Is it all imagined
that others often copy my actions?
Is it all imagined
I copy others actions
at times.
Concealing feelings
fighting emotions
acting like I'm anti-social
and thats not really who I am?
Am I merely adapting
to this
unfriendly
undeveloped
hostile
and limited in its communication skills?
Have I let others infect me so much with their issues
that they have become my own?
Does it make one sick
to ignore feelings
suppressing them because you know
the other person could never feel the same way?
Its not easy to have unreciprocated feelings
but over time it becomes easier to resist them because
a wise man who had many wives once said
"It shouldn't be an uphill battle"
Its crazy enough
to survive in this crazy world we live in
that I just don't have the energy or time
or motivation to want who doesn't want me.

Fuck them.

Even though I wsih them peace at the same time.

Does that even make sense?

The death of the man I used to know.

The man I used to know
he would be my friend
even if I didn't have
model looks
muscles for days
and an angry
almost cartoonish manliness.
He'd come over
play videogames all night
we'd go to the movies
often we'd sit up all night
watching tv
or listening to music.
Didn't judge
not to say we had no conflicts
because everybody argues
once in awhile
Still....
he knew my heart
valued my opinions
used my advice to better his life
even as I utilized his wisdom.
This is for the cool
that unsung hero
in a hive of scum and villainy
he wouldn't turn me away
saw a diamond covered by coal
Nurtured it even
but then he went away
left me here
in this world
with all these
rude motherfuckers.
Some of them seem like
they don't even have their own minds
wanna copy off what somebody else does
or says
wanna talk nice
until they realize
you're a bottom too
then they just drop you like
a hot potato.

You say I'm angry?
No sir I am merely stating what I observe
and believe me when I tell you
I try my best to keep mydistance from them
because I don't wanna become
anymore like them than I already am.

Yeah even I can admit to being tainted
yeah thou I'm trying to hold on to
that man I used to know
the one who went away
used to fantasize about him too sometimes
wanted to in some ways
to be like him too.
He was my friend
never judged me
was kind
listened to me
shared with me
saw right past the crazy me
folks wondered about our friendship
I even wondered too
how could two from
two different worlds
get along so well?

Then one day he went away

no one came to take his place
so a part of me broke off and grew into another him
thus I became the best friend I used to have
before he went away
never to return again.

PRETEND BOYFRIEND.

See you
talk to you all the time
you have love for me
nobody knows
sometimes I'm not even sure I know
just how you feel.
Its a secret that we keep
or it might only be a mystery to us.
You keep me in your life man
but its only at a distance
this is all I'm ever gonna get.
Its bittersweet.
This having you
yet not really having you
stings
burns
all the way into my dreams.


THIEF.

Stole my things
stole parts of my life
and if that wasn't enough
you're trying to hack your way
all the way in.
Taking over my computer
hacking my videogames
trolling me online
browsing my posts for ideas
You're meddling poking
to cause a reaction
any kind of reaction
always constantly
listening
or watching
thru electronic devices
just like you listen thru
these walls
sitting in your black car
tinted windows
watching me
watching my life
(Are you laughing at me and these many imperfections?)
and I don't even know who you are.
What do you want?
Why is it so important
that you'd wanna steal your way into my life?

RANTINGS AND INNERVISIONS.....

I am pretty much convinced the kids here at my job hate us. When I say US I mean the security guards. We are constantly getting shit from these kids when we ask them to identify themselves before we allow them inside because we have to be careful not to let anyone that might be dangerous in here. They get pissed when we don't recognize them or if we don't know who they are. Earlier tonight a black kid came in here and was like "I live here" When I asked him his name on the intercom. He didn't say his name until I walked outside and then when I saw him on the list and let him in he walked past me with so much rage and malice I could feel it. Maybe its just a thing that people hate security guards because I have noticed alot of folks have ZERO respect for us or the fact we are usually the first responders on the scene when something goes down. One night this girl from upstairs was so fucking nasty to me when I politely held the door open for her ass. I said "You're welcome" because she didn't say thank you. Her reply was "Why should I say thank you to you for doing your job?" Its so weird because I do think I love just about everyone. Not saying I like everyone but I do have much love for people in general even though I see all the terrible things they are capable of doing. It just sure would be nice to meet or know more friendly nice well rounded LGBTQ people because I just get tired of being around so many who are mean spirited individuals. I certainly have my own wounds and have seen more hate than I can even express yet I don't walk around with this crazy edge so many of us carry. My mind is healing from so much shit....its trying to heal you know but sometimes I feel I may be in an environment thats stunting me from my own growth as a caring, confident mentally healthy person. I really do keep feeling like I need to escape from here and go live somewhere else. I keep pushing on and focusing on my writing and still trying to decide if I wanna keep up this film stuff. Just so glad I have outlets for my emotions. Without them this world can feel so damn stifling.

Not sure whats going on with my stuff that was stolen in Detroit back in August. Sonsofbitches ruined my birthday vacation and tainted what used to be my favorite place to getaway from all the madness. No idea why in hell they targeted me. The detective on my case recently told me an arrest was made in my case and a warrant was gonna be served. But I've not heard anything else since. I have to replace my passport and birth certificate. I also gotta get another work ID. Was able to buy another cheap laptop yet its just a temporary fix because this 32 gig harddrive is barely enough. In fact its a good thing I had a small harddrive laying around otherwise doing updates would be impossible. Windows itself takes up almost 28 gigs of space! Meanwhile the drama with the Daughters of Legend film has continued. At this point I realize I made a terrible mistake by bringing on this guy who is causing so much grief with threats of litigation. I also realize I should have never let them change the script but whats done is done. At least SonsofLegend and all my other stuff can still live on. The SonsofLegend webseries will relaunch later this year. Then I'm launching a new webseries soon thats a spin off. GOnna try and get some funding from the community because we certainly could use some more LGBTQ characters in the world of sci-fi and superheroes. So tired of seeing us as sidekicks,secondary characters or the comedy relief. I have so much work ahead of me. Probably am done with dating and romance. I can still fantasize about these things I guess. But in reality I feel like I'm too fucking weird for anyone and then other times I just think I've evolved to the point where romance doesn't matter anymore. Its still in my minds eye this place where I'm successful in life and there are people around me. People in my life. Kids. Animals and healthy relationships. Those people who hated me...laughed at me and ran from me because they were running from their own sexuality....they are in this vision so far away from me as if I've somehow flown over them away from them and I'm not talking gated communities I'm talking about getting to this place where I am in a healthy type reaffirming environment that nurtures and encourages me feeding so much creativity I am pracitcally exploding with ideas/concepts/art. I keep seeing it. It is only love which remains elusive and mysterious in this place....this innervision.

I've talked with some other people who found themselves in the same situation as me. In other words some one stole from them. One co-worker told me someone broke into his house and took his computer. Two other people who work at the company told me they had their cars broken into.  While on the phone with a Sony customer service guy yesterday he told me he'd actually gone on vacation and when he got back home someone had broken into his apartment and they took everything except some chairs. I recall years ago a good friend of mine had his car stolen. And it was an old rustbucket! Crazy as that was the car was soon recovered. An ex was in a car with some other guys and they were robbed at gunpoint. He was even in another situation where a guy took his stuff then at gunpoint told him to run away and to not look back. The guy I stayed with when I went to Detroit last month had his house (which I thought to be impregnable) broken into. Maybe like a year or two ago I remember one of my nephews had posted on facebook that someone broke into his truck. One night years ago someone broke into the center and stole a bunch of computers. Someone even snatched a chain from around my mother's neck many years ago in the big apple. After hearing all these stories it really helps me put things in a different perspective. I mean as fucked up as it is they took my shit I really got off lucky. At least theres a chance I might get reimbursed for damages. But a part of me feels like this was no random event. I think I might have actually been set up and thats what makes this all the more disturbing. Maybe one day I will find out and perhaps I will get awarded damages for my trouble. The only thing that really matters is I have to recover from this setback and move on with my life. I just have to be more careful from here on out. As Duncan Macleod once so eloquently put it "No more tears".

Had quite the birthday vacation trip to Detroit. Everything got off to a bad start honestly. The light blowing out in my doorway was probably an omen I should have heeded. First off I almost left my wallet with my ID and bank cards then when I finally got to Michigan I heard nothing from the dude I was supposed to stay with. I found out days later he was in jail so I had to spend two days of my trip in a hotel until I was able to connect with another acquaintance (with really bad car brakes and no A/C). Then things took a turn for the worse because while we were parked in a garage in downtown Detroit someone went into his car trunk and stole my huge backpack which had all my clothes,my laptop,my Ipad,my ps vita my camera,my vudu streaming stick and my passport along with my work badge. As devastating as that was I took it all pretty well but then another buddy's mom had to be taken to the hospital while we were out at an African festival.  Truthfully just about everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. It was as if someone cast a spell or something. When I contacted the hotel/casino where the theft happened they had me make a police report then they told me they actually saw on their cameras the perps taking my stuff and driving off. A detective told me the perps were identified so I may have to go back to Detroit sooner than later for court. It sucks that I can't do anything other than wait and pray I can get at least some of my stuff back, Thankfully my devices were all locked with passwords except my camera. Its creepy to think of some nutcase going thru all my personal photos and shit. Its disturbing that they have my passport and work ID too. I went online to deactivate the vudu stick so they can't access my movies on it. This is all a big mess and I can't believe its probably only part one. Thanks Michigan.

So I left my job and went straight to the airport. Almost left my wallet behind! That would have caused alot of problems without my ID or bank card. My flight was pretty uneventful save for the sinus headache that took forever to go away. I get here in Michigan and the dude who was supposedly hosting didn't show up at the airport and never responded to my calls or texts. I had no choice but to check into a hotel. He made my 49th birthday a memorable one thats for sure. I think I'm actually more shocked than angry. Its weird to me that you know a person is flying thousands of miles to visit you and yet you just string them along and then throw their life into chaos by not having the decency to cancel before potentially stranding them in a precarious situation. This is the second time I have had a seemingly cool and sane person I trusted turn out to be a complete psycho. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm just a bad judge of character. At this point I just gotta decide what my next move will be. I could stay here and just leave Sunday as planned. I can afford to kick it in this cheap hotel (Quality Inn). I could do some sightseeing. Maybe I'll hang out with some friends. Today I'm probably just gonna stay in the hotel and relax.That's something I had a hard time doing back in LA.