Came in to work with a headache that has been lingering the past few days. Luckily one of the staff gave me some migraine medicine and that seems to have done the trick. Honestly I really considered taking the night off but ended up deciding to come in. Had two interesting dreams earlier. Maybe the headache came from my mind trying to process stuff in my life hence the dreams. I wonder sometimes if my brain is expanding or absorbing info or am I suffering from ginseng poison. Its probably my vision because some days its really kinda funky and the allergy medicine had no effect on the pain. In one dream my father was carrying me and we were bumped by some chick which made him drop me and we rolled to nearly fall into some water. After that I ordered this weird looking icecream concoction with stacked ice cream sandwiches on it. Then in another dream a woman bumped me causing me to drop these two colored cups. The cups seemed to fall in slow motion or stop because I willed it but then the dream was over. So I have no idea how it ended.
Captain Liberia has been reaching out to me via facebook messenger more than usual recently. This is interesting. I am still committed to not putting any energy into any guys. Much less him because instinct is telling me he has someone he's seeing. Trying to keep it on the DL I guess. They say when the little voice is telling you something you need to heed it. During our conversation over the weekend he mentioned plans to get a house and having a room in it for me. Its probably safe to say some folks on this planet are truly awesome individuals. But only as friends because as lovers it just doesn't work. I think Captain Liberia falls into that to have and not to hold category. Well that term implies sex is going on but nothing serious is gonna happen. Sometimes you are not enough to hold that persons attention for whatever reason. Maybe they are not mature enough. Just like some guys have trouble showing affection and I really can't be mad at that because it may be beyond their capability. Seems from my experience it is mostly the more masculine type fellas who have trouble expressing themselves that way. Yet it is mostly this type ALOT of us gay men want. I cannot pretend to understand the flawed logic behind wanting someone you are not compatible with. Yeah I know the heart wants what the heart wants and all. I struggle sometimes having strong feelings for folks who I am not compatible with. These guys don't want me. I don't hold out hope on this changing and I really don't know how I'd react if that guy who threw me away like yesterday's trash oneday has an epiphany realizing he wasted so much time on chumps when what he needed was right in front of him until he violently rejected it. Hell JLO and Ben got back together and people are allowed to change, to grow but I guess it depends on how much pain was caused and if its good for you emotionally to go with someone you're not equally yoked with. Mostly I am inclined to say most people don't change that much. Also I am not obligated to want you because you had a change of heart. Especially if you are not on my level emotionally and only wanna get with me because nobody else wants to put up with your mess. But also what if you really have changed and REALLY see me and we complement each other's style by being together? I'll go on record to say there are definitely folks I met many moons ago who were good for me and I should have given them a chance. I was foolish and immature once upon a time. But I would not approach someone who things didn't work out with before because to me that moment in time is done and gone. Not saying I am not open to second chances, just it would not be something I'd easily and readily embark upon.... Maybe its the thinking of this shit that is making my head hurt. It certainly seems to hurt my spirit whenever I start to dwell on past rejections, constant rejections. Makes you doubt your self worth in this age of internet bullying and body shaming or chasing after things that really don't contribute to overall well being. I think I'm realizing more than ever there is joy in having "me" time and perhaps this is why folks give up everything and run away from the life they once knew to start somewhere new. Everybody in Cali want that me time(?) so you can see how this can be a problem when EVERYBODY wants it. Then again I can see more and more people losing some social skills or not being able to really interact in healthy ways with each other. Every body got a story and most of these hurt folks likely didn't start out that way. Life happens. I might have seen the perfect person but because he has such a hard life he mad dogged me on the street when a simple good morning how are you could have changed everything. I guess no matter how crazy my life is now there is still a sliver of hope one day I might have a relationship with a cool guy I'm compatible with yet I don't kid myself on the odds of that happening. Especialy now with so much going on in my life. This is really a transformative period for Sergio.
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