(Listening to Al Jarreau and other slow jam jazzy type stuff....)

So a few days ago we witnessed more insane mindless human cruelty. After an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester England, right as the people were leaving, a young man of Libyan descent detonated himself killing 22 innocent concertgoers. Seems we get on with our lives after things like this happen and then just as we are getting comfortable thinking maybe the world isn't so bad as we recover from all the mental scars of life BOOM out of nowhere something happens again and....
and we go back to being scared,angry,miserable or in some cases you feel numb because now this shit happens so much it has become almost normal enough not to generate much of a reaction from us.

Earlier at work (a few hours ago) while walking around doing a patrol I felt those returning yet always present emotions rushing to the surface again as I noticed here in the gallery a memorial that was created for the victims of the Florida nightclub shooting last year. 49 people lost their lives and it was for no reason. Well I guess there was a reason. Pure blind and unreasoning hatred wanted to lash out and make others feel that same pain. They say he was a closeted gay or bi guy himself. He wasn't ugly. And he certainly wasn't stupid because alot of thought went into his devious actions. Here was a guy who could have gone to school and gotten a nice career going for himself. With his looks and outward masculine wiles he could have had his choice of many mates male or female. Yet he chose to infiltrate as well as investigate a culture with intent to kill and cause dissent or confusion. Then he pledges allegiance to radical islamists. Its pretty insane to me that so many Middle Eastern men are killing themselves in the name of something like religion or deities they worship. I often wonder how much good they could actually do with the money and resources they waste on this shit if they chose to contribute something that could help the human race. Instead they will be remembered as lunatics who left behind a legacy that no one seems able to wipe out. Someone told me the other day that the only solution is to just let it just play itself out. Basically he feels that eventually with time there will come reasoning and education along with a willingness to abandon such horrific ways of thinking. Everytime one of these persons does something it makes the news. Gives them some attention. Makes them feel they are serving a being or beings and it has been said a collective consciousness can actually give life to something bigger than a people. When people get together and pray they can actually heal someone who is ailing. Wouldn't it be something if there really was a being who was being kept alive soley by feeding off the crazy thought energy being generated from causing all these mass killings? When we worship people we certainly give them power don't we?  We pretty much give power to anything we worship. Our power.

People do bad things. Sometimes they come for us in our weakest most vulnerable moments. Attempting to stir up the nest. Sometimes its out of jealousy. Sometimes they can't let go of the past. And when we react....panicking....afraid to live our lives it really is like in a way we are worshipping them because we are giving them power. When we talk about them it means they exist. When we write about them it means they exist too I guess. Theres not really anyway to ignore whats right in front of us especially when it comes for you constantly in the night when theres noone around to help or understand. Sometimes the enemy becomes brave or smart enough to attack you in plain sight when people are around yet they have learned so well to do what they do one can even feel alone in the company of others. So now I understand why it is that bullying has such an allure to many.  Terrorism is just that then?

Why else would some strange person in or from a far off land want to kill me? Has the government of the land I live in done something shadey to anger these people? If that is the case then on the behalf of all of us I would like to apologize because like so many others I'm tired of seeing on the news this insanity. I am afraid that the end result will be like that one dream of me running from one corner of the world for the rest of my days trying to get away from the destruction of mankind constantly trying to destroy itself. With me being stuck in the middle of conflicts I neither understand nor wish to be a part of. We are tired of being angry. Tired of having to bury our loved ones who should have lived to a ripe old age. We are sick of this chaos. Sick of watching kids having their innocence stolen as they are shaped into freaking weapons missiles dying burning fragments acrid ashes blowing in a wind building building into a tornado swirling red bloodied body parts and lost hopes solutions loves never to be realized as they were ripped away into upwards into the heavens before they even truly learned to run or walk upon this earth. You are making all of us ALL of us out to be prodigal children.



(ARIANA GRANDE'S LETTER....)

My heart, prayers and deepest condolences are with the victims of the Manchester Attack and their loved ones.
There is nothing I or anyone can do to take away the pain you are feeling or to make this better. However, I extend my hand and heart and everything I possibly can give to you and yours, should you want or need my help in any way.
The only thing we can do now is choose how we let this affect us and how we will live our lives from here on out.
I have been thinking of my fans, and of you all, non stop over the past week. The way you have handled all of this has been more inspiring and made me more proud than you’ll ever know. The compassion, kindness, love, strength, and oneness that you’ve shown one another this past week is the exact opposite of the heinous intentions it must take to pull off something as evil as what happened Monday.
YOU are the opposite.
I am sorry for the pain and fear that you must be feeling and for the trauma that you, too, must be experiencing.
We will never be able to understand why events like this take place because it is not in our nature, which is why we shouldn’t recoil.
We will not quit or operate in fear.
We won’t let this divide us.
We won’t let hate win.
I don’t want to go the rest of the year without being able to hold and uplift my fans, the same way they continue to uplift me.
Our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder and to live more kindly and generously than we did before.
I’ll be returning to the incredibly brave city of Manchester to spend time with my fans and to have a benefit concert in honor of and to raise money for the victims and their families. I want to thank my fellow musicians and friends for reaching out to be a part of our expression of love for Manchester. I will have details to share with you as soon as everything is confirmed.
From the day we stared putting the Dangerous Woman Tour together, I said that this show, more than anything else, was intended to be asafe space for my fans. A place for them to excape, to celebrate, to heal, to feel safe and to be themselves. To meet their friends they’ve made online. To express themselves.
This will not change that.
When you look into the audience at my shows, you see a beautiful, diverse, pure, happy crowd. Thousands of people, incredibly different, all there for the same reason, music.
Music is something that everyone on Earth can share.
Music is meant to heal us, to bring us together, to make us happy.
So that is what it will continue to do for us.
We will continue in honor of the ones we lost, their loved ones, my fans and all affected by this tragedy.
They will be on my mind and in my heart everyday and I will think of them with everything I do for the rest of my life.
Ari.

*(To new music friday on Spotify from various artists)*

Revenge of Dangerous Africans and other curious tales:

LOS DANGEROSO AFRICANO

I did something I don't do so often anymore
picked up the phone when you called
and you blasted me
blasted me for not calling
anymore
blasted me
accused me of
this american way
of ignoring
and simply throwing away someone
over
nothing
but you hurt me man
and I don't think you will ever understand
completely understand
just where I am coming from.
It is true
no day passes without you passing thru my thought processes
I guess I really did (do?) love you more than I thought.
Can't put my finger on it really
the why.
You are funny
cool and sexy
the sex was always mind blowing
then you made me feel
like the opinions of other people mattered so much more than how I feel
plus you kinda expect me to be cool with sharing you
and I try to come to grips with these things
as none of us are human
and if I can't forgive you for your shortcomings
how can I expect people to pardon mine?
It seems I was so wrong as to think
you'd given up on me.

Its all I can do not to pick up the stupid phone and call you.

And its strange you'd call now out of the blue
just when I made a decision
I was at least gonna try to remain open
to the idea of daring to
give some sort of chance
some sort of hope
to daring to perhaps date
on some level.

Its like you somehow sensed
that I was serious about
moving on.

Moving past the one man who had meant
the world to me.

Held me
pulsated within
deeper than any other
on so many levels
and I'd be lying to say
I don't miss it.
The smile and the laugh man.
Did you know I stopped going out
became a kinda hermit
broken inside
so broken
when
life and the villains of my life strike out against me
it hurts so much more than it should or would before.

I have not been the same Sergio since I cut you off.



(Switched to KRS One "World is mine" on Youtube....)


ADVENTURES OF THE FORGOTTEN MAN IN A DETATCHED WORLD

Punish me
because I care.
Push me away
ignore me
try to make me feel left out and
invisible.
Tell me with your eyes
theres something wrong with me
because a part of me freaks you out.
Maybe something about me intimidates you?
Yes theres an attempt being made here
to understand why
you go out of your way
to set up a barrier
or is it me setting up barriers?
Am I psychically making others feel how I feel
or is it my body language?
Feeling like a lone warrior type
even though on some levels
the lone warrior probably needs
some people in his/her life
at some part of the time.
Say I'm crazy
for thinking these things you think don't matter
but I cannot help but watch you from the corners of yes
because I don't trust you.
What secrets would I see if I could read your mind?
Sometimes I feel like you could be in my head
watching and observing my life
(Is that vain of me?)

Its not always easy
co-existing with you man
wanna be your friend man
but you scare the hell out of me at times
I see theses secrets
things I don't bother to speak on
because I'm worried
things might change
you know?
So I keep you and the rest of them at a distance.
I have been down this road before
you see?

Just gimme a moment to process the information.

Out here chasing the dream
chasing some paper
(gotta pay these bills you know)
hoping its all gonna be alright.
I mean it would be so nice
if i could go  a thousand years
without having to read or hear about
somebody dying
another stupid terrorist attack.
Wish so much a superman
(or super woman)
would just fly down from the heavens
and make these fools
play nice with each other
take away their weapons
and nasty energy
teach them to be as beautiful on the inside as they often are on the outside.
Yes Middle Eastern men are usually HOT.
Yes they are.
The terrorist comes with a smile thats golden and sex appeal out the wazzoo
but he wants to blow ALL THAT UP???
Fucked up state this world is in man.

Pains me
my head sometimes
pains me
so much
the aspirin don't work
and my stomach was bothering me so much
I stayed home from work today.
Is this body falling apart?
From what I see
how people treat each other
negative energy
from bad things people say or do
it seems to jump into me
the kind guy
who likes the animals
likes the toys
likes being able to hope
smiles when I can help re-ignite a lost dream in someone else.
All I do is listen to this music
eye opening
spiritually enlightening
social commentary
fueling thoughts of living somewhere
far away from all the crazy.
This struggle its been kept on the low man
a struggle to reclaim self esteem
struggle to maintain with the laughter
because this world is often deadly serious
lets not kid
perhaps none of us gets out of this thing without being half crazy huh?
People running red lights
not stopping at the stop signs
trying to cut you off on the freeway
in a hurry
so much of the time
trying to go
absolutely
NOWHERE.
People setting fires
taking the drugs
running from feelings
or trying to jump start
the ability to feel
ANYTHING
while time speeds us by.
Don't wanna hurt nobody
even when others try so hard
expending energy coming for me
when they should focus on getting their own shit together.
So I struggle to reach for more you know?
struggling to laugh as much as I can
you know
as time flies by
struggling to heal this mind
doing the impossible
living this epically crazy adventure
of a detatched and forgotten man
trying so desperately to remember
the me that was
before.

Its ironic I need the then
to deal with the now.

A MAN NAMED PAT

Well you came into my life
even though you didn't stay
longer than five minutes
you certainly left quite the impression.
Don't know if
I scared you away
being all eager and shit.
Yeah I was excited
wanted to make YOU the leading man
but never should have told you
about my attraction
fool that I was.
What was it about you
that made you so
attractive anyway?
Yeah you are cute
had a decent body
and I felt really cozy around you man
so perhaps that just threw a brotha for a loop.
You think
just because you find someone you have alot in common with who is sexy
it would be just like
add water and mix.
My truth has been
most of the black nerds don't really like
other black nerds
or black guys period.
I keep feeling like
you had some secret
and thats why you ran off
stood me up
avoided my phone calls.
I'm an idiot for being attracted to idiots.
Maybe you were protecting me from something?
Maybe you have someone at home
or you're positive and afraid I'll reject you
or perhaps you were born a woman.
All I can do is speculate
why the last man I wanted to be with
could clearly see
my flaws
my closed heart
yet he couldn't see anything in me worth being friends with.
Because after meeting you
I think something in me might have died.
Something switched off
and I
I am having a hard time not believing
my time for love and relationships has ended
in this life.

It bothers me alittle
that a part of me
a big part of me
just doesn't care anymore.

I feel like I am becoming
someone else
losing a part of me
in order to survive in this world.

You reminded me
I guess
that it is all a tradeoff.

Some of us with power
born to achieve greatness
can never know this kind of love
we see in the movies and read about.

Its a sobering reality for some.

My movie has no love interest then.

A man named Pat
came along
and he was a catalyst of a sort.
Had to come out of this fairy tale image
of life.

Like Prince said
"The Beautiful Ones always smash the picture. Always every time"

Irony is
they usually don't even remember us
have no idea the impression they left
shows how of little importance we are to them.

I'm running from the memory of this man until the day it fades completely.

(Listening to Jazz on Pandora from the Xbox 1)

I finally got around to eating that pie Alanda gave me. It was one of those sweet potato pies Patti Labelle has been in the news for recently. I gotta say the pie was delicious and I am gonna savor that last piece thats left in the fridge now. I was initially concerned about eating the pie because although it had been frozen the expiration date was Dec of last year. But luckily I have a cast iron stomach. It did sorta give me the poots but otherwise no harm was done.

Last night I spoke with someone who is gonna come on board to help me with production on Daughters of legend. Because GOD knows I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. Had to kinda take a step back to collect myself. Already been stressed out over other things. Paying bills. On the job stuff. Then theres the back and forth of am I really happy being single and is this REALLY the end of the line for me as a gay man and maybe just maybe I really should consider dating women since I seem to be invisible to other gay men. I mostly made the choice not to date anyone until I have gotten my film career off the ground and achieved financial independence. I'd also like to get in better shape too. Some people tell me when I start to gain popularity folks will actually start to approach me for dates and whatnot. But I'm not sure I believe it. It really feels as if I am getting used to being just with me. Feels like the door is closed and one day I'll get me a dog or a cat. Perhaps I will adopt some kids or something when I'm able. I have little faith in finding a man who will fill the void. Is there a void or is it all in my mind? What if I have too much crap going on and its really not a good time to even be thinking about dating or relationships. Shit I haven't been with anyone since like last year with "The Dangerous African". Single life isn't all bad all the time. At age 47 you have to look at the writing on the wall. Gotta learn to enjoy your own company. Try not to obsess over the havenots and realize theres more to life. More things to enjoy. Rediscover the joy and wonders of life. Travel. Get a new hobby maybe? Take up an old hobby. Start making peace with the fact that even though some days it might hurt its certainly not the end of the world because you are out here in the world on your own. Have to remember there was a time I wasn't dating or having sex and it wasn't all bad. My life was alot less complicated too because I didn't have to deal with anyone elses shit....

(Watching Captain America:Civil War)

My editor Luzilla just left. He stopped thru to drop off a completed cut of the new DragonManx episode. Thing is its still kinda rough. Some of the special effects were not up to quality so unfortunately no one will get to see me fly....yet. Yeah it was that bad. Me and Luzilla laughed alittle when we watched the episode but I gotta say I can finally see the progression in quality of the cinematography. Also Luzilla has really become some sort of a special effects guru. I have an investor now so I can afford to go bigger in regards to these projects. More moolah=better cameras,better sound equipment plus I can afford to pay the actors more. The investor for the moment is only interested in helping guide the Daughters of Legend film project along. He does seem a bit fascinated by some elements of the SonsofLegend universe. He and Luzilla are trying hard to steer me away from doing anymore Youtube videos. Thing is I am not really doing the Youtube stuff for money. I never really was and thats good I guess. Sometimes you have to do things because they are fun you know? Its not always about the money. Speaking of money....recently I hired a writer to help me out on a secret SonsofLegend spin off project. The pilot is nearly done. Meanwhile I am working with a lady writer on the full length SonsofLegend project. Theres some footage already done for this project but much of it may need to get reshot due to quality issues. Hopefully I can have a trailer done before the year is out. In some regard to this film I'd like to partner with a couple of guys who worked with Disney but they are probably out of my price range unless the Kickstarter campaigns are a success. Having big names attached to a project can only be a good thing. Could pull in some investor interest as well. Its been hard to do fundraising yet I've not given up on it as realistically speaking....well its just gonna be hard to shoot these bigger budget projects if I am the only one paying. My investor has limitations too. He's not made out of moolah.

We were supposed to have a meeting earlier with the director and some other crew members. Luzilla had a death in the family plus my investor couldn't make it. I was also hoping that the new person I am bringing in to help us out with production would be able to make an appearance. Looks like the meeting will need to be rescheduled for sometime next week, We probably won't really move forward until everyone is able to sit down in a room face to face just to make sure we are all on the same page and this Daughters of Legend project won't seem so chaotic. As it stands we won't go back in front of the camera for Daughters of legend till July. Gotta plan and make sure the money is right you know? Originally I thought this project would be 10 grand but now its looking more like 20 grand hence the fundraising efforts. I'm gonna have to hustle like crazy to raise the moolah I need but a good trailer could make all the difference. We might actually have enough Daughters of Legend footage to put together a decent trailer. Need to work with the music guy though to get the score together. March 2018 will be here before we know it and we have to have the DOL film completed by then.

3.17.2017

The Quest for Phillip.

Yesterday was pretty rough on my nerves. Had this guy who I really thought was cool and wanted to give an acting opportunity just simply bail on me with no explanation whatsoever. In fact I noticed today he'd unfriended me after making sure I couldn't send him messages on facebook. We'd scheduled a rehearsal session because I wanted to work with him and make sure we would at least appear to have a bond with each other when we would film our scenes the next day. Today. So I show up at the location for the rehearsal after having booked a space for us to use and dude straight up did a no call no show. It was really insane and I'm starting to wonder if there are some evil people out there whose main purpose for existing is to FUCK up other folks shit. I mean why on earth would you agree to something....a paying gig that could possibly open up doors then just needlessly burn bridges? I don't get it. Then when I thought I found an actor to replace him that guy cancelled on me and I was forced literally at the last minute to scramble for another actor. I didn't even tell the director I had to find a third guy till after our shoot was done the next day!

So yep I managed with the grace of GOD to find via craigslist another actor. What a strange way it happened though. When I saw his response to my craigslist casting ad for a gay actor I almost lost my mind because not only was he gorgeous, he also was talented with an onscreen presence thats undeniable. Also he has the same name as the character he was cast as. He told me he'd been doing a search on craigslist and he meant to type in "guy" and typed in "gay" instead and thats how he stumbled across my ad for an actor. Dude is 6 foot four and mixed with Ukrainian and African. Tall, light skinned and very cool. So now he is playing a role I struggled to cast ever since Monte moved to Texas. This guy is the third actor to play Phillip. Hopefully he will stick around. I sent an UBER to pick him up and paid him a bit more than I usually do my actors because of how early we were filming and the distance we had to travel. It was mostly due to the fact he SAVED our shoot for which I am eternally grateful. We would have had to cancel without him no doubt. I am planning to go to film in Detroit next month and have already talked with him about coming along to play Phillip. I think he'll do it if he's available. We'll see....

RAGING AGAINST A MACHINE.

Boy. Prince wasn't kidding when he said
"Just when you think you're safe"
Jeezus
I made the mistake (again)
of falling for another
talented Black man
misguided
enslaved
by some fairy tale like
interpretation of what he'd like to believe GOD to be.
Crazy enough to believe that shit
but not enough faith to believe in
what we could have been.
You know?
(You know to some degree we're all probably broken right?)
Its no coincidence he hasn't achieved his potential
he might never do it
like so many others I know
I can see them stumbling
yet they have to walk their own path
till the light bulb comes on
and all the bullshit falls away
bullshit they are holding on to
shit that holds them back
on so many levels
because the part of his brain thats supposed to believe in self
is devoted to something(s) else.
Told me this morning he decided to go for another opportunity
something he'd been pursuing for awhile
and that a chance came
that they'd been kicking it
and I swear just the other day
I felt something was off about how we were vibing
prior to Valentines Day and the days that followed.
Looks like I lost another one.

(But brotha did you really break it off
for the reasons you gave?
I think you left me to be with Jesus
and all your fans
who are loving
all those photos you like to post online
Its not likely I will ever know why you decided to fire my ass
and thats real....)
Mama said never discuss politics and religion
Maybe she was right
because I sure was
wrong
to think that you were he
him
the one.

Now I'm tired
more tired than I've been
for a good while.
Tired of not being enough
Not good enough
rich enough
smart enough
stable enough
TIRED of folks telling me
without even saying it
HOW FUCKING IMPERFECT MY LIFE IS.
You'd think they have all the answers
the way they carry on.
Yep I wasn't good enough
then again
its never enough
because sucker MCs always gonna find
some shit to complain about.
Even if a nigga was fucking perfect.
I feel like
I'm tired of being overlooked
and feeling like
like
I'm not good enough.
Don't know how much more I can take
think I might be
bleeding out
putting myself out there
taking that chance to believe in
something
then getting my face broke
over and over
when I'm already feeling like
like I'm walking on a thin line.
A thin line
light and darkness
damaged goods
feeling and just trying not to feel so much
thinking sorta thinking that
maybe the people that leave here so soon
really are the lucky ones.
What is this sort of damnation
having these feelings and constantly being rejected?
Why does this shit keep happening to me?
These guys
they come into my life
like trojan horses
then they get inside the defenses and
they just tear shit up
beginning to wonder if
I might have some kind of target on my back
All this spiritual shit
mysterious people saying they have the answers
when I know none of us do
because surely
this world would be better if it were so.

What did I do in my past life
to make this world rage
so much against me
making me
to rage
raging
so deep into the night
body and mind becoming so weary
as I ask

WHEN IS THIS SHIT GONNA GET ANY EASIER?

When.

Gotta get my priorities right
work on making myself happy
because
it certainly appears
theres no shining knight
whos gonna come and
help me make with the happy.
I've got to get
out of here
out of this rut.

Powers that be
please keep
these broken brothas
with all their issues
and ulterior motives
away
far away from me.

don't wanna keep
smacking my head up against this wall
writings on the proverbial wall
some of us visionaries
some of us
can't have
the romance
we slip into dreams of
can only watch others live the dream
a dream we are charged with protecting
(Irony at its finest)

Perhaps things might change
one day for me
but as of right now
I just don't think
I have it in me
to keep chasing after love.

Need to put that shit on hold
before I lose
whats left of my mind.

Taking the rest of the year off
diminishing the social media presence

Time to let myself mourn
so I can heal
then it'll be
time to pick up the pieces
time to move on
Bounce back
as they say.
Refocused
putting my energies where they can do some good
get this empire built
make this money
run after that which
so many believe is impossible.
Call me brave
call me stupid
call me determination
wrapped up in an often bewildered package
not programmed to forsake
the illogical ideaology
that I can do something great with my time here.
I doubt you could ever truly "get' me
man.
Crazy nerd
with big dreams
without a car to drive
without a body like yours.
They say he's (I'm) driven
in his consistency.
Some supernatural force guides him
they say
he's alittle off
but thats because he's an artist
(Can't you notice his shit is ACTUALLY getting
BETTER? Who would have thought it?)
and its funny
so many of them who believe in me
they're not even gay.
How much sense does that make?
On a mission here dude
keeps me up all night
hard to focus on much else
Its a shame I couldn't take you with me
It just be like that sometimes
Gotta keep keeping on
trying to patch these cuts
no strong arms to come and hold me in the night
so I make my own strength
while I look to the heavens
(Not so alone as it feels you know)
Strength fuels me
artists who came before
those yet to come
they talk to me
provides some comfort
giving wings
fast legs to outrun
more obstacles than you would ever know.
Smarter than you think
sharper than you realize
day will come when you will realize

You were wrong about me.
Was wrong about you
time to get right with
universal laws

Falling in line with who I am
even as the heart aches
recognizing some beauty within
even as the heart is broken
I'm building some confidence
while my army grows
the faith grows

Where there was numbness
it gave me the power to
run away
from all these
unreal distractions.

You were one of them.

And I can't afford to look back.
Won't lose myself
in your (empty/hungry) eyes
your words
or pleasures promised.

Time to be the change
to make the change happen
make some sense
thru this storm of
what I'm feeling
sort thru the emotional baggage
somebody else done messed with
at the airport
salvage something useful.

To do that you see
I gots ta run for awhile.

Please understand.

THE SUDDEN SHOCK OF UNSINGLENESS

I was seeing someone
up until recently.
Had to take a couple of trips to visit him
just to make sure
there was something there worth holding on to.
There wasn't.
I guess maybe somewhere in the future
far away in the future
I can
maybe forgive him
like I had to forgive myself
for being so stupid enough
to try and make something
out of something.
Truth is
I couldn't make him love me.
He said he loved me
but if he did
it was the most
unfeeling love I ever
never felt.
Only time we felt a connection was when he was inside me
and that aint enough to make me wanna stay.
There more to life than
good sex
followed by
long days of being alone
empty feeling conversations
one sided affections
so many things wrong with that picture
hard to believe
that I actually got used to that shit.
But when someone comes along
makes love to your mind
comes with some
good healing energy
and eyes that look
right at you
seeing the real you
its not hard to walk away from bullshit.
Funny that I made the decision to walk away
really walk away this time
like a month ago
you know?
He still calls
texts
facebooks
whatever.
I had to cut him off.
some pure primal instinct inside me
screamed
GET AWAY.
Then a few days before Valentines day
right when I'd just decided
this love thing
perhaps isn't for everyone
right then....
Coray came into my life.
It was
a sudden
shock
something that didn't even feel real.
I didn't know how to act.
This kind hearted
gorgeous man
he was interested in
ME???
Basically he made some sun come inside
despite it being all with the wind and raining outside.
And now I have embarked upon another one of my adventures
Well we have
he and me
because its not all about me anymore.
Of course dealing with all the guys I have before
it never was about me before.
I was but a means to an end.
I know it sounds cruel
but I'm simply telling it like it is.
Alot of these gay men
they don't respect love
when it walks up to them
they never really had it
so they don't even know what to do when
it walks right up
offering self
and some semblance of stability
(because two is waaaay better than ONE in this economy
in this day and age)
Some run away from it
Some try to hurt it
Mostly they end up rejecting you in the end
because most don't want no damn relationship.
Strange so many of us fought so hard to get married
when so many of us didn't care
since we already waded so far for so long in filth
it became the norm to us
wading in filth
lying
hypocrocy
religious (self) persecution
misdirected chaotic energy
raging
overflowing
confusion
yet that became the norm.
Sure I always knew it was gonna take a healed soul
to help heal me
from all that damage
(yeah like Mary said "I already know I'm fucked up)
and its easy to fall for someone like that
still I never gave it much thought
someone like that could love me
you know?
Not saying You are perfect Coray
still you are perfect for me.

Lord help me not to fuck this up.