I walked down the street and folks moved to get away
scared of that virus
acting like you got the damn plague
guess you can't be too careful?
In the store we stand 3-6 feet apart with tape markings on the floor.
Store clerks stand nearby watching
ready to enforce if need be.
At work I have seen folks
CROSS THE STREET
as to not walk near the building.
On the bus nobody wants to sit next to you
but my buddy sat next to me a few times
I guess he doesn't care
we're both security guards and wearing those damn masks anyway
but his co-worker keeps his distance.
He's always done that.
Hey I have that effect on some people
have learned painfully
not everybodys gonna like me
and everybody has enemies
Try as hard as I might
some just never see the good
(or maybe some little birdie whispered in their ear?)
Yeah I know what folks say when I'm not around.
Dude at work saw me
let the elevator close and went
right back upstairs
I always thought there was something with him
so now I know.
(I've no idea what I could have said or done
to be treated like a damn serial killer or defiler of children)
I'm a good person
guess the only person who really needs to know that is me in the end.
I guess those who look in on me from time to time
from the other
they know the real me.
When you look outside
streets are basically empty
everybody wearing masks
and theres a real feeling of gloom
Its heavy
like fog
President is in over his head
everybody blaming china
spreading wild stories of endangered animals being eaten
5G contamination
and secret conspiracies
add to that; so many are out of work
waiting on that stimulous check
and you get nervous when somebody coughs or sneezes
at the bus stop a lady moved from a coughing man who then got on the bus and coughed
I hate wearing the masks
but I got creative like so many others have
My mask makes me look like a ninja
(I dare not wear that one at work)
They gave us a mandatory mask to wear.
They check our temperature now too.
Sometimes it feels lonely
I really need to clean up my place
and I gotta try to cheer up more
Staying focused
at least I am still writing and working on projects
at least I spoke to my family
and I find myself missing them
missing the dangerous African too.
Something strange tried to afflict me
Not sure if it was pneumonia or....?
No cough
No fever
No shortness of breath
Not really
(I do struggle with allergies and sinus shit at times)
But my body fought off something alien.
Bus drivers make all of us wear masks or they don't open the door
and most make you enter thru the back door
and its FREE(!)
Cats big and small are getting sick now from this shit
plus you gotta be careful when you open your mail
spray it with Lysol
and let it sit for a day or two.
Stores are closed
people are out of work
economy tanking
folks saying Trump is crazy
yet he's still in office
(Try and figure that one out)
These are some strange times we're living in for sure
trying to deal with the regular crazy of me
and the world
now its PLUS the new crazy.
The crazy that still at times feel like a dream.

Life in a pandemic

Demand for beds and ventilators is up
masks are starting to get harder to find
and on the street nobody wants to stand or walk near you.
The whole thing feels like a weird dream
but when I get on the bus and the driver only opens the back door
and in the grocery store we stand 6 feet apart
the reality hits me
that this is the new reality.

I found a mask this morning.
Truth be told
I have a cold
one thats breaking
and I took a few days off work last week
where we get our temperatures taken
when we come in to work.
(You see my job is an essential business since we have a shelter)
I have truly been blessed because
so many folks are out of work
businesses are shut down
and the stimulous checks can't get here soon enough
(Even Japan is doing stimulous chekcs now)
Its crazy to say I love it when the streets are clearer
the air is clearer and people are actually coming together
and not so much trying to kill each other
for a chance.

Why does it take things like this to bring us together?
Is the earth fighting back?
I need to laugh more
get my immune system back up
play these videogames and dream about romance
wishing THIS right here was some kind of a dream.
This life in a pandemic.

I look upon you
so often
we talk
sometimes it seems theres something
but its a flicker
not quite enough to light a fire.
I thought about what it would be like
to hold you
and we'd hold each other
making this big old scary world seem
a lot less scary
you know?
(Every so often it seems theres an enuendo from you
or is it me reading too much into something?)
But outside these walls you don't see me
don't call upon me
so its all but a dream

*****

COPY CAT

Copy where I put my lunch
Where I take my lunch
Suddenly decide to listen to music because I'm doing it.
break out the computer like me
and even start going to the store like I do
sometimes buying what I buy.
Its a bit freaky
because I know you don't want to be me.
So many people do this though
making me wonder if they they lack independent thought.
Steal my ideas
watch my every move
shun me yet snatching samples of who I am
steal my crew
steal my concepts
throw them all in a pot and shake them up
but its only your ambitions that fall from the strainer
You like me
but at the same time you wanna kill me.
Perhaps you wish to consume me
just like on Highlander
cut off my head and take all that I am
to make yourself better.
What an unholy marriage we are.

*****
Walking outside
you don't see many people
Some think its the end
the world fighting back against mankind
pollution has definitely slowed
because everybody is inside
giving mother nature the chance to bounce back
since they won't do it voluntarily
she up and said Ima force your ass then.
Everybody wearing these masks
I don't
I trust this crazy immune system the gods gave me
Crime is down
People are actually acting right for a change
helping each other.
Scary as the pandemic seems
its achieving some good
as insane as that is to say.
So far (to my knowledge)  I've not lost anyone
even though my heart aches for those who have.
Some can't even go to work
since so many business are shuttered.
No E3 this year
No comic cons.
Not even sure if the airlines are functioning
whole world gone mad
because its all been shut down.
"Stay your ass home!"
Everybody keeps telling us.
So we do
and all we can do is wait
trying to go on
waiting for that stimulous check
trying not to get so lost in despair
so lost in becoming shop aholics
running back and forth to the store because we're afraid we might run out of things
if tomorrow the supermarkets shutdown for good.
I do like that the streets are almost empty
no one really taking the ubers
and the buses are free
mostly because the drivers want us to stay the hell away from them.
Some folks are protesting
saying they want hazard pay for having to work in this situation.
Places are running out of masks
and hospitals are packed
yet in all this we remember those we rarely "see"
the medics,food folks and law enforcers out there
because unlike most of us
they have always been
….on the front line.

A silent crying place.
(With TBG music)

I come from a dark place
trying to focus on the light within
beset upon constantly
those who watch me
want to destroy me
even as they are studying my every move
and learning from me
stealing really.

Hating me
clocking me
jocking me
from a distance
trying to figure me out
when all they have to do is
come see about me
just ask me about me.
But I've grown accustomed to this
even as I'm aware
I'm evolving past this.

I'm listening to
all this classical music
training left hand and right hand
getting smarter
so smart that at times it hurts
and the psychic vibe is so strong
I have to monitor what I'm thinking
so it won't affect other people.

You think having super powers is cool?
Better be ready if it happens
because that shit can drive you crazy
if you ain't ready.
If you ain't ready
you're gonna wanna wish it away
trust me.

Pheremones
mentally emitted radio waves
whatever the shit is
its real and
it can isolate you
in all the worst ways.
Some master it
or get mastered by it
and they feed off grief
but they live in the shadows
and nobody believes they exist
just like they don't seem to believe
they can be just as happy spreading light.

********

I was at work the other night
and this short mofo screamed at me
"What the fuck you looking at?!?"
Same mofo screamed at the police moments earlier
on the other side of the building
(How was I to know?)
Was just walking minding my business.
It so crazy how nastiness can come for you
without warning
I told her/him/it
"What the fuck you looking at?!?"
"Yeah keep walking!"
They kept walking.
It felt good to stand up for myself
It felt weird having turned on my own nastiness to defend myself
from this short nasty minded person who got kicked out the facility.
Nastiness lives in so many people
especially when you are on the low end of the totem pole
you know what I'm talking about.
Working these jobs
being around a certain mindset
folks who wouldn't last five minutes in the corporate world.
I'm working on getting control of the nastiness inside me
the darkness
because I realize trying to get rid of it would probably be like
cutting a cats claws off.
(How would they survive in the wild?)
This life sometimes feels like its the wild wild west.

At last I understand
fully understand
why so many black folks walk around looking pi$$ed all the time
Gotta keep those damn claws showing in the world most of us come from
or some other beast will try to test you
Folks be walking around ready to pounce
believe it.
I gotta get away from these people.
Its not a bad job but it feels akin to slavery at times
It feels like a war zone
trying to stay up mentally
then having to deal with savage people
from these savage streets
with their savage ways because no one ever taught them different.
Some of them are GONE
belonging to drugs
mental illnesses that will never fix.
Don't even get me started on the people in my life
ungrateful parasites
who take and take
daring to think I don't know whats going on
not realizing I'll eventually be
moving on.
They keep coming back
some trying to come back
whether its in person or via social media.
(Sigh)
Misery loves company.
Its not all bad yet I can't help but wonder
where can I find a psychic sponge to come and suck up all that nasty energy?

Been so down
the last film shoot really did a number on me
I had a real bad moment with the DP on production.
It was a misunderstanding really
It reminded me that I gotta reach out for some help in production.
My mental state right now
its slowed me down alot.
Was deep down in it since that last shoot
stopped cleaning up my place
wasn't playing videogames as much
and buying way more comics than reading them
Only going outside when I absolutely HAD to
feeling so
unpretty.
First day of real therapy is coming up and here I am wondering how much if any can it really help.
Lady Gaga says therapy would mess with the artist within.
Part of me agrees
because I'm able to figure out much of the shot going on
still its good to have someone to talk to sometimes.
Its something ironic really there have probably been times I have talked some folks away
from the proverbial edge.
I guess its funny because mostly I talk myself away from that edge.
(Then again its not like I would ever try to hurt myself.)
I have things going on
saving money
making plans
seeing progress
noticing a potential specialness I'd almost given up on
(even though he lives far away!)
got my health and strength
(for the most part)
and I'm not living on the street
sleeping on cardboard like that cute homeless guy I found at work the other night.
Sometimes it just gets so hard
so hard to see the "silver lining"
as they say.

That is such a corny thing to say now that I think about it....

********

Little Demon Bitch

The little demon bitch lives next door
she/it has spent decades nipping at my heels.
It watches me thru the peep hole
when I leave or enter my place
taps my wall
stomps around upstairs
dragging furniture
with wild abandon
it astrally projects
following me around
jealous of any happiness I can snatch from life.
She clogs up my sink
turns the hot water cold
and eavesdrops on
as many of my phone conversations as she can.
Her hate is so powerful
sometimes it wakes me from slumber
makes my stomach twist and turn
swells my head with pain
from her attempts at magicking me to death
or struggling to break into my mind.
She constantly bombards me with negativity
and he rpoison is so deep I can feel her
even when she's not around.
I scream inside
I scream thru my craft
knowing this is my cross to bear until I'm able to leave this place.
I know her stink would have sunk anyone else
so I have to laugh at two ironies
I have to endure this for awhile longer
She has to endure not knowing
she's wasting away wasting her time trying to drive me out.
I can't leave until I'm ready
and she has just about run out of tricks.
She's getting too brave too these days
taking dangerous risks
I can see the stress taking a toll
(I wonder if I can sue?)
You're gonna get caught one day
little demon girl
even if you manage to keep avoiding the videocameras
and you're slick enough to cover your tracks
making it seem like I'm the one with the problem.
No matter how slick you think you are
or how fast you slink away into the shadows
none of us can escape from karma.
That cup of proverbial evil is spilling over
You have filled your quota
disrupted one life too many.
The dark clamors to claim back those stolen energies.

You're on borrowed time.

2020 has gotten off to an interesting start. An old roomie dropped by unannounced last weekend because he needed a place to stay. Now this guy is someone I've known for a good while but I've put distance between us because well as anyone knows as time passes you come to realize some folks you have to kinda cut out of your life. For whatever reason. This guy tends to text or call me up out of the blue only when he needs something. He's not someone who calls to wish me a happy birthday or to go out for grub or a movie. He basically came across like he can just show up and made an attempt to intimidate me but I suspect on some level he realizes he can never do that again. He had the heater on full blast and I turned it off when I smelled something burning as he'd parked it on the floor scant inches from where he was sleeping. Also when I let him use my house keys he was gone for a loooong time.  I put up with some stuff from people but after awhile it just gets old. Even if he's one of my actors who I might need in a project....

The Dangerous African came into town for his birthday (Christmas) so I took him to Universal. It rained a bit and the day was mostly cold and overcast but we still had alot of fun and took a bunch of photos. Sir Nathan of Delphia (The Dangerous Jamaican) got us a discount at his job so we ate for cheap and the staff came out to surprise The Dangerous African with a birthday serenade. The Dangerous African has accomplished so much and I am so proud of him. He's taking care of three daughters, holding down a job and going to school to be an RN. Not bad for someone who only just recently came to the US right?

The job is starting to get more and more stressful and its becoming more apparent its time for me to leave. But I gotta save money and work on my creative outlets. Filming is set to start again on Sasquatch and I am working on some other stuff (comics and novels etc) Gotta stay busy and motivated. Honestly I've gotten to the point where I'm soon gonna cut off all luxury spending so I can save money and also have funds to produce my work. I may hang on to work at the center for another six months but this will be only to tie up loose ends and make sure I am okay till a better opportunity comes along you know? You can't stay at one place too long.

Was on the phone with my father the other day and it really got me to thinking. He said he was concerned as he didn't really have any way to get info in case something happened to me so he made sure I gave him a contact. (I'm sure he could also contact the lgbt center but that wasn't the point) My dad is like 70 plus and I guess as time goes by you start to reconnect with your kids. I'm actually finding myself longing for the good old days and nice times spent with old friends and family I've not seen in awhile. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It wasn't all bad you know? I've just been so off into my own world and coming to terms with my weirdness which is apparently one of my greatest super powers. The ability to freak people out while also insuring my survival. Much of the time I think I am too out there so thats why I keep my distance from....humans. I guess I'm coming to grips that I may never actually fit in anywhere yet this doesn't have to make me sad or lonely ultimately. You have to learn to love yourself quirks and all and not depend so much on others for anything.  I'll likely always be a "work in progress" but thats okay because I know where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. I don't really live my life worrying about pissing off "the gods" either because I realize regardless what some folks believe, I'm a good person. So thats something. I try to bring some light into this world and make some sort of difference you know?

As far as videogames go....its been a bit frustrating. I spend way more time working on, troubleshooting or doing updates on things than I seem to actually playing games. What up with that? Part of me misses the good old days when you just put a game in the system and it WORKED. As shy and insecure as I can be at times I am still determined to get some sort of videogame players club together. I purchased an Xbox1S just for that purpose but it was kinda discouraging when only one person came to my first gathering. Even giving Sir Nathan of Delphia a refurbished Xbox1 wasn't enough incentive to get him to game with me on the regular. I gotta be more careful when I pick people to give things to. I mean I should give stuff to folks who will actually appreciate or use it. Then again I suspect he has broken or given the system away because I never see him online when I log on. Just sayin. I do post stuff regularly on instagram and often on youtube but have yet to put together like a regular videogamer type of blog. Something that garners plenty of viewers/subscribers could pique the interest of sponsors. People do watch my stuff but they rarely comment or attempt to reach out to for the purpose of friendship. Maybe its all in my mind that people are scared, weird or simply lacking in how to be social in this new techy age we live in? What is the secret of having a successful following online? Successful enough to pay those bills you know?

This is a weird exchange on FaceBook between me and someone I used to consider a friend but had to cut off once I found out they were doing something really terrible. So terrible I had to walk away from the friendship. Now I had started watching a movie called Klaus on Netflix and I posted a photo of the movie poster on FB via Instagram saying how much I liked the film. I found the film to be a magical cool retelling of how the legend of Santa started. This person decided to post "Bah Humbug" as a reply to my post share. In my opinion if you see someone posting something about something they like why the hell would you come on their post and say something negative? Its just bizarre and then it turned into a religious debate. I understand now I was right to cut this guy out of my life.  I've said it before and I'll say it again....negative folks will come for one and it is true misery loves company as cliche' as that saying is....  So the moral of the story? I dunno. Maybe its that its time to take a little break from social media. I'll be filming again pretty soon and really could do without any distractions. I wonder what the two women who run the work clinic I attend would think of this exchange below though. Maybe I'll ask them. Oh on a side note the Kaiser work clinic has given me some good info and solutions for dealing with stress anxiety. Relaxation techniques. Breathing exercises. Meditation/visualization. Exercise. It also helps talking to others who relate.

THE DAMN EXCHANGE....


(POSTER HERE OF KLAUS. I POSTED IT BELOW ALL THE WAY AT THE BOTTOM FOR SOME STUPID REASON)

My comment..... Started watching this on Netflix and all I can say is WOW.

HIM
bah humbug!

ME
If you watched this movie and that is your reaction you really do not have a heart. You actually might not even have a soul....

HIM
no I just don't like Satan..I mean Santa Claus is all

ME
Okay I get that but why not use your page or profile to promote that and not try to come on my comment and defecate all over it? The story has absolutely nothing to do with Satan or really even Santa. It's just a touching story of how the legend began. Come on man....keep the negativity to thyself.

HIM
negativity? naw, beliefs? yes
we all have them & it's nothing wrong with having beliefs...I don't believe in clause or clause & u don't believe that Jehovah is the ONE & ONLY true God & to me that's the biggest negativity of them all, but that's your belief & I don't knock it... just saying

ME
(Name bleeped out to protect the not so innocent)  you have issues man. First off you have no idea who or what I believe in because I don't discuss religious beliefs. That's my personal business and if you want to preach and promote what your beliefs are that's fine just keep them off my page and profile thank you. I don't think that is asking too much. And you of all people have alot of nerve calling me negative or did you forget what you said to me the last time we spoke to each other in person? Now please just STOP. Really. Go away. I'm trying to be nice.... 😼

Light In The Tunnel.

I went to the donut shop and stood in line and wasn't filled with a sense of worry because it took awhile. That's how I've been feeling for the longest and the owner of the donut shop used to look at me realizing something was going on in my head.

I have been dreaming. Sometimes a bad dream which is rare but mostly the dreams are just regular stuff. No otherworldly adventures with velociraptors chasing me in my Grandmothers house. Not lately.

Seems people are trying to come out of the closet around me lately. I guess folks are starting to realize alot of the shit we have been taught about religion and our sexuality is BS. Congrats I say to the rest of the world for finally catching on. And no I'm not saying this like I have all the answers because I do NOT.

Its crazy how people will come for you. Out of nowhere it seems. Its like they see you on top of the mountain enjoying the sprizzle of fresh clean cool cleansing water on your face and they wanna defecate all over your dreams. Some obsess over trying to destroy a persons happiness. Sometimes it seems impossible to get away from nasty minded individuals with too much time on their hands. Some of the worst enemies to have are mentally ill folks or supernaturally inclined individuals who have lost their way. Ask me how I know. Actually no don't ask me.

I fantasized about someone from my past. Someone(s) from my past really. Sometimes I am a cop or hero being taken by a criminal. But it usually is like that real experience where I got what I wanted and that person blew my mind completely. It was terrible in some cases yet mostly I just think of the good encounters that happened when it was something I figured would never happen in reality. The gay closeted dude who torments me either directly or from a distance inflicting so much mental damage but he secretly wants me (as twisted as that seems) Then "it" happens and I feel myself becoming sprung all the while wishing I had never got myself in that situation but it just feels so damn good when he's inside me. In reality he knows I like him but nothing will ever happen because we both resist our feelings. In reality "it" happened or mostly almost happened because he was too big to go inside me and in one case dude came just from the excitement of trying to enter me. Ain't that some shit? Here I was with a man straight out of my dreams with a body like WOW and he was the size of a beer can. I kid you not. I'm just glad he was understanding.... In one reality it was so terrible and painful and it happened in one reality on the job and we basically didn't talk afterwards. Sometimes its better to let a fantasy stay a fantasy.

The world seems insane but its not all bad. I think about my friends and the people who do good or people who have helped me along the way. I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing for Thanksgiving but Nice Monster Productions asked me if I was going to "The Stinking Rose" and I said yes because me and "Sir Nathan Of Delphia" were planning to go anyway. Still trying to not think of Brianopolis as an incredibly handsome villain because of what went down with "that film" and sometimes I feel myself wondering just how much I should be trusting anybody when so many are only out for themselves ultimately. It feels like its a struggle walking this path trying to stay positive and searching for other good people to be around. Trying not to fall into that place of thinking folks are a mess. Many are but its like unto being a bird and trying to fly up out of these twisty thorny rose bushes. It would be cool to go stay in Africa for awhile you know because plenty of guys are coming at me from there. No lie. (Excuse me I had to go blow the nose. Damn allergies) Just now on the radio (KROQ) they were talking about how people will even resist when you try to do something good for them and I think back to a co-worker telling me how folks might think you are up to no good if you seem too nice to them. I am nice 95% of the time and as far as wanting anything in return for it what exactly can another person give me for being nice to them that one can't get for oneself? I read the news and see people helping animals. I see folks coming together during disasters. Radio stations do kind things to help families in need and companies do these random acts of kindness drives. People give away clothes,toys or free food during the holidays. I have had bosses at jobs really go out of their way to help me when they knew I was going thru something. People have protected me from bullies. Teachers have provided comfort at times when just the thought of being in school felt like a nightmare. Sometimes it is those thoughts of good will towards me or others that inspires and keeps me from going too dark when the comics,videogames and all these other outlets are not enough. But the fact somebody(S!) sparked me into existence and then somebody else carried me around inside their belly for nine months....well those acts pretty much trump anything else anyone has done for me.