3.17.2017

The Quest for Phillip.

Yesterday was pretty rough on my nerves. Had this guy who I really thought was cool and wanted to give an acting opportunity just simply bail on me with no explanation whatsoever. In fact I noticed today he'd unfriended me after making sure I couldn't send him messages on facebook. We'd scheduled a rehearsal session because I wanted to work with him and make sure we would at least appear to have a bond with each other when we would film our scenes the next day. Today. So I show up at the location for the rehearsal after having booked a space for us to use and dude straight up did a no call no show. It was really insane and I'm starting to wonder if there are some evil people out there whose main purpose for existing is to FUCK up other folks shit. I mean why on earth would you agree to something....a paying gig that could possibly open up doors then just needlessly burn bridges? I don't get it. Then when I thought I found an actor to replace him that guy cancelled on me and I was forced literally at the last minute to scramble for another actor. I didn't even tell the director I had to find a third guy till after our shoot was done the next day!

So yep I managed with the grace of GOD to find via craigslist another actor. What a strange way it happened though. When I saw his response to my craigslist casting ad for a gay actor I almost lost my mind because not only was he gorgeous, he also was talented with an onscreen presence thats undeniable. Also he has the same name as the character he was cast as. He told me he'd been doing a search on craigslist and he meant to type in "guy" and typed in "gay" instead and thats how he stumbled across my ad for an actor. Dude is 6 foot four and mixed with Ukrainian and African. Tall, light skinned and very cool. So now he is playing a role I struggled to cast ever since Monte moved to Texas. This guy is the third actor to play Phillip. Hopefully he will stick around. I sent an UBER to pick him up and paid him a bit more than I usually do my actors because of how early we were filming and the distance we had to travel. It was mostly due to the fact he SAVED our shoot for which I am eternally grateful. We would have had to cancel without him no doubt. I am planning to go to film in Detroit next month and have already talked with him about coming along to play Phillip. I think he'll do it if he's available. We'll see....

RAGING AGAINST A MACHINE.

Boy. Prince wasn't kidding when he said
"Just when you think you're safe"
Jeezus
I made the mistake (again)
of falling for another
talented Black man
misguided
enslaved
by some fairy tale like
interpretation of what he'd like to believe GOD to be.
Crazy enough to believe that shit
but not enough faith to believe in
what we could have been.
You know?
(You know to some degree we're all probably broken right?)
Its no coincidence he hasn't achieved his potential
he might never do it
like so many others I know
I can see them stumbling
yet they have to walk their own path
till the light bulb comes on
and all the bullshit falls away
bullshit they are holding on to
shit that holds them back
on so many levels
because the part of his brain thats supposed to believe in self
is devoted to something(s) else.
Told me this morning he decided to go for another opportunity
something he'd been pursuing for awhile
and that a chance came
that they'd been kicking it
and I swear just the other day
I felt something was off about how we were vibing
prior to Valentines Day and the days that followed.
Looks like I lost another one.

(But brotha did you really break it off
for the reasons you gave?
I think you left me to be with Jesus
and all your fans
who are loving
all those photos you like to post online
Its not likely I will ever know why you decided to fire my ass
and thats real....)
Mama said never discuss politics and religion
Maybe she was right
because I sure was
wrong
to think that you were he
him
the one.

Now I'm tired
more tired than I've been
for a good while.
Tired of not being enough
Not good enough
rich enough
smart enough
stable enough
TIRED of folks telling me
without even saying it
HOW FUCKING IMPERFECT MY LIFE IS.
You'd think they have all the answers
the way they carry on.
Yep I wasn't good enough
then again
its never enough
because sucker MCs always gonna find
some shit to complain about.
Even if a nigga was fucking perfect.
I feel like
I'm tired of being overlooked
and feeling like
like
I'm not good enough.
Don't know how much more I can take
think I might be
bleeding out
putting myself out there
taking that chance to believe in
something
then getting my face broke
over and over
when I'm already feeling like
like I'm walking on a thin line.
A thin line
light and darkness
damaged goods
feeling and just trying not to feel so much
thinking sorta thinking that
maybe the people that leave here so soon
really are the lucky ones.
What is this sort of damnation
having these feelings and constantly being rejected?
Why does this shit keep happening to me?
These guys
they come into my life
like trojan horses
then they get inside the defenses and
they just tear shit up
beginning to wonder if
I might have some kind of target on my back
All this spiritual shit
mysterious people saying they have the answers
when I know none of us do
because surely
this world would be better if it were so.

What did I do in my past life
to make this world rage
so much against me
making me
to rage
raging
so deep into the night
body and mind becoming so weary
as I ask

WHEN IS THIS SHIT GONNA GET ANY EASIER?

When.

Gotta get my priorities right
work on making myself happy
because
it certainly appears
theres no shining knight
whos gonna come and
help me make with the happy.
I've got to get
out of here
out of this rut.

Powers that be
please keep
these broken brothas
with all their issues
and ulterior motives
away
far away from me.

don't wanna keep
smacking my head up against this wall
writings on the proverbial wall
some of us visionaries
some of us
can't have
the romance
we slip into dreams of
can only watch others live the dream
a dream we are charged with protecting
(Irony at its finest)

Perhaps things might change
one day for me
but as of right now
I just don't think
I have it in me
to keep chasing after love.

Need to put that shit on hold
before I lose
whats left of my mind.

Taking the rest of the year off
diminishing the social media presence

Time to let myself mourn
so I can heal
then it'll be
time to pick up the pieces
time to move on
Bounce back
as they say.
Refocused
putting my energies where they can do some good
get this empire built
make this money
run after that which
so many believe is impossible.
Call me brave
call me stupid
call me determination
wrapped up in an often bewildered package
not programmed to forsake
the illogical ideaology
that I can do something great with my time here.
I doubt you could ever truly "get' me
man.
Crazy nerd
with big dreams
without a car to drive
without a body like yours.
They say he's (I'm) driven
in his consistency.
Some supernatural force guides him
they say
he's alittle off
but thats because he's an artist
(Can't you notice his shit is ACTUALLY getting
BETTER? Who would have thought it?)
and its funny
so many of them who believe in me
they're not even gay.
How much sense does that make?
On a mission here dude
keeps me up all night
hard to focus on much else
Its a shame I couldn't take you with me
It just be like that sometimes
Gotta keep keeping on
trying to patch these cuts
no strong arms to come and hold me in the night
so I make my own strength
while I look to the heavens
(Not so alone as it feels you know)
Strength fuels me
artists who came before
those yet to come
they talk to me
provides some comfort
giving wings
fast legs to outrun
more obstacles than you would ever know.
Smarter than you think
sharper than you realize
day will come when you will realize

You were wrong about me.
Was wrong about you
time to get right with
universal laws

Falling in line with who I am
even as the heart aches
recognizing some beauty within
even as the heart is broken
I'm building some confidence
while my army grows
the faith grows

Where there was numbness
it gave me the power to
run away
from all these
unreal distractions.

You were one of them.

And I can't afford to look back.
Won't lose myself
in your (empty/hungry) eyes
your words
or pleasures promised.

Time to be the change
to make the change happen
make some sense
thru this storm of
what I'm feeling
sort thru the emotional baggage
somebody else done messed with
at the airport
salvage something useful.

To do that you see
I gots ta run for awhile.

Please understand.

THE SUDDEN SHOCK OF UNSINGLENESS

I was seeing someone
up until recently.
Had to take a couple of trips to visit him
just to make sure
there was something there worth holding on to.
There wasn't.
I guess maybe somewhere in the future
far away in the future
I can
maybe forgive him
like I had to forgive myself
for being so stupid enough
to try and make something
out of something.
Truth is
I couldn't make him love me.
He said he loved me
but if he did
it was the most
unfeeling love I ever
never felt.
Only time we felt a connection was when he was inside me
and that aint enough to make me wanna stay.
There more to life than
good sex
followed by
long days of being alone
empty feeling conversations
one sided affections
so many things wrong with that picture
hard to believe
that I actually got used to that shit.
But when someone comes along
makes love to your mind
comes with some
good healing energy
and eyes that look
right at you
seeing the real you
its not hard to walk away from bullshit.
Funny that I made the decision to walk away
really walk away this time
like a month ago
you know?
He still calls
texts
facebooks
whatever.
I had to cut him off.
some pure primal instinct inside me
screamed
GET AWAY.
Then a few days before Valentines day
right when I'd just decided
this love thing
perhaps isn't for everyone
right then....
Coray came into my life.
It was
a sudden
shock
something that didn't even feel real.
I didn't know how to act.
This kind hearted
gorgeous man
he was interested in
ME???
Basically he made some sun come inside
despite it being all with the wind and raining outside.
And now I have embarked upon another one of my adventures
Well we have
he and me
because its not all about me anymore.
Of course dealing with all the guys I have before
it never was about me before.
I was but a means to an end.
I know it sounds cruel
but I'm simply telling it like it is.
Alot of these gay men
they don't respect love
when it walks up to them
they never really had it
so they don't even know what to do when
it walks right up
offering self
and some semblance of stability
(because two is waaaay better than ONE in this economy
in this day and age)
Some run away from it
Some try to hurt it
Mostly they end up rejecting you in the end
because most don't want no damn relationship.
Strange so many of us fought so hard to get married
when so many of us didn't care
since we already waded so far for so long in filth
it became the norm to us
wading in filth
lying
hypocrocy
religious (self) persecution
misdirected chaotic energy
raging
overflowing
confusion
yet that became the norm.
Sure I always knew it was gonna take a healed soul
to help heal me
from all that damage
(yeah like Mary said "I already know I'm fucked up)
and its easy to fall for someone like that
still I never gave it much thought
someone like that could love me
you know?
Not saying You are perfect Coray
still you are perfect for me.

Lord help me not to fuck this up.

The weekend came and went. It went by so fast. Actually time seems to have sped up these days. They say its like that when you get older. We are still trying to process the shooting that just happened I think. The streets seem colder and lonelier now. Somewhat foreboding. The guard I relieved said the previous shift was crazy because everyone is on edge. People are sad but people are mostly keeping it in even though you can see they're sad. I was thinking about going to the candlelight vigil they had at In the Meantime which is a black gay get together type of group. I used to go to In the Meantime but I stopped going partly because I didn't fit in and because of the location. The time the group was held meant I'd have to jump on the bus after an hour then head straight to work. I got a text from the group about a candlelight vigil being held. Considered going but I would have had to take an Uber or Lyft. Had to do some work on a script and that took longer than it should have because of my slow ass computer. Ended up having to catch a Lyft to work at the last minute. One of my associates said he wasn't going to any vigils. He's of the mind its just better/safer to stay home. Especially now the way things are. Crowded places with a lot of people could be trouble. Yesterday after I got home I saw on the news I'd narrowly avoided an incident at Hollywood and Highland which is where I catch the train at every morning after work. Police were on the site looking around because of some suspicious looking liquid they found. This type of thing seems to occur every so often but I think someone could be doing this stuff and testing to see what happens. They might even be taking notes you know? The guy who shot up the club Sunday morning in Orlando Florida (according to what I read on yahoo news) actually went to the gay club about a dozen times. He'd go there and have some drinks. He spoke to people and acted out sometimes after drinking. He was obviously casing the place. Probably building up his nerve for what He'd planned. And its creepy to know he used sites like Grindr or Adam4Adam. I have used Adam4Adam many times over the years and met some decent people here and there but there are some really bad elements of gay society on that site. Like I said there are some nice folks sprinkled here and there but there are so many fake profiles. People from other countries asking for money. People asking you to "be generous" with them if you wanna get with them (which is kinda like being a prostitute in my opinion) Then theres the nasty ass and dick photos people have in their profiles. Often even as the profile photo. That's just nasty and so many gay men act like theres absolutely nothing wrong with showing off photos like that even if its not their own privates in the pic.

So the guy was possibly struggling with his sexuality and maybe he just couldn't deal with it. And he snapped partially due to it. Sometimes when people hate gays so much its because they are secretly experiencing these feelings themselves. I remember how uncomfortable I was when dealing with my gayness initially but I educated myself and came to terms with it over time. So I dealt with my coming out logically. There is no logic whatsoever in taking a gun and mowing down a bunch of complete strangers because you hate what you are and please don't give me that shit about "GOD told you to do it" If you can't prove to me some deity in fact gave you a command then I don't believe you and you're just full of shit. Or mental. These deities you worship (if they really exist) have been around much longer than you or anyone else and it makes no sense they need you to do anything for them. You think they couldn't whip up another flood if gay people pissed them off so much? No they don't need you. You need to feel important or a part of something. You need attention or you've simply been brainwashed into buying into another of mankinds great lies.

Dudes father has a tv show that's taped here in Cali. He said he was against what his son did. Supposedly months ago the kid saw some gay men kissing and it really pissed him off. His father told him that God would eventually punish the gays for what they are doing. Punish us for what? Punish us for daring to love each other? Yeah some of us are disgusting scum with no morals or self respect but the same can be said of straight people. For someone who is supposedly so terrible there are some truly awesome gay people who have contributed great things to our society as a whole. Music,art,dance,inventions,medicine,literature. Anyone with common sense should eventually start to question anything that they cannot see with their own eyes or prove. Folks get so caught up in this religious crap and it destroys them from within. It cripples their ability to think for themselves. It punishes those who dare to stray and stifles creativity at times. Yes it does keep some people from going too far with their evilness but its probably safe to say religion isn't for everyone. These are just things people made up to help them make sense of whats out there. Or who is out there. For the record I do not believe we are alone but I do believe most of us have it all WRONG.

The shooters name is Omar and its freaky how much he looks like a Hispanic guy I recently dated. I dreamed about him yesterday too. Things were cool with us at first and I was wondering if something special would come out of us.... It was a pretty bad situation that took place in Detroit. Mostly it was a misunderstanding and an attempt I think to manipulate me. It was a freaky situation because I really liked this guy but he will never know because I had to cut him loose for trying to sabotage one of my film shoots. He almost did truthfully. Anyway Omar beat his ex wife. She said he was abusive....bipolar and that there was just something wrong with him. Some of his former co-workers described him as having a temper and he was on the FBI's list of possible problems but I guess they never really had anything to pin on him and they obviously can't predict the future so THAT happened. We may never really know what was going on with this guy. Although Isis is now saying they are behind it. Could be they just wanna take credit for it. That's what Obama believes. He says it was a homegrown act. But it is strange that this man picked up the phone and called authorities to pledge his allegiance with the terror group before he went back inside. He took hostages too. Thankfully the swat team blew up portions of the bathroom walls to extract the people trapped and they were able to take him down. Theres an eerie video a girl made on her phone probably just seconds before getting shot. Also one incredibly handsome brother managed to text his mom right before the gunman entered the restroom where he and others were hiding. As I type this the anger washes all over me again that so many promising young lives were taken so needlessly by such a fucking coward. I wish Obama would straight up ban guns but there would be a fight. NRA and the right to bear arms you know.

People were lined up for hours in Orlando to give blood (for the victims of the shooting). There was an issue with some gay and bi men donating blood. Seems the law there is that you can't give blood unless you haven't had sex for a year. Just in case of STD. Meanwhile here in Cali the mood is weird. We just had gay pride weekend but now of course no one feels like celebrating anything. Its all surreal. Katy Perry tweeted "I just can't believe that this is the world we live in" There was a police presence here on the job earlier. Everyone was constantly on their guard. No one could really sit down and it was quite intense. That's what the guard I relieved told me. They want us to be in the parking lot often. Make ourselves visible you know? If they want guards walking around outside at night they should hire two per building for safety. That's what I would do. I'm sure we're gonna see some changes in procedures now. What I do not get is how did the guy get inside the club with a gun? At the Catch One club years ago when I'd go they would wand us down at the door to make sure there were no weapons. So maybe people need to (just like at airports) empty their pockets and let everything go thru an Xray machine before entering. Then they need to stand in a booth that Xrays them before they can come in to get their stuff out of a tray. Come to think of it they do this in courts and govt buildings too. Its gonna take a long time to get in the clubs and the lines will be long but this is simply another freedom we're gonna have to sacrifice all in the name of security. Either that or everyone will be walking around paranoid and afraid to go out anywhere. Obama has had to deal with 14 shootings like this since in office. Its like someone is trying to tear him down or something but I don't see how he's gonna come out of his presidency without doing something radical to end these shootings. The proverbial writing is on the wall.

I guess you could say the last few days have been epic. As much as people like to throw that word around I can think of no other to sum up recent events. And as sleepy as I am I will still do my best to convey my thought processes. This morning I took a LYFT home from work. (LYFT is one of those taxi-like services like UBER only hella cheaper than actual taxis or cabs cost. Example....last night I was running late to work because my usual train didn't go all the way to Highland and so I had to catch a taxi which thank the gods was parked out front when I exited the train station on Hollywood & Vine. The taxi cost like 7 and some change. I put a 2 dollar tip but a LYFT would have only cost $5.00. $7.00 if I gave a $2.00 tip. Now before LYFT and UBER became a thing a tax ride would have cost like $10.00 plus tips but they lowered prices in order to compete. Yay for consumers right?) So anyways I caught the LYFT home and had one of those non-talkative types. Ended up giving him 3 stars on the App when I got home. When I got in they were talking about some shooting on KCRW that had happened in Orlando. I was curious and turned on the Xbox One then went to the ABC news App to see what was going on. Boy was I in for a shock. 50 people dead and 53 wounded at a nightclub in Orlando. The was a tearful mother crying and talking about her son who she was still looking for and footage of people leaving the club covered in blood and some helping carry their wounded friends from the area. Man/woman I was trying so hard to take all this in and just feeling the anger building up inside. All I could think really was how sick and tired I am of these crazy radical people who keep doing all these shootings as they gradually cause our governments to strip us of our privacy among other things. But what gets me is why the hell doesn't the god you worship do something about us as gay people as a whole if he or she has such a problem with us? Of course the answer is simple to any fool able to think logically. God or the gods or whoever obviously has no problem with anyone and they certainly do not need anyone to go out and get a gun and appoint themselves as spokespersons. Why would any deity need that? Then again you have mentally ill folks running around....running away from themselves and they act out this frustration shit on us instead of finding constructive solutions to their issues. Worst they get influenced by some madman with a religious cause. My opinion is a lot of people just wanna fuck shit up anyway and they use the religion as an excuse for acting out. I was so disgusted and upset by everything I saw on the news I wasn't able to go to sleep until somewhere around noon. Normally I am asleep by around 8am-ish.

Woke up around 7pm-ish and noticed someone had left me a voicemail about something that happened in Weho. I was like "Ugh not another one" so I turned on the tv but the reception was soooooo bad on ABC although I did see some people in drag being interviewed about something that happened. Turned on the WiiU and went straight to yahoo.com then it was there I saw that a young white guy had gotten apprehended by cops. They took some guns and stuff for explosives from his car. Apparently he'd been planning to go to gay pride to fuck up some shit today but someone called the cops on his ass after seeing him prowling around. I was dragging so bad because my brain was struggling to get back online I ended up taking a LYFT in to work after running to the golden arches for two of their $5.00 items. A fish sandwich and some (is it really) chicken nuggets. Came in here and was told to go outside to count the trucks in the lot as well as to stay present in the lot. Like I don't already do that. Okay. So as a result of what happened we are on extra alert. Gotta say all these years I have worked here I am surprised some fool hasn't tried something crazy. I remember years ago when I had to stand outside in front of the village building (I do security for the LGBT center) I'd always be thinking in my mind some moron is just gonna drive by, yell fag and throw rocks at me or worse but thankfully nothing ever happened. One of the other guys who worked here said he used to think the same thing.  I have heard stories from some of the guards. Straight guards mind you. People would drive by and throw things at the glass doors and yell faggit. One of the straight women who works here said she was standing in line at a store and I guess the guy saw here LGBT staff shirt and said "I hate gay people". That just seems so ironic to me. But just because someone works for a LGBT organization doesn't mean they are in fact gay. This is a cool company to work for with great benefits. How the hell can you be mad at someone because of where they work anyway? Madness.

So more info on the Orlando shooting has started to surface. It was a young man of middle eastern descent. Handsome but angry and his ex said he was abusive. Mentally ill and that he also beat her. Apparently he 'd called the cops and pledged allegiance to ISIS before he went off on his shooting spree in the club. The other guy who tried to go shooting in Weho was an angry looking white kid. I could tell by looking at his photo that something wasn't quite right about dude. I dunno. Are these guys secretly gay and this is how they deal with the conflicting emotions that can come with this realization and inability to process who they are in a society that will never completely accept them? I think many of us are traumatized in some way. I have had some truly fucked up shit happen to me in my life. I have had true villains smile in my face and even sleep in my bed and break bread with me then turn around and literally stab me so matter of factly then never show any remorse for their actions. As a result its tough for me at times to be around people. I try to stick to myself as much as I can as I simply do not trust people anymore. Gay people. Straight people. Other black people. Crazy entitled white people who just don't know how to channel their own dis-satistfaction with life. So they turn on someone else they deem somehow responsible for their grief. So my thoughts on people is that despite all the good and wonder thay can achieve many are just DANGEROUS because its so easy for them to hurt each other instead of you know offering a hug which is something I've not had in a good while. Yes I have done some bad things in my life but ultimately I am a good person with morals who values life. Even life of the truly despicable. So therin lies proof I still have some of my humanity left in this world which seems intent on taking it from me.  Been hurt. Been treated badly as if I was some walking disease. The pain was so great then can the realization I felt better about myself working nights,throwing myself into my art and working nights, keeping people at a distance as I strive to heal my mind. I try not to even dwell upon the kind of person I'd be had it not been for the few people who believe in me or the comic books,videogames or friendly animals that helped instill in me a strong sense of truth justice and awe of life. It is because I see that some never had such positive reinforcements in their lives that I try to not rush to judge them so harshly even after they have done such terrible things. Still the reality some won't accept is that there are some we cannot save. If we didn't believe that on some levels police and soldiers wouldn't be allowed to kill.

Friday we filmed some pick up scenes for a Sins of Legend episode that should be coming out next month. I had some footage already shot a few months back but decided there was something missing so Friday we shot what is basically supplemental footage. Its important footage though because some of it will directly impact what happens in the SonsofLegend full length film I'm doing with the blessing of Uwe Boll. This is something I have kept mostly secret till now except from people within my circle. I had one actor text me Thursday to say he had been booked on something else. Personally I think he just flaked but I was able to replace him with another cool actor who kinda favored him. Now another actor ended up flaking as well. He is a very handsome middle eastern guy struggling with a turbulent love life and a general lack of direction in his life. It was my goal to have him portray a very important character in the SOL film after introducing him in this Sins episode but since he wasn't responding to my calls or emails I had no choice but to replace him or risk standing around on filming day waiting for him not to show up. It just so happened I had another actor on standby who'd initially said he wanted to be in the shoot then he said he couldn't. I actually replaced him with the actor who looked like the actor I needed a replacement for. Yeah I know its confusing. So I told due since he said he was unable I replaced him but since my middle eastern dude wasn't responding to my calls he could have his role. A main actor had me worried because he also never replied to any of my emails requesting his confirmation vai a reply. He also didn't pick up or return my calls. At the last minute he showed up just as me and another actor were going over an alternative scene we'd planned to shoot. Had to rush off to my job to get a mandatory TB test result but they were able to film a scene without me being there. They couldn't really wait and I'd gotten stuck in traffic on the way back with Louiezilla (Editor and sound guy). We grabbed pizza for everyone as well so that contributed to the hold-up.  Our original cinematographer (Jessica) had canceled as she'd been booked on a big production at the last minute. Ended up using Robert who is working with me on my LGBT short film for next year. (We already shot some scenes at his house which is also where we shot on Friday) Robert is hella cheaper than Jessica and his camera equipment is nearly equal so there shouldn't be a noticeable difference when we combine the footage. Rob used to put out his own webseries called "The bratty anti-Christ". Eventually we're gonna do a cross-over with DragonManx. I have some crazy ideas! The day was looong especially since I'd not slept the night before. Some caffeine helped but man I was so sleepy I kept nodding off in the car on the way home when Louiezilla was talking to me about his recent house selling adventure. The scenes were one involving the character Angkor having a revealing argument with the girl he's seeing whom he had been lying to and the other scene involved DragonManx showing up to drop of a potential Sins recruit who needs some direction in his life. We filmed from 10am till about 6pm-ish. What started out as a nice cool overcast day turned into a HOT sun blasted ordeal. But there was food. Since Rob is cheaper I had more moolah to spend on food and beverages for everyone. Also it wasn't that big of a deal having to pay folks more when we went over on their time. I paid some in checks but I'm gonna regret that soon because I need to order more checks since I accidentally washed a bunch of them over a week ago. Paid some folks via paypal which is such a great convenience even though theres a 3 day wait for processing. It feel good to not be completely broke after a shoot. Gotta get back to spending like $500.00-$600.00 per episode like it was in the old days. It feels good to know another episode is done though. Probably gonna film right up till august then gonna give myself a break so I can start saving money to move. Whats next is putting together a shoot for Detroit later this month (and one in August that I will likely attend as a birthday gift to self). Gotta get more shirts made and some jackets. Need to get the soundtracks done for these projects which is gonna involve hiring some local and not so local talent! Of particular interest to me is a young very hungry rapper from London and a composer who lives in Kansas(?) Then theres the Detector Pig cartoon,some comic book plans and a videogame project. But this stuff is likely for 2017. My four webseries will return to Youtube refreshed and semi-rebooted with four new episodes later this year so somebody is gonna be pretty busy. I think its safe to say goodbye to whatever semblance of a love life one might have had although The Crazy African says he's visiting in July....

(At work listening to Accoustic Soul playlist on spotify)

11:25pm

"Whenever the warrior goes into battle he or she realizes it could be the last and they will never underestimate the enemy. They will show no weakness and learn from any mistakes....quickly"


I woke up today with alot on my mind as usual. Brushed the teeth. Showered. Ate a couple of chicken hot dogs with ketchup and mustard on em after microwaving them. Of course I didn't make the mistake of microwaving the bread again like I did yesterday. That makes the bread hard and definitely not enjoyable to eat. Watched Deadpool via amazon streaming thru my Xbox 360 slim. Thats the newer one I got that works alot better than the older one I only keep because it still allows me to access my downloaded characters (Shuma and Jill) for Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom. I usully play that game at least every other night with this guy I've known for years named Chris who beats me most of the time because he always picks cheap overpowered characters that are almost impossible to beat. My favorite charaqcters are Shuma,Ryu,Hulk and Ghostrider. I also like Storm and the little red winged demon guy from ghosts and ghouls. Rocket Raccoon and the ghost chick with the long claws (from Darkstalkers) get honorable mention. So after watching most of Deadpool I decided to fire up the Crunchyroll app on the 360 to watch the rest of an episode of Naruto I'd started earlier. Naruto is the first and only cartoon to actually make me cry on a number of occasions. Naruto is basically the story of an obnoxious little ninja guy who has alot of power and potential. Naruto came from nothing and because he was different he never really fit in anywhere. He was always the outcast no one wanted anything to do with. I have alot in common with Naruto. Like him I always knew I what I wanted and for the most part always believed in myself even if most others never really looked beneath the surface. Under that sometimes insecure and outrageous coating there lies a powerful,emotional,loyal and resourceful individual with much to offer. So much untapped potential too. I don't remember alot about my childhood but if I focus I can recall some of it. I was a pretty out there kid. Now that I think of it I was quite talented/gifted yet for the most part no one around me had the training or time to really help me. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if there'd been someone there to help guide me. Instead I had to learn the hard way how to live being an overly emotional,somewhat hyper artistically inclined genuis. But I didn't become a super villain because I had some people who believed in me and most of all I had my window into the world of the unbelievable to help instill in me a purpose of helping others and believing in the good in this world. That window was my "voice of GOD" That window was....comic books. So I lived in this world you live in but was never completely living in this world you live in. So a part of me (I think) missed out on learning some things. Its my explanation for some erratic behavior or maybe its just common sense not to get too comfortable around other people because I have seen what they can do. Maybe. Getting back to Naruto.... This cartoon like many others has given me a chance to escape this crazy life. Much of the time it has given me some truly laugh out loud moments. Especially those moments when Naruto manages to get involved in some zany antics with some of the other characters. Although the cartoon; like later entries to the Harry Potter films/books, has gotten increasingly dark and ULTRA serious. Sometimes I really worry for the characters. Still its nowhere as bad as Game of Thrones where if you do root for any one character you can best believe they are most certainly living on borrowed time. The characters on Walking Dead aren't safe either as we recently found out (ahem). It was almost time for me to go to work during my little Naruto marathon but I still found the time to call Robert. Robert is gonna be directing my two upcoming film shoots. He's also the DP for my first indie film "Return of the stolen wings" I'd asked Robert to go get some comics for me because it was free comic book day. He sent me an email of the books he got for me. At first I thought the email was gonna be saying he hadn't been able to get any for me but that wasn't the case. He was gonna go take his girlfriend to work then pick up some books on the way but she ended up not going to work or something. Anyway he was able to get about ten books for me and he sent a pic of what he picked up. Gonna have some good reading material for next week. Gonna miss the weekly 99 cent Injustice comic downloads on my kindle when the series ends with season 5.

I'd asked one of my co-workers in the morning if he was gonna go get any comics and he said no. I asked him if he had any friends he could ask to get some books and he said nope. Then I was like "You mean to tell me out of everybody you know in this big old city theres absolutely NO one you can call upon to ask to grab some free books for you for free comic book day?" To which he replied. No. I guess thats when it really hit me that things are not the way they used to be. Or is it just how it is here in Cali? A bunch of people you have in your life who ain't about nothing,ain't tryin to go nowhere or do nothin for noboy but themselves. We got into a conversation about how crazy and racist society can be and how he thinks there should be some reparations for black folks since the Native Americans got some assistance. My argument was these people were almost wiped out! And while we're talking about pressing issues I still have no idea who I'm voting for as the next President. Hillary seems sometimey and Trump is nuts. The Crazy African says Trump is Hitler. Never in history has one presidential candidate gotten so much hate where his press events are met with straight up violence. His campaign has been a circus. Come to think of it this whole thing has been a circus. Hillary has been in the news for her emails that were said to contain sensitive information. She's also said to have recieved ALOT of money for her campaign. I have heard some bad things about Bernie Sanders but I did some research on him. He was there during the civil rights movement and was even arrested for protesting against segregation. He is very gay friendly and a strong supporter of womens rights regarding abortions,paternal leave and universal healthcare. Bernie also campaigns for rights to privacy against surviellance. Forget what I said about not knowing who to vote for....!

So me and my co-worker got to talking about black folks and latinos in regard to religious manipulation of the masses and how crazy black folks are when it comes to homophobia. The homophobia in question was spawned out of what happened in a recent episode of "Empire" which is a popular tv show dealing with a rich black family who run a musical dynasty.  There was a kiss in a scene with two black men and the internet broke. Well twitter did. Sorta. People are sooooo damn angry. Death threats and faggot this and faggot that. I said its just amazing that a people so discriminated against can trun arund and do the same thing to others. My co-worker said thats what happens when you turn the minorities against each other. Uneducated and religious bible thumpers. He blames white folks and I kept thinking about how there were africans who actually participated in the slave trade. Its that ugly part of our history that no one wants to talk about. I swear as much harm as the white man has done to us black folks have become just as dangerous and scary to me. In my lifetime I have seen how terrible we treat each other. Theres a sense of hostility and distrust. When I see another black man on the street we both avoid eye contact. We usually look away. Most of the time when I see a group of black folks my red flag goes up because of past experiences. They will laugh at you because of how you're dressed. Stare at you and sometimes just start singing some lyrics of a rap song REALLY loud when they walk by. (What is THAT all about?) If they drive by in a car you will get stared at or just insulted. I can't speak for anyone else but these are my experiences. In the train/station I run across black folks smoking. Often times talking loud and being ghetto. If its a group of black men together some will go out of their way to be obnoxious probably because they feel brave in a group. Now I know we are not all like this but I just gotta get away from these niggas because thats what they are. As much as I hate to use that word Hakim was right when he used it to describe that ugly undesirable sect of our community. Its because of them that women speed up,slow down,speed up walking clutching their purses scared to get in the elevator with us and cops drive by slowly profiling or just stop us because we look "suspicious". As a black gay man I love black men but like a snake I know theres always that 50/50 chance that snake might try to bite me. Its a strange place to be when you realize as much as you love and understand your brother you probably will be happier away from him and his destructive ways or unwillingness to grow.

*
You hurt me
so many times
I let you back in
things were cool for a sec
then you
returned to
how you used to be
mean
grouchy
took me for granted
straight up took advantage
threw me to the gutter
and a year later
you tried to reach out to me again
(bro I let you live with me! How could you???)
Take the money and run
with it
because I'm done with you.
Maybe oneday I can forgive you
but I'm not there yet.
You single handedly
crushed
and halted
the direction of my art!
You must feel so proud
knowing you're so damn POWERFUL
to do that shit
to somebody who really loved you.
You got away with it.
YOU WON
SHOWED ME WHO'S BOSS
broke my heart
took me a whole year to bounce back,
GOD knows its been quite a year!
But you will never get another chance
to take a bite out of my spirit
(That was such a parasitic thing to do)
Now go and be at peace
somewhere.
Else.

But please
Whatever you do
just....
leave me in peace

We owe each other nothing.
*


Its about time for a cup of coffee and I still have alot on my mind. Most of it revolves around how I am gonna need to change how I do my art so that I can have a life thats not always about obsessing over my art. You know? On my off days I gotta take more time to play. At work or on workdays I can devote most of my time to this art and its business side so that I won't feel overwhelmed. I gotta make sure that theres more balance in my life. Gotta make sure theres more money left to actually LIVE and live healthier as opposed to this starving artist lifestyle. (Yes I am bouncing back from a bad place mentally). As time passes I am growing more aware of things I have missed or neglected because I was doing my art or as they say doing me. Working on me. Trying to become some person I thought others would respect or accept. Theres nothing wrong with wanting acceptance but as cliche' as it sounds I think you reach a point when you really get comfortable with being who you are and its not such a big deal what those other folks think. I guess what I am saying is you get to where that big person you wanna impress is yourself. So now its time for me to finally go home. Like the warrior coming out of the wilderness after that pilgrimage every warrior must take.  I'm not perfect by any means but I'm doing alright because in spite of it all I can still hold my head up. Most of the time.

1:32am

Secret Savior

When you came
it was like something out of a dream
secret hip hop lover
who came to save me from
this disbelief in all my brothers.
You came to hold me
warm soft yet hard at the same time
dark brown ebony power
from a whole other continent.
Who are you
Who is this man?
I'd often ask watching you snoring next to me
this miracle
who defied the odds to find this me.
All the others
the don't even look twice at me
when I walk by on the street
because I don't have
that perfect form
a car
or that rough street edge
(or pretend to have it)
What I have is me
and for so long
it wasn't good enough
for so long I started to think
maybe they were right.
But that wasn't you
we made eye contact and
the plug went right into the socket
and the light came on
to chase away at least enough of the darkness
so these eyes could make out this light.