Did I offend you?
Sitting there
with my security uniform on
minding my business
but all you could see was
"LGBT"
on my chest.
So you had to remark....
"Everybody is gonna know
what you're all about"
Bro you were the only person
on that whole damn train
who was even caring
where I was working
or what I was wearing.
Why on Earth were you
so concerned
about me
when nobody else cared?
I was going to work
not hiding
not making a statement
just being.
Just going to work
was all I was doing
and it looks like I managed to offend you.
You kept staring
Stared at me the whole time
I was on that train
eyes burning into my forehead
even though I tried to ignore you
I tried to focus on
that tiny PS Vita screen
and you kept focusing
for some reason
on forcing yourself
into my world.

Miss Bangladesh.

You have always been there
mostly silent
sneaky
mysterious
in all your machinations.
I used to think women could better police the world
yet you've shown me
women can be just as
terrible
devious
and foul
as mankind.
You never came after me with brutality
you attacked my mind
for so long
it almost seems normal
how you bang on my walls
how you stomp on the floor
above my head
and I wonder if oneday
that damn ceiling will fall
I gotta get out of here woman.
Gotta get free of you
I only wish they'd installed those
video cams in the hall years ago
so they could see you
spitting on my door
sticking gum in my key hole
scratching my peephole
stuffing your
soiled panties in the dryer
with my clothes.
Your hatred for me must run so deep
when all I've ever done was try to defend myself
from your cruel actions.
This all started when I asked your little sister
to stop tearing paper up in the front yard
then you opened up a can of hell on my life
pure unrelenting hell
on a man who just tries to ignore you
trying to live his life.
Damn woman
if this is what you do to me
I ask what do you do to your true enemies?
Never in all my life
have I witnessed so much blind raging intense
hate
that never sleeps
until the day I moved into the apartment next door to
Miss Bangladesh.

She will hate me till the end of time
with all her might
even if it causes her
own destruction
even if it causes her to
look older everyday
dying inside
trying to fool everyone
with outside appearances.

The truth is
you're rotten to the core
and if it wasn't me
you woulda channeled onto someone else
(I'll bet you're shocked I'm still alive)
How many others have there been
Miss Bangladesh?

Better be careful
that cosmic justice
that divine retribution
its coming for you
Better get your soul right
before its too late
Miss Bangladesh

You achieved what no man ever has
you managed to become
my greatest nemesis
even while you were adding
fuel to my fire.

I can barely wait till the day comes
when I can move out of here
and never have to think about you (or your friends) again.

It stings sometimes
sometimes I know its a miracle
feeling those stings
surviving
being this sensitive person.

Took me some time to learn
to live with those stings
to roll with the punches
the nastiness I get
from others
real or imagined
but its the real pains that have caused the imaginary ones
the mind tries to heal
yet some scars stay
sometimes there are too many wounds
sometimes I feel like
gotta run away from humanity
if I want to truly heal.
Run to the woods
up in the mountains
someplace where
its clean air
clear water.
Feels like the city
its trying to eat me alive
trying so hard
like my enemies
to keep me
in this weird dimension
between sanity and madness.

Healing
while its all still stabbing at
this soul like thing I have
and sometimes
I know not my friend from my enemy.
Waking up is like
waking up
in the middle of a roaring raceway
with not a clue where to run
watching folks involuntarily
out the corners of my eyes
absorbing so much info
need special glasses like Spiderman
so I can focus.

Never met anyone quite like me
So how human am I I wonder?
(I mean really)
Just exactly what planet did I come from
and how did I get here?

So damn sensitive
feeling everything
wish they'd seen this shit earlier
put me somewhere
with someone who coulda taught me
how to harness the power
that threatens to overwhelm
the senses.
Guess I am that odd miracle
the one who didn't break
although I often look around
to see so many others
whose minds have snapped.

Its a scary thing
to know
Superman
Spiderman
Wonder Woman
and Steve Austin
definitely helped save me from that dark place
so many others fell in
are swimming in.

The gods that float above
or the ones walking around on two legs
they tossed me a parachute made from comic books.

When I looked in your eyes
I could feel
something
think it was hate
was it racial hate
or did I imagine
I felt anything at all
thou out of sorts looking
red haired
tall and skinny
male organism?

I keep forgetting
like a fool
never to look
into the eyes
of the
strangers
I keep forgetting
how much
anger
the rest of the world has
towards
almost anything.
Just like my co-worker.
if I mention
my joy for anything
be it music
films or books
so many of these young kats
they will rip
and tear
it all down

and if I'm not careful
I feel myself
at times
being infected with
their disdain towards
anything.

How can you live
if you lose your wonder about
everything
about life?

I think if you lose that
you hate everything
and everybody
then theres the part of you
it no longer understands
why I can laugh at something
finding joy in something

When did you lose your joy
or was it taken from you(?)
maybe you never had it
so you could never bear to be
too long
in the company
of someone like myself.

Don't hate me for trying to be happy in this world.

INTERNET GODS

Man
those sure are some
hot pics you posted online
as usual.
Of course.
Right?
Yeah.
All of us come to see your
muscular arms
(Those tatts)
your smile
that cropped mane(!)
your lovely
photoshopped skin
pearly whites
that oh so wonderfully sculpted
often barely clad physique of yours
that you work so hard on in the gym.
Yeah.
They worship you
I used to
but I noticed
you don't ever
"like" my photos
you never even
leave a damn comment
when I'm going thru
some trying life event.
So who the hell are you
that I should be
drooling over
your image?
Its not as if I really know you after all.
Right?
You are all false gods.
Not gonna give you anymore of my worshipping
energies.
Save them for
somebody whose gone thru something
somebody who has risen above something
and contributed
to the greater good of us all
not some
MIRROR KISSING FOOL(S)

I don't know you!
You could be so cute outside
and secretly have a bunch of bodies
at home in your fridge
for all I know.
You might eat
kittens,puppies and biddies
with your cereal
in the morning
for all I know.
So excuse me
if I defect from the cult
Need to
find myself a new religion.

And if by chance I can't find anyone worthy
of my admiration
well I guess there is always
Me.

(To "New Techno" station on Pandora)


TRANSFORMING AWAY FROM ME

Damn
never had a problem with dating vanilla
true love is blind

but you
you blow past
any white guys I have ever seen.

perfect body
smile that seems to
rearrange my molecular structure
and the funny thing is
you really don't even know I exist
I mean sure you talk to me
but its that
tolerating
not really wanting to be bothered kind of talking
I sincerely doubt you like chocolate

thats your business

Then I find out
you are transitioning
changing into
some other person
same person actually
but
no more package
no more facial hair
longer hair on top too

I feel like
I'm being slapped in the face
liking a dude
whos changing
I guess changing into
a version of his skin
he's more comfortable being in

but man
GOD made you so damn beautiful
and its terrible inside
you don't see
just how fucking fine you are
(I'm sure you realize your effect on others
just as I'm certain you get that
crush vibe from me
when you're around me)

man I wish I could clone you
before the man is gone
before I can only see him again in photos
or images reconstructed in my minds eye.

I would raise you
accelerating your growth with magic
teach you all those manly things
a manly man is supposed to know
(or maybe just have one of those annoyingly
over masculine guys I know
take you under their wing
so they could influence you
influence you to use the mens restroom
and play some rough sports
so that you would come home
excreting pheremones everywhere.
That came out sounding nastier than intended)

Alas
you're gonna take him away from me
that man who was never mine to begin with
not even in fantasies
I struggle to imagine life with
an unattainable reality
seems so far away
you know what I mean?

Pretty soon
you're gonna be transitioning
out of my life
not looking back
on life
as a man
forgetting the past
learning to think as she
as internally
I will mourn his passing
the him that was you
yet ultimately
never you.

How could anyone remain a he
that never felt any of it was the truth.

Inside
he was always the trapped soul of
she.

When that day finally comes
be brave in your new life
run free
and never look back.

(To State of Jazz on Spotify streaming from my PS4 phat)

Life Betwixt The Dead and The Living

I saw a dead man this morning
when I got off work.
I knew
something weird was gonna happen
because I left work late
because I had to stop
at our other location
just to get my samsung tablet
lucky for my co-worker
since she just happened to need to borrow
one of my chargers for her phone(!)
then I got stopped
by Bob
my friend
who also works in security
just down the street.

As I walked to the station
the cops at chick filet
they checked me out
as I walked by
(yeah I know I look like
"somebody")
Whoever the hell that is
I still do not know
even after
all these years.
Maybe one day someone will tell me?
A white guy gave me a nasty look
when I nodded a simple greeting passing him
A man sweeping the street
in front of Mels
(which usually lights up in cool rainbow colors when I walk by)
gave me a peculiar glance
upon my passing
Then
At the light I got a suspicious glance from an old white lady
she moved to make some distance
I turned around on purpose
so she could see my security jacket
because sometimes that makes people
feel more at ease
because
well you know
I guess I look like
somebody threatening
whoever he is.

On my way down
the escalator
a black lady
basically sped up so I couldn't pass her
then she stopped
after the turnstile
to make sure I could get in front of her
(sometimes people are so confusing)

I get  on the train
took my vita out my back pocket
so I wouldn't sit on it
I'm reading Thor
on my tablet
a pretty black lady sits down across from me
her perfume smelled nice
I could feel her eyes on me much of the time
and I guess maybe its because
she doesn't see many brothas
on the train
reading comic books on their tablets?

I get up
put my vita back in my pocket
And
I get off the train
deftly putting on my back pack
then I took the escalator
since the elevator was packed.

A cute
bald headed
brotha passed me
He said excuse me
which kinda pleasantly surprised me
because
people rarely say
"excuse me"
anymore.

When I get to the second level
where that escalator ends
decided to walk up the damn stairs next
instead of getting on the crowded escalator.
I see as I look up
police standing around
and theres something there
I actually stumbled a bit
not because of what  I saw
I just wasn't really paying attention
where the stairs were
but as I got closer
there was a white man lying there
mid-30's
mouth sorta open
yet not really
while the police looked on
and his eyes were closed
he wasn't breathing
and mostly
folks were just
walking by.
One cop noticed my semi stumble
His eyes fixed on me
I supposed he thought maybe
is this guy gonna pass out or something?
No this guy has seen bodies before
and he doesn't scare easy.
Although its probably safe to say he does have
bad nerves.

As I walked on
I noticed another
cute black guy on the escalator
he was almost as dark as they come.
Tall
Maybe a bit older than me
but still kinda cute
I guess.

I exited the station
thinking
how surreal it was
what I'd just witnessed.
One man was dead
folks were walking by
as if it were nothing
and for a moment
thoughts of
if that were me
(that type of thing)
went thru my head.
People just walk by
they don't really care
its just
another day in the life.
One black lady seemed
somewhat weirded out though
she seemed to be covering her mouth
while her and a white lady
possibly a co-worker of heres
walked by the guy on the ground.

I passed by a brotha
nodded a greeting
he ignored me.
Everytime it happens
I swear I'm never gonna say hello
to anyone unless they speak to me first.
It does still boggle the mind
how mean folks can be
and the fact many people
they just don't have any manners.
Yeah it does make me worry
especially when its youngins
because one day
they gonna be runnin this shit.

I walked to the corner
a fire truck roared past
almost had to cover my ears.
Where was the ambulance?
Guess they were it
figured the guy on the concrete covered ground
well
he had a chance if they could revive him
If.

Walked on
got to the little security shack I pass on
westmoreland
the guard wasn't there
noticed him crossing the street
he got into a converstaion
with a black lady walking ahead of me
it was about the guy on the ground
as I walked by I told them
he's gone
described the guy after the guard asked who was it
then I said
unless they can revive him.

Walked on more
A black girl
wearing headphones
passed me
gave me a sort of
snaughty eye roll gesture of ignoring me
when I said hello
kept on going
like I didn't exist
I said "typical"
loud enough she probably heard me
then when passing an asian guy
sweeping the street near the temple
I said nothing
because before when I've greeted them
they simply don't respond
and I don't wanna waste energy on
the negative.

Crossed the street on vermont
and a really cute looking brotha
he said hello
making a nice gesture as I reponded
and when I got to my street
feet from my building
a cool loking
kinda cute brotha
smiled and said hello to me
with the jubilation you'd expect
if i was the first person he'd seen in
a hundred years.
For some reason I am glad
the last memory I have of
contact with a human being
was a good one
before I drift off to sleep
after eating some
banana split flavored icecream.

*
This Trinidadian man
he said
he was my husband
and his eyes
made me feel
nasty in ways
no one else has
in a good while.
Trinidad could be
pushing Africa out of the picture.
Could be.
(And its funny
my mother married a Trinidad man)
He asked me
if he could see
because
he showed me something
shocking
even as it was pleasing.

Really think dude likes me

Me?
He's sexy
but
guess he always seemed
so independent
so beyond
me
because he seemed
almost as if
he cared not
whether he was single or whatever

Yet
perhaps I misread him?

Told me
he din't love those hos
so many hos
and he wasn't even interested.
Sometimes I think
hos have become the norm
and those of us still believing beyong ho-ism
well we're dinosaurs.

He asked if I'd move with him
in his house
said he wanted a family.
He keeps saying
all the right things.
Told him
about
some of these insecurities
he said just stop it
put me on the spot.
It truly has been
so long since someone
agressively courted me
its something I don't even know
how to respond to
cuz it feels unreal.
You know?

It makes such a big difference
to know
to hear
that someone
somewhere
wants you.
Is willing to take
a risk on you.

So used to
being overlooked
passed over
I don't even know what its like really
to feel "sexy"
I don't.
I know I'm not ugly
even though I've certainly heard that one.
Its something to get
that affirmation from others
that
you are actually nice to look at
and maybe your company
it isn't so bad.

To hear someone
express
genuine interest
genuine acceptance
its some of the best medicine for a sick man.