SOMETIMES ALL THE ROADS DO LEAD BACK HOME (PART 1)

(Written to the music of Slakah The Beatchild)

I called my brother tonight to wish him a happy birthday and as usual we were on the phone for almost two hours. J-zilla has always been easy to talk to. Its pretty damn awesome that we share so many common interests. Parapsychology. The power of positive thinking. Understanding we can call on our ancestors for help. Doing what we like for a living. Not eating pork,beef or chicken. Speaking things into existence. Stuff like that. Really hated having to rush off the phone with him because I needed to get ready for work but something dawned on me after our conversation. I have been a fool. All this time I have been wanting to be understood and accepted by someone (often wasting my time with by bumbaclots that are not worth it) when there was always someone there right under my nose who I basically pushed away. My family. Its not to say I have the perfect relationship with any of them and its gonna take some time to rebuild bridges time has eroded because we gotta get to know each other all over again in so many ways yet they never turned their backs on me. I felt a great sadness when I though about this. I feel it now as a write....a terrible sadness that makes my eyes water, knowing I kept people who loved me at a distance and some of those people are not here anymore. I would do just about anything to get that time back again. One of my co-workers said something last night that made me think. She said we are only here for a limited amount of time and that alot of people waste that time. So many of us are running around filled with hate or negativity. At this point I just feel I can't afford to waste any time running around worrying if some guy is gonna accept me or whatever. The truth is I have faced rejection over and over chasing after elusive emotionally unavailable folks. I have languished in pain because I didn't feel I belonged in the gay community or in the nerd community. I even felt a disconnect from the black community on some levels. I have felt I was too black for some people I wanted to like me. I felt I was not nerdy enough or not quite gay enough for some. It certainly hasn't helped my self esteem or sense of worth you know. A wise man with a bunch of wives once said it shouldn't be an uphill battle trying to get in or to feel accepted. I can't speak for anyone else but my parents and siblings and mostly everyone else never rejected me. I have certainly felt ALOT of rejection from folks I don't share blood with. Food for thought huh? So todays lesson kids is don't give your love to mother fuckers that don't want it. The best friend I never had but always wanted has been here for over twenty years and its time we spent some bonding time together before more time flies away from us. I told J-zilla lets plan a road/plane trip for later this year. He was down for it and can make plans with his job once I give him exact dates. I'm thinking maybe Halloween since I have gotten that time off approved anyway. I always take off for Halloween. Usually I like to just chill or go out of town. It would be cool if we could go to Comic Con in NY this year. It happens sometime in Oct I think....Hmmm.

Yesterday I had to shut down someone on Facebook. This person whoever they are was trying to come across like a guy who was in the military. But I have heard that "I'm a single man in the military and I'm looking for someone" line before. I was trying to have a regualr conversation with this person until he said he was in the United States Army Marines. Many of the men in my family are in the service. My dad was drafted. I have never heard of a branch called the United States Army Marines before. WhenI brought that to his attention he went quiet and I noticed I was no longer allowed to view his page. Another thing that initially set off my red flag was when he called me "Hun". Whenever someone calls me "Hun" or "Boo" it kinda makes me cringe. Especially if its a guy. I only knew one person who used to call me "Hun" often and it was a girl who used to work with me in security at the LGBT center. Sometimes you have folks in other countries who try to get money from you or straight guys or girls who like to get online and mess with your head for whatever reason. Sometimes its fucked up gay folks or even "certain agencies" looking to bust you by trying to lead you into doing something stupid. Thing is I just don't see why these people come after me. I'm a good person who genuinely tries to do good in this world. I try to live a good life. I try to stay as happy as I can. I try to go after my goals. I don't bother nobody so what goes thru a persons mind that they would want to harm me for trying to make the most out of my life? Why not take that energy and utilize it to make your own life better? Maybe you're slick enough to not get caught and you might trip me up for a moment before I catch on but wouldn't it be easier to try and befriend me or better yet to just LEAVE ME ALONE? Just the idea that some teenage white girl in Alabama is coming online with fake photos trying to fuck with the heads of gay men on Facebook is just so damn creepy on so many levels. The more crazy and sinister things I witness from humanity only serves to remind me maybe I'm not as fucked up in the head as I feel sometimes. Yeah I said it.

Role Model Dilemna.

Its strange
when I look back I see
most of my role models
I don't think they looked like me
still people though
just white people though
(Relax I love everybody)
Adam West
Gunsmoke
Lee Majors
Salems Lot
Adrian Paul
Greatest American Hero
Michael Knight
Love Boat
Lucy
Bewitched
I dream of Jeanie
Fantasy Island
Automan
Dynasty
Dallas
Flamingo Road
Falcons Crest
Hotel
Buck Rogers
Jaime Summers
and a woman of wonder
A warrior princess
a vampire slayer
a kid from Smallvile
three sisters who were charmed
two brothers with a legacy to hunt monsters
They were all mostly white
just like
pretty much all the heroes
heroines
in the videogames
cartoons
novels
and comic books
and fantasy
action
horror
adventure
picture shows
movies or tv.
Sure there was Bruce Lee
Jet Li
Jackie Chan
Will Smith
Jennifer Beals
and dare I say Cosby?
Stevie Wonder, Michale and Prince helped raise me
and Teena Marie was the cool aunt I guess
Chaka,N'Dea and George Michael took me to the rink on weekends
But
I think its safe to say
much of my rasing was
almost
entirely
by white folks
even though I lived in their worlds
I still lived in this world with the other black folks
people of color
gays and lesbians
the outcasts
who looked ALOT more like me.
Some of the white folks in the other world lived like me
even though they didn't look like me
X-men
Scanners
immortals
some of them vampire folks
they knew the deal when it came to feeling like
you didn't fit in.
I didn't talk like I was black folks told me
they still do it now
but its mostly in how they look at me
or how other folks treat me
cuz they don't know how to act
when they encounter a brother
who talks like he has some sense.
I'm not that guy they see
on tv
in those rap videos
or in those violent movies
beatin up on they women folks.
I didn't really understand why
folks used to tell me
I acted white
now I finally understand
the hows and the whys.
On the inside
even if I can be just as pro black
or as pro gay
as the next man
I think I'm probably culturally
multiracial.
A product of two worlds
not really feeling like I belong completely in either.

I heard a song by Queen today
while browsing thru youtube
"I wanna break free"
and I thought
man you are free now
it would break your heart
it is heartbreaking
to see how
the world has changed.
Can't go see a movie now
without some nut trying to shoot you
can't go to school
without some nut trying to shoot you
Can't walk the streets
folks trying to stab you
Catch the train
and they wanna push you off the platform.
Used to laugh at
those gated communities
when I first came to Cali
but now
now I understand
(Is that why I uber or lyft to work so often?)
sometimes to live in the world
you need protection from the world
sometimes we all do.

BROKEN AND RAGGEDY LEGACY
(At least its mine)

I KNOW WHO I AM

I am
the nervous one
often the unwanted one
who's always thinking
dreaming
flopping around trying to walk
with legs that may work better
as fins
sometimes I think
thats what chips away at the cuteness factor

I am
The one who
looks in the mirror
even when he doesn't want to
The one who understands
I must chase these dreams
fight to make them real
but theres some things
I can never have
some things
I gotta lay to rest
for the sake of my sanity
and maybe
just maybe some things
and people
I gotta run from
until that day comes
when I can allow my self to rest
the way
I really need to rest.

Gotta keep on
going on
believing in me
not letting what some think of me
define me
Can't keep being the victim
Can't keep letting
these angels
who forgot how to fly
ground me
not anymore
Gotta give my all
to this thing
this tangible
object my eyes can see
my spirit can perceive
this greatness
this promise of
freedom
artistic expression
and even some semblance of
financial stability
Its okay to retreat sometimes
into the music
the comics
the videogames
and all these stories
these films
those words other people write
as long as it keeps me strong in my goal
keeps adding wind to these sails
keeps giving me
footprints
to leave behind
(because the internet is forever)

Maybe oneday
these ramblings
will help someone else
become unlost
in this maze of
the unfound?

Everything else is a distraction

Don't have a problem
staying invisble a bit longer
acting stupid enough to fit in
Can't afford to rock the boat
just a visitor here
just passing thru

This is who I am
for now

Gotta keep
building
this building
even with
all this storming going on around me
and the people are looking thinking
what the hell is wrong with this guy?

I can see the finished design.
Even without a drawing
I know what its gonna look like
come what may.
Crazy man that I am.
Crazy enough
to want a legacy
no one else would dare touch.

I am the crazy dreamer
chasing a tornado
trying to get into
the eye of the storm.

The Evil Genius Scenario

#0

Smiley
Smiling
chuckling
chuckler
giggly
ticklish
giggler
sexy
Dark chocolated
muscled
sexual dominizer
caregiving
warrior from the kissme tribe
who rarely loses his temper over anything
even though you can get excited
over many things
now just getting a taste
a real taste
of fatherhood
I salute you
even though I realize
I can't ever really have you
cause you're a player
too busy with fatherhood
buying that house
your schooling
and your twenty jobs
to fully commit to anybody anyway.
How I wish I'd known that
before I let you
put your African voodoo on me
(Even though you say you don't have such a thing)
Such a liar!

 #1
I see you
all the time
who are you
friend to the end
talk to me
laugh with me
sorta break bread with me
then when we are
out those doors
I never hear from you?
Been here before
locked the feelings up then
Could it be
I'm getting good at this shit
too good maybe?

It hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I feel nothing.
Mostly I think
I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.
Thats what I really wanna say
and I'm dealing
(Shit I know I can't ever say anything)
I feel stupid
because I know
you can't be falling in love
with the first
straight guy that comes along
and is nice to you.
Other gay folks do that
Not ME.

So I'm just gonna sit over here
gonna get control over these
stupid
raging hormones
that are messing with my head
making me awkward
making me erratic
and the last thing I want is to push you away
in my inability to properly express
what could have been
so much more healthier
if the world were a different place.

I tried to reach out
without appearing too needy
and I guess
the pain came out in prose
you were never meant to see
but you see everything
thats why I call you a ninja

I drove you away man.

Who are YOU?
(I will never know now I guess)

#2
Were you serious
Said you found my old text
and you decided to reach back out to me
Damn but its been over two years man
Were you for real?
Should I really believe you?
It took you
almost three years
to reach back out to me
and you chose
Now?
I've thought of you
on an almost daily basis
thought you'd fired me
forgotten about me
and I moved on
even though I figured one day
our paths would cross again.
You're so damn jaded
so damned cynical
with a twisted sense of humor
never mind the HIV thing
Never mind
your sexy thick body
that exceptional intelligence
upwardly mobile brotherman.

Who are you???

#3
Came back in my life
thru a facebook message
just out of the blue
Man I can barely even remember
what we argued about last time we spoke
years ago.
I do miss you sometimes
because we did have
some kind of a friendship
way back then.
Maybe I could have been
much more considerate
but I ceratinly should have known better
than to visit a man into me
knowing I wasn't into him
thats a drama magnet baby.
I mean where do we go from here?
What are you seeking to gain
by reaching back out to me
when you
in so many ways
throw me away.

Can I trust you
when I'm not sure
your motives are
pure?
Was I like
the last on your list?
Who are you?

#4
Haven't seen you in years
and still
you creep into my dreams.
I can still smell you
still  can see those tattoos
still can feel you
inside me
moving around inside me
giving love it took us
so many years to build up to
you were that brother I always fantasized of
sc-fi loving
bilingual
eloquent
in and out of jail
epically brown skinned
prince of the ghetto.
But you never call
I think we are both
afraid of something
a passion that will burn
until theres nothing left.
A part of me is scared of you
of the power
you know that you wield
over my heart
because
deep down inside
I am still asking

Just who the HELL
are you really
anyway?

And do I really
can I really
afford to find out?

#5
Used to be my bestie
Used to drop me off home after work
played videogames with me
Hung out with me
flew that stupid drone with me at the job
introduced me to your legion of girlfriends
hooked me up with
my laptop
my Xbox1
my PS4
and you even acted in one of my films man
Now you barely look at me
and I can barely look you in the eye
worst still
I know not what I have done
over the years I reasoned
perhaps I did something
to piss you off.
My erratic behavior sometimes pisses me off
after all.
I wish I could tell you
how I lost my mind
then had to find it all over again
in this struggle
to get my art together
as I fought against
psychological warfare
pretty much
EVERY day for years
in my own home.
Things I couldn't really get help for
because those who did it
lived above me
around me
and they conspired
with deadly intent
to get me out of my apartment.
Chipped away at my psyche man
You'll never understand what I had to endure
what I came thru
a community of women from another place
waged a war with me
I won but there are so many scars
I guess our friendship was a casualty?
Its likely I'll never know why you cut me off.
Wouldn't it be something to discover
after all this time of blaming myself
it was really all YOU?
No small wonder
I'm afraid to get close to anyone else in this life.
Tired of losing people.
So tired of wondering
if its gonna take me getting rich
to actually meet and cultivate
some healthy lasting relationships.
Holding out for a miracle
or did I already throw in the towel?
Sometimes I'm not even sure.



(What Started Everything)

(Edited Version)

#?

Who are you

We see each other 

at the watering hole

almost everyday

you act likemy friend to the end
talk to me
laugh with me
sorta break bread with me
then when we are
out those doors
I never hear from you?

No phone calls

No textsWhat are you?
A gay friendly
opportunist?
with those big muscled arms
(because I fill that space
you see)
Am I that
no strings attached
HO
being pimped out
for the emotional amusement
I give you?

(or maybe if another bro came along

someone straight 

you'd likely replace me)Such a sad situation
in a way
two friends
an invisible wall

A glass wall

Unbreakable thoughJust can't cross that line I know

cause thats 

the world we live in

a world where

we can't always say what we feel

or have what we want

so many reasons why

things have to be

the way they are

(you know?)

so I go on.

(learned the art of burying emotions because I'd rather control them 

than let them run me)

Its not like you're perfect anyway (right?)

(yet still

who is right?)

I feel like I should be glad you at least talk to me
I get fragments

everybody else is fascinated by your masculine

quietly powerful mystique

I think 

(Its much safer this way I suppose. Keeping a distance I mean)Truth is
I'll never know the real answer to the question

about whether you are an evil genius

but its certainly no accident we bacame part time friends

and I suspect we are not total strangers in each others lives

it is 

in some aspects

a pretty small world after all.

Who are YOU?

You are the man who fades in and out of my view

like a damn ninja.

Yesterday turned out to be an interesting day. But I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted. I was up the whole night before playing God Of War on my PS4 and trying to get rid of this damn headache. Still coming down from the mess of depression I’ve been dealing with these past few months. Depression over so many things. On the job pressures, a slight persistent cold and drama….money issues….some bouts with loneliness, temporary insanity and some sense of disillusionment with film making the very thing that used to bring me so much joy. Wasn’t really able to turn to that anymore and you know why from my previous posts so I won’t revisit it again. (Man these dry roasted spicy wasabi edamame are clearing my sinuses!) I’m actually starting to feel like I’m becoming more of the me that was before although I still feel anxiety and general uneasiness (particularly when I go out of the house. I guess) To say video games and comic books help pull me back from the brink is not an overstatement. But then again they always do (pull me back from the brink) which is why I can never leave them alone. Its been rough but its been a lesson to me how the world of movies and even music can try to cheapen you and I can now say with all certainty I understand why some people have left it all behind. No matter how much money you make….well it can’t heal a broken heart. Money does make many things possible but I never got into this stuff to be rich I did it because it made me happy. I almost let some people taint that. Yeah I gotta pay my bills but I should not be made to compromise my vision. Anyway enough of that. I have moved on. Its all in the past. I’ve got other projects to worry about. So like I was saying….I was up all night struggling with God of War and surfing the web….dealing with a headache that is only just now going away after like THREE days. I’d gotten up pretty late in the day. I have the sleep pattern of a bat. My mind has been such a whirlwind because I’m focused on several projects. My first novel and its cover art. A new script for a short film I’m working on that I had to pay a gang of moolah to a well known writer to help me polish. An on off again comic book project and the impending relaunch of my SonsofLegend webseries that is taking way much longer than I planned but hey at least the script is done and I LOVE it. LOVE IT.  It was about a quarter to 12 when I got this text message from someone saying they were going thru some texts and found one of my texts. There was a photo attached of a man I have not seen or talked to in 2-3 years. Its funny because I do think about this individual frequently. I just assumed he lost interest and that’s why I never heard back from him. After texting a bit he called me. He said he’d lost my phone number. I like dude a lot I’m not even gonna try to deny it. He’s a regular guy which is cool. He’s incredibly cute too. He also happens to be HIV+. The universe must maybe want this guy in my life for some reason. Could be as a friend? I dunno. We never even got to have sex even though its something I’ve often fantasized about and acted out. Its silly to have wild crazy sex with someone from afar. Then sometimes the gods with their strange sense of humor will create the unexpected circumstances to make it actually happen. Sometimes. Looks like we might go out for dinner or something in a week or two. We’ll see. Speaking of friends from the past I had to let someone else go out of my life. It was not quite as dramatic as old boy in Oakland yet it was equally devastating because this was someone I’ve known for at least eight years. He’s an African guy. Someone I kinda had a crush on. He’s a Leo like me too. Whatever that ultimately means right? But bro might not ever admit the fact he can be overly mean spirited at times and just….I don’t even know fully how to describe it….he can be intimidating, demanding and just too fucking (unapologetically) cynical and critical. Plus he thinks he knows more about comics and sci-fi than I do. We got into an argument then he kicked me right where it hurt when had already gotten to the point where we really should not have said anything else. He said “I understand why yo boy in Oakland kicked you out of his house” I was stunned that he would even bring up something so devastating that I told him in confidence. The Oakland incident really shook me to my core and I was already dealing with a lot. The trip was to help me heal and now I lost someone I considered a friend. And now weeks later I’m dealing with the loss of another person I considered a friend. Its weird because I have seen some gay men who were so fucking mean actually mellow out and become nice people over time. I don’t believe they all started out being mean. Still its not easy for me to forgive personal attacks on my person when I am at my lowest. Then when I try to express myself telling you I need to step away for awhile your response is “Well if I can’t be honest with people then we shouldn’t be friends” theres a disconnect there somewhere. It made me feel like enough is enough and this guy is….well with friends like him who needs enemies? He’s gone. Maybe one day he will change but I have to cut out as much negativity from my life as I can right now because my psyche can’t take it. You need someone in your life who will try to pull you up when you are down not someone who will kick you when you’re down then tell you its what you deserve. Tired of being around mean ass people I swear. So that’s that. Theres no way in hell this guy would ever apologize to ANYONE. Why? Because it would prove he isn’t always right and that he doesn’t know everything. We can’t have that. I will miss him though.

Did finally get past those tough levels in God Of War. But I still ended up taking some sleeping pills that seemed to take FOREVER to kick in. Was thinking about calling in sick due to this headache. Was gonna cancel my meeting with the nice lady who’s helping me with my novel. Filling in the blanks. Fleshing out characters. Cutting the fat. Was thinking about pushing back work on the Sins of Legend comic too because baby I’m not made out of money and the rent is due this week! Must have gone to bed around 10:30amish. Got up early enough. 3pmish. Put on some music. Surfed the web. Brushed the teeth. Showered. Ate the leftover Vons chicken tortilla soup in the fridge. Took the vitamins. Watched some “Gotham” on “Hulu” then it was off to meet with my writer lady. We met at Denny’s (my favorite meeting place with the cute bald headed racially ambiguous waiter) She gave me some good tips then she walked with me down to Walgreens because I wanted to buy a bookbag to replace my Batman one which is falling apart as we speak. Walgreens had no bookbags (security asked for us) so my friend offered to drive me to Target which is where Walgreens said bookbags would surely be. We drove out to Target and they appeared to have no bookbags. Well except for the expensive ass ones a clerk pointed out to us near the “pet” section. So I got me an iron and and ironing board. Just as we were about to head to the counter writer lady reached over and pulled out one lone black bookbag that had just been sitting there somewhere that it really wasn’t supposed to be. And it was only $25.00. See I told you the gods have a strange sense of humor….