The epic quest of an artist

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Well friday came and went. Miraculously I was able to get the filming done for the SonsofLegend project. Thank GOD for ingenuity I say because we had to do some improvising on all fronts when two actors had to leave early. I was able to gain access to the rooftop across the street from my apartment building. Yes it was guerilla style but we managed to pull it off. What was supposed to be a teaser ended up becoming a full episode. I imagine it will clock in at about 4 minutes. I found some cool actors. Two in particular were awesome. Not just because of their martial arts background but also because they were real troopers who were totally into the project. These guys gave their all and I think this will be something great to show on their reel when Mack is able to start with the editing. Which brings me to something that has been bothering me for a while. I have so much footage that needs editing I have decided to take a break on SonsofLegend and DragonManx filming for the rest of the year. There are some other projects including Detecter Pig that I must focus my attention on. Since its become painfully obvious I am gonna be financing my projects until I can start to get recognition at film festivals I have to pool my resources. In other words I gotta make that dollar stretch. I can't speak for anyone else but my observation has been that black folks...gay or straight are not the biggest supporters of sci-fi fantasy stuff. The genre dearest to my heart. Actually I think society as a whole has a problem seeing these types of films unless there is/are (a) white male lead(s). People seem uncomfortable if something is too ethnic. To be fair you have ALOT more freedom in the world of indie film but it frustrates the hell out of me to see even great short films like "The DL Chronicles" can't get support from the very communities they are catering to. And even the great George Lucas can't get love when he makes a cool epic action film with an all black cast. I personally would like to see more films that reflect the real world in that when you walk down the street you don't just see white folks. A film should be the same way. As should a comic book,a cartoon or a videogame. Yet in all these mediums I enjoy I feel people of color are too often under represented. Even in a time when we have a black president. (I guess I got on my soap box again eh?)

So anyways I will be flying back to Florida this week. My boyfriend is flying me out to see him in Miami. It will be nice to get away from Cali and get in some real relaxation. (As if thats gonna happen right? The relaxation part. Because I almost NEVER relax. Remember the thing about the shark swimming? He drowns when he stops...) I wish I could shake this gloomy feeling I have had the past few months. Its like a genral feeling of not feeling....well not really feeling too much of anything. Not to say I am numb. I just feel a bit apprehensive without exactly understanding why. Is this mid life crisis shit? Mostly I feel unsatisfied. When I first came to Cali I was not as focused as I am now. Sometimes I feel like I am racing to play catch up. Like I should be more successful by now but somehow I got behind schedule. Don't wanna miss that window of opportunity. Then again everything happens for a reason. I'm where I'm supposed to be. So are you. Maybe the problem is I need to learn how to enjoy the journey more so that when the destination is reached....it will all have more "something". I keep getting a sense of being right on the edge of greatness. Theres something I need to do that will be the catalyst. So no Sergio is not sad or unhappy with his life. He simply is annoyed its taking so long for this thing called "success" to arrive.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Sergzilla....(The Musical?)

I am like the shark that must keep swimming or I might drown. So this maddening obsession to make films continues to drive me. Its pretty crazy because its mostly all I think of. I think of scripts,actors and action scenes all the time. Even more than my boyfriend. Is this normal? Honestly making films has become my lover. Maybe that is normal....having a strong loving relationship with ones calling.

The past few months have been like a tv show. For me. Seriously. Never a dull moment and always something going on. Ups and downs. Comedy. Sadness. Anger and romance. I don't know that my life would make a good reality tv show but in truth some of the situations I find myself in seem as if they might have been contrived by some writers to boost ratings. In just this year alone I have been to New York. Chicago. Florida and I will be going back to Florida next week. My mother lives in Florida so I was there last month for my little brothers high school graduation. I hadn't seen him in like 8 years so I knew I couldn't miss this special event. My boyfriend/partner made it all possible. He paid to fly me out there as he realized how important this was to me. Financially it would have been difficult for me to make the trip. Much of my income goes towards making short films. This drive to create has paid off. I have 12 episodes up on youtube and the quality is getting better. Its only a matter of time before the series gets noticed by the right people. Still I have paid the price for my obsession with film. I plan to take a little time out pretty soon so I can focus more on having balance in my life. That translates into spending more time with friends and family. Especially my 88 year old Grandma. Grandma's pretty energetic for 88 but her memory comes and goes. Its sad at times because she looks at you and doesn't quite know who you are. I don't think she once called me by my name when I was there in Florida last month. Yet it was still good to see her and hug her. Grandma Cora practically raised me. She and my other Grandma (Mary) my dads mom who passed. I was a pretty wild kid and put them thru it and will forever be grateful that they took care of me. They didn't really have to but everyone knows the grandparents usually end up doing alot of the child rearing. Granny used to be a pretty robust woman so its so strange to see her now being so skinny and almost frail looking at times. I wish I had the power to turn back the hands of time. Give her back about 40 years or so. I wish I could keep my loved ones around forever.

I'm actually sitting here at work watching a horror movie called Vampyr as I type. Its an old black and white film. It is amazing how they were able to make such films back then without use of so much tech we have at our disposal now. There is so much inspiration to be drawn from the work/ingenuity of those who came before us. Its also amazing that I have not seen a really truly good horror film in YEARS. I'd hoped to pass my love of film down to my little brother Joshuazilla but he is married to basketball I think. He barely knows me. This is all my fault for staying away like I did. Here in Cali trying to make a name for myself. Hoping to one day make enough money and have enough fame to be able to go back home and rescue the family from all their woes. Make them all proud of me. Couldn't afford any distractions to throw off my momentum. Then there was the gay thing. I felt they might have been ashamed of me. Its not like black folks have readily embraced homosexuality. Society at large might never accept us. Mostly the idea was to respectfully keep my distance and not be in their face with what they likely viewed as a perverse lifestyle. Even if they don't come out and say it. Funny how if you have enough money and power people can overlook almost anything. But ultimately this really means they don't care about you. They only care about your material gain. I think me and Joshuazilla need to take a camping trip (like they did with the actresses in Charlies Angels) so we can bond properly and get to know each other. Nothing like being eaten alive by mosquitos or grossed out by having to eat raw fish and running from bears/wolves in the middle of the night to strengthen those family ties eh?

I am probably going to have to take someone to court soon. A guy who was to help me direct an episode of my DragonManx webseries (On youtube) a spin-off my other webseries "SonsofLegend" took and cashed a money order not meant for him. Seems he forged the money order to cash it. Western Union are being dicks about the whole thing and the police dept told me there was nothing they could do. So now I have to seek legal aid. I have some paperwork to sign and get notorized. This is all a mess though. That someone I really trusted and put my faith in has betrayed me in this manner. $150.00 is alot and there is gonna be some shit involved to get it back. Surely dude assumed I would back off and not go thru the trouble yet I feel if I walk away he could do this to someone else. I'm tired of being ripped off. Just like I am tired of these crazy pigeons on my balcony keeping me awake in the morning after work. Moving to another place whether its here in Cali or somewhere on the eastcoast has become an almost certainty at this point. Meanwhile work continues on my cartoon project "Detecter Pig" and soon the most ambitious short film I have ever done....an extra long episode of "My name is DragonManx". Its so big I am using Indiegogo and Kickstarter. The goal is to raise at least 2 grand to do the production the justice it deserves with a decent budget. Otherwise I might be eating top ramen noodles for awhile heh heh heh. You know how that goes. Sacrifice. At some point music is something this one would eventually like to dabble in. Don't laugh. I'd like to do a cd. Gotta keep myself busy. Even in slowing down. No matter what happens the shark can't ever really STOP swimming.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Conflicts of a hunger

I hunger. Or is it an obsession? Whats the difference? I am driven to create and it just NEVER ends. Others understand this. We can't sleep. We can't really relax and all we think about is....this craft or medium for which we use to convey an idea or concept to the masses or anyone who will listen....however colorful or original....unoriginal. It still comes from some place channeled through us. It is channeled through our soul which makes it a part of our soul. Call it a power or call it a curse. Whatever it is we can't live without it. We are driven to create art. Expression. This is the gift that puts a fire in my heart and its a hunger that constantly craves.

I was born in North Carolina and grew up partially there and New York. It was mostly in New York when the gift began to manifest. Well mostly. They tell me I drew when I was a kid in NC but I really don't remember much about my childhood. So much of it has blank spots. Don't ask me why because I have no idea. Sometimes I think my mind remembers what it wants to remember. I remember as a kid in brooklyn I turned to the world of comic books and videogames to get away from so much of the pain. Bullying is now starting to get alot of attention and many children will likely be saved from what my generation had to endure. The name calling. The hitting. Being spat on. Being slapped around and....the isolation. Not saying I didn't have friends because I had a few close pals. I had my family too but mostly I still felt alone. Drawing comics inspired by others (Stan Lee,John Byrne,Jack Kirby,Alan Davis and so on) I was able to leave the world behind. I grew wings and did the proverbial flying away number. But I'm okay now. The drawing evolved into short stories which evolved into poetry and that became this filmmaking thing I do now. Short films actually. The first major attempt at writing was inspired after seeing the horror movie "The Howling". It was a novel called "Animal People". A pretty simple and ridiculous tale about a young guy who took a summer vacation trip to a small mysterious town filled with shapeshifters. The main character became friends with some powerful guy who came to help him. I'm sure if I were to find and read that story it would be filled with soooooooo many gay overtones. Heh. Of course at age 15 I didn't know what gay was. Not exactly. I knew I was different. Kinda weird. Definitely seemed smarter than most of the other kids but well I guess it was alot like being a superhero like Kalel. A strange visitor with amazing powers no one ever taught me how to use. I believe in a higher order to things and I believe my gift or jaws of life was my art. It certainly saved my life. I don't even want to try to imagine where I'd be without this thing I do which touches the world. Brings light to the world.