Confessions of a sad superhero book 77

Thank the gods that the weekend is here! I am sitting here at work waiting for a download off Youtube. I just uploaded (took ALL NIGHT) the new episode of Nerds With Badges after getting the edit from Thurgood the cinematographer who shot everything. So what I'm doing now is getting the lesser quality version off YouTube so I can upload to other places and it won't take forever and a day as larger files would certainly take on my slow ass internet at home. I might try to film another episode this upcoming week. I mean...I have a few ideas. Maybe go with a guest to one of the Halloween themed amusement parks or drive around talking about things. I was gonna rent a room at my job like before but getting everyone scheduled for the shoot was so much of an issue. Oh speaking of my job the other day a guard just went on his break (before my shift) and never came back. The next day his girlfriend came to drop off the walkie and keys but we never got the cell phone back (for detexes) or his ID card which was pretty damn alarming. Some higher ups came in that night because folks were concerned. I remember when I worked for Guardsmark if a guard lost keys it was a major issue because they would have to re-key all the doors you know? Call me paranoid but all kinds of thoughts went thru my mind. Maybe there is a good explanation for what dude did but it could be a security threat someone having access to the building and who's to say a person couldn't take keys home and make copies? Sure most of us here have probably accidentally taken keys home and returned them but this whole situation has me uneasy. Just saying.

I will be on vacation for a few days coming up and have not really decided what I'm gonna do. I was gonna go see "The Captain" but I don't really wanna go somewhere where I have to make sure I get up and am about when everyone else is plus I need a bit of privacy so my mind can get clear from the spiritual clutter you know? Of course I could use this time to work on something. I always think about reading years ago how Nelly said he and his buds locked themselves up in the house and brainstormed until they came up with the foundation to his empire. Working all the time and running back and forth trying to survive I just feel its hard to even focus on anything else. This is probably why so many people feel trapped in their jobs or situations. I think having kids makes it worse because I can see how folks who have kids really don't have much of a life (at least for around 18-21 years) I honestly think its time I focused hard on that one thing instead of so many and just build so everything won't feel so overwhelming at times. I decided the other day to cut all my streaming services because it was too crazy trying to keep up with all the shows and movies. Goodbye, Netflix. Goodbye Hulu and Disney+. The only thing I kept was Amazon because they give me movies and shows. I get the shipping and friendly service and the music service is great because at work I can download stuff for patrol playlists. Its time to narrow focus in my life. 

Well I am about to get up out of here. Might go see Black Adam if I have the energy. Heard it was okay but all showcase with little substance. Mostly its been spoiled who shows up as a cameo also yet Ima go check it out anyway because I've waitied too long for this film. Just like i have waited soooo long for Bayonetta on the Nintendo Switch. This game has been in production for like 5 years. I was wondering if it was ever coming out and then just the other day there was some controversy as the main voice actress said she wasn't paid properly for her work. Folks were taking up her call for a boycott until more info leaked out she may have withheld some story elements. All I can say is that its not always an easy thing to separate the art from the artist...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 76

 The woman who was deleted by the illuminati and other strange stories.

Last week a lady who works here went to Mickey D's and I asked her to bring me back some food. I repaid her with Zelle then earlier tonight when I tried to pay her for getting me more grub her contact info was just gone. I mean like vanished. Thats why I jokingly told her the illuminati probably deleted her. I was joking but sometimes I wonder. Well mostly I wonder if I have been hacked or something because of some strange stuff going on with all my electronic devices lately. Call me paranoid. You know what they say...just because he's paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get him. I'm just mindful of possibilities but I try not to dwell too much on it. Why? Well because I have to pay my bills. I have to make my films. I have to make use of precious time and in the end it doesn't really matter who is or who isn't watching  watching. People have always watched me. Like a damn rainbow is gonna shoot out my ass or something. But that hasn't happened so far. Not that I'm aware of. What else can I say? 

I had a couple of interesting dreams lately. The other day I dreamt me and an old friend were hanging out and he was throwing darts around. One went into someones window. Then yesterday I dreamt about a certain ex-co-worker. It was someone I liked but that became a nightmare rejection of epic proportions that almost cost me my job. Even to this day the spectre of that event haunts me. I try not to think on it and as time passes it gets easier. Even though there are people who seem to go out of their way to remind me what happened by their icy behavior towards me. Still I suspect they may have heard a one-sided event of what happened but in reality it was me being stupid and being attracted to someone who could never actually see me that way. I got in my feelings and I won't beat myself up for that mistake but I will say it was one of many stumbles that made me come to accept whenever I try to love someone it leads to disaster and there's nothing wrong with just deciding relationships are not for you even if society tries to tell you otherwise. I suspect I have become somewhat numb to these things and the more I look around at whats going on the world I realize more and more folks are thinking the same thing I am. Either we have given up or we are evolving? Maybe I've always been asexual. But for now it appears thats what I have become. Emotionally there is no more money left for me to invest in pursuing anyone. So why the hell is "he" showing up in my dreams when I am doing so good in forgetting that dark period of my life. I guess I should not say forgetting. I am recovering then. Thats what I'm doing and every day its gettingbetter. In the dream we went to a KUSC fundraising concert. I suppose thats because I had the radio on and KUSC crept into my mind since they have been doing this drive for the station. 

Damn my coffee is cold. 

I really didn't wanna get into this Kanye mess but dude is really pissing alot of folks off by things he's saying and now the family of George Floyd is coming for him. They are supposedly gonna sue him for 250 mill. I think Kanye sometimes says things that make sense but he has no filters at all. Also he lacks tact. No matter how brilliant he is as an artist I think he needs to take a chill pill for awhile and get back to focusing on his craft. Maybe he's run out of creative energy and thats why he's basically in my eyes derailing his career because his mind is deconstructing. Perhaps this is a danger to any of us artsy folk who lose our ability to channel for whatever reason. Maybe it was his failed marriage and the death of his moms which led to all this. Just my observation. 

Theres a really big Nintendo game coming out soon. Its been in production for years and is the third act for a successful franchise. The lead voice actress was let go after two games and is now asking for a boycott of the third game since she was denied proper wages and replaced by a new person she basically dissed on social media. Now I'd pre-ordered the game since I am familiar with the work of the company yet I can't bring myself to cancel since as others have been saying....there are more than just two sides to a story. Her version. The company and then what the truth is. If she is telling the truth I will take up her offer to donate to charity. Gonna have to see how the drama unfolds.

The sixth episode of Nerds With Badges was completed and the edit is being worked on right now. Hopefully today I can get a copy. As it is I will be off work next shift since I gotta go to the dentist later. I'm gonna try to see if the editor can meet me somewhere and dump the files onto a hard drive. He said its a big file so knowing my internet it will take forever and a day to upload. (That is assuming I won't ask for any changes to be made after reviewing) I'd like to shoot another episode for Halloween and am seeking to rent out another space at my job since it appears I have two guests ready to film. One is a cool LYFT driver who is an ex-marine. The other is a cool dude who has already appeared in two episodes. This time around instead of spending a small fortune to hire a film crew I am just gonna arrive early on the set and set up my own tri-pod and equipmet. Might need to think on getting some mics for sound though. As far as editing goes I might bring on someone else to do that because I don't wanna mess it up. I am running from this but eventually i need to learn how to edit my own shit... 

The comic projects have kinda stalled because I think my mind sorta crashed or maybe it needed a refresh. Recently I saw someone said that you can overwhelm yourself if you have too much going on. There are moments that I wish I could slow time down or moments I wish I had more time to really do the things I wanna. Trips I wanna take. Games I wanna play. Comics I wanna read. Could be that I'm more balanced than I give myself credit for. I still gotta make time to clean up my place the way I want and I need to get in a session with my shrink because there are some things I need to unload. Got some vacation coming up next week so maybe today I will jot down a real schedule so my life will feel like it has some real structure instead of a bunch of random events going on all at the same time. Organization! I do still want to get back to filming on my webseries but for now the priority has got to be finishing my comics before this year is out so I can put my material on sale because yeah its getting near the time to leave this job...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 75

 I just creeped out to the store (711) for some coffee and encountered some drama. There was a dude who kept coming behind the store counter and trying to stab this other guy with a screw driver. Now I had gone earlier and they were closed but I needed to go back because I wanted some quarters to do my laundry but man...was that intense. I walked in and had no idea I had just entered a warzone...

-To be continued-

Update:

So while maintenance was cleaning the lobby I thought I would quickly dip out to the 711 so I could get some quarters for my laundry and maybe a cup of java. As I approached the store i could hear loud thumping bass of music coming from a car in the parking lot and I thought "Here we go. Did they just see me and turn that up?" Because folks sometimes do that when they see a black guy. Maybe they do it to black women too? Anyway as I entered the store I could hear some comotion going on and people were gathered at the counter. Also people were staring at me which is something folks usually do so I just quickly headed to the back to get some energy drinks so I could escape the eyes. Someone was obviously arguing and I noticed it was getting louder while I grabbed my two Rockstar drinks and went to get a cappuchino but the damn machine was out of order...again. I decided to get some coffee instead and as I made my way to the coffee machine I could see one light skinned brother who was looking kinda wild yelling at someone behind the counter. "Nigga this and Nigga that!" Seemed to be trying to get at someone behind the counter and they were both exchanging words back and forth. The dude at the checkout was VERY aggressive and angry. The guy behind the counter would always seem to say something to piss the angry guy off everytime he appeared about to calm down. Eventually the angry bro went behind the counter. He had something in his hand and it turned out to be a screw driver. I guess he was slashing the other guy as security was not really able to do anything to stop him. At first I thought he was trading blows with the other guy who kept saying stuff like "Man you REALLY wanna KILL me??!?!" Like he was incredulous to it all. I was feeling like I was in the twilight zone as I stood there watching everything happen. It was too risky to try and film what was going on but I kept dreading if dude had a fucking gun. He walked past me a few times but didn't really make eye contact and I didn't exactly look away either in those moments. As it were I couldn't really go to the counter to pay for my shit because of everything going on. Just had to wait until all the drama subsided. Angry dude (who looked kinda like dude I saw in a Youtube video earlier who pushed a guy onto train tracks in NY) kept telling the other guy he was gonna be waiting outside for him. I could see the guy who was behind the counter was bloody and he even said at one point he was bleeding. When the angry guy finally went outside somewhat reluctantly I went over to pay for my stuff. The security guy looked frazzled and I was waited on by this cool dude who once gave me some banana sodas. ANother clerk stood looking a bit bemused/amused as I asked if I could get some quarters whilst paying for my stuff and saying "Oh my God" as my heart beat like crazy. The clerk said "How are you doing Sergio?" I hadn't seen him in months and actually was told he'd quit I think. I told him he was a life saver for giving me those quarters because usually they never wanna give up quarters because we are having a stupid shortage of them for whatever reason (Why would a pandemic create a coin shortage?) After I got my quarters I jetted out of there hoping I hadn't been gone long enough that it would get me in trouble. I told the maintenance and other guard what happened when I got back to work and a few minutes later sirens sounded as the police arrived at the 711. I have no idea what happened after but I did think I saw someone running from the area around that time the sirens went off.  

Confessions of a sad superhero book 74

 The Evil That People Do...

Some guy in thailand went off on a bunch of folks in a school. He killed like 20 kids then went home, killed his wife and child then shot himself in the head. He survived.

Some politicians of the Hispanic persuasion recently got in trouble for getting caught on tape saying some decidedly un-American things about black folks and Jewish folks. Can't we all just get along?

Some folks have been going around stabbing people in NY and folks will just walk up on people then sucker punch them for no reason.

Apparently its now in fashion (with facility residents and their "friends") outside my job on the streets here to get together and fight with crowds of other people either observing or "helping out".

I posted a poster for a cool show that I like on Netflix on my IG and a security guard who used to seem cool trolled me with a comment "Thats the worst show I have ever seen in my life" I responded that it seems mean spirited to come on a persons post and say something negative when clearly they like the topic and he removed his comment. The other day when I asked him if he would like to be on my show I got a nasty response "I'm not really interested man" I blocked him and unfollowed dude on FB because folks be trippin and I ain't got the time for it. 

A few times here at work folks piss on the property outside. They act incredulous when asked not to do it. Then theres the girl who walked past me tonight gazing at me out the corner of her eyes saying "Say something bitch. Say something" over and over as she walked by. I came down hard on myself for not saying anything but i think at the time I was too shocked that that was actually happening to me. Another security guard told me she was practically naked outside one night and that if she had to share a room with her she would be scared to sleep cuz this chick be talkin to herself. (I swear that sometimes I really do think some folks have demons inside them. Fuck a mental illness. Thats not always the "why" I'm convinced)

A guy at my job refuses to speak to me. This has been going on for a long time and my instincts tell me I need to be careful because I have observed some folks who have frequent contact with him have started to behave strangely towards me when they were initially friendly. Its not my business what other people think about me but it says something about someone who sits, watches, plots pointing out your imperfections. I'm just saying that shit takes alot of energy. It does catch up with you when you put out negative energy and do stupid shit. Ask me how I know. I guess we are all stupid at some point in our lives before we evolve. Well some of us evolve. If my grandmother was here she would say "Leave it in the Lords hands and pray for him" So I will.

Somebody was using my debit card for a dating service so I was forced to change my card number. That shit caused me a gang of frustration let me tell you. But at least whoever was hacking my Youtube has stopped. For the moment anyway. 

Sometimes when I think of bad things that have happened to me...bad things others have done to me I think about this guy in NY (I'll just call him "Randy") He hacked up phlegm in my hat and handed it back to me. He made it his business to extra bully me for standing up to him when he picked on another kid. I recall being kicked by this guy named...I actually think I forgot his name. Lol. But "Ronny" picked on me and pushed me down some stairs. I fought back and we both got so tired we walked out of the school together spent. He later told me a relative told him to be my friend which is what I kept yelling while he was pummeling me. I remember getting smacked in the head repeatedly by this big boned chick named "Everly". I remember fighting one bully Black Frank and a Puerto Rican Frank came to my rescue by kicking Franks ass. I have never forgotten that. 

I remember when I first came to LA and was staying in a shelter someone went in my suitcase and took a bunch of my stuff. Back in 2018 a dude who was later caught stole nearly everything I'd brought with me on a trip to what used to be my favorite getaway. The authorities gave me a $250.00 check but I've not been back to Detroit since. 

Somebody took my computer charger from my job one day when I left it upstairs on a table.

Somebody took one of my favorite mugs I left in the microwave at work. It was a mug I'd bought at the Disney Store in Times Square back in the early 2000's. 

I called the alarm company here at work one night and they put me on hold for a Loooong time. I hung up and called back and got connected instantly and wondered had the operator put me on hold for a long time because I told her I was calling from the LGBT center?

I have been having trouble unlocking my door for awhile now and am convinced its because someone tried to get into my apartment. Or maybe they succeeded and that might be why my neighbors are always watching me come and go and constantly checking on their apartment at all times during the night. Maybe they saw something???

Kanye why did you wear that shirt? I mean come on man. I love you but what's your agenda? What are you thinking? How do you REALLY feel about race relations? And finally...are you OKAY?

Two guys tried to rob me in NY when I was a we lad and the police promptly arrived. The cops put me in the car and we drove a few blocks before they caught up to the guys.

When did rapping become such a dangerous profession? Oh I forgot working in the music profession has been a dangerous profession for Black folks for awhile now. Why is that though? Can somebody explain that to me? All that money and power but ya'll don't really know how to use it plus where are our leaders to show us the way? Bought and sold? Or they don't give a damn. We need us some more Malcolm X's and Martin Luther Kings up in this bitch.

A man took a swing at me one night while trying to force his way into the other building I used to work in for the center. He hit me in the chest and my foot shot out instinctively to kick him down the front steps of the door. 

One nasty trashy resident told me one night when I held the door open that they didn't have to say thank you to me for "doing my job" So holding the door open for someone is my job? Since when? 

Alot of black and brown folks are behind bars. Alot of us have bad dealings with cops and folks get all riled up. They wanna "defund the police" but if theres no cops whos' gonna protect the citizens? Why don't we as a community more actively police our own neighborhoods? When you do or say nothing its almost like saying "its okay the way things are" but its clearly not if we can't even walk to the store in safety in our own neighborhoods. Theres always money for wars and to send to other countries. Theres always money for your gazillion dollar bank accounts while your fellow human beings are starving or need medicine or whatever else but you can't be bothered right because its not your problem right? I know some animals are scary and nature makes some folks uncomfortable but these things are important and this is something we need to think more about. Stop turning a blind eye because guess what? We all have an obligation to walk the walk. Be about that life. 

I remember being scared to go to school. I hated going there and I skipped classes ALOT. I was...am different and was made to suffer because of it. As mean and crazy as some of these folks in my communities are to me (and some are downright horrible) I can't let myself forget so much of the time hurt people hurt people. They do. We do. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 73

 Soundtrack for this entry...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuPLfRSkKo0

So after some setbacks, I am set to start filming on my first real big budget version of Nerds With Badges next week. I imagine I'll do some movie reviews and talk about some Marvel/DC stuff and discuss things going on in the gaming world. Of course ima talk about my new Steam Deck console (which is really a gaming PC shrunk down into a portable console form factor) Had to sign some paperwork for my camera folks and booked the location a few days ago. Only just the other day I found my camera crew via Craigslist. The owner is newly relocated here from ATL with his own studio and everything. When we talked on the phone and vibed is was refreshing connecting with a fellow nerd. Blerd I mean. I would much rather after all work with someone on the same page as me. He has passion for comics,games and anime plus we share the same opinions on wanting to see more black folks involved in comics, videogame production as well as big budget action movies and less with the slavery movies (although it is nice seeing all those hot brothas in these types of films and prison/gangsta flicks. Yeah I said THAT) Not gonna lie....its pricey but its high time I started putting my money where my mouth is in regards to my film projects. Its just that you tend to get a better reception when you put out a high-quality project. In other words folks tend to take you more seriously when they see clearly that you aint playin when you put out that shit that pops.  This would be a good platform to promote my other projects as well. My co-host is an acto who has worked with me before. Dude has done security also. I have my "Nerds With Badges" t-shirts too so we'll definitely be wearing them on the day of the shoot. 

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 72

 Brain bruises, bad luck and bullies...

Its been a strange two weeks for me. I had these sores in my mouth that took forever to go away. I think yesterday was the first real day I could eat without feeling like I was eating glass. Not sure what triggered it. Stress. An allergic reaction to something. I am pretty careful now about drinking water at my job from the dispenser machines by popping it in the microwave for 30 sec even if its already hot. The fact someone somehow got ahold of my debit card number and racked up some charges caused me grief since last week and I just got a replacement card yesterday. Then on top of that I still haven't gotten my Steam Deck console because the Fed Ex driver couldn't get in my building. I missed him three days in a row because somehoe he has a different phone number on file for me than the actual Fed Ex HQs who texted me to let me know I missed my order. The package is being held at some Fed Ex way out in Bell which is at least an hour and a half by public trans from where I live. I used to live in Bell way back when I was at the shelter over there so I know how inconvenient that journey is. Also Google canceled Stadia which was a game streaming platform I was supporting. But at least they are gonna refund everyone. I guess in a few weeks (or months) several hundred dollars will just pop up in my bank account. Meanwhile hurricanes are happening in Florida and I have been trying to get in touch with my family over there. On a side note the authorities seem to have caught those responsible for killing that rapper in Roscoes last week. It still blows my mind how easy it is for people to kill each other over basically anything these days. We are all out here struggling to make ends meet and to pay our bills then we gotta worry about fools running around ready to try and make us prey. I guess that is why so many folks walk around looking mad all the time. Gotta keep up that tough facade.I think I walk around looking some kind of way but its because I have so much going on in my head. 

Sometimes people make me feel some kind of way and I have to be careful. Like tonight while doing patrol I was having trouble with the elevator in the courtyard and I heard the sound of laughter behind me as a couple of youth seemed to have found amusement in my predicament. That pretty much sent me spiraling into a funk that only lifted when I watched a funny video on Instagram that Viola Davis posted. They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Say you're tired. Stressed. Sleep deprived and maybe dealing with an ailment or bad situation and something happens that might otherwise bounce off your skin but in that one weak moment your mind snaps into a dark place. It hasn't escaped me that when I have clear focus I am usually able to roll with the punches. Earlier tonight I was triggered by that laughter. It put me in the same funk of being back in school as a kid being picked on and laughed at even though I can't say I am completely certain those people in the courtyard were actually laughing at me. I guess it has happened so much that my mind automatically goes there. Like a LYFT driver said to me the other night regarding how sometimes the LGBTQ community can go too far with things or cancel culture yet its because of having endured so much bullshit we can often be too paranoid or even unforgiving enough to turn against someone who said or did something we don't like nevermind the fact they have done so much for our community up till that one goof up. Yes this does regard people like JK Rowling and maybe even Whoopi Goldberg and Kevin Hart to name a few who paid the price for one little "slip up". 

Theres a cute new security guard here. Well he works for another company that helps us out because they are contracted. Some worry they are eventually replacing us but anyways I find myself looking at hot guys and then reminding myself that I am out of the game. It feels almost weird or beneath me sometimes thinking about wanting to be with someone. Even sexually it feels like something I can't really see myself doing anymore. Masturbation is just too damn tiresome and even though it can be spiritually cleansing...well like Barry White said "Too much of a good thing isn't good for anybody" But sex is something that feels like it was something that happened to me a lifetime ago. I think about it and it feels nasty. Am I good at it? I don't really think of myself as sexy. I don't even know what that feels like. Maybe I never did experience that sensation. What does it feel like to look at Sergio and think of him as sexy? Then when I look at some of these hot guys with their perfect bodies these a feeling of intimidation and I have to remind myself that they are flawed just as I am and some of them are children with mens bodies. I give folks too much power over me which means they can take it away. I am giving total strangers control over my life when I punish myself for now living up to their standards! I realize when I am around other folks so much of the time I feel myself feeling out of character. Like my behavior changes. I remember someone telling me years ago they quit a job because of how goofy their co-workers made them feel. You gotta be careful or you could end up letting people mold you into something. How many monsters in society...murderers or stone-cold psychos could have been so much more in life if their environment or garbage minded individuals hadn't played a factor in that mental development? It is true the little girl sits in the corner and learns to play by herself because the others don't understand her. But without a proper social interaction she could become a wild animal. Sometimes I think other people might look at me and see something like that yet I understand they are blinded by their own lack of compassion and the irony is I cannot hold their limited development/intelligence against them. If I do that then I am allowing myself to be infected with their madness/negative energy and it means I have learned nothing from my own humility. I guess thats why the gods gave us artist types outlets. Our super powers. Find a way to get that shit out of your system you MUST or DESTROY YOU IT WILL! (In my frantic Yoda voice)