Comic Con LA came and went just like the rest of the year. Honestly, it seems this year whizzed by. Some things were accomplished yet there is always room for improvement. I guess thats always the case right? I found out my boss is leaving in Feb. A cool officer transferred to another location and I will be working on the 23rd when typically I get the holidays off. (The 23rd and 26th are being recognized as holidays this year since Christmas and Christmas Eve fall on the weekend) Alot of folks are on vacation and we're short on guards. At least thats what my supervisor told me. Mentally I am in a good place. For the most part. I think thats probably because at any given time I have so many things on my mind I can't really focus on any one thing for too long. Sadness. Loneliness. Insanity. Etc. (I've been dreaming frequently too. Dreamt about my father and my Grandma Mary today/yesterday) I find myself laughing alot to myself these days so that is a good thing. Just laughing at some funny scenarios that play out in my mind or some of life's ironies. I know I have said this before but life is so much easier to navigate thru when you have a thing or things to look forward too. Sometimes I do feel I might be trying to do too much but what can you do right? I did shoot another episode of Nerds With Badges last weekend. It didn't go quite the way I expected but it did get done. First off my cop guest canceled literally at the last minute. He left a text saying his daughter got Covid so he had to take her to the emergency room. I'm not entirely certain I believe him. It is what it is. Just the timing of it all seems suspect you know?
So without a guest and against my better judgement I decided to go ahead and film anyway. $600.00 for a professional crew. I got the space for free and my "co-host" Elijah agreed to give me a freebie session since he'd ghosted me and Sir Nathan of Lovecraftonia. Turned out I should have gone with my instinct and pushed everything back until I had a guest because even though we had some good dialogue Elijah and I ended up having a falling out due to a really weird misunderstanding that just came out of nowhere. He came in a few minutes late even though I specifically asked him to be on time since the owner of the space was sweating me about the strict two hour limit he was giving me. That was because he was unable to completely give an edit of the episode I paid him $450.00 to shoot months ago. Some software issue made half the episode mute. So as Elijah came in I was talking to the crew and said after someone said Elijah was coming we need to be sure it was indeed him and not a fembot (a reference to men or women robots that fought the Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman on both their respective tv shows) Elijah actually got offended and later basically exploded on me as we were getting ready to start filming when I mentioned the part in As Good As It Gets when due dropped the guys dog down the trash shute. Elijah was like "Would you think it was funny if I said the part where the gay guy got beat up was funny?" Then when I was like where did that come from? He went on to say I didn't really know him and that he was ghetto or something and there are gonna be some things we need to be clear on or something to that effect. I was baffled and justifiably offended as well as weirder out he was pulling a stunt like this in front of other business professionals. Really honestly I was confused as hell.
When all was said and done with the shoot we all went our separate ways as usual and I stuck around with the crew to take some photos on the rooftop until my uber arrived. But...as time went on and everything hit me I realized dude had came for me during that shoot and that feeling of "uncomfortableness" that had blindsided me wasn't something I could just let go. After having some time to think about it I sent homeboy a text telling him because of what was said to me I'd decided to go solo with my show from now on. He tried to call and sent me back a text saying he apologized for offending me but I have said some things that have offended him. So I need to be held accountable as well. He urged me to listen to a voicemail which I did. He also said he hoped we could talk. He mentioned being sick that day and still managing to come to do the show. He said some crap to me about how him being a heterosexual man I need to basically not cross certain lines or something like that and really as I thought more about the whole thing it dawned on me that he has definitely said plenty of stuff that could be considered offensive. I think I even have some on camera and often have to remind him to be careful what he says on camera. Even Sir Nathan of Cronus has said some things Elijah says concern him. Especially since they are both in the industry but anyway it seems Elijah got the wrong impression about the fembot comment and I sent him a video youtube clip from TSMDM and TBW showing them fighting fembots. In hindsight I recall some gay folks like to use the term fembot and thats probably why Elijah reacted thinking it the equivalent of saying "girl" like some gay folks call each other. Maybe he thought I was calling him a diva? Anyway I am probably gonna be mad for awhile because the whole thing was just stupid. He said some things also about me being mad cool and how he hopes this doesn't create bad blood but honestly part of me wonders if such a small thing could make him trip well... Also what kinds of experiences do other productions have with this guy? We don't really know each other and some heterosexual people can be weird with the whole gay thing even if initially they can seem accepting. I just need to be careful about the types of individuals I allow in my life and to listen more to my instincts as something was strongly saying to cancel THAT Sunday. My instincts are also a bit concerned about my planned trip to Disney THIS coming Sunday (Christmas) come to think of it. I was hoping to go with a cool guy from work but he's scared of Covid and I'm not sure I wanna go it alone you know? Guess I need to make a decision regarding that soon. (Sigh)
And in other news...
One of my favorite celebrities died this week via suicide. Twitch was one of the sexiest black men I have ever seen and I have been a fan for years because I used to watch "So You Think You Can Dance" almost religiously at one point on Hulu. That was something I would always do in the morning when I came home from work waaay back when Captain Liberia was staying with yes. Mental health is starting to get alot of airtime as of late but I can't help but get angry everytime dwell on how much money the nation spends on war and other things instead of doing something to help those of us that struggle with mental illnesses. I mean with some of us its depression. Some people are bipolar. Then theres schitzophrenia...shit like that. My thing is really just severe social anxiety and social awkwardness. Sometimes its some depression but nothing so severe I would wanna try and check out you know. Sometimes I think I could help others deal with these things but I'm not really sure about that. I mean to say I doubt anyone is gonna wanna listen to me. Life can be REALLY tough at times and it can be a damn nightmare if you're out here without support,outlets of expression and being able to look at how others have been able to keep on going. Of course it goes without saying that some days are better than others. Speaking of Captain Liberia he called me and sent me some FB messages. I just told him in texts I have been so occupied with life yet that is only partially true. The other reason I've not called him is because I have being working on weaning myself from people who I have probably outgrown. Well you know how that goes. So I might call him on his birthday. I might.
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