Confessions of a sad superhero book 136

Sometimes I'm pretty brutal with myself when it comes to my mental health. Like I know I have issues and I get mad at myself until I realize...well I realize the more I examine things the more it makes sense I do have issues and I become aware of the miracle I'm still surviving despite what others might feel or think about me. I mean just now I witnessed a truck of people park behind a food establishment and then a girl got out screaming whilst she pulled down her pants and peed right there in the parking lot as someone opened a vehicle door to try and sorta conceal the girl I guess. Its all more of the stupid and just downright nasty behavior that I see working in this area. So much of the nasty shit I see people doing these days is from trans women or regular women for the record.  Back in the day it was men and that was when there were literally clubs next door to the property. Then there's this senior person who lives onsite whom I see frequently sitting watching tv in their living room area making loud noises like a horse as he's viewing the tv and nope there are no horses anywhere in sight on whatever program he's watching. Then there's one of my co-workers who I am convinced is certified psycho. The other night I asked him about why he always leaves the cord to our cellphone on the floor and he was all incredulous about it and tried to deflect it as if I'm crazy for asking why it happens since I'm always the one who picks it up. Hell one co-worker used to put his entire gym bag inside the fridge in the kitchen. He stopped though. Maybe someone said something? I just thought that was out there. Anyway the same dude who put the cord on the floor asked me tonight just out of the blue if I had OSD or OCD or whatever and if I always wants things neat. Maybe this was because of the cord and the fact our supervisor wrapped it in tape and stuck it on the desk so it would stay off the floor. Perhaps he thought it was me that did that? Dude often doesn't respond on the radio when I call out during my patrols of the areas I have secured. Sometimes he goes long periods of time without calling out on patrol or he call out patrol of areas I can clearly see he hasn't gone to yet. Also, he constantly leaves the parking gate unlocked which is a big problem especially since my stuff got stolen last year when someone casually strolled inside here. I'll be having a conversation with a co-worker and he will just invite himself in and then theres a tendency to copy things I do which I have noticed other folks do at times. Not really sure what thats all about. I take a day off. You take a day off. I come to work early and use the conference room for podcast taping and you try and do the same thing. You see a vendor give me a donut and you want the same thing. Now dude doesn't give me donuts as often. He will sometimes micromanage me too like if I come back from patrol he will stall at the desk before rotation but when he comes back (often ahead of time) he will be insistent on taking the desk right away even if he can clearly see I am in the middle of something. Other guards I worked with would do the same thing. Sometimes I forget something and have to run back up after i come back to rotate. They do the same thing. I have even caught one guard adjusting his schedule after he saw me booking flights for a vacation. Cord dude even stood nonchalantly over my shoulder reading what I was writing in my blog one night. Now I'm not a nosey person and really try to stay out of folks business but I wonder why am I like I am and some others are so damn nosey. Its true we all learn from observing others but some take it too far. It just feels like people are stealing something from me while at the same time they just treat me some kind of way. Why do I have such weird relations with people? In some cases maybe its on me but I refuse to take the blame completely. People are just a trip is my takeaway from all this. I have said this before that it can be difficult to heal your person from toxicity when you are constantly around it. Ask me again why people get on my nerves so much of the time. I try to be patient but sometimes it really is best to simply stay to yourself and speak only when spoken to. I know everyone has certain ways and have seen other guards have issues with each other but man do I keep getting paired with some characters. I can't even imagine what folks might be saying about me and I have been accused of trying to be "the ideal worker" yet the truth of the mater is I do appreciate the job/benefits I have even if its not perfect and I believe its too dangerous to let ourselves get too relaxed working in this facility. Also its not hard for me to think about how miserable I was when I was broke and jobless...

A few people have said I am addicted to ordering stuff from Amazon. This is probably true to a degree but one reason I like to shop online is because of anxiety. Sometimes when I go to the supermarket those stupid anti-theft alarms go off and I figured it was likely because of my bus pass or the electronic card we use to scan doors open at work yet I've become so self-conscious about going to the market and security watching me suspiciously it has become a real battle of willpower for me to even go to pick up a few things so yeah with Amazon I don't have to deal with that. 

So I got work started on the cover for the 1st issue of SonsOfLegend which will be largely the material our short film will be based on. I mean some stuff will be in the film but obviously, as the series goes on there will be some changes. I just think I can get away with more crazy stuff and elaborate action scenes than I could in live action. The comics from the Kickstarter campaign are getting printed and I asked how much it would cost me personally to print out some and the cost was surprisingly reasonable. Also Nerds With Badges will start back filming next month when I take a short vacation. Actually have everyone lined up or scheduled who will be in the new episode. So the elephant in the room is when will I start with getting apparel done as some folks have expressed interest in the hats or shirts. As for the cartoon we are still struggling to get storyboards done. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement but I may have someone. Not sure if I mentioned this before. Its a lady but I had to put here on pause because I needed more time to raise the money to pay her. Because I just can't do the whole being BROKE until the next paycheck thing anymore. Its good to pour money into projects and the occasional luxury item purchase but money management is one of the most important things in life to learn. I'm getting better at it too. After Feb I will be pausing on buying anything that isn't a necessity. At least I'll have my tax return to help me out though especially since my apartment will be getting a serious overhaul next month... Its time. Tired of looking at...chaos. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 135

 Book of Dreams: Jan 2024 Edition.

In some of these the details are sparce because I either got up and quickly jotted down stuff at the moment or later as it was fading (or perhaps I was just half asleep...)

As you can see (below) my mind has been working overtime lately for some reason.

1.24.2024

Me, my cousins Juny and Johnzilla were being held hostage by a homicidal family of white brothers. They had guns on us and everyone was frozen in place. I couldn't take it anymore so I bolted and ran. My cousins then started to fight back taking advantage of the distraction. I ran outside to hide under what looked to be a wire frame for a mattress(?) I was seen laying there and hiding by one of the brothers. He was laughing at me. Juny jumped him at that moment then I ran. I looked back to see he was fighting Juny but I wasn't sure who was winning but fearing for the worst. I ran to a house after climbing a fence in what was now a snow covered landscape.  A white family took pity on me. They were all very well dressed. I think I overheard one of them say how much they hated the family after me. I was near a door talking with this guy who stood guard at the house entrance with a rifle. We saw one of the brothers run by the window and dude signaled for me to go. When I found a black dark skinned woman maid in a kitchen area (I think) and asked for help calling the police she started going on saying something about my skin being lite bright. 

1.23.2024

I was in a car with a brother then afterwards driving a car next to him. He was in a red car. Seemed sorta annoyed I was driving (his car?) because he was kinda shaking his head and covering his face. Also I was painstakingly preparing to go to school. Not sure how I'd fare in class and just dreading being in the building. The car looked familiar.

1.21.2024

Me and Lymonicus met a cute guy at some super market and he was leaving with us. I was driving my own car but reluctant to drive back from where we were. In the dream I recalled how nervous I was when Brianopolis made me drive all the way back from Venice. 😭

1.15.2024

Was listening to a live Teena Marie concert and she was talking to a little girl. The audience laughed during certain parts.

1.14.2024

Makes a candy covered apple in some kind of fryer.

1.13.2024

Was in a car riding as an earthquake happened. It was pretty intense.  Not a small one at all.

1.12.2024

Was spending some time with my sister Fatisha.

1.10.2024

Intense flying dream and I woke up in the dream levitating over a table with a bunch of wine bottles on it. I carefully concentrated then came down in a somewhat controlled yet a bit of a clumsy fashion. Knocked over a few bottles but I didn't fall completely on the table. More in a kinda propped up fashion.

1.8.2024

Was riding on a bus? There were other people and I was talking about how much I miss how simple life used to be as we went through my Grandma Mary's neighborhood.

1.7.2024

Was in this spacious state of the art house after buying junk food from a store. Candy and a cookie. The house belonged to Orange Dre and his mother Roqamae. I was worried about settling off alarms when I opened the door which was unlocked. I wanted to do a video for social media but was worried it might entice some thieves to try to break in after they saw how dope the place was.

1.7.2024

A brown skinned brother with a slim athletic build and low hair cut was on me and doing these sexual gyrating movements.

1.5.2024

Steven Smith was in this dream and I dropped/lost a coin in water.

1.2.2024

Dancing like Michael Jackson and dressed like him with high water pants and Ali (former guard) was there.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 134

 I was able to binge watch and finish a show I've been following faithfully over the years called "Legacies". The show revolves around Hope a young woman with vampire /werewolf/witch lineage who is attending a school for young folks with supernatural abilities. Of course, this situation results in many crazy and dangerous (sometimes funny) adventures. As the show neared its finale Hope unlocked her full potential but the trauma of that experience caused her to "switch off" her humanity. This basically turned her into a Dark Phoenix type individual. For all intents and purposes a godlike being with nary a moral code in place to temper her interaction with others. I think on some level my own "switch" activated when I faced trauma from things in my life. Losing a sister. Losing an aunt. Drama at work. Covid. Problems with projects. Money issues. The brother who has disappeared from my life...all of these things and more and then came the biggie...or the proverbial straw...losing the connection I had with a certain person at my job who I really was in love with but it was what is commonly called unrequited. Or as they say "He just wasn't that into you" I realize I made a mistake that fateful day when I invited dude into my place. It never should have gone to that. So yeah I take responsibility for all that happened between us. I take responsibility for choosing to not speak to him anymore because of the realization there would be no future with me and this man. Probably could have been weekend lovers but it just messes with me knowing the person I'm with would rather have me as "the side chick". Ain't nobody got time for that. Well maybe some of ya'll do but...thats kinda nasty when you really think about it. Sometimes in life you have to walk away from a situation because you see that train coming. Sometimes as Aretha put it...it hurts like hell. So sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to do what is right. 

As time goes by I find myself coming back to myself gradually. Dreaming more. (Often of home and family. Visiting the old neighborhoods) Thinking more on things important to me. Family. Friends. The time we have left on this plane together. Plans of travel. Better focus on finances and careful planning for diet/health stuff. Splurging (within reason!) Speaking of splurging I was able to get a 43-inch 4K tv as a holiday gift to myself.  The next big thing I wanna get is a 4K disc player. After that the luxury purchases are gonna come to a screeching halt because I gotta figure out whats what with me getting some storage. Not gonna rely too much on crowdfunding for projects so money has to be set aside for productions. So when I made the decision to not date for like forever that was me turning off my "humanity switch" as a survival mechanism for sure and it was extreme yet the irony is I do need to take myself out of circulation for awhile because I'm not ready to be seeing anyone. I think its safe to say I need to disappear myself at least for the rest of 2024 and work on all the things important to me. Things that make me happy. Yeah I do think of sex and I can fantasize with "self interaction" but the desire to even be with anyone...well it feels...these things are taking energy away from other things that mean more in the grand scheme of my life. Not gonna lie. There are times it feels a poison has spread thru my body because of chemical changes and its reminding me to take better care of my body. Help my body process this shit you know? I said all that to say its time for me to get my ass in a gym or something. Where do the harmful toxins go when they're not being released? Nowhere. They just stay inside YOU. Also moving out of the US...well that inclination has become a thing...again. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 133

 The New Year is here and its already feeling newer no pun intended. In some ways things are still the same though. People are still fighting and killing each other and I think we waste time on so many things while giving little attention to the things that really matter the most. Earlier in the day I was on Instagram and clicked on one of those videos with a warning about how the content was disturbing and I saw two men fighting and one of the men fell right off the train platform into the path of an oncoming train. Dude never had a chance. How many people die needlessly every five minutes and even witnessing something like that have we become numb to this? Sometimes I feel that my brain is trying to process so much at any given time its no wonder I've been finding myself feeling just...exhausted so much of the time. I get up...I go to work and then I'm right back at home again. I try to squeeze in time to do the things I really enjoy you know...watching tv, playing some games and then you gotta eat, shower, buy groceries. Try to squeeze in time to do the laundry. Squeeze in the time to call some peeps. Do some business. And we have just two days to recover from it all then we're right back into the routine. I had an interesting talk with an Uber driver tonight about how in his country (Iran) 40+ years ago their president wanted to give people four-day work weeks and the US played a big role in that not happening. We talked about the big homeless problem here in LA and how money and resources are being funneled elsewhere while here...we have so many problems to fix. We talked about all the rich and powerful Jews and Persian Jewish who own so much and could be doing so much more with their power as far as changing things. We talked about how some folks have so much money and power they control EVERYTHING. Politics. Law enforcement. Media coverage and how the public perceives certain things. We talked also about how so many people walk around not really giving a damn about whats going on in the world around them. People don't wanna get involved with politics or whats going on in their government and some refuse to vote. If they even know who their leaders are. Its always refreshing to connect intellectually with another person you know? With me its not always videogames, comic books, and superpowers. Even though folks outside looking in get that and some want to change me I have always been that multifaceted intellectual yet quirky individual trying to use what he has to survive in this ever-changing and complicated world we live in. Most will never see that. They will never see past my skin or social awkwardness but perhaps with the words I write here future generations will get a better picture of this man that I am...this man who is like Captain America a superhero twisted by fate and circumstance into something much greater to survive. I feel like Cap who woke up to find he was in a world that had changed so much he could barely recognize it from how it used to be. No matter how wonderous this world can be at times with all the marvels and advancements I can't help but at times wish I could go back to simpler times.

Finally caved in and got myself a bigger tv. Its a 43-inch TCL 4K 2023 smart tv. My Xbox Series S looks REALLY good on it. Its too bad my internet is so janky because its a struggle to stream 4K content. Still what with how crazy these companies are getting with digital content there has been some sort of movement to revive the physical media format even as some store chains are cutting that shelf space. Some companies remove your digital purchases over time for a variety of reasons. This has been getting more and more press recently. Folks who bought movies and games digitally going back to find out they can no longer access the content that they paid for. Been there do that and hated it. So I guess it really is a good time for me to be thinking about getting me a stand alone 4K disc player for my new tv. After I get my player that will be the end of most luxury spending for me as I move closer to production on SonsOfLegend. This was to originally be a short but I've decided I wanna do a full length project. This will bring me back into the realm of crowdfunding to raise the money and its something I feel confident in now that I saw the success of the kickstarter to fund my Dragonmanx comicbook. So much of my time and resources and concentration will be on this film for awhile I think its safe to say. But it feels good to be moving towards something. Much better than spending time thinking about dating or so overwhelmed by things going on that my mind feels numbed some times from it all. I honestly believe I am done with dating and a love life. These are things that have not worked out for me and in the past and considering how low my last attempt at being with someone took me I realize some of us are simply not meant to have such things. I've had some good situations true but its mostly been pretty dangerous for me and well...I can't look back at this point. In order for some of us to get what we want in life we have to give up some things. Is it fair? Does it make sense? Maybe it does. The more focused I am on chasing building my empire the more progress in life I make. So I won't speak for anyone else but for myself it definitely is a trade-off. Sometimes when I think of how invested I used to be in finding "that" LTR it is akin to hearing a faint whisper in my mind. I do dream frequently yet some dreams have to die for us to live. Having said all that I still believe one day I may find myself within some much-needed family dynamic but the romance phase...its just done. One thing I have been thinking about lately is getting me a fur baby. I think it would be cool having someone else to look after as it is my belief that animals are like spiritual air fresheners. Not a dog. Not a cat. Something smaller and low maintenance. What exactly? Perhaps a rat. Maybe a mouse. Could be something like a Chinchilla. Not big on rabbits. Not saying I don't like them but my experience with rabbits and even hamsters hasn't been that great. Gerbils and ferrets are nice but ferrets and gerbils are illegal here in Cali so theres that. Birds are cool but I don't really want one of those. Also, it would feel weird having someone who can fly confined in a space much of the time. Probably sometime this year when I've cleaned out the clutter from my place I'll get myself a critter. Whether or not I can bring them on trips is gonna be a bridge to cross when its time. Would be cool though to bring said fur baby home with me when I go visit family. Another thing over the years I've pondered is getting an emotional support animal. Your pets are that anyway (unofficially) but when its actually official you get more perks.

Earlier it was brought to my attention one of my supervisors sent me an email about me having my bluetooth speaker here at the desk to listen to music. Its strange that after a year he suddenly wants to take away something that helps keep my mind together at this place. A year ago I had a similar issue with a supervisor and it led to us having a big meeting and that resulted in upper management saying it was cool for me to have music. I tried to explain this to dude but he wasn't hearing it. I swear sometimes I feel that always having to look over my shoulder or having someone telling me what to do is stunting my development in some ways. What is it like to get up and go to work when you feel like it? What is it like to sign your own checks or to not to have to answer to anyone? I've never had that feeling of control in my life. Sometimes its like Magneto told Pyro about being a scorpion among ants. Someone with so much potential being controlled by lesser evolved beings so much that he forgets he should be the one making the rules. Sometimes I get the idea I should be more powerful in my life and for whatever reason only just now am I starting to experience real ambition. I can't keep living in a situation where I'm check by check and not really having the time and resources to live life to the fullest. It is true that I have become more responsible and more financially savy but its still not enough you know? Seems making films is my way out but other ways to rise up for me could be in other fields as well. Politics. Tech. Nerds With Badges has been getting neglected and sometimes its frustrating when you post content and you get no interaction from others. The tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear its sound. What is my demographic? Who watches or would be interested in my content? Gay people? Gay black people? Gay blerds? Gay nerds? Black people? Nerds. White women with nerd tendencies? Vampire blerds who date white people? These it seems are the things one must seriously ponder when creating content. Well if you wanna make any money or get those views and clicks. It is a tricky art to master...this process of doing what you enjoy and making a living off it. I don't need 100 million in the bank but I can settle for 12 million. I can.