I was able to binge watch and finish a show I've been following faithfully over the years called "Legacies". The show revolves around Hope a young woman with vampire /werewolf/witch lineage who is attending a school for young folks with supernatural abilities. Of course, this situation results in many crazy and dangerous (sometimes funny) adventures. As the show neared its finale Hope unlocked her full potential but the trauma of that experience caused her to "switch off" her humanity. This basically turned her into a Dark Phoenix type individual. For all intents and purposes a godlike being with nary a moral code in place to temper her interaction with others. I think on some level my own "switch" activated when I faced trauma from things in my life. Losing a sister. Losing an aunt. Drama at work. Covid. Problems with projects. Money issues. The brother who has disappeared from my life...all of these things and more and then came the biggie...or the proverbial straw...losing the connection I had with a certain person at my job who I really was in love with but it was what is commonly called unrequited. Or as they say "He just wasn't that into you" I realize I made a mistake that fateful day when I invited dude into my place. It never should have gone to that. So yeah I take responsibility for all that happened between us. I take responsibility for choosing to not speak to him anymore because of the realization there would be no future with me and this man. Probably could have been weekend lovers but it just messes with me knowing the person I'm with would rather have me as "the side chick". Ain't nobody got time for that. Well maybe some of ya'll do but...thats kinda nasty when you really think about it. Sometimes in life you have to walk away from a situation because you see that train coming. Sometimes as Aretha put it...it hurts like hell. So sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to do what is right.
As time goes by I find myself coming back to myself gradually. Dreaming more. (Often of home and family. Visiting the old neighborhoods) Thinking more on things important to me. Family. Friends. The time we have left on this plane together. Plans of travel. Better focus on finances and careful planning for diet/health stuff. Splurging (within reason!) Speaking of splurging I was able to get a 43-inch 4K tv as a holiday gift to myself. The next big thing I wanna get is a 4K disc player. After that the luxury purchases are gonna come to a screeching halt because I gotta figure out whats what with me getting some storage. Not gonna rely too much on crowdfunding for projects so money has to be set aside for productions. So when I made the decision to not date for like forever that was me turning off my "humanity switch" as a survival mechanism for sure and it was extreme yet the irony is I do need to take myself out of circulation for awhile because I'm not ready to be seeing anyone. I think its safe to say I need to disappear myself at least for the rest of 2024 and work on all the things important to me. Things that make me happy. Yeah I do think of sex and I can fantasize with "self interaction" but the desire to even be with anyone...well it feels...these things are taking energy away from other things that mean more in the grand scheme of my life. Not gonna lie. There are times it feels a poison has spread thru my body because of chemical changes and its reminding me to take better care of my body. Help my body process this shit you know? I said all that to say its time for me to get my ass in a gym or something. Where do the harmful toxins go when they're not being released? Nowhere. They just stay inside YOU. Also moving out of the US...well that inclination has become a thing...again.
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