Sergzilla's Homecoming Part 2.

Jussie Smollett is in the news these days. Seems theres a strong possibility he lied on a police report saying he was the victim of a hate crime. It certainly polarized the gay community for a hot minute. Then we all got to thinking....wait a minute. If he did in fact get beat up then wheres the video evidence? Turns out there is none. Meanwhile Donald Tramp er Trump is still trying to get his wall built. He's even gone so far as to declare a national emergency to dip into funds that are needed for other things. Like a real emergency. Stuff like military construction. Money for medical treatment programs etc. A young woman who wanted to join Isis is being deported and a white ex marine who believes in white power was taken into custody whilst the law enforcement confiscated a bunch of weapons he planned to use to kill liberals and "as many innocent people as he could". This world is so crazy sometimes and I keep asking where these people keep coming from. Seems just when things appear to be quieting down another psycho rears his or her head. My theory is something is affecting these people and making them do these things. In some cases. Maybe its supernatural or theres some science involved. That makes alot of sense actually. So much time has passed so mental manipulation by technology would be pretty advanced by now.  It does worry me that some of my younger family members are gonna inherit some of this craziness. It'll probably be normal to them at some point. Mass shootings and terrorist attacks. We've always had issues within society but when I was a teenager I certainly did not have to worry about going to a damn mall and some fool with an agenda might come out and start acting the fool. Of course Orlando has seen its share of insanity. The whole Pulse club shooting comes to mind. The thought of visiting that place did pass thru my mind truthfully. What would it feel like to go to that place where so many terrible things happened? Or even the World Trade Center a place which I have visited so many times in the past. I believe I'd feel something. Spiritual energy swirling all around. Anger. Confusion. Just terror of what they went thru and then finally what was taken from them by this coward. A little boy with a big gun punishing a bunch of complete strangers who had their own problems and its likely if he'd asked for help a fair number of those (whose lives he took) woulda given him a listen. Yes I still believe in the good or potential for it people. Even though my brothers niece "J" worked my nerves while I was there on vacation I can see she has a pretty sharp mind. I wonder if anyone else has noticed it yet? When you observe kids doing crazy things its easy to forget how bad some of us were when we were youngins. I heard a couple of stries of my legendary childhood. The toddler years. Once I heard I threw a tv out a window. Mommy told me a funny story about how my grandma Cora had to put wooden borders in front of the open doorways in the house so I couldn't enter. Poor Grandma would always forget about about the wood boards and she'd have all these bruises on her legs from bumping into them when Mommy would come to visit from NY!

At one point during my vacation trip home I was sitting down and she (my niece) creeped over to the back of my laptop while I was surfing the web and went about trying to peel off some of my stickers and I told her to stop it. She quickly moved away from me. Then there was a time when my other niece "K" was playing Mario Kart on my Switch while I tried to teach her how to use the weapons and the freakin accelerator. J came over and was like "I wanna play the videogame" in this quiet kinda shy voice. Now she acts shy whenever I offered her candy or when Mommy asked her if she wanted to hang out with me but this kid has a pretty clear idea of what she wants and how to manipulate people to get it. I told her I would take it under consideration. She promptly went to her dad and said "He won't let me play the videogame" Joshua told her "Its his. He doesn't have to" I guess I kinda felt sorry for her and I let her play but maybe I shouldn't have? You can't just think its okay that when people tell you "NO" you can run to daddy to fix everything. "K" is a terrible player but at least she does actually look at the screen. To "J" I think it was simply a matter of her getting what she wanted but not really caring after she got it. Its gonna be interesting to see what kind of personality "J" has when she gets older.

As for "J's" father Joshuazilla he's still got some growing up to do even despite the fact he is tremendously intelligent. Months ago he got into it with Mommy and Eddie my stepdad and they basically put  Joshuazilla out. I remember getting into it with my father once. It was over some stupid little shit. Probably built up shit in all actuality. I was washing clothes and he hit my hand because I didn't do something he'd asked and that night I moved out to go stay with my grandma Cora (my moms mom). Its unfortunate but even in the wild the parent animal often has to chase their offspring out and then they get a chance to go experience the world. In time me and my father were cool again and that was the last time we ever argued over anything. But Joshuazilla and my mom were still butting heads while I was there. I stayed out of it. I'm not a "hoverer" and its not my business to interfere since I am a stranger to the feud. Mommy explained to me some of the things that have gone down and me and my sisters constantly remind her she and Eddie would have killed us if we did even half of what they let "other people" get away with but anyway....I did speak to Joshuazilla. Just told him no matter what these are your parents and you gotta give them the respect because without them none of us would be here. So there's that to consider. I'd like to think he listened to me. It hurts because if I'd been there more in his life when he was coming up maybe I could have helped provide some more guidance. Eddie and Mommy are getting older now and this is the time they should be relaxing and enjoying what they have you know? They shouldn't be stressed out. Mommy made a remark about me giving her grandkids but geez would her and Eddie survive another one? I'm not gonna harp on this anymore but "J" is a handful and she single handedly disrupted the breakfast the family took me out to Saturday. I warned Joshuazilla he's gotta get her under control because I know a few people who couldn't get their kids under control and they had to send them away. Both "J's" parents are so young and yeah its safe to say they were not ready. I just don't want to see them make the same mistake many parents are making these days by being more of a friend than a parent. And thats all I gotta say about that.

My stepsister "Miss Big Nose" and younger sister "TT" have their own family units going on. Miss Big nose has four kids. Three girls and one son. He is a super nerd like me. He took after his father who I met briefly many moons ago. Unfortunately he passed away but dude was super cool and I can remember us hooking his Playstation up to my Grandmothers tv when we all went down to NC to visit her. She passed like six years ago. Its still so weird her not being here you know? Miss Big Nose has a red Wii on her living room floor. She had no idea Nintendo cut all the internet services from that machine just recently. She is from Trinidad and she has naturally red hair that everyone thought she died when we were in high school. She was a tom boy. Not so much into comics but she was good at videogames and an excellent basketball player. In fact she played in a lot of games and in many ways I always felt she was like the son Eddie never had in me. Because I wasn't into sports at all and sucked at math. I was a big weird nerd. I was always getting into trouble too because I hated school so I'd cut classes and hang out with my friends at arcades or wait till everyone was at work and sneak everyone over to my place. They ended up sending me to a school for troubled kids. Plus I had to attend summer school. Going to school for me back then was a nightmare. I'd get picked on. Slapped around and spat on. Those New York kids were no joke. In many ways I'm probably mentally traumatized by many of the things that happened to me in those years. Miss Big Nose actually was able to protect me from some of it because she was popular. My sis the jock. Excuse me "Jocktress". I remember we used to sit up late listening to people like Luther Vandross, Heatwave,Mickey Howard, Teena Marie and Patti Labelle on the quiet storm. WBLS. KISS FM. I would get on everyones nerves by constantly playing "Let me show you the way to go" by the Jacksons. I practically worshipped El Debarge and his family. I'll never forget the summer of "84" when "Whats love got to do with it was in constant rotation on the airwaves. Ahhhh. Those were the good old days.

Sergzilla's Homecoming Part 1.

I took a vacation last week and kinda on a spur of the moment decided to go see my family in Florida. Put that tax return check to good use. I'd planned to go see them sometime this year anyway but I figured since I was on vacation and not keen on being stuck in LA again like the last time I went on vacation, it was the right time for a visit. I called my step sister Miss Big Nose (Beverly) to let her know I was coming. Told her to keep it a secret from mommy though. It was certainly good timing because one of my co-workers and I aren't speaking and I've been having some trouble with the maintenance supervisor. On top of that I just needed a break from LA and anything stress related. Packed the cool orange backpack the Nathan gave me last year to replace the one that got stolen during my ill fated birthday trip. (No I have not recieved anything in the way of compensation for the things "Mr Jackson" took. ) Was really pushing it though because Spirit is now charging like $65.00 for carry-ons and I was sure my stuffed backpack was over the limit. No one said anything to me though but next time I will either pack lighter or just check in another back for clothing. Will only take a bag onboard with my electronics. Definitely bringing one of my other consoles in addition to my Switch. Only because the PS4 and Xbox1 have most of the better games. Just saying. Sorry Nintendo. Of course theres always the option to simply mail some clothes ahead of time or pick up some things when I get to Florida. We'll see.

Anyway my brother Joshuazilla picked me up from the airport. He's grown up so much its pretty ridiculous and he inherited my handsomeness as well as an intelligence that MIGHT be superhuman. Plus he is VERY funny. Joshuazilla is also a dad. He has a cute little daughter who I probably would have really enjoyed if she wasn't screaming and throwing temper tantrums most of the time when I saw her. Brianopolis said thats to be expected from kids but my niece is....well she is spoiled to the point I worry she will be out of control when she gets older. The Dangerous African had trouble with his daughter and nephew to the point they had to be sent away. Part of me feels responsible for some of the things Joshuazilla experienced in the years past because as a big brother I just wasn't there. Was so wrapped up in my life and problems I kept everybody in my life at arms length. The truth is I know my being gay weirds some family members out and I struggle with some developmental shit. Mostly stuff I keep to myself thus I've kept my distance. Some things they probably can't understand or help me with anyway. Still being home reminded me what I've missed out on. Being back around family can certainly have a healing effect.

I have had this idea for years in the back of my head....me and Joshuazilla on a roadtrip or some crazy camping trip where we have to survive some insane shit that forces us to bond so I figured maybe if we went to Disney that would be a good start. One of my bosses suggested awhile back that I should go do something cool for myself. Universal, Disney or some other amusement park. I decided Epcot Center was good gamble. Figured I'd spend some time with Joshuazilla and maybe see some virtual reality shit. It really sucks that Epcot doesn't have anything even remotely related to virtual reality although the race car simulation ride is pretty cool. I guess the important thing is me and Joshuazilla had alot of fun. Plus I made alot of progress in understanding who he is and the man he is becoming. It would be very cool if I could get him involved in this filmmaking thing. Maybe fly him out here to assist in a production later this year. As much fun as Joshuazilla was to hang out with I need to talk about the other family members; especially my mom who I convinced to bake me one of her world famous banana puddings....

There's always one....

So I went to the restroom for about two and a half minutes at work and I come back to hear someone banging on the door as if they were the police. I opened the door and she (the Y/C client) stormed past me with this look of pure hatred. Its a look I tend to get from some of the kids that live here honestly. I know that it seems to be in for gay men and some women to be edgy, moody and just armed with a nasty attitude. Bitchy. Its one thing about the culture I really don't quite understand. But alot of black folks have an edge too. Particularly those of us who are more Americanized. Its just annoying sometimes because I never did anything for you to be so mean towards me. Folks will tend to lash out at you if you seem happier than they are. I guess.  So this girl storms in past me shooting me the nastiest look ever and the maintenance worker who saw everything told me she'd actually jumped the gate to get inside. Now mind you it is only me working alone some nights and if I need to go to the restroom I have to leave my post momentarily because I'm not a robot. Robots apparently don't need to use the restroom. I know I can never allow myself to get too comfortable working here. Theres always in the back of my mind that some of these kids I am protecting sincerly HATE my guts. Its not just me either. Other security guards have told me about how they are often disrespected here. It does make one feel weird when the people you are trying to help come at you with so much negativity. Security guards get a bad rap at times too. People call us "Snitches". Then theres the stereotype of the fat coffee guzzling donut obsessed moron with no life ambitions. Seriously I wish I could see more positive type kids in real life because I don't have the rosy outlook about them everyone else seems to. I just worry the next generation is in trouble because of how they act and how they think. What kind of role models do they even have?

I went to the grocery store today to get some fried chicken.
I was so surprised
when the security guard was friendly to me.
I mean really friendly.
Like how people used to be
back in the day you know?
It was cool.
someone being friendly to me
even when its another black man
it does take me by surprise.
This guy was African though
so maybe that had alot to do with it???
Its just that sometimes I feel
like other black men hate me.
Then I was just on facebook
and this cool guy from maybe Haiti or Jamaica
(At least I thought he was cool)
sent me a greeting
and tried to video call me.
When I looked he was jerking off and immediately I closed the video window.
This guy is/was someone I respect alot
he's accomplished so much
but now I'm unsure what to do?
Do I block him?
It feels like
like someone forced their penis into my brain
without even asking if I wanted it.
Am I wrong for thinking this way?
Funny thing is I acted out a fantasy
of us earlier this morning.
When I asked him why he sent me such a video
dude claimed it was a mistake meant for someone else.
Riiiiiiiiight.
He's cute.
Kinda like him
but he's a million miles away
plus its unlikely we will ever meet.
I'm not even sure how to feel
because the truth is I have basically given up on
having any kind of love life or sex life.
I suspect I will seem much more attractive
when the dough starts to roll in
but I don't need anyone who needs me for dough.
Just call me the tormented man
here in the land of the beautiful people
water water everywhere
and not a drop to drink
metaphorically speaking
I've not drank anything in over a year.

There was this guy
(I think it was last year)
He's from that show Noahs arc
and he seemed cool
till he hit me up on facebook with unwanted sexual shit.
When I calmly told him I felt uncomfortable with his actions
and confused he would come at me in such a way
dude tried to cheapen me and make me feel
something was wrong with me for rejecting him
then he blocked me.
Ironically some months later I heard he wanted to work with some of my crew
because he'd seen their work with me.

Isn't it such a crazy world we inhabit?

And people tell me I'm the one who's insane.
I am reaching a point where I'm wondering
how insane can I be for living in the truth and daring to speak my mind
when something doesn't feel right.

I'm doubting if I am truly insane
just severely damaged from all this bullshit
folks keep trying to force feed me
because its something they're used to digesting.

(Typed on my Xbox1. Maybe time to invest in a keyboard?)

RUNNING

Been running so long
Running towards the future
Chasing success
Relentlessly pursuing these hopes
As traumatized as my mind is
I never gave up the chase.
My poor old PS4
My trusty XBOX1
Nintendo and all this music
These comics
Movies
And books got me thru the worst of times
Armor the gods gave me to survive
(My art is the sword you know)
So I survived another year
What happens now?
Do I keep running from the past
And the family life I left behind?
Do I keep running
eyes squinting like a numbed maniac
Against the hurricane
In my path
Blazing a road while
The world laughs at me
And calls me a defective fool
For rejecting complacency
Rejecting failure
As I'm sprinting
away from
even the slightest chance
Of a love
Or a tribe to belong to?

Last night at work a co-worker gave me a hug.
It was such a simple thing really.
An unexpected thing.
I think I may have been hugged a couple of times this year.
Such a simple thing
from someone who seems so distant
yet its a big thing because
it reminds me
how connected I am to the human race
even when at times I feel like I am
drifting so far away from humanity.

TORN THING. COSMIC PUNCHLINE THING.

Torn
bleeding
healing.
Wanting
(more from life. A better way of life)
Stolen from.
Ignored.
Recovering.
I look around
my place is in chaos
keep saying I'm gonna clean up
but it really hasn't happened for many moons now
I'm trying
to bounce back
I wish I could faster.
I do
wish I could do more.
Is my time running out
Are all these health issues signals
Am I near that light at the tunnel
sword drawn ready to slay one more monster
before I plunge headfirst into that damn molten lava.
Running
towards that goal
lingering in the dark
wanting to hide this shame of mine.
Questioning if
all these slips and slides
are because of something I did in another life
(Who's punishing me then?
Winter is coming indeed.
Yeah that is a pop culture reference so sue me.
My head hurts
my nose is sore
because I've been blowing it for weeks.
My back sometimes hurts
and these eyes
sometimes are not so clear.
These legs hurt
sometimes.
These hands hurt.
The knees hurt.
Then come the damned fever blisters
triggered by stress
triggered by my immune system taking a dive.
I am
TORN
Not completely in the physical world
and one foot in the spirit realm.
TORN from the pages of some
long lost and forgotten
comic book.
A wildly weird superhero
born of a darkness that follows him around
that he sometimes catches glimpses of
and sometimes I think that same darkness reaches out to comfort him
even if not entirely sure how to comfort me.
TORN
because things come at me left and right
I feel as if I'm being tested for something
but I won't break.
Because I want my story to be one of inspiration.
I WILL NOT be a cautionary tale.

Maybe thats the real reason why I'm
TORN then.



IGNORAMUS

You responded to the ad
(Didn't have to take off your shirt but thats okay....)
In some cases
You even came out to audition
then all of a sudden you got
compromised.
Changed your mind.
Sometimes it's just
the not returning of my phone calls/texts,
sometimes I get the old
"I saw the character was gay/bi
and I'm not down with that" or
"What you're doing is wrong
and you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven"
Whatever.
Most of the time I get nothing
you just sort of disappear
stop answering my calls
I may never know exactly why
you decided
not to be a part of my dream
but thanks so much for wasting both our time.


THE KNOWING

Sometimes it hurts
being right so much of the time.
I could smell it on you man
saw it in your eyes.
I knew I'd never hear from you again
when you said
you would direct my feature.
I don't even know why I took your card.
Next time
I will just say
how I feel.
"We both know you're not gonna call"


ARE YOU RACIST OR JUST AN ASSHOLE?

Cut in front of me in line
pretend to not even see me.
Then when I call you on it
you act incredulous
going out of your way
to make me feel
invisible
insignificant.
Like I've done something to you
and I don't even know you.

THE UNSEEN AND UNSUNG

Ignore me
walk by
don't speak
unless you need or want something.
I open the door
no acknowledgment
I see others moving up that ladder
even though I've never been offered
that same opportunity.
Sometimes it is nice to be
unseen.
Underestimated
(Not being laughed at or ridiculed or otherwise put out for wh oI am)
Then at other times
being ignored
BURNS
like the most violent kind of fire.

Pardon me for being alittle self centered
I'm only trying to salvage
whats left of my self esteem.



DREAM TRYING TO HATCH
(Typed on my Xbox1)

Its no exaggeration to say
I have crushed on you
for the longest time.
For years
wishing I could wave a wand
to turn a bottom into a top(!)
Acted out our union
and that passion
was so intoxicating
that it was almost overwhelming.
Now you call me up
middle of the night
somewhat intoxicated
telling me things I imagined you saying
Yet imagined it would all remain fantasy.

I wonder now old friend
Do you even recall
or regret our conversation?

Said things
all the right things.
Talked of being lonely
Wanting to hold and be held.
Said you'd come over and clean up this place.
Said you'd warm these cold feet
Said you'd come over
and make love to me.
Probably would blow my mind
yet I've known you long enough
to seriously doubt if any one man
can ever keep you
(satisfied).
I may have quietly accepted
my insecurities might be too much
to even think of burdening someone else with
this overly active imagination is probably too much.
This sudden gripping anxiety
brought on by the simplest of triggers at times
making my heart to beat erratically
making me feel
hate from so many
is probably too much.
I know you have your own personal demons too.
I could probably deal with them
but can I risk any extra energy
when sometimes my own demons
seem like a volcano threatening to erupt?

You have put me at a crossroads old friend.