(Written at home to Game of Thrones S6 soundtrack via Spotify)

I got up this morning and started my daily routine. Well usually I am getting up at around 4pm not 5amish but whatever. Brushed the teeth,showered and got dressed. All with this weird smell of smoke coming in after I cracked open my door like I do most of the time. I guess there are still some fires going on. So much of the time I have to be careful about leaving my door open because these sneaky people smoke cigarettes later at night when they know the manager won't be around or they cook and smoke which masks the smell of cigarette smoke except I can still smell the chemicals. Had to start closing my door when I go to sleep because of inhaling second hand smoke. But at least the stupid car alarm wasn't going off this morning like it was yesterday. That damn thing went off for over an hour just non-stop. I guess the time was around 9 or 10amish. So I was really feeling this strong desire to write today. Been feeling this for a good while lately but I've been basically stopped up. So things kinda built up inside me. Reading comics, playing videogames, Netflix, Hulu (There goes that car alarm!) these things help me as they always have but lately (Now there goes my phone alarm!) I'm been feeling pretty numb inside. Thankfully my treatment program to deal with anxiety starts tomorrow. Its a 3 week program that kaiser has to help folks deal with the stress of anxiety. Much of it seems to revolve around work. (Will be on work leave till it ends) My mental state has been in a strange place since much of last year and it has much to do with things that started last year I think. Losing Daughters of Legend. Seeing a project I worked on and spent my time and money to create basically snatched away and then all the drama going on with bickering and threats of lawsuits. Friends becoming enemies. Then getting my stuff stolen in Detroit on what was supposed to be a birthday trip to help me recover. Constant migraine headaches and this inner battle to stay creative while all these things were going on. Not feeling happy at work and still dealing with weirdness at home due to issues with neighbors. Having to come to terms with The Dangerous African being so far away took a toll. Then there came this sobering feeling that love and romance might be gone from my life. So many things and the mind can begin to unravel. People don't really understand. Some think you're lying or making stuff up for whatever reason. But let me tell you it is a deep dark place when you start wondering if you can't trust your own mind because its been ripped in so many places. I kid you not when I say I have probably suffered at least six nervous breakdowns. Things I dealt with and have done my damndest to bounce back from. They do say some of your greatest victories will be private personal ones so there it is.

Sometimes I can feel myself slipping and it scares me. Waking up with a rapid heartbeat. Feeling numb inside. Wishing I could push a reset button on my life or just run away from everything because so much of it feels like....like I have failed in some ways and people will never accept me. Feeling like cars are going by and eyes are on me. Watching or waiting for me to make a mistake or fall so folks can say "Yep I was right about him" so they can feel good about themselves. Then there are times I feel I have let down so many people by not being perfect. Not having the right body type. Not being confident enough. It feels people look at me and see somethings wrong even though in reeality I understand I have done nothing and its not my problem what people think they know about me. It shouldn't be my problem but people will sometimes go out of their way to remind you that you have definitely fucked up in some areas of your life. I was at McDonalds yesterday and this hispanic lady who could barely speak or understand english got my order mixed up. There was a long line behind me and this Korean guy just gave me this look like I was just nothing. As if I needed a reminder so many of them hate black people. Yes I said it. Now I have Korean people in my life I love dearly who have looked out for me when it felt the rest of the world walked out but I have lived in Koreatown for many years so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend some Koreans and other races have a definite problem with black folks. The thing is to not let it spill out into your life where it affects how you treat others just because of the actions of a few.

Creatively speaking I have been keeping myself busy. Been brainstorming. Had some auditions and met some promising talent. Started on some literature. Getting ready to get back into filming next month. Been posting regularly on Instagram (Which is said to be getting rid of "likes" soon. Thats gonna be so strange. Are they trying to limit the interactivity of the platform?) Actually writing and animation are some things I'd like to focus much more on. These things are simply easier (and CHEAPER) to pull off. I've so many ideas and even though I get stuck sometimes its nice to know there are people out there who can help. People like Carrie Fisher did pretty good with ghostwriting and I think these people are often unsung heroes for many writers. Its not always cheap but at least you can get your manuscript done. The teddy bear novel has stalled because I got stuck. Gotta work on completing that and maybe consider having some reading sessions with a group setting to garner feedback. Honestly I'd love to get my brother involved in this stuff but I don't really have a gameplan for how I'm gonna do that. If we could be a writng team that would be awesome!

Theres so much that I want to do to make 2020 a truly amazing year full of accomplishments. Wanna go home to see my father. Wanna get in better shape. Wanna get some dental work. Wanna see about maybe getting glasses. Wanna work on the back pains I have at times. Wanna get my apartment back in tip top shape. (It really needs to be cleaned since I spiraled into some sort of depression) Gotta figure out what to do with all the excess clothing and other items in here.  Wanna pimp my gaming computer so its a super gaming computer. Looking froward to the next generation of gaming consoles by the way. It looks like I am gonna be leaning towards the Xbox side of things from now on. Even though Stadia did initially interest me. Hey I just like having the option to download or buy physical media. Something Google doesn't offer. Nintendo and Sone have cool stuff but Microsoft has an easier interface and they seem to be in the business of listening to the consumer. Of course they have slipped in some regard over the years but they did a complete turnaround these past few years. I'd love to see them become super cool like they were with the Xbox 360. 2020 might see a new President (Let us pray) but it might see these roots of mine pulled out and planted somewhere else too. Detroit is still on my radar despite "the incident". Theres really nothing holding me to California. I can have a successful creative career anywhere. Its looking more and more like 9-5 jobs are not for me. Not anymore. The writings been on the wall for awhile. Hopefully this Kaiser program can help me figure out what to do and get my life back on track. Can't keep doing something that doesn't make me happy and just going thru the motions hoping things will get better. My spirit can't pretend.