(To: "This is Earth Wind & Fire" Spotify Playlist -50 songs-)
This is one of those rare times when I am actually not at work doing a blog. But this morning was really out of the ordinary. See what had happened was I woke up around 3am and looked at my phone to see I'd missed a call from my job. There was a voicemail from my job though. I looked at the date and realized it was Tuesday morning and NOT Monday which meant I had somehow missed a day. Perhaps it was the knock-off NyQuil I drunk but I quickly got myself together because I wanted to at least show up for some of my shift. They told me because of the rains there were floods in the lower parking levels and on top of that the other guard I would have been working with had called off. He's been doing that frequently will often take a day off right behind me if I happen to call off. So anyway I came in to work with like an hour and a half before the shift ended. It was raining pretty hard for awhile and I had to wait for the prices to drop on Uber and Lyft because they were really high. Not sure why this works but after I restarted my phone the prices dropped down to reasonable. $15.00 is a whole lot better than $30 or $50 right?
It still blows my mind that I thought today was Monday. I don't think this has ever happened before and its really got me thinking theres too much going on in my head and I need to take it easy. Sooner than later. There are alot of things on my mind. Been thinking alot about family lately. Dreaming about family members. Then theres that terrible incident that took place last month all because that cop cancelled on my Nerds With Badges show and I opted to try and film a show with "E" whose homophobic tendancies came roaring to the surface because he thought I called him a gay slang term. He did apologize but I don't belive he understands how devastating his actions were. Now I have to decide whether or not to even bother getting the episode edited or just eat the $500 dollars I spent for the film crew to shoot everything. This has really made me pretty much rule out the idea of ever having a co-host or guest anymore on my show. The people I have tried to work with don't share my passion and knowledge of the topics for discussion and although I've been open with restructuring its crazy to think folks wouldn't want to take advantage of a platform just being dropped in their laps which could actually elevate their exposure. I can't make people want to be passionate about something and having people that are limited in their ambitions as well as how they think can hold me back. Its like trying to break free of negative energy that tries to cling to you and weigh you down. Not to judge but when I look at how some people act and their way of thinking it becomes clearer why they haven't really managed to build anything for themselves. My circle needs to change. Or like Oleta Adams said sometimes its a circle of one. Sometimes it can be a lonely climb on the path to the top.
Spoke to Captain Liberia the other day. His pregnant daughter moved out to stay with his other daughter. The one who'd previously run off to NY. The baby daddy is also staying there with them. Meanwhile his other daughter who is special needs is making progress in her programs and should be able to go into a more independent living situation eventually. Dude seems like he's getting burnt out on the whole gay life and expressed a desire to go back to dating women (if thats even possible) I didn't even know what to say as he said this stuff to me. I think I have in my mind moved on from Jonathan. Its just been so long since we have been intimate and I was forced to come to terms that he's just not that into me. Maybe he might have been at one time (let him tell it) yet I can't honestly say I really believe he ever was really in love with me. He never really acted like he was. When a person loves you they just do certain things and you can't really be mad when someone shows you over and over who they are. I think Jonathan may have never really experienced a healthy relationship so he never really learned how to be a good lover. Yeah the sex is awesome but emotionally he is distant. Am I supposed to tell him how to be better relationship material. Yeah I know I have my own issues yet in some ways I realize emotionally I might be more mature than many of the gay men who have crossed my path. When you realize there is so much BS out there mentally one can come to accept perhaps those days of dating and intimate relationships may just be things one must leave in the past. It is sometimes a struggle let me tell you. Some days are better than others. I don't want to be single. At the same time I don't really mind it if that be my fate. Sometimes the memories of what I had remind me it wasn't all bad. Up and down. Sometimes calm like a gentle rain and other times like a rollercoaster about to jump the tracks. There were some truly great moments and maybe just maybe my happily ever after is in fact right NOW. Some of us don't get that shining knight to come and save us. Some of us have to save ourselves from this lie that says we need someone else to come along and make us happy.
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