Had quite the shock tonight when I came in to work. We had to evacuate the building because Godzilla came out of the water and was heading in this direction. Just kidding. No what really happened was I got a call from my boss because of something that happened last night or rather this morning. She came in and saw me listening to music. I was actually listening to it on Youtube and doing a search on Bing for something I can't even remember but she tripped because she saw my Ipad laying there on the desk in front of me. Even though the screen was off. She was like put that away and we kinda got into it. Well it was me really because I was like "Its sometimes so crazy or just crazy quiet around here and it I don't understand why we can't have music to help keep us up or sane". I was really upset and thinking about giving my notice because pretty much every other security company I have worked with for the night shift didn't trip on guards having music. I even explained how crucial music is when I do patrols because I have playlists that usually consist of people like Seal, Prince, Jamiroquai, Stevie Wonder, El Debarge or Phonte Coleman just to name a few. I already got in trouble months back because she came in and saw me on my Nintendo Switch. So at that time we had a big meeting and I was told it was my final warning so after this morning I was at a crossroads on what to do. Give my notice or wait for the proverbial hammer to fall hoping that maybe it wouldn't fall. We had a loooong meeting this morning and I really voiced my concerns about them making a big deal out of me just trying to keep myself stimulated at work as well as all the pressures going on at work or all around us in the world at this time. She was really tripping because she saw the iPad but she said she could understand where I was coming from (I may have heard a snippet of her and my supervisor speaking about my anxiety before I walked in the room) so she would talk to her boss about a possible solution. Not gonna lie because I was stressing bad and started feeling like I was having some kind of anxiety attack at home before I came in tonight. I tried to take a quick nap just before I came in but I just laid there heart beating and restless. All these thoughts were going thru my head. Just trying to hold on at my job with all the craziness. Sometimes its like I'm hanging on a thread. Tension between me and people here who don't like me. Tension from constant harassment by people in my building. Anxiety over projects I'm working on. Money issues. The characters of questionable morality outside. The homeless people we have to deal with. The prostitutes and other people who constantly use the bathroom in secluded areas of the property with no respect to this facility that provides such a great service to their respective communities. Residents hopped up on drugs we have to deal with. Then on top of that police don't always show up when we call them. Then theres the big elephant in the room. This is something I have mostly kept to myself but last month something snapped in my head or maybe a light bulb came on. I made a decision I wasn't gonna go to Captain Liberia's graduation. It was really me just standing up for myself. Realizing I wasn't gonna continue to give my energy to people who don't seem to really care about me. I accepted that my life is better off not chasing this concept of romance and relationships because these guys out here are really just not feeling me for whatever reason. I honestly don't think I'm what they want and its time I started caring more about what I want. All the lies and BS...all the self-absorbed immaturity and people who don't understand me. Fuck all this trying to get people to understand and accept me. None of that is important when you feel yourself slipping into darkness and you realize you have wasted your emotional money on a business that was doomed from the start. A part of me worries alittle sometimes but everyday it gets easier living to make myself happy...living to achieve my goals...living to work on having better relations with the people and things in my life that really matter. So when I got here at work tonight I was not expecting my boss to call and tell me she'd spoken to her boss and it was decided there was no problem with us listening to music as while on duty. Of course I was appreciative and thankful. I told my boss I really appreciated this. I mean the gratitude was practically overflowing because I was not expecting a "Yes". I know in the grand scheme of things being able to listen to music might not matter or might not be that big a deal to some but to me it was the avalanche that cleared a mountain of uncertainty regarding me staying at this job for the rest of this year. Music helps me cope whether I am inside or outside these walls more than words can say.
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