Light In The Tunnel.

I went to the donut shop and stood in line and wasn't filled with a sense of worry because it took awhile. That's how I've been feeling for the longest and the owner of the donut shop used to look at me realizing something was going on in my head.

I have been dreaming. Sometimes a bad dream which is rare but mostly the dreams are just regular stuff. No otherworldly adventures with velociraptors chasing me in my Grandmothers house. Not lately.

Seems people are trying to come out of the closet around me lately. I guess folks are starting to realize alot of the shit we have been taught about religion and our sexuality is BS. Congrats I say to the rest of the world for finally catching on. And no I'm not saying this like I have all the answers because I do NOT.

Its crazy how people will come for you. Out of nowhere it seems. Its like they see you on top of the mountain enjoying the sprizzle of fresh clean cool cleansing water on your face and they wanna defecate all over your dreams. Some obsess over trying to destroy a persons happiness. Sometimes it seems impossible to get away from nasty minded individuals with too much time on their hands. Some of the worst enemies to have are mentally ill folks or supernaturally inclined individuals who have lost their way. Ask me how I know. Actually no don't ask me.

I fantasized about someone from my past. Someone(s) from my past really. Sometimes I am a cop or hero being taken by a criminal. But it usually is like that real experience where I got what I wanted and that person blew my mind completely. It was terrible in some cases yet mostly I just think of the good encounters that happened when it was something I figured would never happen in reality. The gay closeted dude who torments me either directly or from a distance inflicting so much mental damage but he secretly wants me (as twisted as that seems) Then "it" happens and I feel myself becoming sprung all the while wishing I had never got myself in that situation but it just feels so damn good when he's inside me. In reality he knows I like him but nothing will ever happen because we both resist our feelings. In reality "it" happened or mostly almost happened because he was too big to go inside me and in one case dude came just from the excitement of trying to enter me. Ain't that some shit? Here I was with a man straight out of my dreams with a body like WOW and he was the size of a beer can. I kid you not. I'm just glad he was understanding.... In one reality it was so terrible and painful and it happened in one reality on the job and we basically didn't talk afterwards. Sometimes its better to let a fantasy stay a fantasy.

The world seems insane but its not all bad. I think about my friends and the people who do good or people who have helped me along the way. I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing for Thanksgiving but Nice Monster Productions asked me if I was going to "The Stinking Rose" and I said yes because me and "Sir Nathan Of Delphia" were planning to go anyway. Still trying to not think of Brianopolis as an incredibly handsome villain because of what went down with "that film" and sometimes I feel myself wondering just how much I should be trusting anybody when so many are only out for themselves ultimately. It feels like its a struggle walking this path trying to stay positive and searching for other good people to be around. Trying not to fall into that place of thinking folks are a mess. Many are but its like unto being a bird and trying to fly up out of these twisty thorny rose bushes. It would be cool to go stay in Africa for awhile you know because plenty of guys are coming at me from there. No lie. (Excuse me I had to go blow the nose. Damn allergies) Just now on the radio (KROQ) they were talking about how people will even resist when you try to do something good for them and I think back to a co-worker telling me how folks might think you are up to no good if you seem too nice to them. I am nice 95% of the time and as far as wanting anything in return for it what exactly can another person give me for being nice to them that one can't get for oneself? I read the news and see people helping animals. I see folks coming together during disasters. Radio stations do kind things to help families in need and companies do these random acts of kindness drives. People give away clothes,toys or free food during the holidays. I have had bosses at jobs really go out of their way to help me when they knew I was going thru something. People have protected me from bullies. Teachers have provided comfort at times when just the thought of being in school felt like a nightmare. Sometimes it is those thoughts of good will towards me or others that inspires and keeps me from going too dark when the comics,videogames and all these other outlets are not enough. But the fact somebody(S!) sparked me into existence and then somebody else carried me around inside their belly for nine months....well those acts pretty much trump anything else anyone has done for me.