Late night donut dilemna.
Was watching the news when me get the munchies real bad. Grabbed my 3DS (because I figured there would be some waiting) and went out to get some donuts from California donuts. As usual there was a long assed line. This place was never this popular. Something to do with a recent instagram I heard. The reason for the popularity surge I mean. So anyway I decided to hell with this and I walked over to the Vons supermarket. Ended up spending $43.00 on groceries. Mostly junk food but it was totally worth it. Got two bags of those kettle brand potato chips (because a nigga trying to be healthy you know). Flavors? Roasted garlic and the salt with fresh ground pepper kind. (Just how does one ground pepper?) Also got some soap because we are just about out. Dial was on sale 2.49 so I got two three packs. Gold antibacterial and Spring water. Got some white bread. Honey peanut butter from skippy. Grape jelly from smuckers. Refreshe drinking water. Four little boxes of the 99 cent folgers instant coffee single serve packets. Theres 7 per pack and I save alot of moolah by doing that instead of always going to coffee shops. Got some lite butter microwave popcorn by the snack artist. A little container of fresh cut pineapple. Some of those Simply natural fruit juices at two for five. Simply lemonade with cranberry and the mixed berry kind. Got a freshly baked raspberry cake and an entenmanns 8 variety pack of donut thingies. A tall REALLY HOT light skinned brotha actually saved me from going out the wrong exit when I was on my way out of the store. There went my 40 bucks and on my way back home I noticed some of the same people still standing there in that donut shop line as I walked past to go to my apt building. Now I am home watching Nightcrawler on netflix and drinking coffee. Those people are probably still out there in that line. Yeah the donuts are the bomb (who still says that right?) but I'm not doing the 30 min wait thing again. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
(Background music: Mothra.Godzilla.Jurassic Wrld. Imitation Game soundtracks.)
Tried to understand what this is
but there ain't no answer man.
Relationship?
Open union?
What to call you?
A person who entered my life
fell into my existence
not a coincidence
that the lust gave way
gave way to way more.
Two people over time
developing some kinda
freaky understanding
of each other.
Sometimes I swear I have
no idea of who you are
yet
it always seems to come back to this
this thing that we have
that I cannot put into words.
You know me man.
Have seen me at my best and worst.
We both know you don't have to stay
but you choose not to leave.
So often I wish the rest of the world
could see me the way you.
A flawed creature
but still a worthwhile creature.
One with a good heart
not someone to be abused or shunned
or sabotaged.
A being capable of being a steadfast friend.
Someone who is even sexy (sometimes?)
even if he's a nerd who might not have
all these material things or the perfect body.
You still see
some kind of a warrior
using what he has
doing his best
against all odds
to survive.
Even though at times you make me crazy
You are the god sent light in my darkness.
*
Went to the movies the other day to see those dinosaurs and it was a great film but even that became an adventure. Some fool tried to get into my bank account and it cost me. Cost me about ten minutes of the movie. Yes it did. Cost me ALOT of time on the damn phone with customer service. They say the money is back in my account. They said it before but that wasn't the case. Do I have some sort of a target on my back? Then just the other day some more cops beat up some more black folks. What the hell is going on? The same shit happened yesterday I think. Last week a black woman was outed as being white by her family. World keeps getting crazier I swear. But is it so wrong for a white woman to identify with or wanna be black? There sure are a bunch of black folks who wish they were white. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were white. Would I feel so isolated and alone with the geekiness? Would I feel so much of a need to be wary around other black people who might not be kind to me because I'm black too? I don't know. Guess I never will. All of my experiences have made me into the person I am. Sometimes I wonder if my life woulda been easier if I were a female but I'm no Bruce Jenner. Or Caitlin. Much respect to her. Super man athelete. Super mom super model. Thats some resume!
We had some small quakes over here. Tremors really I guess. Keep thinking about moving you know? Something just keeps feeling....I dunno could be the call of the wild or some kinda sixth sense telling me to leave Cali. Mostly I know its time to get out of my apartment after all these years. So much time spent dealing with crazy neighbors has definitely taken a toll on my health mentally and physically and I could really use a break. Then the other night I got into it with a crazy co-worker who was mad because (and I kid you not) because I was a minute late. One of the reasons I work nights is to avoid nutty people and stressful situations but sometimes you just can't hide from the crazy. It will seek you out. Folks have so much stuff going on in their lives that sometimes to feel some measure of control they lash out at anyone they think is a safe target. Just spreadin that negative energy around. She actually took me off her facebook friends list. What does that actually mean? Sometimes I have to wonder what would people do to an actual enemy or threat if its so easy to just cut someone off so quickly.
The Detroit trip is still up in the air. Its gonna happen. But right now it looks like it won't be until July or even August before I can make it out there. Probably for the best. I can save up alot more money and make sure the shit is done right you know? Theres really nothing wrong with taking my time putting these episodes out. Jakezilla taught me that. He took forever and a day to edit the recent episode of SinsofLegend which came out wonderfully with the minor exception of "someone who shall remain nameless and their non acting". Heh heh heh. The budget per episode has ballooned up to about $700+ per episode. Yes now you know why I'm so broke so much of the time. I don't mind the expense though because for me its an investment that I know will pay off oneday. Hopefully sooner than later. Since the black and gay communities have mostly proven they aren't really interested in helping me produce stuff I have to pace how these episodes come out so I won't be eating top ramen noodles. Thats craziness and totally unhealthy in the long run. Done it before but just don't wanna put myself through that anymore. Seriously. Gotta cut loose some of these flakey mofos too and do some recasting. Already plans have been set in motion to retitle all of my webseries. So in effect this is that "soft reboot" I've been talking about. The plan is to start this big storyline that will lead to a full length project next year. The goal for next year is to take my stuff to as many comic conventions or film festivals as I can. So 2016 is gonna be an interesting year. It will also be the year I move somewhere. The date has been set in my mind. Sorta. Sometime in Feb after my taxes are done I gotta move out of that apartment for my peace of mind. Speaking of conventions E3 was this week. Thats the big videogame convention that happens once a year. Videogames have always been one of my passions so of course making one one day is something in the works. Its a money thing as far as why I've not put out one yet. Been working on concepts though for awhile so its gonna happen eventually. What I think is that in time Sergio will start learning some computer programming skills and produce his own games that way he won't have to pay anyone else to do it. He's gonna get in the gym too soon probably. DragonManx is getting to be more and more of a physical series so theres no getting around combat training and some kind of conditioning. One of my actors might be able to help me. We'll see. Wish I had more time to play videogames honsetly. I've such a huge backlog of them. Mostly I can get in an hour a day. I try to play more on my off days. As of right now I am taking the rest of the year off of buying any mostly because they have gotten so damn expensive and I have so many built up over the years that I need to finish! Really wish Microsoft would fix Skype since its the main reason I bought an Xbox1. Its so damn buggy and only works like half the time. Nintendo still pisses me off because they refuse to support or even acknowledge their machine has a voice chat function. Meanwhile Sony is slow in putting in PS4 features the PS3 has had since like day one. They JUST added the ability to play MP3 files from USB devices. Still can't use external harddrives though. Microsoft unveiled backwards compatibility the other day which is something I didn't really expect. Hopefully we will start to see more diversity in videogames because its still pretty vanilla out here. It would be really cool if more people of color got into game development. Vin Diesel has a company but he hasn't put out anything new in a good while. Recently Shaq was working on a reboot of a game he did in the 90's but just like the DMX game and a Snoop Dog game that was in production things have gone black. No pun intended. Anyway it might be a good time for me to test my videogame tournament idea. Probably need to find someone to help me put everything together. Since the crowd funding stuff didn't work for me this could be another more effective fundraiser for projects. It shouldn't be too hard to get people together in a controlled environment to play games even if theres a small charge for admission....
A couple of guys have expressed interest in getting to know me better. One lives in NY. One in Texas. We've spoken by phone and skype. There was a cool guy I met off Adam 4 Adam but he dumped me. Hey it happens. I think he just didn't really like the idea of sharing but the truth is I really liked him and was seriously considering you know possibly going into something serious with him. Partly I wonder if one of his friends gave him some advice or something because he just suddenly changed. I did really like dude. It makes me sad because things were not going so great for me and the current situation. He actually had a chance and the thing is he'll never likely know that I was actually ready to try and love him. Maybe by the time I realized that it was just simply too much too little too late like they say in that song. At this point dating sites don't work or haven't worked too well. Lots of fake profiles and just general all around nastiness. Simpler to just focus on what is in front of me. Even if it works long hours,lives in the gym and church and has some issues with intimacy due to some childhood shit/life trauma shit. Dude might actually never really be relationship material even if at times he seems to wanna try and consider "something" even though he's being pulled in so many directions with life obligations. Maybe oneday when I'm rich and famous all those other areas of my life that seem so mysterious will make sense or even out. Honestly (and it pains me to say this cliche'd mess) Sergio has other priorities right now. Not sure if theres any energy left to put into pursuing love connections. Wish I had the answer. So much that needs working on.
Tried to understand what this is
but there ain't no answer man.
Relationship?
Open union?
What to call you?
A person who entered my life
fell into my existence
not a coincidence
that the lust gave way
gave way to way more.
Two people over time
developing some kinda
freaky understanding
of each other.
Sometimes I swear I have
no idea of who you are
yet
it always seems to come back to this
this thing that we have
that I cannot put into words.
You know me man.
Have seen me at my best and worst.
We both know you don't have to stay
but you choose not to leave.
So often I wish the rest of the world
could see me the way you.
A flawed creature
but still a worthwhile creature.
One with a good heart
not someone to be abused or shunned
or sabotaged.
A being capable of being a steadfast friend.
Someone who is even sexy (sometimes?)
even if he's a nerd who might not have
all these material things or the perfect body.
You still see
some kind of a warrior
using what he has
doing his best
against all odds
to survive.
Even though at times you make me crazy
You are the god sent light in my darkness.
*
Went to the movies the other day to see those dinosaurs and it was a great film but even that became an adventure. Some fool tried to get into my bank account and it cost me. Cost me about ten minutes of the movie. Yes it did. Cost me ALOT of time on the damn phone with customer service. They say the money is back in my account. They said it before but that wasn't the case. Do I have some sort of a target on my back? Then just the other day some more cops beat up some more black folks. What the hell is going on? The same shit happened yesterday I think. Last week a black woman was outed as being white by her family. World keeps getting crazier I swear. But is it so wrong for a white woman to identify with or wanna be black? There sure are a bunch of black folks who wish they were white. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were white. Would I feel so isolated and alone with the geekiness? Would I feel so much of a need to be wary around other black people who might not be kind to me because I'm black too? I don't know. Guess I never will. All of my experiences have made me into the person I am. Sometimes I wonder if my life woulda been easier if I were a female but I'm no Bruce Jenner. Or Caitlin. Much respect to her. Super man athelete. Super mom super model. Thats some resume!
We had some small quakes over here. Tremors really I guess. Keep thinking about moving you know? Something just keeps feeling....I dunno could be the call of the wild or some kinda sixth sense telling me to leave Cali. Mostly I know its time to get out of my apartment after all these years. So much time spent dealing with crazy neighbors has definitely taken a toll on my health mentally and physically and I could really use a break. Then the other night I got into it with a crazy co-worker who was mad because (and I kid you not) because I was a minute late. One of the reasons I work nights is to avoid nutty people and stressful situations but sometimes you just can't hide from the crazy. It will seek you out. Folks have so much stuff going on in their lives that sometimes to feel some measure of control they lash out at anyone they think is a safe target. Just spreadin that negative energy around. She actually took me off her facebook friends list. What does that actually mean? Sometimes I have to wonder what would people do to an actual enemy or threat if its so easy to just cut someone off so quickly.
The Detroit trip is still up in the air. Its gonna happen. But right now it looks like it won't be until July or even August before I can make it out there. Probably for the best. I can save up alot more money and make sure the shit is done right you know? Theres really nothing wrong with taking my time putting these episodes out. Jakezilla taught me that. He took forever and a day to edit the recent episode of SinsofLegend which came out wonderfully with the minor exception of "someone who shall remain nameless and their non acting". Heh heh heh. The budget per episode has ballooned up to about $700+ per episode. Yes now you know why I'm so broke so much of the time. I don't mind the expense though because for me its an investment that I know will pay off oneday. Hopefully sooner than later. Since the black and gay communities have mostly proven they aren't really interested in helping me produce stuff I have to pace how these episodes come out so I won't be eating top ramen noodles. Thats craziness and totally unhealthy in the long run. Done it before but just don't wanna put myself through that anymore. Seriously. Gotta cut loose some of these flakey mofos too and do some recasting. Already plans have been set in motion to retitle all of my webseries. So in effect this is that "soft reboot" I've been talking about. The plan is to start this big storyline that will lead to a full length project next year. The goal for next year is to take my stuff to as many comic conventions or film festivals as I can. So 2016 is gonna be an interesting year. It will also be the year I move somewhere. The date has been set in my mind. Sorta. Sometime in Feb after my taxes are done I gotta move out of that apartment for my peace of mind. Speaking of conventions E3 was this week. Thats the big videogame convention that happens once a year. Videogames have always been one of my passions so of course making one one day is something in the works. Its a money thing as far as why I've not put out one yet. Been working on concepts though for awhile so its gonna happen eventually. What I think is that in time Sergio will start learning some computer programming skills and produce his own games that way he won't have to pay anyone else to do it. He's gonna get in the gym too soon probably. DragonManx is getting to be more and more of a physical series so theres no getting around combat training and some kind of conditioning. One of my actors might be able to help me. We'll see. Wish I had more time to play videogames honsetly. I've such a huge backlog of them. Mostly I can get in an hour a day. I try to play more on my off days. As of right now I am taking the rest of the year off of buying any mostly because they have gotten so damn expensive and I have so many built up over the years that I need to finish! Really wish Microsoft would fix Skype since its the main reason I bought an Xbox1. Its so damn buggy and only works like half the time. Nintendo still pisses me off because they refuse to support or even acknowledge their machine has a voice chat function. Meanwhile Sony is slow in putting in PS4 features the PS3 has had since like day one. They JUST added the ability to play MP3 files from USB devices. Still can't use external harddrives though. Microsoft unveiled backwards compatibility the other day which is something I didn't really expect. Hopefully we will start to see more diversity in videogames because its still pretty vanilla out here. It would be really cool if more people of color got into game development. Vin Diesel has a company but he hasn't put out anything new in a good while. Recently Shaq was working on a reboot of a game he did in the 90's but just like the DMX game and a Snoop Dog game that was in production things have gone black. No pun intended. Anyway it might be a good time for me to test my videogame tournament idea. Probably need to find someone to help me put everything together. Since the crowd funding stuff didn't work for me this could be another more effective fundraiser for projects. It shouldn't be too hard to get people together in a controlled environment to play games even if theres a small charge for admission....
A couple of guys have expressed interest in getting to know me better. One lives in NY. One in Texas. We've spoken by phone and skype. There was a cool guy I met off Adam 4 Adam but he dumped me. Hey it happens. I think he just didn't really like the idea of sharing but the truth is I really liked him and was seriously considering you know possibly going into something serious with him. Partly I wonder if one of his friends gave him some advice or something because he just suddenly changed. I did really like dude. It makes me sad because things were not going so great for me and the current situation. He actually had a chance and the thing is he'll never likely know that I was actually ready to try and love him. Maybe by the time I realized that it was just simply too much too little too late like they say in that song. At this point dating sites don't work or haven't worked too well. Lots of fake profiles and just general all around nastiness. Simpler to just focus on what is in front of me. Even if it works long hours,lives in the gym and church and has some issues with intimacy due to some childhood shit/life trauma shit. Dude might actually never really be relationship material even if at times he seems to wanna try and consider "something" even though he's being pulled in so many directions with life obligations. Maybe oneday when I'm rich and famous all those other areas of my life that seem so mysterious will make sense or even out. Honestly (and it pains me to say this cliche'd mess) Sergio has other priorities right now. Not sure if theres any energy left to put into pursuing love connections. Wish I had the answer. So much that needs working on.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
(Background music by A Tribe Called Quest via Youtube and
Spotify)
*
RANTING AND RAVING? (I guess)
I couldn’t do it anymore man.
I don’t trust you anymore man.
My feelings my emotions
I think they all shut down
I shut them down
My nerves are shot.
Trying to heal myself
But it might be too late.
Body and mind breaking down
And you
The one I depended on
Did nothing to help me.
I’m not just here to fulfil your sexual needs.
I put all my energy into talking to you
Now I gotta remember how to talk to other people.
They look at me on the street
Don’t know if it’s the hello or fuck you look.
Not sure whether to cross the street
Or hug a brother
Because a brother be looking like
He wanna kick my ass just for being alive
Here in this city.
Is it like this all over?
Nowhere to escape the hateful glare of
The brother
Who don’t trust me
Because he been done wrong by
Another brother.
Taught to hate himself by religion
And society.
So of course he’s gonna hate on me.
It’s a vicious cycle on repeat.
I wanna thank you for your contribution.
Today was another one of those days I barely got any sleep.
Because he was there. Most of the day.
I can barely relax around him these days. His touch
sometimes irritates even though I find myself wanting to touch him. I try to
stay away you know? I think of going to sleep in some hotel somewhere by myself
just so I can get some peace and quiet. It is true what they say….”No matter
how good looking he/she is somebody somewhere is TIRED of their shit” All that
glitters ain’t gold. That beautiful dark skin. All those muscles and that
charming smile it don’t mean a damn thing if that’s all you have to bring to
the table. Who are you? I Who is this man? I ask myself so often. He probably
doesn’t think I’ll leave but “we” are on borrowed time. Truth is there is no “we”.
Not sure there ever was. Real talk.
No kisses.
No hugs.
No massages.
No valentines day cards
And no happy holidays (like Mary J said).
Yeah it would be nice to have a friend
A partner to do things with
But the truth is
I have actually been alone
Even when I was with others
So I’m certainly no stranger to being
By myself.
I know it sounds like I’m sad and having a pity party but
the truth is I am trying to process all these things. Trying to process all
these emotions. I want to understand why technology has made dating so weird
and why there are so many damn bottoms running around and why women give me so
much more attention than guys. I mean it would be so easy if I were into women
yet any inclination is like a quickly passing wave followed by visions of me
losing my lunch. No I’ve never gone THERE before if you’re asking. I dream
about muscles and masculine pheremonal emissions not breasts and vjay jays!
I dream about me being on a quiet beach somewhere with my
mind so far removed from all my problems. Thing is that beach seems to be in
another country. Call of the wild???
*
I think I’m gonna skip ahead 3 years in all the SonsofLegend
related webseries in order to “erase” all the continuity issues with the
stories. Feels like a cop out but it is a quick and easy fix. I have some
ideas. Plus all the back story crap is something I could address in flashbacks
or even have illustrated as comic books. Or animation? Meanwhile editing
continues on a couple of episodes. The editor says they will be done Friday but
I’m not so sure I believe him. He’s doing an episode of DragonManx and an
episode of Sins of Legend. This stuff was shot months ago. I have not put out a
new SOL related project since last December and its driving me crazy having to
wait so long. The really rough cut I saw looks okay but I am worried the
quality might not be quite what it should be you know?
Theres this composer who lives in Europe and he’s gonna be
scoring DragonManx for me. He’s a young
guy who’s giving me a good rate for his music. I discovered him on Youtube
weeks ago. We skyped yesterday via Xbox One (Skype is so iffy at times on that
thing) I’m really excited because the excellent music will elevate the quality
of DragonManx. As for the trip to Detroit I gotta make sure the money is right
before I go out there. Right now the trip is scheduled for the end of June.
Theres a nice guy out there who’s gonna let me stay with him. Says we can even
drive out to Canada. Now that would be awesome if I could get some footage shot
OVER THERE! As far as cast and crew goes I have my actors and camera guy. Even
managed to recruit a local rapper who will probably contribute some tracks. He
found some locations for me too. Detroit isn’t weird about letting people film
on the streets like they are here in Cali but I’m really looking for some old
deserted types of interiors. Nothing too dangerous you know? But Detroit has
some cool structures. It looks like a city Batman would live in so it makes
sense that its functioning as Gotham in the next Superman movie where he fights
Batman. (Damn that Ben Affleck is so hot)
We had some rehearsals last month for Sins of Legend and
SonsofLegend at my job. I rented a room out for three hours. It was the most
expensive rehearsal I have ever done. Cost me $325.00. $75.00 for the room and
I paid the actors $30.00 a piece. $50.00 to the DP and Director. No a brotha
ain’t rich so don’t get it twisted. Just had to accept if you want people to
show up its better to pay them something you know? And honestly we may need
ANOTHER rehearsal as it was so rushed plus one actor missed it. I think we may
need to rehearse 3 hours one day for one episode and another 3 hours on another
day for the other episode just to make sure the stunt coordinator has enough
time to get everything down. The constant rescheduling is getting on my nerves
but I think the actors don’t mind it because of rehearsals and the fact they
are getting paid. Yes a lot of you out there might not think you need to pay
talent but if a person is getting in a car or bus to come across town to be in
your shit you should at least cover their gas fare you know? Gotta get some
costumes and probably a permanent make-up person. An on set photo person would
be nice but possibly over reaching. There is so much work that goes into a
series and I have so much respect for tv shows (especially the old ones) who
are/were able to do it weekly on the budgets they have. Speaking of budgets I’m
planning a videogame function soon to help me raise funds. Gonna need to invest
in another PS4 controller though. One solution at a time….
Monday, May 18, 2015
Was at work listening to Stevie Wonder tonight when the
emotions hit me. It feels so good to
feel anything you know? And the tears started falling. It was that one song “One day at Christmas”
When Stevie said “Maybe not in time for you and me” I started thinking about my
Grandmothers and all those who have gone on to glory. I thought about all the
cruelty of this world and how so many have died needlessly from violence and I
also thought about how lucky (hopefully) future generations won’t have to suffer
like we have because of mankinds immaturity during this age.
Sometimes the emotions bottled up build up within me and it
becomes so much. Sometimes the pain is so great inside that I can’t sleep.
Sometimes I wake up gasping. Thrashing. Heart pounding. I am
so damn traumatized from all the evil shit people have put in me by things they
have done to me.
Traumatized from this life. But Marvin said this ain’t
living.
This is a constant struggle and people wanna clown me if I
dare to laugh you know?
Its not even funny. People trying to kill me. Trying to
steal from me spiritually or financially. All the while the world seems to keep
trying to swallow us all up. Earthquakes,terrorist cells and erratic dangerous weather patterns. Police trying to get
me because I look suspicious and I can barely pay my bills man. Is it all in my mind that the enemy often seems to look JUST LIKE ME. And my mama always told me to beware of my own because they will do the most damage.
What a mess.
Go to work every night.
Come home.
Laying down next to a man who won’t touch me.
Like I am diseased. Undesireable.
I think I’m getting too used to this so I try to break away
from him.
How much longer can we live together? Should I keep doing
this to myself?
It feels so good to touch his skin but he’s to have and NOT
to hold. He might love me yet he’s never
been in love with me. I wish I could remember what it was like to have such a
thing.
All these who might like me live so so far away.
or they are too old.
or I'm "not the right type".
The constant rejection forces me to retreat into myself every now and then.
Yeah I know its best not to dwell on such things and mostly I keep it at bay
Then there are days like this. Nights when the city seems so big. So huge.
Its like being in a desert all alone searching. Surviving somehow invisible to the other animals even though I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
All these who might like me live so so far away.
or they are too old.
or I'm "not the right type".
The constant rejection forces me to retreat into myself every now and then.
Yeah I know its best not to dwell on such things and mostly I keep it at bay
Then there are days like this. Nights when the city seems so big. So huge.
Its like being in a desert all alone searching. Surviving somehow invisible to the other animals even though I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
The videogames and comics,movies and music help keep me
going. Still recovering from that big betrayal. Months of work/footage gone. Over a
thousand dollars gone and nothing I could do about it. He fucked me over REAL
good and made off like a bandit with a big part of my trust. Made me hate him
so much that in my minds eye I saw me with the gun pulling the trigger. And if
I saw him with that gun in my hand he might would be a dead nigger. So he better stay far
away. Gonna take me some years to get over this but best believe I will.
Life keeps going on even when I think about leaving. On FB I tried to convince a young girl to keep going yesterday. She was down because of some guy. Some guy who will still be here living his life even if she decides to check out of here. Some of us really don't have an outlet and the mental ills make leaving seem so enticing. Real
talk but I can’t leave because I have so much work to do. This foolish dream of
mine you know? I chase it and the wind catches me. Thought I found someone cool
to hold yet it was fleeting. Thank you A4A for reminding me some of us just don’t
get the guy in the end. But I’d rather be rich anyway. Rich in spirit,mind and
soul. And yes I want the fabulous bank account as well. Its coming. Its coming. I’ll take over the
world and die fighting evil. My way.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
(Soundtrack: City Nights Vol 6. Thank you Youtube)
Sometimes its hard to believe I am actually 45 years old. People say when you're this old you're supposed to be finacially secure,living in a big house and certainly driving a car. But I don't drive a car. Maybe I will next year because its something I think about more lately. Maybe when I actually can save some money I'll buy a nice house but these little films and projects of mine aren't gonna fund themselves and since I don't have a sugar daddy I gotta do what I gotta do. That means going to work every night to make this money so I guess I am taking care of business. I have an apartment aand have had it for many years now. Plus I seem to be capable of holding down a job for awhile yet does that mean I am stable? I mean in the eyes of some its not enough I realize. I realize my body could be better and it frustrates me sometimes this feeling inadequate you know? Yeah I have issues. Still life goes on and I can take comfort knowing in my time here I've at least left behind some kind of a legacy. These writings. The short films. The cartoon stuff. Even all those photos. Why is it so important to leave something behind? To maybe bring some light into this world even though it has tried to kill me so many times. Its crazy and life is crazy. They say none of us get out of it alive you know. But its also been said no one really dies. Even more so when folks remember you. Will people remember you when you're gone? Will they? A fair question.
About an hour ago there was this sound here in the building. Sounded like someone else was in here with me and the ghosts. Maybe it was a ghost? Went to investigate and saw nothing. Its something that things which would probably freak out most don't really get to me. The truth is sometimes I feel numb and it bothers me. Then there are those moments where the emotions flow. Literally flow. Nothing like a good cry right? Didn't cry when I heard about the plane crash yesterday in Germany that took the lives of 150 people but I did say "Oh my GOD" because it just seemed so insane and painful to realize some people lost so many loved ones. In just an instant....cousins,uncles,mothers and siblings were simply taken from each other and....and that just hurts because I know what its like to lose someone and wonder if and when you will ever see them again. I think that we will all be reunited oneday. I have to believe that you know?
One of the things that has really been bothering me for awhile is this terrorist shit. Isis this and Al Qaeda that. Is it me or does it seem like alot of middle eastern people sure are killing the hell out of each other and trying to kill everyone else? Its not just Middle Eastern folks of course. African people are killing each other too. Russians too. People have been killing each other for a long time. Killing over land. Over race. Over sexual preference. Over religion. Money. Cars. Sometimes some people just kill each other for the hell of it and it just makes no sense to me. We can't even take the planes now without thinking some nutjob with an agenda might show up to try and blow us all up. People are beheading each other on tv like its the thing to do. They really seem convinced some diety out there wants them to do these things. How the hell can you just take a blade and end the life of someone like that when they have done absolutely NOTHING to you? I don't understand. Maybe its not meant for me to. Maybe its not meant for me to understand the insanity or demonic influences that drive some to torment others. There are so many things about human beings which make no sense to me. So much of the time I don't even feel human because I don't understand so much that humans do to each other. Call me crazy or whatever but humanity has the power to end starvation and poverty on this planet. Humanity can clean up the environment and abolish war but why won't it? Thats what I call crazy? I ain't done a damn thang to nobody but the police often go out their way to profile me so much to the point where I now expect it when I see them. Driving slow in the cars to look at me. Following me down into the subway. Yeah stuff like that happens ALOT and it makes me fucking paranoid about leaving the house. Just who the hell am I supposed to look like anyway? Yeah I listen to rap music and love hip hop but I ain't no thug. Don't even think I fit into that world and would likely be rejected by many who embrace that life yet I keep getting lumped into that world. Dunno....maybe I am a closeted thug and need to date me a thug. A REAL thug. Not a wannabe. Nah....probably couldn't deal with all that testosterone. Those mood swings. That mean assed glare like "What the fuck you lookin at NIGGA???" Which I get ALL THE FUCKING TIME from so many other black men. Don't know if its the "How are you doing" or "I wanna kick your gottdamn ass" look so nig like me just keeps it moving attempting to avoid that eye contact. Long as I can remember I have had this problem with other black men. Its weird. Don't really understand it. Just don't. Maybe won't ever and it just is one of those things Ima have to learn to live with. My brother hates me. Hates me for my light skin. Hates me for my brain. Hates me for my out there dreams. He hates me because nig like me shouldn't even be out here surviving. But guess what? I am.
Its something to be able to look at the world as how it is and to see it as how it can be. Maybe thats what is the power of my madness. The artist. That thing Lady Gaga says she doesn't wanna fix by getting therapy. Gotta live your whole life being crazy always chasing this mission along with some semblance of peacefulness. But the peacefulness is probably more in the art of it all than anything else. Its that GOD talking to you thing. That voice has always been there but many are deaf to it. When you ignore that voice inside that tells you to create something useful it seems to turn against you. This is something alot of people will never understand. Just the way it is. So maybe that crazy person on the street was just like me once but they fell into this version of hell on earth? Maybe hell really is different for everyone? I swear so often I walk by a crazy person and it seems that spirit within them recognizes or addresses me in some way. You can see why I don't share this with alot of folks right?
The weather here in Los Angeles has been strange lately. Hot on some days and it should actually be colder here this time of year. Meanwhile time is just flying by like a mofo. We're already at the end of March and thers so many things that I shoulda already done this year. Didn't make it to Detroit for the snow like I wanted. Still haven't moved. Other than Detector Pig I've not put out anything this year. A DragonManx episode is in post. Danielzilla is working on SonsofLegend which he's co-exec producing now. Brought in some big guns for SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend my next new webseries. A horror film project is in the works too (realistically speaking it probably won't happen till next year) but I gotta think about the visits to see my family which are planned for later this year. It all boils down to money and being much more restrained in spending. Its not like I spend extravagantely or anything. Its just downright expensive to eat healthy and to produce short films on your own dime. Living with the crazy african helps but some overtime might become a thing you know? Or maybe a brother just needs to get a second job (like the crazy african did). My new business partners think crowdfunding (which never worked out for me before) is the answer so maybe they will be able to put together some succesful campaigns. So far ALL of my stuff has become SAG/AFTRA which I'm sure will open up doors previously closed. So I guess now you can start calling me a businessman huh? Better start wearing suits then. For the record Sergio doesn't really like wearing suits. He doesn't really like working out either but it looks like he's gonna have to get used to it. One of my actors doesn't know it yet but he's about to become my personal trainer. Just hope I can afford him.
Sometimes its hard to believe I am actually 45 years old. People say when you're this old you're supposed to be finacially secure,living in a big house and certainly driving a car. But I don't drive a car. Maybe I will next year because its something I think about more lately. Maybe when I actually can save some money I'll buy a nice house but these little films and projects of mine aren't gonna fund themselves and since I don't have a sugar daddy I gotta do what I gotta do. That means going to work every night to make this money so I guess I am taking care of business. I have an apartment aand have had it for many years now. Plus I seem to be capable of holding down a job for awhile yet does that mean I am stable? I mean in the eyes of some its not enough I realize. I realize my body could be better and it frustrates me sometimes this feeling inadequate you know? Yeah I have issues. Still life goes on and I can take comfort knowing in my time here I've at least left behind some kind of a legacy. These writings. The short films. The cartoon stuff. Even all those photos. Why is it so important to leave something behind? To maybe bring some light into this world even though it has tried to kill me so many times. Its crazy and life is crazy. They say none of us get out of it alive you know. But its also been said no one really dies. Even more so when folks remember you. Will people remember you when you're gone? Will they? A fair question.
About an hour ago there was this sound here in the building. Sounded like someone else was in here with me and the ghosts. Maybe it was a ghost? Went to investigate and saw nothing. Its something that things which would probably freak out most don't really get to me. The truth is sometimes I feel numb and it bothers me. Then there are those moments where the emotions flow. Literally flow. Nothing like a good cry right? Didn't cry when I heard about the plane crash yesterday in Germany that took the lives of 150 people but I did say "Oh my GOD" because it just seemed so insane and painful to realize some people lost so many loved ones. In just an instant....cousins,uncles,mothers and siblings were simply taken from each other and....and that just hurts because I know what its like to lose someone and wonder if and when you will ever see them again. I think that we will all be reunited oneday. I have to believe that you know?
One of the things that has really been bothering me for awhile is this terrorist shit. Isis this and Al Qaeda that. Is it me or does it seem like alot of middle eastern people sure are killing the hell out of each other and trying to kill everyone else? Its not just Middle Eastern folks of course. African people are killing each other too. Russians too. People have been killing each other for a long time. Killing over land. Over race. Over sexual preference. Over religion. Money. Cars. Sometimes some people just kill each other for the hell of it and it just makes no sense to me. We can't even take the planes now without thinking some nutjob with an agenda might show up to try and blow us all up. People are beheading each other on tv like its the thing to do. They really seem convinced some diety out there wants them to do these things. How the hell can you just take a blade and end the life of someone like that when they have done absolutely NOTHING to you? I don't understand. Maybe its not meant for me to. Maybe its not meant for me to understand the insanity or demonic influences that drive some to torment others. There are so many things about human beings which make no sense to me. So much of the time I don't even feel human because I don't understand so much that humans do to each other. Call me crazy or whatever but humanity has the power to end starvation and poverty on this planet. Humanity can clean up the environment and abolish war but why won't it? Thats what I call crazy? I ain't done a damn thang to nobody but the police often go out their way to profile me so much to the point where I now expect it when I see them. Driving slow in the cars to look at me. Following me down into the subway. Yeah stuff like that happens ALOT and it makes me fucking paranoid about leaving the house. Just who the hell am I supposed to look like anyway? Yeah I listen to rap music and love hip hop but I ain't no thug. Don't even think I fit into that world and would likely be rejected by many who embrace that life yet I keep getting lumped into that world. Dunno....maybe I am a closeted thug and need to date me a thug. A REAL thug. Not a wannabe. Nah....probably couldn't deal with all that testosterone. Those mood swings. That mean assed glare like "What the fuck you lookin at NIGGA???" Which I get ALL THE FUCKING TIME from so many other black men. Don't know if its the "How are you doing" or "I wanna kick your gottdamn ass" look so nig like me just keeps it moving attempting to avoid that eye contact. Long as I can remember I have had this problem with other black men. Its weird. Don't really understand it. Just don't. Maybe won't ever and it just is one of those things Ima have to learn to live with. My brother hates me. Hates me for my light skin. Hates me for my brain. Hates me for my out there dreams. He hates me because nig like me shouldn't even be out here surviving. But guess what? I am.
Its something to be able to look at the world as how it is and to see it as how it can be. Maybe thats what is the power of my madness. The artist. That thing Lady Gaga says she doesn't wanna fix by getting therapy. Gotta live your whole life being crazy always chasing this mission along with some semblance of peacefulness. But the peacefulness is probably more in the art of it all than anything else. Its that GOD talking to you thing. That voice has always been there but many are deaf to it. When you ignore that voice inside that tells you to create something useful it seems to turn against you. This is something alot of people will never understand. Just the way it is. So maybe that crazy person on the street was just like me once but they fell into this version of hell on earth? Maybe hell really is different for everyone? I swear so often I walk by a crazy person and it seems that spirit within them recognizes or addresses me in some way. You can see why I don't share this with alot of folks right?
The weather here in Los Angeles has been strange lately. Hot on some days and it should actually be colder here this time of year. Meanwhile time is just flying by like a mofo. We're already at the end of March and thers so many things that I shoulda already done this year. Didn't make it to Detroit for the snow like I wanted. Still haven't moved. Other than Detector Pig I've not put out anything this year. A DragonManx episode is in post. Danielzilla is working on SonsofLegend which he's co-exec producing now. Brought in some big guns for SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend my next new webseries. A horror film project is in the works too (realistically speaking it probably won't happen till next year) but I gotta think about the visits to see my family which are planned for later this year. It all boils down to money and being much more restrained in spending. Its not like I spend extravagantely or anything. Its just downright expensive to eat healthy and to produce short films on your own dime. Living with the crazy african helps but some overtime might become a thing you know? Or maybe a brother just needs to get a second job (like the crazy african did). My new business partners think crowdfunding (which never worked out for me before) is the answer so maybe they will be able to put together some succesful campaigns. So far ALL of my stuff has become SAG/AFTRA which I'm sure will open up doors previously closed. So I guess now you can start calling me a businessman huh? Better start wearing suits then. For the record Sergio doesn't really like wearing suits. He doesn't really like working out either but it looks like he's gonna have to get used to it. One of my actors doesn't know it yet but he's about to become my personal trainer. Just hope I can afford him.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Filmmaking,life lessons,venting and whatnot.
Today (actually yesterday now since its after 12am) was the first time in a good while that I actually filmed something. Its all come down to timing and money for the most part even though I'm starting to understand how to cut corners to make things happen. I was able to convince the crazy african to sing in an episode and thats what was shot today. Been trying to figure out a way to work him and his talent into an episode for the longest. Dude has some talent and I really wanted to put it out there before he just abandons it you know? So in the DragonManx episode we shot the crazy african is playing a character named Ury. Ury has already been introduced in an earlier SonsofLegend episode (although he was masked initially and in later appearances we never explained who he was when he would accompany Devin on assigngments) Ury is singing and my character Goyangee (aka:DragonManx) comes over to say hello after witnessing him perform. The two talk abit and then it becomes obvious theres gonna be some kind of a romantic connection with them in the future but after Goyangee gives Ury a business card and leaves the area someone else rewinds time and appears. Time is rewound to just before they met and then Ury is killed so this is all doen to prevent Goyangee from meeting him so that he will be in a certain emotional state. The villain who kills Ury is a sorcerer named Plexis who is secretly working for a fallen angel (Damali) who is planning to take over the world but she wants to try and manipulate the guardian (Goyangee) into joining her cause. Damali is not seen in the episode but she will be heard (via voiceover) as she speaks with Plexis on the phone when he calls to tell her the deed is done after his terrible act. Damali is going to be a major problem all throughout my 4 webseries. In SonsofLegend she is making moves to eliminate Devin who is assembling a force which could threaten Damali. In SinsofLegend Damali is secretly bankrolling the team to perform certain missions for her in return for her protection when the shit hits the fan. Karter (Devins son) may or may not know who she REALLY is and I have yet to decide if he does know or if/when he ever will. Decisions decisions. Meanwhile in Daughters of Legend Damali is recruiting and experimenting on women paranormals in an attempt to create a master race which will eventually wrest control form mankind who has sqaundered the earths resources and spilled so much needless blood in the name of supposed progress. A group of women who escaped Damalis clutches team up and travel all over the world waging war on Damalis various and widespread operations. Meanwhile in DragonManx Damali is behind the scenes pulling the strings in Goyangee's life hoping to lead him to join her crusade but this will eventually lead him into all out war with her and Plexis especially when he discovers the lengths they have gone through to try and manipulate him. Eventually all the storylines will converge into a full length film as everyone goes into a truly epic battle with Damali and her army. Some friendships will be lost. There will be betrayals and deaths and when the dust clears Damali will be no more. In the end DragonManx may make the ultimate sacrifice to end Damalis's threat once and for all. Yes I have given this alot of thought.
The Detector Pig cartoon is done. Posted it on youtube last week and it didn't exactly set the world on fire. I mean people did watch it but mostly nobody cared. Well I cared. Its kinda sad if I let myself wallow in it that supposed friends and family really don't give me much support. (Is it because they don't really know me?) Yeah people follow on twitter and facebook but most of them never comment on anything I do or offer any kind of encouragement. Why? Its like people watch from a distance not really wanting to get involved. I really don't know what to make of it. Perhaps folks are simply too wrapped up in their own problems? To be fair some people have given support (People like Johnzilla,Damonzilla,Fatishazilla,Dadzilla,Antoniozilla,Lymanzilla,Davidzilla,Stanzilla,Markzilla,Mackiezilla)
but when I started my crowd funding efforts the results were meager. Sometimes I get the idea people are just waiting to see if you fail at something and if the business takes off then they might wanna jump on board or try to be your friend when things are working out and the money is pouring in. I'm not bitter? I am happy my cartoon came out after all the hard work and shit I have had to endure in my quest to make it happen when so many doubted me yet it does sting to realize as a gay man I may never get support from the gay and lesbian community. As a black man I might not ever really gain support from the black community either. It just feels like that sometimes. It feels like in hundreds of years people might look back at my work and say "Damn he really did accomplish some cool stuff but why the hell didn't people support him? Maybe he was before his time" And there are times I feel like I was born in the wrong time. People are often so cruel in this age and theres so much hate,anger and racism along with homophobia that at times it does feel overwhelming. People are literally losing their minds. You don't have to just turn the news on to see the negative effect its all having on the world as a whole. If I'd been born two hundred years from now I'd like to believe society will have matured enough to the point where things aren't so crazy you know? I do believe in what I'm doing and I love the black and gay communities but the writing is on the wall much of my support is probably not gonna come from them because they ain't ready. Most of them aren't. I hope that enough of them and the rest of the world gives me enough support that I can at least make a living doing what I love. What does Sergio love in a nutshell? He loves making art that will make the world a better place. Art that will make people smile or laugh. Maybe it'll make them get inspired to make their own art too instead of channeling that powerful energy in a destructive manner. Maybe they will think twice before they try to hurt someone who might be different from them too because of something they saw or read in something Sergio created. Sergio would really like it if he could be a part of a legacy like that.
Today (actually yesterday now since its after 12am) was the first time in a good while that I actually filmed something. Its all come down to timing and money for the most part even though I'm starting to understand how to cut corners to make things happen. I was able to convince the crazy african to sing in an episode and thats what was shot today. Been trying to figure out a way to work him and his talent into an episode for the longest. Dude has some talent and I really wanted to put it out there before he just abandons it you know? So in the DragonManx episode we shot the crazy african is playing a character named Ury. Ury has already been introduced in an earlier SonsofLegend episode (although he was masked initially and in later appearances we never explained who he was when he would accompany Devin on assigngments) Ury is singing and my character Goyangee (aka:DragonManx) comes over to say hello after witnessing him perform. The two talk abit and then it becomes obvious theres gonna be some kind of a romantic connection with them in the future but after Goyangee gives Ury a business card and leaves the area someone else rewinds time and appears. Time is rewound to just before they met and then Ury is killed so this is all doen to prevent Goyangee from meeting him so that he will be in a certain emotional state. The villain who kills Ury is a sorcerer named Plexis who is secretly working for a fallen angel (Damali) who is planning to take over the world but she wants to try and manipulate the guardian (Goyangee) into joining her cause. Damali is not seen in the episode but she will be heard (via voiceover) as she speaks with Plexis on the phone when he calls to tell her the deed is done after his terrible act. Damali is going to be a major problem all throughout my 4 webseries. In SonsofLegend she is making moves to eliminate Devin who is assembling a force which could threaten Damali. In SinsofLegend Damali is secretly bankrolling the team to perform certain missions for her in return for her protection when the shit hits the fan. Karter (Devins son) may or may not know who she REALLY is and I have yet to decide if he does know or if/when he ever will. Decisions decisions. Meanwhile in Daughters of Legend Damali is recruiting and experimenting on women paranormals in an attempt to create a master race which will eventually wrest control form mankind who has sqaundered the earths resources and spilled so much needless blood in the name of supposed progress. A group of women who escaped Damalis clutches team up and travel all over the world waging war on Damalis various and widespread operations. Meanwhile in DragonManx Damali is behind the scenes pulling the strings in Goyangee's life hoping to lead him to join her crusade but this will eventually lead him into all out war with her and Plexis especially when he discovers the lengths they have gone through to try and manipulate him. Eventually all the storylines will converge into a full length film as everyone goes into a truly epic battle with Damali and her army. Some friendships will be lost. There will be betrayals and deaths and when the dust clears Damali will be no more. In the end DragonManx may make the ultimate sacrifice to end Damalis's threat once and for all. Yes I have given this alot of thought.
The Detector Pig cartoon is done. Posted it on youtube last week and it didn't exactly set the world on fire. I mean people did watch it but mostly nobody cared. Well I cared. Its kinda sad if I let myself wallow in it that supposed friends and family really don't give me much support. (Is it because they don't really know me?) Yeah people follow on twitter and facebook but most of them never comment on anything I do or offer any kind of encouragement. Why? Its like people watch from a distance not really wanting to get involved. I really don't know what to make of it. Perhaps folks are simply too wrapped up in their own problems? To be fair some people have given support (People like Johnzilla,Damonzilla,Fatishazilla,Dadzilla,Antoniozilla,Lymanzilla,Davidzilla,Stanzilla,Markzilla,Mackiezilla)
but when I started my crowd funding efforts the results were meager. Sometimes I get the idea people are just waiting to see if you fail at something and if the business takes off then they might wanna jump on board or try to be your friend when things are working out and the money is pouring in. I'm not bitter? I am happy my cartoon came out after all the hard work and shit I have had to endure in my quest to make it happen when so many doubted me yet it does sting to realize as a gay man I may never get support from the gay and lesbian community. As a black man I might not ever really gain support from the black community either. It just feels like that sometimes. It feels like in hundreds of years people might look back at my work and say "Damn he really did accomplish some cool stuff but why the hell didn't people support him? Maybe he was before his time" And there are times I feel like I was born in the wrong time. People are often so cruel in this age and theres so much hate,anger and racism along with homophobia that at times it does feel overwhelming. People are literally losing their minds. You don't have to just turn the news on to see the negative effect its all having on the world as a whole. If I'd been born two hundred years from now I'd like to believe society will have matured enough to the point where things aren't so crazy you know? I do believe in what I'm doing and I love the black and gay communities but the writing is on the wall much of my support is probably not gonna come from them because they ain't ready. Most of them aren't. I hope that enough of them and the rest of the world gives me enough support that I can at least make a living doing what I love. What does Sergio love in a nutshell? He loves making art that will make the world a better place. Art that will make people smile or laugh. Maybe it'll make them get inspired to make their own art too instead of channeling that powerful energy in a destructive manner. Maybe they will think twice before they try to hurt someone who might be different from them too because of something they saw or read in something Sergio created. Sergio would really like it if he could be a part of a legacy like that.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Poetic like musings and things.
Sitting here with the flu
wondering....
whats up with this world man?
I just don't understand.
I'm out here like so many trying to survive the chaos
I'd be lying if I said I was unaffected.
Forces working against me
and behind the scenes someone has me in their prayers.
I'd be lying to say I don't know that.
I think I'm surrounded by ghosts
some of them are ghosts of the past
things one is aware of
things one can't let go of.
My mind always wanders back to how it used to be
my soul misses it
how it used to be.
At least we have a black president now
something I really never thought I would see.
Did he REALLY win or did "they" give him to us
to create some illusion of change?
I honestly doubt if any other prez has recieved so many death threats
it'll probably be the same when we finally get a woman prez.
I would be lying if I said....
there are no people out here
who will go kicking and screaming
before they let change occur.
Mentally ill fanatics or demonically possessed
telepathically compelled
or pushed by some medically technologically induced haze
makes their brain only see what they wanna see
and they will never be happy
so they don't want anyone else to be happy either.
It just blows my mind
so many angry jaded and cynicals
walking around.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss
what it was like before
it became fashionable to hate everything.
You walk to the store
you risk your life.
You take the train or bus
or plane
you risk your life.
Same when you get in your car
because we got PLENTY
of knuckleheaded drivers out here.
And I don't like cars.
Don't ask me why.
Maybe one day that will change?
Don't get me wrong
I'm happy much of the time
then there are these moments
I have to slow down and look at whats going on in this world around me.
Gotta dare to acknowledge something is wrong here
without getting caught up in despair.
Thankfully I've managed to be successful.
Even as time passes
even as I ask myself constantly
did mistakes of the past ruin my life?
Will I ever truly know the love of another
and will someone come along
who won't throw me out with the trash?
Not really a complicated guy
Am I(?)
Just driven
ambitious
misunderstood
definitely eccentric.
Would be lying if I said sometimes I wonder
am I too much of a case study
for anyone who isn't supernaturally intelligent.
Because not everybody can put up with your mess.
Messes.
The guy I'm seeing now he puts up with me
I put up with him
although sometimes I swear he's from another planet.
He tells me people always think folks live in mud huts
in Africa and wear wear bones in their noses.
But man I swear sometimes he....!
Never mind.
At least he makes me laugh.
The body of his is getting better because he frequents the gym
and the sex is usually the bomb
until he uses a damn condom.
Damn I hate condoms.
I hate that its been almost a year since I last spoke to my brother.
I think he's given up on me.
Its so fucked up he likely never recieved those letters I wrote him while he was in basic training.
I wish I could go back in time and fix our relationship.
Dude barely knows me.
He never says it but I think the gay thing is
a bit much for his advanced mind to fully grasp.
His mind functions on a mathmatically genius level
He got that from his father my stepdad.
I'd be lying if I said I never at times feel overwhelmed by
all the things I need to fix in my life.
The videogames and filmmaking helps
yet I gotta change the diet
gotta start a workout routine of some sort.
Working nights
not getting enough sleep
stressing out
not getting enough sex or affection
plus eating too many things I really shouldn't be eating.
Damn headache seems to be trying to come back.
So glad I'm not sweating profusely like I was earlier.
I was feeling so bad earlier and wanted to call in sick
yet I was afraid my boss wouldn't believe me.
How crazy is that?
I gotta get out of here.
I'd be lying if I said
I don't think about this shit
all this shit
every day.
Every day.
****
Years from now people will read this and some will likely say
dayum dude was fucked up.
But some might find stregth in my words.
Strength to go on.
And that is why I write.
Its not just healing myself or putting negative crap out here to depress folks
Nah. My life isn't depressing. It has highs and lows like everyone elses.
This story of a man who never really fit in anywhere who dared to dream that he was so much more than what many can see with their own eyes.
Gosh its been since 1992 when I first started jotting down my thoughts.
Both my Grandmothers were alive. My little brother wasn't even a fetus yet.
Boy what a story I've tried to bring people along on. Its important to record history you know?
So thats why I write.
Somewhere out there theres gonna be some person
who has some similarities to me
and they're probably gonna be wondering how the hell do I get out of some particular situation
so hopefully these written words will make a difference. Because they will see what life was like
for a black gay nerd struggling to build an empire (I was using that word before it became fashionable).
Yea though my mind is often wracked with insecurities
and this semblance of a soul has been tainted life still goes on.
Panic attacks be damned.
Struggling sometimes just to get up and go to the store
because of low self esteem
and lover of the animal kingdom
(Its not my fault I find most animals cute)
Here was a man who still had the ability to appreciate the beauty of another man
in a world where its cool to be indifferent and not show much emotion.
Here is a man who still wathes to news
(even though it sometimes depresses the hell out of me)
Theres a desire here to see whats going on in the rest of the world so sue me.
I have my own inspirations too that I might not mention as often as I should
people like Teena Marie,Michael Jackson,George Michael,El Debarge and the music of this guy I'm listening to on youtube right now "Tall Black Guy" These are some people whose gift of music has helped me to get thru some tough times in my life. Just as their music was the soundtrack during some triumphant moments.
I wanna paint a picture of the way the world was when I was here. I'm getting better at it and will get even better. And thats why I write. Its not just about me. Its a story like so many others. A crazy world full of happenings dramatic or adventuresome comedy. Its a story of villains and insane events with one man who is in way over his head trying to survive enough to leave some sort of legacy behind. Thats why Sergio writeth. Its not likely but maybe oneday people will actually understand me too. That will be a bonus.
****
Good for nothing n*gga.
The car doors lock sometimes when they see me coming.
It happens so much
I think I’ve gotten used to it.
Same old shit that’s been going on for years.
The cops go out of their way to approach me for jay walking
Even when I’m across the street
From the job
in uniform and I explain myself
That I’m running late
No cars coming
Yet two approach me like I’m Americas most wanted.
Maybe I am.
Even I can’t find the words to express how it feels
Being made to feel I’m this thing to be hated.
Sometimes I feel like a good for nothing n*gga.
The color of my skin makes some feel uncomfortable
How I speak makes some feel uncomfortable
Because I don’t think like you makes me someone to be avoided
Shunned
An oddity.
How I am is an affront to all you believe in.
So much to the point that you would try so hard to destroy me.
Forget about all the “whys?”
Most of the time it just is.
Surrounded by a mentally ill world
Surrounded by religious fanatics
Surrounded by illogical thinkers
Not so sure anyone even thinks anymore
So much death and killing makes me wanna just go and hide somewhere
On some other planet.
If only I could.
Invisible
Not the ideal body type.
A minority within a minority.
I am a freak who never really fit in anywhere.
My own people rarely acknowledge me in the street
What is the reason?
I don’t know
Constantly wracking my brain over this shit
Is it
Because of fear of an intelligent black man
Hey this ain’t
just exclusive to other races.
Perhaps it never was.
So much of the time it feels like
I might be cursed to be hated
By the very thing I would love the most.
Do you know how this feels?
Feeling like a good for nothing
Do you?
Living here in this world of drive bys
Out of control religious fanatics that wanna blow my ass up
Out of control drivers
Said they meant to step on the brake
Is some BS
Do you know how it feels to distrust your lover?
To have this gut feeling he might have someone on the side
Yet you don’t have the proof?
Do you know how it feels to worry your employment might end at any moment?
Do you know how it feels when they follow you around in the store?
When they ask the clerk via intercom
“Is everything alright?”
When you merely engaged them in conversation?
The shit keeps happening
Same old shit
That’s been going on for years.
Why do they do this?
Of course I’m assuming
that there is a reason.
I really really think I could stop feeling like
A good for nothing
If I could get away from
all the people who
keep treating me like
like I am
a good for nothing.
****
Call me crazy for wondering why they wouldn't allow me to film here
in this big old alleyway no one is using for anything.
Sometimes people say no just for the hell of it.
I really wish I could get more support from the gay and lesbian community.
Years ago went to a black gay group and watched another filmmaker get rolls of dollars in donations.
But out of 510 facebook friends I can't even get $5.00 from each of them?
How do you think that feels? I really thinks its crazy that most black folks don't seem too into sci-fi or fantasy stuff and most of our films are dramas or comedies or musicals. What the hell is up with that? It might be that most of my support is gonna come from white folks because with them sci-fi is more of a cultural thing. Think I'm lying? I have rarely met a white person who hasn't seen Star Wars. Seriously. I am a minority within a minority within another minority. Thats just the way it is. But oneday maybe I can be the black George Lucas or Spielberg or....Whedon....or Nolan....or JJ. Because it doesn't really look like anyone else is interested in the position and maybe thats why I recieve so much opposition. From both white and black. Straight and gay. And no its not "just in my mind" either. People fight change. As proven by history. I've got my work cut out for me.
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