Brain bruises, bad luck and bullies...
Its been a strange two weeks for me. I had these sores in my mouth that took forever to go away. I think yesterday was the first real day I could eat without feeling like I was eating glass. Not sure what triggered it. Stress. An allergic reaction to something. I am pretty careful now about drinking water at my job from the dispenser machines by popping it in the microwave for 30 sec even if its already hot. The fact someone somehow got ahold of my debit card number and racked up some charges caused me grief since last week and I just got a replacement card yesterday. Then on top of that I still haven't gotten my Steam Deck console because the Fed Ex driver couldn't get in my building. I missed him three days in a row because somehoe he has a different phone number on file for me than the actual Fed Ex HQs who texted me to let me know I missed my order. The package is being held at some Fed Ex way out in Bell which is at least an hour and a half by public trans from where I live. I used to live in Bell way back when I was at the shelter over there so I know how inconvenient that journey is. Also Google canceled Stadia which was a game streaming platform I was supporting. But at least they are gonna refund everyone. I guess in a few weeks (or months) several hundred dollars will just pop up in my bank account. Meanwhile hurricanes are happening in Florida and I have been trying to get in touch with my family over there. On a side note the authorities seem to have caught those responsible for killing that rapper in Roscoes last week. It still blows my mind how easy it is for people to kill each other over basically anything these days. We are all out here struggling to make ends meet and to pay our bills then we gotta worry about fools running around ready to try and make us prey. I guess that is why so many folks walk around looking mad all the time. Gotta keep up that tough facade.I think I walk around looking some kind of way but its because I have so much going on in my head.
Sometimes people make me feel some kind of way and I have to be careful. Like tonight while doing patrol I was having trouble with the elevator in the courtyard and I heard the sound of laughter behind me as a couple of youth seemed to have found amusement in my predicament. That pretty much sent me spiraling into a funk that only lifted when I watched a funny video on Instagram that Viola Davis posted. They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Say you're tired. Stressed. Sleep deprived and maybe dealing with an ailment or bad situation and something happens that might otherwise bounce off your skin but in that one weak moment your mind snaps into a dark place. It hasn't escaped me that when I have clear focus I am usually able to roll with the punches. Earlier tonight I was triggered by that laughter. It put me in the same funk of being back in school as a kid being picked on and laughed at even though I can't say I am completely certain those people in the courtyard were actually laughing at me. I guess it has happened so much that my mind automatically goes there. Like a LYFT driver said to me the other night regarding how sometimes the LGBTQ community can go too far with things or cancel culture yet its because of having endured so much bullshit we can often be too paranoid or even unforgiving enough to turn against someone who said or did something we don't like nevermind the fact they have done so much for our community up till that one goof up. Yes this does regard people like JK Rowling and maybe even Whoopi Goldberg and Kevin Hart to name a few who paid the price for one little "slip up".
Theres a cute new security guard here. Well he works for another company that helps us out because they are contracted. Some worry they are eventually replacing us but anyways I find myself looking at hot guys and then reminding myself that I am out of the game. It feels almost weird or beneath me sometimes thinking about wanting to be with someone. Even sexually it feels like something I can't really see myself doing anymore. Masturbation is just too damn tiresome and even though it can be spiritually cleansing...well like Barry White said "Too much of a good thing isn't good for anybody" But sex is something that feels like it was something that happened to me a lifetime ago. I think about it and it feels nasty. Am I good at it? I don't really think of myself as sexy. I don't even know what that feels like. Maybe I never did experience that sensation. What does it feel like to look at Sergio and think of him as sexy? Then when I look at some of these hot guys with their perfect bodies these a feeling of intimidation and I have to remind myself that they are flawed just as I am and some of them are children with mens bodies. I give folks too much power over me which means they can take it away. I am giving total strangers control over my life when I punish myself for now living up to their standards! I realize when I am around other folks so much of the time I feel myself feeling out of character. Like my behavior changes. I remember someone telling me years ago they quit a job because of how goofy their co-workers made them feel. You gotta be careful or you could end up letting people mold you into something. How many monsters in society...murderers or stone-cold psychos could have been so much more in life if their environment or garbage minded individuals hadn't played a factor in that mental development? It is true the little girl sits in the corner and learns to play by herself because the others don't understand her. But without a proper social interaction she could become a wild animal. Sometimes I think other people might look at me and see something like that yet I understand they are blinded by their own lack of compassion and the irony is I cannot hold their limited development/intelligence against them. If I do that then I am allowing myself to be infected with their madness/negative energy and it means I have learned nothing from my own humility. I guess thats why the gods gave us artist types outlets. Our super powers. Find a way to get that shit out of your system you MUST or DESTROY YOU IT WILL! (In my frantic Yoda voice)
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