Old friend
I often think about you
the lying ass that you were
I still forgive you
because
you kept me laughing
and you were there
during some of those
dark days
but I never understood
your need to lie
about everything
these friends of yours
celebrity connections
you never even showed me photos
but you claimed to have hobnobbed
with hollywood royalty
still I can forgive you
for blowing smoke up my ass
all those years
even when I let you move in with me
just don't understand why
you felt this need
to play pretend with me
I'm not like all these other motherfuckers
I don't need you to be famous to be my friend
don't need you to
play pretend at being
someone you're not
because you were always
good enough to be my friend
even when your ass couldn't fit thru
the damn door
and you didn't have a penny to your name
because thats just how I roll
*

Brothers
why ya'll be killin each other?
Why ya'll be tryin to kill me?
Can't turn on the news
or read the damn paper
without seein
some brother
done killed another
mass genocide
uncontrollable rage
towards each other
could be some sorta misdirected shit
but I ain't done shit to you
so why you hate me?
Walkin down the street
nobody dares make eye contact
I feel like I'm cut off
and then when I do look in your eyes
its like
the rage of a wild animal that wishes it could
consume me
but these days I feel like
wild animals are more brothers to me
than these people who are said to be my brothers
who in truth
want me dead
and they've banished me from the kingdom
when they coulda took me in and raised me
like those wild wolves and lions are doing now
Was lost in the wild wilderness and the animals saved me.
I just do not understand
why our villages
burned to the ground
and all the elders or avatars
who coulda fixed everything
they just fled
(hell I'm trying to leave)
and even if I do leave
and I make those millions
I won't forget to put some of that moolah
right back in the community.
I know there are others like me
they wanna escape
this crazy way our life has become
and only a wild animal like
what I've mutated into
can leave that bread crumb trail for them
to survive that wilderness trek to
Shangrila(?)

I hope that you survive and prosper brother
sister.
Just don't turn into a wild animal like me.
Seems the wild animal
that invisible hero
who comes down
from  the mountains
to fight with the monsters
you never see
well....it usually doesn't get the happy ending.

I had to lose some of myself to survive the storm.

I wanted to forget you
but its a struggle
had to do this before
deleting photos
trying to erase somebody from my mind
wanted to get them out of my head
I guess I succeeded for awhile
so much pain
for some
nigga that don't even think about me
broke my heart
like it was
yesterdays news.
Just like you did
I don't know
was I wrong to fall?
Probably was wrong
of me
to tell you.
Guess I'm stupid that way.
Funny you said
when we met
I was closed off
like I'd given up.
Whats to be expected
when I keep meeting
people like you
a constant reminder
of what I may have moved past.
Sometimes it hurts so bad
that the pain feels
numb.
Its become
a pain that I'm used to
I guess
Just so much like that damn song
by Depeche Mode.
To think I thought I could love you
to think you could have been
at least my onscreen boyfriend right?
But you stood me up on audition day
I want so badly to delete your photo on instagram
from my ipad
I stared at your photo
started feeling
sick in my stomach
I don't know if its some psychic shit going on
don't know if you're in pain or
even alive.
Keep feeling
wondering if one day
we'll meet again
and we'll be friends
and I'll look back feeling
regret
because I deleted those photos.
I have to get over you
have to get you out of my system
this shit I'm feeling
thought I'd be coasting downhill by now
but it still feels like its an uphill battle.
They say getting someone to love you is not supposed to be
an uphill battle
so why the hell is getting over
someone who never was meant for you
such an uphill battle?
I'm trying to get over you man
Not there yet
probably whats keeping me from
deleting those fucking pictures.
One day I'll get there
oneday
I will have the strength
to forget about you
(Maybe if the gods are kind I will meet someone to make me forget your dumb ass even if you were /are well within your rights not to care about me there coulda been a diamond here?)
Until that day comes
when you have fled from my mental facilities
I am staying the hell away from
Coffee bean and tea leaf.

Right now I just couldn't deal with
that physical painful reminder of
your rejection.

I wouldn't even know what to say if we ran into each other
would probably fall to my knees like Superman facing a kryptonite cyborg
Well in my mind
thats exactly what I'd be doing
falling
screaming
camera zooming in on me
like Ola Ray when she saw Michael was a zombie

I am so damn dramatic.

UNDERCOVER HIP HOP HEAD

Is that what I am?
I love the old skool
RunDMC
Rakim
Gangstar
LL
KRS1
UTFO
MC Lyte
Mary J Blige
Heavy D
Whodini
Grandmaster Flash
Public Enemy
Folks like Wutang
Tupac
Biggie
Roxxane Shante!
Was Teena Marie the first female rapper
or was it Blondie?
I still don't know the answer to that question?
But I can remember where I was and what I was doing
when I hear most of that old stuff
much of this new stuff doesn't compare to
There are some who recapture the magic
like Missy
Timbaland
Digable
Fugees
Busta
Music from
Tall Black Guy
Foreign Exchange
9th Wonder
City Nights
Maylee Todd
and Jabig with so many other noteable deejays
(Thank GOD for Youtube!)
Spotify
and Pandora
or I wouldn't even know about
so much of the good music out here
that the radio stations won't play.
I grew up on hip hop
will never forget
that music of
a simpler time
that got me through
some difficult times
and when I hear it now
all I can think of is sunny days
long bus rides
icecream cones
banana or apple nowandlaters
APPLE KOOLAID
Tang or
Grandmas tea and bread pudding!
Mommas banana pudding
Sega Genesis
Bionic Woman reruns
old Bugs Bunny
Tom and Jerry cartoons
along with the first time I saw Fantasia
(and it was on a big screen!)
Cartoons with kung fu movies on Saturdays
Godzilla or Planet of the Apes marathons on Thanksgiving
Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
Claymation style Frosty the Snowman/Rudolph Christmas specials
and all the while
hip hop was there mixed in
in the background
providing soundtracks to my life
accompanying all those R&B classics
Chaka Khan
Stevie Wonder
James Brown
and the Thrillers
David Bowies
and Tears for fears
then it all came back around full circle
NWA and them
Phyllis didn't wanna change the world but she did it anyway God rest her soul
Ojays and Queen Latifah teamed up for New Jack
Heavy D was just coolin with Levert
Guru brought it with N'Dea
and so many more in
Jazzmatazz
Robert Glasper brought it with Yasiin Bey
on Black Radio
Who can forget these girls
Janelle Monae
Jill Scott
Miss Baduizm
They seemed to come out of nowhere
to take the world by storm
as they spread their wisdom musically?
All this and more
is why I will never forget hip hip
even as it evolves
as long as they keep making the soul
people (like me) will come
(even if I am
the undercover hip hop head)

Been moving forward
making progress
gradually
seems to be happening
so damn slowly
yet I can see myself inching
ever closer to that goal
the goal that seems so
elusive at times
I'm getting close
as I fall away from what is considered a normal life
I'm falling away from
dreams
dreams that feel like phantom images
in my head
so far away.
Its something that I used to
really believe
really believe I could be
happy with some other guy
but they all rejected me
even as the women seem to notice me so much more these days
Its so ironic
but I've never really explored that part of me
some sort of curiosity
even though
thoughts of being with a woman
make me feel
somewhat
nauseated
(Is that even a word?)

In all honesty
I struggle sometimes
to make peace with this
realization I might just be too crazy
to be with anyone.
That fantasy is fading
replaced by fantasies of me with my
support animal
by my side
exploring this big world with me
keeping me grounded
(keeping me human?)
Helping me stay focused enough
to build this empire.
Not really sad about this
in truth
been done with mourning for quite some time.
But have I ever really cried for
the death of the Sergio who once believed
he was gonna fucking fall in love with some guy?
Its a sobering possibility that
the concept of a long lasting
one on one relationship
has all but been abandoned by the gay community.
That is my observation.
We can finally get married
but who really wants to anymore right?

I look around
and I feel as if
I am incomplete
don't measure up
and because I've not achieved what I want out of life
theres nothing I have to offer
So my life is in flux
and I know I gotta work on gettin in better shape
not just so I can run around in tights
(in my films)
and not look like a damn fool.
(Okay maybe that is largely why)
And like I said I ain't sad
just able to be brutally honest with myself
so I can help myself
(What you expect me to wait around
for somebody else to do it?)
George Michael said it himself in Flawless
"There ain't no miracles"
He also said you gotta go to the city.
What city is mine?
It ain't Los Angeles Cali.
I think it could be somewhere in Michigan.
This place hasn't ever really felt like home to me
and like the dog with wolf in him
I'm feeling the call of the wild

I've got to get out of here.

(To Miseducation of Lauryn Hill)

HECTIC

Its been so
hectic around here lately
some people say
the world is about to come to an end
I'm not depressed about things
but I can't say it hasn't affected me
yeah I shed some tears
I try to donate when I can
Its hard to not feel
even when it feels like
its coming from all over
makes you see your life isn't so bad.
Texas, North Carolina, Florida ,Puerto Rico and Georgia hit by hurricane forces
Earthquakes in Mexico
Wildfires here in Cali
Mass shootings in Vegas
Terrorists constantly on the creep
threats of nuclear devastation
plus so many homeless people in the stations/on the trains/on the streets
in their tents
mentally deranged people all over
and it seems everybody else is walking around with an attitude
ready to
run you over
ready to
fight
whoever looks at them wrong.
My icons are being torn down
unspeakable scandals
and this Prez simply baffles me
Man....
I just walk around in my own world
I walk the back streets at night
lost in my own feelings of
insecurity
battling these damn demons
I walk the back streets at night
because I don't want anybody to see me
these wrinkled clothes that
I didn't bother to iron
wishing my body was in better shape
fighting off this depression shit
dealing with this HYPER REALITY shit
I bury myself in my (art) work
sometimes
going so deep
in my own world
or worlds others created in
videogames,comics,music and those moving pictures I love so much
You see I need it
like some kinda drug
(these survival mechanisms)
to help me bounce back enough
to face life
you know?
That way maybe
just maybe
I will finally get around to cleaning up
my junky ass apartment.

Its not enough
fighting for your own dreams
in this world.
You gotta fight
(often with a smile?)
to survive
period
in this world
No matter how hectic
things get around here.

The Birthday Vacation. Part 2.

I'm sitting here listening to music (from Star Wars,Matrix and The Hobbit) on Spotify and thinking (really worrying) about these little potted plants Jonathan has here. I sat them over by the patio door so they could get some sun and I swear they are looking better. I gave them alittle bit of water earlier because they looked really out of it. Just trying to follow the instructions on the tabs you know. And I'm alittle tired. Maybe not tired but just sleepy. I'm gonna attempt to bake this fish The Dangerous African had up in his freezer. That fish has some freezer burn going on let me tell you. Anyway my investor jokingly told me yesterday since Jonathan was going thru this difficult time I had to do the wife thing. I was like "We're both two men" so theres no one doing any wife thing. Still Jonathan and I do make a good team I suppose. In some ways we compliment each others strengths and weaknesses. Its been cool being here to help him. Earlier I told him I wouldn't mind moving here and he said if my heart was in it. It was in the heat of passion but I meant it. If money wasn't so much of an issue I'd live here at least for awhile in a heartbeat. Yeah money definitely does not buy happiness but it sure covers a lot of territory. It makes many things possible you know.

It was cool to cook for him a few times during my stay here. I don't mind. I'm actually pretty good at it. Made baked potatoes last night. Baked some chicken patties the other night. Cooking fish right now. Baked tilapia. It smells pretty good. All I did was take it out of the package,rinse and sprinkle some pepper with garlic salt on it. Did alittle research online about the freezer burn because I wanted to make sure it wasn't gonna cause problems. Turns out it might simply taste unpleasant. The areas with the burn that is. Told Jonathan to make sure in the future to cover food he puts in the freezer instead of just tossing it in there. That's Jonathan. The Dangerous African. Part of the reason I call him that is because he almost blew up my microwave back in LA when we first stared seeing each other. Can still remember the day we first met. It was pretty awkward because "Captain Caramel" my nutty roomie at the time had gone out somewhere and since he had my house keys I couldn't get back in the apartment. Jonathan came thru to meet with me at my place. I remember how hot he looked in his soccer team type shirt. His dark skin and perfectly formed body. Those kind eyes that reassured me everything was gonna be alright even though I was sorta panicking about being locked out of the apartment. We ended up sitting outside in the little courtyard area behind my building. We talked about his current living situation at the time. He was bouncing around without a place to call his own. He'd been dealing with some betrayals as well as some unsavory characters he was forced to depend on since he was an illegal trying to get on his feet after leaving New York. Prior to that he'd left Liberia behind because some people wanted to kill him for being gay. Yeah they do that over there. I've seen video of people burning a gay guy then celebrating in the street like it was some kind of holiday event. One day all these people who claim to know GOD or a god will be in for a rude awakening because of all the terrible things they have done to others. Call it karma or divine intervention but we will all face some kind of cosmic justice one day. Take someone like Donald Trump. He's been in the news again over craziness. I wanted to believe the man wasn't a racist who probably didn't hate gay folks. Now I'm not too sure. It still blows my mind that a man who was video taped talking about grabbing pussies has become the President of the US. It seems like madness. Over the weekend there was an incident at a rally in Charlottesville. Basically some pro-White folks were going on about some craziness and a bunch of protesters showed up then at some point this crazy white kid ran a car into the crowd killing a white lady who was there peacefully protesting. Donald Trump comes on tv then makes a statement saying it was terrible what happened but the blame is on both sides. There was so much backlash because he didn't call out the crazy racist folks who were there stirring up trouble in the first place that he had to make another statement two days later to placate everyone basically. But his supporters have been jumping ship left and right. This entire election has been like some bizarre bad dream. I wish so much there was a reset button so I could go back in time. This man is the most unqualified person to ever sit in the oval office and it is a complete embarrassment to the establishment. But they wanted him over Hillary and ran her campaign into the ground. (With some help) Now I hear she wants to be a preacher? What???

So like I said....on the day I met The Dangerous African my roomie had me locked out of my place because he took my keys. I sat and talked with Jonathan for awhile and he felt like an old childhood friend. He kept telling me not to worry about anything. Its interesting in that we'd chatted online (via the "tagged site) on and off for about a year but we'd never met. I'd almost given up on trying to forge anything with this guy but I decided to try again but that particular time I left him my phone number and he called me. Most guys don't. Think I'm kidding? I used to wonder if people just run from you for giving your number but the sad truth is many are lying about who they are. Phone calls and video chat are a no no when you are trying to create an illusion apparently. Always felt that the person for me (if he existed) would be from another country. So many Black guys here in the USA have an edge about them. Its something I really don't see in brothers from out of the country. If you ask me to explain it I just say its more of the mental ill shit that's fallout from what happened to our ancestors. Some of it anyway. Sometimes that edge is part of what makes brothas so damn sexy. Other times its just something I wanna run as far away from as fast as I can. Why? because sometimes that angry energy is directed at me. There it is.

(Added 8.24.2017)-
(We saw the new film "Detroit" and Jonathan walked out a few times because of the intensity of one particular interrogation scene that seemed to go on forever. That scene even made me uncomfortable and one couple who saw the film with us later agreed whoever edited the movie could have cut out about half an hour at least to make it flow better. Jonathan was still sensitive about his mom so thats probably why he was so affected by the scene. )-

Not even gonna lie. When The Dangerous African made love to me that first time it was truly a spiritual experience. I told him he put voodoo on me. Of course he laughed. Such a likeable guy he was and his story moved me so much....that whole adventure of surviving a civil war in Liberia then that climb up from nothing....it was something I certainly understood. Of course I let him move in with me. He became my best friend and I guess even though it didn't feel official he was my lifepartner. Until my own insecurities and unwillingness to move drove a wedge between us. Then he moved. So here we are.

We did the laundry today. I'd really wanted to go to the zoo but it was too late since Jonathan had to go to work. He's gonna be gone till later tonight. That'll give me plenty of time to start doing some concept drawings for the designs of the Daughters of Legend character jackets. I made a difficult decision yesterday about the DOLL (Daughters Of Legend Legacy) film. Well its something I've been mulling over for some time but the quality of the footage we shot is severely lacking therefore we're just gonna start all over from scratch instead of trying to go back and fix everything. Right now I'm leaning towards taking what we already filmed and having it released as a webisode that will lead into the film. Viewing the webisode will not be required for understanding whats going on in the short film, which may or may not be a new original story. I thought my investor would be kinda perturbed by my decision but he actually seemed happy. Probably saw it coming from the talks we've been having over the past couple of months. I want to do things up in the short film though. make everything bigger and better I mean. Damali will get an upgrade in the film. Her look. Her house. How she dresses. How she walks. Everything. So although we spent a gang of money on the already shot footage it wasn't a waste. More of a build up to the main event. To think of it as anything else would be too distressing. We're gonna be bringing in a cool female DP to help out this time too. Someone I've already worked with before. Daughters of Legend needs input of the womanly persuasion. So many things are gonna be different for this production when I return to LA. The trip definitely got my batteries recharged in spite of Jonathans situation which brings us to....

Jonathan was concerned about the pictures he posted on Facebook of his moms funeral. I told him it was too late now. I understand how others could think posting these types of pics as weird or morbid but also I get it wanting to hold on to memories of the person you lost and its a loving way of giving some form of closure. I get it. Now he's thinking about giving her a more fitting burial place or maybe it was a headstone he mentioned earlier. Its really something that at this time when he's got to prepare for his daughters arrival next month he also has this to think about. But when you have so much responsibility you can't really slow down to take a moment to grieve. I have a buddy who lives in Detroit. I really care for him a lot but I abandoned the idea of us ever being more than friends. Anyway this buddy of mine has been heaping so many responsibilities upon himself I told him he was just over extending himself and running the risk of burning out. Dude has already been in the hospital a few times and my ex in Detroit has been guilty of the same thing. Sometimes we place a lot on our tables because we are running from something. You can say its simply another outlet for coping yet stress and hypertension do not make for good companions.

Jonathan reached his breaking point when we were sitting in the car outside of a buffet place. We were about to go in. He just started to sob almost like he was laughing because he'd just received the call saying they had put his moms to rest. When I cry theres really not much noise but its a pain because of my nose running and my eyes burning then theres the inevitable headache that usually follows. Ugh. Jonathan took about 15 minutes to recover. I tried my best to comfort him. Was tempted to ask him if maybe going to this place wasn't such a good idea. Eventually he pulled out of it then we went inside. We stacked our plates then sat and talked for awhile. It was a Panda Express wannabe joint basically. Jonathan thought it was the same chain but theres a big difference in the quality of the food. A lot of the stuff there was fried too and I doubt they used vegetable oil but whatever. I'm trying to eat healthy these days. Jonathan put me on video chat with a family member and I tried to work on a go fund me campaign to help him cover the funeral expenses but no one gave anything. Had to try right? They had to transport his mother a distance and it was all pretty expensive. The American dollar has a lot of value over there though because from what I heard if it were here in the USA the funeral would have cost like a million bucks. Seriously. If I were living here I'd be able to really keep an eye on The Artist Formerly Known As The Crazy African (Yes he did once have a promising singing career) but for now I'm here for a short time with my cooking....my massages....washing his dishes and well....believe it or not sometimes just being there with someone when they are going through it is the equivalent of a million bucks.

(Added 8.24.2017)
The Crazy African and I had more adventures before I got back home in LA. While driving to Minneapolis we got a speeding ticket then when we finally got to Minneapolis we almost couldn't find a hotel. At the last minute when all hope seemed lost we went back to Hotel 6 when no one else had any rooms available (or they were all too high). Hotel 6 told us initially they didn't have anything but they worked a miracle and put us in room 133 which was a room outside which had a huge bathroom. The sink was slow as hell to drain and the room cost 85 bucks but we were desperate. At least we didn't smell cigarette smoke in the room. I really do miss Jonathan. He said I should move to Fargo and become his new best friend. Of course right now that isn't possible because I have so much to do and his daughters are coming. Perhaps in 2020 I can consider moving there. Well hopefully I will have enough money and be more able to freely travel. Gotta work more steadfast towards these goals. Probably most important of all is I need to more realistically pace myself....

The Birthday Vacation. 2017 Edition. (Radio version).

Part 1.

Last Wednesday I flew out to Minneapolis and Jonathan AKA "the Dangerous African" drove three hours from Fargo to pick me up from the airport. We spent the night in a hotel 6 then the plan was to drive back to Fargo the next day. I was pretty tired and would have probably stayed at any hotel at that point but Jonathan really didn't wanna stay at that particular hotel because the last time we did we smelled cigarette smoke the entire time even though we were supposed to be in a non-smoking area. There were also some questionable individuals lurking in the hallway. One even asked us for a light. This time around while I was about to take a shower I found a needle (like the kind people use to give drug injections) partially tucked near where the towels were. Also the water in the sink NEVER got hot and it also didn't drain. Jonathan was already fast asleep by that time but I didn't wanna stay in the room anymore for obvious reasons so I went downstairs to the front desk to get them to change our room. I really should have asked them to give us a discount because that was some crazy shit.

Just getting to Minneapolis from LA was its own adventure though. I had to go to my job to get my vacation pay which I'd requested in advance the week before. I'd been told the check would have been left at my job to pick up the night before when I came in to work but I think they forgot or something so having to come out to my job threw off my schedule and the LYFT I took got stuck in traffic. On top of that I had to rush and pack when I got home from getting the check. Ended up missing my plane and had to pay $100.00 to catch a later flight. That led to me having to spend 6 hours in the Dallas airport during a layover. Grrrrrrrr....

We didn't really do anything in Minneapolis the next day. We pretty much just got up and drove back to Fargo. Jonathan works like twenty jobs so his schedule is pretty full between that and going to the gym. He's been preparing the past year for his 3 daughters to arrive next month. This is like my third time visiting The Dangerous African. The first trip he had a different apartment. It wasn't a two bedroom like this one. Its amazing how cheap the rent is in other states compared to LA. You can actually do pretty good for yourself here if you have a nice job with benefits. Its really low key and relaxed too in this state. Its a republican state. I think I saw a celebrity in one of the local markets too. Might have been one of the chicks from Charmed. I don't really do the whole -starstruck ask you for an autograph thing- but I did do a double take when I almost bumped into her going around a corner trying to find the sinus medicine.

This trip would have probably been mostly uneventful. I mean....I'd planned to do alittle writing/drawing & probably go check out the zoo because I went online and read some reviews. Figured we'd go to Denny's for the free birthday grand slam and perhaps swing by one of the comic shops yet something happened that changed everything. It was something no one expected that just came right out of nowhere. Honestly I've been so stressed out over Daughters of legend and really weirded out over the fact I very nearly got into a fight with my investor weeks ago my nerves are shot and it might would do my brain some good to not think of anything for awhile. Well except video games and music I guess. As I sit here writing its raining outside and it perfectly suits my mood. Its been raining on and off the past few days. Not so much a downer. Rain just puts me in this ultra kickback mode mostly. Right now there are alot of emotions going on inside this mind. I like it here. I do wish I had money saved up and could afford to just get up and move here. Probably would simply not work for a few months. Seems as safe a place as any to learn how to drive too. Could certainly continue my work in film while living here but Jonathan is kinda hard to figure out you know? Its like he could be good relationship material but it really feels to me he's not ready. Maybe I'm not even ready? Then theres....well sometimes I just wonder if our differences in religious beliefs could cause problems. (Sigh) Dude is a handsome guy with the perfect laid back attitude towards life. He's a catch for sure and well when you are a catch people take notice. Thats just to say I'm aware he has a fan club. Then with his daughters coming soon he likely won't have time for a relationship especially in light of what just happened the other day....

Must have been Sunday evening when Jonathan called me from his job. I figured he was just checking in on me like he does sometimes but that wasn't the case. He'd just gotten a call informing him that his mother had passed away. I could hear pain in his voice. Jonathan's relationship with his mother always seemed to me like that of a woman who very much loved her son but maybe wasn't completely happy with some of his life choices. I never got the idea that they were close but she's been dealing with some illnesses. He told me she'd even had a bout with The Ebola. Her age was late 60's I believe. Jonathan is actually one of the strongest men I know. He may be The Strongest. Really. He held it all in and fought back the tears while having to effectively work a miracle because paying for his moms funeral expenses fell squarely on his shoulders. Why? Well because no one else did it and because thats just the kind of man he is. The burial process is different in  Africa than here in the USA in that it all pretty much happens in one day. The Dangerous African managed with some help from his church to pull it all off and then when the grief came bubbling to the surface I was able to comfort him. Its a good thing I did make my trip up here because I don't even want to imagine him having to deal with this alone.