Confessions of a sad superhero book 176

Dreams: 

NOV 1st

1. Finding occupied igloos in the snow.

2. Sleeping and worrying about a cougar coming to get me.

Yesterday: Using TK to move some things around.

NOV 4th

Was riding in a car with Mel from Detroit. We went to this store where we had to get buzzed through a gate. This mysterious woman in black started coming after me when I got separated from Mel. I evaded her then had to fend off another woman who came after me with a stick. I kept feeling like I was in Vampire The Masquerade Bloodhunt but couldn't understand why I had no weapons. I told the lady that I didn't want to hurt her but managed to grab a small stick. I defeated her pretty easily and threw her onto a paddock before retreating. I managed to get out of the store and ran out into the night. Mel was waiting in the car in the parking lot and motioned for me to come on. 

People are so weird. Last week as I was getting out of an Uber I noticed a young guy doing something by one of the doors near the trash area here at my job. Since his back was turned I couldn't see what he was doing and just figured maybe he was peeing. (Someone did that tonight right in front of the parking entrance and it was actually a client staying here!) Anyway the dude looked at me funny and I think he said something but I wasn't really paying attention to him. People tend to stop and stare EVERYTIME I get dropped off in front and its ALWAYS a group of them. Just nosey as hell. So later during my patrol I saw what dude was doing. He took a condom and placed it right on the doorknob of the trashroom. Why would anyone do something like that? I'm pretty sure he's on videocamera too as we have cameras all around the building. Sometimes people really make me have a love/hate relationship with humanity. 

Well election day is today. Its Harris for me. Still something in my gut says we won't have our first woman president today. I hope I'm wrong in this and I'll be going to vote later when I get up. I'm just tired of Trumps shenanigans and hearing him always saying something crazy on the news. I wish no ill will towards him despite all he's done. I just simply want him to go away.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 175

 Took a trip to see my family in Florida for Halloween as I usually do and it was cool even though I didn't get to visit an amusement park this time around. I got a chance to see my stepsister Beverly who just went through a surgery on her leg. She had an infection which could have cost her her leg or even worse if left unchecked. She's in recovery until December and doing well. My little brother who has fallen into black sheep territory was nowhere in sight. I told my mother I must be dead to him and she said I shouldn't take it personally. He never calls anyone and they live right there in Florida. Well he calls when he needs something. I felt myself getting really emotional when I told my mother that. I mean to say it was strange feeling some tearful reaction wanting to surface. Joshua is going through some shit and I of all people know what its like to take time away to work on self yet dude has made so many wrong life decisions and he like so many other young black men seems addicted to smoking weed. I feel bad at times because I think maybe if I'd been more a part of his life in those early years and built a real relationship with him his life wouldn't be the mess it is today. I understand my mother and stepdad can be difficult at times yet when they tell me all the things he has put them through it just makes me angry and by keeping my distance I have probably avoided conflicts with this guy. I have heard of fights where a family member had to step in when another was out of line. Joshua is 30 now and it blows my mind how much time has flown by from when he was that cute little kid who would keep checking to make sure I was still there in the next room because he didn't want me to leave. Hopefully he gets his life together. Mom says give him time and eventually he will come back to us. I want to believe that but in my heart I'm worried about this path dude has taken. I keep really feeling he might need some kind of an intervention.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 174

(To Coldplay "Moon Music")

Dreams...

1. Was at a party and this older sister was trying to hit on me. She was dancing and grinding all up on me. At one point tried to kiss me but she attempted to make it seem I was the offender. Angela Winbush entered the picture at some point and I was hanging out with her extremely beautiful daughter. Angela and her daughter had to have a private conversation about something. 

2. Was at a house and trying to separate a car and dog who were fighting. The cat tried to bite me as I picked them up. Also Mr Thurgood went to my house to play video games on a bigger screen.

3. Seems Julius (An ex) was there and a little girl with a weird portable device. They left me locked in a car and went somewhere.

4. A. A female superhero or possibly a soldier who was doing acrobatics even though she was wearing a bunch of equipment. 

B. Being on a huge tanker type ship. I didn't get off in time and was stuck on the trip for 10 hours. I got off and started adventures in a foreign country when we docked. Beverly was there too. 

5. Seemed to be working in a shelter practicing on getting soup with a large spoon from a huge pot which I'd be serving. Prepared a cup for myself.

6. Was talking to someone Hispanic about ghosts or spirits. The way I was speaking of them was as if I were besieged and this really sweet familiar Hispanic lady carrying a bag of something arrived outside and she was singing. I opened the door so she could enter. It felt really good to help her. 

7. Mr. Ninja kissed me unexpectedly with passion while we were sitting talking to my sister Fatisha.

Saturday night I ordered a pizza before I came in to work because I figured that would be my lunch. I was banking on reaching the job before the pizza arrived but I arrived right around the time it came. (In the past I have missed orders because my phone wasn't ringing for some reason so had Dominos call my job to let me know the driver was outside.) Saturday when I called to check our rotation schedule dispatch told me my pizza was here and that I need to go outside as some person was trying to take my order from the delivery person. (Apparently this is an issue. Yet another problem the center needs to address along with the food getting stolen from the fridge) I went to get my order and as I walked away giving the person who tried to get my order the evil eye. They started yelling for me to give them some of my food and I kept walking ignoring them. Of course a bunch of other youths and "characters" were out there gathered. Dude started cursing at me. (I think he used to be a she. Very short hispanic with a husky dog that belongs to a client in the building I think)  He goes "FUCK YOU!" I yelled back "FUCK YOU!" He goes "SUCK MY DICK!" to which I replied "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!" 

-To Be Continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 173

(To:

Underground Charisma Guest Mix 018: Raphael

(on YouTube!)

This is in regards to a Youtube video by content creator "Renfail" about how a California law requires companies to tell consumers the games they are buying don't really belong to them/us. In other words we are just getting a license to use that content which can be taken from us at any moment. 

@MrArchilus

4 days ago

I wonder if there's gonna be so much backlash against that as against Ubisoft. I somehow doubt it.

(Me!) I think its ironic people are angrier about "certain" things yet turn a blind eye to the stuff that really matters. We let these companies screw us over yet playing as a black man in a game incites outrage on an international scale. Truly fascinating. 🙂

I hate when this happens. I had one of those dreams where the details are vague. Very

vague, All I can recall is there was this guy who was partially a cyborg and for some reason I had this heavy sadness for him for some reason. Like I was feeling sorry for dude but like I said I don't remember anything else.

Updated:

Back at work again and its my friday. I actually meant to publish this entry last night but the computer disconnected from the internet for some reason so I had to put everything on hold. There was some stuff I wrote that I lost as the autosave didn't catch it so Ima try to remember what I wrote. This weird thing happend to the formatting here when I copy and pasted excerpts from an IGN article I commented on (Above)

Still trying to decide on what I'm doing for Halloween this year. I mean I do the usual family visit to Florida every year and I'm going again this year but last year it was a trip to Universal with my nephew. I have not done Disney Halloween in Orlando so maybe I'll do that this time around. I need to check the prices. Was thinking of doing something here before I go out of town and it would be nice if I had someone to go with to one of the amusement parks here but since I have like no social life...well. I have never done a solo visit to an amusement park but its something I often think about you know? I guess that would be the equivalent of going on one of those "date yourself" ventures. I think I messed up a chance to meet someone cool on the Facebook dating app because I was pretty open with him about being cautious regarding dating because of bad experiences. Also part of me wonders if the reason I have not heard back from dude is because he wasn't serious and it might have been either a bot or someone with nefarious intent. Not gonna lie...something just felt off about our conversation. I dunno. Am I too paranoid? I think back to how I used to be and how my feelings regarding so many things have changed. Theres a saying..."You lose yourself then you become who you were" Like all the trashy shit you learn in life...the traumatic crap...eventually with time you cancleanse it out of your system to become the person you were before the world corrupted you. Stripped you of innocence and turned you into another jaded and bitter fool. This format is driving me crazy. Ima just start another entry damnit...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 172

(To Jack FM on iHeart Radio APP)

We're doing another kickstarter so I'm trying to get myself back in that mode. Gonna have to start doing videos on social media to promote. Instagram. Twitter. Facebook and Twitter. Also Youtube. Arnold who is in charge of my website has said he can help me with all these other areas to sale and promote my work but I had to have a conversation with him yesterday  to let him know I wanna do all of those things but I am not made of money so I have to pace myself so I won't have to sell my body on the street to pay for rent as a result of being too broke after paying him what he's asking. Meanwhile I still need to check in on James my animator because process has been slooooow on the Sasquatch cartoon. Thurgood (only women can call him Thurgod) was holding off on giving him some files because he didn't like the quality of the animation and I had to explain all he's seen is preliminary concept art. Thurgood (who has issues with eating anything shaped like a hotdog) is supposed to be working on editing the footage we shot at LA Comic Con like a week ago. I gotta stay on him because I don't want to be putting out footage for an event months after the fact. Thurgood has actually become a valued friend over time. Wasn't really expecting that to happen. I don't really have much in the way of interacting with mortals outside of work,projects or trips to the supermarket. Thurgood confided in me he has a sibling who is either gay or trans. I forget which. My brain is so full these days. I actually came in to work late tonight because I overslept. This is what happens when one spins hours playing videogames and goes to bed late then wakes up but decides to risk taking a short nap which somehow becomes two hours. 

A dude hit me up on the Facebook dating app earlier. I swear it was so weird because I really didn't know what to say. I mean I have had so many bad experiences with guys I think a switch in my brain has turned off because the very concept of dating just seems or feels wrong. (I came across a celebrity video where the person was saying when asked about dating he just doesn't see that in his future and i relate) I never get approached or noticed by fellas so when it does happen I'm not sure how to react and then theres the part of me that is tired of the online scammers and crazy folks who make profiles online just so they can get inside someone's head and fuck with them. People be trying to get me on the 6 o'clock news screaming naked and chasing somebody down the street with a damn sword. Another crazy black man on the tv they can laugh at and say I told you so but thats not gonna be me. Anyway I suppose right now I just can't focus on dating at this moment. Maybe the best thing I can do is let anyone who might approach me know that up front. It would probably be wise to delete that stupid Facebook dating profile then... Its okay to not be okay just like its okay to take the time away to work on yourself. Its kinda cliche to say this yet how can one be happy with someone else when they are not happy with self? 

Why is it so many people get off on bringing evil into the lives of others? I have been watching all these crazy ass videos on youtube of people doing the most insane things and cops having to put up with so much mess from psycho individuals. (I'm also hooked on a series on Youtube called Scary Bear Attacks!) Its nuts the things that some folks do. The chaos they bring into the world. School shootings. Serial killers. Rapists. Terrorist attacks and warmongering. Why? I keep asking. But then I stop to consider theres a disconnect from reality with these people. Some chemical imbalance or perhaps fucked up shit from the environment contributed to them being so messed up. Its real easy to say just lock them up and keep them away from the rest of society so they won't hurt anyone but I have to wonder how many folks could actually be cured of mental illness if someone else really put in the work to help them? I mean to say plenty of folks fall through the cracks of society because someone basically decided to put them out to pasture therefore sealing their fate. Pump them full of drugs and lock them up in a facility is the quick and easy solution when you don't want to get your hands dirty. I know there are some who can't be saved but one has to wonder how many just need that extra help to get their shit together. Mary J Blige said in one of her earlier songs how she used to laugh at the crazy lady never knowing what she was feeling inside. Just food for thought I guess.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 171

(To The Complete Harry Potter Film Music Collection Via Amazon Music Via The City Of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra )

*Got in trouble last week for having my ipad at the console. 

I was laying in bed yesterday trying to motivate myself to get up when I heard someone knocking at my door. I was like who is it then a voice said its me and don't you recognize my voice. Turns out it was my old friend from waaay back in the day. I'll call dude "Marty". Marty and I met way back in the late 90's when we both worked security for the same company. Marty was an interesting guy. Smart and pretty funny but what was most interesting at the time was the fact he was in the process of getting a sex change operation. Its something he says he's still gonna do but I no longer believe him. The last time I saw Marty was possibly two years (or more) ago. He dropped by unexpectedly and I was pretty embarrassed about all the clutter in my place and kinda pissed he just came through without giving me notice. So we fell out of touch. Marty has gotten married to a woman and he's also a dog dad. So much has happened in both our lives over the years and its amazing how much we have gone through so yeah its probably good to keep him around in some capacity. There are some other people I need to get back in touch with too. But thats another conversation. 

I suggested we go somewhere for breakfast and Marty obliged so he drove us over to the Denny's near where we used to work over near Wilshire and Serrano. I got the breakfast that came with these delicious flax seed cinnamon pancakes. Also came with coffe and orange juice. Turkey bacon and a regular sausage link too. I don't usually indulge in pork but it was a special occasion so... We talked and spent about two hours just catching up. Its really liberating having someone in your life you can basically talk with about anything. Marty also spits knowledge and he's well versed in psychology because of multiple degrees. He really should be teaching somewhere and he says he would like that...after he buys his acres of land somewhere away from the fast pace and toxicity of city life. This is something I often fantasize about. Living somewhere far from all the crazy and bad energy. All the chaos. The Crazy African is always saying how wonderful LA is but its a place to visit...not a place you wanna live in due to the cost of living and the stress that comes with existing with such a large population. I totally agree. Its about time for me to get off so Ima need to continue this later...!

Confessions of a sad superhero book 170

So its Friday and here I am at the Starbucks here at The Grove. I got out of the house to go check out a movie next door again. (They let me in for free since the system was doown!) This time I went to see "The Wild Robot"featuring Nupita Nyongo from "The Black Panther" as "Roz" a robot who lands on an island populated by a bunch of critters. Raccoons,a beaver,a fox and a bear just to name a few. (Spoilers incoming!) After a series of mishaps Roz is just about to send out a distress signal so she can be retrieved by the company that made her (apparently she was accidentally sent to this island) but before that happens her signal device is stolen. This leads to a wild chase sequence as an angry bear tries to catch her. Roz in her attempt to escape ends up accidentally murdering a nesting mother goose with eggs she also destroys, all except for one which she tasks herself to raise with help from a most unlikely ally. A fox (Fink) who initially attempted to eat the egg which hatched the chick Roz names Brightbill. Roz tries to teach Brightbill how to swim and fly because the fox lets her know the time is nearing when Brightbill must become independent especially since he'll need to fly away with the other geese come winter. Overriding her programming Roz makes it her new directive to insure Brightbill is prepared for his journey. The other animals resent Roz, Brightbill and Fink but eventually they warm up to the odd trio, creating a unique family dynamic which is cemented even more when they all have to come together later to battle the organization which made Roz when they arrive to take her back to their huge futuristic factory for reprogramming and dismantling. I really like the message of finding a family in unexpected circumstances and overriding natural instincts to survive by adapting to a situation. I guess this is exactly what happens when you take an animal into your home and instead of biting you the animal eventually comes to bond with you. Maybe people do this too. 

Been dreaming again. The other day I dreamt about "him" again. Mr. Ninja. The dude from my job I have kept my distance from for over a year now since I realized I was falling for a man who could never feel the same way about me for whatever reason. I suspected there was someone else. I never asked. It was just a feeling and there were all sorts of red flags. It was awkward seeing him at work sometimes and it was extremely painful to get over him but its been a year and although I can't say I don't still feel something for the guy its gotten easier for me to just go about my life pretending he doesn't exist. I suppose its easy to do this when you understand the other person had no problem walking away from you. Its weird having feelings for someone you don't want to feel anything for. Its weird that I see him everytime I see another brown skinned brother. Its weird I find myself looking for his qualities in others. Its weird he made me basically give up on relationships. How weird is it a person can come into your life and have such a strong effect on you yet have absolutely no idea. I do still find myself thinking some kind of way about Captain Africa too and we talk a bit more than usual although I keep my distance because I just don't believe he is as into me as I him. I mean there was a time when I really wanted to try and have a life with Jonathan but emotionally he is unavailable. Maybe its because he is a dad and his job takes up so much mental space or perhaps this is just how he's built. Maybe he really doesn't know how to love another man. I think alot of gay men are like this. Mentally stunted because of how so many of us are forced to live. Running from ourselves and traumatized...forced to be immature because we had to keep our feelings buried for so long. It is probably later in life that many of us are able to to function in healthy loving relationships. This may be why so many of us are Ho's. Its something though that Jonathan is actually freer now and maybe a bit more mature than he was years ago when he was living with me. 

Yesterday I dreamt of a familiar Hispanic woman singing outside and I had to open a door for her. I wonder if its possible my apt manager Marie was outside singing as she cleaned up and that made its way into my dream. Sometimes music or outside stuff is picked up and enters your dreamworld during dreaming. Also in the same dream a hispanic guy was talking with me about spirits or ghosts. I don't remember much but I think we were discussing the fact some can be rambunctious. Hope I spelled that right. Eyes have been feeling tired lately. Seems to happen certain times of the year. Could be allergies. 

Also dreamt of serving food at a shelter.

Things at work have been feeling a bit off lately. Some nights it does feel hard to go in and I think of quitting probably too much. With the lady waving the machete around at me the other day and yelling racial slurs and the people who keep sneaking into or hanging outside its hard not to think of all the possible things that could go wrong you know? Plus management doesn't really seem to care. Otherwise there would be a gate around the property. I know its the call of the wild I'm experiencing and the time for me to leave that place is nearing. Just gotta hold on a bit longer. Save up more money and focus on completing the projects I have in production. You see I really don't think I can go back to 9-5 after this job. I mean I could if I needed to but I think I'm done going to a place that constantly drains me and I'm tired of people always telling me what to do as if I were a child. You know. 

What the hell is going on with my idols? First it was madness with Michael Jackson. Then it was Bill Cosby and R Kelly. Kevin Spacey. Actually it may have all started with OJ or was it Woody Allen? But anyway now its P Diddy. (I think thats what he calls himself now) I'm just so heartbroken now and the words of the song by Donnie and Whitney haunt me "I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow... 

Forida is dealing with some crazy weather right now and my stepsister Beverly is in the hospital. She had to have surgery on her leg. Something about a nerve I think. I tried to call her yesterday but right when I did the doctors came in and needed to talk with her about something so Ima call her back today wheni get back home. Need to do laundry today and deal with this smoke alarm that has been beeping ever so often these past few days efen after I replaced the 9volt battery. Damn thing cost like $18.00! The beep isn't really loud but even though its short its pretty sharp and seems ot happen like every hour.Sometimes it really does feel like its always something. Oh yeah I went to LA Comic Con and after having a talk with my cameradude we came up with some good ideas for my podcast. "Nerds With Badges" He asked me to write a review for the new Salems Lot so sometime today (when I tear myself away from Silent Hill 2 on PS5) that will be a thing. At some point I need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with the designers of my website about everything. Also I'm going through the motions with the SonsOfLEgend script. I thought it was done but new ideas just keep coming and I still need to do a major clean up on my place. Like I said before...its always something.