A silent crying place.
(With TBG music)

I come from a dark place
trying to focus on the light within
beset upon constantly
those who watch me
want to destroy me
even as they are studying my every move
and learning from me
stealing really.

Hating me
clocking me
jocking me
from a distance
trying to figure me out
when all they have to do is
come see about me
just ask me about me.
But I've grown accustomed to this
even as I'm aware
I'm evolving past this.

I'm listening to
all this classical music
training left hand and right hand
getting smarter
so smart that at times it hurts
and the psychic vibe is so strong
I have to monitor what I'm thinking
so it won't affect other people.

You think having super powers is cool?
Better be ready if it happens
because that shit can drive you crazy
if you ain't ready.
If you ain't ready
you're gonna wanna wish it away
trust me.

Pheremones
mentally emitted radio waves
whatever the shit is
its real and
it can isolate you
in all the worst ways.
Some master it
or get mastered by it
and they feed off grief
but they live in the shadows
and nobody believes they exist
just like they don't seem to believe
they can be just as happy spreading light.

********

I was at work the other night
and this short mofo screamed at me
"What the fuck you looking at?!?"
Same mofo screamed at the police moments earlier
on the other side of the building
(How was I to know?)
Was just walking minding my business.
It so crazy how nastiness can come for you
without warning
I told her/him/it
"What the fuck you looking at?!?"
"Yeah keep walking!"
They kept walking.
It felt good to stand up for myself
It felt weird having turned on my own nastiness to defend myself
from this short nasty minded person who got kicked out the facility.
Nastiness lives in so many people
especially when you are on the low end of the totem pole
you know what I'm talking about.
Working these jobs
being around a certain mindset
folks who wouldn't last five minutes in the corporate world.
I'm working on getting control of the nastiness inside me
the darkness
because I realize trying to get rid of it would probably be like
cutting a cats claws off.
(How would they survive in the wild?)
This life sometimes feels like its the wild wild west.

At last I understand
fully understand
why so many black folks walk around looking pi$$ed all the time
Gotta keep those damn claws showing in the world most of us come from
or some other beast will try to test you
Folks be walking around ready to pounce
believe it.
I gotta get away from these people.
Its not a bad job but it feels akin to slavery at times
It feels like a war zone
trying to stay up mentally
then having to deal with savage people
from these savage streets
with their savage ways because no one ever taught them different.
Some of them are GONE
belonging to drugs
mental illnesses that will never fix.
Don't even get me started on the people in my life
ungrateful parasites
who take and take
daring to think I don't know whats going on
not realizing I'll eventually be
moving on.
They keep coming back
some trying to come back
whether its in person or via social media.
(Sigh)
Misery loves company.
Its not all bad yet I can't help but wonder
where can I find a psychic sponge to come and suck up all that nasty energy?

Been so down
the last film shoot really did a number on me
I had a real bad moment with the DP on production.
It was a misunderstanding really
It reminded me that I gotta reach out for some help in production.
My mental state right now
its slowed me down alot.
Was deep down in it since that last shoot
stopped cleaning up my place
wasn't playing videogames as much
and buying way more comics than reading them
Only going outside when I absolutely HAD to
feeling so
unpretty.
First day of real therapy is coming up and here I am wondering how much if any can it really help.
Lady Gaga says therapy would mess with the artist within.
Part of me agrees
because I'm able to figure out much of the shot going on
still its good to have someone to talk to sometimes.
Its something ironic really there have probably been times I have talked some folks away
from the proverbial edge.
I guess its funny because mostly I talk myself away from that edge.
(Then again its not like I would ever try to hurt myself.)
I have things going on
saving money
making plans
seeing progress
noticing a potential specialness I'd almost given up on
(even though he lives far away!)
got my health and strength
(for the most part)
and I'm not living on the street
sleeping on cardboard like that cute homeless guy I found at work the other night.
Sometimes it just gets so hard
so hard to see the "silver lining"
as they say.

That is such a corny thing to say now that I think about it....

********

Little Demon Bitch

The little demon bitch lives next door
she/it has spent decades nipping at my heels.
It watches me thru the peep hole
when I leave or enter my place
taps my wall
stomps around upstairs
dragging furniture
with wild abandon
it astrally projects
following me around
jealous of any happiness I can snatch from life.
She clogs up my sink
turns the hot water cold
and eavesdrops on
as many of my phone conversations as she can.
Her hate is so powerful
sometimes it wakes me from slumber
makes my stomach twist and turn
swells my head with pain
from her attempts at magicking me to death
or struggling to break into my mind.
She constantly bombards me with negativity
and he rpoison is so deep I can feel her
even when she's not around.
I scream inside
I scream thru my craft
knowing this is my cross to bear until I'm able to leave this place.
I know her stink would have sunk anyone else
so I have to laugh at two ironies
I have to endure this for awhile longer
She has to endure not knowing
she's wasting away wasting her time trying to drive me out.
I can't leave until I'm ready
and she has just about run out of tricks.
She's getting too brave too these days
taking dangerous risks
I can see the stress taking a toll
(I wonder if I can sue?)
You're gonna get caught one day
little demon girl
even if you manage to keep avoiding the videocameras
and you're slick enough to cover your tracks
making it seem like I'm the one with the problem.
No matter how slick you think you are
or how fast you slink away into the shadows
none of us can escape from karma.
That cup of proverbial evil is spilling over
You have filled your quota
disrupted one life too many.
The dark clamors to claim back those stolen energies.

You're on borrowed time.

2020 has gotten off to an interesting start. An old roomie dropped by unannounced last weekend because he needed a place to stay. Now this guy is someone I've known for a good while but I've put distance between us because well as anyone knows as time passes you come to realize some folks you have to kinda cut out of your life. For whatever reason. This guy tends to text or call me up out of the blue only when he needs something. He's not someone who calls to wish me a happy birthday or to go out for grub or a movie. He basically came across like he can just show up and made an attempt to intimidate me but I suspect on some level he realizes he can never do that again. He had the heater on full blast and I turned it off when I smelled something burning as he'd parked it on the floor scant inches from where he was sleeping. Also when I let him use my house keys he was gone for a loooong time.  I put up with some stuff from people but after awhile it just gets old. Even if he's one of my actors who I might need in a project....

The Dangerous African came into town for his birthday (Christmas) so I took him to Universal. It rained a bit and the day was mostly cold and overcast but we still had alot of fun and took a bunch of photos. Sir Nathan of Delphia (The Dangerous Jamaican) got us a discount at his job so we ate for cheap and the staff came out to surprise The Dangerous African with a birthday serenade. The Dangerous African has accomplished so much and I am so proud of him. He's taking care of three daughters, holding down a job and going to school to be an RN. Not bad for someone who only just recently came to the US right?

The job is starting to get more and more stressful and its becoming more apparent its time for me to leave. But I gotta save money and work on my creative outlets. Filming is set to start again on Sasquatch and I am working on some other stuff (comics and novels etc) Gotta stay busy and motivated. Honestly I've gotten to the point where I'm soon gonna cut off all luxury spending so I can save money and also have funds to produce my work. I may hang on to work at the center for another six months but this will be only to tie up loose ends and make sure I am okay till a better opportunity comes along you know? You can't stay at one place too long.

Was on the phone with my father the other day and it really got me to thinking. He said he was concerned as he didn't really have any way to get info in case something happened to me so he made sure I gave him a contact. (I'm sure he could also contact the lgbt center but that wasn't the point) My dad is like 70 plus and I guess as time goes by you start to reconnect with your kids. I'm actually finding myself longing for the good old days and nice times spent with old friends and family I've not seen in awhile. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It wasn't all bad you know? I've just been so off into my own world and coming to terms with my weirdness which is apparently one of my greatest super powers. The ability to freak people out while also insuring my survival. Much of the time I think I am too out there so thats why I keep my distance from....humans. I guess I'm coming to grips that I may never actually fit in anywhere yet this doesn't have to make me sad or lonely ultimately. You have to learn to love yourself quirks and all and not depend so much on others for anything.  I'll likely always be a "work in progress" but thats okay because I know where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. I don't really live my life worrying about pissing off "the gods" either because I realize regardless what some folks believe, I'm a good person. So thats something. I try to bring some light into this world and make some sort of difference you know?

As far as videogames go....its been a bit frustrating. I spend way more time working on, troubleshooting or doing updates on things than I seem to actually playing games. What up with that? Part of me misses the good old days when you just put a game in the system and it WORKED. As shy and insecure as I can be at times I am still determined to get some sort of videogame players club together. I purchased an Xbox1S just for that purpose but it was kinda discouraging when only one person came to my first gathering. Even giving Sir Nathan of Delphia a refurbished Xbox1 wasn't enough incentive to get him to game with me on the regular. I gotta be more careful when I pick people to give things to. I mean I should give stuff to folks who will actually appreciate or use it. Then again I suspect he has broken or given the system away because I never see him online when I log on. Just sayin. I do post stuff regularly on instagram and often on youtube but have yet to put together like a regular videogamer type of blog. Something that garners plenty of viewers/subscribers could pique the interest of sponsors. People do watch my stuff but they rarely comment or attempt to reach out to for the purpose of friendship. Maybe its all in my mind that people are scared, weird or simply lacking in how to be social in this new techy age we live in? What is the secret of having a successful following online? Successful enough to pay those bills you know?

This is a weird exchange on FaceBook between me and someone I used to consider a friend but had to cut off once I found out they were doing something really terrible. So terrible I had to walk away from the friendship. Now I had started watching a movie called Klaus on Netflix and I posted a photo of the movie poster on FB via Instagram saying how much I liked the film. I found the film to be a magical cool retelling of how the legend of Santa started. This person decided to post "Bah Humbug" as a reply to my post share. In my opinion if you see someone posting something about something they like why the hell would you come on their post and say something negative? Its just bizarre and then it turned into a religious debate. I understand now I was right to cut this guy out of my life.  I've said it before and I'll say it again....negative folks will come for one and it is true misery loves company as cliche' as that saying is....  So the moral of the story? I dunno. Maybe its that its time to take a little break from social media. I'll be filming again pretty soon and really could do without any distractions. I wonder what the two women who run the work clinic I attend would think of this exchange below though. Maybe I'll ask them. Oh on a side note the Kaiser work clinic has given me some good info and solutions for dealing with stress anxiety. Relaxation techniques. Breathing exercises. Meditation/visualization. Exercise. It also helps talking to others who relate.

THE DAMN EXCHANGE....


(POSTER HERE OF KLAUS. I POSTED IT BELOW ALL THE WAY AT THE BOTTOM FOR SOME STUPID REASON)

My comment..... Started watching this on Netflix and all I can say is WOW.

HIM
bah humbug!

ME
If you watched this movie and that is your reaction you really do not have a heart. You actually might not even have a soul....

HIM
no I just don't like Satan..I mean Santa Claus is all

ME
Okay I get that but why not use your page or profile to promote that and not try to come on my comment and defecate all over it? The story has absolutely nothing to do with Satan or really even Santa. It's just a touching story of how the legend began. Come on man....keep the negativity to thyself.

HIM
negativity? naw, beliefs? yes
we all have them & it's nothing wrong with having beliefs...I don't believe in clause or clause & u don't believe that Jehovah is the ONE & ONLY true God & to me that's the biggest negativity of them all, but that's your belief & I don't knock it... just saying

ME
(Name bleeped out to protect the not so innocent)  you have issues man. First off you have no idea who or what I believe in because I don't discuss religious beliefs. That's my personal business and if you want to preach and promote what your beliefs are that's fine just keep them off my page and profile thank you. I don't think that is asking too much. And you of all people have alot of nerve calling me negative or did you forget what you said to me the last time we spoke to each other in person? Now please just STOP. Really. Go away. I'm trying to be nice.... 😼

Light In The Tunnel.

I went to the donut shop and stood in line and wasn't filled with a sense of worry because it took awhile. That's how I've been feeling for the longest and the owner of the donut shop used to look at me realizing something was going on in my head.

I have been dreaming. Sometimes a bad dream which is rare but mostly the dreams are just regular stuff. No otherworldly adventures with velociraptors chasing me in my Grandmothers house. Not lately.

Seems people are trying to come out of the closet around me lately. I guess folks are starting to realize alot of the shit we have been taught about religion and our sexuality is BS. Congrats I say to the rest of the world for finally catching on. And no I'm not saying this like I have all the answers because I do NOT.

Its crazy how people will come for you. Out of nowhere it seems. Its like they see you on top of the mountain enjoying the sprizzle of fresh clean cool cleansing water on your face and they wanna defecate all over your dreams. Some obsess over trying to destroy a persons happiness. Sometimes it seems impossible to get away from nasty minded individuals with too much time on their hands. Some of the worst enemies to have are mentally ill folks or supernaturally inclined individuals who have lost their way. Ask me how I know. Actually no don't ask me.

I fantasized about someone from my past. Someone(s) from my past really. Sometimes I am a cop or hero being taken by a criminal. But it usually is like that real experience where I got what I wanted and that person blew my mind completely. It was terrible in some cases yet mostly I just think of the good encounters that happened when it was something I figured would never happen in reality. The gay closeted dude who torments me either directly or from a distance inflicting so much mental damage but he secretly wants me (as twisted as that seems) Then "it" happens and I feel myself becoming sprung all the while wishing I had never got myself in that situation but it just feels so damn good when he's inside me. In reality he knows I like him but nothing will ever happen because we both resist our feelings. In reality "it" happened or mostly almost happened because he was too big to go inside me and in one case dude came just from the excitement of trying to enter me. Ain't that some shit? Here I was with a man straight out of my dreams with a body like WOW and he was the size of a beer can. I kid you not. I'm just glad he was understanding.... In one reality it was so terrible and painful and it happened in one reality on the job and we basically didn't talk afterwards. Sometimes its better to let a fantasy stay a fantasy.

The world seems insane but its not all bad. I think about my friends and the people who do good or people who have helped me along the way. I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing for Thanksgiving but Nice Monster Productions asked me if I was going to "The Stinking Rose" and I said yes because me and "Sir Nathan Of Delphia" were planning to go anyway. Still trying to not think of Brianopolis as an incredibly handsome villain because of what went down with "that film" and sometimes I feel myself wondering just how much I should be trusting anybody when so many are only out for themselves ultimately. It feels like its a struggle walking this path trying to stay positive and searching for other good people to be around. Trying not to fall into that place of thinking folks are a mess. Many are but its like unto being a bird and trying to fly up out of these twisty thorny rose bushes. It would be cool to go stay in Africa for awhile you know because plenty of guys are coming at me from there. No lie. (Excuse me I had to go blow the nose. Damn allergies) Just now on the radio (KROQ) they were talking about how people will even resist when you try to do something good for them and I think back to a co-worker telling me how folks might think you are up to no good if you seem too nice to them. I am nice 95% of the time and as far as wanting anything in return for it what exactly can another person give me for being nice to them that one can't get for oneself? I read the news and see people helping animals. I see folks coming together during disasters. Radio stations do kind things to help families in need and companies do these random acts of kindness drives. People give away clothes,toys or free food during the holidays. I have had bosses at jobs really go out of their way to help me when they knew I was going thru something. People have protected me from bullies. Teachers have provided comfort at times when just the thought of being in school felt like a nightmare. Sometimes it is those thoughts of good will towards me or others that inspires and keeps me from going too dark when the comics,videogames and all these other outlets are not enough. But the fact somebody(S!) sparked me into existence and then somebody else carried me around inside their belly for nine months....well those acts pretty much trump anything else anyone has done for me.

About a week ago I was in Ralphs and about to check out. All my groceries were on the conveyer/counter thing and I was waiting for this other person to finish checking out. I seem to recall they were taking a very long time. But I wasn't tripping at all until this little middle eastern girl who was RIGHT behind me just sort of leaned over and coughed....right on my groceries. I was like "You need to cover your mouth when you cough" The father seemed kinda oblivious but he got where I was coming from. The cashier agreed with me that there are alot of folks running around coughing and sneezing without bothering to cover their mouths and it also seems to be a cultural thing.

Donald Trump is in the news alot these days. I guess the truth is he is always in the news. The democratic party seems intent on impeaching him. I don't think its gonna work. See what happened was there was a phone call where Donald Tramp er Trump asked another politician from Ukraine to give him some dirt on a political rival. So now everyone is all running around trying to decide if Trump broke any rules by doing what he did. From where I stand Donald Trump has done and said alot of things that would have seen Obama driven out of office but I won't go there. From where I stand it appears Trump can say and do whatever he wants whether its right or wrong the Republican party will support or defend him or simply say nothing. Just pretend it never happened. Just to be clear I have republican friends who think Trump is a clown. I just wonder if he is a lesser evil. Its not as if the democratic party has clean hands either. None of these people are perfect but I find it hard to believe any of them really have my best interests in mind. I mean do any of them really care about me or my respective communities or do they just want our votes?  Yeah you might say I have lost faith in politics among other things. Stop trying to manipulate me and just bring about some positive change why don't you?

Started the anxiety program at Kaiser Monday. Until I'm done i will be off work. The program is three weeks. I had to jump thru some hoops to get the time off approved. As stressful as that was at least HR at my job was awesome and really helped me survive the process. The program is structured like a class and you have a bunch of folks mostly stressed out over their jobs. The facilitators give us solutions for stressful situations or difficult people. We learn techniques and exercises to cope. Breathing exercises and stretches....visualization stuff. It helps to know there are other folks dealing with this shit. I mean you go to work and deal with stuff but then stuff builds up and some of us are just built differently and can't process shit like the majority or we simply reach that threshold where we need help to keep us from completely losing it. I guess like Madonna says "Its a set up until you're fed up" I wake up heart racing....headaches come frequently and then there are triggers that send me to places. I rarely leave the house and have drastically stopped cleaning up. Not writing as much. Sometimes I feel numb and things I used to do to help don't help as much and I keep fantisizing about wanting to go back in time to fix all the things I have fucked up in my life. There are times it feels kinda hopeless and that no one will ever love or understand me. My mind goes into dark places and its a struggle to climb out at times. Haven't called home in awhile and that approaching filming date just seems so fucking far away because the script never seems quite right. I look at my body and it feels off. It should be stronger,better and eventually I'll start exercising yet when is that day gonna come? I could get Sir Nathan to help me but theres a worry its gonna get expensive. Someone from the Daughters scenario has been contacting me about working with them on a project but its like salt on a wound. You want my help with writing when you threw out all my story elements from another project? It just doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't you just work with another writer? I still have not forgiven you on some levels and need space.

Google came out with a new videogame system the other day. Its really just an application technically because there is no console. All you have is a controller and a chromecast device. The games are streamed from Google servers onto whatever device you wanna use. Tablet, smart tv or even your phone. Trouble is most folks do not have internet strong enough to handle these streams. Also you can't download any games. They should allow some wiggle room on that because it really means if you lose internet access there goes the access to your games. I tried Sony's streaming service awhile back and Xcloud sounds intriguing but the thought of no downloading options or even taking away physical media altogether makes me uneasy. Companies would have too much control over your stuff.

Tyler Perry is making moves again. He is the owner of the largest black film production company in the world. He bought up a military base years ago and converted it into a humoungous studio. I wouldn't mind the opportunity to work with Tyler one day. I mean....I do like the Madea films. Also its great having someone doing some positive things in the community. Plus he gave one of the Duke boys a job and he always has the sexiest brothers in his stuff. I guess I am just waiting on Tyler Perry to get involved in horror/fantasy and sci-fi material. Those are my genres. (Yes I am aware he was in Star Trek)

I dunno. For the longest I have been thinking about perhaps doing some sort of nerd oriented talk show or program featuring pop culture related topics geared more towards others who might be able to relate to my life. Just seems there is a demographic out there being ignored by the major players and for the right person with the right idea it could help alot of people plus it would be a goldmine of opportunities you know? Could provide outlets or jobs. Could launch a franchise or sorts but the big quetsion eating at me is where to start and who or what should be the face of this operation? You have to start somewhere and then build. Could be that the answer lies in these new short stories I have been working on and the relaunch of my SOL universe.

(Written at home to Game of Thrones S6 soundtrack via Spotify)

I got up this morning and started my daily routine. Well usually I am getting up at around 4pm not 5amish but whatever. Brushed the teeth,showered and got dressed. All with this weird smell of smoke coming in after I cracked open my door like I do most of the time. I guess there are still some fires going on. So much of the time I have to be careful about leaving my door open because these sneaky people smoke cigarettes later at night when they know the manager won't be around or they cook and smoke which masks the smell of cigarette smoke except I can still smell the chemicals. Had to start closing my door when I go to sleep because of inhaling second hand smoke. But at least the stupid car alarm wasn't going off this morning like it was yesterday. That damn thing went off for over an hour just non-stop. I guess the time was around 9 or 10amish. So I was really feeling this strong desire to write today. Been feeling this for a good while lately but I've been basically stopped up. So things kinda built up inside me. Reading comics, playing videogames, Netflix, Hulu (There goes that car alarm!) these things help me as they always have but lately (Now there goes my phone alarm!) I'm been feeling pretty numb inside. Thankfully my treatment program to deal with anxiety starts tomorrow. Its a 3 week program that kaiser has to help folks deal with the stress of anxiety. Much of it seems to revolve around work. (Will be on work leave till it ends) My mental state has been in a strange place since much of last year and it has much to do with things that started last year I think. Losing Daughters of Legend. Seeing a project I worked on and spent my time and money to create basically snatched away and then all the drama going on with bickering and threats of lawsuits. Friends becoming enemies. Then getting my stuff stolen in Detroit on what was supposed to be a birthday trip to help me recover. Constant migraine headaches and this inner battle to stay creative while all these things were going on. Not feeling happy at work and still dealing with weirdness at home due to issues with neighbors. Having to come to terms with The Dangerous African being so far away took a toll. Then there came this sobering feeling that love and romance might be gone from my life. So many things and the mind can begin to unravel. People don't really understand. Some think you're lying or making stuff up for whatever reason. But let me tell you it is a deep dark place when you start wondering if you can't trust your own mind because its been ripped in so many places. I kid you not when I say I have probably suffered at least six nervous breakdowns. Things I dealt with and have done my damndest to bounce back from. They do say some of your greatest victories will be private personal ones so there it is.

Sometimes I can feel myself slipping and it scares me. Waking up with a rapid heartbeat. Feeling numb inside. Wishing I could push a reset button on my life or just run away from everything because so much of it feels like....like I have failed in some ways and people will never accept me. Feeling like cars are going by and eyes are on me. Watching or waiting for me to make a mistake or fall so folks can say "Yep I was right about him" so they can feel good about themselves. Then there are times I feel I have let down so many people by not being perfect. Not having the right body type. Not being confident enough. It feels people look at me and see somethings wrong even though in reeality I understand I have done nothing and its not my problem what people think they know about me. It shouldn't be my problem but people will sometimes go out of their way to remind you that you have definitely fucked up in some areas of your life. I was at McDonalds yesterday and this hispanic lady who could barely speak or understand english got my order mixed up. There was a long line behind me and this Korean guy just gave me this look like I was just nothing. As if I needed a reminder so many of them hate black people. Yes I said it. Now I have Korean people in my life I love dearly who have looked out for me when it felt the rest of the world walked out but I have lived in Koreatown for many years so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend some Koreans and other races have a definite problem with black folks. The thing is to not let it spill out into your life where it affects how you treat others just because of the actions of a few.

Creatively speaking I have been keeping myself busy. Been brainstorming. Had some auditions and met some promising talent. Started on some literature. Getting ready to get back into filming next month. Been posting regularly on Instagram (Which is said to be getting rid of "likes" soon. Thats gonna be so strange. Are they trying to limit the interactivity of the platform?) Actually writing and animation are some things I'd like to focus much more on. These things are simply easier (and CHEAPER) to pull off. I've so many ideas and even though I get stuck sometimes its nice to know there are people out there who can help. People like Carrie Fisher did pretty good with ghostwriting and I think these people are often unsung heroes for many writers. Its not always cheap but at least you can get your manuscript done. The teddy bear novel has stalled because I got stuck. Gotta work on completing that and maybe consider having some reading sessions with a group setting to garner feedback. Honestly I'd love to get my brother involved in this stuff but I don't really have a gameplan for how I'm gonna do that. If we could be a writng team that would be awesome!

Theres so much that I want to do to make 2020 a truly amazing year full of accomplishments. Wanna go home to see my father. Wanna get in better shape. Wanna get some dental work. Wanna see about maybe getting glasses. Wanna work on the back pains I have at times. Wanna get my apartment back in tip top shape. (It really needs to be cleaned since I spiraled into some sort of depression) Gotta figure out what to do with all the excess clothing and other items in here.  Wanna pimp my gaming computer so its a super gaming computer. Looking froward to the next generation of gaming consoles by the way. It looks like I am gonna be leaning towards the Xbox side of things from now on. Even though Stadia did initially interest me. Hey I just like having the option to download or buy physical media. Something Google doesn't offer. Nintendo and Sone have cool stuff but Microsoft has an easier interface and they seem to be in the business of listening to the consumer. Of course they have slipped in some regard over the years but they did a complete turnaround these past few years. I'd love to see them become super cool like they were with the Xbox 360. 2020 might see a new President (Let us pray) but it might see these roots of mine pulled out and planted somewhere else too. Detroit is still on my radar despite "the incident". Theres really nothing holding me to California. I can have a successful creative career anywhere. Its looking more and more like 9-5 jobs are not for me. Not anymore. The writings been on the wall for awhile. Hopefully this Kaiser program can help me figure out what to do and get my life back on track. Can't keep doing something that doesn't make me happy and just going thru the motions hoping things will get better. My spirit can't pretend.

Got a little bit of excitement this morning at work while I was patrolling down in one of the parking areas. It was waaaaay in the back where a bunch of construction materials were that I picked up an all too familiar scent. One of my relatives used to come around and visit my father back when I was a youngin. He always had a particular smell because he drank alot of alcohol. So I recognized that scent on my patrol and noticed some things in the area seemed out of place. I moved in for a closer look and thats when a pittbull started growling at me. He/she was laying next to a white guy wearing a red and white striped shirt. This guy sat up rubbing his eyes and looking out of it. I told him he had to leave and he started apologizing and saying he didn't want any trouble. Said he'd gone out to a club and some other mess. I took out my little ipod touch so I could get some photos/videos in case people didn't believe me when I reported it. Now you know my nerves are kinda bad right now so my heart was beating real fast like. Dude left in a hurry because when I went back after stepping away for a moment he was gone. I did see him leaving when I went topside. He was like I'm sorry man. He also wasn't happy when he noticed I was videoing him. Honestly I am just surprised it took this long for me to walk up on someone down there.