Confessions of a sad superhero book 84

Had to cut Sir Nathan loose yesterday. I don't know for how long but he did something that really pissed me off. On purpose and just out of the blue. He and I got into it on New Years because he kept calling some actors ugly and it got to the point I just let it drop because I didn't want things to escalate but then the other day when I posted a promo poster on social media about the new "Last of us" series on HBO he goes and posts "Ugly black man" This really hit me hard and it was at the worst possible time for dude to do something like this. I don't like the idea of calling anyone ugly because I am sick of preconceived notions of what or who is beautiful. This is why so many folks suffer from low self esteem and this body shaming bullshit. I asked him to remove the post but he didn't so I just blocked him on instagram. I'm actually starting to get good at cutting people from my life. Sometimes it worries me but I don't need people in my life who play games with my head and try to hurt or manipulate me. Thats what enemies are for right? 

The whole thing with Nathan is messed up though because I had a meeting yesterday with the director who worked with me on a NWB episode and we are gonna go into production on Sasquatch and The Mythology Sisterhood. I'd planned some pretty cool stuff for Nathan but after we have released all the footage already shot as webisodes I will have to recast him. There are some other folks I have in mind for roles. Some I might ask. Some are flakes and we may need to audition some talent. There are a few actors I'd love to have come back to reprise stuff but some are SAG or union  which might make things difficult. We'll see. I spent much of tonight tinkering with a six page script. Probably will format it or have homeboy do it for me over the weekend. Theres no rush because I gotta save up a GANG of money. The filming date is tentatively set for sometime in April yet May or June even might be more realistic. I was planning to quit my job in a few months but for the sake of this film (and my comic book projects) I gotta hang on just a little bit longer... 

They started training us the other day on some new procedures since we have phased out the other security company that was helping us out. I was thinking of maybe changing my post just for a change of pace/scenery. I am so tired of having to deal with these kids. When I lived at a shelter and it was mostly all adults we never really had any problems. Here it can quickly go from 0 to 100 over some drama or questionable individuals hanging around trying to do shadey shit. Thankfully its been rainy and cold recently so folks are staying inside. The bad news is we got flooded and it might be awhile before all the elevators are working again on top of some other issues due to electrical damage. I really feel for the maintenance because they gotta go up and down the stairs to bring in or out trash. Ugh and I lost another damn laptop tonight. This is the second laptop/tablet hybrid that has died on me. The other one kicked the bucket back in Oct when I was in Florida visiting the moms. Perhaps these things are simply not worth having? I was uploading files and had the laptop playing Pandora as to not go into sleep mode which would stop the upload. When I couldn't get the computer to come out of sleep mode I had to do a force restart. Afterwards the stupid USB ports stopped working. I couldn't even get the damn thing to charge. Amazon told me they'd refund my money which is wonderful. Meanwhile I did a system cleanse that completed just as the power depleted. Luckily I had my chromebook but I need to get another laptop to keep here at work in my locker in case I ever don't fee like lugging a backpack to work. I have an older one but its not able to update to the latest windows and is LOW on storage/memory. It truly is always something.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 83

(To: "This is Earth Wind & Fire" Spotify Playlist -50 songs-)

This is one of those rare times when I am actually not at work doing a blog. But this morning was really out of the ordinary. See what had happened was I woke up around 3am and looked at my phone to see I'd missed a call from my job. There was a voicemail from my job though. I looked at the date and realized it was Tuesday morning and NOT Monday which meant I had somehow missed a day. Perhaps it was the knock-off NyQuil I drunk but I quickly got myself together because I wanted to at least show up for some of my shift. They told me because of the rains there were floods in the lower parking levels and on top of that the other guard I would have been working with had called off. He's been doing that frequently will often take a day off right behind me if I happen to call off. So anyway I came in to work with like an hour and a half before the shift ended. It was raining pretty hard for awhile and I had to wait for the prices to drop on Uber and Lyft because they were really high. Not sure why this works but after I restarted my phone the prices dropped down to reasonable. $15.00 is a whole lot better than $30 or $50 right? 

It still blows my mind that I thought today was Monday. I don't think this has ever happened before and its really got me thinking theres too much going on in my head and I need to take it easy. Sooner than later. There are alot of things on my mind. Been thinking alot about family lately. Dreaming about family members. Then theres that terrible incident that took place last month all because that cop cancelled on my Nerds With Badges show and I opted to try and film a show with "E" whose homophobic tendancies came roaring to the surface because he thought I called him a gay slang term. He did apologize but I don't belive he understands how devastating his actions were. Now I have to decide whether or not to even bother getting the episode edited or just eat the $500 dollars I spent for the film crew to shoot everything. This has really made me pretty much rule out the idea of ever having a co-host or guest anymore on my show. The people I have tried to work with don't share my passion and knowledge of the topics for discussion and although I've been open with restructuring its crazy to think folks wouldn't want to take advantage of a platform just being dropped in their laps which could actually elevate their exposure. I can't make people want to be passionate about something and having people that are limited in their ambitions as well as how they think can hold me back. Its like trying to break free of negative energy that tries to cling to you and weigh you down. Not to judge but when I look at how some people act and their way of thinking it becomes clearer why they haven't really managed to build anything for themselves. My circle needs to change. Or like Oleta Adams said sometimes its a circle of one. Sometimes it can be a lonely climb on the path to the top. 

Spoke to Captain Liberia the other day. His pregnant daughter moved out to stay with his other daughter. The one who'd previously run off to NY. The baby daddy is also staying there with them. Meanwhile his other daughter who is special needs is making progress in her programs and should be able to go into a more independent living situation eventually. Dude seems like he's getting burnt out on the whole gay life and expressed a desire to go back to dating women (if thats even possible) I didn't even know what to say as he said this stuff to me. I think I have in my mind moved on from Jonathan. Its just been so long since we have been intimate and I was forced to come to terms that he's just not that into me. Maybe he might have been at one time (let him tell it) yet I can't honestly say I really believe he ever was really in love with me. He never really acted like he was. When a person loves you they just do certain things and you can't really be mad when someone shows you over and over who they are. I think Jonathan may have never really experienced a healthy relationship so he never really learned how to be a good lover. Yeah the sex is awesome but emotionally he is distant. Am I supposed to tell him how to be better relationship material. Yeah I know I have my own issues yet in some ways I realize emotionally I might be more mature than many of the gay men who have crossed my path. When you realize there is so much BS out there mentally one can come to accept perhaps those days of dating and intimate relationships may just be things one must leave in the past. It is sometimes a struggle let me tell you. Some days are better than others. I don't want to be single. At the same time I don't really mind it if that be my fate. Sometimes the memories of what I had remind me it wasn't all bad. Up and down. Sometimes calm like a gentle rain and other times like a rollercoaster about to jump the tracks. There were some truly great moments and maybe just maybe my happily ever after is in fact right NOW. Some of us don't get that shining knight to come and save us. Some of us have to save ourselves from this lie that says we need someone else to come along and make us happy. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 82

 (To Stevie Wonders Original Musiquarium via Spotify on my Ipad)

The year came and went. It was truly a bittersweet experience. Filled with adventure,wonder and excitement with some amounts of tragedy, horror and drama. Just as in 2021 Christmas holiday I ended up getting sick again and was unable to really do anything during the three days off I had. I used one of those stupid covid tests the job gave us and my results came back negative. I was kinda expecting to test positive because this was a pretty intense affliction. I had a headache. My throat was all kinds of weird and I kept blowing my nose like literally every five minutes. Could a snot dimension somehow exist inside me and that's another one of my freaky mutant powers. What are my other freaky mutant powers? Heightened strength, smell, taste, and hearing. (Sometimes freaky balance) Heightened reflexes/reaction time. Empathic (Incoming and outgoing. Often hard to control) ability. Regenerative talent. Ability to sense spirits. Some degree of time manipulation. Precognitive. Sometimes lucid dreaming. (Thats where you take control in your dreams and make things you want to happen happen) Reality manipulation. There's also this talent to inspire others. But I guess when you think outside the box and ask all the questions including the uncomfortable ones thats bound to happen(?) 

Since I was unable to go to Disney like I planned I ended up going to Universal Studios with Sir Nathan The Unpredictable. I swear the more time I spend with Sir Nathan the more things about him that make me go...wait a minute...is this guy really someone I should call a friend? I suspect many of us use the word "friend" loosely. So there was this incident in particular... As we were walking towards an attraction I noticed this guy crying his eyes out. He was sobbing so hard and I could tell he was in so mcu pain. I stopped to look as did some others just really trying to see what was going on and to make sure he was okay. A young hispanic guy came over to hug and provide some comfort. Nathan was so irritated that I stopped and seemed completely devoid of any compassion. I am not kidding when I say even when I got home there were times  the sound of that guy sobbing crept into my head and  it came with a terrible feeling. Also sometimes dude can be VERY critical. It could be at times he says certain things just to get a rise out of me. Like he straight up said Jonothan Majors is ugly and refused to back down when I told him how negative and mean-spirited it is to say something like that about someone. We got into it also because he went on about how Hollywood only casts dude because he's ugly. I kept reminding Nathan that just because he says someone is ugly does not in fact make it true and that is only his opinion. I have noticed alot of that going around. Instead of saying "I think" or "Its my opinion" people simply state something as fact. Like critics with reviews and often folks go along instead of trying to think for themselves. We have all done this but I have noticed more and more that my own tastes tend to go against things these people say. Just last month this game came out called "High on life" which critics trashed but meanwhile it was loved by the gaming community. Myself included. 

Tonight (this morning) here at work I got a quick lesson in compassion. There was this guy I saw lurking aound the property. A young brother. Dark skinned. He wore a hoodie and carried a skateboard. I noticed him setting up some card board around one of the more secluded entrances and was calling for some guards on patrol to remove him. The same guard who is one of my soda stealing suspects called out on the radio telling us she had already handled the situation. She'd told the kid since it was raining he was okay to sleep there until it stopped raining. So I guess I can message the ninjas I sent to her house and let them know their "assignment" has been called off. Much respect to her for giving a damn about another soul in need. Lets me know there is still some good left in this world.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 81

 Comic Con LA came and went just like the rest of the year. Honestly, it seems this year whizzed by. Some things were accomplished yet there is always room for improvement. I guess thats always the case right? I found out my boss is leaving in Feb. A cool officer transferred to another location and I will be working on the 23rd when typically I get the holidays off. (The 23rd and 26th are being recognized as holidays this year since Christmas and Christmas Eve fall on the weekend) Alot of folks are on vacation and we're short on guards. At least thats what my supervisor told me. Mentally I am in a good place. For the most part. I think thats probably because at any given time I have so many things on my mind I can't really focus on any one thing for too long. Sadness. Loneliness. Insanity. Etc. (I've been dreaming frequently too. Dreamt about my father and my Grandma Mary today/yesterday) I find myself laughing alot to myself these days so that is a good thing. Just laughing at some funny scenarios that play out in my mind or some of life's ironies. I know I have said this before but life is so much easier to navigate thru when you have a thing or things to look forward too. Sometimes I do feel I might be trying to do too much but what can you do right? I did shoot another episode of Nerds With Badges last weekend. It didn't go quite the way I expected but it did get done. First off my cop guest canceled literally at the last minute. He left a text saying his daughter got Covid so he had to take her to the emergency room. I'm not entirely certain I believe him. It is what it is. Just the timing of it all seems suspect you know?

So without a guest and against my better judgement I decided to go ahead and film anyway. $600.00 for a professional crew. I got the space for free and my "co-host" Elijah agreed to give me a freebie session since he'd ghosted me and Sir Nathan of Lovecraftonia. Turned out I should have gone with my instinct and pushed everything back until I had a guest because even though we had some good dialogue Elijah and I ended up having a falling out due to a really weird misunderstanding that just came out of nowhere. He came in a few minutes late even though I specifically asked him to be on time since the owner of the space was sweating me about the strict two hour limit he was giving me. That was because he was unable to completely give an edit of the episode I paid him $450.00 to shoot months ago. Some software issue made half the episode mute. So as Elijah came in I was talking to the crew and said after someone said Elijah was coming we need to be sure it was indeed him and not a fembot (a reference to men or women robots that fought the Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman on both their respective tv shows) Elijah actually got offended and later basically exploded on me as we were getting ready to start filming when I mentioned the part in As Good As It Gets when due dropped the guys dog down the trash shute. Elijah was like "Would  you think it was funny if I said the part where the gay guy got beat up was funny?" Then when I was like where did that come from? He went on to say I didn't really know him and that he was ghetto or something and there are gonna be some things we need to be clear on or something to that effect. I was baffled and justifiably offended as well as weirder out he was pulling a stunt like this in front of other business professionals. Really honestly I was confused as hell.  

When all was said and done with the shoot we all went our separate ways as usual and I stuck around with the crew to take some photos on the rooftop until my uber arrived. But...as time went on and everything hit me I realized dude had came for me during that shoot and that feeling of "uncomfortableness" that had blindsided me wasn't something I could just let go. After having some time to think about it I sent homeboy a text telling him because of what was said to me I'd decided to go solo with my show from now on. He tried to call and sent me back a text saying he apologized for offending me but I have said some things that have offended him. So I need to be held accountable as well. He urged me to listen to a voicemail which I did. He also said he hoped we could talk. He mentioned being sick that day and still managing to come to do the show. He said some crap  to me about how him being a heterosexual man I need to basically not cross certain lines or something like that and really as I thought more about the whole thing it dawned on me that he has definitely said plenty of stuff that could be considered offensive. I think I even have some on camera and often have to remind him to be careful what he says on camera. Even Sir Nathan of Cronus has said some things Elijah says concern him. Especially since they are both in the industry but anyway it seems Elijah got the wrong impression about the fembot comment and I sent him a video youtube clip from TSMDM and TBW showing them fighting fembots. In hindsight I recall some gay folks like to use the term fembot and thats probably why Elijah reacted thinking it the equivalent of saying "girl" like some gay folks call each other. Maybe he thought I was calling him a diva? Anyway I am probably gonna be mad for awhile because the whole thing was just stupid. He said some things also about me being mad cool and how he hopes this doesn't create bad blood but honestly part of me wonders if such a small thing could make him trip well... Also what kinds of experiences do other productions have with this guy? We don't really know each other and some heterosexual people can be weird with the whole gay thing even if initially they can seem accepting. I just need to be careful about the types of individuals I allow in my life and to listen more to my instincts as something was strongly saying to cancel THAT Sunday. My instincts are also a bit concerned about my planned trip to Disney THIS coming Sunday (Christmas) come to think of it. I was hoping to go with a cool guy from work but he's scared of Covid and I'm not sure I wanna go it alone you know? Guess I need to make a decision regarding that soon. (Sigh)

And in other news... 

One of my favorite celebrities died this week via suicide. Twitch was one of the sexiest black men I have ever seen and I have been a fan for years because I used to watch "So You Think You Can Dance" almost religiously at one point on Hulu. That was something I would always do in the morning when I came home from work waaay back when Captain Liberia was staying with yes. Mental health is starting to get alot of airtime as of late but I can't help but get angry everytime dwell on how much money the nation spends on war and other things instead of doing something to help those of us that struggle with mental illnesses. I mean with some of us its depression. Some people are bipolar. Then theres schitzophrenia...shit like that. My thing is really just severe social anxiety and social awkwardness. Sometimes its some depression but nothing so severe I would wanna try and check out you know. Sometimes I think I could help others deal with these things but I'm not really sure about that. I mean to say I doubt anyone is gonna wanna listen to me. Life can be REALLY tough at times and it can be a damn nightmare if you're out here without support,outlets of expression and being able to look at how others have been able to keep on going. Of course it goes without saying that some days are better than others. Speaking of Captain Liberia he called me and sent me some FB messages. I just told him in texts I have been so occupied with life yet that is only partially true. The other reason I've not called him is because I have being working on weaning myself from people who I have probably outgrown. Well you know how that goes. So I might call him on his birthday. I might. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 80

 I am sitting here (at work) listening to chill reggae music and this other person just sat down and literally started playing music loud on her phone and its weird to me people will do stuff like that. Almost as if trying to disrupt my energy instead of just putting on headphones. Is she trying to get a reaction? I guess thats almost as weird as people deciding to call in sick the day after I do it. Lol. Then there are the people who keep walking up and trying to pull the door open while I am sitting here at the desk. Just random folks off the street. They often seem determined to pull the door open and enter. There was a time when these doors weren't even locking here! Just what exactly were they expecting to happen if they did manage to come inside??? My life is populated with interesting characters I tell you. Not saying they are all bad people but I guess I will never cease being perplexed by some human behavior. Yes I am sure its safe to say some folks call me a character too... So moving along...

Anyways...I went on a sort of date yesterday (Mon) with someone I met at work and it was pretty cool. Since he's very private I have to respect his wishes and not reveal his identity. This particular person is someone I usually see when I am leaving in the morning and they are usually masked up and wearing a hat with a hoodie and to be honest the first time I actually got a good look at his face was the night we chatted via the whatsapp video app via my phone. Dude shocked me because he is absolutely gorgeous. I know its funny because it was almost like going on a blind date. We went to the Grove and had lunch at Cheesecake factory. The conversation was cool and there was some flirting going on. But to me its kinda weird being out with someone and feeling so...low key. Like dude didn't want me to post any photos of him so we couldn't take any picture together that I could share. Theres potential for a good friendship I think. Possibly. I'm not really feeling a strong need to be romantically linked with anyone at this stage in my life. We did also dream about each other. I dreamt he was putting a hickey on my neck and dude said he dreamt of making love to me. Its unusual for me to dream about people especially people who I have not known for awhile but it is especially interesting that someone into me that I am into dreamt of me like the same day I did about him. We are slated to go to an amusement park for the holiday. Considering I am still in town of course because I do still want to go see my Dad before the year ids out. We'll see how things go. At lunch I ordered grilled salmon and he got some crusted salmon. He was quick to mask up after we ate. He forgot his hat and had to go back to look for it with success. Yes I was tempted to invite him back to my place but you know I gotta do some serious cleaning up before that can happen. Although he did offer to help me move some furniture around at a later date. Dude has an interesting background in that like Captain Liberia he is a transplant from overseas. I have felt for the longest I will end up with a guy from another country. We'll see I guess.

Comic Con LA came and went like a blur. I was able to go and took plenty of photos/videos for social media and Nerds With Badges. Went over my spending budget too but we are not gonna get into that. There was a Black Comic Con type event I missed this weekend. Shot a new NWB video just a few hours ago and will be doing an episode with a guest this weekend that I gotta prepare for. Next year I want to do an episode of New york Comic Con. That is gonna be quite the event. I should have plenty of stuff to promote also because the fruits of my creative labors are about to yield a bountiful harvest...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 79

Listening to the "Loose Ends" R&B station on Pandora. 

The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. First off I wanted to make an effort not to come here all the time when there was bad news or I was upset about something. I dunno. It seems thats how it is most of the time so I waited until I felt a bit more balanced. Been dreaming alot lately too. Not that i'm complaining. The last dream however was much like an action suspense horror thingie. I was in a gas station and it was being held up. The whole thing played out all the way to the end with the main antagonist getting shot in the groin by a sheriff who responded to calls for help from a young boy who was being attacked. I kid you not. This was one of the most realistic dreams I have ever had. I wish i could wake up and the last two years were all a horror suspense thriller. Anyway I am in the process of editing the botched Nerds With Badges episode fragments. I think I can piece together something serviceable but the files are sooo big and since they have done something to the internet here (due to the kids hacking shit and almost getting the center sued) its taking forever. as it is I can't get online to play Mario Kart matches online and Vampire The Masquerade Bloodhunt refuses to even load the title screen. So there is no way to play offline apparently without an internet connection. I suspect some sort of firewall has been put up now. This happened right when I came back from my Halloween Florida trip to see Mommy and them.

I didn't do anything over the Thanksgiving holiday. Just rested and played games. Watched movies. Some folks wanted to hang out but I wasn't really in the mood. Seems I barely have time for myself. Real time to just relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor. You know? Captain Liberia called but I have not bothered to respond. Theres this weird instinct that keeps telling me to stay away. Telling me not to waste anymore time on a raggamuffin who really ain't as into me as he'd have me believe at times. Its like he will let time go by and before it gets too long he will return to sink his hooks back in my brain matter. Thats what it feels like. Its like that song by the Supremes. You don't really love me you just keep me hanging on. I am working hard to get bro out of my system and this other guy from work seems into me but he's not really my type. I maybe could give him a friendship but I need to be tactful in letting him know I can't go there. I did say I was taking a break from dating and it just feels right right now. 

I did buy a few things for Black Friday. Got some crazy deals on a few games. Actually got up off my butt and went down to Gamestop to get the new Digimon game which was mad cheap for Black Friday. I actually did all my laundry and cleaned up a bit in my place. Its starting to look...well its starting to look almost like a place I would have someone stop thru for a visit. Almost. That old depression can really do a number on you. I think its safe to say I have bounced back from a very dark place. When you have enough time to yourself I think the mind can get a chance to heal itself from all the BS. BS from other people mostly I think. Speaking of BS I had a sparkling water stolen from the fridge at work just before we went on our four day break. I have two suspects really. I can't prove anything of course because people are sneaky as hell but mostly I am inclined to think it was a certain security guard I work with on certain days. I saw this person go in the kitchen and heard them rambling around in the fridge. When I asked them if they saw my drink they denied it but...whatever. The other suspect might be a person who was mad at me because I said something when they jumped up to go thru pastries left for the security dept after a guard said they were for us in front of them. I was like those are for the security guards. They were PISSED because they brought it up alot after and acted incredibly offended but I was like what do you think would happen if someone brought out food for your dept and I ran over like "OOOH let me see! Mine MINE MINE! SHARE!" So like I said two suspects. Was I wrong to check said individual? Whatever the case the end result is I know not to trust any of these bozos around here. Stealing from your co-workers or trying to be petty creates an unsafe environment especially when it can pit folks against each other. I keep expecting people to be noble and just I swear.

Irene Cara died over the holiday. She was a phenomenal artist and contributed greatly to my early teen years. She was only 63. Lady had/has an amazing voice. Very distinctive style too. Like a Mariah and Chante mix only without all those crazy high notes. Flashdance and Fame are two things I can't even imagine having grown up without.

Comic Con is this weekend. I might go with Sir Nathan of Palisades. (I always change Nathan's name to "Sir Nathan" of something. Its a running joke between us I suppose) I was considering doing another Nerds episode this weekend and somehow incorporating a Comic Con trek into it. Might have to film it myself though. No need to pay someone a small fortune to do something you can do yourself right? Its funny that more and more I am learning some of the things I have hired others to do for me I definitely could have done waaay better. It just takes time and practice...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 78

 Everywhere I have ever worked there is always at least one person who plays the role of arch nemesis for me. I guess every good superhero needs some good villains and my story definitely has more than a few. Honestly you can just mind your business, stay to yourself and people will still come for you. I have a situation at work with a maintenance supervisor who reported me to my bosses because he saw my computer that I leave at a table up in a room on the second floor. He claims my computer equipment makes it problematic for his workers to clean the area. Now I myself actually clean the area everyday before I use it because folks leave ood in the room often and the table is usuallly covered with grimey sticky finger prints and I don't wanna put my stuff on it because only God knows where the hands of those prints have been. I swear some folks are just so NASTY but anyway I'm wondering if this is something personal. Of course even if it is I can't prove anything and I really hope this isn't a racial thing. Dude seemed kinda okay even though I gotta admit I did get a weird vibe from him from the get go. Ever since I asked him if he had to wait long to get inside the parking gate (since another maintenance worker told me he asked her if she had to wait at times to get in the parking gate). I try tolet people understand our situation with the gate. Sometimes we have to leave the desk. Sometimes we have to use the restroom. Sometimes it might take a minute for us to see a person is waiting out of all the other monitors on that screen we look at. It would make more sense if folks could simply buzz themselves in via a card instead of just sitting there waiting for us to see them or calling us. Much of the time folks have tinted windows and they do just sit there waiting instead of calling and it can be a big risk letting folks in when we don't even know who it is. Some of the kids that live here are free to come and go as they please and we don't even know who they are when they sit there with the windows down. I had issues with another maintenance supervisor who took photos of my roku I used to have hooked up in the other building so I could listen to music and for people to watch movies on breaks. It just seems crazy that sometimes people will go out of their way to be assholes or power trip over small things overlooking the fact (we) security are constantly being put in potentially dangerous situations and are having to deal with so many other issues... I come to work and try to do my job to the best of my ability. So now YOU wanna come for the very thing that helps keep me centered in this place so yeah of course its gonna feel personal. I try my best to avoid certain types of people because they are trouble but every now and then I stumble into weirdos, people with hidden agendas or certain character defects that would under close scrutiny certify them as bullies. Then there's the occasional person with mental issues and I realize I can't exactly blame them for what they do just as I can't be all mad at a potential druggie or alcoholic since chemicals are running the show. But its frustrating as hell when you deal with someone who is evil yet sneaky enough to hide it and get away scott free most of the time because of circumstance or positions of power. I don't wanna make this about race but it has become abundantly clear due to secretly recorded conversations not all people of color are in unity. Its not always easy to identify racism but I wonder. I guess at this point I need to have a talk with my bosses about this situation because I just don't need anymore BS in my life right now. Especially since my creative energies regarding writing and filmmaking have experienced a recent re-surge. What I'm trying to say is that I have been feeling alot of inspiration lately. Been dreaming more too so this usually is indicative of renewed creativity. I can put that into my work so distractions need to go. It is my intent to work here a few more months and then just take a break from the 9-5 while putting more focus on creative outlets. Security has been good to me and I thank God for being able to put food on my table yet its needless to say there comes a time when you really need to move on in order to grow and that day is...well I can feel its very near. Tired of being in these environments and situations that threaten to tear me down and the weight of stress and toxicity along with having to deal with difficult folks drain so much from me there isn't nearly enough left for me to put into other things. Its just something that needs further thought. I think I'm just tired of eating BS and its taking a toll on me spiritually. Just add me to the long list of Americans who need to take a VERY long vacation.

On a side note someone who has hinted they'd like to take in a movie (Black Panther) gave me his phone number. So at least today wasn't a complete bummer. Of course I have to remember I have said I wasn't gonna be putting any energy into dating because I don't feel ready for it. I don't even like going to the movies with other people. Perhaps I'm putting too much thought into this? (Shrugs shoulders and shuts down laptop)