I am a cop or hero being taken by a criminal. But it usually is like that real experience where I got what I wanted and that person blew my mind completely. It was terrible in some cases yet mostly I just think of the good encounters that happened when it was something I figured would never happen in reality. The gay closeted dude who torments me either directly or from a distance inflicting so much mental damage but he secretly wants me (as twisted as that seems) Then "it" happens and I feel myself becoming sprung all the while wishing I had never got myself in that situation but it just feels so damn good when he's inside me. In reality he knows I like him but nothing will ever happen because we both resist our feelings. In reality "it" happened or mostly almost happened because he was too big to go inside me and in one case dude came just from the excitement of trying to enter me. Ain't that some shit? Here I was with a man straight out of my dreams with a body like WOW and he was the size of a beer can. I kid you not. I'm just glad he was understanding.... In one reality it was so terrible and painful and it happened in one reality on the job and we basically didn't talk afterwards. Sometimes its better to let a fantasy stay a fantasy.

The world seems insane but its not all bad. I think about my friends and the people who do good or people who have helped me along the way. I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing for Thanksgiving but Nice Monster Productions asked me if I was going to "The Stinking Rose" and I said yes because me and "Sir Nathan Of Delphia" were planning to go anyway. Still trying to not think of Brianopolis as an incredibly handsome villain because of what went down with "that film" and sometimes I feel myself wondering just how much I should be trusting anybody when so many are only out for themselves ultimately. It feels like its a struggle walking this path trying to stay positive and searching for other good people to be around. Trying not to fall into that place of thinking folks are a mess. Many are but its like unto being a bird and trying to fly up out of these twisty thorny rose bushes. It would be cool to go stay in Africa for awhile you know because plenty of guys are coming at me from there. No lie. (Excuse me I had to go blow the nose. Damn allergies) Just now on the radio (KROQ) they were talking about how people will even resist when you try to do something good for them and I think back to a co-worker telling me how folks might think you are up to no good if you seem too nice to them. I am nice 95% of the time and as far as wanting anything in return for it what exactly can another person give me for being nice to them that one can't get for oneself? I read the news and see people helping animals. I see folks coming together during disasters. Radio stations do kind things to help families in need and companies do these random acts of kindness drives. People give away clothes,toys or free food during the holidays. I have had bosses at jobs really go out of their way to help me when they knew I was going thru something. People have protected me from bullies. Teachers have provided comfort at times when just the thought of being in school felt like a nightmare. Sometimes it is those thoughts of good will towards me or others that inspires and keeps me from going too dark when the comics,videogames and all these other outlets are not enough. But the fact somebody(S!) sparked me into existence and then somebody else carried me around inside their belly for nine months....well those acts pretty much trump anything else anyone has done for me.

About a week ago I was in Ralphs and about to check out. All my groceries were on the conveyer/counter thing and I was waiting for this other person to finish checking out. I seem to recall they were taking a very long time. But I wasn't tripping at all until this little middle eastern girl who was RIGHT behind me just sort of leaned over and coughed....right on my groceries. I was like "You need to cover your mouth when you cough" The father seemed kinda oblivious but he got where I was coming from. The cashier agreed with me that there are alot of folks running around coughing and sneezing without bothering to cover their mouths and it also seems to be a cultural thing.

Donald Trump is in the news alot these days. I guess the truth is he is always in the news. The democratic party seems intent on impeaching him. I don't think its gonna work. See what happened was there was a phone call where Donald Tramp er Trump asked another politician from Ukraine to give him some dirt on a political rival. So now everyone is all running around trying to decide if Trump broke any rules by doing what he did. From where I stand Donald Trump has done and said alot of things that would have seen Obama driven out of office but I won't go there. From where I stand it appears Trump can say and do whatever he wants whether its right or wrong the Republican party will support or defend him or simply say nothing. Just pretend it never happened. Just to be clear I have republican friends who think Trump is a clown. I just wonder if he is a lesser evil. Its not as if the democratic party has clean hands either. None of these people are perfect but I find it hard to believe any of them really have my best interests in mind. I mean do any of them really care about me or my respective communities or do they just want our votes?  Yeah you might say I have lost faith in politics among other things. Stop trying to manipulate me and just bring about some positive change why don't you?

Started the anxiety program at Kaiser Monday. Until I'm done i will be off work. The program is three weeks. I had to jump thru some hoops to get the time off approved. As stressful as that was at least HR at my job was awesome and really helped me survive the process. The program is structured like a class and you have a bunch of folks mostly stressed out over their jobs. The facilitators give us solutions for stressful situations or difficult people. We learn techniques and exercises to cope. Breathing exercises and stretches....visualization stuff. It helps to know there are other folks dealing with this shit. I mean you go to work and deal with stuff but then stuff builds up and some of us are just built differently and can't process shit like the majority or we simply reach that threshold where we need help to keep us from completely losing it. I guess like Madonna says "Its a set up until you're fed up" I wake up heart racing....headaches come frequently and then there are triggers that send me to places. I rarely leave the house and have drastically stopped cleaning up. Not writing as much. Sometimes I feel numb and things I used to do to help don't help as much and I keep fantisizing about wanting to go back in time to fix all the things I have fucked up in my life. There are times it feels kinda hopeless and that no one will ever love or understand me. My mind goes into dark places and its a struggle to climb out at times. Haven't called home in awhile and that approaching filming date just seems so fucking far away because the script never seems quite right. I look at my body and it feels off. It should be stronger,better and eventually I'll start exercising yet when is that day gonna come? I could get Sir Nathan to help me but theres a worry its gonna get expensive. Someone from the Daughters scenario has been contacting me about working with them on a project but its like salt on a wound. You want my help with writing when you threw out all my story elements from another project? It just doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't you just work with another writer? I still have not forgiven you on some levels and need space.

Google came out with a new videogame system the other day. Its really just an application technically because there is no console. All you have is a controller and a chromecast device. The games are streamed from Google servers onto whatever device you wanna use. Tablet, smart tv or even your phone. Trouble is most folks do not have internet strong enough to handle these streams. Also you can't download any games. They should allow some wiggle room on that because it really means if you lose internet access there goes the access to your games. I tried Sony's streaming service awhile back and Xcloud sounds intriguing but the thought of no downloading options or even taking away physical media altogether makes me uneasy. Companies would have too much control over your stuff.

Tyler Perry is making moves again. He is the owner of the largest black film production company in the world. He bought up a military base years ago and converted it into a humoungous studio. I wouldn't mind the opportunity to work with Tyler one day. I mean....I do like the Madea films. Also its great having someone doing some positive things in the community. Plus he gave one of the Duke boys a job and he always has the sexiest brothers in his stuff. I guess I am just waiting on Tyler Perry to get involved in horror/fantasy and sci-fi material. Those are my genres. (Yes I am aware he was in Star Trek)

I dunno. For the longest I have been thinking about perhaps doing some sort of nerd oriented talk show or program featuring pop culture related topics geared more towards others who might be able to relate to my life. Just seems there is a demographic out there being ignored by the major players and for the right person with the right idea it could help alot of people plus it would be a goldmine of opportunities you know? Could provide outlets or jobs. Could launch a franchise or sorts but the big quetsion eating at me is where to start and who or what should be the face of this operation? You have to start somewhere and then build. Could be that the answer lies in these new short stories I have been working on and the relaunch of my SOL universe.

(Written at home to Game of Thrones S6 soundtrack via Spotify)

I got up this morning and started my daily routine. Well usually I am getting up at around 4pm not 5amish but whatever. Brushed the teeth,showered and got dressed. All with this weird smell of smoke coming in after I cracked open my door like I do most of the time. I guess there are still some fires going on. So much of the time I have to be careful about leaving my door open because these sneaky people smoke cigarettes later at night when they know the manager won't be around or they cook and smoke which masks the smell of cigarette smoke except I can still smell the chemicals. Had to start closing my door when I go to sleep because of inhaling second hand smoke. But at least the stupid car alarm wasn't going off this morning like it was yesterday. That damn thing went off for over an hour just non-stop. I guess the time was around 9 or 10amish. So I was really feeling this strong desire to write today. Been feeling this for a good while lately but I've been basically stopped up. So things kinda built up inside me. Reading comics, playing videogames, Netflix, Hulu (There goes that car alarm!) these things help me as they always have but lately (Now there goes my phone alarm!) I'm been feeling pretty numb inside. Thankfully my treatment program to deal with anxiety starts tomorrow. Its a 3 week program that kaiser has to help folks deal with the stress of anxiety. Much of it seems to revolve around work. (Will be on work leave till it ends) My mental state has been in a strange place since much of last year and it has much to do with things that started last year I think. Losing Daughters of Legend. Seeing a project I worked on and spent my time and money to create basically snatched away and then all the drama going on with bickering and threats of lawsuits. Friends becoming enemies. Then getting my stuff stolen in Detroit on what was supposed to be a birthday trip to help me recover. Constant migraine headaches and this inner battle to stay creative while all these things were going on. Not feeling happy at work and still dealing with weirdness at home due to issues with neighbors. Having to come to terms with The Dangerous African being so far away took a toll. Then there came this sobering feeling that love and romance might be gone from my life. So many things and the mind can begin to unravel. People don't really understand. Some think you're lying or making stuff up for whatever reason. But let me tell you it is a deep dark place when you start wondering if you can't trust your own mind because its been ripped in so many places. I kid you not when I say I have probably suffered at least six nervous breakdowns. Things I dealt with and have done my damndest to bounce back from. They do say some of your greatest victories will be private personal ones so there it is.

Sometimes I can feel myself slipping and it scares me. Waking up with a rapid heartbeat. Feeling numb inside. Wishing I could push a reset button on my life or just run away from everything because so much of it feels like....like I have failed in some ways and people will never accept me. Feeling like cars are going by and eyes are on me. Watching or waiting for me to make a mistake or fall so folks can say "Yep I was right about him" so they can feel good about themselves. Then there are times I feel I have let down so many people by not being perfect. Not having the right body type. Not being confident enough. It feels people look at me and see somethings wrong even though in reeality I understand I have done nothing and its not my problem what people think they know about me. It shouldn't be my problem but people will sometimes go out of their way to remind you that you have definitely fucked up in some areas of your life. I was at McDonalds yesterday and this hispanic lady who could barely speak or understand english got my order mixed up. There was a long line behind me and this Korean guy just gave me this look like I was just nothing. As if I needed a reminder so many of them hate black people. Yes I said it. Now I have Korean people in my life I love dearly who have looked out for me when it felt the rest of the world walked out but I have lived in Koreatown for many years so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend some Koreans and other races have a definite problem with black folks. The thing is to not let it spill out into your life where it affects how you treat others just because of the actions of a few.

Creatively speaking I have been keeping myself busy. Been brainstorming. Had some auditions and met some promising talent. Started on some literature. Getting ready to get back into filming next month. Been posting regularly on Instagram (Which is said to be getting rid of "likes" soon. Thats gonna be so strange. Are they trying to limit the interactivity of the platform?) Actually writing and animation are some things I'd like to focus much more on. These things are simply easier (and CHEAPER) to pull off. I've so many ideas and even though I get stuck sometimes its nice to know there are people out there who can help. People like Carrie Fisher did pretty good with ghostwriting and I think these people are often unsung heroes for many writers. Its not always cheap but at least you can get your manuscript done. The teddy bear novel has stalled because I got stuck. Gotta work on completing that and maybe consider having some reading sessions with a group setting to garner feedback. Honestly I'd love to get my brother involved in this stuff but I don't really have a gameplan for how I'm gonna do that. If we could be a writng team that would be awesome!

Theres so much that I want to do to make 2020 a truly amazing year full of accomplishments. Wanna go home to see my father. Wanna get in better shape. Wanna get some dental work. Wanna see about maybe getting glasses. Wanna work on the back pains I have at times. Wanna get my apartment back in tip top shape. (It really needs to be cleaned since I spiraled into some sort of depression) Gotta figure out what to do with all the excess clothing and other items in here.  Wanna pimp my gaming computer so its a super gaming computer. Looking froward to the next generation of gaming consoles by the way. It looks like I am gonna be leaning towards the Xbox side of things from now on. Even though Stadia did initially interest me. Hey I just like having the option to download or buy physical media. Something Google doesn't offer. Nintendo and Sone have cool stuff but Microsoft has an easier interface and they seem to be in the business of listening to the consumer. Of course they have slipped in some regard over the years but they did a complete turnaround these past few years. I'd love to see them become super cool like they were with the Xbox 360. 2020 might see a new President (Let us pray) but it might see these roots of mine pulled out and planted somewhere else too. Detroit is still on my radar despite "the incident". Theres really nothing holding me to California. I can have a successful creative career anywhere. Its looking more and more like 9-5 jobs are not for me. Not anymore. The writings been on the wall for awhile. Hopefully this Kaiser program can help me figure out what to do and get my life back on track. Can't keep doing something that doesn't make me happy and just going thru the motions hoping things will get better. My spirit can't pretend.

Got a little bit of excitement this morning at work while I was patrolling down in one of the parking areas. It was waaaaay in the back where a bunch of construction materials were that I picked up an all too familiar scent. One of my relatives used to come around and visit my father back when I was a youngin. He always had a particular smell because he drank alot of alcohol. So I recognized that scent on my patrol and noticed some things in the area seemed out of place. I moved in for a closer look and thats when a pittbull started growling at me. He/she was laying next to a white guy wearing a red and white striped shirt. This guy sat up rubbing his eyes and looking out of it. I told him he had to leave and he started apologizing and saying he didn't want any trouble. Said he'd gone out to a club and some other mess. I took out my little ipod touch so I could get some photos/videos in case people didn't believe me when I reported it. Now you know my nerves are kinda bad right now so my heart was beating real fast like. Dude left in a hurry because when I went back after stepping away for a moment he was gone. I did see him leaving when I went topside. He was like I'm sorry man. He also wasn't happy when he noticed I was videoing him. Honestly I am just surprised it took this long for me to walk up on someone down there.

HUMBLE PIE AND THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

Sir Nathan said he didn't really have anything else without God
other than his acting.
I didn't know what to say. We were talking about religion and how people believe so many crazy things. I'd mentioned religion because of a conversation I'd had with an artist earlier.
It was about how people believe so strongly these things that have been drilled into them
even if it defies logic
they will kill to hold on to those things.

I long for someone
he's close
So close at times I can touch him
yet he might as well be on another planet I can't fly to.
Then the other guy
he lives so far away and its funny
nowadays I'm starting to get the idea
he actually really does care
so much more than he did before.

I'll be soon going in to speak with a head shrink
someone who can help me
with the sudden waking up
erratic heartbeating
and states of general panic
then I can find out if I can keep working at the job
I'd say my job
but I'm not so sure if I belong there anymore.
I could leave
I'd be free
and my spirit would certainly soar
no more chains
but folks are saying I shouldn't quit
without security.
I try to explain to The Dangerous African
and he doesn't seem to understand my faith
in these gifts the higher power cultivated within me
These gifts inspire but they can help me survive too.
I guess its easy to disbelieve when you don't know any artists
people confident in their power
using their powers to live.

My nerves are shot
and working a 9-5 was only supposed to be a limited series.
The stupid studio execs just kept churning out
bad product until they wore out their welcome.
People stopped liking their stupid shows
and responded with violence because
the stupid studio execs JUST WOULDN'T LEAVE
OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL.

I'm tired of being a stupid studio exec.
Tired of social media throttling my flow
Tired of lost souls &
people dumber than me
coming for me
Its a kind of manufactured gravity to weigh one down.
Gotta fly from these malevolent forces
hidden or
right up in my face
trying to control my life.
I feel like
if I keep playing it safe
I run the risk of losing whats left of sanity
of spirit.

I need a time out
need to gather my wits
heal these mental scars

I need to go someplace where I can be who I'm meant to be.

Time to leave the hood.

Man have my legs been bothering me. I don't know what the hell is going on. Is it poor circulation because of my diet? Sitting or is it stress related? The nurse I spoke to on Monday when I went to Kaiser said that stress can cause this. I had to go for anxiety that was triggered last week at work when I had a nasty confrontation with a co-worker who persisted on taking the desk at the start of the shift. We'd just started working together and dude seemed cool. Really cool but like most people I guess its all about self because he tried to get me in trouble by logging down some stuff in our DAR. Its weird that as crazy as that night was I don't really think I'm upset at him. Its really just a matter of things building up inside and just stress and anxiety and next thing I knew I was having some kind of out of body experience. Why do I say out of body? Well I was in the shower this morning and it really hit me I have kinda been out of it with my projects. I have tried to be productive and even started writing and talked to people about collaborating on stuff yet as far as Sasquatch and other ongoing projects I drew a blank spot since Thursday night. Thats not like me. Especially since filming date is fast approaching. Saturdays audition didnt happen because a main actor cancelled saying his car was broken into. What a coincidence that it happened two days before an audition huh? Now I know things happen and he could have been telling the truth yet....I dunno.

So now I am on medication to help bring me down from the adrenalin rush lingering from last Thursday. And I have to call to make an appointment to see a specialist today. Its crazy how in one instant your life can change. One thing can cause a reaction. I've been doing good for awhile. Avoiding certain types of people and events. Working nights. Trying to stay focused yet it feels I have reached some breaking point and security is something I'm gonna need to leave behind sooner than later. I can't keep putting myself in stressful situations and expect my nerves to repair. Angry people. Potentially dangerous environments. Constant changes at work. It could be that I am too friendly too which is one reason why people seem to come for me so often in life situations. I'm starting to really understand and respect the art of being silent and to yourself in many life situations. Thing is as important as these life lessons are one cannot let oneself shut off completely from the world. After all not everybody is out to get me (even though it seems that way at times) Sometimes people do seem self-centered or conceited when they stay to themselves. That might not be true. It might also not be true they are socially awkward. Sometimes you protect yourself by staying to yourself.  We have to guard ourselves and learn to recognize things in people. Its not always easy to quickly access a person and see if they are a threat you know? In the Matrix Morpheus basically told Neo not to trust anyone else unless they are "woke". Its so funny how art can give solutions to life stuff. Then again much of art is inspired from life I suppose. I think I will be okay so long as I realize I am just visiting this job. I am there to provide a service and collect a check. Nothing there has an emotional connection to me. It doesn't matter who gets to the desk first just like it doesn't matter that people get upset when I ask them to not hang around the property. I should not be talking to people on a personal level. Well except for maybe the ninja and Mike and maybe "The Dell". Can't get comfortable there. Try to leave what happens at the job at the job. Focus on dispelling anger or anxiety to prevent build up or explosions or panic attacks. Also DON'T allow people to infect me with negative energy because that shit can stick to you and cling for days. And if things feel really bad then take a mental health day off work to deal with the shit going on in my head. Right now its still heavy on my mind "Do I return to work tomorrow?" Like I said before its not really about the stupid desk because I have no problem patrolling first or whatever. Its really about me working at a job longer than I should have and just knowing its time to get out. Feeling frustration over some things at work that might not change. Worrying about projects. Worrying about so many things in life....lack of things and then this feeling of putting up with things then knowing I deserve so much more and feelings sometimes of helplessness....wanting to just run away from everything....feeling so much uncertainty and keeping it all at bay then that dam breaks and it all just comes rushing out. You feel embarrassed it happened. Your nreves are fired up. Its not just about what just happened. Its just about EVERTHING that has ever happened. And the adrenalin flow....the shit just doesn't shut off and you're just left feeling scared it could happen again and it could be worse the next time. And I guess that why until further notice Sergio has to take that oh so small yet so mighty tiny white awful tasting pill (and a half) once a day. Welcome to -the real- indeed.

REJECTION OF A STEALTH FIGHTER

I thought it was me

Thought it was

The gay thing

Thought maybe that was why

You are so distant.

I thought maybe

It was my crazy.

Then one day you said

“Don’t think because you’re light skinned you’re one of them”

And that stuck with me

Because now I’m thinking

Maybe the real reason he’s distant

Is because of something else I can’t change.

I can’t change my complexion.

You see I never had a chance from the get go.

(If I’m right)

 ****

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

I think I’m in trouble

I think I’m in love with the enemy

Know its wrong

But everytime those images come

I rise

Thinking of that skin

Those strong arms and that smile.

It all belongs to the one I trusted

The one I feel betrayed me

Ripped out a part of me

Ran with it

He’s still running

Running towards some

Elusive prize

Be damned how I feel.

And I

I can’t make sense of the need

To feel him inside me.

It makes no sense really

So its my big secret.

Even if I think he already knows.