Its been months since he moved out and life has gone on. I tried to meet others to fill the space but they just fell to the wayside. I'm starting to realize I am actually more mature than many of the other gay men out here and with that knowledge comes a certain degree of isolation. Most people don't really understand me anyway. I can't really blame other folks for being too wrapped up trying to survive their own lives that they can't take five minutes out of their schedule to figure out my crazy when they have their crazy to contend with. Speaking of crazy just what is going on with the world these days? We have so many shooting incidents its become the norm and Donald Trump is eyeing the presidency. When I take the train to work I gotta deal with crazy loud mouthed and obnoxious brothers smoking weed and acting just plain scary. We got homeless people all over and sleeping in tents on the sidewalks. I gotta walk thru the valley of the tents on my way to work at night and stinky homeless folks are sleeping on the trains as well as on the benches so a bro can't sit down nowhere when he gotta wait for the damn train. I was homeless before so I don't have hate for the homeless but some of these people when I get near them I feel like something bad is crawling off them and trying to get under my skin. I think its some kind of spiritual thing going on. I have some theories about some people in these situations....its the same for these crazy looking fools I see on the news staring into space as they are about to be sentenced for some crime they committed. Its almost as if theres nobody home. I've often wondered if someone or something were making these people go off and do the things they do. Drugs make people do crazy stuff and then the body just wears down. Sometimes I think some of these mentally ill folks have been invaded and whatever took hold is looking for a new host which may explain how negative energy can just jump from one person to the next. Some say we are all interconnected you know. When one person is suffering theres an instinct some people or animals seem to have and a desire to help. A life of being burned added with constant observation will make most folks wanna keep their distance. It can be especially difficult to help people when they are strung out on drugs because thats the kind of possession that can come to your house and steal your dvd player or put you in harms way going to "remove" them from a harmful environment (examples include back alleys and crack houses) How the hell did I even get on this topic?
Oh yeah I was talking about how fucked up the world has become lately or more specifically the craziness people have been unleashing. Hit and runs are common now. People are actually walking up to police officers and shooting them now. And I hate that but I also hate being stopped and questioned by police when I am walking home from work in the morning. I am starting to get so paranoid about that shit that I dont even wanna go outside at night. It makes me mad that people are going into theaters or schools or military bases and even churches shooting folks up. The shadow of racism might just never fade from this nation. Even having a black president who did so many cool things wasn't enough you know? On top of that people still hate gays and lesbians with such passion it drives them to wanna do us bodily harm. They believe the truth is that God hates us so that gives them freedom to try and hurt folks. Flint Michigan is having water problems because the water isn't safe to drink. Louisianna is having some floods. We did have a bizarre winter because it mostly didn't happen here in Cali this year. So far. In other parts of the world winter has been strange too. My belief is this is some environmental crap due to mankind simply not caring about the environment. I mean lets be frank MOST people could care less about the earth unless its falling out from under them well then its a different story. Yeah it makes me mad but at least some folks are starting to take notice because there was a big environmental discussion that took place like a couple months ago in Paris I believe with our own POTUS being present.
Got some pretty big things planned for this year as far as my film thingies go. Flying out to Detroit next month to shoot more scenes for the SonsofLegend full length. Omari and them are shooting some scenes this coming friday also for the SOL feature. Meanwhile in early April I am starting work on a project I've put off for awhile. Those six short stories that Stanley Bennet Clay published are gonna get turned into short films I plan to take to film festivals. Yes it is finally THAT time. Time to take all I've learned after 8 years of SOL and apply it towards getting some real recognition as a filmmaker. The Detector Pig project is probably gonna go into production late this year. I'm aiming for a 2018 release because you know animation takes a loooooong time. Almost cancelled the shoot for this friday and I am really thinking maybe I should not have booked my Detroit flight as my crowdfunding efforts didn't exactly pan out. Can't get bitter about it but the truth is I may have spent 8 years marketing to the wrong audience. I say that because out of all the facebook and instagram or twitter/youtube contacts/friends most of them couldn't even be bothered to donate one cent towards helping me get my stuff out there. In other words no one cares. Not really. Yes people watch the videos. Sometimes I might get a comment and even then I usually have to ask repeatedly for it. Yes I have seen many other projects that others have tried to launch fail but why is it people just don't try to support things people they know are doing yet they will go spend their money to support total strangers time and time again. Things that make you go hmmmm. So yeah I wanna make films the gay folks will like. I wanna make films the balck folks will like but the reality is they might not like my films enough to show support. As a black gay man who works within the gay community I actually feel cut off. Its not just because most of the people I see at my job or on all these magazines don't look like me either. I don't really know that I can say gay folks or black folks are my audience. Maybe thats why I have not really had much success before. They say you have to make the music and tell the stories that come from your heart. Its really the only way to be honest. I guess one hopes that one can have some appeal to the masses otherwise the bills might not get paid you know? So there needs to be a balance. Make the music/films you want to see and try to create in a way that others can enjoy. Unless you are rich enough or you just don't give a damn. If thats the case you can just do whatever the hell you want. All I can say is I am getting to the point where I'm not really caring what people think so much anymore. I have so crazy stories to tell. They will shock some and probably offend some as well. Some people and actors have chosen not to work with me after reading my SOL script (which is not the REAL final draft mind you). You see in hollywood (and the real pros know this) a script can undergo MANY changes before you get to the real deal. My script has an actual rape scene in it. Or rather its implied rather brutishly. I have considered taking it out because it WILL limit my audience. Its something we've not really seen in superhero movies before you know? I mean Watchmen had a near rape scene in it. I think one day some people who backed out of my projects because they were scaredy cats are gonna regret that decision. LA Reid let Lady Gaga slip right thru his fingers and he said he regretted it. How far can one really go in life just trying to do exactly whats expected of him/her? When is the time right to release a dinosuar movie? When they are suddenly popular and you can jump on the bandwagon? The time is right when you decide that you want to take that risk because no one else has taken that path yet. Tired playing it safe.
Was on my way to work the other night and this sexy dark skinned bald brother tried to holla at a sister walking past then he tried to holla at me which kinda took me off guard since I'm not really used to people actually acknowledging me in public you know? I couldn't really stop to talk because I was worried about being late to work. Then like the other night a cute light skinned brother really went out of his way to acknowledge me as I was walking by and it took me by surprise. Was running late again and was struggling to process what had just happened. Why did he speak to me? He might have seemed familiar. Why didn't I stop? I am still haunted by that friendliness of this total stranger. Probably will never see him again you know? Then again maybe one day he'll be watching tv and he'll see me and say "Wow theres that brotha again! Gotta get his contact info" When I walked by he was like...."How you doing tonight brother?!?" Totally took me be surprise because I am definitely NOT accustomed to being greeted like that by another black man in public or anywhere else. Why didn't I stop? Sometimes I think I might simply be too much of a weirdo for anyone else you know? Some of the time it feels like the love,relationship and romance part of my life is over. Sometimes I see myself in a house with a dog and a cat and some adpoted kids I can give love to and really grow into the person I have yet to become. So much of the time there is no man in these fantasies. I see my self driving my own car and running my own business with so much success in all I go after yet there is often no man there only some side lined individual trying to get into a world that has evolved to the point of not really letting him inside. It does seem that so many of us visionary types are destined to be denied some of those things others can have. I've heard it said that its all a tradeoff you know? You can have friends and some close releationships. You can raise a family but you are beyond such things as that kind of love. You will go far and build many empires but don't block your blessings by refusing to let die some dreams that were never meant to last forever little lego padawan.
