TORN THING. COSMIC PUNCHLINE THING.

Torn
bleeding
healing.
Wanting
(more from life. A better way of life)
Stolen from.
Ignored.
Recovering.
I look around
my place is in chaos
keep saying I'm gonna clean up
but it really hasn't happened for many moons now
I'm trying
to bounce back
I wish I could faster.
I do
wish I could do more.
Is my time running out
Are all these health issues signals
Am I near that light at the tunnel
sword drawn ready to slay one more monster
before I plunge headfirst into that damn molten lava.
Running
towards that goal
lingering in the dark
wanting to hide this shame of mine.
Questioning if
all these slips and slides
are because of something I did in another life
(Who's punishing me then?
Winter is coming indeed.
Yeah that is a pop culture reference so sue me.
My head hurts
my nose is sore
because I've been blowing it for weeks.
My back sometimes hurts
and these eyes
sometimes are not so clear.
These legs hurt
sometimes.
These hands hurt.
The knees hurt.
Then come the damned fever blisters
triggered by stress
triggered by my immune system taking a dive.
I am
TORN
Not completely in the physical world
and one foot in the spirit realm.
TORN from the pages of some
long lost and forgotten
comic book.
A wildly weird superhero
born of a darkness that follows him around
that he sometimes catches glimpses of
and sometimes I think that same darkness reaches out to comfort him
even if not entirely sure how to comfort me.
TORN
because things come at me left and right
I feel as if I'm being tested for something
but I won't break.
Because I want my story to be one of inspiration.
I WILL NOT be a cautionary tale.

Maybe thats the real reason why I'm
TORN then.



IGNORAMUS

You responded to the ad
(Didn't have to take off your shirt but thats okay....)
In some cases
You even came out to audition
then all of a sudden you got
compromised.
Changed your mind.
Sometimes it's just
the not returning of my phone calls/texts,
sometimes I get the old
"I saw the character was gay/bi
and I'm not down with that" or
"What you're doing is wrong
and you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven"
Whatever.
Most of the time I get nothing
you just sort of disappear
stop answering my calls
I may never know exactly why
you decided
not to be a part of my dream
but thanks so much for wasting both our time.


THE KNOWING

Sometimes it hurts
being right so much of the time.
I could smell it on you man
saw it in your eyes.
I knew I'd never hear from you again
when you said
you would direct my feature.
I don't even know why I took your card.
Next time
I will just say
how I feel.
"We both know you're not gonna call"


ARE YOU RACIST OR JUST AN ASSHOLE?

Cut in front of me in line
pretend to not even see me.
Then when I call you on it
you act incredulous
going out of your way
to make me feel
invisible
insignificant.
Like I've done something to you
and I don't even know you.

THE UNSEEN AND UNSUNG

Ignore me
walk by
don't speak
unless you need or want something.
I open the door
no acknowledgment
I see others moving up that ladder
even though I've never been offered
that same opportunity.
Sometimes it is nice to be
unseen.
Underestimated
(Not being laughed at or ridiculed or otherwise put out for wh oI am)
Then at other times
being ignored
BURNS
like the most violent kind of fire.

Pardon me for being alittle self centered
I'm only trying to salvage
whats left of my self esteem.



DREAM TRYING TO HATCH
(Typed on my Xbox1)

Its no exaggeration to say
I have crushed on you
for the longest time.
For years
wishing I could wave a wand
to turn a bottom into a top(!)
Acted out our union
and that passion
was so intoxicating
that it was almost overwhelming.
Now you call me up
middle of the night
somewhat intoxicated
telling me things I imagined you saying
Yet imagined it would all remain fantasy.

I wonder now old friend
Do you even recall
or regret our conversation?

Said things
all the right things.
Talked of being lonely
Wanting to hold and be held.
Said you'd come over and clean up this place.
Said you'd warm these cold feet
Said you'd come over
and make love to me.
Probably would blow my mind
yet I've known you long enough
to seriously doubt if any one man
can ever keep you
(satisfied).
I may have quietly accepted
my insecurities might be too much
to even think of burdening someone else with
this overly active imagination is probably too much.
This sudden gripping anxiety
brought on by the simplest of triggers at times
making my heart to beat erratically
making me feel
hate from so many
is probably too much.
I know you have your own personal demons too.
I could probably deal with them
but can I risk any extra energy
when sometimes my own demons
seem like a volcano threatening to erupt?

You have put me at a crossroads old friend.

A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.

Hid their feelings for some guy

Just couldn't accept
for the life of him
who
or what he really was.
Even went so far
as to get another job
anything to distract
from those
supposedly ungodly feelings
(You see thats how dude was brought up)
Couldn't bear to give in to
something he simply couldn't accept.
(Maybe this was the first time he'd felt this)
Shit he went out
and started his own little non-profit.
(Who says you can't make some good focus out of bottled up trauma?)
Anything to brush these feelings under a proverbial rug.
(But they never really went away. These feelings)
Dude never even bothered to say goodbye
to the one
who would have loved him
the way he deserved to be loved.
The one who had to learn
how to unlove him.

Because thats what the world taught them both.

The world told them they couldn't be together
and the lie became a bitter truth.
A hard pill to swallow indeed.

This shit happens everyday.

It feels so right
yet it feels wrong
that I may have convinced myself of something
not true
not natural.
Hell I'm not exactly normal
even though I fight for the balance
of nature.
I am honored to be a voice for those who have no voice of their own
walking in the light
whilst still being of the darkness
shunned by humanity
misunderstood
underestimated so often
and no one really knows who I am
except me
(or those who watch me from beyond I guess)
I dunno....
folks say
this is how it feels when you're a leader
someone who can see thru the haze clouding so many eyes.
I think I have accepted my fate
to climb this tall mountain
daring to believe theres Shangrila beyond those clouds
while no one else is trying hard enough.
Maybe they just simply can't and thats
just the way it is.
Am I a fool to believe in potential others have within?
So often it feels like its a lonely climb to the top.

"A sky full of people but no one want s to fly"
(Sigh) Those are Seals words not mine by the way.

Maybe I need to hangout with more people like people who compose hit songs for Batman soundtracks.

Is it all imagined
that others often copy my actions?
Is it all imagined
I copy others actions
at times.
Concealing feelings
fighting emotions
acting like I'm anti-social
and thats not really who I am?
Am I merely adapting
to this
unfriendly
undeveloped
hostile
and limited in its communication skills?
Have I let others infect me so much with their issues
that they have become my own?
Does it make one sick
to ignore feelings
suppressing them because you know
the other person could never feel the same way?
Its not easy to have unreciprocated feelings
but over time it becomes easier to resist them because
a wise man who had many wives once said
"It shouldn't be an uphill battle"
Its crazy enough
to survive in this crazy world we live in
that I just don't have the energy or time
or motivation to want who doesn't want me.

Fuck them.

Even though I wsih them peace at the same time.

Does that even make sense?

The death of the man I used to know.

The man I used to know
he would be my friend
even if I didn't have
model looks
muscles for days
and an angry
almost cartoonish manliness.
He'd come over
play videogames all night
we'd go to the movies
often we'd sit up all night
watching tv
or listening to music.
Didn't judge
not to say we had no conflicts
because everybody argues
once in awhile
Still....
he knew my heart
valued my opinions
used my advice to better his life
even as I utilized his wisdom.
This is for the cool
that unsung hero
in a hive of scum and villainy
he wouldn't turn me away
saw a diamond covered by coal
Nurtured it even
but then he went away
left me here
in this world
with all these
rude motherfuckers.
Some of them seem like
they don't even have their own minds
wanna copy off what somebody else does
or says
wanna talk nice
until they realize
you're a bottom too
then they just drop you like
a hot potato.

You say I'm angry?
No sir I am merely stating what I observe
and believe me when I tell you
I try my best to keep mydistance from them
because I don't wanna become
anymore like them than I already am.

Yeah even I can admit to being tainted
yeah thou I'm trying to hold on to
that man I used to know
the one who went away
used to fantasize about him too sometimes
wanted to in some ways
to be like him too.
He was my friend
never judged me
was kind
listened to me
shared with me
saw right past the crazy me
folks wondered about our friendship
I even wondered too
how could two from
two different worlds
get along so well?

Then one day he went away

no one came to take his place
so a part of me broke off and grew into another him
thus I became the best friend I used to have
before he went away
never to return again.

PRETEND BOYFRIEND.

See you
talk to you all the time
you have love for me
nobody knows
sometimes I'm not even sure I know
just how you feel.
Its a secret that we keep
or it might only be a mystery to us.
You keep me in your life man
but its only at a distance
this is all I'm ever gonna get.
Its bittersweet.
This having you
yet not really having you
stings
burns
all the way into my dreams.


THIEF.

Stole my things
stole parts of my life
and if that wasn't enough
you're trying to hack your way
all the way in.
Taking over my computer
hacking my videogames
trolling me online
browsing my posts for ideas
You're meddling poking
to cause a reaction
any kind of reaction
always constantly
listening
or watching
thru electronic devices
just like you listen thru
these walls
sitting in your black car
tinted windows
watching me
watching my life
(Are you laughing at me and these many imperfections?)
and I don't even know who you are.
What do you want?
Why is it so important
that you'd wanna steal your way into my life?

RANTINGS AND INNERVISIONS.....

I am pretty much convinced the kids here at my job hate us. When I say US I mean the security guards. We are constantly getting shit from these kids when we ask them to identify themselves before we allow them inside because we have to be careful not to let anyone that might be dangerous in here. They get pissed when we don't recognize them or if we don't know who they are. Earlier tonight a black kid came in here and was like "I live here" When I asked him his name on the intercom. He didn't say his name until I walked outside and then when I saw him on the list and let him in he walked past me with so much rage and malice I could feel it. Maybe its just a thing that people hate security guards because I have noticed alot of folks have ZERO respect for us or the fact we are usually the first responders on the scene when something goes down. One night this girl from upstairs was so fucking nasty to me when I politely held the door open for her ass. I said "You're welcome" because she didn't say thank you. Her reply was "Why should I say thank you to you for doing your job?" Its so weird because I do think I love just about everyone. Not saying I like everyone but I do have much love for people in general even though I see all the terrible things they are capable of doing. It just sure would be nice to meet or know more friendly nice well rounded LGBTQ people because I just get tired of being around so many who are mean spirited individuals. I certainly have my own wounds and have seen more hate than I can even express yet I don't walk around with this crazy edge so many of us carry. My mind is healing from so much shit....its trying to heal you know but sometimes I feel I may be in an environment thats stunting me from my own growth as a caring, confident mentally healthy person. I really do keep feeling like I need to escape from here and go live somewhere else. I keep pushing on and focusing on my writing and still trying to decide if I wanna keep up this film stuff. Just so glad I have outlets for my emotions. Without them this world can feel so damn stifling.

Not sure whats going on with my stuff that was stolen in Detroit back in August. Sonsofbitches ruined my birthday vacation and tainted what used to be my favorite place to getaway from all the madness. No idea why in hell they targeted me. The detective on my case recently told me an arrest was made in my case and a warrant was gonna be served. But I've not heard anything else since. I have to replace my passport and birth certificate. I also gotta get another work ID. Was able to buy another cheap laptop yet its just a temporary fix because this 32 gig harddrive is barely enough. In fact its a good thing I had a small harddrive laying around otherwise doing updates would be impossible. Windows itself takes up almost 28 gigs of space! Meanwhile the drama with the Daughters of Legend film has continued. At this point I realize I made a terrible mistake by bringing on this guy who is causing so much grief with threats of litigation. I also realize I should have never let them change the script but whats done is done. At least SonsofLegend and all my other stuff can still live on. The SonsofLegend webseries will relaunch later this year. Then I'm launching a new webseries soon thats a spin off. GOnna try and get some funding from the community because we certainly could use some more LGBTQ characters in the world of sci-fi and superheroes. So tired of seeing us as sidekicks,secondary characters or the comedy relief. I have so much work ahead of me. Probably am done with dating and romance. I can still fantasize about these things I guess. But in reality I feel like I'm too fucking weird for anyone and then other times I just think I've evolved to the point where romance doesn't matter anymore. Its still in my minds eye this place where I'm successful in life and there are people around me. People in my life. Kids. Animals and healthy relationships. Those people who hated me...laughed at me and ran from me because they were running from their own sexuality....they are in this vision so far away from me as if I've somehow flown over them away from them and I'm not talking gated communities I'm talking about getting to this place where I am in a healthy type reaffirming environment that nurtures and encourages me feeding so much creativity I am pracitcally exploding with ideas/concepts/art. I keep seeing it. It is only love which remains elusive and mysterious in this place....this innervision.