(Soundtrack: City Nights Vol 6. Thank you Youtube)

Sometimes its hard to believe I am actually 45 years old. People say when you're this old you're supposed to be finacially secure,living in a big house and certainly driving a car. But I don't drive a car. Maybe I will next year because its something I think about more lately. Maybe when I actually can save some money I'll buy a nice house but these little films and projects of mine aren't gonna fund themselves and since I don't have a sugar daddy I gotta do what I gotta do. That means going to work every night to make this money so I guess I am taking care of business. I have an apartment aand have had it for many years now. Plus I seem to be capable of holding down a job for awhile yet does that mean I am stable? I mean in the eyes of some its not enough I realize. I realize my body could be better and it frustrates me sometimes this feeling inadequate you know? Yeah I have issues. Still life goes on and I can take comfort knowing in my time here I've at least left behind some kind of a legacy. These writings. The short films. The cartoon stuff. Even all those photos. Why is it so important to leave something behind? To maybe bring some light into this world even though it has tried to kill me so many times. Its crazy and life is crazy. They say none of us get out of it alive you know. But its also been said no one really dies. Even more so when folks remember you. Will people remember you when you're gone? Will they? A fair question.

About an hour ago there was this sound here in the building. Sounded like someone else was in here with me and the ghosts. Maybe it was a ghost? Went to investigate and saw nothing. Its something that things which would probably freak out most don't really get to me. The truth is sometimes I feel numb and it bothers me. Then there are those moments where the emotions flow. Literally flow. Nothing like a good cry right? Didn't cry when I heard about the plane crash yesterday in Germany that took the lives of 150 people but I did say "Oh my GOD" because it just seemed so insane and painful to realize some people lost so many loved ones. In just an instant....cousins,uncles,mothers and siblings were simply taken from each other and....and that just hurts because I know what its like to lose someone and wonder if and when you will ever see them again. I think that we will all be reunited oneday. I have to believe that you know?

One of the things that has really been bothering me for awhile is this terrorist shit. Isis this and Al Qaeda that. Is it me or does it seem like alot of middle eastern people sure are killing the hell out of each other and trying to kill everyone else? Its not just Middle Eastern folks of course. African people are killing each other too. Russians too. People have been killing each other for a long time. Killing over land. Over race. Over sexual preference. Over religion. Money. Cars. Sometimes some people just kill each other for the hell of it and it just makes no sense to me. We can't even take the planes now without thinking some nutjob with an agenda might show up to try and blow us all up. People are beheading each other on tv like its the thing to do. They really seem convinced some diety out there wants them to do these things. How the hell can you just take a blade and end the life of someone like that when they have done absolutely NOTHING to you? I don't understand. Maybe its not meant for me to. Maybe its not meant for me to understand the insanity or demonic influences that drive some to torment others. There are so many things about human beings which make no sense to me. So much of the time I don't even feel human because I don't understand so much that humans do to each other. Call me crazy or whatever but humanity has the power to end starvation and poverty on this planet. Humanity can clean up the environment and abolish war but why won't it? Thats what I call crazy? I ain't done a damn thang to nobody but the police often go out their way to profile me so much to the point where I now expect it when I see them.  Driving slow in the cars to look at me. Following me down into the subway. Yeah stuff like that happens ALOT and it makes me fucking paranoid about leaving the house. Just who the hell am I supposed to look like anyway? Yeah I listen to rap music and love hip hop but I ain't no thug. Don't even think I fit into that world and would likely be rejected by many who embrace that life yet I keep getting lumped into that world. Dunno....maybe I am a closeted thug and need to date me a thug. A REAL thug. Not a wannabe. Nah....probably couldn't deal with all that testosterone. Those mood swings. That mean assed glare like "What the fuck you lookin at NIGGA???" Which I get ALL THE FUCKING TIME from so many other black men. Don't know if its the "How are you doing" or "I wanna kick your gottdamn ass" look so nig like me just keeps it moving attempting to avoid that eye contact. Long as I can remember I have had this problem with other black men. Its weird. Don't really understand it. Just don't. Maybe won't ever and it just is one of those things Ima have to learn to live with. My brother hates me. Hates me for my light skin. Hates me for my brain. Hates me for my out there dreams. He hates me because nig like me shouldn't even be out here surviving. But guess what? I am.

Its something to be able to look at the world as how it is and to see it as how it can be. Maybe thats what is the power of my madness. The artist. That thing Lady Gaga says she doesn't wanna fix by getting therapy. Gotta live your whole life being crazy always chasing this mission along with some semblance of peacefulness. But the peacefulness is probably more in the art of it all than anything else. Its that GOD talking to you thing. That voice has always been there but many are deaf to it. When you ignore that voice inside that tells you to create something useful it seems to turn against you. This is something alot of people will never understand. Just the way it is. So maybe that crazy person on the street was just like me once but they fell into this version of hell on earth? Maybe hell really is different for everyone? I swear so often I walk by a crazy person and it seems that spirit within them recognizes or addresses me in some way. You can see why I don't share this with alot of folks right?

The weather here in Los Angeles has been strange lately. Hot on some days and it should actually be colder here this time of year. Meanwhile time is just flying by like a mofo. We're already at the end of March and thers so many things that I shoulda already done this year. Didn't make it to Detroit for the snow like I wanted. Still haven't moved. Other than Detector Pig I've not put out anything this year. A DragonManx episode is in post. Danielzilla is working on SonsofLegend which he's co-exec producing now. Brought in some big guns for SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend my next new webseries. A horror film project is in the works too (realistically speaking it probably won't happen till next year) but I gotta think about the visits to see my family which are planned for later this year. It all boils down to money and being much more restrained in spending. Its not like I spend extravagantely or anything. Its just downright expensive to eat healthy and to produce short films on your own dime. Living with the crazy african helps but some overtime might become a thing you know? Or maybe a brother just needs to get a second job (like the crazy african did). My new business partners think crowdfunding (which never worked out for me before) is the answer so maybe they will be able to put together some succesful campaigns. So far ALL of my stuff has become SAG/AFTRA which I'm sure will open up doors previously closed. So I guess now you can start calling me a businessman huh? Better start wearing suits then. For the record Sergio doesn't really like wearing suits. He doesn't really like working out either but it looks like he's gonna have to get used to it. One of my actors doesn't know it yet but he's about to become my personal trainer. Just hope I can afford him.

Filmmaking,life lessons,venting and whatnot.

Today (actually yesterday now since its after 12am) was the first time in a good while that I actually filmed something. Its all come down to timing and money for the most part even though I'm starting to understand how to cut corners to make things happen. I was able to convince the crazy african to sing in an episode and thats what was shot today. Been trying to figure out a way to work him and his talent into an episode for the longest. Dude has some talent and I really wanted to put it out there before he just abandons it you know? So in the DragonManx episode we shot the crazy african is playing a character named Ury. Ury has already been introduced in an earlier SonsofLegend episode (although he was masked initially and in later appearances we never explained who he was when he would accompany Devin on assigngments) Ury is singing and my character Goyangee (aka:DragonManx) comes over to say hello after witnessing him perform. The two talk abit and then it becomes obvious theres gonna be some kind of a romantic connection with them in the future but after Goyangee gives Ury a business card and leaves the area someone else rewinds time and appears. Time is rewound to just before they met and then Ury is killed so this is all doen to prevent Goyangee from meeting him so that he will be in a certain emotional state. The villain who kills Ury is a sorcerer named Plexis who is secretly working for a fallen angel (Damali) who is planning to take over the world but she wants to try and manipulate the guardian (Goyangee) into joining her cause. Damali is not seen in the episode but she will be heard (via voiceover) as she speaks with Plexis on the phone when he calls to tell her the deed is done after his terrible act. Damali is going to be a major problem all throughout my 4 webseries. In SonsofLegend she is making moves to eliminate Devin who is assembling a force which could threaten Damali. In SinsofLegend Damali is secretly bankrolling the team to perform certain missions for her in return for her protection when the shit hits the fan. Karter (Devins son) may or may not know who she REALLY is and I have yet to decide if he does know or if/when he ever will. Decisions decisions. Meanwhile in Daughters of Legend Damali is recruiting and experimenting on women paranormals in an attempt to create a master race which will eventually wrest control form mankind who has sqaundered the earths resources and spilled so much needless blood in the name of supposed progress. A group of women who escaped Damalis clutches team up and travel all over the world waging war on Damalis various and widespread operations. Meanwhile in DragonManx Damali is behind the scenes pulling the strings in Goyangee's life hoping to lead him to join her crusade but this will eventually lead him into all out war with her and Plexis especially when he discovers the lengths they have gone through to try and manipulate him. Eventually all the storylines will converge into a full length film as everyone goes into a truly epic battle with Damali and her army. Some friendships will be lost. There will be betrayals and deaths and when the dust clears Damali will be no more. In the end DragonManx may make the ultimate sacrifice to end Damalis's threat once and for all. Yes I have given this alot of thought.

The Detector Pig cartoon is done. Posted it on youtube last week and it didn't exactly set the world on fire. I mean people did watch it but mostly nobody cared. Well I cared. Its kinda sad if I let myself wallow in it that supposed friends and family really don't give me much support. (Is it because they don't really know me?)  Yeah people follow on twitter and facebook but most of them never comment on anything I do or offer any kind of encouragement. Why? Its like people watch from a distance not really wanting to get involved. I really don't know what to make of it. Perhaps folks are simply too wrapped up in their own problems? To be fair some people have given support (People like Johnzilla,Damonzilla,Fatishazilla,Dadzilla,Antoniozilla,Lymanzilla,Davidzilla,Stanzilla,Markzilla,Mackiezilla)
but when I started my crowd funding efforts the results were meager. Sometimes I get the idea people are just waiting to see if you fail at something and if the business takes off then they might wanna jump on board or try to be your friend when things are working out and the money is pouring in. I'm not bitter? I am happy my cartoon came out after all the hard work and shit I have had to endure in my quest to make it happen when so many doubted me yet it does sting to realize as a gay man I may never get support from the gay and lesbian community. As a black man I might not ever really gain support from the black community either. It just feels like that sometimes. It feels like in hundreds of years people might look back at my work and say "Damn he really did accomplish some cool stuff but why the hell didn't people support him? Maybe he was before his time" And there are times I feel like I was born in the wrong time. People are often so cruel in this age and theres so much hate,anger and racism along with homophobia that at times it does feel overwhelming. People are literally losing their minds. You don't have to just turn the news on to see the negative effect its all having on the world as a whole. If I'd been born two hundred years from now I'd like to believe society will have matured enough to the point where things aren't so crazy you know?  I do believe in what I'm doing and I love the black and gay communities but the writing is on the wall much of my support is probably not gonna come from them because they ain't ready. Most of them aren't. I hope that enough of them and the rest of the world gives me enough support that I can at least make a living doing what I love. What does Sergio love in a nutshell? He loves making art that will make the world a better place. Art that will make people smile or laugh. Maybe it'll make them get inspired to make their own art too instead of channeling that powerful energy in a destructive manner. Maybe they will think twice before they try to hurt someone who might be different from them too because of something they saw or read in something Sergio created. Sergio would really like it if he could be a part of a legacy like that.

Poetic like musings and things.

Sitting here with the flu

wondering....

whats up with this world man?

I just don't understand.

I'm out here like so many trying to survive the chaos

 

I'd be lying if I said I was unaffected.

 

Forces working against me

and behind the scenes someone has me in their prayers.

 

I'd be lying to say I don't know that.

 

I think I'm surrounded by ghosts

some of them are ghosts of the past

things one is aware of

things one can't let go of.

 

My mind always wanders back to how it used to be

my soul misses it

how it used to be.

 

At least we have a black president now

something I really never thought I would see.

Did he REALLY win or did "they" give him to us

to create some illusion of change?

I honestly doubt if any other prez has recieved so many death threats

it'll probably be the same when we finally get a woman prez.

 

I would be lying if I said....

there are no people out here

who will go kicking and screaming

before they let change occur.

 

Mentally ill fanatics or demonically possessed

telepathically compelled

or pushed by some medically technologically induced haze

makes their brain only see what they wanna see

and they will never be happy

so they don't want anyone else to be happy either.

It just blows my mind

so many angry jaded and cynicals

walking around.

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss

what it was like before

it became fashionable to hate everything.

 

You walk to the store

you risk your life.

You take the train or bus

or plane

you risk your life.

Same when you get in your car

because we got PLENTY

of knuckleheaded drivers out here.

And I don't like cars.

Don't ask me why.

Maybe one day that will change?

Don't get me wrong

I'm happy much of the time

then there are these moments

I have to slow down and look at whats going on in this world around me.

Gotta dare to acknowledge something is wrong here

without getting caught up in despair.

Thankfully I've managed to be successful.

Even as time passes

even as I ask myself constantly

did mistakes of the past ruin my life?

Will I ever truly know the love of another

and will someone come along

who won't throw me out with the trash?

Not really a complicated guy

Am I(?)

Just driven

ambitious

misunderstood

definitely eccentric.

 

Would be lying if I said sometimes I wonder

am I too much of a case study

for anyone who isn't supernaturally intelligent.

Because not everybody can put up with your mess.

Messes.

The guy I'm seeing now he puts up with me

I put up with him

although sometimes I swear he's from another planet.

He tells me people always think folks live in mud huts

in Africa and wear wear bones in their noses.

But man I swear sometimes he....!

Never mind.

At least he makes me laugh.

The body of his is getting better because he frequents the gym

and the sex is usually the bomb

until he uses a damn condom.

Damn I hate condoms.

 

I hate that its been almost a year since I last spoke to my brother.

I think he's given up on me.

Its so fucked up he likely never recieved those letters I wrote him while he was in basic training.

I wish I could go back in time and fix our relationship.

Dude barely knows me.

He never says it but I think the gay thing is

a bit much for his advanced mind to fully grasp.

His mind functions on a mathmatically genius level

He got that from his father my stepdad.

 

I'd be lying if I said I never at times feel overwhelmed by

all the things I need to fix in my life.

The videogames and filmmaking helps

yet I gotta change the diet

gotta start a workout routine of some sort.

Working nights

not getting enough sleep

stressing out

not getting enough sex or affection

plus eating too many things I really shouldn't be eating.

 

Damn headache seems to be trying to come back.

So glad I'm not sweating profusely like I was earlier.

I was feeling so bad earlier and wanted to call in sick

yet I was afraid my boss wouldn't believe me.

How crazy is that?

I gotta get out of here.

 

I'd be lying if I said

I don't think about this shit

all this shit

every day.

 

Every day.

 

****

 

 

Years from now people will read this and some will likely say

dayum dude was fucked up.

But some might find stregth in my words.

Strength to go on.

And that is why I write.

 

Its not just healing myself or putting negative crap out here to depress folks

Nah. My life isn't depressing. It has highs and lows like everyone elses.

This story of a man who never really fit in anywhere who dared to dream that he was so much more than what many can see with their own eyes.

Gosh its been since 1992 when I first started jotting down my thoughts.

Both my Grandmothers were alive. My little brother wasn't even a fetus yet.

Boy what a story I've tried to bring people along on. Its important to record history you know?

So thats why I write.

 

Somewhere out there theres gonna be some person

who has some similarities to me

and they're probably gonna be wondering how the hell do I get out of some particular situation

so hopefully these written words will make a difference. Because they will see what life was like

for a black gay nerd struggling to build an empire (I was using that word before it became fashionable).

Yea though my mind is often wracked with insecurities

and this semblance of a soul has been tainted life still goes on.

Panic attacks be damned.

Struggling sometimes just to get up and go to the store

because of low self esteem

and lover of the animal kingdom

(Its not my fault I find most animals cute)

Here was a man who still had the ability to appreciate the beauty of another man

in a world where its cool to be indifferent and not show much emotion.

Here is a man who still wathes to news

(even though it sometimes depresses the hell out of me)

Theres a desire here to see whats going on in the rest of the world so sue me.

I have my own inspirations too that I might not mention as often as I should

people like Teena Marie,Michael Jackson,George Michael,El Debarge and the music of this guy I'm listening to on youtube right now "Tall Black Guy" These are some people whose gift of music has helped me to get thru some tough times in my life. Just as their music was the soundtrack during some triumphant moments.

I wanna paint a picture of the way the world was when I was here. I'm getting better at it and will get even better. And thats why I write. Its not just about me. Its a story like so many others. A crazy world full of happenings dramatic or adventuresome comedy. Its a story of villains and insane events with one man who is in way over his head trying to survive enough to leave some sort of legacy behind. Thats why Sergio writeth. Its not likely but maybe oneday people will actually understand me too. That will be a bonus.

 

 

****

 

 

Good for nothing n*gga.

 

The car doors lock sometimes when they see me coming.

It happens so much

I think I’ve gotten used to it.

Same old shit that’s been going on for years.

The cops go out of their way to approach me for jay walking

Even when I’m across the street

From the job

in uniform and I explain myself

That I’m running late

No cars coming

Yet two approach me like I’m Americas most wanted.

Maybe I am.

Even I can’t find the words to express how it feels

Being made to feel I’m this thing to be hated.

Sometimes I feel like a good for nothing n*gga.

The color of my skin makes some feel uncomfortable

How I speak makes some feel uncomfortable

Because I don’t think like you makes me someone to be avoided

Shunned

An oddity.

How I am is an affront to all you believe in.

So much to the point that you would try so hard to destroy me.

Forget about all the “whys?”

Most of the time it just is.

Surrounded by a mentally ill world

Surrounded by religious fanatics

Surrounded by illogical thinkers

Not so sure anyone even thinks anymore

So much death and killing makes me wanna just go and hide somewhere

On some other planet.

If only I could.

Invisible

Not the ideal body type.

A minority within a minority.

I am a freak who never really fit in anywhere.

My own people rarely acknowledge me in the street

What is the reason?

I don’t know

Constantly wracking my brain over this shit

Is it

Because of fear of an intelligent black man

Hey this ain’t

just exclusive to other races.

Perhaps it never was.

So much of the time it feels like

I might be cursed to be hated

By the very thing I would love the most.

Do you know how this feels?

Feeling like a good for nothing

Do you?

Living here in this world of drive bys

Out of control religious fanatics that wanna blow my ass up

Out of control drivers

Said they meant to step on the brake

Is some BS

Do you know how it feels to distrust your lover?

To have this gut feeling he might have someone on the side

Yet you don’t have the proof?

Do you know how it feels to worry your employment might end at any moment?

Do you know how it feels when they follow you around in the store?

When they ask the clerk via intercom

“Is everything alright?”

When you merely engaged them in conversation?

The shit keeps happening

Same old shit

That’s been going on for years.

Why do they do this?

Of course I’m assuming

that there is a reason.

I really really think I could stop feeling like

A good for nothing

If I could get away from

all the people who

keep treating me like

like I am

a good for nothing.

 

****

 

Call me crazy for wondering why they wouldn't allow me to film here

in this big old alleyway no one is using for anything.

Sometimes people say no just for the hell of it.

I really wish I could get more support from the gay and lesbian community.

Years ago went to a black gay group and watched another filmmaker get rolls of dollars in donations.

But out of 510 facebook friends I can't even get $5.00 from each of them?

How do you think that feels? I really thinks its crazy that most black folks don't seem too into sci-fi or fantasy stuff and most of our films are dramas or comedies or musicals. What the hell is up with that? It might be that most of my support is gonna come from white folks because with them sci-fi is more of a cultural thing. Think I'm lying? I have rarely met a white person who hasn't seen Star Wars. Seriously. I am a minority within a minority within another minority. Thats just the way it is. But oneday maybe I can be the black George Lucas or Spielberg or....Whedon....or Nolan....or JJ. Because it doesn't really look like anyone else is interested in the position and maybe thats why I recieve so much opposition. From both white and black. Straight and gay. And no its not "just in my mind" either. People fight change. As proven by history. I've got my work cut out for me. 

Here at work on my new post recovered from another bout with a migraine. But all is well. Was able to do some filming this past weekend so the creative juices are still flowing thank the gods. Right now I'm watching some documentaries on prisoners (via netflix) because I want to make sure the SinsofLegend chracters are portrayed to be as realistic as possible. Its all very interesting I think. Super powers and criminals. Many criminals are hot as hell so it only aids in my fascination with them. Throw in the security guard element of SinsofLegend and you have a project feled with alot of passion. In all honesty I suspect SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend will become quite popular with the cool storylines and characters. 2015 is already starting off with much promise.

As for the love life I can't really say I have one. I mean....me and the crazy african are still living together but he's not that much into me these days. He says its because of things he's dealing with and he is dealing with ALOT yet I'm leaning heavily towards seeing other people. We've talked about it. Some guys are showing interest in me so....what do you do in a situation where the guy you're seeing has lost interest and holds back on affection. No I don't consider it cheating. I told him I was thinking about seeing other people. Mostly I don't think he believes thats gonna happen for whatever reason but romantically I'm slipping away from him. Still a friendship can be salvaged from all this. He's one of the few guys I've dated who will most certainly remain friends with me for life.

As I said earlier I have a new job position now. Its still with the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian center just a new location. My off days have changed too. I just needed a change. Its sometimes spooky working in these old buildings at night yet its quiet and I can think more clearly because I don't have a bunch of people around me. This is something I have missed from when I first got started in security years ago doing the night shift. Gonna have to figure out a way to sleep better during the day. Gotta buy better curtains to keep out the sunlight.

A couple of friends are here from Canada. We met up last night for dinner and will probably do something today. The weather is gonna be nice. Around 75ish I think. Maybe we'll catch the train into Long Beach or drive out to Universal. They rented a car. Actually one guy is familiar to me. Dre. I call him the cute vampire mutie because of his Xboxlive moniker. He came down with a buddy. Originally Dre told me to not say anything to "out" him to his straight buddy but I almost slipped while we were having dinner. Dre later told me he'd decided to come out to his buddy earlier in their trip. Dre and I met like a year ago off Adam for Adam and have kept in touch since. He's a cute dark skinned brotha. We've skyped alot and played games together too. He joined the next gen by getting a PS4. Me I ended up getting myself an Xbox one (via a sorta holiday gift from a buddy) because I love the kinect features and wanna start uploading game play footage online again. Microsoft makes it pretty easy to do plus the skype features are cool. Gotta cut this short because I need to go open the parking gate here so thats it for my first blog of 2015....

Build up to greater things to come (Written to How to train your Dragon 2 soundtrack/Star Trek 2/God of War 2 soundtrack. Also Star Wars superlative edition).

After giving it a great deal of thought I decided its time for me to take a six month long hiatus from filming after October. But until then I still have alot of work to do. There are two projects I have lined up. They are pretty big undertakings if I must say so myself. (There may be a 3rd non SOL related  project but I have not made up my mind about that yet) As it is There are several projects either getting editing work done on them or waiting to get edited. The SinsofLegend/Daughters of Legend teaser project is getting worked on by Danielzilla. This was shot awhile back and will introduce the concepts for what will become two more SonsofLegend spin off webseries. The teaser will debut as a SonsofLegend "Origins" Special. This is also a kind of filler episode of SonsoLegend since I've not released a new SonsofLegend episode in quite a while. Danielzilla shot the first season 2 episode of SonsofLegend already but we have been having alot of trouble getting the actors picked for this episode to come back for other episodes. Some people are just flakey and others just wanna get paid. I don't have a problem paying people. I've been doing it for years. I do realize everyone has bills so from now on I'll give all my actors/actresses at least minimum wage for their time and not listen to folks who say not to pay the talent. Apparently there are alot of people who feel that way.  Danielzilla also shot some scenes to be used in future SonsofLegend and DragonManx episodes. Next month I plan to shoot a kick ass outdoor scene that will be combined with the DragonManx stuff to make a complete episode number 4 for season 2. I may try to go to Detroit in Oct to shoot another scene that will introduce a new love interest for DragonManx and put that in ep 4 as well. Originally I'd planned to bring back Phillip (from his coma) since Monte told me he was moving back to Cali from Texas but the move has been put on hold for at least six months so that will have to wait. Now that "The Crazy African" has moved in with me I'm able to save up more money thus a trip to Detroit seems reasonably do-able this time around. I gotta book my ticket at least a month in advance though. The lowest prices I have seen are in the neighborhood of 4 hundred bucks. I'd be flying out the day before Halloween and returning three days later. Still don't have a place to stay though. Nathan and I are still on weird with each other because he pissed me off maybe a week or two after I got back to LA. I was on my way out to the movies and even though I was close to being late I decided to quickly text him to request he open the netflix movie I had left there before he dropped it in the mail so netflix wouldn't just send it back thinking it hadn't been watched/recieved. If that makes any sense. But Nathan was like "I think you meant to say please" or something to that effect. I called him to see if he was joking and he wasn't. He took the text as I was being rude or something. Even after I repeatedly assured him I was not. After about 15 minutes of going back and forth he seemed to reluctantly agree maybe I wasn't being rude. Of course I asked him if there was something else behind this or if there was something else on his mind but Nathan said no. Maybe he was just having a bad day or something. I do feel bad because the few friends I do have I'd like to hold on to them. Nathan has run across some really fucked up characters in his life. Sometimes I think this is why he has a bit of an edge about him. Maybe oneday we will pick up where we left off but its not likely to happen.

I know I've said this before....a certain editor/director is very good at what he does yet I find that its difficult to get along with him at times. I mean we BUTT heads and I find myself going to deep dark places. We argue on set sometimes too in front of the cast/crew which is really unprofessional. Considering he got into it with the last PA I picked....well maybe its not me. Maybe its a guy thing because he usually hires women PAs. Could be an aggression thing.  I'll have an idea and he'll simply knock it down or second guess me. He has straight out told me what he was gonna use in my script. Chalk it up to sleep deprivation? I dunno. What I do know is I NEVER have these kinds of issues with anyone else I work with though so its potentially toxic. These things make me dread coming on set or putting together a production. Dude is a fast editor. He gives me a good price and he's GOOD. Getting even better too yet I honestly feel in my heart now might be time to start getting the hell out of Dodge. The last project I did I didn't even say anything about it ahead of time because I didn't want him to know. That was the first time I have ever done that. Ask me why and I can't even find the words. There have been other situations trust me. Some decisions are not easy to make. Even when you know its for the best. Not saying he's a bad person. Because he's not. I'm just saying my nerves have reached THAT point. And thats all I'm gonna say about that.

So I hired this cool DP months ago. His name is Chris. Chris has already done some stuff for me. Last weekend we did the pilot for "Daughters of Legend". He's also done a cool episode of DragonManx. He's a fun guy. Easy to work with and easily accessible. We're doing the pilot episode for "SinsofLegend" this weekend. Its gonna be quite an ambitious project I gotta tell you but its a relatively easy script with few actors in it. Now I'm always worried about scheduling because actors can at no moments notice get booked on a bigger budget project....yet I'm mostly worried about post due to some pretty wild special effects work. Did the call sheet yesterday. There are four actors total. Five if you count me. The episode starts with some voiceover from Karter Spellkast. Karter is the son of Devin Spellkast who is the face and driving force behind the SonsofLegend program. Karter and Devin absolutely hate each other because Karter used to be a super villain until something happened that made him change. Karter has now decided to form his own company called "SinsofLegend" which hires security guards who used to be super villains but are now looking for an opportunity to do something better with their lives. The first scene of the episode introduces us to the gangbanger vampire Elliot (He's already appeared in DragonManx) and Angkor (A new character) Angkor wears a blue ring around his neck with power similar to the Green Lanterns but it corrupts like The One Ring so you can use it as long as you basically avoid letting it touch your skin otherwise it'll drive you insanely evil. Angkor's ring was passed down to him from six generations of villains. Angkor is trying to be a good guy because he hates his father who happens to be disgustingly stinking filthy rich. He stole the ring from his family who took it from his dad when he went overboard in his schemes. After six generations of badness Angkor believes he can bring back honor to his family name. Angkor may be bi. Elliot and Angkor come across a fire flinging super villain who steals a mysterious book they are guarding. After a car chase and a spectacular battle which happens in the second scene Elliot and Angkor manage to stop the thief and recover the book. After the credits roll there is a short scene where Karter gives the book to Goyangee (my character) Which explains why Goyangee ends up going to Detroit in his own webseries. In October we're doing a desert type DragonManx scene involving an ancient city being brought up from underground (by the evil reality warping clown Mr. Chiklets and the diabolical psionic Dr. Pernell) to serve as a sort of utopia for gays and lesbians who wish to live in their own society. Like I said there may be a Detroit scene too but I gotta see how my money is looking because I don't wanna break the bank. I'd love to have Goyangee in some sort of love scene because its something we've not really seen yet. But finding a guy to play a love interest has been tough. Why? Well its not hard to find fem type gay actors but the masculine types of guys I tend to find interesting mostly seem to be hiding unless I'm looking in the wrong places. I've used date sites before and recruited folks off the streets. Maybe I need to start going to black mens groups or checking out the clubs. Its easier to approach guys in these types of settings anyway. They do sometimes think you're giving them a line but it helps when you've got some kick ass looking footage up on youtube to show them. And yes I am open to casting a man of another race as a love interest too. Sometimes its easier to deal with gay men who are not African American. I said African American not black in general. In my experience alot of American gay black men can often be kinda mean and have some issues. There is alot of self hate going around in this city too. The way some of these guys look at you. Its almost like "Drop dead" or something. Someone told me recently people seem to act as if you are trying to pick them up if you say hello. Can't speak for anyone else but I always get happy when someone says hello to me. Its actually quite rare. I think sometimes I'm getting used to this and when I go places where people are nice I just don't even know how to process it. Still one can't do a story about a gay character without giving him some kind of a love life. Don't even know how comfortable I'd feel about doing a sex scene. I mean if I had a body like Vin Diesels or Frank Ocean I'd be less self conscious. Plus the first time I did a romantic type scene I got hard and the director laughed at me. I kinda laughed too. Not much. People do want you to have the perfect body in anything these days if you are gonna take off your shirt. Still love scenes can be tastefully done fully clothed. Just kinda move the camera and then fade out when things start to get too hot and heavy. What if I had to do a hot shower scene with Michael Sam,Frank Ocean or Zachary Quinto? John Amaechi? What if it was with all four of them??! Could I cope without "embarrassing" myself? One can only dream. Still what would it do for DragonManx if there was a hot shower scene or any scene for that matter; featuring a well known celebrity and what would be the likelihood of pulling it off? Hmmmmm.... Could be something worth looking into I think.

More than likely the Detroit trip is gonna happen next year around April. Realistically I wanna move into a bigger apartment. We need a bigger space and I am tired of fighting a seemingly never ending battle with unwanted "guests". I mean it was one thing to finally drive off the pigeons who'd taken over my balcony but roaches ain't no joke at all. I've tried just about everything short of hire an exterminator to come in and spray. Thing is there are so many people in the building now and too many don't really seem to care about keeping the place clean as to not attract pests. After living there since Jan 1997 it is definitely time to leave. Spokane is a nice little place not far from Canada or Detroit and I could get a fresh start whilst continuing DragonManx since he's based in Detroit now. These are just some of the things I have to think of. Besides the fact I have a man living with me now who might actually be the last of a hand full of truly romantic LTR oriented gay man left alive in this city. Seriously. Sometimes I don't trust "The Crazy African" but he's reasonable 99% of the time. Taking him with me might not be a good idea if I could support both of us during a transition. Then theres the other thing weighing heavy on my mind. Over time my connections with family have faltered because I've been so focused on my goals yet as time passes I realize....well I realize I need to start spending more time with these people who knew me when. Time to come out of my shell a bit. I think I've proven myself as a man out here in the wilderness. I beat the big bad monster so its time to go back home. Not with quite the prize I imagined but at least I'm not empty handed. Wish I was exaggerating when I say I tend to look away when I see another black guy. And I hate that I feel that way. Its been all over the news recently this Michael Brown issue. As a black man I can certainly relate to the anger of the community. My community? I ofetn don't feel a part of it at all. Even though I have been called an activist of a sort. I know full well what its like to be ordered out of a car at gunpoint by police officers because they thought I was somebody else. I know what its like to be racially profiled. Followed around in stores. Searched because I "looked" suspicious. My struggle isn't all that exclusive yet I feel like I mostly stand apart from my race. Truth be told I tend to feel I stand apart from the human race. Every now and then a news article will pop up or something will remnd me of the goodness humanity is capable of. Like tonight on the news I saw a story about a teacher who ran out of sick days due to her cancer and a bunch of teachers came together to give her their sick days. There is so much evil in this world that sometimes we can lose track of the good. There was a guy on tv some radicals beheaded and I told one of my co-workers when I was her age we never had crazy stuff like that happpening on tv. She said social media makes all these things possible though. People using the media to spread their own brand of cancer I guess. Fear. Hatred. It does seem like so many people are angry too. I remember how fun it was to read comics now so many are dark. It used to be fun to go read news articles and forums on IGN.com but now it like Xbox live and PSN is populated largely by cynical,homophobic racist people all of whom are ANGRY at me because....well because I'm not angry. Well I guess to some degree I am angry. But mostly its anger I learned to channel constructively. Then there are so many people running around with mental issues. Maybe we all are mental yet if something is holding you back on achieving happiness in this world its not really rocket science to go find help for whatever the problem is. Just so many bipolar people and light cases of dementia. Yeah I know who you are even though I don't say anything. (Sigh) We are none of us perfect but for GODs sake either get a bandaid to put on that or get rid of it so the rest of us won't have to suffer. Please. Please?