Confessions of a sad superhero book 139

 I just got chewed out by one of my supervisors because apparently I offended one of my co-workers. She's a relatively new guard and I swear since day one she has had this weird animosity towards me as if she were somehow compromised because of something someone said either that or I just happen to remind her of someone who burned down her village or something. In some ways she reminds me of the mother of one of my sisters. Someone who never liked me from the get go or my mother for that matter but anyway... Things have been kinda weird with me and another co-worker who has been micro-managing me for coming back from my breaks sometimes a few minutes late but this person does things that I don't complain about because I just have too many other things on my mind to care. All I will say is he is VERY lucky there aren't video cameras on every floor. But anyway I suspect he may have said something to this other guard because this morning she gave me this look when I came to the desk to turn in my keys and walkie so I joked that she had a look of terror on her face. Like maybe she saw someone in the courtyard. She goes "Why would you say something like that?"and I told her I was just joking. I tried to lighten the mood by asking her if she heard anything about the missing key and she was like I guess you are talking to (the other guard who was there who she'd been speaking with until I came to the desk who is the same guard who I am not really speaking with these days) because I have a look of terror on my face. I just walked away awkwardly and came back upstairs to play some games on my computer. Moments later my supervisor came up to talk to me and I knew something was up. She told me when I see people just say good morning or good night and keep it moving. This was the same pep talk I'd given myself on the elevator ride upstairs moments earlier. I observe people and their behavior and the more I do the more I realize in alot of ways I may be more mentally well rounded than I give myself credit for. We all have our buttons and sure sometimes there are bad days and things might be said we regret and I also understand even though I do not do this folks vent by taking their stress out on others especially when you might appear to be happy (even if in reality you are walking on a thin line and barely keeping it together cuz you dealing with your own life drama) I observe people watching me. I observe people pointing out my flaws and picking at me to draw out negative reactions. I observe people imitating my actions and even at times competing with me for attention from others. I'm not perfect but damn is it irritating knowing in so many ways you are more mature than many who come in your presence. I thank the gods I have outlets and hobbies along with goals to work towards because I probably would have jumped off a building or something many moons ago having to navigate through this world while dealing with so much BS from people. Not all people. Just SOME who seem to exist only to work my nerves.

(Update: I just found out I am not the only person having trouble with that other guard. So I can rest easy knowing it isn't just me)

So on Monday I'm supposed to be filming a new episode of Nerds With Badges. Its been awhile and I gotta say I am a bit on the fence because its gonna cost me $400 to have someone film and edit it. Also I'm paying my guest who is a co-worker. I don't wanna keep pushing the filming date back either because I have already done that once. Also I just paid $350 to get copies of my DragonManx comic printed. Then I had to pay the animator of my Sasquatch cartoon $200 and also a couple of artists working on designs for two new characters. These are African characters who I will create a manga around! Rent is due in like a week and I just had money come out my account for my dental insurance. There's also the fact I HAVE to get storage sooner than later. All this to say as the saying goes..its always something. I had to get bailed out last month by a good friend but I am gonna have to make some serious cutbacks so finances won't be stressing me out as much as they do...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 138

 Ugh. I was on vacation last week and got a call from my job saying they had broken into my locker to investigate a "strange" smell. The smell was actually a small tea bag sized insect repellant thingie. They took all my stuff out. I had to retrieve my laptop, Logitech G Cloud console, security cap and backpack that was inside from my boss. But if they did that why did they leave my non-perishable and packaged food (lunch stuff) out in the open in a small box with a note on it instead of also leaving that with my boss? Yeah, I was and still am pissed. 

Been having some interesting dreams lately. Seems I dreamt a certain person on the job who I caught feelings for (but got dropped like a hot potato) spoke to me and it was like old times when we were actually talking to each other instead of pretending the other person doesn't exist. Also, I had a weird dream about seeing a ghostlike Middle Eastern man standing in the hallway. Something about this person seemed kinda familiar I think. They were tall and carried a cane. Seemed dressed in some sort of robe as well. There were other dreams too. Mostly vague I'm afraid but my dad and a dog featured in some. 

Can't say my vacation was not productive as I managed to get out to Universal Citywalk with an old friend for lunch and create a new character and or concepts. Since its time for me to go home now I will return with more details.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 137

 So yesterday I learned a lesson in patience at work from a lady who works in another department. Lets just call her "M". I have a particular co-worker who has been working my nerves these past few months. Sometimes he seems cool but mostly I am convinced he is insane or possibly being influenced perhaps by demonic entities. Alot of the time I will just be sitting at the desk chilling enjoying life and here he comes usually saying or doing something that rattles my nerves. Dude will see me and then his eyes will fix on me taking on every little detail and I swear other people have noticed he will notice and point out things. He watches me like a hawk often and sometimes he will copy things that I do. Also he's extremely nosey to the point he will try to look at what I am doing if I am doing something on the computer. I have also observed him listening in on my phone conversations. Now I do not hate dude because sometimes he's cool and like another annoying co-worker I ended up blocking on social media we can have wonderful conversations but then there are times he does things that make me question if he had any home training. Like last night I had some snacks sitting up on the desk and he just walks over like he always does and goes "Oh for me" or he'll say something like "Why did you steal my (whatever I am eating) He saw a vendor give me a danish one night and then he started asking for danishes I kid you not. Now the vendor doesn't give me danishes like he used to. So anyway last night I basically went off on him because the way I was raised you don't just walk over and start putting your hands on other folks stuff especially since I don't know where your hands have been. So he acted all offended and later when I asked "M" for advice after telling her what happened she gave me some good yet amusing advice. She told me that I need to use my "white voice" in certain situations especially considering where I am. She said as a black woman she often has to be careful when situations arise becuae even though she might be in the right because she is a black woman she in certain environments has to conduct herself a certain way. She also pointed out you can have boundaries but its all about the delivery and the energy you bring. I just thought it was really cool how she was able to give me some wisdom and later I did apologize to dude and better articulate I just do not like folks putting they hands on my shit unless I give the okay. No I did not say it that way.

I am on vacation the next few days and let me tell you I need it. My spirit needs it. Been really thinking alot about looking for another job. Been seeing how crazy the world is getting with all the escalating crime and shootings too. There was another shooting just the other day after a ball game. 21 people shot and 11 kids. One woman died and good samaritans managed to tackle one of the shooters. I swear sometimes the world seems so insane that I don't even wanna leave my house. Then on top of that you're still expected to deal with your own trauma while going back and forth to work. I think now I kinda understand why so many folks abandon their dreams because we get caught up simply maintaning survival. Valentines Day came and went by without so much as a phone call from Captain Liberia which is another reminder this man I constantly think about cares very little for me. Yeah I guess I could have called him but he's married to a woman and likely has other people on the side. Yes I'm idealistic but not stupid. Theres a cute African guy in Nigeria who claims he wants something with me but even if he sounds convincing at times its hard for me to trust him because of bad experiences with folks overseas trying to scam my mind. Also yeah he's like a million miles away. I'm sitting here listening to state of jazz on spotify and trying not to beat myself up over how much better I wish my life could be and how I need to fix certain things. This is usually all it takes for me to break out of the whole woe is me and wishing I had someone. Well that and memories of how badly things turned out when I chased that dream. But I have learned that some of these guys will actually hate you for daring to chase them. The film is coming along. Post-production of course. I just got the cover done for an upcoming SonsofLegend comic and the cartoon is still being worked on. My podcast will return later this month plus I'll soon have physical copies of DragonManx #1 to sell. Still doing my mostly daily uploads of my videogameplay on Youtube and just his week I created a brand new character, A female character of African descent who has to use supernatural powers to battle her evil twin brother. So I guess it coud be said I am not without a lover. Seems I have many lovers in my life who can supply me what I need. It feels funny to say that or even ironic I can find so much happiness in art, creating or even in fantasy realms. Maybe the right man for me then is the one I can draw and write about. More irony? Anyway its time for some gaming or bingeing. I need to call my family to check up on them this week instead of constantly putting it off. I need to also decide if I'm going to visit an amusement park this week or weekend because God knows I need to pinch my pennies. I did mention I was thinking of quitting the LGBT center right? Yeah it is definitely getting close to that time. 

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Sometimes I'm pretty brutal with myself when it comes to my mental health. Like I know I have issues and I get mad at myself until I realize...well I realize the more I examine things the more it makes sense I do have issues and I become aware of the miracle I'm still surviving despite what others might feel or think about me. I mean just now I witnessed a truck of people park behind a food establishment and then a girl got out screaming whilst she pulled down her pants and peed right there in the parking lot as someone opened a vehicle door to try and sorta conceal the girl I guess. Its all more of the stupid and just downright nasty behavior that I see working in this area. So much of the nasty shit I see people doing these days is from trans women or regular women for the record.  Back in the day it was men and that was when there were literally clubs next door to the property. Then there's this senior person who lives onsite whom I see frequently sitting watching tv in their living room area making loud noises like a horse as he's viewing the tv and nope there are no horses anywhere in sight on whatever program he's watching. Then there's one of my co-workers who I am convinced is certified psycho. The other night I asked him about why he always leaves the cord to our cellphone on the floor and he was all incredulous about it and tried to deflect it as if I'm crazy for asking why it happens since I'm always the one who picks it up. Hell one co-worker used to put his entire gym bag inside the fridge in the kitchen. He stopped though. Maybe someone said something? I just thought that was out there. Anyway the same dude who put the cord on the floor asked me tonight just out of the blue if I had OSD or OCD or whatever and if I always wants things neat. Maybe this was because of the cord and the fact our supervisor wrapped it in tape and stuck it on the desk so it would stay off the floor. Perhaps he thought it was me that did that? Dude often doesn't respond on the radio when I call out during my patrols of the areas I have secured. Sometimes he goes long periods of time without calling out on patrol or he call out patrol of areas I can clearly see he hasn't gone to yet. Also, he constantly leaves the parking gate unlocked which is a big problem especially since my stuff got stolen last year when someone casually strolled inside here. I'll be having a conversation with a co-worker and he will just invite himself in and then theres a tendency to copy things I do which I have noticed other folks do at times. Not really sure what thats all about. I take a day off. You take a day off. I come to work early and use the conference room for podcast taping and you try and do the same thing. You see a vendor give me a donut and you want the same thing. Now dude doesn't give me donuts as often. He will sometimes micromanage me too like if I come back from patrol he will stall at the desk before rotation but when he comes back (often ahead of time) he will be insistent on taking the desk right away even if he can clearly see I am in the middle of something. Other guards I worked with would do the same thing. Sometimes I forget something and have to run back up after i come back to rotate. They do the same thing. I have even caught one guard adjusting his schedule after he saw me booking flights for a vacation. Cord dude even stood nonchalantly over my shoulder reading what I was writing in my blog one night. Now I'm not a nosey person and really try to stay out of folks business but I wonder why am I like I am and some others are so damn nosey. Its true we all learn from observing others but some take it too far. It just feels like people are stealing something from me while at the same time they just treat me some kind of way. Why do I have such weird relations with people? In some cases maybe its on me but I refuse to take the blame completely. People are just a trip is my takeaway from all this. I have said this before that it can be difficult to heal your person from toxicity when you are constantly around it. Ask me again why people get on my nerves so much of the time. I try to be patient but sometimes it really is best to simply stay to yourself and speak only when spoken to. I know everyone has certain ways and have seen other guards have issues with each other but man do I keep getting paired with some characters. I can't even imagine what folks might be saying about me and I have been accused of trying to be "the ideal worker" yet the truth of the mater is I do appreciate the job/benefits I have even if its not perfect and I believe its too dangerous to let ourselves get too relaxed working in this facility. Also its not hard for me to think about how miserable I was when I was broke and jobless...

A few people have said I am addicted to ordering stuff from Amazon. This is probably true to a degree but one reason I like to shop online is because of anxiety. Sometimes when I go to the supermarket those stupid anti-theft alarms go off and I figured it was likely because of my bus pass or the electronic card we use to scan doors open at work yet I've become so self-conscious about going to the market and security watching me suspiciously it has become a real battle of willpower for me to even go to pick up a few things so yeah with Amazon I don't have to deal with that. 

So I got work started on the cover for the 1st issue of SonsOfLegend which will be largely the material our short film will be based on. I mean some stuff will be in the film but obviously, as the series goes on there will be some changes. I just think I can get away with more crazy stuff and elaborate action scenes than I could in live action. The comics from the Kickstarter campaign are getting printed and I asked how much it would cost me personally to print out some and the cost was surprisingly reasonable. Also Nerds With Badges will start back filming next month when I take a short vacation. Actually have everyone lined up or scheduled who will be in the new episode. So the elephant in the room is when will I start with getting apparel done as some folks have expressed interest in the hats or shirts. As for the cartoon we are still struggling to get storyboards done. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement but I may have someone. Not sure if I mentioned this before. Its a lady but I had to put here on pause because I needed more time to raise the money to pay her. Because I just can't do the whole being BROKE until the next paycheck thing anymore. Its good to pour money into projects and the occasional luxury item purchase but money management is one of the most important things in life to learn. I'm getting better at it too. After Feb I will be pausing on buying anything that isn't a necessity. At least I'll have my tax return to help me out though especially since my apartment will be getting a serious overhaul next month... Its time. Tired of looking at...chaos. 

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 Book of Dreams: Jan 2024 Edition.

In some of these the details are sparce because I either got up and quickly jotted down stuff at the moment or later as it was fading (or perhaps I was just half asleep...)

As you can see (below) my mind has been working overtime lately for some reason.

1.24.2024

Me, my cousins Juny and Johnzilla were being held hostage by a homicidal family of white brothers. They had guns on us and everyone was frozen in place. I couldn't take it anymore so I bolted and ran. My cousins then started to fight back taking advantage of the distraction. I ran outside to hide under what looked to be a wire frame for a mattress(?) I was seen laying there and hiding by one of the brothers. He was laughing at me. Juny jumped him at that moment then I ran. I looked back to see he was fighting Juny but I wasn't sure who was winning but fearing for the worst. I ran to a house after climbing a fence in what was now a snow covered landscape.  A white family took pity on me. They were all very well dressed. I think I overheard one of them say how much they hated the family after me. I was near a door talking with this guy who stood guard at the house entrance with a rifle. We saw one of the brothers run by the window and dude signaled for me to go. When I found a black dark skinned woman maid in a kitchen area (I think) and asked for help calling the police she started going on saying something about my skin being lite bright. 

1.23.2024

I was in a car with a brother then afterwards driving a car next to him. He was in a red car. Seemed sorta annoyed I was driving (his car?) because he was kinda shaking his head and covering his face. Also I was painstakingly preparing to go to school. Not sure how I'd fare in class and just dreading being in the building. The car looked familiar.

1.21.2024

Me and Lymonicus met a cute guy at some super market and he was leaving with us. I was driving my own car but reluctant to drive back from where we were. In the dream I recalled how nervous I was when Brianopolis made me drive all the way back from Venice. 😭

1.15.2024

Was listening to a live Teena Marie concert and she was talking to a little girl. The audience laughed during certain parts.

1.14.2024

Makes a candy covered apple in some kind of fryer.

1.13.2024

Was in a car riding as an earthquake happened. It was pretty intense.  Not a small one at all.

1.12.2024

Was spending some time with my sister Fatisha.

1.10.2024

Intense flying dream and I woke up in the dream levitating over a table with a bunch of wine bottles on it. I carefully concentrated then came down in a somewhat controlled yet a bit of a clumsy fashion. Knocked over a few bottles but I didn't fall completely on the table. More in a kinda propped up fashion.

1.8.2024

Was riding on a bus? There were other people and I was talking about how much I miss how simple life used to be as we went through my Grandma Mary's neighborhood.

1.7.2024

Was in this spacious state of the art house after buying junk food from a store. Candy and a cookie. The house belonged to Orange Dre and his mother Roqamae. I was worried about settling off alarms when I opened the door which was unlocked. I wanted to do a video for social media but was worried it might entice some thieves to try to break in after they saw how dope the place was.

1.7.2024

A brown skinned brother with a slim athletic build and low hair cut was on me and doing these sexual gyrating movements.

1.5.2024

Steven Smith was in this dream and I dropped/lost a coin in water.

1.2.2024

Dancing like Michael Jackson and dressed like him with high water pants and Ali (former guard) was there.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 134

 I was able to binge watch and finish a show I've been following faithfully over the years called "Legacies". The show revolves around Hope a young woman with vampire /werewolf/witch lineage who is attending a school for young folks with supernatural abilities. Of course, this situation results in many crazy and dangerous (sometimes funny) adventures. As the show neared its finale Hope unlocked her full potential but the trauma of that experience caused her to "switch off" her humanity. This basically turned her into a Dark Phoenix type individual. For all intents and purposes a godlike being with nary a moral code in place to temper her interaction with others. I think on some level my own "switch" activated when I faced trauma from things in my life. Losing a sister. Losing an aunt. Drama at work. Covid. Problems with projects. Money issues. The brother who has disappeared from my life...all of these things and more and then came the biggie...or the proverbial straw...losing the connection I had with a certain person at my job who I really was in love with but it was what is commonly called unrequited. Or as they say "He just wasn't that into you" I realize I made a mistake that fateful day when I invited dude into my place. It never should have gone to that. So yeah I take responsibility for all that happened between us. I take responsibility for choosing to not speak to him anymore because of the realization there would be no future with me and this man. Probably could have been weekend lovers but it just messes with me knowing the person I'm with would rather have me as "the side chick". Ain't nobody got time for that. Well maybe some of ya'll do but...thats kinda nasty when you really think about it. Sometimes in life you have to walk away from a situation because you see that train coming. Sometimes as Aretha put it...it hurts like hell. So sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to do what is right. 

As time goes by I find myself coming back to myself gradually. Dreaming more. (Often of home and family. Visiting the old neighborhoods) Thinking more on things important to me. Family. Friends. The time we have left on this plane together. Plans of travel. Better focus on finances and careful planning for diet/health stuff. Splurging (within reason!) Speaking of splurging I was able to get a 43-inch 4K tv as a holiday gift to myself.  The next big thing I wanna get is a 4K disc player. After that the luxury purchases are gonna come to a screeching halt because I gotta figure out whats what with me getting some storage. Not gonna rely too much on crowdfunding for projects so money has to be set aside for productions. So when I made the decision to not date for like forever that was me turning off my "humanity switch" as a survival mechanism for sure and it was extreme yet the irony is I do need to take myself out of circulation for awhile because I'm not ready to be seeing anyone. I think its safe to say I need to disappear myself at least for the rest of 2024 and work on all the things important to me. Things that make me happy. Yeah I do think of sex and I can fantasize with "self interaction" but the desire to even be with anyone...well it feels...these things are taking energy away from other things that mean more in the grand scheme of my life. Not gonna lie. There are times it feels a poison has spread thru my body because of chemical changes and its reminding me to take better care of my body. Help my body process this shit you know? I said all that to say its time for me to get my ass in a gym or something. Where do the harmful toxins go when they're not being released? Nowhere. They just stay inside YOU. Also moving out of the US...well that inclination has become a thing...again. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 133

 The New Year is here and its already feeling newer no pun intended. In some ways things are still the same though. People are still fighting and killing each other and I think we waste time on so many things while giving little attention to the things that really matter the most. Earlier in the day I was on Instagram and clicked on one of those videos with a warning about how the content was disturbing and I saw two men fighting and one of the men fell right off the train platform into the path of an oncoming train. Dude never had a chance. How many people die needlessly every five minutes and even witnessing something like that have we become numb to this? Sometimes I feel that my brain is trying to process so much at any given time its no wonder I've been finding myself feeling just...exhausted so much of the time. I get up...I go to work and then I'm right back at home again. I try to squeeze in time to do the things I really enjoy you know...watching tv, playing some games and then you gotta eat, shower, buy groceries. Try to squeeze in time to do the laundry. Squeeze in the time to call some peeps. Do some business. And we have just two days to recover from it all then we're right back into the routine. I had an interesting talk with an Uber driver tonight about how in his country (Iran) 40+ years ago their president wanted to give people four-day work weeks and the US played a big role in that not happening. We talked about the big homeless problem here in LA and how money and resources are being funneled elsewhere while here...we have so many problems to fix. We talked about all the rich and powerful Jews and Persian Jewish who own so much and could be doing so much more with their power as far as changing things. We talked about how some folks have so much money and power they control EVERYTHING. Politics. Law enforcement. Media coverage and how the public perceives certain things. We talked also about how so many people walk around not really giving a damn about whats going on in the world around them. People don't wanna get involved with politics or whats going on in their government and some refuse to vote. If they even know who their leaders are. Its always refreshing to connect intellectually with another person you know? With me its not always videogames, comic books, and superpowers. Even though folks outside looking in get that and some want to change me I have always been that multifaceted intellectual yet quirky individual trying to use what he has to survive in this ever-changing and complicated world we live in. Most will never see that. They will never see past my skin or social awkwardness but perhaps with the words I write here future generations will get a better picture of this man that I am...this man who is like Captain America a superhero twisted by fate and circumstance into something much greater to survive. I feel like Cap who woke up to find he was in a world that had changed so much he could barely recognize it from how it used to be. No matter how wonderous this world can be at times with all the marvels and advancements I can't help but at times wish I could go back to simpler times.

Finally caved in and got myself a bigger tv. Its a 43-inch TCL 4K 2023 smart tv. My Xbox Series S looks REALLY good on it. Its too bad my internet is so janky because its a struggle to stream 4K content. Still what with how crazy these companies are getting with digital content there has been some sort of movement to revive the physical media format even as some store chains are cutting that shelf space. Some companies remove your digital purchases over time for a variety of reasons. This has been getting more and more press recently. Folks who bought movies and games digitally going back to find out they can no longer access the content that they paid for. Been there do that and hated it. So I guess it really is a good time for me to be thinking about getting me a stand alone 4K disc player for my new tv. After I get my player that will be the end of most luxury spending for me as I move closer to production on SonsOfLegend. This was to originally be a short but I've decided I wanna do a full length project. This will bring me back into the realm of crowdfunding to raise the money and its something I feel confident in now that I saw the success of the kickstarter to fund my Dragonmanx comicbook. So much of my time and resources and concentration will be on this film for awhile I think its safe to say. But it feels good to be moving towards something. Much better than spending time thinking about dating or so overwhelmed by things going on that my mind feels numbed some times from it all. I honestly believe I am done with dating and a love life. These are things that have not worked out for me and in the past and considering how low my last attempt at being with someone took me I realize some of us are simply not meant to have such things. I've had some good situations true but its mostly been pretty dangerous for me and well...I can't look back at this point. In order for some of us to get what we want in life we have to give up some things. Is it fair? Does it make sense? Maybe it does. The more focused I am on chasing building my empire the more progress in life I make. So I won't speak for anyone else but for myself it definitely is a trade-off. Sometimes when I think of how invested I used to be in finding "that" LTR it is akin to hearing a faint whisper in my mind. I do dream frequently yet some dreams have to die for us to live. Having said all that I still believe one day I may find myself within some much-needed family dynamic but the romance phase...its just done. One thing I have been thinking about lately is getting me a fur baby. I think it would be cool having someone else to look after as it is my belief that animals are like spiritual air fresheners. Not a dog. Not a cat. Something smaller and low maintenance. What exactly? Perhaps a rat. Maybe a mouse. Could be something like a Chinchilla. Not big on rabbits. Not saying I don't like them but my experience with rabbits and even hamsters hasn't been that great. Gerbils and ferrets are nice but ferrets and gerbils are illegal here in Cali so theres that. Birds are cool but I don't really want one of those. Also, it would feel weird having someone who can fly confined in a space much of the time. Probably sometime this year when I've cleaned out the clutter from my place I'll get myself a critter. Whether or not I can bring them on trips is gonna be a bridge to cross when its time. Would be cool though to bring said fur baby home with me when I go visit family. Another thing over the years I've pondered is getting an emotional support animal. Your pets are that anyway (unofficially) but when its actually official you get more perks.

Earlier it was brought to my attention one of my supervisors sent me an email about me having my bluetooth speaker here at the desk to listen to music. Its strange that after a year he suddenly wants to take away something that helps keep my mind together at this place. A year ago I had a similar issue with a supervisor and it led to us having a big meeting and that resulted in upper management saying it was cool for me to have music. I tried to explain this to dude but he wasn't hearing it. I swear sometimes I feel that always having to look over my shoulder or having someone telling me what to do is stunting my development in some ways. What is it like to get up and go to work when you feel like it? What is it like to sign your own checks or to not to have to answer to anyone? I've never had that feeling of control in my life. Sometimes its like Magneto told Pyro about being a scorpion among ants. Someone with so much potential being controlled by lesser evolved beings so much that he forgets he should be the one making the rules. Sometimes I get the idea I should be more powerful in my life and for whatever reason only just now am I starting to experience real ambition. I can't keep living in a situation where I'm check by check and not really having the time and resources to live life to the fullest. It is true that I have become more responsible and more financially savy but its still not enough you know? Seems making films is my way out but other ways to rise up for me could be in other fields as well. Politics. Tech. Nerds With Badges has been getting neglected and sometimes its frustrating when you post content and you get no interaction from others. The tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear its sound. What is my demographic? Who watches or would be interested in my content? Gay people? Gay black people? Gay blerds? Gay nerds? Black people? Nerds. White women with nerd tendencies? Vampire blerds who date white people? These it seems are the things one must seriously ponder when creating content. Well if you wanna make any money or get those views and clicks. It is a tricky art to master...this process of doing what you enjoy and making a living off it. I don't need 100 million in the bank but I can settle for 12 million. I can.